The Lonliest Sportswriter

OK, I understand our good friends Fire Jay Mariotti have covered this, and I have an NFC Preview to do, but I can't let this pass. I know Ben hates Page 2 darling Bill Simmons (I'm largely ambivalent, he makes me chuckle, but I totally understand the criticisms), and also Peter King. But what if the two joined forces? It would be King Robo-Simmons...or otherwise known as Gregg Easterbrook. And yes, he will be my pet columnist throughout the NFL season.

Splitsville: Dissecting Favre and the Packers

Actual quotation: "I don't want to be a distraction to the Packers." Brett Favre, July 26. Brutus also said he did not want to be a distraction to Julius Caesar. Et tu, Brette?

Pretentious Shakespeare reference...I've done it myself so I can hardly be too harsh on him here.

Now that Favrarama is finally over -- please, say it's over -- it's time to confront the real reason No. 4 is no longer a Packer: bureaucratic politics.

first things first, you are contributing to "Favrarama" by posting about it on a world reknowned website bot ok. More importantly, is this bureaucratic politics that big a deal or was it just giving the 13-3 offense some confidence in who was going to run the unit? I mean, I don't think they wanted a guy who five months prior had actually said he wasn't prepared to put in the necessary effort to be a starting NFL quarterback. They probably want the guy who was a first round pick and jumping out of his skin to get a chance with these guys. Whatever the case, the real reason is that Green Bay wanted stability and focus.

From a distance, it appeared irrational that Green Bay actively wanted to be rid of the leading performer in its history...

except he was 38 and had openly stated he wasn't prepared for the rigours of an NFL season, come on Gregg, this is a little more complex than you imply here.

Favre wanted Green Bay management to bow and scrape before him, and wanted the world to think he was the one calling the shots. There's never been a Bill Russell or Dave Cowens in the modern NFL, as player-coaching doesn't work in such a complex sport. It seems Favre longed to be seen as the first player/general manager.

Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, Curt Schilling et al.

Make your own list at home, fun for the whole family.

For years, he has been lecturing Green Bay leadership in public about decisions regarding Randy Moss, Marco Rivera and others. When Favre appeared to hang up his cleats in March, Green Bay management made the decision to anoint Aaron Rodgers and add another prominent quarterback in the draft.

what possible choice did they have? You, Robo-Simmons, are implying that they made this "decision" which can be called into question. Me, representing basic logic, argues vehrmently that they had no real choice and they had to "anoint" Rodgers.

By demanding to come back, Favre was essentially saying to the world, "Another wrong management decision, what they should have done was spent the spring begging me to return."

um...I guess, maybe? Does anyone really, in their heart of hearts, believe Favre was plotting this out when he made his retirement speech? Even if you hate Favre, and I kinda do, this is a massive, massive stretch.

It's arguable this is indeed what Green Bay management should have done -- the Packers were more likely to have a strong season in 2008 with Favre than with Rodgers.

touch and go. Last season did ring a lot of "fluke", throwing like 55 times a game will never be a good long-term strategy in the NFL. Favre also had 18 INT in 2006 and is kind of old. I think this is a kind of debatable point to say the very least.

So long as Favre hung around, there was no way Murphy, Thompson or McCarthy would ever get credit for Green Bay accomplishments: it would be Favre, Favre, Favre in the media. Consider the possibilities grid created when Favre tearfully "retired" in March:

put on your crazy hats people...

Favre ends career; Packers have winning season. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy are praised as mega-geniuses for having a succession plan in place.

Favre ends career; Packers have losing season. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy off the hook. People say, "What did you expect after they lost Brett Favre?"

on a scale of 1-10, what do you think is Gregg Easterbrook's rating of Green Bay fan's intelligence? Minus 11? I mean, these guys do know there's more to a team than a QB? Surely yes. They might say "if Favre had never retired, we may well have had a better season", but they wouldn't say "what do you expect? I think 7-9 is fantastic considering!".

Once Favre started demanding a comeback, the possibilities became entirely negative from the standpoint of Green Bay management:

Green Bay agrees to whatever Favre wants. "Boy, what a bunch of wusses those guys running the Packers are."

Favre stays in Mississippi; Green Bay has winning season. Fans complain, "The year would have been so much more fun if those idiots running the team had brought Favre back."

at this point, power of attorney was taken from Gregg Easterbrook, deemed mentally unfit to run his finances, life, or tie his shoes.

That's right readers. Green Bay wins 11 games, goes to the NFC Championship game, say loses to Dallas, in that situation, Robo-Simmons prediction, based on his self acclaimed knowledge of fan bases, management and general NFL culture is that Green Bay fans will not only complain, but complain about a story that would have ended like 8 months ago.

I'm waiting for the Favre stays in Mississippi; Green Bay wins Superbowl, "we never wanted to win the Superbowl and Favre would have made sure we didn't". What planet is this dude on?

Favre stays in Mississippi, Packers have losing season. "The Packers are run by idiots!"

Favre traded to another team, plays well. "Idiots! Idiots!"

Gregg Easterbrooks subtlty, sophistication and respect for the Green Bay fans simply oozes out of his writing does it not?

Favre traded to another team, plays poorly. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy blamed; their disrespect to Favre is said to have caused him to end his storied career on a sour note.

puh-leeze! People will be like "you shouldn't have come back and finished on a high note last year, poor decision to taint a legacy ala Michael Jordan."

Favre returns to Packers; Green Bay has winning season. Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! That's all you hear from the national media. Green Bay management will be seen as fools for almost fouling up a Favre comeback -- in which Favre single-handedly won games, of course.

I still doubt this would be the reaction, but say it was, who gives a fuck? You all get massive pay rises and ejoy success! Oh, but you were sort of wrong about a decision eight months ago.

Yeah, big time losers.

Favre returns to Packers, Green Bay has losing season. "It's all their fault because of the way they treated him!"

who? Who would say this? Honestly, even if you are reaching for an argument this is still a reach. This is a reach for Tayshaun Prince (OH SNAP SON!).

In still more football news, Tuesday Morning Quarterback is back -- I'm back and I'm bad! Well, anyway, I'm back. With the resumption of the football artificial universe, TMQ returns to these pages through that Super Bowl thing you might have heard about. Block out Tuesday time on your day planner. This week, my annual offseason lowlights column.

OK, now this is the real reason I'm posting this. Bear in mind he hasn't posted for like, what, five months maybe? There was a draft, bunch of player movements, even a whole lot of off the field if that's your thing. There's a reason Ben and I don't post much about our lives here. You don't fucking care. And nor should you. We're all busy, this is a sports blog, you come here to se us post about sport, awesome.

Generally writers on the internet at least get this right. They write about sport, so even if they suck, they give it the good old college try. Egotistical they may be, but they at least respect the fact that you came for sporting analysis. Then, presumably, they go out after work and go out with their friends (even Jeff Pearlman has friends kids, play nice) and talk about their lives - like the rest of us.

Yes, I know Bill Simmons does talk about his kids, news, tabloid stuff and his now notorious father, but it's like 20% of the column, max.

Check.

This.

Out.

The Atlantic Monthly had Britney Spears on the cover...

The MV Artemis was grounded by a storm off France and ended up sitting on a beach...

Belgium's InBev brewing company bought Anheuser Busch, ending Budweiser's association with the American flag...

Senator Ted Stevens, former chair of the Senate Ethics Committee, was indicted on corruption charges...

Scientists from the University of Leicester in the United Kingdom used a high-powered radar dish in the Arctic Circle to beam a satirical Doritos ad into deep space...

and he's just warming up.

When G8 leaders met in July in Japan, in part to decry the rising price of grain and rice -- convening one day after U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, a G8 member, advised British citizens to buy less at the grocery store in order to economize...

Hollywood's best love story of the season -- the best old-fashioned romance a major studio has produced in years -- took place eight centuries in the future and involved mute robots...

Wall-E, G8 summit, Sen. Ted Stevens, Doritos ad, Budweiser. Play Easterbrook bingo at home! You and your friends write down three random topics and see if they are mentioned in this rambling, pathetic excuse for a column.

An Associated Press critic called "The Dark Knight," a movie of recycled comic-book clichés, "an epic that will leave you staggering." The Arizona Daily Star compared the film favorably to Michelangelo's "David."...

Delta Airlines announced that free frequent-flyer awards tickets will now cost $50 each...

A standing complaint about the Supreme Court is that, while the justices are always willing to say what's wrong, they often refuse to say what's right...

I had Supreme Court! Only the quality of apples today and prison escapees to go!

The EPA reduced the value of a human life, used to determine the cost-effectiveness of regulations, from $8.04 million to $7.22 million...

A Japanese lingerie company introduced a solar-powered bra...

In the presidential primaries, Mitt Romney spent $87 million to win 4.2 million votes -- $21 per vote...

The authority that runs the Washington, D.C., subway system announced an elevator "rehabilitation."...

Anybody could make a mistake about a first marriage. Maybe anybody could make a mistake about a second marriage. Christie Brinkley's position at her fourth divorce...

NASA's inspector general released a report saying Bush White House political hires toned down agency statements about global warming, to make the issue seem less important...

there's a NASA thing in every fucking one of this guy's columns.

Erwin Lutzer, pastor of the ultra-fundamentalist Moody Church of Chicago, said on Fox News that God sent the China earthquake to punish the Chinese government for persecuting Christians...

Leftover Draft Point No. 1: Every football pundit comments on who the teams took -- what about who they didn't take?

wait what? A football reference? Note he says "leftover", like it's some afterthought. Sorry for interrupting you Easterbrook, please, continue with the most boring column ever.

Peter Phillips, eldest grandson of Queen Elizabeth, married Autumn Kelly in a ceremony at Windsor Castle...

aaaand we're back on schedule.

TMQ dislikes movie disclaimers that warn of "action violence" or "sci-fi violence," suggesting these are, somehow, not "violence."...

The CBS affiliate in New York City, WCBS, censored from its Tony Awards coverage a song called "We Just Had Sex" from the musical "Passing Strange."...

Swimmer Amanda Beard posed nude for PETA, which declared she "might be the sexiest and most compassionate U.S. Olympic athlete of all time."...

A South Korean firm claimed it had cloned four pups of a Labrador retriever who has the ability to distinguish cancerous cells from normal cells by sniffing...

The San Francisco Chronicle ran a full-page ad showing a nearly naked David Beckham wearing Emporio Armani undershorts, the photo angled to emphasize the bulge of his crotch...

The Pentagon accidentally shipped four crates of nuclear bomb parts to Taiwan...

holy fucking shit can someone please get Gregg Easterbrook a girlfriend? Someone, anyone to talk to? Buy a puppy if needs be.

Speaking to the columnist E.J. Dionne, Barack Obama not only used but correctly pronounced the word "Niebuhrian," which means, "The thinking of Reinhold Niebuhr."...

Mayor Michael Bloomberg admitted that a reason there is so little legal street parking in New York City is the city has granted 142,000 free-parking placards to its employees...

I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Even reading just the first sentences is boring me to tears. How can I say this emphatically enough? There's just not a font big enough in the world.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE.

Thanks to the magic of Microsoft Word, I can tell you that this article is an astonishing 9,481 words long, a thesis. How many of those words are about football? I shit you not, 1,026. Less than 11%. There's some stuff on Arena Football which may bump it to 15-16%. And he does this every week...

Yeah, those sportswriters are definately better at this than us.