A Brady Bunch (of Emails)

I derive no pleasure from this. I really don't...but the entire reason I stayed away from boring our returning readers (according to Google Analytics that is 1.4% of you and it very well could be me who is the 1.4%) with more MMQB Review is that I have been waiting in the weeds, ready to pounce on Bill Simmons' reaction to the Tom Brady injury.

Not because I dislike Bill Simmons, but because I knew it would involve a lot of drama and because I freaking predicted this would happen! (Sort of, for the 98.6% of the new readers go two posts down). I am going to try and be funny and interesting but it is hard to when the whole column is like a funeral.

Q: Give us a retroactive running diary of your thoughts from 10:14 a.m. PT to bedtime on Sunday, Sept. 7, 2008. Did you go through the seven stages of grief? Did you cry? My roommate thinks you cried. I don't think you cried but you probably looked like Coach K every time Duke is about to get eliminated from the NCAA Tournament, glassy-eyed with a quivering lip. Just go through the whole day for us. Yes, these are your readers.-- Kenny, Ann Arbor, Mich.

Before we get to Bill's reaction, I would like to point out Kenny from Michigan just mocked Coach K. I am the only one able to do this so...I would also like to remind him:

1. Your probable favorite team, the Michigan Wolverines, lost to my alma mater, Appalachian State University, in football last year and Michigan sucks again this year, so I can say this. Shut up.

2. Coach K did not bite his lip in 1992 when Duke whipped the Michigan Fab Five by 20 in the National Championship. Kiss my ass with the lip biting jokeish thing.

Back to less personal matters...

SG: Really, it wasn't exciting enough for a diary. I was catatonic for about 20 minutes. I called my dad a few times. I thought about the bad karma from last season and all those Eff-You TDs that apparently came back to haunt the Pats.

I wanted his dad's reaction, and we did not get it, I am sad. I am sure we will get it soon enough though.

This teaches us all a major point today. That point is, don't cheat and then run up the score against the teams because you are pissed off you got caught cheating and someone, somewhere is wronging you. It was the bad karma that caused this injury and I hope it hurts the Patriots badly.

And then the Grim Reaper came in the form of a text from a well-connected buddy at 4:32 p.m. PT: Brady was done.

Apparently the text came from his buddy, "the mainstream media" because it was pretty well known in my neck of the woods based on reports that Brady was done for the year.

This is the pomposity I can not stand from Simmons. He has to remind everyone how well connected he is at any opportunity. He can take the words "well connected" out of the sentence and it makes sense, but he...just...had...to...add...it.

What a surreal feeling when your season gets assassinated before it really starts. It has happened only two other times with my teams

Warning: Extreme whining to follow.

I would also like to point out it has happened to my favorite football team twice over the past five years, so he should consider himself lucky, because it has not happened very much in his Boston loving life, considering he is nearing 40.

And as my crestfallen father put it, "I'm not like you. I don't gamble. I don't do fantasy. I could care less about the other teams and what they're doing. I only care about the Patriots. I was really looking forward to this season. I wanted revenge for that stupid game we went to. And the season just ended in eight minutes. It's like it never happened. It just goes to show you what a shame last season was -- you get so few chances to do something great like that, and we had a chance, and we blew it."

How prevalent is this attitude in Boston? Does anyone know? It is the "pity me" attitude and there is really no reason for it. His "crestfallen father" has watched his favorite teams win 6 championships since 2001. I am glad to say he takes his sports seriously but he needs to realize the season is actually not over yet. They have these things called "back up QB's" which are on the roster to play in case the starting QB gets injured. It is the coaching staff's job to have one available, if they don't, then they planned poorly. Eggs don't always go well in one basket.

Also, I am still on a high from my favorite team's 1995 World Series win, so I can only imagine what it would be like if they actually won another one.

I thought about going outside and turning on my car just to see if I would be blown up like Jack McKay.

Bill Simmons. He knows drama.

This is also a 90210 reference! Not the new one though, the old one. Let's make a new rule. If they are remaking a television show, then when you reference the old television show in a column you also reference how you have run out of material to write about.

I think that works for everyone.

Q: When the Pats let the only reason they won any Super Bowl leave (Adam Vinatieri), I told you they were cursed. Look at what's happened since he left! This curse is going to make that Curse of the Bambino thing look like nothing. Why didn't you listen?
-- Edward H., San Diego

Bill hates curse talk. He actually curses at curse talk.

I also feel the need to point out the only reason they won two of their Super Bowls is because the Tuck Rule was not in effect at the time in one AFC Championship game and because the officials allowed the Patriot secondary to absolutely molest the Colts receivers in another AFC Championship game.

SG: Look, you can't play the curse card unless it has been at least two generations of misery. I'm making that call right now.

I told you. He is more of a "I don't want to talk about my favorite team in a positive light or else something bad will happen to that team" which is the superstitious card. A curse card is when you believe some major event has happened in the past that prevents your favorite team from winning. The superstitious card is where you believe you are powerful enough to cause a major event in the present that prevents your favorite team from winning.

The superstitious card is way more egocentric and pompous, so that is the main difference in the two. There are really no other differences.

Q: I am giving this Cassel dude four weeks. If he doesn't get better, I'm gonna jog through my routes and stop going over the middle. Cool?-- R. Moss, Foxboro, Mass.

That was REALLY Randy Moss? No way!

Bill makes up the majority of these questions, I think, so this is nothing new.

SG: Just kidding. I wrote that one. But that has been the underrated part of Brady's injury -- the Pats didn't just lose Brady, they might lose Randy Moss, too. His track record of quitting on bad quarterbacks is both extensive and frightening. I don't even want to talk about this.

Part of the reason this is underrated is because the Patriots knew this getting Moss and they really have no reason to whine about it. It's like signing Chris Henry and complaining when he gets arrested.

SG: Two things scare me here: First, that it's not even Week 2 and my readers are seriously suggesting Joey Harrington can save the 2008 Patriots season. And second, that I actually mulled the merits of that suggestion over for a few seconds.
That is what happens when the team does not plan for the starting QB to get injured and every team this happens to goes through this. You are not special. You and your Patriot fans are not the only ones. I actually wished Brett Basanez was healthy last year. Who is that you say? Exactly, that is how desperate teams get without a good starting QB. I am glad/sad the Patriots got to experience this.

Q: I'm still in the "bargaining" phase of coping with this Tom Brady injury. Is there any advice you can offer to help me get through to acceptance as soon as possible? In times like these, I turn to you, Mr. Sports Guy. Please help me make sense of all this.-- Tim B., Merrimack, N.H.

This is the most pathetic email I have ever seen in the mailbag. Clearly made up by Mr. Sports Guy.

SG: I have five silver linings for you.

(me giddy with excitement)

First, the Patriots were in a no-win situation heading into the season: They were America's villains, everyone expected them to win, and even if they won, they were supposed to win. That's never fun.

I don't think this has to do with being America's villains, though I admittedly have no idea what this really means, except they were villains because they cheated last year and then ran up the score on teams, so they may have deserved to be villains.

I agree with Bill, it always stinks when your team is so good they are expected to win. What a headache!

Second, the whole (cue up Pat Summerall's voice) "the New England Patriots have chosen to come out as a team" dynamic shifted a little when Brady became a mega-celebrity and the offense started breaking records left and right

This means so very little I will not even comment upon it.

Third, did you see the AFC last week? Only Pittsburgh and Tennessee's D looked good. It's wide-open.

Oh yeah, I saw that one week's worth of sample sizes to make this decision. Based on this reasoning the Buffalo Bills are probably going to take the AFC East Division as well, so I would not get too hoppity happy over this.

Fourth, Brady or no Brady, the Pats have the easiest schedule in the league -- the NFL did everything but schedule Georgetown and Columbia in December for them.
Not much the Patriots can do about this, even though it is true, so I can still see the Patriots making the playoffs.

Fifth -- and most importantly -- they suddenly have the "Nobody Believed In Us!" factor on their side, which I've been arguing for the past year has emerged as the single most underrated force in sports. The '08 Giants had it, so did the '07-08 Celtics, the '08 Jayhawks, the '06 Cardinals …

Another fake mantra Bill has created to prove a point. His only problem with this example is that the Kansas Jayhawks were considered one of the best teams in the country for the entire season, so this does not pertain to them. Why does he even talk college basketball anyway? He is very poor at it.

Nearly every single publication in the world believed in the 07-08 Boston Celtics. EVERY SINGLE ONE. This is nonsense to claim they thought no one believed in them.

Maybe the reason the Giants had the attitude is they did, which was not "they don't believe in us," is becaus they were facing an undefeated team and that got them pumped up more than their feelings being hurt no one believed in them.

Every time Bill writes something like this a kitten and a puppy are run over by a car.

Q: Outside of the fans of every other AFC East team, the happiest person in the world today might be Bridget Moynahan. Seriously, no one thought to take away her voodoo doll after the Super Bowl?-- J. Ponton, New York

SG: I'd throw in all the Steelers -- they're the clear AFC favorites right now.

Apparently the AFC is no longer wide open. Things change quickly in a Bill Simmons mailbag.

One more note on Pollard: I watched the play in slow-motion 40 times, not to mention the other 440 times that the TV networks showed it … and I don't care how badly Pollard felt or how he tried to spin it, when you're on the ground and make that sprawling hiccup jump toward a quarterback's knees as he's throwing, bad things happen.

That is a good point. He should have stood up and taken a few extra milliseconds and then try to sack the quarterback, especially since Brady was just getting ready to throw the ball, this would have made much more sense. I am sure the coaching staff would not fault him for laying off a sack because he is afraid he is going to hurt someone. Not at all, they would completely agree with it.

It is football, maybe the play was dirty, maybe it was not, but most of all this is football. There was nothing inherently wrong with trying to tackle Tom Brady, other than the fact something bad happened to him. Besides the ACL can be torn even when you are not going at the knee, if he tackled him lower or higher his knee could have buckled the same way.

Q: I hate Tom Brady. I hate the Patriots. I live in Cleveland and just would kill to have any success like that of the Patriots, or hell, even Boston sports in general. But I feel really bad that Brady got hurt. Can you explain this feeling to me?-- Alex, Cleveland

Because you don't want someone to get injured? You should feel bad for Brady but not bad for those not physically affected by the injury. Namely, Bill Simmons.

Q: Where does Brady's knee rank on your list of the most devastating Boston injuries? I mean, I thought this was gonna be the best year of Boston sports ever. Am I just spoiled?

I bet this guy can't even name one other major Boston injury. Why? He is a bandwagon fan.

Read this sentence and then try to find a way to like Boston fans. It's impossible.

Has an injury ever affected more people, between the Patriots fans and the fantasy owners?

I would say a resounding no! This has affected nearly every aspect of my life, including my perspective on religion, and how I interact with friends and family. My kitten no longer wants to eat or drink, he just sits on the couch in his Tom Brady jersey crying.

You know what did affect a lot of people though? Last year when Sean Taylor was murdered. Try to compare that to your fantasy football and poor, poor Patriots problems. Tom Brady is not dead, he will be back next year, don't be so dramatic. If I can deal with Vinny Testaverde, David Carr, and Matt Moore starting, I think you can handle the backup, Matt Cassell, that has been on your roster for 3 years who knows the offense.

If there's one silver lining, it's this: Brady has 12 solid months to recover for the 2009 season, right?

Then, maybe then, everyone will be done talking about this. Actually we are going to deal with a bunch of "If Tom Brady was healthy what would have happened columns" in the coming months so this is not going to end soon.

If this tells you how Brady's injury affects the world, I am indifferent to it, and I still see no silver lining because it is going to be rammed down the world's throat for the next year.