Woody Paige Makes Bad Puns, Millions Lose Their Will To Live

I love puns. They are so clever and prove the point that you are a smart person, though unwilling to take the time to make a real joke. Puns are not really funny but they still tend to make us giggle like 9 year olds at a Jonas Brothers concert (I am going for the Bill Simmons/Rick Reilly intro here). The problem with puns is when they are relied on to write columns for a newspaper, they can come off as lazy and the over reliance on them to cover up a lack of quality material makes you Woody Paige.

TGIF!

ER is a big hit on TV.

14 years ago it was. Now it is a medical drama that is 14 years old and was running out of steam five years ago. In medical drama years, it is 4 major character deaths, 2 AIDS scares, 3 Bomb Crisis, and 16 Cheating On Your Spouse With a Co-Worker years old.

Eddie Royal excited the Broncos and incited the Raiders with an amazing debut Monday night.

This must be a puff piece. I can spot these pretty quickly, especially when the word "amazing" is used to describe one game that has been played.

I would also like to tell everyone the Raiders are horrible. At this point Woody would say Hagar the Horrible plays for the Raiders but I will not say that. I will say I would expect a receiver to do well against the Raiders because they are not good.

Brandon who?

Marshall. Brandon Marshall. He had 1,000 yards receiving last year and falls on McDonald's wrappers sometimes, whereupon he hurts his knee.

Bluntly, the Broncos have discovered a complement to Brandon Marshall in the royal rookie.

Royal had a great game but I would not get too excited over one game against one of the worst teams in the NFL.

Shit like "the royal rookie" is just bad writing. It reeks of a third grade writing level.

Guess who's first in the AFC West after a compelling 41-14 triumph over Oakland?
Guess how many games it has been so far in the year? One.

The Patriots, Bills, and Jets are tied for first in the AFC East at this point and I severly doubt the standings will end this year in the exact same fashion.

Woody seems to enjoy jumping to conclusions. I bet when Woody watches "Office Space" he does not get the irony/patheticism of the "Jump to Conclusions" board mat that is shown in the movie. Woody probably spends sleepless nights angry with himself at not thinking of the idea first and wondering how the hell they have the audacity to present it to the public in a movie first, rather than try to put it on the market where it can make so much more money? Then he probably goes to the refrigerator and looks for foods he can make bad puns out of in future columns, thinks about how funny the autobiography he is writing, called "Turn the Paige," is going to be, and then walks slowly back to his bedroom to weep again.

Oh, and again, they beat Oakland. I would say 9-10 teams will be able to brag about this at the end of the year.

The 5-foot-10, 182-pound Royal was considered too short to be a premier receiver in the NFL.

He was a 2nd round pick. Out of all the football players eligible to play in the NFL, he was among the top 64 players. No one was doubting him, quit puff piecing this, and stick to bad puns.

So was Rick Upchurch, 5-10 and 175 pounds. In his first professional game for the Broncos in 1975, against Kansas City, Upchurch finished with 284 all-purpose yards (three receptions for 153, one rush for 13, one punt return for 30, three kickoff returns for 88).

This was maybe the weakest attempt ever to show much knowledge one person has about football. It's like George W. Bush trying to name foreign leaders that he is friends with or knows by name. Except this is way more random, it's like if George W decided he was going to name who the Prime Minister of Latvia was in 1988 to prove he knows foreign leaders.

In the most impressive rookie wide receiver/returner/rusher performance since then, the award goes to: Eddie Royal.

This award is recognized by being named in a Woody Paige column. Such a prestigious award. Only the Dundies can compare to the prestige that this unnamed award bestows on a person.

In one case you have a fictional character, Michael Scott, who acts like a juvenile, tells bad jokes, none of his co-workers or friends respect him, and appears to be oblivious to the fact he is a loser. In the other case you have Woody Paige, whose name sounds like a fictional character's name, writes and acts like a juvenile, no one in the world respects him, tells horrible puns, and knows is oblivious to the fact he is a loser. The similarity is striking.

He's certainly more seasoned than a couple of wide receivers on the Raiders' roster. Javon Walker, dumped by the Broncos in the offseason, didn't play because of an injury, and Ashley Lelie, dumped by the Broncos after the 2005 season, had a couple of receptions and came up with a late catch in the end zone.

More seasoned than Javon Walker and Ashley Lelie after one game? He has neither been in the league longer than these two players nor has he put up any numbers yet, after one game, that would lead anyone to say this. Javon Walker has two seasons of 1,000 yards receiving and Ashley Lelie has one in their careers respectively. Granted both are horrible players right now, but comparing Eddie Royal to two horrible WR's on the worst team in the league does not prove any type of point. Then saying he is more "seasoned" makes even less sense, just simply because Eddie Royal has played one game in his NFL career.

Eddie Royal may be the next Jerry Rice or he could also be the next Michael Clayton, not the movie, the Tampa Bays WR. Don't get too excited quite yet until there have been a couple more games played...preferably against higher quality opponents.

No wide receivers were drafted in the first round this year. Ten were picked in the second round. Royal was the fifth.

Wow, what a slap in the face. You mean teams had the audacity to not think he was the 4th best WR in the entire country coming out of college, but only the 5th? He should be beyond angry. He may as well have not even gotten drafted at that point.

Many scouts in the NFL and some people in Denver questioned the Broncos for taking Royal over DeSean Jackson, who went to Philadelphia six selections later.

Many scouts may end up being correct...or wrong. It has been one game.

And scouts and skeptics were still wondering after Jackson, in his own debut Sunday, finished with eight catches for 97 yards and six returns for 106 yards.

That is 203 total yards of offense. Not bad but it was against St. Louis. Eddie Royal had 185 total yards. Not bad either, but it was against the Raiders. Under Woody Paige thinking, where one week makes up the entire year, the Broncos would have been correct in choosing Jackson over his new BFF Eddie Royal. Just wanted to point this out.

It should be fun to compare the two all season. The other eight second-rounders were of little or no help in Sunday's and Monday's games.

Most WR's in their first year are of little to no help traditionally. This does not make Eddie Royal any better or any worse.

"ER," the TV show, may own Thursday nights, but E.R., the rookie receiver, possessed Monday night. He was anything but Monday night raw.

This is horrible, horrible journalism. This is the type of conclusion a high school student in remedial classes would write and the Denver Post should be embarrassed they printed this. I am starting to think the way you are promoted within the newspaper industry is that you are the last one who did not quit your job or die of natural/non natural causes. That would explain Woody Paige's columns still being printed in a newspaper. That has to be the reason.