Scoop Jackson's Braintrust

Do you ever wonder what brought Scoop Jackson to this point in life? Like at some point he had to have been told that he knows a lot about sports right? So like, he had to be complimented. We know he can't write so we have to assume that Scoop has had the astronomical luck of being consistantly around people who know less about sport than him (I guess he is employed by ESPN - ZING!). Well folks, I have a suprise for you. Today we get to find out what a discussion about sport with Scoop and his friends is like. I know, it's an absolute treat of unintentional comedy, coming right at you. And what brought about this alignment of the stars? A hatred of fantasy football. Oh yes, Scoop knows you probably like fantasy football and it's a major part of ESPN's patronage but you know why he can get away with that? Fuck you that's why.

My idea of real fantasy football

real fantasy. Let the Scoop Jackson writing class for people who can't put sentences together no good begin.

Fan•ta•sy [FAN-tuh-see]: imagination, esp. when extravagant and unrestrained; the forming of mental images, esp. wondrous or strange fancies; imaginative conceptualizing; a mental image; an imagined or conjured-up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; a supposition based on no solid foundation; a visionary idea; a caprice; a whim; an ingenious thought.

trite [trahyt]: lacking in freshness or effectiveness because of constant use or excessive repetition; hackneyed; stale; Scoop Jackson.

I guess this is lesson #1, always give a definition of that which you are about to lampoon. Even if the definition is generally acknowledged, entirely non controversial and essentially irrelevant to the discussion. Fundamentally, Scoop needs to fill words and is getting this to do the job for him.

Fantasy football is for suckas.

Scoop Jackson: fuck you and your life, losers. Basement, nerds, computers, zzz...

I never understood the point in fantasy football. It's not that I have a problem with the theory of "fantasy" football, I just have a problem with calling millions of people doing imitations of Charlie Casserly "fantasy."

who cares? Call it "transposed statistics in specified fan group context game" if you like, it doesn't matter Scoop, there must literally be a million things more pressing in the world of sports than what fantasy football is called. I think I mean that "literally", I'm sticking with it. No heat of the moment exaggerations from me.

Where's the "fantasy" in drafting Donovan McNabb or Tony Romo, or hoping that Adrian Peterson breaks 200 yards or Devin Hester runs one back, all while not really caring about any of the other nuances of what make the game beautiful?

Having Bill Gates money is a fantasy. Owning a condo on the top of Jumeirah in Dubai is a fantasy. Spending the opening day of the NFL season with a collection of beautiful and intelligent women who love football, buying them drinks and food at your friend's bar, talking rosters, routes and Raiders with them for hours and you are the only man around … that's a fantasy.

fine, it's not truly a fantasy. I don't care. My interest, yours, the world's, in fantasy football is not diminished by it's official fantasy or non fantasy status. Just so you know, there is a distinction between being a multi-billionaire and playing fantasy sports. Got that NERDS? You're not fooling anyone you big phonys!

So I gathered five women I've known over the years who happen to be sexy football aficionettes. They're John Claytons in Taraji Henson and Scarlett Johansson shells. None of them knew each other, but for years in many separate discussions, games, events and occasions, I've learned the level at which they love the game. But they've never been in the same room at the same time until now.

a hush comes over the crowd in anticipation for this truly historic moment. Scoop Jackson talking to women about football. This is great. Oh hey, can I cash in my one slightly sexist comment for this blog, because it pretty much files into the male code of talking about hot women, and Scoop was superficial enough to reference their appearance instantly, so I feel I can comment - don't bother trying to brag about your friends being hot if you don't have sex with them. It doesn't make you appear any cooler, if anything quite the opposite. No one is impressed you know hot women Scoop, no one.

Remember this "aficionadas" (aficionettes is not a word Scoop) tag too. I mean, there are some real hardcore female fans out there who know a helluva lot. This column is about to infuriate pretty much all of them, on behalf of Scoop, if he had any sense of what constitutes "football knowledge", I apologise in advance.

Alone with them? Me? Three hours? Talking nothing but football?

So to all you "fantasy" football fanatics, you can have your fantasy. I got mine.

for someone who just had the audacity to ridicule a large percentage of the sports following fanbase, on a sports website that promotes fantasy football, your fantasy is pretty fucking lame Scoop.

Me: First off, will the Giants repeat this year?

Lindsay Sikula (studio technician, Team Works Media): No. With them losing [Michael] Strahan and then [Osi] Umenyiora going down for the season, their defense is through. And once you get past their defense …

Veronica Clemons (vice president, Hill and Knowlton public marketing): Yeah, their defense is busted.

Lindsay: And that's what won it for them last year. It wasn't Eli -- the Giants just got hot last year at the right time.

nothing horrible, nothing worthy of being published on ESPN's site, that's for goddamned sure. Of course, there's so little visibility of hot women in the media, it's good to see Scoop reaching out.

Note: Everyone's second round of drinks arrives. For the record, none of these women are sippin' on Chardonnay. It's Effen Black Cherry vodka, 10 Cane rum, Bombay Sapphire, etc. In short glasses. Real drinks! A request is made for Patron shots at the end.

WOW! YOU GUYS ARE COOL! The insecurity from Peter King and Scoop Jackson could power a small nation. It's the great untapped resource of our time.

So who's going to win it all?

Kari Fitzgerald (restaurant manager, Park 52 -- where the fantasy took place): I don't know, there are a lot of teams this year that really could --

Kari, not just a pretty face. Lots of teams that could win the Superbowl - go to your nearest bookie and slam the cash down people.

Claudine Randolph (teacher, University of Chicago Urban School Initiative): I think it's up for grabs. I'm kinda extra excited about the football season this year. But I'm really thinking the Colts.

Veronica: Dal --

Lindsay: (loud) Minnesota's going to win it!

THIS SONG IS ABOUT MEEEEEEEE!

Lindsay: I'm just saying if you listen to like these so-called experts on the radio, that's all you hear. Look, their defense is good, but I don't think Tarvaris Jackson is good enough at QB to take them. Now Adrian Peterson can run, but if you stop the run on the Vikings, I don't think they have enough receivers --

so Minnesota isn't going to win it? It's a strange way to make your point

2007 - look, New York can rush the passer, but if you stop that
2006 - look, Peyton Manning can pass the football, but if you stop that
2005 - look, Pittsburgh can play lock down defense, but if you stop that

you get my drift. Also, no one on ESPN's panel of experts picked Minnesota to even make the Superbowl, and there was like, 16 of them. Like six picked the Chargers by the way, which I find retarded, but whatever.

Kari: But they have Bernard Berrian there --

Kari saves her credibility by quoting a semi-obscure name. But for how long?

Lindsay: Yeah, but keep going. Who else?

Sidney Rice - he was one of the best rookies in the game last year and had an excellent off/preseason.

So you stop the run and cover Berrian, then what? Tarvaris Jackson and whoever else can't do it.

yeah you idiots. Just stop Adrian Peterson. Just stop him already! GOD. If only Lindsay was a defensive co-ordinator. If women were in these roles there'd be no wars, am I right ladies? But Jamal Williams might be nagged to death! HAHAHAHAHA.

What about San Diego? I been saying for the past three years that they are going to break through.

Lindsay: I think their defense will struggle and Shawne Merriman's knee will not hold up. [Editor's note: She was right. Merriman has elected to undergo reconstructive knee surgery and is out for the season.]

WOW #2! Her soothsayer like talents truly are eerie. I mean, Merriman only had a complete tear of his PCL and LCL, I know everyone else counted on him playing over 1000 defensive snaps, but Lindsay was not fooled. She knew having a knee that was actually attached to the bone was important to play weakside linebacker.

Veronica: It's going to be interesting to see what happens with Dallas and all of the personalities they have there. I mean, Pacman Jones. I saw him over the summer and I'm like, "This is the same kid that was in trouble all of the time?" He's Adam now and he's behaving like an Adam. Tank's [Johnson] down there. Terrell [Owens] is still around. They have a lot of opportunities [to win], but a lot of [potential] distractions.

welcome to the game Veronica! Pacman Jones - behaving like an Adam, apparently this has far reaching football consequences I am not aware of. Do people with the name Adam have a disproportionate amount of success at NFL level? More than those named Pacman? Where are Football Outsiders when I need them. Tank Johnson is fucking done and not even a starter. Not one of these women would know who he was if not for the gun thing; there, I said it. Finally, in a brilliant, concise and breathtaking stroke Veronica concludes her speech by saying that they have opportunities to win, but distractions. Bravo.

They have players at every position. They are pretty complete, like the NFC version of the Chargers.

like the Chargers but with a QB (Rivers had an 82.4 rating, 15 interceptions and five of the seven top passing attempt days he had were in losses, the less involved Rivers is, the better it is for San Diego. Romo, as punchable as his face may be, had a 97.4 rating and the three Dallas losses in the regular season co-incided with three of the five days Dallas relied on the run the most. And yes, I realised that's a mangled sentence, too much Scoop is not good for the mind), actual receivers (tell me one thing of note Chris Chambers has done), a far superior O-Line and the existence of NFL quality safeties. Other than that, basically identical.

My biggest thing with the Cowboys is the consistency in their running game.

Kari: Well, now they have Marion [Barber] back there who proved himself last year --

Lindsay: But you can't run one running back all of the time --

Felix Jones...he's been written about everywhere. Particulary if you read fantasy analysis, it's a way people can learn about football as well as having fun.

True, but it all depends on how you feature that runner. If you have a strong QB and some decent receivers --

Kari: And they do have Jason Witten.

Whole table: "Oooh yeah!"

a tablewide of Scoop proclaimed football "experts" just remembered who like the third best tight end in football was. BTW, wasn't that "Oooh yeah" how you stereotypically think of beautiful dumb women collectively realising something? I'm not saying these women are dumb, they really probably aren't, I just found the imagery Scoop presented us with amusing.

Lindsay: So with all of that said, why won't they win it all?

Veronica and Kari: Past experience (laugh).

hilarious.

Veronica: They've been a play away! Twice! Two years in a row! A play away! To me, that's a choke. When you are a play away, you don't get beat, you fall [expletive] apart.

tells me that they were in a position to be a play, relying on dumb luck usually, away from success. I'd say if you were a Houston Texans fan right now you'd be pretty envious. I mean, did the David Tyree catch mean that the Pats fell apart?

Veronica: Look, I've been a Cowboys fan since I was little, since Tony Dorsett. I'll always have love for Dallas. But they be makin' me mad.

they be making me mad. Please tell me this was accompanied by a head shimmy. Apparently this is the "vice president, Hill and Knowlton public marketing".

So does everyone have a favorite team? One that you pull for year after year, week in, week out, no matter what?

Claudine: No, but I was a Patriots fan for a long time and that's because I went to school in Boston [Boston College]. But I'm a fan of where BC players go when they get to the NFL. So for a long time it was New England, but now it's the Falcons. Matt Ryan.

Lindsay: Sadly, I'm a Bears fan.

Kari: Me too. The Bears.

Lindsay: Walter Payton, [Jim] McMahon, [Mike] Singletary, that whole 1985 team … They've been horrendous many times since, but still --

Kari: Tom Thayer was a right guard for the Bears on that team when I grew up. He's a good friend of my family. So during the whole height of 1984, '85, '86, my dad was a cop, so Tom would come down to the house and sign autographs and everything for us while he'd help my Dad out with things around the house. And with my Dad being a cop, Tom would use my father as his "security" on places he'd have to go. I used to hang out with Neal Anderson, Keith Van Horne. Those guys became like brothers to me, and I don't have any brothers. So when I grew up and was able to form my own opinion … I'll just say this: It's really hard for me to pull for another team.

Terri Evans (sales associate, Tiffany's) walks in, joins in. She's introduced to everyone. A promo for next week's Jets game comes on the television. Round three of drinks is ordered.

Terri: I love watching the Chicago Bears, but that's because I'm in Chicago. But that's not my team. I don't have a team. Back in the '80s Dallas was my team.

[Veronica reaches across the table and gives Terri five.] They had the coach, they had Tony Dorsett --

Veronica: Ed "Too Tall" Jones, Randy White --

Terri: Yeah … the Cowboys.

*Jimmy begins prying eyes out with ball point pen in boredom*

Are you all tired of the whole Brett Favre thing?

Terri: Oh, yes

Lindsay: I was there for it...

she was there man, she was there. You can't just go back to playing dolls after that, *lights cigarette, shuddering*

I sat through press conferences. I was just like, "Why don't they just bring him back?" If he wants to play with them, let him play. Make him earn his spot back or tell Aaron Rodgers to take a seat until next year. But in the end, when the Packers were like, "We're going to offer you $25 million to be our marketing partner? We're going to give you hush-hush money?" Then at one point Brett was like, "I'm showing up anyway." I think the whole thing is ridiculous. I'm a Bears fan. I'm not a Packers or a Jets fan, so …

Kari: They let him get away with everything. The coaches, the team. But when you're that good -- as good as Brett Favre is -- everything is supposed to go your way. What he did, it's like he did it for attention. The crying? What was that?

Terri: There's no crying in retirement.

Whole table: (laugh)

Kari: If you are going to cry, leave. Stay gone.

if you've just walked in, Scoop Jackson is this week's guest on "The View". He is bitching out of writing his column by getting his friends drunk and documenting their responses. Remember - bloggers are ruining the quality of information available online. Scoop is a qualified professional, please do not try writing this article at home.

I should stop here, they go on, a perfectly fine conversation and I will unintentionally cross a line if I continue. The women obviously have an interest in football, and that's great, really - I'm not a sexist. They aren't stupid or anything, but you know what? They are fucking LEAGUES short of being worthwhile commentators on the sport to be published on the most popular sports website in the world, and I still don't see what the fuck this has to do with fantasy football. I guess the article was trying to like, break down stereotypes of women and sport? Maybe? I mean, none of the introductory stuff really suggests that, I'm just giving Scoop more credit than he deserves.

I'll be honest with you kids, this is nothing like me and my friends would discuss football - at all. And not suggesting that we are as cool, connected or frankly, as successful as these women, I'm just saying we know way more about football. Quite sincerely, that may make us nerds, but you know what? We're comfortable with that, I don't think Scoop Jackson is comfortable with who he is and thus has to prove to us he knows women. Because the point "listen to these women because they know football and that and that alone makes their perspective unique and worthy of inter/national attention" is absolutely rubbish. I get the distinct feeling I'm supposed to be surprised and impressed with these women. Why? That is my question, why? It's the same premise behind Ecksteinism - condescendion played as admiration. Putting people in a position where we're supposed to think they are "cute" for doing things they "shouldn't" be doing. In my opinion, the column is pretty sexist.