Yes, I Can't!

It has been Bill Simmons Week on this here blog. I was going to go without mentioning his Friday picks this week, but there are just so many words involved in it and I dislike so many of them I could not stop myself from typing. It is a power poll, I can't stop.

He sucks.

Mike Singletary's first postgame news conference broke the record for "most e-mails from readers making the exact same joke," in this case, some variation of, "How badly did Singletary want to be in the next Coors Light commercial?"

Bill must not realize he breaks the record every week for "most columns where he makes the exact same joke." He doesn't even throw in different variations of the jokes. This entire column he brings up the same topics he has always discussed and makes the same jokes he has always made.

The scene: Al Davis' office on a Monday morning. It's pitch black.

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Al: "Come in. … DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS!"

(We see two minions awkwardly stumble in the dark and fumble around to find two chairs.)

Minion No. 1: "Al, I know we gave up a second-round pick for DeAngelo Hall, and I know we topped his next-highest offer by a good $20 million, but the coaches think he's a complete liability."

Minion No. 2: "He could kill our cap space even more than he already has if we don't waive him this week."

Al: "Cap space? What is cap space?"

This fake conversation goes on and on after this and actually somehow manages to decrease in hilarity as it goes along to the point Bill Simmons goes for the old stand by "Al Davis doesn't know what year it is and is a vampire."

Way to make up new jokes on the spot, Bill!

I think Bill is trying to get fired because this column was neither informative, funny, or anything positive. It was forced and grating.

What do you do when that guy you saw before and after EVERY Mariners game disappears?"

(I don't know what to say anymore, Justin. If there's a silver lining, the rest of the country finally seems to be catching on after I spent two straight months writing about it and printing your e-mails in this column. A Sports Illustrated writer even regurgitated most of those thoughts and ideas for a column this week. So, I'd say national empathy is coming around. Hang in there.)

Of course Bill, the Sports Illustrated writer wanted comments and thoughts from YOUR readers to sum up the situation in Seattle. I am sure no one has written to this SI writer with the exact same feelings your Seattle readers have because you are the only national writer the Seattle fans speak to. You are special.

Here Bill is accusing an SI writer of regurgitating his reader's feelings to write a column and I have to say, it makes him look pretty pathetic because he does not realize he is not the only person in the world who has readers and whose readers have similar feelings as other people in the world.

Meanwhile, I would like President-elect Obama to pass a bill on Jan. 21 that Bernard Pollard's middle name should be said at all times -- like how we would describe an assassin -- to properly convey how he killed the Patriots' 2008 season. I can't get over it. I'm calling him Bernard Karmell Pollard from now on.

I pulled a muscle in my stomach not laughing at that. No fucking wonder Jimmy Kimmel fired him if this is all that he has. The Patriots have a really good record by the way right now (5-3) and yet Bill is still whining about Tom Brady getting injured. Does he ever stop whining about something?

More importantly, Gus Johnson's performance this past Sunday -- live play-by-play of Cincy's first victory this season, followed by taped play-by-play of the Slamball championship on CBS -- was like reliving Al Michaels and Lake Placid for six solid hours. I turned off the TV, walked into the kitchen and had the following exchange with my wife:

Me: "THAT SMELLS GOOD! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Her: "I'm making chicken milanese …"

Me: "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOA!!!!!!!! WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Her: "… broccoli and sweet potatoes."

Me: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MY GOD! MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT A DINNER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!"

This is like something I would write on a bad day. This is horribly not funny and he goes back to the "Gus Johnson screams loudly at sporting events" well for more non funny jokes.

I am going to go ahead and offend someone here. If you read this and thought this was funny, then you are stupid and really need to look into what you think is entertaining. If you are not tired of the incredibly stupid fake conversation and voices he is writing as of today, you have to be tired of Gus Johnson jokes. There is no way you can't be tired of the Gus Johnson jokes. No way.

I don't do fake conversations and voices incredibly well but you have to make them a little over the top and amusing. Not stupid and obvious.

And by the way, if I hadn't had the good sense to turn down HBO, I would have been sitting in Edwards' seat that night. Can you imagine? I'd be wrtitngf sentunces lik thiss riggght nowe. Every time I watch Edwards drop a pass, I feel more guilty than Ben Affleck in "Bounce."

Bill throws out another "this can't be disproven by my readers" bragging claim so everyone knows that he was wanted on the HBO "Costas Now" show about the Internet and blogging. Does anyone in the world like it when someone comes up and starts bragging about all the things that person could have said or done? If no, then why do you continue to read Bill Simmons?

I doubt he was invited on that show in place of Braylon Edwards. In what type of universe would someone think Bill Simmon's perspective would be similar to Braylon Edwards? That's what Bill is suggesting here, they took Edwards when he turned down the gig. They wanted an athlete, not a 40 year old washed up Boston transplant who is in Hollywood looking to make it big. This has to be an outright lie.

By the way, when is someone at Fox going to have the "we think you might need to start doing impressions of someone younger than 45" conversation with Frank Caliendo? Next month? Next year? 2011? When he shows up as the Skipper from "Gilligan's Island" one week?

Probably the exact same day ESPN has the "we think you might need to start quoting movies that were made in this decade" talk with Bill Simmons. How can he not be self aware enough to see that the exact same thing he is knocking Frank Caliendo for doing, mocking older people, is what he does with pop culture references? He talks about old ass movies and television shows, that is his entire shitty ass schtick, but now he thinks Caliendo needs to branch out. He needs to find a mirror and look at before he starts criticizing.

On second thought...he might re-fall in love with himself, we'll just not tell him.

… you can't complain about Matt Cassel when one of the other 2008 contenders is starting Brad Johnson … it's probably not a good idea for a contender to skimp on the backup QB position to sign a man who has been arrested more than a dozen times as its nickel back …

Bill refers to the Dallas Cowboys twice here as a contender, then ranks them 21st in his scientific power poll. Peter King compliments him on this great use of contradictory writing.

(My buddy Sal makes a good point: What if the Cowboys had promoted Tony Sparano 18 months ago instead of digging Wade Phillips out of his mausoleum and giving him a whistle? I countered with, "What if Bernard Pollard hadn't ended the Patriots' season in eight minutes?" We changed topics. Quickly.)

Because we all know Tony Sparano would have done a much better job with this team and it would not hurt him not having Bill Parcells around in the front office. Not at all.

The Patriots season is not over, they are 5-3 at my last check. Quit being a whiny bitch.

Anyway, why do I have to hear announcers bring up Frerotte's head-butting incident every week with the inevitable clip, but nobody ever seems to bring up Leonard Little's DUI arrest after his drunken-driving involuntary manslaughter conviction, or the time Albert Haynesworth stomped a defenseless Andre Gurode in the face, or even Matt Jones' arrest for allegedly blowing lines in his car this summer?

This was Bill Simmons' one good point in all of these 6,000 words.

they lost a home game to play in London; they're in the toughest division in THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE; and somehow, they're 4-4 and favored on the road this Sunday against an underrated Falcons team. It has been Brees and Sean Payton, and that's really it.

The NFC South is not the toughest division in the NFL. You obviously do not text King Peter King every week, he could tell you how tough the NFC East is.

I would like to think Reggie Bush at one point had a little bit to do with the record of the Saints.

(By the way, I did that off the top of my head. We are reaching the point where I am two weeks away from stopping by my local Toyota dealership, buying a brand-new Toyota Tundra with zero APR financing, driving the car off the lot, doing a U-turn, then plowing it through the front window of the dealership at 60 mph while screaming, "SAVED BY ZERO," like the guys from "Red Dawn" screamed, "WOLVERINES!"

Red Dawn came out in 1985. Frank Caliendo would like an apology now Bill.

One hour before this past Sunday's game, my little boy started "Exorcist"-puking all over the place. I should have known right then that Sunday night's game wasn't going to be fun.

You have a family...and children? I have never heard about this.

I am pretty sure your son's inability to hold down your wife's shitty cooking had absolutely nothing to do with the Patriots losing. Here in Bill's world though, if there is no correlation, he makes one up.

Belichick turning into Ray Childress for three hours and lacking the balls to go for it on fourth-and-1

Ray Childress? The ex-Houston Oiler's defensive lineman did not like to go for it on fourth down? I never knew that. I also never knew he became an NFL coach.

(I know he meant Brad Childress, but I hope he got 100,000 emails about this and he makes some shitty excuse next week for this mistake and mocks his readers for being such losers and bringing it up.)

I now will put on my Pat Patriot helmet and dive out of a moving car.

Bill is like the Rodney Dangerfield of sports comedy. Same jokes, never updated, but different variations to where you might think if he is funny if you have an IQ under 45.

Bill gets too much respect though, at least from the public for the type of consistent shit he puts out in his columns, I don't know if he gets respect from anyone else. Probably not.

Not even the Last Supper had as much tension, awkwardness and soul-searching as a hypothetical Pack-Jets Super Bowl.

And yes, that was a Bible, Before Christ-era reference.

When did Peter King start ghost writing Bill's columns?

In the words of Dave Dameshek, quoting a 20-year-old chick flick that centers around dancing, "As the great Jerry Orbach once said, 'When I'm wrong, I'm wrong.'"

Yes, he just put a Dirty Dancing reference in his column referring to him being wrong about Matty Iccccccccccce 1.

Can we start a petition for him to get new material? I can just see him grabbing at a fake neck tie after he writes all of these new jokes with a look like "Geesh, tough crowd" on his face while no one laughs.

So, I went to a BlackBerry Bold party Thursday night with my friends Will and Ben. Everyone who went to the party got a free, engraved BlackBerry Bold, and since it hadn't been released yet and celebs love free stuff, there were an inordinate amount of B-list celebs in the house.

Nobody cares that you live in Hollywood and are friends with Will Wheaton and Ben Savage. Ok, that may not be who you went with, but that is the only way this story could be any good...and it wasn't, which is why I skip it. It dealt with Kate Bosworth's legs.

Story No. 2: The cast of "Entourage" was there. Jeremy Piven might be 5-foot-7. Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) isn't taller than 5-foot-6. The guy who plays E (Kevin Connolly) is a solid 5-foot-4. We were joking that they had to ask for mini-BlackBerry Bolds or else they would have been carrying the real ones against their chests like Moses carried one of the Commandments tablets.

See, the thing is, nobody cares about your jokes. I don't go up to anyone I know and feel the need to share a joke that was made at a completely different place. Stories, yes, you can tell stories, but jokes don't translate well when you re tell them and they were not funny to begin with. I love how he feels the need to tell you the character's name on Entourage and who plays them, even though if you don't watch the show neither name would mean jackshit to you.

Story No. 3: I was waiting for my car afterward and standing next to Matt Saracen (Zach Gilford) from "Friday Night Lights."

I love how he throws the first part in so you know someone gets his car for him. Can this man be any more of a douchebag? He makes a living telling the same jokes over and over again, has zero talent outside of talking about his favorite teams, and tells his readers stories about all the famous people he meets. How can you not hate him?

And as I was thinking about what to say, suddenly an SUV pulled up and Kim Kardashian jumped out wearing a Halloween costume as 20 photographers descended on her in 0.0008 seconds from a 50-foot radius.Even more illogical, someone who became famous because of a sex tape "mattered" in this little paparazzi world infinitely more than a star from one of the only television shows that matters right now. Nobody was even taking his picture. I understand why … it's just depressing, that's all.

Much like this story, this person on Friday Night Lights is boring and she is not. Nobody was taking his picture because no one watches the show. Check out the ratings someday if you can find enough time to get your head from up your own ass.

5. Carolina Panthers
4. Baltimore Ravens
3. Pittsburgh Steelers

And each team has a fatal flaw: a rookie QB (Baltimore), an erratic QB (Carolina) and a shaky offensive line (Pittsburgh). How will it play out? You got me.

Bill tries some analysis and I am all over this.

You know this one got me. Delhomme is erratic but this year he has looked pretty damn good. Stats! I would go ahead and say he is unspectacular, but he also has arguably the best receiver in the NFL on his side. Also, he is 5-2 career in the playoffs, so he is not all that shaky. I have no great proof but I think this is wrong. I also think the Pittsburgh line is going to gel a little better towards the end of the year and Flacco just needs more receivers. I severly doubt these teams are going to the Super Bowl but I think the reasons they won't go are:

Baltimore- no receivers for rookie QB to throw to

Carolina- no consistent running game

Pittsburgh- how healthy is Ben Roethlisberger going to be the rest of the year?

Just my opinion.

I really respect how the Giants have defended their title this season.

I think they have defended it with more vigorosity than the New England Patriots ever have. My Vigorosity Scale agrees with me.

You know what I like about the Titans? They get it done.

He gets paid to say these types of things. That, telling Hollywood stories, telling what his friends/father said, and making the same pop culture jokes continuously, yet he is still unhappy with ESPN for allowing him to do this. I am vexed as to why.