I have a lot of stuff rattling around my little brain right now and some shitty journalism to pick apart as well. We have two very quick and sudden college basketball semi-backtracks and of course some Woody, neither of which is bad journalism on its face but contains secret nuggets of shitty journalism right beneath the chocolate coating of credibility. Of course there is also good journalism which I will only mildly acknowledge because I am an asshole that way.
1. This is my favorite story ever that involves the words "sloppy seconds."
What I don't understand this week is NHL commissioner Gary Bettman's overreaction to Sean Avery's slightly off-color joke about his peers dating his exes.
This was beyond an overreaction, this almost infringed on one's ability to make free speech. It was an unfunny joke by a guy who is a certified asshole, but considering his ex has dated 3-4 hockey players, it is also very true. Let's face it, hockey needs as much press coverage as it can get right now, negative or positive, it really doesn't matter as long as it turns into ratings and public awareness of the sport. Sure you don't Sean Avery to be the representative of hockey but this is just a joke a guy made about his ex-girlfriend.
Bettman could've handled it by issuing a statement from the league apologizing to Cuthbert and any offended fans and promising to suspend Avery for his next, remotely inappropriate public comment.
This is where I disagree with Jason Whitlock. Why the hell would the league apologize to Elisha Cuthbert for the offensive comment made by her ex-boyfriend? Maybe if she would quit trying to date the entire NHL her asshole boyfriend would not get so bitter and try to make whiny, smart ass comments to reporters. I am not being a He-Man Woman-Hater here, it was wrong for him to make the comment publicly, but I am sure she really doesn't care overall and she has moved on. Using the words "sloppy seconds" is the only offensive part and that term is not offensive really, so I would imagine she is not too worried about it.
I think she needs to apologize to the public for a few of her movies that millions of people have innocently watched not knowing they were horrible. I think House of Wax ruined more people's lives than any Sean Avery comment.
We have to cut people a little slack, even people we don't like. Avery gets to be offensively flawed up to a point. He's yet to cross the line. We shouldn't push him over it.
I don't agree with Jason Whitlock on this whole article, he compares Sean Avery to Charles Barkley and I don't think the comparison is all the way correct, but the way he makes an argument (most of the time) so logically, it is hard to not agree with him sometimes. "Sloppy seconds" is not an inherently negative term, this is not a Don Imus situation, and there was no comment offensive to women here, it was directed at one person and is no different than what people talk about privately all the time.
2. We will let Gregg Doyel be the first to backtrack on his "Duke can compete with North Carolina article from yesterday."
Backtrack.
Humility is all I have going for me tonight, one night after watching No. 4 Duke dismantle No. 9 Purdue and deciding that even if No. 1 North Carolina is far and away the best team in the country, I'd give you the Tar Heels in the 2009 NCAA tournament if you'd give me the rest of the country.
Which, in my opinion, was beyond wrong. Carry on, man whose picture makes him look like a sexual predator.
Last night, I liked that idea a lot. Liked that story. Loved the phrasing. Even chuckled to myself -- I'll take the rest of the field ... how clever -- as I drove from West Lafayette, Ind., toward Detroit.
I can see him doing this, driving his Kia down the highway, leering at young women in cars and laughing loudly to himself at how funny that line was and how really, really awesome that goatee looks on him.
Tonight I hate it.
Because tonight I watched North Carolina for myself.
I don't know how to be speechless when typing, so I will say, I am speechless.
He has never watched UNC play for himself? Not at all this year? How did he write an article saying how Duke could beat them if he has never even watched them play. That's not a question, but a statement that makes no sense, just like him comparing two teams, one of which he has never seen play makes no sense to me.
That's quite a statement, right? But he's right. North Carolina is terrorizing everyone it plays, and North Carolina is only going to get better from here on out.
They are beyond awesome. No one is going to beat them this year and I really, really mean that. I am very tired of talking about this, but I need everyone on my side before I will shut up.
This is the first year I am actually looking forward to the Duke-UNC game because I have no expectations of Duke even keeping up going in. Usually I dread it because I don't talk to many of my best friends and call one of my siblings vile names all week.
With the benches more than two feet below the upraised Ford Field court, Izzo hoisted a single chair onto the floor and sat in it, alone, like a fourth-grader isolated from the rest of the class. The last time I looked, Izzo's face was gone. It was covered by his hands. His fingers were vigorously rubbing his forehead. Or trying to peel off the skin.
Here's a list of 3 coaches I hate (I respect them because they are good coaches, but hate them) in the order I hate these coaches:
1. Roy Williams
Why?
His quote about Tyler Hansbrough:
"He's a competitive rascal," Williams said.
I just want to punch him for using the word "rascal."
2. Jim Calhoun
Has broken my heart so many times and never has shown remorse and also has shown a remarkable resiliency to cancer which proves to me he is a robot sent here from the future to piss me off.
3. Tom Izzo
I find him annoying and his team's annoying and Mateen Cleaves was annoying and I will never forget how annoying I find him.
Yet, I felt bad for him last night. I would not feel bad for the other two on the list at any point, unless their lives hung in the balance or some other incident occurred not involving basketball, but I wanted to give Izzo a hug last night, because I know it will happen to my team too at some point.
You can have Jim Furyk, Phil Mickelson and Sergio Garcia. Give me Tiger Woods any day of the week.
I am glad he can admit he is wrong but seeing UNC play is usually a prerequisite to making bold statements about how they are beatable.
3. Jeff Goodman, you go ahead and start telling us how great UNC is.
There's no reason to wait four months. Tyler Hansbrough and his teammates should have just brought out a ladder and snipped the nets.
I wish they had, I have emotionally given up on this year.
"They just played into our game," North Carolina shooting guard Wayne Ellington said. "They tried to run back at us and that's crazy."
I only put Wayne Ellington's name in here because there are many women jealous of the eye liner he used the day he took his picture announcers show during games. It blends so well with his skin and I have promised them all I will find out where he gets it from. If anyone knows, please tell me.
I don't want to talk about UNC anymore...
4. I am always going to be shocked that Rick Reilly is making millions for shit like this. You could give anyone access to a set of pro athletes and time to look at the rule book and they could have written this article for about 1/100 the price Reilly charges ESPN.
Q: How many points do you get for returning a blocked PAT all the way?
Calvin Pace, LB, Jets: "Two? Isn't that the rule in college?"
Kerry Rhodes, S, Jets: "Wait, you're trying to trick me. It's either two or none. I say none."
Nick Mangold, C, Jets: "Seven? I have no idea."
Dustin Keller, TE, Jets: "I think it's two."
Madison: "Two."
Correct answer: Zero.
The entire article consists of players being asked questions about the rules of football and answering those questions to the best of their ability. That's it. He writes one of these a week and gets paid millions. Athletes are underpaid compared to the work he is putting in every week for the money he is receiving for that work. Bill Simmons has to be pissed people get on him for writing two columns a week and a podcast, thinking that is not enough.
5. Woody Paige is making shitty Christmas rhymes.
'Twas 23 nights before Christmas, when all through The Can, creatures were stirring, because each was a fan.
When, what to our wondering eyes should appear, but the Nuggets coach and 12 players dear.
George Karl whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: "Now, Chauncey! now, Melo! now, Nene and Kenyon! On, Dahntay! On, Linas! On, Carter and Chucky!
"Now, Birdman! Now, Balkman! Shoot, J.R.! Sit, Cheikh Samb! Now dash away! Play D our way! Rebound that ball! Go hard you all!"
Karl's eyes — how they twinkled, his dimples how merry. He had a broad face and a round belly, that shook when the Nugs scored 132, like a bowlful of jelly.
I know Woody Paige is trying to be hilarious but this is cheesy. I would describe Woody as the Crown Prince of Journalism but he is neither funny nor does he do any real journalism other than make knee jerk reactions after important games and then writes a mildy coherent column combining no comedy and the knee jerk reaction he has.
Iverson-for-Billups was a fair exchange.
Iverson is a great ball player but he is not, and never will be, an NBA point guard and a team with Carmelo Anthony that likes to run needs a legitimate point guard. Fortunately Chauncey Billups is just that.
Anthony and Kenyon Martin, both of whom questioned the deal and the departure of Iverson following the team's first practice after the blockbuster was officially announced, have been major beneficiaries and elevated their games.
Woody fails to point out this is Reason #239 you should never let your current players choose who plays on the roster for a team. They have a tendency to be wrong.
After another early exit in the postseason, some were thinking of Karl as Red Klotz (the coach of the Harlem Globetrotters' lap dogs),
I will let you all finish this sentence for me. If you have to explain the joke then, it is not...
but, with Billups as his extension on the floor, and with his new defensive schemes, and with Jones as a starter and with his renewed enthusiasm, Karl is being thought of with a couple of other Reds — Auerbach and Holtzman.
Woody just inferred, after an 11-3 record with Chauncey Billups as the starting point guard, George Karl is being compared to two coaching legends by anyone in the world outside of Woody himself. All George Karl needs now to complete the comparison is win a playoff series and three or four NBA titles. That's it...then we can finally compare these three coaching legends in the same breath. George Karl is a legend in the making.
6. You always wondered how Texas Tech had such a high powered and fast offense? Wonder no more.
The best part?
Texas Tech associate athletic director Chris Cook confirmed that Sanders is a housemate of All-American receiver Michael Crabtree and junior defensive end Brandon Sesay.
I am not suggesting anything here, but I am saying I usually knew what my roommates in college were doing and at times I would partake in what they did.
7. What is with Bill Simmons talking about the NBA getting "its curves back" and now he is predicting teams who will do better in the playoffs this summer because they are getting their "reps" in the playoffs. I have not provided a link but I am sure you can find his Friday article from last week.
As usual, he is making up terms rather than just say, "Cleveland could win the East this year because they have more experience." "Reps" is just another word for experience, yet he tries to make it seem much more elaborate than that, which it is not. The more a team plays in the playoffs, the more they get used to handling the spotlight. Simple as that.
I hope he posts something really bad tomorrow.
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