Rambling About Bill Simmons

Let's just start taking cheap shots at Bill Simmons for his opinion.

Not really cheap shots but Bill Simmons' ramblings always have potential for some great craptitude and this one is no exception.

When ABC launches a game-show pilot called "Country Singer, Famous Assassin or Kick Returner?" the final question will definitely be, "Who is Johnnie Lee Higgins?"

When ABC launches the game show pilot called, "Jokes that Get Told Over and Over and Were Never Funny Originally" would this joke be considered too pathetic for the show?

Oh yeah Bill, your 1998-2001 columns called and they want all of their jokes back or it will sue you for self parody.

The highlight of my Thanksgiving weekend: Including a humorous comparison in last week's NBA column about Deron Williams' 2008-09 stats versus Chris Paul's 2008-09 stats (even though Williams had played only two games), hoping to incite a barrage of "That's not fair, Williams was hurt!" e-mails from the trigger-happy Jazz fans ... and nearly 900 e-mails and eight days later, they're still sending angry e-mails. Utah fans are the best. They really are. As far as inferiority complexes go, they might be the Joe Pesci of NBA fan bases. They're funny.

Those there Utah people sure are funny, not quite as cultured as us here California folk, right Bill?

How stupid of the Utah Jazz fans to believe a comparison made in ESPN's most popular columnist's latest entry would not be a joke. They are so stupid for actually believing something Bill would write!

Bill has been dogging out Deron Williams all year for Chris Paul being better and then he threw that comparison in his column, I thought it was a real comparison too. I don't think Bill knows that people expect constant mediocrity and poor fact based reporting from him. We as a people know Bill is stupid and feel the need to correct him when he is being stupid. Plus, Bill is actually dumb enough to use such a comparison after two games.

At a certain point I am going to need a disclaimer to tell which facts Bill puts up are jokes and which ones are actual facts someone else collected for him.

What was more improbable: Michael Turner's becoming more valuable than just-about-washed-up former teammate LaDainian Tomlinson, or Anna Paquin becoming more relevant than just-about-washed-up "Almost Famous" cast mate Kate Hudson?

Considering Michael Turner has about 10,000 less yards and 4 less years (those are guesses I made) on him then, I would say this is not improbable at all.

Anna Paquin has an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress from when she was 13 years old, while Kate Hudson has spend her career starring in romantic comedies with Matthew McConoughey (it's "I Am Not Looking Any Spellings Up" Day), so I would say her resurgence in relevance was not totally unforseen.

I would ask what his point is but I know he doesn't have one.

Repeat after me: It can't be a "Subway Super Bowl" when both teams play in New Jersey. It can't be a "Subway Super Bowl" when both teams play in New Jersey. It can't be a "Subway Super Bowl" when both teams play in New Jersey.

This has nothing to do with this comment Bill made but I wonder how "Old Man" Greg Oden is doing these days. I haven't heard Bill mention him lately.

Oh, he is averaging 8 points 8 rebounds and almost 2 blocks in 22 minutes...on a 14-6 team? Not bad. Kevin Durant? 22 points 4 rebounds, almost 2 assists and less than a steal and a block in 37 minutes...on a 2-17 team?

Where in the league can you find someone who can score 22 points in 37 minutes? That sure is hard to find, a lot harder to find than someone who averages a double double and blocks three shots a game if they played the same amount of minutes.

I am not suggesting Kevin Durant is worse than Greg Oden, I am suggesting I would rather have Greg Oden than Kevin Durant. Clearly at this point Kevin Durant is a better player but I think Greg Oden is probably more valuable to his team.

It's really too bad that we can't bet on things like, "Cortland Finnegan will kill the Titans in the playoffs with a really dumb unnecessary roughness penalty at the worst possible time."

It's really too bad we can't bet on things like, "Bill Simmons will make the same joke he made last column in this column and there will be five 1980's movies references."

Speaking of short yardage, you know Philly is struggling when reader Dan from Fairfax, Va., sends me a long e-mail explaining why Andy Reid should sign a "little person," then have McNabb line up in shotgun formation while holding the "little person," take a shotgun snap, hand the ball to the "little person," then fling him over the offensive and defensive lines into the end zone. And Dan was serious. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Philadelphia Eagles!

I am sure "Dan" was serious about this and Bill could tell this just by reading his email. This doesn't sound like a joke at all. Maybe Utah is not the only state/person that has problems knowing what is a joke and what is not.

Also if Bill Simmons was really funny he wanted have pointed out Donovan McNabb would probably be injured for the rest of the year throwing the "little person" because he would pull a muscle doing it. I will say it for him though.

In retrospect, David Garrard's $60 million extension would be like NBC's giving Andy Samberg $60 million right after "D--- In a Box." You might have wanted to let that one breathe a little, Jacksonville.

Yeah, stupid personnel decision there. Take it from the guy whose favorite team just signed Junior Seau to play for them...and it is not 1998. How about the Patriots signing Drew Bledsoe to a 10 year $103 million dollar contract in 2001, that really worked out with him in the long run. Luckily, there was one quarterback on the roster who could earn that money.

It's funny how Bill forgets these things.

Of course, my favorite team once signed Sean Gilbert to a 6 year $40 million plus contract after he sat out a year because God told him to.

(I love Giants fans. You're right, guys -- you're much better off without your 6-foot-5 target who killed teams in the red zone. You won't miss him at all. And having your star middle linebacker potentially heading to jail for conspiracy to cover up a crime won't be a distraction in any way. You'll be fine.)

I love Bill. He points out all the distractions that are going to hurt the Giants this year, despite the fact last year his favorite team went perfect in the regular season after having survived a few distractions of their own. It can happen, you would think Bill would know this. Of course no team can buy into the "team concept" like the Patriots can in his mind, so the Giants are clearly unable to pull this off.

I don't want to say The Killers are going in the wrong direction, but their third album made their second album sound like a cross between "Born in the USA" and "Nevermind" ... and I'm currently using the second album's CD as a coaster for ginger ale.

I don't care what anyone thinks at all. I love listening to the Killers second album and I also am in the process of loving their third album. Bill is as smart as a music critic as he is a sportswriter/entertainer/comedian/douchebag...actually he is a great douchebag.

Sure the second album is overblown and heavy on cheesy imagery, but that is exactly what they were going for at the time. I am sure Bill is a huge Maroon 5 fan and would love to hear The Killers re-write their best songs over and over again but they actually wanted to play and experiment with their sound, rather than put the same shit out year after year. Not all bands can be Maroon 5 and have every song sound the same with the singer using the same whiny high pitched voice that sounds like absolute shit live. I would love to hear what Bill is listening to right now and I could almost guarantee you he loves Vampire Weekend. I almost started a music reviewing blog and I think about doing it everyday...but I will stick to sports.

Seriously, is there any reason why Gregg Popovich is now dressing, looking and acting like Sean Connery? Was he inspired by a "Celebrity Jeopardy" sketch on "SNL"?

Ubuntu.

That reminds me, the next time an NFL player tells a radio station something as incriminating as this ...

"In my 11 years, this is probably the worst team, emphasize the word 'team,' that I've been on. We have some outstanding players, but the mix is bad. We can't really find that chemistry that we need. ... We don't have that mix and it's just tough right now."

I have been reading profootballtalk.com for about as long as it has been in existence now and the fact Bill Simmons has stumbled upon it makes me not want to read it anymore.

We're all in this together. I botched last week's Jags-Texans game solely because I never knew Taylor had just flushed the 2008 season down the toilet, walked out of the bathroom and told everyone else, "Don't go in there." It's upsetting.

I am sure it was that exact quote that caused Bill to miss the Jags-Texans game last week and not the fact he uses "the homefield team is not going to cover the spread" rule that he so intelligently revealed last week and then did not follow it. It was the Fred Taylor quote, not the fact the Jags are unexpectedly horrible. It's never Bill's fault.

2. If you noticed how the Cleveland Cromeos defended Manning last week, they stacked the line of scrimmage, pressured him and dared him to throw deep ... and he couldn't do it. Not a good sign for the Colts' playoff hopes. Even if they're the luckiest football team in the history of the planet.

Bill is STILL bitter about the Colts winning a Super Bowl. The Colts have been lucky this year but many good teams get lucky all the time. I think sometimes you make your own luck and it seems the Colts have kind of done that this year.

I am not a Peyton Manning fan by any stretch of the imagination but I am going to go ahead and say if any more teams stack the line of scrimmage and dare him to throw deep, it won't work out so well for the next team.

3. Which reminds me, the Colts are five plays away from potentially being 3-9: Tarvaris Jackson's second dumb turnover in Week 2; Sage Rosenfels trying to leap two guys for a first down in Week 5; Dave Thomas' stupid late hit in Week 9; Marvin Harrison's fourth-down catch in San Diego (Week 10); and Derek Anderson fumbling away the lead (and the game) in Week 12. If those five plays had gone the other way, the Colts would be 3-9. I watched all five of those games and say that with complete certainty. So there.

How many straws can Bill Simmons grasp at here to knock the Colts? Pretty much any team in the NFL is one or two plays in a game from having a losing record or even a winning record. If John Kasey doesn't kick the ball out of bounds at the end of the 2004 Super Bowl then the Patriots may not have won that Super Bowl, if Charles Woodson gets to Tom Brady a split second earlier maybe New England loses that playoff game in 2002, and if David Tyree does not catch a ball on his helmet the Giants would not have won the Super Bowl last year. It is football. Most of the time a game hangs on a couple of plays and which team is able to make those plays, if he doesn't understand that by now he is a moron. The entire league has teams a couple of plays away from having a different year.

Think about it. Canada gets the spiritual lift of purchasing one of the 50 states, as well as musicians like Kid Rock, Bob Seger and Eminem, a second NBA and MLB team, two Big Ten schools, another NHL team, its first NFL team and, of course, more territory. Canadians would be flying high ... so high they wouldn't even mind that they were now involved in the WNBA. Meanwhile, America would escape billion-dollar buyouts for the car companies, and if we need a 50th state, we can always use Puerto Rico as long as it doesn't put us over the luxury tax. Michigan natives get universal health care, a fresh start and a chance to feel like they're spending more money than usual with the Canadian dollar. Everyone wins! I'm a genius. Just wait until I become Sports Czar and I talk my man Barry into this.

This Sports Czar thing is not going away. Remember how I said Bill has the ability to take decent causes and make them completely about him? (Simmons for Bucks GM, Sonics are going to move away...) Well, think for five seconds and see if you can remember why Bill has named himself Sports Czar...if you can do it congratulations. It took me seven seconds.

We are either going to have to write him and complain about this or deal with it every single week until an editor politely tells Bill to stop it. God knows we can't put it in the comments section because Bill's feelings need protected from the big meanies in the world.

(Great point from Chip in Mechanicsville, Ga.: "The Wildcat formation would have been perfect for Michael Vick. He was before his time in being right for it, and he'll get back to the NFL just after it wears out its welcome as an NFL offense and defenses learn how to stop it." Look at the bright side: At least he's not bankrupt and incarcerated.)

The Wildcat would have been perfect for Mike Vick, you know if he were a running back (which is usually how the Wildcat is run) and if you want your quarterback getting hit 35 times a game. Not to mention, the Falcons pretty much ran the Wildcat Formation the entire time Vick was there. He would drop back to pass, then take off running, and the refs would be in so much awe of his running ability, the offensive lineman could molest defensive linemen and hold them all they wanted to.

It was great times playing them twice a year, trust me.

Here's how much I respect the Giants (and don't respect the Eagles): We just witnessed one of the all-time in-season distractions in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE (Copyright: Ron Jaworski), and even though this looks like a classic "They're too distracted to get focused for this one" situation, I still think the Giants win by two touchdowns as Andy Reid shatters the record for "most failed challenges in a single season" with three games still to go.

What happened to this: (I love Giants fans. You're right, guys -- you're much better off without your 6-foot-5 target who killed teams in the red zone. You won't miss him at all. And having your star middle linebacker potentially heading to jail for conspiracy to cover up a crime won't be a distraction in any way. You'll be fine.)

I know Bill thinks the Eagles really suck but when is this distraction Bill thinks is going to happen actually happening? This is not a real contradiction but you can't rip a team's fans for thinking everything that is going on won't be a distraction and then you say it won't be a distraction and expect me to not call you a hypocrite.

I would put this in the comments at the bottom of Bill's column, but he is the Boy in the Bubble and gets negatively affected by comments on his columns.

(Random gambling note: After I unveiled my big theory two Fridays ago about the death of home-field advantage, the road teams went 22-10 against the spread over the next two weeks ... and somehow, I finished 17-15 over that span. So, I didn't even heed my own advice. I'm an idiot. I really am. Including Thursday night's San Diego cover, home teams are 76-111 against the spread this season. Staggering.)

I don't know whether it is more shocking Bill made up some half assed theory that actually continues to work for this year or the fact he puts an entire column out about it and then is a hypocrite to his own self and does not follow his own advice.

I think the most shocking part might be we are going to have a nation of gamblers who follow the gambling theories of a man who has made his living talking about his favorite sports teams and 1980's movies.

Fast-forward to Week 17: "It's the 8-7 Broncos against the 7-8 Chargers for the AFC West division title, live on CBS! Hello everyone, I'm Bill Macatee along with Steve Beuerlein..."

(You're right, that joke was too subtle and didn't work. The JOKE was that, even though this game was for a division title, CBS sent its No. 6 broadcast team. Again, we could avoid this scenario simply by adopting my "A division champ has to win nine games to get a playoff spot" rule, which will be a crucial part of my "Sports Czar" campaign as it unfolds in the next few weeks.)

Sports Czar campaign!!! This has to go. I agree it is pathetic for a team to win 8 games and win the division but why does a team have to win 9 games to make the playoffs? Just because it is a winning record? In this case, the Chargers would have not won their 9th game because Ed Hoculi screwed up at the end of the first game between these two teams. The Chargers would have won 9 games in Bill's scenario if they beat the Broncos again here and Hoculi actually does his job. Under the Sports Czar campaign the Chargers don't make the playoffs because of an official's stupidity. Why punish a team for a mistake an official made?

Answer me that genius Sports Douche.

I am surprised Bill has not invented a religion yet that would worship him as a God. I guess he has his columns and it is about the same thing for his loyal readers as church. They defend him to their death and get very offended when anyone takes a shot at him to the point you think they may hunt you down and try to injure you.

Marion Barber, you're gonna love that sloppy Heinz Field. In other news, I am now actively rooting against the Steelers after Ryan Clark's Jack Tatum-esque cheap shot on Wes Welker. If that had been done to a quarterback, he would have been handcuffed on the spot, thrown in jail and banned from professional football. The Karma Police are coming for you, Ryan Clark. You just wait.

I am sorry I couldn't hear what Bill said here because they were just announcing Rodney Harrison was voted the Dirtiest Player in the NFL.

I watched this hit 8 times in slow motion forwards and backwards. Ryan Clark did not lead with his helmet and made no attempt to actually hurt Wes Welker. Sure, it was an incredibly hard hit. The ball was tipped and it was in play. If you don't want to get hit, don't go over the middle. Considering Welker makes his living running little pussy foot crossing patterns, he is going to get hit sometimes. It was a really, really hard hit but it was not a cheap shot because the ball was tipped. Welkers is a great receiver and I would not want him to get hurt but, again, if you don't want to get hit, don't go near the middle.

(Funny request from Chad V. in D.C. that someone should be able to accommodate this weekend: "Could someone put together a montage for YouTube showing how much these pregame guys laugh at the most ridiculously unfunny things? By the way, I wrote this laughing hilariously at my wife opening the fridge.")

Chad V. you are a douchebag Bill Simmons follower for making a joke about laughing while your wife opened the fridge. This is not funny and the YouTube clip would not be that funny either. Pregame shows are stupid and if you don't like them, don't watch them.

I guess you could say the same about a Bill Simmons column, but then what would I write about?

That is a world that is depressing for me.