MMQB Review: The Upper East Part of North America Edition...Again

I know the teams in the upper Northeast (and the Cowboys) are by far the most interesting teams in the history of the world so I can live with this for the time being. I just can't live with Peter King writing a weekly column that irritates me like it does.

This was not such a horrible column but I will of course nitpick and find things to dislike.

MMQB

Did someone say Miracle of the Ketchup Bottle?

This is how he started the column off and I did not get it until I just started writing this sentence. Incredibly stupid. It should be "Miracle In the Ketchup Bottle" since they actually played the game at Heinz Field and it might seem a little more relevant. A ketchup bottle had nothing to do with Pittsburgh coming back and winning.

There's no way Witten, had he broke right, would have been in position to catch this ball. So I put the blame on Romo.

Actually he would have if he had read the defense correctly and what about the final play when he was wide open but had his back turned? Well everything in the world is Tony Romo's fault I guess. You would think all the time Witten and Romo spent in Mexico last year the week before one of the most important games of their lives would have them on the same page. Guess not.

I assume it has to be part pinky, part weather, but this is only going to add to the perception that Romo's not a big-game quarterback -- 19 of 36, 210 yards, one touchdown, three picks, one fumble -- though one of the picks was more Terrell Owens' laziness than a poor throw.

Terrell Owens is NOT lazy, Marvin Harrison would be lucky to be so much like him. Marvin Harrison, that fraud.

My other point is that Romo deserves the criticism, but let's let his career breathe before we label him some sort of A-Rod in the clutch.

Exactly, because the whole A Rod is not clutch thing is over played and also doesn't make a whole lot of sense since there is really no such thing as a baseball player being clutch.

It's not that Tony Romo is not clutch, that is not true, he just threw a pass that should have not been thrown and that was his fault.

And the Giants, the other team at the Meadowlands ... No Burress. Maybe no Brandon Jacobs; Tiki Barber reported last night he may miss Sunday night's showdown in Dallas with a knee injury.

Read this sentence again and doesn't it seem just a little bit like Tiki Barber is the one missing the game Sunday with a knee injury? If someone reads this sentence and has been in a time capsule for 5 years, they would be confused. Of course, if anyone has been in a time capsule for five years I doubt Peter's MMQB is one of the first things he/she would read.

In a business with a lot of interesting physical specimens, Welker is a freak of nature. Welker took the hit of a career last week against Pittsburgh across the middle, getting blown up by safety Ryan Clark on a vicious but clean hit. I wondered all week how Welker would respond. Would he miss any time? Call in sick? Beg his mother not to make him ever go out there again?

Wes Welker got right up on the field and continued to play in the game a couple plays after he got hit, why would have not played this week? It was a tough hit and Welker is lucky he did not get hurt but let's not act like he was playing with a broken ankle or something. He had no ill effects from the hit all week, there is no reason he would not play in the game.

"Call in sick" or "beg his mother not to make him ever go out there again?" This is fucking stupid.

Welker has become Matt Cassel's ultimate security blanket

He was Tom Brady's ultimate security blanket last year, his importance has not been elevated this year. Wes Welker is a very good receiver, can't we just all accept this and not turn him into David Eckstein? All you have to do to amaze sportswriters is be white and good at sports. This will fucking baffle them for decades.

I hope the Patriots realize Welker's incredible value.

He led the league in receptions last year and is going to do so this year as well, I am positively sure the Patriots realize his value.

4. Indianapolis (9-4). Haven't lost since the night of that weird rainout in Game 5 of the World Series.

I am pretty sure there is no correlation between these two events. What an odd comparison.

6. Philadelphia (7-5-1).

He thinks Philadelphia is the sixth best team in the NFL. That's all I have to say about his power poll rankings this week.

11. New England (8-5). Gut check win. Matt Cassel has more passing yards, by the way, than Aaron Rodgers, Brett Favre and Eli Manning.

More than Brett Favre? No fucking way, is that possible? Doesn't Favre get like 2 yards for every 1 yard a normal quarterback has?

12. Dallas (8-5). There are some serious -- I mean, very serious -- communication issues on the field between Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

I am sure they will take a road trip before their next important game to Mexico to work through those issues.

"There's nothing to be afraid of ... It's been a wonderful ride so far. I think I'm a lifer. I love the city of New York. I love New Jersey.''-- Plaxico Burress, in an enlightening interview last July with Leonard Lopate of the WNYC, the public radio station in New York.
Lopate, a superb interviewer, got some interesting stuff out of this 18-minute talk with Burress.
On whether he was intimidated in facing the Patriots last year: "It's football, not poker. There is nothing to be intimidated about.''
On how much he wanted to win the NFC title game and get to the Super Bowl: "When you actually lose the game, it's a lifetime scar ... I always said to myself if I ever had an opportunity to get back to another championship game, I would just leave it all on the field and I wouldn't have any regrets after that game.''
On staying warm during the playoff game in Green Bay: "We weren't serving any Gatorade on the field. We weren't serving any water. We were serving chicken broth on the sideline. It has a high salinity. I don't want to drink water or Gatorade when it's minus-23 degrees. It was so good at the time you want to keep drinking, drinking, drinking it.''

Peter considers this interesting stuff? No wonder we are subjected to his weekly thoughts about coffee and the biggest problems he encountered that week with traveling. He could very well be the most boring person on Earth.

Defensive Players of the Week
Brandon Meriweather, S, New England. This is the kind of breakout game that can launch a player's career. Six tackles -- three of them behind the line of scrimmage -- plus one sack, two passes defensed and the most important forced fumble of his two-year career.

I am not trying to New England bash here, I promise. Is this really numbers worthy of a defensive player of the week honor? Maybe it is, I haven't seen other player's numbers, so maybe they are good enough.

MVP Watch

3. Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia

Every week does Peter actually watch any games or just pick random names out of hats? First off, he has not played in two of the Eagle's games, which in MLB is like playing in only 137 games or 69 games in the NBA, and second, his numbers this year are projecting to be his lowest since 2004.

This year would not even be one of his best years but he is the third best player in the league?

The New York Giants printed their season tickets this year with photos of players on each ticket. Ten tickets, 10 different players. For their game against the Eagles Sunday -- the Giants first home game since the Plaxico Burress shooting scandal -- the picture on the ticket was (you guessed it) of Burress, making his Super Bowl-winning touchdown catch, on the fade route in the end zone, to beat the Patriots.
"A fade,'' Randy Cross, my Sirius NFL Radio partner, said the other day. "That's appropriate.''

How is this appropriate? Is Plaxico getting a fade haircut in prison? He hasn't exactly faded out of the public eye. Maybe if the ticket had him with a gun in sweatpants then it would be appropriate, but nothing about Plaxico makes me think of the word "fade."

d. Keith Olbermann on the happenings in the Motor City: "The Lions haven't won since the presidency of James K. Polk.''

I think this quote is even less funny if you are able to visualize his irritating, grating voice saying it while leaning into the camera. Has anyone ever made a more annoying switch from sports to politics? He's beyond not funny and I can't stand to see him on television. Other than that, he is great.

f. I could still see the Chiefs drafting a quarterback in the first three rounds and having him challenge Tyler Thigpen and Brodie Croyle for quarterback-of-the-future in Chiefland.

Smart move. Because nothing says, "we have no fucking clue how to manage a roster and win games" any more than getting three inexperienced, ineffective quarterbacks on a roster, instead of just sticking to two, and letting them fight it out.

(Herm Edwards) "Why would we need a veteran backup? We have three mediocre young guys. Someone is bound to step up."

(Common sense) "What if no one does?"

(Herm) "Someone is going to step up, because when you put men in a position to succeed, those that are weak either fall back and join the others or rise to the top of the cream of the crop. That's what I want, the cream of the crop out here and the only way to do that is to get three guys who want the job and want to play in the NFL and let them dogfight it out until..."

(Common sense shoots itself in the head)

i. I'd worry about that Marion Barber dislocated toe if I were the Cowboys.

The Cowboys and the world thank you for giving them permission to worry about Marion Barber's toe. The whole fucking world was in a holding pattern wondering what the hell you thought about this situation. The Cowboys didn't know what the hell to do or think when their starting running back's foot got injured. Now they do. Here's a donut, you have done your job.

2. I think the NFL has to take Pro Bowl voting away from fans. It's silly, it's pointless, and it makes a mockery of the game. How can Joe from Klamath Falls vote for three guards in the NFC?

You mean Klamath Falls, Oregon? I googled Joes and I can't find any specific ones but I do know every fucking person named Joe in Oregon is a complete dumbass and should not be able to vote for the Pro Bowl. If you rip this from the people's hands and give it to the football insiders like Peter King, you would end up with the NY Giants offensive line, the Eagles defense, Tony Romo, Matt Ryan and Matt Hasselbeck as quarterback for the NFC and the entire Patriots lineup on defense for the AFC and that would be so much fucking better. Actually, why the hell are the people voting for the President as well? Just let Peter King vote for that as well. Brett Favre would be in the White House in four years for sure.

The people, especially in Klamath Falls, are idiots they don't know their head from their ass. Since the ratings for the Pro Bowl suck anyway, this should just pretty much end the game all together since the only people who watch the game are the ones who voted for these players to see them play one more time. Take away the fan's choice and nobody is watching this game. This suggestion is elitism at its best and is completely asinine.

The vote should go to 96 people: two coordinators per team one pro scout per team. Then it would really mean something.

The game does not mean anything anyway because it is an exhibition and does not count for anything. This game is not ever supposed to mean anything, it is for the fans, and taking the voting out of their hands is pretty much defeating the purpose of the game you fat, ignorant man.

How the hell are the people supposed to be able to be trusted to vote for President but not who we want starting in the Pro Bowl?

c. Every time I watch Lance Moore play I think he can be Wes Welker. Gutsy, tough, sure-handed.

Everytime he sees Kris Jenkins play, he thinks of chocolate donuts. Everytime he sees Brett Favre play, he thinks of that one night on the road when they were alone...

Peter King is singlehandedly turning Wes Welker into David Eckstein. Patriots fans beware!

i. The more I see of Shaun Hill, the more I think he's going to be a starting quarterback in the NFL for a few years.

What makes him think this? The only reason Shaun Hill is a starting quarterback right now is that he plays for the 49ers and it is that or J.T. O'Sullivan who has to play the position. Also, notice how this type of sentence usually ends with "...for a long time," and Peter ended it with "...for a few years." Ouch.

d. Was every Tony Romo throw sailing five feet high in Pittsburgh? That's how it looked to me.

It probably has nothing to do with that weird ass throwing motion he has, the one he gets constantly complimented on, but there is no way that could be it...never.

8. I think my coach of the year vote is going to come down to five men: Mike Smith, Tom Coughlin, Jeff Fisher, Tony Sparano and Bill Belichick. I welcome your comments. The last three weeks will weigh heavily, because this is close.

My only comments are that you are stupid for thinking Belichick and Coughlin should be in this race. I don't know how you can vote the two coaches who coached in the Super Bowl last year as Coach of the Year. Sure, they faced adversity, but the other coaches did more with less in my opinion. It should be Tony Sparano or Jeff Fisher's to lose.

d. Coffeenerdness: Don't remember ever waiting 18 minutes in Starbucks before, but I did Saturday afternoon in Montclair. Isn't there a recession going on?

No shit. I keep hearing people complain to me about how they can't afford anything, yet it seems like everyone is not having a problem going out to do some Christmas shopping.

Not to get too offensive again, but I am sure many of the same people spending $100 per person on Christmas also had no clue they would not be able to afford their mortgage. Ignorance was bliss at one time, until everyone had to start paying for other people's ignorance.

e. Why does Rutgers end up in these Single-A bowls every year? There can't be 15 teams in America playing better over the last five or six weeks.

Because they went 7-5 in the Big East, a weak conference, and they don't get extra credit for playing well at the end of the year. Just ask USC.

Now, for the game: I say the Bucs will slow down (I didn't say "shut down'') sudden ace back DeAngelo Williams, which is how you shut down the Panthers.

Incorrect. You shut down the Panthers by shutting down Steve Smith and you shut out Steve Smith by not letting the Panthers establish the run, which you do by not letting DeAngelo Williams break it to the outside. No matter how much you shut down DeAngelo Williams, you also have to shut down Steve Smith.

I hate it when my teams have to play Tampa Bay, I am actually scared of them. I get a headache every time I think about that little bald, midget Jeff Garcia running around the field dumping passes in front of Panther defenders while the corners play 15 yards off the receivers.