MMQB Review: Headlines Ripped From ESPN's Everyday Top Headlines

If I told you I was going to read a transcript about football news and said the top headlines were about Tom Brady, T.O., Brett Favre, and Mike Vick, you would think that you were watching SportsCenter or some other ESPN show. You would be dead wrong. You are listening to me read a transcript of Peter King's MMQB for this week. (cue omnious music)

You know Peter has gotten lazy when he just picks the top 4 stories everyone talks about and gives us just a little bit more new information on them. I would even give him credit for doing interviews about Tom Brady and the Patriots, but he is close enough now that he doesn't get credit for that. (On a side note, I tried to watch 1st and 10 on ESPN yesterday and it is unwatchable. I couldn't do it, I felt like I was getting dumber and dumber for the entire two minutes I watched it.)

Let's see what crap Peter spews this week.

Headlines of the week:

In Sports Illustrated this week (no spoilers until tomorrow on SI.com; sorry), I've got the first extended interview with Brady since the Sept. 7 knee injury that knocked him out for the 2008 season.

Peter King may be the only columnist who teases his own columns in Sports Illustrated. Is he really afraid no one would read them? Also, if I am getting a whole article in SI about the same topic Peter discusses here and I pay for this, why do I have to read similar information in his MMQB?

Brady's been throwing to his receivers -- he estimates he's thrown with Randy Moss 12 times --

Now this is how you get ready for an NFL season Brett Favre. While you are throwing to high school kids and pretending you have no interest in coming back to the NFL, Tom Brady is throwing to his actual receivers...because he is actually committed to being on a team in time to throw to his actual receivers that will be on the same team as him.

They've had to replace 82 wide-receiver catches from that team, with Jabar Gaffney and Donte' Stallworth out

Yes, how are they ever going to replace the production of two underachieving ex-SEC receivers. Somehow I am sure they can find a way. Like find two other guys who can manage to catch 41 passes, or less than 3 per game, and catch the ball in the most explosive offense in NFL history from one of the best quarterbacks to play the game. It may be tough to find someone like this, but I think they can do it if they try really hard.

so Greg Lewis and the ancient Joey Galloway are in. I see Lewis, a reliable darter, catching 50 balls.

Which would be a career high and also more passes than he has caught over the last 3 years with the Eagles, who don't have a history of having incredible wide receiver depth and skill. Just thought I would mention this.

But Galloway had a bad foot (since recovered) last year, started only four games in Tampa, and comes north with doubts that he can stay healthy. On the plus side: He played in 47-of-48 Bucs games from 2005 through 2007.

Peter calls Galloway ancient and says that there are doubts that he can stay healthy. Then he lists a statistic that shows Galloway has been able to stay healthy in the past, thereby showing that maybe last year's injury was a fluke last year. So I would not even call him an injury risk really. I am surprised that Peter is not really worried that Galloway is known for his speed and is 37 years old. That doesn't concern him at all?

Really the only reason Peter is giving these two receivers any type of credit is because Belichick is coaching this team. If they both signed with the Bears, Peter would be panning these trades and free agents signings, but he trusts Belichick can get production out of them. Imagine if the Bears trade for Greg Lewis and sign Joey Galloway, Peter would go out of his way to say these two are not fixes for them. But since New England and Belichick signed them, they get lead story in MMQB. A lot of success in the NFL depends on where you end up I guess.

Funny to think of in this way, but the key to a great offensive season for New England might actually be the fleet Galloway, who I'm told is running in the 4.4s even at 38.

Amazing, he does not even turn 38 until November 2009 and Peter already knows he will run a 4.4 at that time. I wonder if you get taught to tell the future in journalism school or it is something you are able to do before you get there? Peter calls him ancient and injury prone, then dispels those rumors quickly. I am surprised more teams did not go after this 37 year old diamond in the rough.

Imagine splitting a healthy Galloway and Moss wide to either side, with Welker in the slot and a good receiver like Kevin Faulk in the backfield. There are going to be some tough coverage assignments for a defense with those receivers playing as a group.

Thanks for not waiting until September for the New England Patriots season preview Peter, nothing really changes between May and September anyway...

The sands in the hourglass are running out for Brett Favre. This is what I know about the odd little mating dance between Favre and the Vikings as of this weekend:

• He's going to have a make a decision whether to join the Vikings very soon, probably by this weekend, because the Vikings want to know what their 2009 future is at quarterback.

A decision soon? But, how is he going to stay in the spotlight and milk this unretirement for all that it is worth? One more week is not nearly enough time to get journalists to write really nice things about him and to get him the attention he deserves and craves. This is Brett Favre's nightmare. I bet he stays retired and then unretires and says the Vikings did not give him enough time to make a decision.

I was also told that severing the tendon would have no impact on Favre's velocity or accuracy.

Unfortunately the fact he is almost 40 years of age will have a big impact on Favre's velocity and accuracy. Just like it did towards the end of last year.

Whereas he used to throw interceptions really hard at a certain player on the opposing team, now he just lofts the ball to a certain group of defensive players on the opposing team. Fortunately, he will still be able to throw spectacular interceptions that are not really interceptions, but tidbits of joy he gives to the other team displaying how much fun he has playing the game of football. That's a relief to know.

But it's only a guess. As I've said through this whole thing, I've been wrong about Favre staying retired twice, and so I'm out of the Favre prediction business. Let's see what this week brings.

Well gee thanks Mr. NFL Insider! What the fuck do you get paid for if you know as much as the general public knows and will find out when we find out? If there is anyone who King should be able to get a scoop on, it's Favre, but he still can't do that.

Michael Vick's chance to succeed is due to how the game has changed in the last three years. I'll detail some good X-and-O stuff about Vick's future in Tuesday's column.

Peter almost spends more time previewing his other columns in MMQB than he does actually writing any useful information.

"Teams are playing the spread more, and playing things like the Wildcat more, running more gimmicky plays,'' said Trent Green, the longtime quarterback trying to get signed somewhere.

Hahahahaha....that's a good one Peter! Trent Green trying to still play in the NFL! At least he throws a joke in there every once in a while to lighten the mood. Trent Green still trying to play in the NFL, you're such a kidder at times Peter.

When you have a player as important as Cribbs is to the organization, you want to treat him right and show the rest of the team that you're paid on merit, not just based on the loftiness of where you were drafted. Normally, I don't think playing three years of a seven-year deal is enough to merit a re-do, but given Cribbs' output, it seems like the right thing to do.

This is why I criticize Peter King. He is supposed to know something about the NFL, the coaches in the NFL and the players in the NFL. He doesn't even mention in this part about the Joshua Cribbs siuation that based on Mangini's record with the Jets there is almost no one way he is getting a new deal. There were several Jets players who wanted new contracts or complained about getting a new contract and they were not resigned or traded. So maybe Mangini has changed his policy about this, but Peter has to mention this because I find it very relevant to this situation. When discussing a player's contract, the coach's willingness to redo contracts should be considered, right?

Stupid me. You readers are correct: I omitted a shout-out to all veterans of this special day in the original publishing of this column. Memorial Day is a day we should all give thanks to everyone who died serving our country. Pardon me for the glaring omission, and thanks to all past and present service people for keeping us free.

Due to our braves soldier's ability to fight for our freedom Peter King is free to go to any country in the world and bitch about their coffee. I am actually surprised he did not mention this.

Quote of the Week II

"Now I just gotta stay there 15 years.''
-- Lions coach Jim Schwartz, commenting on the beautiful 12,000-square-foot home on four acres that he purchased from former Red Wing Pat Verbeek in the suburbs north of Detroit. It's not the beauty of the home that counts to Schwartz, but the length of time he spends in it. Steve Mariucci and Rod Marinelli had great houses too. Mariucci's was a sweetheart of a place, on a lake, and no coach east of Mike Shanahan lived any better. Ask him if that matters now.

Thanks for the lesson in how fragile job security in life can be Peter. I am sure the thousands of people in America who have lost their homes to foreclosure because they have lost their jobs during the economic downturn needed this lesson to help open their eyes to the fact there are millionaires out there who have homes they just can't sell no matter how hard they try. I think we need to think about these people at least twice daily.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

To say New York Jets special-teamer Larry Izzo enjoyed his time with the Patriots is an understatement. He played with New England for eight years, won three Super Bowl rings, was a fixture in Boston social and community events, and was a selfless volunteer (raising more than $600,000 for military families with an annual karaoke event called "Larryoke''). In the offseason, he signed with the Jets. Not exactly Johnny Damon to the Yankees, but notable.

He and wife, Mara, had a son this spring. They named him Boston.

This is truly a factoid (which we must all remember is defined as "a spurious—unverified, incorrect, or fabricated—statement formed and asserted as a fact, but with no veracity." So there is a good chance Peter is lying about this) that only you are interested in Peter. I am pretty sure Patriot nor Jets fans care about this.

Tom Speicher of Williamsport, Pa. (who Tweets under the name tomspeicher), asks this about Michael Vick: "Will someone in the media please point out that even at the 'height' of his career, Vick was at best a mediocre QB!''

His completion percentages when he started at least 15 games -- 54.9,56.4, 55.3 and 52.6 -- were poor; he had 36 fumbles and 38 interceptions in his last 46 starts. He was electric and exciting, but Speicher's right.

I am not sure completion percentage should be exactly how success as a quarterback should be completely measured, but I am glad Peter is three years late on finally realizing that Vick was never a great thrower of the ol' pigskin. Again, Mike Vick is very talented, but Matt Ryan is a much better quarterback and I think the Falcons are in a better position now then they were when Vick was QB.

I can assure you that Vick and Jim Mora will never be on the same team again. Let's just say it didn't end too well the last time they were together. Not just the ending, but the middle part, too. The entire Atlanta organization wasn't crazy about Vick's work ethic in the offseason. It's illogical to think Mora would stake any portion of his future on Vick.

But...I thought the Falcons organization did Vick wrong and threw him under the bus? Mike Vick is completely a victim, he did nothing wrong...ever.

You mean he did not have great work ethic? Was it the fact he never improved as a passer or that he never improved at throwing the football that tipped this off?

2. I think, though, when the Seattle quarterback depth chart is looking as if it will be Hasselbeck, Seneca Wallace and the immortal Mike Teel, it's pretty logical to wonder why you wouldn't consider bringing Vick in-house.

Mike Teel has thrown 0 career NFL passes and Mark Sanchez has thrown 0 career NFL passes. How the hell is it not more logical to count on Teel to be successful as your 3rd string quarterback, than to count on Mark Sanchez being successful as the starting quarterback for the Jets? I have always thought about things like this. How can you knock the Seahawks for keeping a cheap, unproven rookie backup, but praise the Jets for overpaying for an expensive, unproven rookie starter? Only in the NFL...

4. I think I don't expect the NFL to find the Redskins guilty of tampering with Albert Haynesworth -- Jason Cole of Yahoo! reported the investigation Saturday -- because I believe much of the investigation will center on the very public displays of affection Washington owner Dan Snyder had with Haynesworth's agent, Chad Speck, in Indianapolis at the scouting combine. Snyder and Speck had dinner in full view of half the coaches and scouts in the city. You'd be naïve to think they weren't discussing Haynesworth;

That sentence makes no sense. He says he doesn't think the Redskins will be found guilty because of the very obvious public nature of their guilt. So the more the obvious the guilt, the more innocent you are of tampering.

For some reason, making the tampering rules more lenient scares me a little. I really am not sure why.

Peter then talks a little bit about the 17 or 18 game schedule for the upcoming year, which I also don't like as an idea and I don't think the NFL should increase the amount of games. I agree and think teams will be pretty beat up at the end of the year. I don't know why they have to change things that work well. Except for money reasons of course.

8. I think that one of the reasons I rated New Orleans at No. 24 in my power rankings a few weeks ago was wheeled out of a Las Vegas hotel on a stretcher yesterday. I don't trust Jeremy Shockey anymore to stay healthy for 16 weeks.

So he ranked the Saints 24th because he doesn't think one player on the team can stay healthy all year? Why doesn't this make any sense to me? If I recall correctly, Drew Brees did pretty well last year without several of his top players and the Saints went 8-8.

9. I think you can start firing up the e-mails about this right now, but I won't back down: I laugh when I hear fans of the pit bull breed say pit bulls are no more harmful than any other dog on the planet, and they only turn bad when they're trained to be bad. Yeah, right. Why do I never read about golden retrievers attacking, maiming and killing people? I do not understand why families with children use pit bulls as guard dogs or pets.

Peter puts shit like this in his columns so that way all his mail on Tuesday can be about this "dog issue" and not about all the other stupid shit he said in his MMQB. Now every email he gets is going to be about his comments on dogs and not the NFL.

Not to mention golden retrievers don't get a lot of attention because they attack and maim in the middle of the night, then try to cover it up as an accident. The reason Lassie knew when everyone was in trouble? Because he was responsible for it every time. Timmy was in that well because Lassie was a heartless murdering bitch. Just think about that next time you hear of a golden retriever helping someone out by barking.

a. I am amazed at how many empty seats I see on TV when I watch the Yankees play at the new stadium.

Peter still hasn't completely realized we are in one of the worst economic times since the Great Depression...and that the Yankees priced their seats very expensive, even after discounting them.

d. I'm not blind. I see David Ortiz being beyond awful. He is owed more than seven bad weeks, people, before being buried.

I have some horrible sentence structures contained in this here blog, but even I would edit this second sentence to where it made some type of sense. I feel like he dictated this sentence while Christopher Walken was speaking.

e. Wake up, Ryan Howard. You are wreaking havoc with my rotisserie team.

Peter is fine with David Ortiz hitting .195/.301/.299 for his real life favorite team and thinks he needs time to snap out of it, but Ryan Howard's .262/.337/.547 for Peter's fake team is absolutely killing him. Get out of your slump Howard, you are ruining Peter's fake team!

g. The final Dr. Z-related fundraiser note: I have one more debt of gratitude to try to repay. I want to thank the Internet. Fifteen years ago, if Paul Zimmerman had three strokes and we tried to raise money for him, I'm guessing we'd have gotten $35,000, maybe $40,000, from a dinner and auction.

Yes, so thank you Internet, you have done more for Dr. Z than we could ever thank you for. As repayment for your kindness, Peter King will give you a shout out in his weekly Internet column. Irony anyone?

j. Hey, all you who got so ticked off because I revealed Pam's pregnancy four days after The Office season finale ... I mean, come on. Are you telling me you hadn't the time in four entire days to watch the TiVoed version of the last show of the season in a great series?

As much as I am able to get angry at the written words on a page, this comment angers me. Peter is the one who is always talking about catching up with televisions shows like Family Guy because he is so busy. He's just being an asshole here. If I remember correctly he was talking about watching Gran Torino in theaters in December and he never watched it until a couple of weeks ago. This guy is always behind on television series or catching up with a series a few years after it starts. Then he tells everyone to quit whining because he ruins a show 4 days after it airs. 4 days! Maybe a person was on vacation or something. What an asshole.

k. I see a former presidential intern for JFK is writing a book about her story, 47 years after sleeping with him. Now there's something the planet can't live without.

My Father's Day shopping column will be June 15, six days before Father's Day; I'll be giving you book advice so you can buy your dad something other than a tie he'll immediately deposit at the bottom of his closet.

Peter's self important moment of the day. He mocks a book about an intern sleeping with a president 47 years ago as inconsequential but in the next sentence thinks we need to look to him for book ideas. Yes, I can live without any type of written history about a president, but Peter King's book buying guide is incredibly important to my life.

See, his stupidity is still great, even when it comes at you one day late. (I did not mean to rhyme that).

No columns the weeks of June 29, July 6, 13 or 20. I'll resume MMQB on July 27 and write a Tuesday edition July 28.

Everyone will be sad, I will stock up on the tissues.