A Man and His Mailbag And A Man and His Hat

I am admittedly a few days late on this, but Bill Simmons included a mailbag with his NFL picks for Week 5. What kind of Simmons-idolizing questions do his readers have for him this week? And more importantly, what new “theory,” "face," or “corollary” will Bill make up this week? As always, the focus will be on the stupidity/moron-factor of the question by the reader as well as Bill’s response to the question.

If you like sports, like television and actively look for reasons to waste time, your two favorite months are probably April and October.

I am reading a Bill Simmons mailbag, so of course I love to waste time when that happens…no matter what month it is.

I love nothing more than to waste time. I even created a career around wasting time while intermittently handing in columns and recording podcasts. So yes, I like April and October.

This was a good joke. I like self-deprecating humor. See, I can be fair to Bill and don’t just write her to make fun of his readers who idolize him to the point of copying his writing style, ideas and pretty much everything he does.

Now that we are getting along, I want to use this space to say that Bill Simmons was right about the Denver Broncos this year. He had them as his sleeper team in the NFL this year and it ended up being true. Bill has been pretty accurate this year so far. He is doing well in his ESPN Pick ‘Em league and his Broncos prediction has been correct. Now that I have been nice, I will be mean again.

I love Halloween so much that I'll be stopping my book tour for two days -- even though it's the first week, only the most crucial part of the tour -- so I could fly cross-country to trick-or-treat with my kids.

It would have been much nicer to hear Bill say he loves Halloween that much and isn’t actually flying across country to spend time with his children. You know it's true. He says it is to spend time with his kids, but it's really for his own purposes. It’s like an anti-Full House moment.

(Bill’s kids) “Dad, you’re back! We missed you!”

(Bill Simmons) “Of course I am back, I love Halloween! I can’t wait to cruise the streets for interesting costumes and then dress up in a costume with your mom and go to Halloween parties where I am going to have interesting conversations with people about athletes and pop culture and then relate the conversations in an amusing fashion to my readers.”

(Bill’s kids) “Are you taking us Trick-or Treating?”

(Bill Simmons) “Sure, how else am I going to have an excuse to cruise the streets and look for interesting costumes Daniel-San and Adrian?”

(Bill’s kids) “Why do you call us that? Those aren’t our names. You don’t love us do you?”

(Bill Simmons walking away to get dressed in a costume) “Yup. These are my children.”

And with that being the case, we probably should crack open another mailbag. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

I still don’t believe these emails are real. I want to believe there are people in this world who idolize Bill so much they talk like him, write like him and further his ideas. I want to believe there are a lot of SimmonsClones out in the world, but I also have a big feeling Bill made up a lot of these emails.

On an off-topic topic, did anyone think it was possible 3 years ago that Art Shell could have been one of the best coaches the Raiders have chosen over the past 5 years? They could have hired pretty much anyone who could have outcoached Shell, but they hired Lane Kiffin and Tom Cable instead. Is it possible he was the best coaching hire for the Raiders out of the last three choices they have made?

Q: Is it too early to make jokes that LeBron's 2010 signing with the Nets will coincide with the return of one of his kidnapped children unharmed?-- Ian, Purchase, N.Y.

Before, the Clippers and Zombie Sonics were the best basketball situations for him (no way for both); the Lakers were out; the Bulls seemed far-fetched; and the Knicks are such a mess that adding LeBron would have been like reliving Gretzky and the Kings all over again. But Russian Mark Cuban's deep pockets coupled with Brooklyn and a decent young Nets roster? Intriguing!

I like the covert Gretzky mention two days after a show Bill worked on, “30 for 30,” debuts on ESPN with an introduction to the series that focused on a documentary about…………….Wayne Gretzky. It’s like he is trying to play Jedi mind tricks with his audience and get us to do what he wants, which is watch the show I have yet to actually getting around to watch.

Doesn’t Jay-Z have something to do with the New Jersey Nets as well? We all know Jay-Z is best friends with LeBron. New Jersey could be an interesting landing spot for LeBron.

I think it is not too early to take a look at that roster which currently has Devin Harris, Brook Lopez, Yi, Courtney Lee and Terrence Williams, with the idea they acquire LeBron James as a free agent. Bill may actually have a point here. Think about this lineup:

PG: Harris
SG: Lee
SF: James
PF: Yi (a guy who is still young and could really benefit from playing with LeBron)
C: Lopez

Isn’t that a lineup that could be a #3/#4 seed in the East without a doubt? Possibly they could even be better than that (the bench is a little thin for my tastes). I think just typing this has gotten me excited for the new NBA season. LeBron James with a good center, a good point guard, and a shooting guard who can hit three point shots and play a little defense? I feel like this is too easy to imagine it would actually happen. It never will happen because it make sense to me.

That reminds me, my daughter is one of the most outgoing kids on the planet. She is completely unafraid of any situation, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. But two weeks ago in a playacting class in preschool, she got shy and wouldn't do her fake scene. So why did she get shy? Turns out there was a new boy in her class that she really liked -- according to her, "He has curly hair, and I like how he dresses" -- and she was so smitten that she was afraid to playact in front of him. Who was the kid, you ask. The young son of Slash, the Guns N' Roses guitarist.

If anyone reading Bill’s mailbag had forgotten that Bill lives in Hollywood and knows A TON of famous people, this is just him reminding you. I wasn’t asking who the kid was. I don’t care.

Slash is also not the Guns N’ Roses guitarist anymore. I am 79% sure it is a guy who wears a chicken bucket on his head.

Q: At what point do we start addressing the Giants' Steve Smith as "Steve Smith," and Carolina's Steve Smith as "The Other Steve Smith"? Do we even go there, or should we just go the nickname route to definitely distinguish one from the other?-- Antonio S., Mexico City

You could just say “Steve Smith of the Panthers” or “Steve Smith of the Giants,” but maybe that just seems like it makes too much sense.

Right now, New York's Steve Smith is more relevant than Carolina's Steve Smith in every conceivable way except for one (teammate punching). He's having a better season; he's on a better team; and, truthfully, he might just be better.

Apparently it only takes 5 games for one Steve Smith to be considered better than the other Steve Smith. It’s not little Steve Smith’s fault that Jake Delhomme is a borderline retarded quarterback. Can’t we take that into effect that little Smith has to catch passes from Delhomme and big Smith gets to catch passes from Eli Manning?

Someone with the same name completely usurping that name from an established guy who plays the same position in the same sport at the same time?

I would bet 90% of the league would trade little Steve Smith for big Steve Smith straight up in a heartbeat. There is a reason teams plan their entire defensive game plan around Smith and there is always safety help on him. I know Bill is doing well at the whole NFL predicting thing this year but this is a major miss. Little Steve Smith is not done, he is just stuck on a crappy team with a crappy quarterback.

Why can't we approach this like versions of software? Carolina Steve becomes "Steve Smith 1.0." New York Steve becomes "Steve Smith 2.0." Done and done.

How about Carolina Steve Smith and New York Steve Smith? I guess it is too simple and it didn’t involve Bill trying to be the funniest guy in the room, which we all know Bill has to be at all times. No one can make a joke without Simmons trying to better the joke or add his own personal spin to the joke.

Q: As JaMarcus Russell's QB rating draws closer and closer to 0.0, shouldn't statisticians change the QB rating system just for him? I was thinking it would go something like this: Once a quarterback's rating drops below zero, he enters "the Russell zone". This rating is based on stats such as yards off target per pass, attempts to the wrong team and number of broken jaws in coaching staff.-- Bryan, Manhattan

By the way, the "historically (blank)" trend has become one of my favorite media trends this year, and I'd like to think I played a small role in it.

Of course Bill would love to think he played a small role in the term “historically (blank)” but that, of course, doesn’t mean he actually had a large role in the term. I am pretty sure Bill Simmons was not the first person to use the term “historically (blank)” and simply because he uses it frequently it doesn’t mean he is playing a small role in its use.

Little things like this are what makes me think that Bill Simmons has a huge ego and believes he is very important in the grand scheme of things. I pretty much feel like any success he has had went directly to his head and now he truly believes he is great.

Q: I'm a 24-year-old female looking for a Halloween costume that (a) isn't skanky (does that exist anymore??) and (b) will piss off as many people in NYC as possible. I'm from MA and it goes without saying a huge NE sports fan and somehow got sucked into living and working in Times Square for the past two years so I'd love a costume that would further alienate myself from the people in this city.

Runner-Up No. 1: Plaxico Burress

Yes, because the New York Giants are struggling so much this year (not last year, Andrew Perloff, because they did struggle then) without Burress. I would venture to guess not a single New York Giants fan would care if someone made fun of Plaxico Burress.

Runner-Up No. 2: Bernie Madoff supporter

It would be funny for 5 minutes and then nobody would care anymore. I don't even know how you would dress up as a Bernie Madoff supporter.

Winner: Derek Cheater

Yes, this would probably piss off a few Yankees fans, but after three minutes when they realize the person wearing the costume is a bitter and angry Red Sox fan they would probably spend the rest of the time at the party making fun of David Ortiz or Manny Ramirez and reminding this 24 year old female that the Red Sox got swept this year. Good idea in theory but in practice it would call more attention to her as a Red Sox fan, which would cause her more pain in the end…especially if she is an ugly Red Sox fan. No one will make fun of an attractive girl too hardcore but if she is ugly, all bets are off.

Also, I am glad it went without saying she was “a huge NE sports fan” but she still somehow felt like saying she was “a huge NE sports fan” since it was so obvious.

Q: I have a friend who has a blown-up framed copy of a Duke dad and son crying after a Duke loss hanging up in his house. Can you think of a better/more hilarious sports picture to have framed?-- Rob, College Park, Md.

How about a framed picture of the Maryland Terrapin men’s basketball team picture from 2004-2005 to 2008-2009 when the teams had a record of 102 wins and 63 losses, 3 NIT appearances, not getting past the second round in the NCAA Tournament? I think a cumulative picture of that would look really good. Maryland fans are great, many of them talk a lot of shit, but some like Rob here neglect to look at the fact they haven’t won a game against the team they are talking junk about since February 28, 2007.

Maryland has only lost 5 straight times to Duke, including by a score of 85-44 last year. This from the same crowd that said they had sex with J.J. Redick’s sister, who was all of 11 or 12 years of age at the time. The crowds at the men's basketball games have made an entire reputation out of being bitter and angry people. It’s what they are known for in the ACC. When UNC/Duke fans think you are obnoxious that says a whole lot.

I am just kidding Rob from College Park, Maryland. I wish Maryland the best of luck in the NIT this year.

(Yes, I realize Duke/UNC fans can be smug and assholes also. In my book, those two fan bases wrote the book on how to be jerks and smug. Both teams think they ARE the ACC for men's basketball. I am not smug about any of my teams, I get to be smug and a jerk one post per quarter and this was my post to do that. I don't like Rob from College Park, Maryland right now)

Q: I would like to make a formal apology to all of America. As a Packer fan, I had never experienced the sad fortune of listening to commentators gush over Brett Favre from the other side. To any fans of any team that ever played Brett when he was a Packer, I'm sorry. I never realized the severity of this slobbering.--DJ, Madison, Wis.

It’s ok DJ. You didn’t know. It’s not your fault.

Then Bill introduces the Tony Romo face, which is not entirely different from any other “face” he has ever put forth, it just belongs to Tony Romo so that is the only difference. Pretty soon nearly every athlete is going to have a “face” assigned to them by Bill Simmons.

After this, the mailbag gets even more full of pop culture drivel and his readers trying to be him to the point they are trying to name a university after Bill. The university named after Bill would probably claim to have a bunch of really famous graduates but they can’t remember their names or something to that effect. The university would start fights with other universities that could normally be settled on the athletic field but the Bill Simmons University would say they can’t do that because of Title IX or use some other excuse to hide behind. That would be BSU.

Bengals (+8.5) over RAVENS

Four straight Bengals nail-biters and Gus Johnson announcing Week 5? Do I need to spell this out for you?

Good call by Bill here. When he is not busy being a self-important and involved person he can sometimes get some things right about sports.

Other than that, there was not too much else in Bill’s mailbag. If I missed anything, give me a heads-up, but I think Bill is too busy getting ready for his book tour to write anything too controversial. Throw in the fact the Red Sox lost their series to the Angels and that means we are not going to have Bill paying any attention to the rest of the MLB Playoffs, which is just another reason the name The Sports Guy should be the Boston Sports Guy. If the Red Sox were in the ALCS we would count on a few columns about that, but since they didn't make it, "The Sports Guy" will ignore the sport. Stuff like this he does irritates me.

-Mike Celizic, otherwise infamously known as Hat Guy, thinks the Angels-Yankees series is the true World Series. There's a shock, Hat Guy not only has an East Coast Bias but doesn't give enough credit to the National League. He's never written an article that didn't talk about the Red Sox or Yankees when he talked about baseball anyway, so I don't know what I expect from him

Forget what the schedule says. The World Series does not start on Oct. 28. It starts on Friday when the Angels visit the Bronx to take on the Yankees in the ALCS.

If this sounds dismissive of the National League, it isn’t. There will still be a World Series regardless of who wins the ALCS.

No, that is pretty dismissive of the National league. Acknowledging a World Series will be played doesn't mean this comment isn't dismissive. Of course everything in Celizic's world revolves around two teams. I don't think he even knows the name of other MLB teams or what state the Rockies are located in.

Saying nothing that happens in the National League matters is dismissive of the league that won the World Series last year. Every time I hear someone say the Yankees are a lock to win the World Series I can't help but think back to 2001 and 2003. They were locks then too.

But if you’re looking for the series with the most buzz and the biggest chance of producing the kind of baseball you’ll remember forever, it’s Yankees-Angels.

Celizic's formula for success in the playoffs...

Memorable baseball + lots of buzz = World Series Champions.

Real life formula for success in the playoffs...

Good pitching + timely hitting = World Series Champions.

I wonder which formula seems to be more accurate for success in the World Series?

In their heart of hearts, the Yankees were hoping the Red Sox would again eliminate the Angels this year. They know they can beat Boston; it’s L.A. they’re not so sure of.

The Angels went 5-5 against the Yankees this year and the Red Sox went 9-9 against the Yankees this year. I don't know how the Yankees "know" they can beat Boston based on this season's record but they don't "know" they can beat the Angels when they have the same record, .500 against both teams. Maybe in Mike Celizic's hat loving imagination it is true the Yankees preferred the Angels over the Red Sox, but reality doesn't show the Yankees were hoping to face the Red Sox.

Celizic bases his entire idea the Yankees don't want to face the Angels on the fact they are 66-79 against the Angels since 1996. What he doesn't realize is that no one in the Yankees dugout even knows the Yankees record against the Angels in that period, so it probably doesn't matter at all. This is all he bases this assumption on who the Yankees would rather play on.

More than likely, if you buy Celizic's "the Yankees know their own history" theory, the Yankees would not want to play the Red Sox because the players on the team still have the memory of blowing 4 straight games to the Red Sox in the 2004 ALCS and they lost 7 straight games to the Red Sox at the beginning of this year.

It may be the ALCS on your schedule, but in the Bronx, it’s the World Series. If you want to watch the best that baseball can give you this fall, this is it.

The ALCS is the best that baseball can offer. Again, Celizic is not writing off the National League or being dismissive of them, it's just all downhill for good baseball after the Angels-Yankees series. That's all. No offense to the National League of course.

I personally would like to see a Phillies-Yankees World Series. I want to see Brad Lidge try to close a 2-1 game out in New York. It's is my Christmas wish for this year.

-Finally watched the "King's Ransom" "30 for 30" episode and I wasn't as down on it as others seemed to be. I taped the ESPN2 version which came after a college football game, so I missed about 1/4 of the episode, so I may have missed important stuff. ESPN needs to make sure they don't schedule the 30 for 30" shows after programs with indefinite end times. That would help them in my opinion.

The positives about the program: I liked the fact they got the participation of the players in the trade, they had footage in the limo after the Jones-Gretzky wedding because it was sort of neat to see that, the photography was pretty good though there was a lot of standing around by the people and sort of slow takes, and I overall liked Peter Berg interviewing Gretzky today about the trade. You can tell Gretzky regrets it.

The negatives about the program: The voiceover was a little goofy at times. I can think of a time when Gretzky was talking about how the city of Edmonton and he were devastated by the trade but they were showing footage of him arriving in LA. I wasn't sure if the purpose was to show the difference in fan reaction but it threw me off a little bit because you were not really sure if the fans cheering on the side of the road next to Gretzky's limo were in Edmonton or LA...and Gretzky was talking about how everyone was devastated. It was odd. I also would have hated the Edmonton Oilers if I were old enough to hate them at the time. I thought they focused too much on the greed of Pocklington but didn't focus quite enough on the fact they weren't going to be able to keep that team together regardless. The players on the team would want too much money. It was a dumb move but there should have been a better focus on the actual reasoning behind the trade, which was Edmonton is small market and they had big market players who needed new contracts. Again, dumb trade, but I would have liked to see this acknowledged more. It was also a lot like the HBO docs, despite what Bill Simmons says. They were very similar in tone and in form.

We'll see tonight if the second one is any good. f