Bill Simmons Channels His Inner Rick Reilly and Says the Clippers are Different Now, But Not Really

Bill Simmons amazes me. Bill's popularity amazes me actually. It doesn't amaze me because I think he doesn't/didn't have some sort of talent. It's you know what he is going to talk about in his columns. It's either a Boston-area team, the NBA, his NFL picks, or a mailbag. There's really not a ton of in-between. Look at his archive on Grantland for further proof. His pop culture references really aren't that funny or original, he doesn't really ever make any good relevant points backed by data when discussing a topic and it seems pretty clear he has no interest in writing as much anymore. He's popular now because he was popular a few years ago and people will always pay attention when he puts out new material.

So Bill has written a column about how the "new" Los Angeles Clippers aren't like the "old" Clippers. At least that's what I think it is about, because it sure seems like Bill believes there is still a dysfunctional franchise (possibly ownership/management?) in there somewhere. The cynic in me believes Bill is simply hedging in the column to where he can say he knew this was a different Clippers franchise if they make the NBA Finals or he can also point to this column as showing the "new" Clippers are like the "old" Clippers if they start to struggle in the future. He can blame the Clippers failures on Vinny Del Negro/Donald Sterling if/when it all goes wrong. That's just the cynic in me who believes this.

Also, I'm not sure if Bill is writing like Rick Reilly or Rick Reilly is writing like Bill Simmons but there is a lot of Reilly-like analogies in this column.

Bill spends much of this column testifying to the greatness of Chris Paul. I remember a short two years ago Bill Simmons made a couple of comments in a retro-diary about Rajon Rondo and how he was the best point guard alive. Let's review really quickly what Bill said and what I stated in response:

and Rondo has evolved into one of the 10 best players in the league.

I personally love Rondo, but he isn't one of the 10 best players in the league. No fucking way.

LeBron James
Kobe Bryant
Kevin Durant
Chris Paul (sorry, he doesn't lose the spot just because he is injured)
Carmelo Anthony
Dwayne Wade
Dirk Nowitzki
Brandon Roy
Steve Nash
Deron Williams

So maybe during the 2010 season Rajon Rondo was one of the Top 10 best players in the NBA. I still don't believe this is true, but we are all entitled to our own opinion and I can see how it can be argued he was among the Top 10 players that year.

8:22: Rondo (17 points, five assists so far) pulls off what can only be called "The Rondo" (drive into the lane, flip your right hand out like you're passing, cup the ball, keep it, make a running layup). Let the record show that Deron Williams kept the "Best Point Guard Alive" belt for about as long as the Iron Sheik kept the WWF title between Bob Backlund and Hulk Hogan. In a choose-up game, you're taking any other point guard before Rondo right now?

This was the season Chris Paul got injured and missed 45 game. Now, and even then, Rajon Rondo was not the best point guard alive. That person was Chris Paul then and is Chris Paul now. That's pretty much what I said at the time.

I would absolutely take Chris Paul over Rondo. Rondo is a great player, but until we throw 3 Hall of Fame players on the same team as Chris Paul it isn't a fair comparison. Yes, I know the "
Big 3" for Boston aren't Hall of Fame players right now, but they aren't playing terribly either.

Rondo starts beside Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Kendrick Perkins.

Chris Paul started beside Emeka Okafor, Julian Wright, David West, and Morris Peterson to start this year.

I'm not trying to prove that I am right or really smart. I am showing that Bill Simmons at one point proclaimed Rajon Rondo the best point guard alive and didn't even put Chris Paul in the discussion. Two short years later, it seems Bill has changed his mind, though of course he would never bring his whole "Rondo is the best point guard alive" comment up again. This has been removed completely from Bill's mind. Bill's ego can't handle the idea he isn't always right, especially since he prides himself on being an NBA expert. I just wanted to bring this "Rondo-best PG alive" comment back up before covering this slurp-job of Chris Paul.

Let's say your cousin took seven years to graduate college, bounced in and out of rehab a few times, married someone to keep her in the country (and then she stole money from him and disappeared), borrowed $50,000 to start a frozen-yogurt business that bankrupted him,

I'm going to stop this paragraph right there. This is one of Bill's typical overly-long analogies where he takes 4-5 sentences to make a point that can be made in 1-2 sentences. The Clippers have never appeared to have everything together into a good team and now they do appear to have finally put together a really good team. Bill just can't come out and say what he means. He has to use analogies to describe what he means.

Welcome to Clipper Nation, a place where baggage never stops piling up.

It seems Bill is going back to his roots in an effort to find his writing mojo. He had success circa 2002 by covering a cursed team who eventually got out of their funk to win a World Series and now it seems he is willing to hitch his star to the wagon of the Los Angeles Clippers. Bill isn't comfortable writing a column if he isn't whining about bad luck/poor management on behalf of a franchise. Bill has season tickets to Clippers games so it isn't shocking to see him trying to become the official voice of the Clippers fan, especially since so many Celtics fans despise and have rejected his attempts to become their voice.

It's almost like the NBA's version of Hoarders.

The first of many Rick Reilly-like analogies makes an appearance.

Actually, Keith showed up for Game 4 of the Clippers-Grizzlies series on Monday night, wearing his old jersey (no, really) and cheering on his old team as they pulled out a thrilling overtime victory. Supposedly, fans took pictures with him, high-fived him and didn't find this goofy at all. It's just part of the Clippers experience.

This was pretty cool. I have to say if George Zidek showed up at a New Orleans Hornets game in his Charlotte Hornets uniform the crowd would react the same way. Something like this is just part of the fan experience and probably isn't exclusive to the Clippers, no matter how much Bill wants us to pretend it is. If a fairly obscure player shows up to a game in his uniform, I would think the crowd would react much in the same way the Clippers crowd did.

the Clippers have been juggling identities like a rejected superhero from The Avengers.

Another Rick Reilly-like analogy, which also happens to be a relevant pop culture reference. Double whammy here.

I'm not entirely sure this analogy makes sense. Why would a rejected superhero from "The Avengers" juggle his identities? Wouldn't the rejected superhero simply have one identity, but was rejected for that specific identity?

Which identity would prevail? The Clippers started out 19-9, then unhinged after blowing an impressive victory over San Antonio in the most unlikely way: As Paul fetched an inbounds pass to dribble out the clock, he lost his balance and improbably threw the ball right to San Antonio's Gary Neal … who even more improbably sank the game-tying 3 in a sports-movie ending that any producer would have rejected.

And Bill knows a producer would reject this script because Bill lives in California, knows movie producers and actually tried to pitch this script to one of these movie producers. I mean, he also knows tons more of movie producers and movie stars too that he didn't even pitch the script to. Bill knows people.

If you remember, Sterling hired Del Negro for a decidedly Clipperish reason: The Bulls were covering half of Del Negro's salary last season, which meant Sterling only had to pay for half a coach. You get what you pay for, whether it's a recycled coach, a hooker or a slum building … and reportedly, Sterling has paid for all three.

But has he tried the Theron?

But that's beside the point. Del Negro survived March for a decidedly Clipperish reason: It was simply too late to find a decent replacement.

This seems to be a theme that runs throughout this column. Bill tells us how much different these Clippers are, while also telling us how much of the same these Clippers are in terms of coaching and management. It seems he feels they are different, except they aren't.

The Clippers lead Memphis 3-1 in the series; all three wins came down to the final minute; all three wins happened because Paul controls the final minutes of tight games better than anyone. He's incredible. That's the only word that applies.

Does Paul control the final minutes of tight games better than the NBA's best point guard, Rajon Rondo?

It's not just the plays themselves, or his innate ability to make the correct decision nearly every time, but the way he carries himself as it happens.

Not to be picky, but if Chris Paul makes the correct decision every time then how do we explain the earlier story Bill told us about Paul falling out of bounds trying to dribble out the clock and throwing the basketball right to the Spurs' Gary Neal who tied the game? So he doesn't make the correct decision every time then does he? The best way to lose a relevant point is to over-hyperbolize and overstate reality, which Bill clearly does here.

There was a remarkable moment in Game 4 — last play of regulation, tie game, Chris looking for the winning shot against Tony Allen (one of the league's best defenders) — when everyone stood and cheered and expected Chris to take care of business, only he waited a second too long, rushed his hesitation move, got throttled by Allen and ran out of time.

So again, while giving Chris Paul this tongue-bath perhaps Bill should recognize he is human after all. As great as Paul is, he doesn't make the correct decision at the end of the game every time. I dislike hyperbole being used to make a player seem better than he truly is. It's my weakness.

Full disclosure: I attended just enough Clippers games this season to know when Paul gets "The Look."

Fuller disclosure: You don't have to attend Clippers games to know when Chris Paul gets "The Look."

Fullest disclosure: Basketball fans have been watching Chris Paul for the least decade and know when he gets "The Look." Paul didn't just start playing basketball during the 11-12 season.

Even fullest disclosure: Bill's point of view on Paul is shaded by the fact he believes nothing of significance occurs in the universe if he isn't there to experience it. Hurricane Katrina? That was just a bunch of wind with some water. You should have seen the storm outside Bill's dorm at Holy Cross in the Spring of 1992. So in Bill's mind Chris Paul never picked up a basketball until this past season, but now he is the best point guard in the NBA and has a "look" which only those who have watched Paul this year can fully comprehend. Notice how super-huge NBA fan Bill never seemed to notice this "look" before this season even though Paul has been in the NBA since 2005. Kind of weird, huh? One could think Bill not seeing this "look" prior to this season is because Bill had not seen Chris Paul play in person until this year, but I'm pretty sure that thinking would be bullshit.

It's not rocket science.

And yet, Bill attaches his having attended enough Clippers games to notice the presence of this "look" as verification that he is capable of seeing this "look." Those who haven't attended enough Clippers games will never see this "look." Unless you watched Paul play in high school, college or with the New Orleans Hornets, of course.

He starts doing his old-man walk — when he sticks his ass out and stomps around violently, almost like he's annoyed that someone pushed him to this place — and starts

punching the opposing players in the testicles as he is prone to do?

I swear this is true — even the officials fall in line when Chris has The Look. They suck up to him. When he yells at them about a missed call, they react the same way Obama's staff would react if the POTUS was pissed off. I'm sorry, Mr. Paul. You're right, I DID miss the call. You're making some great points. I'll try to do better, I promise.

Bill swears that officials apologize to Chris Paul when they miss a call and start sucking up to him? This happens on a regular basis? Really? Perhaps the officials are simply afraid Paul will punch them in the testicles.

Look, Clippers fans have been appropriately scarred over the years. They fully expected that stupid Kia to cripple Blake in the Slam Dunk Contest, just like they wouldn't be shocked if the video scoreboard fell on Chris right as he was dribbling out the clock in Game 7 of the Finals.

And we go right back to Bill's comfortable zone of "Team A is so tortured, and because I speak for the entire fan base, here is whatever every single fan of Team A is thinking." I know this has driven Celtics, Patriots and Red Sox fans crazy for a while. Bill's attempts to "speak like a fan" about his favorite teams seems to have slowly evolved into Bill "speaking like the fan base" of his favorite teams. What once was the readers agreeing and nodding their head to what Bill says about a certain team because he's a member of the fan base, has over time become fans disagreeing and shaking their heads at what Bill says because he seems convinced he represents the views of the fan base.

These last two home games, I found myself mildly frightened by their unwavering optimism — almost like watching a buddy fall a little too hard for a stripper or something.

Which is something I know we can all relate to, as long as our friend is named "Barney" and we are a part of a television show called "How I Met Your Mother."

They wore matching red T-shirts, cheered loudly from start to finish, jumped to their feet after every big play, started unprovoked "Let's Go Clippers" chants and basically acted like college kids. Like three decades of frustration had boiled over and turned into something else.

Here is the presence of another Bill Simmons cliche, which is the "the crowd is all cheering in unison attempting to achieve a universal goal as if directly out of a movie" moment. I'm pretty sure Bill sees these moments even if they don't necessarily happen.

Clipper games have a history of being infiltrated by opposing fans; during Celtics, Bulls and Lakers games this season, at least 35 percent of the crowd was rooting for the visiting team. That didn't happen in Round 1 because, you know, it's Memphis.

What I believe Bill fails to see with his "you know, it's Memphis" view on why it was mostly Clippers fans in the crowd for this game are two things:

1. It is a playoff game. The Clippers don't often play the Lakers, Celtics or Bulls in the playoffs. Fans of a team tend to show up more often and sell their tickets to the opposing team's fans less for playoff games when compared to regular season games. So I would expect the crowd to be more Clipper fan heavy.

2. Don't be hard on Memphis fans for not having a ton of fans in Los Angeles for games. The Grizzlies have had a franchise in Memphis since 2001. It takes a bit longer than a decade to gain enough of a fan base to where Grizzlies fans are spread across the country.

A quick story about how optimistic Clippers fans were heading into this season: I sit in a section of "Eighty-Four" accounts, the sales staff's nickname for any season-ticket holder since the 1984-85 season (when the Clippers moved to L.A. from San Diego).

I love anecdotal evidence that supports how Bill is going to speak for the optimism of the entire Clippers fan base!

These fans have seen everything — they're like an emotionally scarred cross between the camp counselors at Crystal Lake and the police department in Haddonfield.

Another Rick Reilly-like analogy. Or is it a Bill Simmons-like analogy?

I gave her a dollar and guessed high: 41 wins. She laughed.

"You're not the first one who picked 41," she said.

Uh-oh. You never want the words "high expectations" and "Clippers" in the same sentence.

Good thing Bill can use the high expectations for the Clippers as anecdotal evidence this Clippers team was destined for great things this season...unless they don't achieve these great things, in which case this is just another case of a fan base tortured by a team. If that's the case, be prepared for Bill to write at least five more columns this calendar year about the Clippers and how tortured their fan base can be. There isn't a tortured fan base bandwagon in sports Bill doesn't have his eye set upon joining.

If the Los Angeles basketball scene was ever flipping, couldn't it only happen after a seminal, double franchise-altering moment like "The Veto?" Lob City debuted on December 30 in front of an enthusiastic sellout crowd.

You couldn't screw this moment up. It was impossible.

Well, unless you're the Clippers.

Now begins another looooooooong story about how the Clippers screwed this moment up. So you don't have to read Bill's long summary, he is what happened:

-The cheerleaders just stood on the court waiting on a cue that never came and the video screen on the scoreboard kept skipping. It was awkward.

-The video did start at some point and the video was terrible. It wasn't classy like the Celtics video of the players screaming into the camera or classy like the dozens of other classy and awesome introductions NBA teams have. This was a terrible introduction and there was a Vinny Del Negro joke made by Bill. This beat the life out of the crowd. There was a gnashing of teeth and weeping among the masses.

-The Clippers players jogged out one at a time and three of the first four players were injured and moved slowly. This was amusing.

-The public address announcer called Mo Williams "Chauncey Billups." They are not the same person.

When the lights finally (and mercifully) went back on, everyone was laughing and shaking their heads — the same way you'd laugh when that same aforementioned black-sheep cousin makes an inappropriate joke at Christmas dinner, and nobody even gets pissed off because he's your idiot black-sheep cousin and he's been doing those things for his entire life.

EVERYONE was laughing and shaking their head. Everyone was doing this. No exceptions. If you were there, which Bill was, you would know this.

These are the same Clippers fans who were just eternally optimistic and had a different air about them for this season. I guess this air of optimism comes and goes depending on what point Bill wants to prove. Or maybe the optimism only extends to the Clippers performance on the court and doesn't have anything to do with pregame introductions.

Chris expected the Clippers to contend for an NBA title because he was Chris Paul, one of the best eight players on the planet,

In 2010, Paul wasn't the best point guard in the NBA because he had the audacity to be injured.

Less than three months later, his bravado seemed a little foolish. The Clippers were bumbling their way out of the playoffs. At the time, I made the mistake of mentioning that to Jimmy Kimmel (a Lakers fan).

I only bring this part of the column up because usually if a person isn't famous or a celebrity, Bill doesn't say his friend's name. An exception are Bill's life-long friends he has talked about since he was known as "The Boston Sports Guy." You know House, Shiff, Biff, Glo-Jo...ok, I don't remember their names. If Bill is quoting, emailing or mentioning a person who is a celebrity, he is sure to name-drop that celebrity. He has to let us know that he knows celebrities. Bill writes the name of the celebrity friend of his rather than say something like "a friend who is a Lakers fan" but only if the friend of his is a celebrity. Otherwise, it's just an anonymous friend who isn't worthy of name-dropping. Here are two examples from this column:

As a friend e-mailed me a few seconds later, "Biggest home moment in history and they couldn't even get that right. I love the Clippers."

At halftime on Monday, a friend of mine (a Lakers fan) said to me, "I didn't know Clippers fans had it in them."

These people are spoken of as mere friends of his, but when it is a celebrity like Jimmy Kimmel, Bill is sure to name-drop. I know this doesn't irritate his SimmonsClones, but it annoys me. Name-dropping and starfucking are two of Bill's favorite hobbies. He does this all the time.

You might not remember this; you may have blocked it out of your mind. I know Clippers fans have. But during another hopeless season last year, the Clippers dumped Baron Davis's contract on Cleveland for Mo Williams and stupidly gave the Cavs an unprotected first-round pick for their troubles.

Thank God that Bill is here to remind us of these things.

In an alternate universe where the trade didn't happen (think Lost), a nucleus of Irving, Griffin and Eric Gordon would have rivaled any under-27 nucleus in basketball except for Oklahoma City.

True, but this also sort of destroys Bill's "Chris Paul took a good team and made them into a great team" narrative. Is a nucleus of Gordon (who was injured for most of this season), Gordon, and Griffin better than the current Clippers team? I would say in the long-term quite possibly, but not in the short-term. So Bill's "what-if" scenario would also have caused the current Clippers playoff run to never occur. As much as I love Kyrie Irving, Chris Paul is a much better point guard right now, so a Chris Paul-led team would be a better team during the 2011-2012 season. So while I do see where Bill is coming from, in the alternate universe drafting Kyrie Irving would have meant not trading for Chris Paul and this article never gets written.

And if you think Clippers fans weren't obsessing over this fact in mid-March, you're crazy.

I must be crazy then because I don't know if Clippers fans were obsessing over this in mid-March. What do I know though? I don't have my finger on the pulse of every fan base like Bill Simmons does.

And maybe assigning too much blame to basketball coaches is one of my default weaknesses, right up there with accidentally swearing in front of little kids and forgetting to purchase gifts until the last possible minute. But trust me, Vinny was missing basic things.

"Sure I have a habit of blaming the head coach for nearly anything that goes wrong with a team, but this time I'm really correct in doing so. Just like I was correct in doing so the previous time and the time before that. In fact, I have no faults, what the hell am I talking about?"

Vinny made those head-scratching moves all season, to the point that the 2012 Clippers could have been sponsored by Head & Shoulders.

Another Rick Reilly-like analogy. They are all through this article, more so than usual. I can't help but wonder if ESPN is having Rick ghost-write parts of Bill's articles in an effort to make sure they get all of their money's worth out of Rick before his contract is up.

Before Chauncey got hurt, even Chris Paul (a dominant personality and alpha dog in every sense) deferred to Chauncey to maddening degrees.

Sure, Chauncey, I'll play off the ball for a few plays, I'm only the best pure point guard in 20 years.

Except for 2010 of course, when Rajon Rondo was the best point guard on the planet. In Bill's defense he did not specify which planet, so maybe he believes Rondo is the best point guard on Mars or Neptune.

Remember, a basketball team follows the lead of its coach and its best players. They have to be in synch or everything falls apart like it's the end of a Jenga commercial.

Rick Reilly ghost-writer strikes again. Reilly keeps popping up at random times like a case of herpes. Amirightorwhat?

That's why Miami ebbs and flows depending on the moment — because their best player (and the league's best player, by far) can't totally decide what he wants to be.

Here in about a month he is going to decide he wants to be an NBA Champion, which he will have achieved by winning the NBA Title. Bill better get his shots in while he can...unless LeBron goes 6-for-24 in the title clinching game, at which point it is clear he sucks as a basketball player and a human being. LeBron going 6-for-24 would cause Bill to put an asterisk beside the Heat's 2012 NBA Title.

Then Bill fawns over Chris Paul for doing the things he's been doing in New Orleans since 2005, just without Blake Griffin on the other end of his passes.

It's one thing to run your team's offense, catch fire at the right times, score 36 points, make every dagger shot, defend the best player on the other team and win a crucial game. It's another thing to do it when you got dressed that night thinking to yourself, Unless I play great tonight, we're going to lose. That's why Game 2 immediately went into the "Paul Pierce's Greatest Hits" collection.

Come on, like Bill was going an entire column without mentioning Paul Pierce's Game 2 performance in the win over the Hawks.

Anyway, if you watched Chris Paul in New Orleans, you know two things: He shifted to a higher gear in the playoffs, and he leaned heavily on teammate David West in big moments. Together, they figured out every hairy situation.

There will come a time when Griffin assumes that partner-in-crime role for the Clippers, but he's just not ready yet.

But he's really good at dunking! He's on SportsCenter a lot, doesn't this mean he is one of the best players in the NBA?

For now, it's Chris and Chris only. He's fine with that. Actually, he couldn't be more fine with that. He wants it that way.

I got this.

Keep saying it, Chris. You might as well be talking about the whole franchise.

Sounds like Bill has a man-crush. If the Celtics get swept by the Heat and don't spend enough money this offseason, do you think Bill becomes a basketball widow then joins the Clippers bandwagon?