5 comments Bill Simmons Is Still Mailing In Retro-Diaries

I saw that Bill Simmons posted ANOTHER retro-diary a few days ago and knew I had to post something about it. This retro-diary further made me suspicious that he was leaving ESPN when his contract ran out this year and he was just mailing in columns at this point. Apparently that's not true. So I guess Bill is just tired of writing good columns and feels like rehashing his Twitter jokes and using hindsight to do a live blog after a basketball game was played. Is there a more pointless exercise than to live blog a game that has already happened? No, there is not. It is basically openly saying, "I know I am clever and I compel you to listen to me make jokes about a game we already know the outcome to. I am pretty damn clever aren't I?"

Check out Bill's archive. There are a lot of retro-diaries and accounts of games that have already happened in there. I feel like Bill is having a real shortage of ideas for the 1-2 columns per week he writes. A couple retro-diaries are no big deal, but it is becoming a habit for him. I guess he knows his SimmonsClones will eat up anything he writes, so why think of a great original idea when you can just do a retro-diary and they will idolize you just the same?

I missed the second half of Tuesday's Magic-Celtics game because I had to attend a dinner event for my daughter's school.

This was the first sentence to this "column." For a guy who loves privacy and tries to keep his family life as secretive as possible, Bill sure does talk about his wife and two kids a hell of a lot in his columns. Someone is going to pull a KSK on Simmons one day and he is going to get really pissed off about it. If you are a public figure and want people to leave your family alone, don't mention said family in nearly every single column, because it draws a certain amount of interest to your family. It's a pretty simple principle.

Anyway, Bill goes on and tells a story for about a 1/10 of this retro-diary about his family and this isn't the first time lately he has done this. It's already bad enough that Bill's wife is a trending topic at times on Google because SimmonsClones are desperately doing an internet search on her name to get a picture for God knows what purposes. One of the biggest things about Bill that has annoyed me over the last 4-5 years is him putting his family in his columns repeatedly, yet I also know he tries to keep his family life and private. It doesn't work both ways and I am afraid one day he will figure it out in a way he won't like.

There are two choices for such a conundrum:

1. Ignore your Blackberry completely, fight off following any road that might lead you to finding out the score, avoid any televisions, avoid anyone else who's looking at a Blackberry. Sounds great on paper. Never actually works. There's always someone who screws it up.

2. Ignore your Blackberry as much as you can, furtively check it every few minutes, and whenever your wife catches you, explain, "I just wanted to make sure the babysitter didn't text us." This definitely doesn't work, and if anything, it might make your wife angry.

Actually, there are three choices. The third choice is give your phone to your wife or have your wife bring her phone and leave yours at home. Or don't have a Blackberry with Internet on it. Or don't call your cell phone by it's brand name just to let everyone know you have a Blackberry.

But here's where it's good to be me. See, I write about sports for a living.

In such a disconnected, "yeah, sort of" way does Bill Simmons write about sports. Mostly he writes about Boston-area teams and other events that may affect a Boston-area team.

Still, you can't milk it. You have to pick your spots. Which is why I love my son (aka the CEO) for what happened Tuesday night.

Yes, this is an inside joke from a different column when Bill was talking about his son and had given him a nickname. There are now inside jokes involved with Bill's family that he throws into his columns. This is a lot of family talk and I can't imagine even the SimmonsClones enjoy it too much.

You may ask, "but why does Bill call his son the CEO?"

I will tell you. Because his son wakes up early in the morning and then begins demanding things Bill and his wife have to give him because he is young and thinks he is in charge...because he IS in charge! Bill's son is the ONLY child under the age of 3 years old that does this. Most other young children sleep soundly in their bed until 9:30am, wake up and go for a light jog, and then sit down and watch some "Dr. Phil." Not Bill's son. He is the CEO! He wakes up and immediately wants to be fed (the outrage!), THEN his son demands a certain television program and they have to give it to him or he will throw a fit. Yes, Bill's child throws a fit! Who could ever see this happening when a 2-3 year old doesn't get what he/she wants? Thereby, Bill's child is known as the CEO.

I'm going to skip the story from this retro-diary that no one but Bill and his immediate family care about, but I will spoil the ending. His son has the flu and threw up everywhere so Bill got to check his Blackberry more often as if he was checking to see if the babysitter texted him. If only the Sports Gal was literate and could read this column. BILL WOULD BE SO BUSTED!

(Here at BotB, I don't take shots at sportswriter's families, but constantly talking about your family makes it hard for me to stick to this principle)

So just for the hell of it, let's retro-diary the second half -- the night that Orlando's season fell apart and we inched significantly closer to Celtics-Lakers XI: This Time It's For Blood.

Which as we know is the only NBA Finals anyone in America gives a shit about. Are there even other NBA teams?

10:20 remaining, third quarter (tied at 55): Missed three by Vince Carter, long rebound to Paul Pierce ... and Dwight Howard stupidly swipes at the ball for his fourth foul. We're about 25 more of those away from Stan Van Gundy just keeling over like Tommy Boy's dad during the wedding dance scene.

Pop culture reference!

Do you know why Orlando can't beat the Celtics? It's because they built their team improperly, at least in my mind. They traded for a small forward who doesn't want to drive to the basket, even though he should, a center that is too busy blocking shots out of bounds (and giving the opposing team another possession) and looking at his muscles to focus on the fact he has a limited offensive game, and they have a bunch of three-point shooters who can't create their own shot very well.

It's a flawed team and while the Magic can still beat the Celtics, they lack one or two guys on that team who can get the tough rebound or aren't afraid to take a big shot. Vince Carter doesn't want to take a big shot (he takes it, but you know he doesn't want to) and the Magic don't even try to get Dwight Howard the ball often times late in games.

Now? The forwards are a wash; Wallace gives Boston 12 fouls to use on Howard instead of six;

Everyone remember Bill's column a few months ago about Wallace that was well-thought out, but also the ramblings of a homer who is bitter towards his team? Yeah, forget that, Wallace is just fine now. Bill takes some half-hearted shots at Wallace, but they are cool now.

and Rondo has evolved into one of the 10 best players in the league.

I personally love Rondo, but he isn't one of the 10 best players in the league. No fucking way.

LeBron James
Kobe Bryant
Kevin Durant
Chris Paul (sorry, he doesn't lose the spot just because he is injured)
Carmelo Anthony
Dwayne Wade
Dirk Nowitzki
Brandon Roy
Steve Nash
Deron Williams

Rondo is a great fit for these Celtics, but he doesn't have a great jump shot and still makes too many careless passes for me.

8:22: Rondo (17 points, five assists so far) pulls off what can only be called "The Rondo" (drive into the lane, flip your right hand out like you're passing, cup the ball, keep it, make a running layup). Let the record show that Deron Williams kept the "Best Point Guard Alive" belt for about as long as the Iron Sheik kept the WWF title between Bob Backlund and Hulk Hogan. In a choose-up game, you're taking any other point guard before Rondo right now?

I would absolutely take Chris Paul over Rondo. Rondo is a great player, but until we throw 3 Hall of Fame players on the same team as Chris Paul it isn't a fair comparison. Yes, I know the "
Big 3" for Boston aren't Hall of Fame players right now, but they aren't playing terribly either.

Rondo starts beside Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Kendrick Perkins.

Chris Paul started beside Emeka Okafor, Julian Wright, David West, and Morris Peterson to start this year.

7:15: After Garnett's jumper puts Boston up by five, Vince Carter (12 points, 3-for-10 shooting so far) explicably collapses while running down the floor. (I say explicably because it's always explicable when Vince Carter decides to fall down in a heap. It's not like anyone would ever say, "My God, what just happened! Vince Carter fell down!")

One of my best friends loves Vince Carter and I don't. It used to get somewhat heated when he discussed Carter, but we don't talk about it anymore. Let's say Vince Carter can be a dividing issue in the Carolinas. Vince Carter is a disappointment and he always will be to me. He loves the fade-away jumper and he isn't tough enough for my liking.

Quick Vince Carter story: Everyone remembers Game 7 of the 2001 series when Carter was playing for the Raptors against the 76ers. I would assume most people remember this. Carter graduated from college that day and he went to his graduation, setting about a flurry of people who criticized him for this. Carter says he graduated and then immediately caught a plane to Philadelphia to get ready for the game. I went to law school for one year and there were multiple people who were in the same graduation class as Carter at UNC and three of them had pictures of themselves after graduation with Carter smiling and having a good time after graduation. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, except this was after graduation when Carter should have been on his way to Philadelphia. That's just three people I know who had pictures taken with him and I don't know that many people. I don't think he jumped on that plane quite as quickly as he claims.

5:59: Down six, Vince heroically returns to the game (Mike Breen: "Sigh of relief from the Magic fans") while of course massaging his left wrist to remind everyone that, "Hey, if I suck for the rest of this game, just remember, I'm hurt." This is why he's Vince Carter.

After Carter missed those two free throws at the end of the game, he went and punched a chair and then looked at his hand briefly as if to say, "why didn't you clutch your hand while you were shooting those foul shots to give yourself an excuse? Remember that for next time."

Ok, no more Carter bashing I promise. Why doesn't he drive to the basket as much as he should though? Why do I try to have an open mind about him and he just proves consistently I shouldn't? If I could answer these questions I might lay off him.

(Note: This is why ESPN could never make me the third announcer of a three-man NBA booth,

That and the fact Bill's voice would drive away viewers, as well as his mere presence in the booth would cause me to rupture an artery.

we now know the blueprint for beating the 2009-10 Magic: defend Howard one-on-one (and use your fouls on him), stay home on the 3-point shooters and dare their perimeter guys to beat people off the dribble.

Otherwise known as, "the formula for beating nearly every single Duke University men's basketball team since the year 2000."

3:15: Jameer Nelson sinks a 3-pointer (Orlando's first field goal in six-plus minutes) to cut it to seven. Doc Rivers quickly calls a preemptive timeout before the crowd gets going. Smart.

This is one of my problems with this stupid retro-diary. The Magic had hit one field goal in the last six minutes, what are the odds this means they will get red-hot at this point? Is this really worth taking a timeout? Probably not. Normally calling a timeout here would seem a bit of a panic move by Rivers and if the Celtics were one timeout short at the end of the game, we would remember this useless timeout call...but the Celtics won the game and it doesn't matter, so in this retro-diary it goes down as a smart move.

3:15: Joke I would have made if I were writing this diary in real time: "Could somebody go to Google Maps and print out directions to the Eastern Conference finals for Rashard Lewis?"

Joke Bill Simmons made on Twitter:

Could somebody go to Mapquest and print out directions to the Eastern Conference Finals for Rashard Lewis?
1:23 AM May 19th via UberTwitter

Booooooooooo!!!!!! Exact repeat jokes stink.

I'd like to thank Stan Van Gundy for avoiding his best lineup for this particular series: Nelson, J.J. Redick (who does a nice job following Ray Allen through screens), Lewis (whose length would bother Pierce defensively), Gortat and Howard (for a little Twin Towers action).

We all know I hate agreeing with Bill Simmons, but he is exactly right about this. This lineup could compete best with the Celtics lineup. People thought I was crazy when I said J.J. Redick would actually be a decent NBA player because he plays defense and can shoot. It took a few more years than I expected, but we're at that point.

For a third Duke reference in this post, I feel the same way about Jon Scheyer. He'll never start for a team, but he is crafty driving to the basket and can play defense better than you would think.

(Note to Lewis: It's only going to get worse when the series shifts back to Boston. Let's just say your 10-game suspension may inspire a tweet or two at twitter.com/celticschants this weekend.)

I am torn on what to think about Bill's CelticsChants Twitter account he set up. While it is a creative idea (even though it has been done before, just not on Twitter), it seems more like a chance to massage Bill's ego and let him hear the crowd at a Celtics game chant things he has created. It just feels like one big ego trip to me, but I honestly do like the idea.

1:02: Spinning, herky-jerky, foul-line jumper from Pierce (26 points so far). Too easy. Celtics by nine. Lewis answers with a 3. Big Baby answers by finishing a pretty pass by Pierce. Howard (23 points so far) hits two free throws. Rondo hits an end-of-the-quarter jumper. End of the third: Boston 78, Orlando 70.

How the hell is this enjoyable for anyone to read? It's like watching a game narrated on tape. Is it fun to read an account of a game AFTER the game has been played? I say "no." God, I hate retro-diaries, they serve no purpose other than to give a columnist out of ideas something to write about.

Isn't it interesting that this year's happy-go-lucky playoff teams -- Cleveland and Orlando, both known for having fun in pregame warm-ups, organizing funky dances and laughing/strutting with big leads -- suddenly got that collective deer-in-the-headlights look as soon as someone punched them in the collective mouth?

Remember Bill talking about the 2008 Celtics and how much they liked each other and how they were having fun? Ubuntu and all that crap? It's funny how Bill changes his opinion on whether a team is a better team based on whether that team is successful or not. Maybe they didn't pose for fake pictures or anything, but for his Celtics, having fun on the court was a sign the team was cohesive and enjoyed playing with each other. For other teams who aren't successful, this is a sign the team isn't taking the game seriously enough.

Look, I love chemistry as much as the next guy, but if we've learned anything this spring, it's that the "look how much fun we're having!" routine doesn't fly in May and June. At some point, you have to suck it up, stay focused, bang bodies and make plays.

It also helps when that team is successful to be able to judge that team one way or another. No matter the chemistry, a team has to prove it on the court at some point. LeBron James is usually the ringleader of what the Cavs do and he tends to show up in the playoffs, so it may actually be a question of how good his teammates around him are overall.

A few seconds later, there's a TV timeout and we see Pierce and Rondo walking toward the bench ... with Pierce's arm draped around Rondo's shoulder like a big brother. That's been the biggest change this season. It took the veterans six solid months to accept that (A) this was now Rondo's team, and (B) they were along for the ride.

I would say that Paul Pierce singlehandedly gave the Celtics the lead in Game 2 and I won't give Rondo too much respect as one of the best players in the NBA until I see a defender guard him when he is 17 feet away from the basket. His jumper has improved, but it is still in a work-in-progress. Rondo is a great player, but I still believe Garnett, Allen, and Pierce aren't just along for the ride.

Pierce, Allen and Garnett can't bring it every night. The Celtics can always get a big game from one of them, and if they get two of them going, they're unstoppable. But Rondo is the constant. It's his team now. If you want to go deeper, one reason they struggle down the stretch is because Rondo (a poor free throw shooter) doesn't want to get fouled, so he plays the last four minutes a little differently than the first 44.

Whatever, I would like to see how good Rondo would be as the best player on a team. I don't know how that would go. My guess is not very well. Bill's the expert though right?

That was fast. By the way, where did this Orlando crowd come from? There are 16,000 people at this game? Since when???

No fan base cheers as loudly as the Celtics fan base does. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

3:36: Text from my dad during this timeout: "Magic up by 1 -- bad last 3 minutes again." I'm just proud that my 62-year-old father can text me with crucial updates during basketball games.

I'm just glad we got an update on what Bill's dad thinks. My life is now complete. (Bengoodfella dies)

3:07: After a Celtics miss (good D by Orlando), the Magic clear out for Vince, who goes left, thinks about going to the rim, decides against it and settles for an awful fadeaway 10-footer.

TVC= Typical Vince Carter

(This goes back to the whole, "If you knock down Vince a few times, he'll stop going to the rim and settle for jumpers" argument that I've been making all playoffs.

Right. Bill Simmons has been making this argument and quite possibly believes he originated this argument. Let me be the 1,000th person to say this has been a stigma on Vince Carter since he got to the NBA and possibly follows him back to college as well. Bill Simmons did not create this argument as much as he might believe he did. If Carter had a killer instinct and didn't enjoy his jump shot as much as he does, I really believe he is a Top 50 all-time NBA player. It won't happen. Either way, Bill Simmons didn't create this knock on Carter.

Down three, season effectively on the line, less than two minutes remaining ... where do they go? Last year, they would have run a high screen with Hedo and Howard.

Here's a clue...not to Dwight Howard. That's where the ball doesn't go.

I just have a hard time believing Howard is a Top 10 NBA player when the players who get the shot in crunch time for the Magic during his tenure are Hedo Turokglu, Jameer Nelson, Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter. They are great players, but if Howard is that great of a player he wants and demands the ball at this point in the game to get on the foul line or make a basket...but he is ultimately content to just sit back.

Now, look at the 2010 Magic. We'll give them a pass on Game 1 -- rusty, lethargic, it happens. But Game 2? Howard didn't touch the ball in the final four minutes.

Dwight Howard and his defenders here don't seem to have too much ammunition. Does Tim Duncan go 4 minutes in a close game without touching the ball and did Shaq have this lack of touches down the stretch of a game happen to him? Even for better or worse, Patrick Ewing touched the ball down the stretch of a game for the Knicks. Howard just isn't a Top 10 player in my mind and I even question sometimes if he is a Top 20 player.

The Celtics showed up for the 2010 Eastern Conference finals on Sunday afternoon. We're still waiting for the Magic.

I hate retro-diaries. They are simply accounts of a game that has already been played with a few jokes thrown in to break up the monotony of it all.

I still say Rondo isn't one of the Top 10 players in the NBA right now.