5 comments MMQB Review: Well, It Seems Peter King Has Free Agency All Figured Out Edition

We currently have 8 teams in our BotB Fantasy Baseball League and I'd like to have two more. If anyone wants to join then the ID is 69631 and the password is "eckstein."

Peter talked about Johnny Manziel and the n-word again last week in MMQB. It's hard to find topics to talk about in the doldrums of the NFL season before the NFL draft speculation heats up, but rather than shorten his MMQB and cut his personal thoughts, Peter decides that he would not cut out the very essence of what MMQB is really about...Peter himself. Because what could be more important than to know Peter's thoughts about the Oscars? This week Peter gives us a primer on free agency as well as hopefully tell us each player's mood when they accept their free agent deal (Golden Tate will demand a five year deal, while Mike Vick will reluctantly submit to only $4 million guaranteed), then Peter gives us a primer on free agency on the first page, talks a little bit about free agency for one page (oh yeah, that's all he talks about this week) and finally spends the majority of MMQB with what the people really want which are Peter's favorite quotes of the week and his own personal thoughts. After all, MMQB is about Peter and not about the NFL.

Ten things you should know about the NFL’s 22nd annual free market, which kicks off Tuesday at 4 p.m. (but which is already in full swing because of legal and illegal tampering):

Let's get this NFL-related stuff out of the way so Peter can talk about the more important things like his trip to England, warning about the dangers of caffeine, and imploring as many people as possible to go see "Gravity."

1. Cornerbacks are this year’s quarterbacks. When a pedestrian corner like Sam Shields of Green Bay gets four years and $39 million ($9.75 million a year for Sam Shields!), significantly better players at a vital position had their bargaining postures strengthened mightily. Specifically, Alterraun Verner, Vontae Davis, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and Aqib Talib will be in the $8-million-plus neighborhood annually. Then there’s Tarell Brown of the 49ers on the next level, and Peanut Tillman and Captain Munnerlyn on the next (Tillman because of age). That’s seven quality starters, some better, on the hook.

Captain Munnerlyn isn't really a quality NFL starter. He's good, but really not great. He's a hell of a third cornerback and probably a borderline starter on a good day. He does tend to get pick-6's quite often, which is fortuitous, but he's better used as a joker-type corner that can blitz off the edge and in the slot. He's also like 5'5" and struggles to stick to bigger receivers. That's just my opinion of course after watching him his entire NFL career.

The Giants are pursuing Verner, but I can’t see them paying $10 million a year. Washington and New England want Talib; Washington might be more desperate to make a free-agent strike, and the Patriots won’t overpay.

Good, glad that's set. With the Top 10 of the NFL Draft already set, there's no much mystery left in this offseason anymore! Best just talk about England and any good movies Peter has seen lately.

2. Tackles will be paid. Ryan Tannehill, meet Brandon Albert. The Dolphins’ new left tackle is expected to be the laid-back Albert. Miami’s expected to blow the opposition out of the water again (remember Mike Wallace and his $13 million average that shocked the NFL last year?) with a deal averaging around $10-11 million. 

As always, the Dolphins appear to completely know what they are doing. Credit to them, they find a need they have and then go fill it. No credit to them, they often spend a lot of money to fill this need, and the organization seems to be a disaster.

That likely leaves Jared Veldheer to jump from Oakland to Arizona, and the Raiders to scramble on the rebound and do a deal with Rodger Saffold, who has missed 17 games due to injury in his four seasons with the Rams. 

There's no drama involved with this, Peter knows exactly what's going to be happening, huh? And Peter can't make it more clear than this, but Jeff Fisher and the Rams had nothing to do with Roger Saffold being injured over the past four seasons. It was the old regime that messed up with Saffold. The Rams are definitely turning it around very soon, so Jeff Fisher will lead the Rams to a winning record soon. Just be patient for another few years. Fisher will have a winning season soon, followed by a few seasons of 7-9 or 8-8.

3. Baltimore could get very lucky. The biggest beneficiary of the high-stakes left-tackle poker: the Ravens. They could get the player they’ve wanted to keep all along, Eugene Monroe, whom they acquired for two fourth-round picks in a mid-year trade with Jacksonville. Monroe is the consensus fourth man on the list for the other teams desperate for a left tackle. Tampa Bay, or a latecomer to the party, could settle for the unknown tackle with promise, Anthony Collins of the Bengals.

If the Ravens had just kept Anquan Boldin last year they wouldn't need a left tackle this offseason. Boldin could have played wide receiver and left tackle.

5. Jairus Byrd’s landing spot? A secret.

Thanks for the inside information, Peter. You have been very helpful. This is as opposed to the landing spot of Veldheer and other free agents which Peter already is very sure about.

He wants $9 million a year, and I can’t figure out who will pay a safety that much.

One of two things will happen. A team with a lot of cap room will pay Byrd this amount of money or he won't get $9 million per year. Thanks again for the information though. I realize all this talk about free agency is just killing time for the main point of this MMQB, which appears to be a travelogue on Peter's visit to England and Peter's favorite quotes and Tweets of the week.

6. Michael Vick should be in more demand than he is. I keep saying this, and few believe me: Vick’s a very good locker room guy now, a leader, and he’d be a good team guy whether or not he wins the starting job.

I think the problem is that if Vick wins the starting job then teams are scared about what that means for the quarterback position.

I think if Vick had been more accurate in his past two years in Philly (.581, .546), offensive coordinator Norv Turner could have been sold on him with the Vikings;

IF ONLY MIKE VICK WERE BETTER AT THE QUARTERBACK POSITION HE'D BEEN IN MORE DEMAND TO PLAY QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL!

The team that makes the most sense is the Jets, because they have no idea if Geno Smith is their quarterback of the future. Oakland makes sense because the Raiders have no idea what they have either.

I think it's obvious both teams have messes at the quarterback position right now. That's what they have. Of course, it's also March, so there is time to fix this.

I’ll give you a dark horse here: San Francisco. Let’s say Vick gets only lukewarm interest to start, or to compete for a starting job. If so, and if the Niners want more than a third-string insurance policy for Colin Kaepernick, Vick might be willing to go to try to win a Super Bowl ring.

I'm guessing Jim Harbaugh would watch Mike Vick workout, offer Vick a contract, and then deny he has any interest in signing Mike Vick to the 49ers roster. Or maybe Trent Baalke will just sign Vick and not even ask Harbaugh's opinion, since apparently that's a thing he would do. I'm surprised Peter didn't say the Patriots would sign Vick and then mumble something about the Patriot Way.

7. Running backs and receivers have fallen to earth with a thud. Used to be backs were sexy pickups in free agency. Now even the prominent ones get no love, mostly because of the way the game is being played and because teams figure they can find adequate ones in the middle or late rounds of the May draft. Knowshon Moreno, Donald Brown and probably Chris Johnson, with young speedster Ben Tate … expect all of them to be disappointed this week. 

Later in this offseason I expect there will be talk about how there were running backs that were a good value to be found in free agency this offseason. But right now, they are getting no love. I'm guessing Peter will be amazed at the output of Moreno/Tate/Johnson sometime in October when they sign an affordable free agent deal and one of them is on track for 1300 yards on the season.

In my mind, a great fit for Edelman would be Cleveland, which has money to spend and a hole at slot receiver. 

That's fantastic. Now all the Browns have to do is find Tom Brady to pass the ball to Edelman and he can put up another 1000 yard receiving season with 100 passes caught.

Cleveland could be in the mix for Eric Decker, who needs suitors.

Ditto, just substitute the word "Tom Brady" with "Peyton Manning." Also, it appears the Browns are trying to corner the market on white wide receivers. Is Kevin Walter available?

Finally, I think the receiver who will get more action than forecast is Golden Tate.

(Checks the forecast) It appears Tate is on pace for moderate-to-severe action, so I'm not sure if Peter is right or not. As Joe Morgan would say, it's too early to tell. If Golden Tate is going to get more action than forecast (checks forecast again) then I think Eric Decker will get more action than he deserves.

8. Michael Bennett is about to be very rich.

I'm rich, biatch!

Bennett, for the first time in his NFL career, played significant snaps (more than 350) inside for the Seahawks, and he helped Seattle win the Super Bowl. “I think I’ll be one of the most valuable players in free agency,’’ he said late in the year, and he was right. Now the Bears, with brother Martellus Bennett providing in-house recruiting, are interested, and Michael Bennett knows this could be his best shot at free-agency dough.

Or Bennett will just re-sign with the Seahawks, which is what happened.

I know Seattle can’t afford everything, with so many good young players on the cusp of second contracts. But if I’m John Schneider, I’m fighting like crazy to convince Bennett to stay.

Let's see, a guy who wants to get paid...can he be convinced to stay even though the Seahawks may not be able to offer as much money as another team? It worked. Does Schneider have naked pictures of Bennett or something? Actually, would Bennett even care if Schneider had naked pictures of him?

9. Best players to make money whom you don’t know well.

Don't tell your readers what they do and don't know well. It's unbecoming and presumptuous that your readers aren't educated on players who you wouldn't think they would know well.

DE Arthur Jones (Ravens), who should end up being a better long-term player than his former teammate, Paul Kruger, who was overpaid by the Browns last year

Yep, I know who Arthur. Brother of Chandler Jones and an MMA fighter that I don't know anything about, including his first name.

DT Paul Soliai (Dolphins), the best of a bad crop of defensive tackles and best nosetackle in the field

So is it a good thing to be the best of a bad crop of defensive tackles or is this like being the fastest runner at the retirement home (I mean, retirement community)? Isn't this sort of a backhanded compliment? Also, if Soliai is the best of a bad crop of defensive tackles and he is a player who will make money, then doesn't that mean he could be overpaid?

G/T Geoff Schwartz (Chiefs), versatile and underrated

(Checks official rating manual) Yes, it turns out Schwartz is rated as a 77 and he's really more of an 82. He is pretty underrated according to this official rating manual that doesn't exist.

Oh, and I can’t believe more teams, and more people, aren’t talking about wideout James Jones of the Packers. Great hands, and 17 touchdowns over the past two seasons.

Peter is a sucker for hands. I feel like hands are to Peter King like dental jokes are to Rick Reilly. Based on my sports analogies, if there were an SAT for sports I think I could get a 2400 on it. I don't even know what people talking about James Jones has to do with his free agent value. Maybe it's that NFL personnel guys aren't talking about him. How much money does Jones want? That could be the reason more "people" aren't talking about him.

10. First dominoes to fall: tackles. Too many deals too close to fruition.

I bet NFL teams are hoping these tackles aren't dominoes falling or else they won't do a good job of protecting that team's quarterback. Hey-O!

Should be a fun week. We’ll have some good stories at The MMQB this week. We’re following a key free-agent and the trends of the system, so check back through the week for our stories.

In the meantime, let's get to the important parts of this MMQB. Here are the Tweets of the Week and Quotes of the Week, along with stories about Peter's trip to England. I'm throwing out snark, but this MMQB is three pages long and two of those pages are the special sections that Peter has put together through the years, like Tweets of the Week and his travel note. It's getting to the point where the volume of "Things Peter Thinks He Thinks" and other notes that don't necessarily have to do with NFL news has overwhelmed the amount of NFL-related news Peter provides.

“Chris Johnson is at his best when he’s trying to prove everybody wrong. He’ll have that chance when the Titans release him and he’s back at the bottom. Then he’ll regain the selflessness and the work ethic he once showed.”
 
—Ian Rapoport of NFL Network on Sunday. 

This is one of the many reasons I like the NFL salary structure system. Only parts of a contract are guaranteed, so unlike the NBA or MLB, if a player gets his money and stops working or underachieves then he can be released and (potentially) owed the money guaranteed to him. I know the players don't like it necessarily, but I think it makes sense.

“Corners and offensive tackles, throw a party. Receivers and running backs, throw a funeral.”
 
—Anonymous AFC front-office man Sunday, in the midst of feeling out the free-agent market that appears to be on the verge of downsizing salaries to offensive skill players in a big way beginning Tuesday.

It's all cyclical. As soon as a powerful offensive team wins the Super Bowl then teams will be throwing money at receivers and running backs again and defensive players will once again go undervalued in free agency.

Common wisdom on the weekend that remade the Saints: New Orleans GM Mickey Loomis is making space to account for two bloated numbers—the absurdist $26.4-million cap number of Drew Brees (he takes up 19.8 percent of the Saints’ $133 million cap), and the contract they’re trying to create to keep tight end Jimmy Graham.

But hey, at least Brees is getting his, right? I like how Jimmy Graham complained on Twitter about the Saints getting rid of teammates he likes, but I didn't hear Graham volunteering to take a lesser deal or complaining that Brees was taking up almost 20% of the Saints cap. There is a salary cap and can't have it both ways. You want to get paid, teammates have to go. You want Drew Brees throwing you the football, teammates have to go. It's the reality of the situation unless Brees/Graham wants to take lesser money.

What makes the most sense with Graham is to split the difference—a la baseball arbitration—on a long-term contract between the tight end franchise number ($7.04 million) and the wide receiver franchise number ($12.32 million). This way, the Saints could still make Graham the highest-paid tight end ever, and the team wouldn’t have the drag, potentially, of losing a grievance and having Graham take up one 10th of the team’s cap with the wideout franchise number.

By splitting the difference, and making a contract for halfway between the tight end and wide receiver franchise numbers, the Saints could pay Graham $48.4-million over five years. Heck, let’s be nice: five years, $50 million … an average of $10 million a year, exactly $1 million a year higher than the biggest tight end contract ever—Rob Gronkowski’s deal with New England.

Maybe the Saints don't want Graham paid $10 million per year. And really, if the Saints are worried about Graham taking up 10% of the team's cap then I'm not sure what giving Graham $2 million less for five more years would fix. Graham still takes up a lot of the cap and now he's got a long-term deal. Maybe it makes sense to split the difference, but if Graham wants to be paid like a wideout then he may not agree to this deal.

The Raiders have to spend. I’ve written about this the past couple of weeks, but the Raiders illustrate the importance of the rule in the 2011 CBA about minimum spending. In the four seasons between 2013 and 2016, every team in the league has to spend at least 89 percent of its cap limit. So the Raiders must think about extending their own players and signing some from the outside so they account for most of that $65 million of space this year. That’s why Oakland, despite having a GM in Reggie McKenzie who’s not a big fan of throwing around millions that aren’t his, could be a big player this week.

The Raiders have a ton of money and have to spend that money. What could go wrong?

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

There's a picture beside this travel note of Peter outside "Humped Zebra Crossing." He's wearing an Oregon State hoodie because...well, um, just because I guess.

I was in England over the weekend, visiting my brother and his fine family, and meeting my great-nephew Thomas for the first time. Thomas and his mum (my niece Charlotte) and dad live in Lichfield, about two hours northwest of London, where the accompanying photo was snapped on an afternoon stroll.

I'm sure there's some soccer writer who was walking down the street at the same time and this soccer writer thought it was absurd that Peter was taking a picture in front of a street sign that said, "Humped Zebra Crossing" and took time in his weekly soccer column to mention how ridiculous this was. Then someone needs to forward this column to Peter. The karma would be wonderful. After all, Peter is the guy who didn't get why tourists in New York were taking pictures outside the Apple store, but he's proud to take a picture in front of a street sign while in England.

A Humped Zebra Crossing is a raised striped crosswalk in the road, designed for pedestrians to cross and slowing motorists to navigate

Riveting. Peter should take a picture in front of a sign like this.

At a small supermarket, I listened to the very polite self-service checkout voice praise the shopper for putting items properly in the bag after scanning them. At the end, the machine told the shopper, in a chipper and high-pitched voice: “Well done!”

Apparently Peter was visiting the part of England where conversation between computers and humans only exists to reinforce Hollywood stereotypes. Did the self-service checkout voice say "Cheerio!" after the customer paid?

I watched the Six Nations rugby game between England and Wales on TV Sunday. England 29, Wales 18. Mostly, I was clueless about it,

No matter the sport or the country, some things don't change with Peter. 

My brother Ken told me the history of the name “Twelvetrees.” That was his mother’s maiden name. His father was a tree surgeon. When they married, the father decided to use the mother’s name; good for business, he thought. And so when young Billy was born, he took his mother’s last name.

Well done!

Oh my. This is somehow more embarrassing than the Adieu Haiku.

“Wow unbelievable. Shocked and disappointed on everything that’s gone on this offseason.”
 
—@TheJimmyGraham, the New Orleans (for now) tight end, after news surfaced Friday that the Saints would likely rid themselves of Darren Sproles and Lance Moore to save money on the salary cap.

And where is some of that money going to Jimmy Graham? Why would the Saints need to free up some money again? Could it be because you want to be designated as the Saints' franchise player as a wide receiver and not a tight end? Could it be because the Saints want to work out a long-term deal with you? Jimmy Graham wins today's award for a lack of self-awareness.

“Rays manager Joe Maddon on Bucs new uniforms: ‘I’m not a big fan of the pewter. I’m anti-pewter. Pewter shouldn’t even be a color.’ ”
 
—@IKaufmanTBO, Ira Kaufman, pro football scribe for the Tampa Tribune, crossing over to baseball for a few minutes and getting the Spencer Tracy-ish manager of the crosstown Rays to opine on the new (and bizarre) Bucs uniforms.

And why wouldn't Peter refer to Maddon as "Spencer Tracy-ish"? I wonder if Peter thinks that Joe Girardi is "Jimmy Stewart-ish" or that Mike Scioscia and Bud Black are "the Laurel and Hardy of this generation"?

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think I’ll leave the automotive legacy to others, 

If Ford starred in movies then Peter would feel free to help define Ford's legacy on film. 

but when I think of William Clay Ford the football owner (he died Sunday of pneumonia, at 88), I think of two things: intense privacy (I never had a conversation with the man)

Maybe he just didn't like you Peter. I know, the thought this could be true is just unfathomable.

I hope when people think of the elder Ford, they think of his efforts to return Detroit to greatness, as Herculean a task as that has turned out to be.

They could also think of the lack of playoff wins and the fact he stuck with Matt Millen for a lot longer than he possibly should have. Or 0-16 could be remembered too. I'm sure Ford was a good guy (no snark here), but I'm not sure in terms of football he'll be remembered for his efforts to return Detroit to greatness more than his failed attempts to do this.

5. I think with Jared Allen certain to test the market and leave Minnesota, the Vikings had no choice but to do a deal with their other free-agent pass-rusher, Everson Griffen, who got an average of $8.5 million a year from the Vikings Sunday.

I get why the Vikings wanted to sign Griffen since they lost Jared Allen, but to say they had no choice to pay Griffen this amount of money is ridiculous. There are quite a few pass rushers available through free agency and in the draft. The Vikings had options, even if they chose to not pursue those options, they had them. It's just a lot of money for a guy who is getting paid based on potential to meet the contract he just signed.

That salary is inflated given what Griffen has accomplished in four seasons: 59 games, 17.5 sacks. Griffen is 26 and hasn’t earned that yet. Problem was, someone else would have paid him if the Vikings didn’t do a deal before free agency.

The fact the Vikings HAD to pay Griffen and another team would offer Griffen this same contract once he hit free agency aren't reasons to give this contract to Griffen. This is how teams make mistakes and end up regretting these mistakes. Maybe it works out, but Peter justifies this deal by saying, "The Vikings had to do something because they are going to lose Jared Allen and another team was going to overpay Griffen." Simply because another team was going to overpay Griffen didn't mean the Vikings had to beat them to the punch.

6. I think when Hakeem Nicks tells Josina Anderson of ESPN, “I want to go to a team where I’m the missing link,’’ I wonder if he knows how silly that sounds coming from a man with 109 catches and three touchdowns over the past two years.

Yeah, but Nicks has played well a few seasons before that when he wasn't injured. Therein lies the draw teams have to Nicks. It's not hard to understand.

7. I think when I hear that the Jets want to limit Geno Smith’s throws to something under 20 per game in 2014, I am dubious. Marty “Never Met a Throw He Didn’t Like” Mornhinweg is the offensive coordinator, after all. And throwing the ball, say, 18 times a game would mean a team would have something like a 2-to-1 run-pass ratio, which hasn’t been done in years by any team. I’m not buying it. If you want your quarterback to throw fewer 20 times a game, you don’t like your quarterback and ought to get another one.

I do agree, while noting Russell Wilson averaged 25 passes per game this year, which was the lowest of any NFL starter who played in all 16 games. I agree with Peter, but if a team has a good enough running game to where the quarterback could throw the ball 5 times less per game it doesn't mean the quarterback totally sucks. It could mean that of course. 

8. I think I don’t know what more you’d want Jared Allen to do than what he did for six years in Minnesota. He never missed a start. He averaged 14.3 sacks per year. He wasn’t a distraction. He played as hard as any pass-rusher in football. 

I don't think I asked Jared Allen to do any more than that. What the hell is Peter talking about here? Who hates Jared Allen and is saying he didn't do much for the Vikings over the last six seasons?

I will be amazed, with all this cap money available and pass-rushers so hard to find, if he gets shut out of the big-money market. He’s 31. He shows no signs of the end. Allen would be very high on my list.

I think he's probably pretty high on quite a few team's list. The problem is how much Allen wants in his first free agent contract other than for it to be "fair."

10. I think these are my non-NFL thoughts of the week:

Or as it will be known in three years, the sum total of Peter's weekly MMQB.

b. Two big differences in their lives from mine: You can see the sky vividly on a clear night, and the silence at night is just stunning.

Does the silence at night stun you into silence?

c. South By Southwest looks fun. To those who attend: Worthwhile to go one year?

When does U2 play SXSW again? That's all Peter wants to know.

f. If I haven’t told you already, go see “Gravity.” So many of those Best Oscar movies are so, so good. Other than the fact most movies are 10 to 20 percent too long, this is a great time for movies and to be a movie-goer.

It's really the golden period of movies, Peter thinks. There are at least 10 actors and actresses that are the greatest actor/actress of this generation making movies right now.

g. My next one: “The Grand Budapest Hotel.” Looks terrific.

And when have previews ever lied? And when as a Wes Anderson movie ever felt really underwhelming? I'm looking at you Wes Anderson movie about a train in India that I found to be boring.

h. Geno Auriemma is 59. His UConn team is 33-0 and looks bound for a ninth national title under Auriemma, and he shows no signs of wanting to pack it in. He’s not appreciated enough around the country.

Well then. I'm glad Peter knows how much Auriemma is appreciated. Perhaps it's because he coaches women's basketball, which is a niche sport?

i. Coffeenerdness: Good job by Costa Coffee, the big coffee chain, in England, with the espresso. I like the place. When Starbucks is mobbed, the drinks suffer.

Dude, it's fucking coffee. Order it and drink it. It's not that hard. Every drink from Starbucks doesn't have to be a masterpiece.

I just have three visits to a Costa to compare, but the baristas seem to take their time regardless of attendance in-store. It shows.

"I have a small sample size to work with, but I'll come to a general conclusion about all of the baristas in a certain country regardless."

j. Good story in The Guardian on the dangers of caffeine.

The idea of Peter King linking an article about the dangers of caffeine in a column where he has extolled the virtues of caffeine for years now is just deliciously wonderful. I don't need caffeine after reading this sentence because the mere thought of Peter linking an article about the dangers of caffeine is enough to keep me up laughing.

l. My fantasy baseball draft is Tuesday. March 11! Too early. To say I haven’t studied much would be an understatement. Hope no one laughs when I pick Joe Foy.

If you have to study for a fantasy baseball draft you either are doing it wrong or you shouldn't be doing fantasy baseball for a year or two until you catch up with the player's names.

The Adieu Haiku

Mr. Detroit, gone.
Bill Ford loved cars, and his town.
City needed him.

I was hoping the Adieu Haiku had been left in England.

8 comments Now That the "Peyton Paradox" Is Shown as Not a Thing, Gregg Reminds Us Again the Read-Option Is Dead

I have been eagerly waiting for Gregg's reaction to Peyton Manning and the Broncos defeating the Kansas City Chiefs this past weekend. I wanted to read Gregg's reaction since Manning didn't come up short in a big game this past weekend. Not shockingly, Gregg doesn't mention his half-assed "Peyton Paradox" theory that he half-assed created just a few weeks ago because he's a half-ass writer. He talks about the Chiefs-Broncos game that the Broncos won, but decides to neglect mentioning that a month ago he discussed why Peyton Manning has trouble winning big games. When he's wrong, Gregg doesn't want us to know, but when he is right, he feels the need to tell us all about it. This week in TMQ, the column is a little bit shorter. This would be good news if Gregg decided to get rid of the useless non-NFL bullshit, but he seemingly keeps the same amount of non-NFL bullshit and decides to skimp on his commentary from the Week 11 games. I should probably be glad about this. At a certain point, Gregg will just quickly mention the NFL games that were played, criticize a few head coaches for their tactics/strategies, and get back to what he really wants to write about, which is how unrealistic television is and discussing political news.

It's the Parking Lot Theory of Officiating.

No, it's not. You just made that up.

When a call (or a no-call) on the last play decides the game, officials want to be sure they can get out of the parking lot. That means the call (or no-call) will go the home team's way.

Well, originally the call went against the home team. So the call went against the home team and then maybe the Parking Lot Theory of Officiating kicked in and the officials reversed the call. The knee-jerk call went against the home team originally though.

New England at Carolina, the home Panthers were flagged for pass interference as the clock expired, then the flag was picked up. That much was correct, because Rob Gronkowski, who was grabbed, could not have made the catch -- and the officiating standard is, if there is doubt about whether it was interference, then it was not interference.

Is that the standard though? The officials threw a flag, so there was clearly not doubt originally about whether it was interference or not. 

But defensive holding should have been called, which would have given the Patriots the ball on the Cats' 13, an untimed down and one more try. Probably Carolina still would have prevailed, the game ending without controversy. But maybe the Patriots would have won, leaving the crowd enraged at the officials.

"Probably" Carolina still would have won the game if there was an untimed down, though it is entirely possible the Patriots could have won the game as well. One of these two things could have happened. This is analysis brought to you by Gregg Easterbrook.

Last year's Fail Mary conclusion of the Packers at Seahawks game was a botched call that favored the home crowd. When officials mistakenly awarded victory to the Jets with a few seconds to play a 1998 contest against Seattle, the call favored the home crowd. That same year, officials mistakenly awarded victory to the Patriots on the final ticks of the clock against Buffalo, and the call favored the home crowd. When officials botched the final call of the 2003 Giants at Niners playoff game, the decision favored the home crowd.

So what's the lesson to be learned from this? If the game is going to be decided by one play, make sure in advance that one play takes place on your homefield?

There have of course been cases where zebras ruled against the home crowd in the final seconds, and every official knows what happens -- the crowd goes bonkers, as it did at the 2001 Cleveland Browns rain-of-beer-bottles game. Add that since the 1998 botched call in Buffalo at New England, officials have felt they should not throw flags in Hail Mary situations unless there is absolutely no choice.

So it appears that Gregg's point is close calls favor the home team unless the close call favors the visiting team. I'm glad we discussed this topic.

Most NFL officials start as high school or small-college officials, circumstances in which you walk through the hostile crowd in zebra stripes to get to your car after the game. At the NFL level, there is security, shuttle buses, locker rooms to change to street clothes. But the psychology remains -- when a ruling decides the game, officials lean in favor of the home crowd.

I'm not sure this is a conscious decision or not, but it seems that Gregg has shown us that NFL officials will either rule in favor of the home team or the visiting team on close calls that could decide a game.

The Cats held the high-scoring Patriots to 20 points in a decent defensive performance -- though they did allow them to move 62 yards in 59 seconds at the end. Carolina's linebacker-focused Tampa 2 defense emphasizes discipline, not gimmicks.

This is hilarious and shows how little football (or possibly Carolina Panthers games) Gregg Easterbrook watches. Carolina doesn't run the Tampa-2 defense predominantly. Jon Gruden mentioned Carolina was running Tampa-2 Monday night during the game, but that's only because Carolina was playing their safeties back at that point in the game. For most of the game the Panthers were loading the box and daring the Patriots receivers to beat them. Carolina also plays a lot of Cover-1 with a deep safety and (like most teams) will run 3-4 and 4-3 principles. The defensive coordinator for Carolina is Sean McDermott, who is a Jim Johnson disciple, and Jim Johnson had an attacking defense that certainly wasn't Tampa-2. But due to the fact Gregg doesn't watch much football, yet he writes about it every week in TMQ, he heard Jon Gruden mention Carolina was running Tampa-2 coverage and like a game of Telephone he tells us that is the defense Carolina runs predominantly.

The Cats got the touchdown they needed to win -- though they struggled offensively against a New England defense with multiple starters injured.

The Panthers had seven drives during the game for a total of 300 yards. They went punt, touchdown, field goal, end of half, touchdown, punt, touchdown. So they had four scoring drives and two punts during the game. I'm not sure I would consider that struggling offensively, but whatever.

As for the Patriots, now they are angry. You won't like them when they are angry.

They were angry after Spygate as well and that lead to an 18-1 season where Gregg Easterbrook claimed the Patriots lost the Super Bowl because they had pissed off the football gods by cheating. I guess Gregg thinks the Patriots have a right to be angry this time, so the football gods won't smite them. No word from Gregg on whether the football gods care whether the Saints put a bounty on opposing players and will punish the Saints this season for doing so. I'm guessing Gregg won't vocalize this theory until the Saints lose an important game.

In other football news, the Atlanta Falcons and San Francisco 49ers, who met for the last NFC championship, are a combined 9-14 since kickoff of that contest. The Falcons' season is over, and the Niners are taking on water:

The 49ers are currently the 6th seed in the NFC Playoff picture. If that's "taking on water" then there are ten other teams in the NFC who would like to take on water also. So while Gregg, as usual, is eager to mislead his readers the 49ers are still on schedule to make the playoffs.

San Francisco is 6-4, with a struggling offense held to less than 200 yards by the New Orleans Saints. Colin Kaepernick looks dazed and confused -- the zone-read play-fakes that gave him uncovered receivers last season are not getting the job done this season.

As I predicted in MMQB Review this week Gregg Easterbrook is very excited to point out how the zone-read is not working for the 49ers. When Gregg is right about something, we get to hear about it. When he's wrong about something, like the "Peyton Paradox," well that just gets swept by the wayside until the Broncos lose another game.

Perhaps TMQ needs to declare a new football immutable law: Whenever the quarterback poses wearing less than the cheerleaders on their bikini calendar, woe onto that team.

And of course no conversation related to Colin Kaepernick would be complete without a mention of how he posed nude for ESPN the Magazine. Gregg almost has as much of an obsession with Colin Kaepernick having posed nude as he does with pointing out how the read-option isn't working anymore for the 49ers.

The Saints don't lack for bravado. Trailing in the third quarter, New Orleans went for it on fourth-and-4: the try failed, but only stoked the home team's determination.

Gregg is a psychic so he knows this play stoked the Saints determination.

Trailing in the fourth quarter, New Orleans threw deep on third-and-1, for a 26-yard gain.

If this play had not worked then Gregg would have criticized the Saints for throwing deep when they only needed one yard. He would have quoted the Saints yards per carry average during the game to show they could have picked up the first down running the football, then said all the Saints had to do was "do a little dance" and get the first down. Since the play worked, Gregg has no criticism for it. Gregg is way too outcome based with his criticism.

Head coach Sean Payton called timeout at 2:11, before a Saints' field goal attempt, though the clock would have stopped at the two minute warning. He seemed to want as many ticks as possible on the scoreboard to keep his players, and the home crowd, convinced a comeback could happen. The New Orleans winning play began with three seconds showing.

Of course the Saints let the clock tick down to three seconds and it isn't like the Saints were hustling to get the clock stopped at three seconds. These are just small details of course. Details that Gregg doesn't care to share because it would undermine his point that Sean Payton calling timeout with 2:11 left was the key to the Saints winning the game. Gregg loves to mislead his audience, which is just a polite way of saying he lies or at the least withholds the truth.

This season the Saints are third on defense. Rob Ryan to the Saints may have been an even more important offseason move than Alex Smith to the Chiefs.

And yet, Gregg would criticize Rob Ryan last year for his blitz-happy defense. It's funny how now that Ryan is having success Gregg doesn't have as much criticism for Ryan's defensive philosophies.

How would you feel if your team led 70-49 with four minutes remaining, and lost? I'm not talking about your basketball team -- I'm talking about your football team. See below.

How would you feel if I said I don't care to see below?

Stats of the Week No. 9: Geno Smith finished with a 10.1 passer rating. If every attempt hits the ground incomplete, under the NFL formula a quarterback receives a 39.6 passer rating.

Then maybe Geno Smith should not have tried to throw the football to a receiver and instead should have just thrown every pass into the ground.

Later the Bengals again rushed seven, blocking a punt and returning it for a touchdown. On that play, high first-round draft choice Barkevious Mingo simply brushed his man and started up the field to cover the punt, assuming there would be no rush; instead Mingo's man blocked the kick. The scoop-and-score was by Tony Dye, who was called up from the practice squad shortly before the contest. Who-dat scores while first-round draft choice is flummoxed. Sweet.

Gregg will always take the time to point out when an undrafted player does well as compared to a highly-drafted player. Naturally, when Gregg earlier in this TMQ wrote,

Stats of the Week No. 7: At the half versus Cleveland, the Cincinnati Bengals had more touchdowns (four) than first downs (three).

He failed to mention that second round pick Andy Dalton threw for two of these touchdowns and the passes went to a first and third round pick respectively. Gregg also fails to mention the Browns scored a touchdown when highly-drafted glory boy first round pick Joe Haden picked off an Andy Dalton pass and ran it back for a touchdown. Gregg won't mention a player's draft position when a highly-drafted player does something positive, but damn if he won't mention when a player does something positive and that player is undrafted.

Nobody wins all the time, but Kansas City seemed troubled in bowing out as the last undefeated of 2013. The Chiefs have just three offensive touchdowns in their past 10 quarters. Appearing in prime time, many Kansas City players seemed more concerned with preening than performing.

The Chiefs lost a football game! Quick, change the narratives around! A team that once emphasized great defense and taking care of the football is now a team that can't score points and is more concerned with preening than playing well. It would be funny if these narratives weren't changed out of pure laziness on the part of the writers who change these narratives around.

When the Broncos needed a yard for a touchdown, there were not one, not two but three shifts to distract the defense: touchdown. When the Chiefs needed a yard for a touchdown, there was no misdirection, just a straight-ahead power rush, stuffed.

Excellent anecdotal evidence. If only the Chiefs had "done a little dance" to get a yard then they would have won the game. I'm sure Gregg wrote "game over" in his notebook after the Chiefs were stuffed on the one yard they needed for the touchdown.

Kansas City did play an aggressive defensive scheme -- many eight- or even nine-man fronts, with Cover 1 (lone high safety) and man-to-man press corners. Defensive coordinators watching on the tube must have wondered if this would prove the scheme to stop Peyton Manning.

Yes, I'm sure defensive coordinators everywhere were slapping their forehead saying, "So THAT is how you stop Peyton Manning? We have tried everything but that to stop Manning since 1998 and nothing else worked."

Sweet 'n' sour bonus: Leading 27-23 at the start of the fourth quarter, Detroit lined up for a field goal attempt from the Pittsburgh 10. The call was a fake, resulting in a lost fumble. TMQ thinks NFL coaches should call fakes more often. In this case the fake was attempted in strong rain; holder Sam Martin slipped, then fumbled. Martin has now carried the ball twice in 2013, fumbling both times.

Normally Gregg would tell us that "fortune favors the bold" and Jim Schwartz was inspiring his team by telling them he was playing to win the game, but since the outcome wasn't positive then Gregg glosses over his usual explanations for why a team that went for it on fourth down or tried a fake field goal/punt lost the game.

So basically if the Lions had just gone for the field goal here, which would be the not bold move that doesn't tell Schwartz's team he is trying to win the game, then the game would have potentially gone into overtime. Fortune favors the bold, unless it doesn't.

TMQ lampoons psychics who get into legal troubles they don't see coming. The latest example is Sylvia Mitchell, a New York City fortuneteller just sentenced to five to 15 years for grand larceny. Mitchell catered to a high-end Manhattan clientele. The jury found that she stole from her marks by asking fees for psychic revelations -- in effect, charging for a product she did not deliver.

Suppose the theory of the Mitchell conviction is correct -- that accepting fees for promises of supernatural interaction constitutes grand larceny. Wouldn't every church, mosque and synagogue be subject to a police raid?

Well, not necessarily. I am betting Mitchell would not read a person's fortune if he/she didn't pay her money. This is as opposed to a person being able to attend a church, mosque, or synagogue without having to pay for money for supernatural interaction. It's a pretty basic difference in requiring money for supernatural interaction and donating money for a supernatural interaction. In one case, the money is a requirement and in the other case the money is completely optional. The police can't raid a church simply because someone chose to donate money to that church.

The minister says that attending church and making donations is good for my soul. Maybe he's right. I choose of my own free will to believe he is. Or maybe all clergy are con artists. Should they go to prison for accepting money in return for vague intimations about an unverifiable spiritual plane?

No, they should not. The psychic is selling a person's fortune as a product, while a church isn't selling any type of product, but is a place where people can choose to go to worship as they wish to. A church doesn't sell spiritual guidance or spiritual forgiveness. They offer this guidance and forgiveness to the attendee and the attendee decides whether he/she wants to contribute to the church in the form of an offering.

While Gerald Ford, who was never elected to national office, has his name on a supercarrier, Franklin Roosevelt, elected four times and who led the country during the world's worst war, has his name on only a destroyer. 

My God, how do Roosevelt's relative sleep in peace with this huge slap in the face always hovering over them? (let's pretend a slap in the face can hover)

Lyndon Johnson, who brought about passage of the Civil Rights Act, Voting Rights Act, and the creation of Medicare and Medicaid, and who was winner of a landslide national election, will have his name on a new type of destroyer that's under construction at Bath Iron Works -- an important ship, but nowhere as important as the supercarrier that bears the name of the unelected partial-term Ford.

This would be interesting to read if I didn't know this was a blatant attempt to kill space in TMQ so that it wouldn't look like Gregg lacked material for this week's column.

Republican secretaries of the Navy chose Ford and Bush over Clinton, who won more presidential elections than Ford and Bush combined.

(falls asleep while reading)

Action shows fundamentally are preposterous: "The Blacklist" pushes the envelope. In just the first few episodes, a dozen FBI agents are killed in several machine-gun battles in Washington, D.C.;

It seems that Gregg has found a new television show to criticize for a lack of realism. Because one would expect a television show about a criminal mastermind who intentionally turns himself over to the FBI to be a very realistic show. As always, Gregg takes the time to criticize this show for lacking realism, but he doesn't dislike the show enough to stop watching it.

100 people are killed with biological weapons in Washington's subway system and in a federal courthouse; a cargo plane explodes above Washington and a commercial airliner is blown up at Reagan National Airport. That's just the first few episodes!

(sighs deeply) It's a television show created for entertainment purposes only. "The Blacklist" is not supposed to be realistic.

A bad guy gets on a subway train said to be pulling into DuPont Circle, an actual subway stop in Washington. The subway announcer voice is saying, "Connect to the Yellow Line at Farragut North." The Farragut North station does not meet that line. The sign on the train lists its destination as Shady Green. The actual destination is Shady Grove.

How does NBC get away with a show that blatantly gets facts wrong, like claiming the subway stops at a station that doesn't exist and calling "Shady Grove" "Shady Green"? 

You can clearly see we are at the non-football related section of TMQ. I can't imagine there is anyone who reads TMQ that looks forward to the portions where Gregg micro-criticizes a television show for lacking accuracy.

In the first "Star Trek" remake, in "Superman Returns," in "Unforgettable" and other movies and shows, pieces of aircraft or spacecraft fall straight down. They would fall is a broad parabolic arc.

But would they edit their column about football to where there isn't a misprint in that last sentence?

Several plots hinge on the FBI finding a criminal mastermind by tracing a credit card. A glamorous woman described as the world's most dangerous international assassin is cornered after she uses her credit card to order a drink in a hotel bar. Wouldn't the world's most dangerous international assassin buy her Cosmopolitan with unmarked euros?

No Gregg, she would not. She would most likely write a check for her drink or use a money order to purchase a drink at the bar.

Charles Youvella, 1996-2013:

Listen to an Arizona local newscaster reporting on the awful death. The newscaster and people he interviews focus on how hard Youvella was trying to win the game when he was fatally injured -- as if this meant anything at all, let alone is relevant compared to a young person's life.

I don't think the newscaster was trying to do anything but show that Youvella was dedicated to playing football well and was describing what Youvella was doing when he was fatally injured. Compared to a young person's life there isn't anything that seems as relevant, so rather than sit in silence after reporting the story, the newscaster spoke a bit about how Youvella was dedicated to winning the football game.

They reach for silver-lining comments that come out sounding ludicrous: People gave the boy's family gift cards!

They are only reporting that the community cared about the family and were showing sympathy. I don't think this is a silver-lining comment where it's like, "sure your son may be dead, but here's a $40 gift card to Carrabba's."

Of course when a person dies young, it is hard to think of anything to say. But broadcasters, writers and fans need a vocabulary in which to face that harm caused by football, and to express that sports glory is meaningless if harm is done.

Because the perfect time to comment on how football is so dangerous is during the reporting of Youvella's life and how his family was holding up after his death. Commentary about the dangers of football fits in perfectly with this type of news report.

Philadelphia has rebounded to lead the NFC East, but has no victory over a team with a winning record. Down the stretch, the Eagles don't face any elite teams.

They do play the 6-4 Chicago Bears, who are going to get Jay Cutler back at some point in the near future (hopefully), plus they still have to play the Cowboys. The Eagles don't face an elite team, but they also aren't an elite team themselves.

In 2012, the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons opened 3-6, then went won out and made the postseason...When they fell behind 24-0 at Philadelphia then rallied to make it 24-16 with the ball on the Eagles' 18 in the final minute, the faithful were dancing. RG III dropped back -- and with five linemen to block three pass rushers, was almost immediately under pressure. R*dsk*ns out of time outs, Griffin had to avoid being sacked. 

It's easy to see Gregg is writing "Redskins" so why does he insist on continuing to write that name with asterisks in the name in place of vowels rather than just calling the Redskins the "Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons" like he did earlier in this paragraph? I'll answer my own question. Gregg likes to be cutesy when he writes and he thinks writing "R*dsk*ns" is a funny thing to do. He is wrong.

Down 17-6 at the end of the first half, the Colts were staging yet another comeback: third quarter touchdown, then krumble on the play! The Flaming Thumbtacks dropped the kickoff, and TMQ contends the kickoff fumble -- krumble -- is the most damaging event in football, since the team that just scored immediately gets the ball in scoring position again.

I'm pretty sure that Gregg also claims the pick-six is the event that turns the tide the most in a football...or something like that. I tried to do a search for it, but I didn't really find anything. I swear Gregg has said something about a pick-six having a huge impact on a game in the same manner that he refers to a "krumble" having a huge impact on the game. Either way, let's not call a kickoff fumble a "krumble."

In the fourth quarter, Drew Brees was sacked on third down and fumbled, with San Francisco recoverying.

Oh, so the 49ers recoveryed the ball. It's always nice to get a fumble recovery because recoverying the ball is fantastic.

Just as the first quarter was ending at Tennessee, officials missed a 12-men-on-the-field violation by the Flaming Thumbtacks. During the long commercial break, they failed to correct the problem. Just as the game should have resumed, Chuck Pagano threw the challenge flag. NFL Network then went back into commercial. When it returned -- after festive mid-November ads for Christmas shopping -- 

The point of these ads is to get consumers to go out and purchase products before Christmas Eve. I don't know why I even bother talking about this every year, but I don't know why Gregg Easterbrook has to be so stupid about things like this. Retailers want to increase their sales, so they offer good deals for the holiday season well before the holiday season starts to increase their sales and create a sense of urgency in the consumer. That's why holiday commercials start in November and that's why sales for Christmas products go on sale prior to Christmas Eve.

Beleaguered Miami Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland, who traded first- and second-round choices to draft Dion Jordan, seems just now to be discovering that the guy is a part-time player. How could Ireland possibly have known? 

Dion Jordan is a rookie, so he isn't necessarily a part-time player at this point. It's just that his strength right now isn't playing against the run, so the Dolphins insert him into the game in passing situations. The Seahawks do something similar when it comes to Bruce Irvin, or did last year at least. So Jordan is a rookie and it's a bit early to call him a part-time player.

Everybody knew except Ireland! See for example TMQ on the Tuesday after the draft, check the Miami item.

I did check out the Miami item and I also checked out the Buffalo item where Gregg wrote something similar to what he wrote about Dion Jordan, except Gregg turned out to be wrong:

The Bills used a third-round pick on Marquise Goodwin, fastest man at the combine -- he ran a 4.3, excuse me, a 4.27. That's fast. Complication: Goodwin was never a full-time starter in college, recording just 26 receptions as a senior. So he's a track star but his own college coaches thought he couldn't play. Why will that change in the pros?

It will change because Goodwin doesn't have Case McCoy or David Ash throwing him the football. Goodwin has 16 receptions for 261 yards and three interceptions on the year. That's while being targeted only 26 times and Goodwin has 13 of those receptions in the last four games. Detailing how many receptions a wide receiver has in college doesn't tell the whole story on whether the coaches think that player can play or not. So Marquise Goodwin looks like a good draft pick, but you won't find Gregg mentioning that he didn't think Goodwin would be a good pro. Gregg only focuses on the times when he is right and ignores when he is wrong.

Hidden play of the week: Hidden plays are ones that never make highlight reels, but sustain or stop drives. San Francisco leading 20-17 in the fourth quarter at New Orleans, Colin Kaepernick scrambled on a busted play and flipped a flare pass to Frank Gore, running alone up the Saints' sideline. Gore would have gotten a first down, and might have reached New Orleans territory, but he dropped the well-thrown ball.

As I always say, simply because a play doesn't make the 45-second highlight reel doesn't mean the play is irrelevant. So judging a play as being "hidden" or not based on what the highlight reel shows is faulty reasoning in the first place. Plus, this dropped pass that would have converted a first down and extended the 49ers drive wasn't hidden at all. It took place in the fourth quarter of a three-point game. I'm sure 49ers fans and anyone who watched the game knows this was a crucial play that helped lead to the 49ers eventually losing. 

The Niners punted and went on to lose by a field goal as the clock expired.

See? Not a hidden play.

Next Week: Andy Reid demands to know why his 22 assistants didn't tell him the Denver Broncos are a high-scoring team.

Right, because knowing the Broncos are a high-scoring team and being able to stop the Broncos from scoring is the same thing. Having knowledge of good the Broncos are on offense means the Chiefs could have stopped the Broncos from scoring. Maybe Reid's assistants should have told him about the "Peyton Paradox" since it's a real thing and all. 

7 comments MMQB Review: To Peter King's Amazement, Ruby Tuesday's Doesn't Have the Best Beer Selection Edition

Peter King described laying his dog Bailey to rest last week and included more discussion of the Richie Incognito-Miami Dolphins-Jonathan Martin situation since he wasn't too interested in the games that occurred during Week 10. Peter reveled in the Rams good 2013 draft because Tavon Austin had a spectacular performance for the Rams during Week 10. Peter also relayed personal messages to friends in his "Things He Thinks" since apparently he doesn't have the capability to send a text message to these people. This week Peter talks about how the Broncos protected Peyton Manning (it's shocking the Chiefs lost now that they weren't going up against a team's backup quarterback), messy and rainy fields, recalls JFK's assassination (in order to kill space I would assume) and how he doesn't understand how a bug gets in a hotel room. Shouldn't bugs know he is the great Peter King and leave him alone?

We have great and controversial events to discuss, and we shall. But there are great and controversial events every week in pro football, and I’ll get to the rise of a battered Denver offensive line, to the 113-minute weather/tornado-threat delay, and to a foul that, in today’s football, simply must be called. But first …

What great and important event occurred that could cause Peter King to ignore the results of this past week's NFL games? What has happened to place all of these immediate events on the back burner and requires our full attention right now?

Friday is the 50-year anniversary of the assassination of President Kennedy.

A murder that happened 50 years ago. Of course.

It is also the five-year anniversary of the first of three strokes suffered by a great and irascible football writer, Paul Zimmerman, who was the king of the hill when I got to Sports Illustrated in 1989. A week never goes by that one of you, either on email, through Twitter or seeing me in an airport, doesn’t ask, How’s Dr. Z?

Not exactly the most urgent of anniversaries that should be celebrated prior to actually writing about the NFL games for Week 11, but I should just be happy that Peter King isn't trying to extort money from his readers to pay for a risky treatment for Dr. Z in Michigan like he did a few years ago. By the way, I don't remember Peter ever saying what happened with that risky treatment that Peter was begging his readers for money to help Dr. Z finance. I'm guessing it didn't help Dr. Z very much, but it's very kind of Peter to take his readers money and then not tell us how the treatment worked out. That's still one of the most irritating things Peter has done. As opposed to using some of his and his other 1%-er friends to help pay for Dr. Z's treatment, Peter asked his readers to help chip in money to pay for Dr. Z's treatment, despite the fact Dr. Z made more money than probably 95% of Peter's MMQB audience in a given year and if a layperson emailed Peter for a few bucks to pay for the same treatment this email would probably go ignored. I thought it was a great cause, but I'm not sure I like how Peter went about funding the cause.

Or, When will Paul start writing again? This week, you’ll find out. NFL Films dispatched ace Ken Rodgers to produce and actor Tom Wopat to narrate the current story of 81-year-old Paul Zimmerman, and it airs beginning Tuesday night at 10:30 Eastern on NFL Network,

And why wouldn't it be narrated by Luke Duke?

The final score Sunday night: Denver 27, Kansas City 17, Peyton Manning sacks 0, Peyton Manning knockdowns 0.

Peyton Manning wins in important games this week 1, times Gregg Easterbrook will mention the "Peyton Paradox" this week 0.

Denver came in with a plan: Run the ball enough to take time off the clock and take pressure off Manning; throw the ball quickly, before the heat can hit home. Manning’s had many better days in the NFL, but an interception- and sack-free game? Against the ball-hawking Chiefs? He’ll take it.

Good to hear Peyton Manning will take a victory. I was concerned he might decide the victory was actually a loss and not accept the victory, allowing the Chiefs to keep their perfect record.

Denver doesn’t get to be fat and happy for long. Two more emotional games await in short order: at New England Sunday night (Manning-Brady XIV happens in Foxboro), and a rematch with the Chiefs in Kansas City seven days later. The Chiefs have to be careful. They’ve got San Diego and Denver coming up, then finish with three of their final four on the road. 

The Chiefs shouldn't worry, I'm sure they will run into a few backup or third-string quarterbacks somewhere over the next few weeks.

They’ve gotten just one sack in the past three games. Defensive coordinator Bob Sutton has to figure a way for Tamba Hali and Justin Houston, particularly, to disrupt the quarterback more.

It's always funny how sportswriters change their perspective after a team loses. Peter comes into this MMQB describing the Chiefs pass rush as ferocious, thinks it was a great job the Broncos did in protecting Manning and says they are the NFL leader in sacks...which is all true. Once the Broncos have won the game all of a sudden Peter points out the Chiefs need to do something to improve their pass rush because they have only one sack in the last three games. So either the tough pass rush isn't so tough or opposing teams have figured out how to counter the Chiefs pass rush. It's just funny how the Chiefs pass rush goes from tough to struggling after one game. The pass rush that Peter thinks was so great suddenly isn't sacking the quarterback enough.

My first thought, for much of the first four-and-a-half hours of the game, which had a 113-minute delay in the middle of first quarter because of severe weather (an estimated 70 tornadoes touched down in the Midwest Sunday), was that this was Exhibit A for postponing a game for a day.

Peter's second though? The spread in the press box is running low, so he better hit up the concession stands now if he expects to get more food.

The delay got so long they stopped selling beer in the stadium,

Except for the Allagash White beer stand, they stayed open so Peter enjoyed the sweet, but not too filling taste of Allagash White beer and maybe if he keeps mentioning beer over and over in his column some brewery will send him some free beer. How long does Peter have to keep mentioning beer before he starts to get some free shit?

But with about nine minutes left in the fourth quarter, I went down to the field to watch the rest of the game from a tunnel. 

The Allagash White beer stand was closed and the pressbox spread had eventually run out. Much like a beer who has finished hibernating, it was time to go in search of food.

The field was a cow pasture, and players, officials and (during TV timeouts) the grounds crew tried to tamp down the turf after the torrential rain ruined it. And I thought: How great it is to see a game in the elements like this.

It's easy to understand how great it is to see an NFL game played in elements like this when you aren't the one on the field trying to run on a field where even the smallest misstep could result in a sprained ankle and every divot provides a new and exciting chance to blow out your knee.

You hate to make the fans wait out a two-hour delay, but would it have been more inconvenient, say, to reschedule the game for Monday at noon?

Yes, it would have been very inconvenient. People in Chicago have jobs. Well, maybe they have jobs. After all, those Wrigley Field day games are fairly well-attended, so maybe these Bears fans would make due and attend the game.

Of all the games I’ve covered, only a Giants preseason game at foggy, rainy Cleveland in the ’80s, at the old Cleveland Stadium, was like this one. I was looking for the ghost of Jim Brown that day; and Sunday, I wondered how many of these games Luckman, Sayers and Butkus played in.

It's fun to be nostalgic for a time that may not have existed while the players on the field are running around playing football on a torn-up field that greatly increases the risk one of these football players would suffer a severe injury.

Our Robert Klemko wandered into the Bears’ locker room and found another oddity: Some players slept during the break.

Is this really odd? Professional athletes take a nap before a game all the time. This was just another long wait for a game to start to some of the Bears players. I thought it was clear there was going to be at least an hour wait for the game to start again, so a nap may have been in order.

At least two Bears gave in to the urge, and what they did next kept Chicago in the NFC North hunt. Backup quarterback Josh McCown, starting in place of the injured Jay Cutler, laid down and began visualizing plays, and before he knew it he was asleep. “I closed my eyes and just tried to think about the game,” McCown said, “and I think I dozed off.” Reserve defensive end David Bass did the same: “I napped for 15 to 20 minutes. It was refreshing.” Bass came out after the interrupted first quarter and picked off a Joe Flacco throw before it passed the line of scrimmage, returning it for a 24-yard touchdown in the second quarter.

I'm sure Gregg Easterbrook will have a brand new theory this week about how if a player sleeps during halftime then he will play better in the second half.

The more the NFL can hark back to a simpler day, a muddier day, the better.

It's kind of dangerous to play on a field like that.

Three quick takes from the day:

Make it quick. I want to talk more about the JFK assassination.

1. Tony Corrente got the call right in New Orleans. With 3:18 left and San Francisco up by three in a crucial game between the Niners and Saints, linebacker Ahmad Brooks sacked Drew Brees and forced a fumble, which the Niners recovered. The problem was the sack, and the mechanics of it. Brooks clotheslined Brees on a hit that started above the sternum and finished with him forcibly sending Brees to the ground by contacting the neck with his forearm. Corrente called a personal foul on Brooks, gave the ball back to New Orleans, and the Saints went on to win with two Garrett Hartley field goals in the final three minutes.

Oh, the Saints. Always the first to cry when they feel they have been wronged and never wanting to hear about when they get a little bit lucky and win a game. This was a penalty, I guess, but it's a little bit lucky the Saints got away with this victory. I guess they have some good karma for all the bad stuff they went through last season...none of which was their fault of course.

3. Washington tackle Trent Williams made a serious accusation against game umpire Roy Ellison. During the Philly-Washington game, Williams said Ellison called him a “garbage a–, disrespectful motherf–ker.” The league said it would investigate. That’s a stunning charge, and reporters in the Washington locker room afterward say other players backed up Williams’ account.

BREAKING NEWS: A professional athlete's teammates support something he says and won't publicly contradict him publicly. Who would have ever thought Williams' teammates would back him up regarding something he claims was said to him? Is Williams sure the official didn't say "It's garbage day, so respect your mother for sure?"

It’s certainly possible that Carolina could go 3-0 against the Patriots and Saints in the next six weeks.

No, it's not. Let's pull back the reins a little bit. This seems to be the year of Peter King taking a small sample size and turning this sample size into a larger trend. He's taken the result of a few games and managed to try to extrapolate that into what "could" happen later in the year, when it is simply too presumptive. Carolina won a close, controversial game over the Patriots. Let's not hand them two victories over the Saints quite yet.

How important is home-field advantage in the NFC? Let’s examine the two prime contenders for the No. 1 seed—Seattle (10-1) and New Orleans (8-2)—over recent games. (I’m going to use New Orleans’ stats for this year only, because the absence of Sean Payton and the bounty scandal skews the 2012 numbers. But I’ll use 2012 and 2013 for Seattle, because the team has been basically the same for two seasons, without any football tornadoes ravaging the win-loss record.)

The only reliable data to be used here is data that Peter has manipulated to help prove his point. The 2013 Seattle team isn't really the same as the 2012 Seattle team, especially considering they have added Percy Harvin. Who am I to allow reality to mess with the data and main idea behind Peter's comparison though?

The point of this comparison is both teams are better home teams than road teams. The margin of victory is 13-17 points less for the Saints and Seahawks on the road as compared to their margin of victory at home.

Seattle could win at New Orleans. New Orleans could win at Seattle. But the edge for the home teams in their noisy venues is so big that it will be a major factor in January.

Yeah, it "could" happen. Just a few weeks ago Peter had Peyton Manning playing a wild card road game against the Patriots and that's not the position Manning and the Broncos are currently in. Peter is enjoying a little speculation this season.

First, the rules: By NFL bylaws, all players are tested for recreational drugs once a year, sometime in a 16-week period between April 20 and Aug. 9. If a player tests positive in that solitary test, he is eligible to be tested at random after that. If he is clean, he can do recreational drugs, such as marijuana, without fear of the league as long as he doesn’t exhibit any aberrant behavior or get caught publicly (as with Dwayne Bowe last week). So the vast majority of NFL players are able, as long as they behave, to smoke marijuana at will after the spring/summer test.

It's fine to smoke pot, just don't get caught. I wonder when it will be we found out this is the NFL's policy about PED's as well? It can't be long now until a big NFL PED scandal starts. Who am I kidding though? Human beings are naturally as strong and big as NFL players are. It's just all the hard work they put in that helps them look cut and sculpted.

Fine Fifteen

2. Seattle (10-1). Percy Harvin must love his new gig. Got his feet wet Sunday (one target, one catch, 17 yards) and now the Seahawks have a week off with the bye. What a country!

Because I'm sure Percy Harvin doesn't enjoy playing football and isn't chomping at the bit to get back on the field.

3. Kansas City (9-1). To those who would have the Chiefs plummet because of the loss last night, I ask you this: KC was a decided underdog, playing at Denver. If you rated the Chiefs low before the game, fine. If you rated them high and would drop them a few spots this morning, I am confused.

This from Peter King, the guy who had the Chiefs #1 in his Fine Fifteen for two straight weeks, then put the Chiefs #2 in the Fine Fifteen leading up to the Broncos-Chiefs game even though the Chiefs had a bye week and there was no logical reason to drop them from the top spot in the rankings at that point. So it's okay to drop the Chiefs a spot on their bye week, but dropping them a few spots after they lose a game is just crazy to Peter.

5. New Orleans (8-2). Drew Brees harped on turnovers, and not committing them. The Saints committed three—and still beat the Niners.

The 49ers committed one turnover and held the ball for 25 minutes of the game, so that didn't help their chances at victory.

8. San Francisco (6-4). Let’s see how they react to playing for the fifth seed. Hard to imagine they can finish any higher now.

It's time for Gregg Easterbrook to point out the read-option doesn't work anymore because the 49ers have lost two games in a row. When the 49ers are 11-5 and are a really strong fifth seed I don't think the 49ers players will care. The 49ers play Washington, St. Louis, Seattle, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, and Arizona to end the season. 11-5 is within reach with the Rams and Seahawks both having to come to San Francisco to play.

13. Arizona (6-4). Won three in a row. Carson Palmer with 660 passing yards in his last two (over 400 Sunday at Jacksonville). Not a coincidence.

The Cardinals have won three in a row over the Jaguars, Falcons and Texans. It's not a coincidence they have won three in a row playing those three teams.

15. Green Bay (5-5). You tell me how long Aaron Rodgers will be out, and I’ll tell you when I’ll re-insert the Pack among the relevant teams.

But Bob McGinn says the Packers have planned for Rodgers to be out for a while and they are one of the best prepared teams in the NFL should their starting quarterback get injured. Just put Seneca Wallace in there, he'll fix everything.

Offensive Players of the Week

Matt McGloin, quarterback, Oakland. How insane is football? McGloin was camp fodder, the fourth passer in camp for the Raiders, after not being drafted last April. On Sunday, he started an NFL game for Oakland, completed 18 of 32 passes for 197 yards, with three touchdowns and no interceptions, as Oakland stunned Houston 28-23.

Actually, if Peter had paid attention to the Raiders during the preseason he would know that McGloin looked really good in training camp, so good he beat out 2013 4th round pick Tyler Wilson for the 3rd QB spot. McGloin was camp fodder, but it was clear to the Raiders fairly quickly that McGloin could play.

Just watch him, and you see why he might have a chance to stick in the league. He’s confident, throws a good ball and looks like he has a chance to be accurate downfield.

Maybe you should have watched him in training camp, because these seem to be the reports that were coming out of Raiders camp. They did cut Tyler Wilson to give him the job and felt good enough to cut Matt Flynn and make McGloin the backup quarterback. How ironic would it be if the Raiders spent a 1st and 2nd round choice on Palmer, spent a supplemental draft choice on Pryor, spent late round picks for Flynn, a fourth round pick on Tyler Wilson, and then the best quarterback for the Raiders over the next few years is an undrafted player? I'm getting WAY ahead of myself, but I do appreciate a little irony if it should play out this way.

Greg Schiano, head coach, Tampa Bay. Three weeks ago, fans left Raymond James Stadium with bags over their heads after a dispiriting 31-13 loss to Carolina. Since then, with every fan leaving this season, and this head coach, for dead, the Bucs flew to Seattle and bolted to a 21-0 lead over the two-TD-favorite Seahawks before losing in overtime; beat Miami on a Thursday night; then, on Sunday, routed the woebegone Falcons 41-28. The Bucs are still paying for the sins of starting 0-8, for sure. But 2-8, and playing hard, feels hugely different than 0-8.

The Buccaneers are going to be the Chiefs of next year if they get a head coach in Tampa Bay that commands the respect of the players and gets the team on the right track. A new coach is all that is needed because there is a lot of talent on the roster.

Please move away from the windows and the front row of the press box. Severe weather is approaching.”

—A warning in the press box at Soldier Field Sunday, as a series of black clouds approached the 
stadium.
In other words, Those windows in front of you might get blown out. We’d like to keep you scribes around for the second half.

So naturally Peter began snapping pictures of the field. No, he really did. One of the pictures he took is in this week's MMQB.

“Absolutely not.”

—Indianapolis coach Chuck Pagano, asked Friday if the club had buyer’s remorse over trading its top draft choice in 2014 for Trent Richardson in September.

I realize Pagano can't tell the truth, but the Colts have to be having some sort of remorse over trading their 2014 1st round pick for Trent Richardson. It doesn't look like a very good trade at all.

The trade was two months ago today. While I am not ready to say it’s a debacle of a deal, Richardson has not done well in either making people miss or powering out of the grasp of tacklers at the line of scrimmage.

Trent Richardson didn't really make people miss or get out of the tacklers' grasp in Cleveland also and it was generally chalked up to playing behind a sub-par offensive line. I'm not against a team trading a first round pick for a running back or drafting a running back in the first round, but this trade doesn't look very good for the Colts right now. As I've said before, they are winning so no one notices right now, but be sure Bill Barnwell will do an entire column on the GM missteps made by Ryan Grigson as soon as the Colts start losing a few games in a row. Barnwell has to see a team start losing before he decides to pummel that team's GM for a few missteps...or at least that's how it seems.

“We’re going to stay patient,’’ said Pagano. “His numbers will come. His yards will come … We miss a block here or there and a guy is sitting there free in the hole. I don’t know if he’s snake bit, I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Trent Richardson isn't a very good running back. Also, running backs don't generally take time to adjust to running the football in the NFL. It's not like the quarterback or wide receiver position where a player might take a few seasons to start producing. Other than being good in pass protection, a running back usually doesn't take a couple of seasons to be ready to play at the NFL level.

Eight games is too early to call the Richardson trade a terrible one. But it’s not too early to start thinking it.

While I do think it is too early to call the Richardson trade a terrible one, his performance in Indianapolis is similar to his performance in Cleveland, only worse. So I don't think it looks very good for Richardson because he wasn't exactly a game breaker in Cleveland either and he seems to be trending the wrong way.

“I don’t think it will ever go away. Just that little chip. It’s not anger or resentment or anything like that. But it’s a little chip.”

—Saints quarterback Drew Brees, to me, on how he’ll always carry the feeling of the 2012 league sanctions over the Saints’ bounty scandal with him.

Drew Brees is insufferable. At least the Patriots had the decency to quietly steam behind the scenes about the Spygate sanctions placed on them by Roger Goodell rather than whining publicly like children for being punished for something the evidence appeared to point towards being true.

And also, that "little chip" is anger and resentment. Otherwise it wouldn't be a chip. Stop trying to defend your teammates who took bounties out on opposing quarterbacks while still trying to maintain your clean image as a nice guy. You are angry, just say it.

The killing of the president is one of my first vivid memories. For those too young to remember it (meaning most of you), I’d recommend getting educated about it this week. It was quite an extraordinary time in the country, an extraordinarily sad time.

Yes, Google it and you may one day learn about the JFK assassination and why it seems 45% of people who have the first name "John" have "Kennedy" as their middle name. You could also watch "JFK" by Oliver Stone and learn about the JFK assassination...or maybe go to school to learn about it.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week
 
I have five:

Oh, only five of them?

2. Thought I’d have a chance to try one of the autumnal Michigan brews during a meal stop at Ruby Tuesday’s in Grand Rapids.

A person is just setting themselves up for disappointment when they go searching for something outside of food at Ruby Tuesday's. I'm pretty sure this is in the Bible and/or the Koran. Peter is fishing in the wrong pond if he thinks he can find a good autumnal brew at Ruby Tuesday's.

Bell’s Brewery, maybe, from nearby Kalamazoo; the Winter White or the Octoberfest, maybe. Nope. Largely chain beer, except for one Brooklyn selection. There’s a thriving Michigan beer culture, and none of it here. Why, Ruby Tuesday’s? Why?

Because it's a chain restaurant that wants to sell popular beers, food and liquor and aren't in the business of being known for their vast beer selection. I don't know why Peter would think Ruby Tuesday's would have a vast beer selection.

3. Killed two flies in my room and relocated a ladybug from the room desk in the Chicago O’Hare Marriott over the weekend. What’s that all about?

Maybe you need to take a shower? Obviously these insects don't know that you are the great Peter King, they had no business being in your room, and they should travel down the hall to the room of middle class people who won't be disgusted by the sight of insects in their room because they are so poor.

Insects have no place anywhere near Peter King. At least the free coffee was delicious at the O'Hare Marriott, though Peter did go to the lobby to try some of the Chicago beer culture and the O'Hare didn't have any local beers. Why, O'Hare Marriott, why?

5. Passed a nut shop in the O’Hare terminal Saturday advertising toffee-covered nuts, calling them “luxurious.” Synonyms for “luxurious’’ in my online dictionary: opulent, extravagant, palatial. Never really thought of a toffee-covered nut as opulent or palatial, but maybe that’s just me.

I've never used the term precocious repeatedly to describe adult men, so to each his own I guess.

“Marcus Mariota in 2013: 25TD, 0 INT.
“Nick Foles in 2013: 16TD, 0 INT.
“Think Chip Kelly’s offense works?’’
 
—@nfldraftscout, Matt Miller, NFL writer for Bleacher Report, on Saturday night.

Now all of a sudden because the Eagles are winning games Chip Kelly's offense works in the NFL again. It's amazing how just a few weeks ago he was being counted out, but now he's an offensive genius again.

“President Kennedy 50 years ago today was at home in Palm Beach-attended church, watched @ChicagoBears v @packers, screened film ‘Tom Jones.’ ”

—@BeschlossDC, presidential historian Michael Beschloss, on Sunday, documenting how John F. Kennedy spent the last Sunday of his life 50 years ago.

Peter King is very serious about commemorating the 50th anniversary of JFK's death. I hope he knows that Chris Matthews currently is the Peter King to JFK's Brett Favre, so Peter needs to back off Matthews' man.

Ten Things I Think I Think
 
1. I think this is what I liked about Week 11:
 
a. Great point by Raiders beat man Steve Corkran: “Matt McGloin went from camp arm in late April to Raiders starting QB on Sunday. No way anyone saw that happening.”

Yeah, probably not, but it wasn't entirely out of the blue. I didn't pay much attention to the Raiders during Training Camp, but everything I did hear involved Matt McGloin looking very impressive and it was constantly stated the Raiders were going to have to find a way to get him on the roster.

h. So Nick Foles wasn’t a big star Sunday. He also didn’t make a big mistake.

Okay. Take it easy. I'm not sure who is criticizing Nick Foles for not playing well. No need to get defensive about it.

l. A 31-point quarter against Cleveland. Now that’s something I didn’t think would happen to these Browns. Defensive and special-teams touchdowns helped.

Considering the Bengals picked up three first downs in the first half, I would say that defensive and special teams touchdowns did help the Bengals have a 31-point quarter.

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 11:

a. The Steelers’ throwup uniforms. I mean, their throwback uniforms.
 
b. If Dan and Art Rooney look at those prison uniforms and do anything but wretch, I’d be stunned.
 
c. Please don’t humor the Steelers by giving your Steeler fan friend one of those things for the holidays.

Shouldn't this all be one topic as opposed to three separate topics? Peter hasn't changed topics, yet he puts each thought next to a new letter of the alphabet. I'm not sure that's how an outline is supposed to work.

j. Live by the Stafford, die by the Stafford.

I see what you did there, Peter. But didn't Stafford's fake spike against the Cowboys hail the beginning of a brand new Matthew Stafford? I think that's what I was lead to believe as Peter King wrote so admiringly just a few weeks ago. It seems Stafford hasn't changed. Who woulda thunk it?

3. I think this is the moral of the story in the Ed Reed-being-cut-by-Houston-after-making-$5.4-million-for-275-mostly-invisible-snaps debacle: It’s okay to pay for a name and leadership in a veteran player who is far over the hill … but base the pay on performance. For Reed, the Texans were a gold watch before retirement. But instead of Swiss Army, he was a Rolex, and after his recent dip in performance with the Ravens, Houston just paid him too much. In a tight-cap era, with too many stars on defense to pay already, Reed, at his age, was too luxurious.

Says Peter King using his masterful grasp of hindsight. I remember Peter being very concerned this offseason that the Ravens were losing their veteran leadership on defense (which is a valid concern), but at no point do I recall Peter mentioning that this was a smart move and Reed was "far over the hill" or anything of the like.

4. I think the American sports media fired Greg Schiano too early.

He's won two games this year. I think Peter King is overstating how not-fired Greg Schiano should be. I get it. Schiano is one of Peter's boys from Rutgers, but I don't know if winning four or five games is enough to help Schiano keep his job. What may help Schiano keep his job is the Buccaneers don't want to pay three more years of his contract and then pay for a new head coach.

6. I think you may never hear it from Ben Tate, because he’s not the kind to talk about his pain. But the man has four cracked ribs, and he got crunched solidly by the Raiders three or four times Sunday, including one accordion tackle that made me cringe. Nineteen carries for 88 yards, in this dirge of a Houston season … pretty impressive.

Ben Tate is running for a new contract after this season. He isn't running with cracked ribs because he really likes the Texans organization and team. He knows this is his chance with Foster injured to show what he can do and he won't let four cracked ribs hold him back. I doubt it's about the team anymore than it is about wanting to get paid after this season.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

e. I’ll ask you nicely, college football: Stop with the timeout after first downs. Some of these games … interminable.

Says the guy who this week wrote in praising fashion about an NFL game that went nearly six hours due to a long delay for the weather. College football games are long, but it's not like NFL games are excessively shorter.

Let's look at some of these non-football thoughts of Peter's:

b. Also on that three-man Hightower crew, as a warmup to his ref stint Sunday at Soldier Field: Gene Steratore.
 
c. Duke is 8-2. The football team.
 
d. Please don’t wear those uniforms again, Northwestern. They hurt the eyes.
 
e. I’ll ask you nicely, college football: Stop with the timeout after first downs. Some of these games … interminable.
 
f. Headline someone at CNN would like to have back after the state of Illinois was ravaged by more than 50 twisters: “Tornadoes touch down in Illinois; Bears game interrupted.”

So are these really non-football related thoughts? They seem to be very much related to football in my opinion. 

g. Coffeenerdness: Bring the maple oat nut scone back, Starbucks. Don’t make me beg.

Don't make Peter tear your entire corporation a new asshole in MMQB because you won't let him have his way! Give Peter King what he wants or face the wrath of him acting like a child in order to get what he wants!

h. Beernerdness: I had no new ones this week. I simply must try harder.

Or not go to Ruby Tuesday's and expect to try new beer selections. 

The Adieu Haiku

And then there were none.
Buoniconti pops champagne.
Perfection is safe.

If only the Chiefs could have played teams with lousy records all season they could have been like the 1972 Dolphins and gone perfect over an entire NFL season. 

3 comments MMQB Review: Jabari Greer Tells an Inspiring Story, But Doesn't Understand the Story of David and Goliath

Chris Kluwe wrote MMQB last week and regaled us all with stories of what it is like to be an NFL player who gets released, encouraged us all to take a cross-country trip at some point so that we may have the perspective on the world he now has, and described the changes he would make in the Pro Football Hall of Fame voting process to allow a specific spot for a specialist like a punter or kicker. I'm not entirely sure putting aside a certain spot where Hall of Fame voters can vote in a kicker or punter separate from offensive/defensive players would result in more specialists being elected into the Hall of Fame. It still comes down to voters believing a kicker or punter is as worthy as an offensive/defensive player for the Hall of Fame honor. This week in MMQB, Jabari Greer desperately tries to get an "A" in creative writing by telling an allegorical tale, as well as informs us about the state of mind in the New Orleans Saints locker room after being wrongfully persecuted for the bounty scandal. When Greer starts telling a story about two seeds it starts to make me miss Peter King a little bit.

Each summer in the searing sun of southern Louisiana, 90 men leave their individual life behind and dream of becoming one.

So the Saints are going to use 90 players on defense this year to try and stop the opposing team from accumulating over 6000 yards of offense on them? I'm not sure the NFL will allow this, but the Saints haven't ever really cared about the rules anyway, so why stop now?

The goal is simple:

Find someone, anyone, who can tackle the opposing team's ball carrier. I'm just kidding of course. The goal is to injure the quarterback for the opposing team using money as an incentive and then act like they are wrongfully being persecuted when they are caught doing this. But Drew Brees knows NOTHING about this I tell you. NOTHING! It's news to him.

forsake yourself for the fortune of group,

Incur a penalty for roughing the passer, but make sure the opposing team's quarterback is out of the game. That's all that matters. Forsake yourself, but get Brett Favre out of the NFC Championship Game.

rise above the immediate trials of the time, and become timeless. 

Which is what the Saints defense was able to do last season. They became timeless and historical. They gave up the most yards in a single season in NFL history. Hey, it's hard to play defense when you don't have a few hundred bucks motivating you to injure opposing players. Tackling gets boring and old, but the 2012 Saints team WAS timeless. So mission accomplished.

The summer progresses, the heat intensifies and the number of men sacrificing together dwindle;

Players start dwindling? You can't turn on yourselves like that! Just because you can't intentionally injure opposing players doesn't mean you should cannibalize your own team by injuring your teammates. Stop the madness.

This is the life of a New Orleans Saint preparing for the season, and if you are one of the 53 few chosen, this is the place you want to be.

Especially if you are an offensive player and the Saints are the next team on your schedule.

Coming into this season, like every season before, there is a sense of promise.

I have no promise for my favorite team. I know they will go 8-8 and I'm fine with that. I just miss football.

If you take a poll of all 32 teams, 32 of them will believe that there is something different about this year's chances; the offseason breeds hope, but only when hope is challenged, does resolve flourish.

What the hell are you talking about? Only when hope is challenged, does resolve flourish? Does Jabari Greer write taglines for bad science-fiction movies? I feel like this is the tagline for "Starship Troopers 7." Resolve can flourish even when hope isn't challenged. I think some people like to put a bunch of words together that sound deep, but they don't entirely think about what they are saying or writing and whether what they are saying or writing makes complete sense.

The 2012 New Orleans Saints season was well documented, from the loss of Sean Payton, our coach; to the rest of the sanctions dealt to our program in the alleged bounty case;

The NFL found the Saints guilty of placing bounties on opposing players and all of the actors have already been punished. There's nothing "alleged" about it at this point. It's thought to have happened and those responsible have been punished. The bounty case is no more "alleged" at this point than Bernie Madoff was alleged to have run a Ponzi Scheme. If you don't agree with the bounty decision just say "in the bounty case," but there's nothing "alleged" about now. It happened and it isn't alleged by those who have the authority to consider it fact, instead the Saints culpability in a bounty program is considered fact.

What was not told in the headlines or on the news, however, was the spirit of our men in the locker room. Experiencing an unprecedented ordeal in the history of the NFL, our men never wavered. Although our spirit wasn't reflected in the final score of nine of our games, we endured Goliath's wrath last season, and now Goliath has to pay.

Oh my God, what an attitude of victimization Jabari Greer has. Right, the Saints are David, not Goliath. The Saints, a team coming off a Super Bowl win in 2009 and has made the playoffs three out of the last four seasons are the underdog team who is trying to come back from Goliath's wrath. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...sounds like someone can't take responsibility for his actions. The team that intentionally tried to injure other NFL players and has recently won a Super Bowl, this team is the underdog David. The teams that amassed over 6000 yards on the Saints defense and were on the receiving end of the Saints bounty program, now those teams are the big bad Goliath who forced the Saints to endure their wrath. Of course. It doesn't sound like Jabari Greer has a victim mentality at all, does it? Oh, you were the wronged one Jabari Greer. How dare the other NFL teams abuse such a pitiful little helpless Saints defense last year by playing football and not just laying down late in the game so the Saints don't get their feelings hurt by how they can't stop the opposing team.

I understand athletes aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but this bullshit victimization isn't even about intelligence. It's about willfully ignoring the actions of the Saints team and trying to make the Saints seem like victims. I'm not even talking about the bounty scandal, but I'm simply talking about all the times the Saints have run up the score on opposing teams to attain personal records. You know, how Sean Payton had Drew Brees continue to throw the football on Monday Night Football two years ago against the Falcons, after the game was in hand, so Brees could achieve a personal record on national television. Payton did this despite the fact the Saints had a home game the very next week and Brees could have broken this personal record at home then. But no, Sean Payton had to allow Brees to run up the score on the Falcons on national television and break the record. Then, the next week Payton kept Darren Sproles in the game long enough to break a record and continued to run up the score in that game against Carolina. I have no problems with teams running up the score, but I don't feel bad for the Saints and only the most dimwitted of idiots could even pretend the Saints haven't been an NFL Goliath over the past five years. What's good for the Saints to do is good for the Saints to have done to them. Sorry Jabari Greer, if there was a team that deserved to have 6000 yards of offense put on them it was the New Orleans Saints. They Saints have put up some big offensive numbers on opposing teams over the last five years. It's not like the Saints have ever tried to spare the feelings of others teams when putting up points. Stop the victimization bullshit and own up to what you are.

I can't stand it when someone acts like a victim and that person has no cause to act that way. The Saints are the Goliath much more than they can be considered David.

So forgive me if I sound the trumpet of preseason enthusiasm.

You sound like you don't have a ton of perspective on the situation. That's all.

This year holds no promise of a better timbre for the orchestra that is the Saints; but now, in our coach, we have our first chair back, and he has brought in a badass sax player in defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, some new songs and some new steps.

Rob Ryan the noted defensive fixer. He has fixed the defense for the...umm...well, one season with the Raiders in 2006 his defense did well. But his last name is "Ryan" that has to count for something doesn't it? Even some Saints fans appear to see Ryan's hire is based more on his name than his actual production as a defensive coordinator. That article was written before Ryan was hired by the Saints and the author's opinion seems pretty accurate. The Saints went after a "name" coordinator and Rob Ryan is excellent at talking and promising results that sometimes never come. Fortunately, the Saints still have a fantastic quarterback in Drew Brees. Hopefully he won't have to carry the team again this year.

although the goal is simple, and hope profuse, becoming timeless is going to take a lot of work.

I get the feeling Jabari Greer is trying to use big words. I'm sure he is a smart guy, but don't try to show off your vocabulary.
 
And now for a story ...

Is everyone ready for a parable? Good, you better be. I feel like Jabari Greer should just write in MMQB,

"Listen everyone, I'm really not the stereotype of a stupid athlete. I promise I'm not,"

as opposed to trying to use big words and using an allegorical story to convey a message he wants to send.

I'll wrap the story up pretty quick for you and I apologize for leaving out much of the imagery. I know most of you read MMQB to hear parables and life lessons so I apologize for skipping over most of it.

My friend and I cared deeply for our two seeds, and out of exhilaration decided to return home as champions.

As I entered the house, my father greeted me. I opened my hand slowly, revealing my seed, and at once my father's face beamed with joy. "My son, this is the Seed of Destiny," he said, "given as a gift by the Gardener to one chosen for the task." I was given precise instructions to wash it off and place it under my pillow. As I prepared for bed, after thanking the Gardener for this gift, I blew out my light. The luminescence from my seed filled my room, creating amazement in my mind and peace of purpose in my soul; I closed my eyes, and at once I was asleep.

The seed I loved, once smooth and manageable, over time had become jagged and course, almost unbearable to carry. Content with my effort, I put my seed down and walked away. My father, returning home to see my seed jagged and alone, summoned me to the table. "Son, although our destinies can sometimes become rough and seemingly unmanageable, we must strengthen our grip. Although painful at first, our hands callous and contour into a strong support, giving a firm foundation for something so special." He asked me to hold my hand out across the table, placed the jagged seed in my palm, and used his callous hands to close mine. Applying tremendous pressure to my grip, he assured me of my own strength; the excruciating pain drew blood from my hands, tears from my eyes, and a smile from my heart.

After many years passed, I returned to the land of my youth. Although I had left a young man, inexperienced, and oft naïve; I returned inspired, while once my seed was thought to be the solution to life's problems, it had become weathered, beaten and almost broken by the torrential winds of life. I had to become firmly rooted in the lessons I had learned, and truths I had found.

My seed continues to comfort me with a patience that only a few understand. I reminisce on my father's wisdom, not fully understood until now: "Son, our trees must be strong, with roots locking our foundation securely in love, and we must provide not only home for fowl but a place of respite to the weary. It is in your shade that your children will find their seeds, and they will climb your sturdy branches and tell you secrets in a time you will never visit. And when the wind blows ... we can tell them stories of a place they've never known."

So there's the story. See? Jabari Greer has proven he isn't the typical stupid, uneducated athlete. He still uses "alleged" when discussing the Saints bounty program, so maybe he is willfully stupid when it's convenient for him.

Although I use allegory in explaining the story of the two seeds, the principles I wanted to express in this Monday Morning Quarterback are in harmony with the task set before us this day. Monday is a day in which we start new, and we often compound the expectations and tasks facing us, even before realizing that our own seeds still scream to be cultivated.

Stop smoking pot, man. It's making you write and think funny.

We must be the shade to the oppressed, the Fatherless and the poor. We must be the encouraging catalyst to the young who come after us, seeds in hand and full of promise. With their seed, we must cup their hand and apply great force.

See, if someone said this all to me it would sound like they were asking for money. Is Jabari Greer asking for money? I ain't giving him no tree-fiddy.

For out a river of pain,
Their passions shall flow.
no one understands me.

I mean this in the nicest possible way without the snark I've used the rest of this post. This doesn't make sense to me. So "out of a river of pain, their passions shall flow" and then it ends with "no one understands me"? Is this a Fall Out Boy lyric or something? Perhaps I'm just not smart enough to understand, but I can't see how we go from "their passions shall flow" to "no one understands me."

Great, thanks Jabari Greer. Now I have "No One Understands" by Bayside in my head. Thanks, you have me singing emo songs. 

Ten Things I Think I Think

This is as opposed to the rest of this MMQB, which also consisted of Jabari Greer relaying what he thinks. 

1. I think that you guys will read the Two Seeds story, and get to the tagline of "no one understands me," and some of you will invariably reply, "I don't get it?"

The fact that some people may not get it doesn't mean there is anything to be gotten. It's not necessarily deep nor does it have more meaning because some people don't get it. In fact, it very well could mean the tagline of "no one understands me" is just pure gibberish. I could write a incoherent poem and then say "I bet no one gets this" and it doesn't mean my poem is too smart or meaningful for some people. There's a chance my poem just may not make sense.

2. I think that the nation's sidewalk-sign-twirlers should look into getting a union. I consider that a high risk, low reward gig. Nobody should tear a rotator cuff flipping a sign promoting ½ price off haircuts for kids*.

I know Greer is trying to be funny, but that's a little rude, no? Sidewalk-sign-twirlers do have a low reward gig, but I sort of feel like Greer is making fun of these people a little bit when talking about them tearing a rotator cuff flipping the sign. How about writing an allegorical story about not being a dick?

4. I think one of the most confusing comments I sometimes hear when I'm with my children in a restaurant is, "Oh, you're such a good daddy, I wish there were more like you."

Really? More what? More men who realized that they are too lazy to make pancakes on Saturday, so instead pay twice the market value to have someone else make them?

Or they could be talking about men who take the time to treat their children to breakfast out at a restaurant. Going out to a restaurant isn't about trying to have someone else make you food at below the market value at which you could make that food. Nobody goes out to eat to try and beat the market. Going out to eat is nice because you don't have to cook the food and usually the food tastes better than the food you cook. These people who say this wish there were more parents who took the time to treat their children out to a nice breakfast. Don't be so touchy.

Another comment I often hear is, "Your children are so well-behaved."

I wonder how Greer is going to be offended by people who try to give his family this compliment?

"Why wouldn't my kids be well-behaved? Just because I'm a pro athlete it means my children should be terrible and unruly in public?"

5. I think, when writing comedy, the best place to look for conflict is the waffle house during the morning rush. There should be a reality show called Hot off the Grill: Drama in the Waffle House.

Absolutely hilarious.

6. I think the worst place to rush to the restroom is at a Cracker Barrel. If you're trying to picture what it's like, think less NASCAR, more bumper cars.

For someone who doesn't like the idea of going out to eat and paying twice the market value for breakfast that someone else is making, it sure seems like Jabari Greer visits a hell of a lot of breakfast restaurants doesn't it? It seems he is one of those "do as I say, not as I do" type people. It's no big deal to go out to eat for breakfast, but don't get all indignant and pissy when someone says they wish there were more fathers like you who take their children out to eat for breakfast. It seems like Greer likes to take his family out to breakfast, because he has a lot of thoughts on the atmosphere at breakfast restaurants.

8. I think no matter how insightful, inspirational or moving my writing may be, I'll always hear it from Falcons fans:

"Loved the article, but I hope that Roddy White 'drops his seed' on ya'll Week 1! Rise Up!"

Trying not to be mean...but this column is supposed to be inspirational and moving? This is MMQB. I'm not trying to be motivated. I'm trying to talk about the NFL.

9. I think I have been truly blessed to know Steve Gleason.

Man, Peter King does like to have New Orleans Saints players and coaches guest write his MMQB doesn't he? He had Jabari Greer and Steve Gleason guest write this year and Sean Payton guest wrote MMQB a few years ago. It's good thing Peter has tried hard not to piss off the Saints organization, because otherwise he would have no one to guest write MMQB.

10. I think if you met me for coffee, the last thing you would think I did professionally was play football.

I would actually think the last thing you did was be a poet, but I would also be sure not to comment on you being a good father for taking your kids out to get breakfast and coffee. I wouldn't want you to jump down my throat and try to hurt me for being a good dad when we are both paying above market value for coffee and hash browns. Not that Jabari Greer would ever hurt anyone, but we "allegedly" know how those New Orleans Saints defenders can be when it comes to money.