On Brett Favre's helmet
beer falls, and the cup crumples.
Sideline in autumn.
So began the very first Tuesday Morning Quarterback, a dozen seasons ago. In the intervening years, these trends have held:
• Each year the asides wander farther afield.
And more pointless. Don't forget more pointless!• Each year the readership grows larger.
Very depressing to think about.
• Each year the jokes don't get any better.
They are pretty much the same jokes that were told the previous year, so I wouldn't expect them to necessarily get any better.
• And each year begins with America's original all-haiku NFL season predictions. Here they are for 2012.
I probably say this every time I post a TMQ, but this is my least favorite TMQ of the year. Nothing says, "I don't care to read this" like a mixture of Gregg Easterbrook writing about sports and memories of high school when my English teachers would angrily force the entire class to write a haiku about a given topic when we all hated haikus.
Texas A&M
with cheer-babes not Yell Leaders.
Miami Dolphins.
Forecast finish: 5-11
This doesn't make sense. Texas A&M does have Yell Leaders. They don't have cheerleaders (or "cheer-babes" as Gregg so creepily puts it), they have Yell Leaders. So to say Texas A&M doesn't have Yell Leaders is incorrect.
Then this year came "Why Women Still Can't Have It All," a cover by Anne-Marie Slaughter, a Princeton dean and recent State Department official. Slaughter filled 14 magazine pages with angst about how despite a high-paying super-elite job with lifetime tenure, personal connections in the White House and a husband who does the child care, despite writing about herself for the cover of the world's most important magazine, nevertheless she feels troubled that every moment of her days is not precisely what she wants.
Women like this will soon learn they indeed can't have it all, just as men reached this conclusion a few decades ago. Attempting to have it all and attain perfection will only serve to annoy and frustrate a person until that person is forced to finally admit "having it all" is overrated and trying to find happiness with what you have is underrated.
That's our moment of zen and clarity for the day. Articles about how a certain gender "can't have it all" only serve to irritate me. It's just an excuse for a writer to complain about how troubled his/her life can be, while handing out an air of superiority over his/her readers.
But "all" never meant a woman could have everything she wants at every second without ever facing hard choices or bending over to pick up a piece of laundry. Men can't "have it all" in that sense either. No one has ever "had it all" and no one ever will.
Don't piss on their parade Gregg. It's also a fun and lazy mantra that television writers can use to write female characters who are insufferable in their complaining about how hard the lives they have chosen truly can be and forms a built-in excuse for mistakes made in life. Few episodes (or the movies) of "Sex and the City" could have ever be produced without this "I want to have it all, but I just can't" mantra at the center of most episodes.
I'm such a sucker. The more Gregg's asides tend to wander, the more I tend to chase those asides and comment on them.
But though TMQ thinks the NFL should give on the NFLRA's money requests, if I were a zebra, I would be nervous about the season starting with replacement officials. Everyone assumes the replacements will make boneheaded mistakes that embarrass the league. What if their performance is fine? Then ditch the NFLRA and keep the new guys.
I can't see a situation where the replacement officials perform well. They are going to be under so much pressure and every single call they make is going to be analyzed for accuracy. So when a call is made wrong, it will be blown up and used as one more example of why the NFL should cave to the regular NFL officials. NFL officials will miss calls on occasion and they will be criticized when they miss calls. The perception of incompetency will be magnified when the replacement officials miss a call. The replacement officials are less experienced to the speed of NFL players and when they miss a call it will only serve as an example to prove their incompetency and how the NFL is suffering without competent officials. The combination of the replacement officials' lack of experience and the attention any incorrect calls will receive causes me to think perhaps even if the replacement officials performance is fine, they will be viewed more critically even if their performance is only slightly below the performance of the regular officials.
Recall the 1981 PATCO strike. An air traffic controllers union walked in violation of a no-strike agreement. Ronald Reagan fired PATCO members who refused his order to return to work. Everyone thought the replacement controllers would do a terrible job, and instead they did fine. PATCO members then relented and asked to return to their high-paying cushy jobs, but it was too late.
Air traffic controllers need to be skilled, but there is a difference in replacement air traffic controllers and replacement officials. The difference is that the replacement air traffic controllers were given time to be trained to improve their skills, while the replacement officials won't be allowed a year to improve their officiating skills before calling NFL games. After the 1981 strike, it took ten years for the overall staffing levels to return to normal. Not to mention, the controllers were fired and banned from federal service for life. That's part of the reason the controllers couldn't get their cushy jobs back. Naturally, Gregg neglects to mention this. The NFL can't cut the number of games they play or slow down the games temporarily over a couple year span for the replacement officials to catch up and adapt to the faster NFL players. So replacement officials will have to keep the level of officiating at the normal standard immediately and won't have the benefit of time to get used to the speed of the game at the NFL level.
Hines Ward outruns blast
in "Rises." Can't outrun time.
The Pittsburgh Steelers.
Forecast finish: 12-4
Ward is retired now. I don't know what this has to do with the 2012 Steelers.
Drop Texas QB
for Oklahoma QB.
The Browns (3.1).
Forecast finish: 4-12
Again, being nitpicky...Brandon Weeden is from Oklahoma, but he went to Oklahoma State and not the University of Oklahoma. Since there is a University of Oklahoma, who also happens to be the Texas Longhorns biggest rival (where Colt McCoy went), this haiku could only serve to confuse a reader who may think the Browns replaced a quarterback from the University of Texas with a quarterback from the University of Oklahoma. I do realize it is a losing proposition to analyze Gregg's haikus, but I have always had a soft spot for losing propositions.
Last season Pulaski Academy punted once, and won the state title.
They also won a state title in 2003 before they decided not punting the football was an effective strategy. Two straight weeks Gregg leaves this important point out of TMQ in effort to mislead his readers.
To open its 2012 campaign, Pulaski flew all the way to Los Angeles to face Chaminade Prep, a traditional power.
"We led by three with 2:06 remaining and had a runner break into the clear for a first down," Kelley reports. "If he'd just gone to his knee, we would have run out the clock. But even NFL players have trouble doing that calculation in their heads at game speed. Instead he tried for more yards, and fumbled.
If this were an NFL game then Gregg would blame the me-first running back for trying to pad his own statistics by getting an extra yard or two and then blame the head coach for not teaching his players to get down on the ground to run the clock out. Verily, because he likes Kevin Kelley, Gregg doesn't blame him for his running back not going to the ground to run the clock out and doesn't blame the running back for trying to pad his statistics.
Granted, this is a high school football player versus an NFL player, but the idea of coaching a player to be aware of the clock and Gregg's usual speculation a player only cares about padding his statistics by gaining an extra yard or two should still remain because the player's intent remained the same.
Pulaski never punted, going for it seven times but converting only twice. "For several years we have converted 50 percent of our fourth downs, so I expect the law of averages to swing back our way," Kelley said.
Gregg was fine with the outcome not being a positive for Pulaski. They lost the game and converted only two first downs on fourth down. Gregg is fine with this because he has a point to prove about going for it on fourth down. If an NFL team went for it on fourth down seven times and failed two times, Gregg would have criticism for the type play that team ran on fourth down. Since Gregg likes Kevin Kelley and his success helps prove his point that teams need to go for it on fourth down nearly every single possession as correct, Gregg can accept the law of averages as a reason for why a strategy failed when it pertains to a strategy that Gregg supports. If an NFL team uses a strategy Gregg doesn't support then he bases his criticism entirely on the outcome of that strategy.
If the Atlanta Falcons go for it on fourth down and don't get the first down, then the law of averages won't swing back the Falcons way in Gregg's opinion, it was just a bad play call.
All have done lately
is run of 21-2.
The Green Bay Packers.
Forecast finish: 13-3
The Packers are also on a 0-2 streak in home playoff games and haven't won a game since January 1. I can provide misleading and cherry-picked statistics too.
The league's worst offense.
Maybe should punt on first down.
The Jacksonville Jags.
Forecast finish: 2-14
The Jaguars should never punt. Punting, no matter the situation, is always a losing tactic that tells a team the head coach isn't serious about winning the game.
Were 4-4. Signed
Haynesworth. Then went 0-8.
Tampa Buccaneers.
Forecast finish: 3-13
I am sure there is a correlation between the Buccaneers signing Haynesworth and losing their next eight games. Haynesworth got released back in February, so how are the Buccaneers going to lose thirteen games if Haynesworth isn't on the roster anymore? He was the reason they were losing, right? So if he isn't on the roster this year then the Bucs should win plenty of games.
Tuesday Morning Quarterback was delighted that this summer's Pro Football Hall of Fame class contained four linemen, one running back and one defensive back -- no quarterback! All the Hall of Fame need do is cleave to this ratio for a decade and the linemen/quarterback problem will be corrected.
And we all know the entire purpose of the Pro Football Hall of Fame is to ensure each position is represented at an equal ratio. So who cares if there are eligible and worthy quarterback candidates, let's leave those guys out to make sure the ratio of linemen to quarterbacks is corrected. It's sports socialism at it's best.
Six straight losses last
season -- yet Norv's job secure.
San Diego Bolts.
Forecast finish: 8-8
Turner's job is secure because he has a 49-31 record with the Chargers. Turner certainly isn't the best head coach in the NFL, but he seems to have done a fairly good job with the Chargers, and that's why his job is secure.
The rules require the fleet-average of new cars to rise from the present federal standard of 27.5 MPG to 54.5 MPG by 2025. Aside from the absurd precision of such figures,
How the hell is tenths of a mile per gallon "absurd precision?" Why is Gregg so feeble-minded that he must have numbers rounded perfectly to the closest mile per gallon? I have never understood Gregg's fascination with calling numbers rounded to the tenths of a gallon as absurd. These 27.5 and 54.5 MPG numbers come from repeated fill-ups over a long period of time. Representing these numbers to the tenth of a gallon isn't really absurd at all.
Gregg's typical hypocrisy is on display here. He criticizes the absurd precision of using 27.5 MPG, but is fine with telling us the average NFL play gains 5.4 yards. As always, the rules Gregg sets don't apply if he doesn't want them to. A team should go for it on fourth down, unless a team doesn't get the first down in which case going for it on fourth down was a bad move.
A reader bids farewell to "Terra Nova" in haiku:
Zap! Rawrrrr! Blam! Smooch. Plot??????????????
Cash vanishes through portal:
Terra Nova, poof.
-- Joseph LoSasso, Tampa, Fla.
So THAT'S who reads TMQ and likes haikus. Honestly, if you asked me whether someone named "Joseph LoSasso" liked TMQ, I would give an emphatic "yes." It just seems like the person behind the name "Joseph LoSasso" would enjoy TMQ.I thought I would end this post with my 2012 NFL Predictions. I realize one game has been played already, but that result won't have an impact on my predictions.
AFC East
New England Patriots: 14-2 (#1 seed)
Buffalo Bills: 10-6 (#6 seed)
New York Jets: 6-10
Miami Dolphins: 3-13
AFC South
Tennessee Titans: 10-6 (#4 seed)
Houston Texans: 9-7
Indianapolis Colts: 6-10
Jacksonville Jaguars: 5-11
AFC North
Baltimore Ravens: 12-4 (#2 seed)
Pittsburgh Steelers: 10-6
Cincinnati Bengals: 7-9
Cleveland Browns: 4-12
AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs: 11-5 (#3 seed)
Denver Broncos: 10-6 (#5 seed)
San Diego Chargers: 8-8
Oakland Raiders: 5-11
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys: 11-5 (#3 seed)
New York Giants: 9-7
Washington Redskins: 6-10
Philadelphia Eagles: 6-10
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons: 13-3 (#1 seed)
Carolina Panthers: 10-6 (#6 seed)
New Orleans Saints: 7-9
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 5-11
NFC North
Green Bay Packers: 12-4 (#2 seed)
Chicago Bears: 10-6 (#5 seed)
Detroit Lions: 7-9
Minnesota Vikings: 2-14
NFC West
Seattle Seahawks: 10-6 (#4 seed)
San Francisco 49ers: 8-8
St. Louis Rams: 7-9
Arizona Cardinals: 3-13
AFC Playoffs
Buffalo Bills over Kansas City Chiefs, Denver Broncos over Tennessee Titans
New England Patriots over Buffalo Bills, Baltimore Ravens over Denver Broncos
New England Patriots over Denver Broncos
NFC Playoffs
Dallas Cowboys over Carolina Panthers, Seattle Seahawks over Chicago Bears
Atlanta Falcons over Seattle Seahawks, Dallas Cowboys over Green Bay Packers
Green Bay Packers over Atlanta Falcons
Super Bowl
New England Patriots over Dallas Cowboys
I already hate my picks.
