T.J. Simers only exists in order to be a troll and all-around asshole. He has repeatedy taken on the city of Memphis for not being as great as the city of Los Angeles. Who takes on the city of Memphis for anything but negative attention? Simers is most famously known for interviewing professional athletes and asking them the most baiting and emotion-provoking questions possible. He did it to Marcus Thames twice, Matt Treanor once, and even attacked his own colleagues. Don't forget his epic dismissal of the women's World Cup soccer team. He's useless as a human being and it is a travesty that the "Los Angeles Times" supports him by employing him, but that's the world we live in. Simers brings pageviews which brings revenue. Over the past few weeks Simers has taken to asking Josh Hamilton and Mark McGwire annoying questions that are only designed to get a rise out of them. Fortunately (well, unfortunately because I wouldn't mind seeing either of them get in Simers' face) they didn't take the bait. It's the same shit that T.J. Simers always pulls and miraculously no courageous athlete has punched him in the face yet.
I will start with Simers baiting Josh Hamilton and asking him why he smiles so much.
Uh-oh, we've got another smiler.
This catches on and we won't have any athletes around town who appear as if they give a rip.
Dwight Howard, meet Josh Hamilton.
These two players are exactly alike. There are no differences between them.
"I've had people screaming at me when I'm at the plate, 'Wipe that smile off your face,''' said the Angels bust.
This is journalism, people. Wonderful, wild (shitty) journalism. Josh Hamilton is better known as "the Angels bust." Regardless of whether that is true or not, this isn't a case of T.J. Simers "telling it like it is," but just trying really hard to be a dick and get pageviews. There's no need to write that Hamilton is a bust other than to get a rise out of Hamilton and those who read this column.
Hamilton gets any more relaxed and he really will be an automatic out.
He stands casually in the batter's box holding his bat like he's waiting
for the next slow-pitch softball to arrive.
Because Simers has nothing if not an athlete's physique so he knows the best way to hit a baseball is to not relax and press really hard to do well. It's just a matter of trying harder of course. That's all.
At least Howard works up a sweat.
There is a difference in baseball and basketball. The sports require different amounts of sweating.
It's never good when the fans seem to care more than the guys competing to win or lose.
The fans always seem to care more than the guys competing to win or lose. This is an absurd point. Fans are sometimes irrational. They are capable of overreacting and seeming to care much more than athletes often care. It's not a sign of anything that the fans care more than the players. Caring more and trying harder doesn't always lead to a player performing at a high level.
"I know the game is based on results and the world wants to see
results. But if I can take that out of the equation, play hard and
prepare to the best of my abilities, the results are going to be
there.''
He's right; it sounds bad.
Hamilton preceded this comment by saying,
"I know this is going to sound bad, and you can spin it whatever way you want,
so at least he knows Simers will spin this quote how he sees fit. This quote does sound bad, but it's not necessarily bad (outside of the fact Hamilton isn't getting the results), but improving in sports or other areas of life is often more about completing the process and allowing the results to come through working hard through the process. Baseball is like sales. You can't win every one, but preparing and taking the right steps to be successful is as much a part of success as anything else. It is a process-oriented way of looking at achievement rather than being focused on the results.
I'll never know. But I do wonder why he's not more thankful. We talked
before Wednesday's game and I reminded him how inept he has been in
driving the ball out of the park the opposite way. And I suggested he do
better.
Unbelievable. This is typical T.J. Simers for you. He's merely a sportswriter and has the balls to tell Josh Hamilton how to hit the baseball. I'm not sure what makes Simers qualified to be a hitting coach, but he probably should be careful about doling out free advice about an athlete's performance or else an athlete could point out the terrible writing job Simers performs several times weekly.
As bad as Josh Hamilton is struggling, he is 100 times better at hitting a baseball than T.J. Simers ever could be. Simers "suggests" that Hamilton does better. It's ridiculous and incredibly infuriating. I wish someone would suggest to Simers that he stop acting like a troll and try not to be an embarrassment to his profession. I don't get how Hamilton didn't punch Simers in the face. It's not like Hamilton isn't aware that he has been inept at driving the ball out of the park the opposite way. There's absolutely no reason to remind him of this unless Simers is trying to bait Hamilton into shedding his new "nice guy" image and getting angry.
An hour or so later he homered, but before Thursday's game he refused to say thank you.
"I'll need to do it again,'' he said, as if he did it himself in the first place.
Clearly he is an athlete who doesn't care enough.
Then he went out and hit another home run, two homers in two days with Page 2's help after having two in the first 31 games.
God, Simers is insufferable. I know he is being tongue-in-cheek in order to get some attention, but it's pathetic to pretend he is responsible for Hamilton homering. It's not true and Simers knows it isn't true. He just wants to get a rise out of everyone.
Also, notice how Hamilton homered and started playing better and Simers still has nothing positive to say about him. When he doesn't homer, he's a bust, but when he does homer, it is simply because Simers has served as Hamilton's personal batting coach. Simers already had part of this column written and certainly wasn't going to change the content to fit reality.
I just found a way to make Hamilton care enough to prove himself after he repeatedly told me, "You cannot push my buttons.''
He sucks right now, but my respect for Josh Hamilton has increased dramatically. He isn't going to play T.J. Simers' games.
"I don't care,'' said Hamilton, and in addition to working on his home run swing, he needs help on how to talk to fans.
"I hear it from the stands every night. You have to come to the
understanding that people like to bring up your weaknesses and failures
and throw them in your face.
Fans certainly don't like to hear a baseball player say he doesn't care, but Hamilton is referring to the fact he doesn't care what his haters have to say about him. Maybe he could pretend to outwardly care more, but that's not his personality.
The Angels signed him to hit baseballs. The facts are sometimes
blunt, but most fans probably care more about his swing than his
relationship with the Lord.
"I understand,'' Hamilton said. "We're all different. It depends on your starting point, and mine is the Bible.''
Hey remember that time "Forbes" said Josh Hamilton could learn something from Whitney Houston? That was pretty odd, wasn't it?
"Does it mention anywhere in the Bible,'' I asked, "what it takes to hit more home runs?''
I have some sense of self-control, but I would have punched T.J. Simers in the face by now if I were Hamilton. Josh Hamilton has been called inept, a bust, and now Simers is somewhat mocking Hamilton's religion by asking if it says anywhere in the Bible what it takes to hit more home runs. Simers is simply being sarcastic in order to be a dickhead and most quality newspapers would do something to prevent this type of behavior. It turns out the "Los Angeles Times" is condoning this troll-like behavior, so much like the middle-aged child he is, Simers will continue to perform these juvenile antics in a desperate plea to get attention or a reaction.
I would imagine T.J. Simers used to break his mom's dishes intentionally as a child to watch her yell at him. I get the feeling he craved attention even at an early age. If only he didn't have a forum to garner more attention with his sports columns in the present day then the world would be a better place.
He has what most folks would want in an athlete. He's personable and
approachable, offering a pat on the fanny to almost everyone he meets,
including sports columnists. He signs autographs before batting
practice, after batting practice and Thursday he huddled for prayer with
a young man who found lifesaving inspiration in Hamilton's book about
his struggles with addiction.
That's all well and good, but he is paid to hit a baseball and Hamilton understands that. He also understands that getting angry with T.J. Simers stupid, baiting questions and trying really, really hard isn't going to make him hit the baseball any better. It's a process, and if he is pressing too hard in his mind or at the plate then he just needs time to snap out of this funk. It sucks for Angels fans, but Hamilton will start to hit the ball better eventually.
But how about living up to expectations as a superstar?
Hamilton does need to do that, but there is a much better column to be written about Hamilton in relation to living up to expectations as a superstar. T.J. Simers isn't capable of real sports journalism, so he isn't capable of writing a better column than this. He's a one-trick pony whose only trick is to take a crap on the most people possible.
Or ignore his insistence on letting everyone know he doesn't care what they think — which lets you know he really does.
"It's important to me to do well and that's why I work hard to
improve every day,'' he said. "But when the game is over I stop thinking
about it.''
If only it was so easy for Angels fans.
What is it with "Los Angeles Times" sports columnists that they write one sentence paragraphs? I feel like there needs to be an investigation into this.
If talking to T.J. Simers were such good luck that he did have a secret to help a baseball player perform better, and if I were Josh Hamilton, I would forever accept mediocrity and retire immediately. Talking to Simers wouldn't be worth it. The only thing worse than being hated by Angels fans is having to listen to T.J. Simers ask you bullshit, baiting questions in a desperate attempt to get a reaction.
Now Simers, being an equal opportunity asshole, asks Mark McGwire if he should give steroids to the Dodgers hitters. Because a question like that is a real question that a real sportswriter should be asking. Well, it seems T.J. Simers thinks this is a real question that a real sportswriter should be asking.
I had never met Mark McGwire before Tuesday night, but I knew of his reputation and the fact he has struck out so far as the Dodgers' hitting coach.
Sit down, T.J. Let's have a talk about hitting coaches. They generally get too much blame and too much credit depending on how their team is hitting. Why does McGwire suck with the Dodgers when he was good with the Cardinals? It's almost like he isn't the one hitting the baseball and there is another variable (the hitters he is coaching) that needs to be accounted for.
So given the Dodgers' lack of power, I asked, "Is it time to introduce the players to steroids?"
Oh, my gentle Jesus. Wouldn't it be quicker and more efficient just to wear a sign that says, "I need attention"?
McGwire laughed and I wondered why.
Because your question is so absolutely ridiculous and baiting of McGwire it doesn't even deserve a response. That's why he laughed. T.J. Simers is a one-trick pony and a person who has control over his emotions won't get set off by Simers' weak attempts to troll.
"The magic potion is in between the ears," he said. "This game is beautiful, things can change overnight."
You win tonight, I told him, and the Dodgers will still be in last place.
So does T.J. believe the Dodgers should just pack it up and quit playing hard for the rest of the year? It's not like the season is 162 games long or anything like that. There's still time to panic!
"It will come," McGwire added. I think he was referring to power rather than some shipment in the mail.
How miserable of a person do you have to be to write in the way that T.J. Simers does? I wonder if it is his hatred for mankind entirely or self-hatred that causes him to write in the way he does?
The Dodgers rank third to last in the major leagues in home runs and
RBIs, and yet they have a guy who hit 70 home runs as their hitting
instructor.
You would think McGwire could transfer his power-hitting ability to the Dodgers hitters through some sort of "Freaky Friday" type magic, but alas, he can't do this. He probably needs steroids to accomplish this feat.
"It's all about pitch selection," said McGwire, who has apparently
changed his mind on what it takes to hit the ball out of the park.
You still have to select the right pitches to hit a home run, even if you are using steroids. It's hard to hit a home run when you can't make contact with the baseball.
I remember how much fun it was when Sammy Sosa
and McGwire were hitting a lot of home runs. I thanked McGwire for
providing those thrills and asked if he could still score some steroids.
Break his neck! Leg-sweep him! Burn him with fire! Whatever it takes, let's get rid of T.J. Simers.
I wish McGwire had answered "yes" and then busted out with a needle, held down Simers and injected him with the most powerful steroid on the market. This has to happen. Someone has to call Simers on his bullshit sometime.
"Certainly not," he said. "Can't, and will not. That is just no."
So much then for the Dodgers turning things around.
Reading a T.J. Simers column is like eating horseshit out of a used coffee filter topped with burning cigarettes and washing it down with a glass of cat urine.
The fun is gone in Donnie Baseball.
The last time we spoke he talked about how good he felt about his team after three straight defeats.
In his own snippy and uncharacteristic way, he said he still feels
good about his team. But how do you feel good about a team that cannot
win consistently? I asked.
"I like our talent," Mattingly said, while jerking his head from side to side to avoid eye contact. "I like what we can be."
It's hard not to be snippy to a person who asks a loaded question like this. How do you even expect a person to answer a question like "how do you feel good about a team that cannot win consistently?" Mattingly can either sound like a moron by saying he feels great about it or he throws his team under the bus. Obviously the intent of the question was to get Mattingly to throw his team under the bus.
WHEN I began Page 2, I asked the question in my first column: If F.P. Santangelo can enter a room with a sign over the door that reads: "Players Only,"' why can't I?
Never one to laugh or hit, a grouchy Santangelo was soon gone.
Now he's a broadcaster for the Nationals, much like Steve Lyons for the Dodgers. Much like Lyons.
What a great country this is.
Because if a person isn't great at baseball (relatively to other professional baseball players of course) then this lack of skill should translate to other parts of life. It's interesting T.J. Simers mentions taking over Page 2 at the same time he says what a great country it is for ex-baseball players to become announcers. If it wasn't such a great country then T.J. Simers would be writing for a small town newspaper or at least would be responsible for the drivel and trolling content he writes on a weekly basis.
There's not much else to say except T.J. Simers won't ever change. I imagine he is stalking Marcus Thames right now trying to ask him questions about what it is like to be a complete and utter failure. I am sure he will phrase the question exactly that way too. Maybe someday someone can get Simers to come from under his bridge and ask him what it is like to be the biggest piece of shit, trolling sportswriter on the West Coast. If this can't happen, is it wrong that I hope a player at least punches him one day when he asks one of his baiting questions?
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
8 comments MMQB Review: Peter Regales Us with Stories of Him Walking
Peter King continued to talk about the Rams' 2013 draft last week in MMQB. He also suggested NFL teams allow reporters in their draft war room, even though NFL teams have nothing to be gained and everything to lose by allowing reporters access to their draft process. Peter also marveled at what a game baseball is that the #3 pick in the 2010 MLB Amateur draft would actually make it to the majors and have such a big impact. That Manny Machado sure came from nowhere didn't he? This week Peter talks about Tom Brady's wonderful offseason, feels really bad for David Garrard for some strange reason (he's 35 and a millionaire, my sadness for such people can only go so far), and tells us a riveting story about he he walks, yes WALKS, around New York City. Peter only glosses over Bruce Irvin being suspended four games for violating the NFL's drug code. Otherwise it wouldn't matter what Peter thinks about Irvin's four game suspension, but Irvin had a few red flags coming out of West Virginia University, Peter indicated in his April 29 MMQB that drafting risky guys is a move NFC West teams would make, and Peter criticized the Lions last week in MMQB for taking a chance on Titus Young. Oh well, MMQB is only so long and Peter has to get his travel notes, his thoughts on baseball and his opinion on "The Office" into the column somewhere. It's not like this is a football column or anything.
Considering what a transcendent talent Tom Brady is, the career he's had, and that he turns 36 in 11 weeks, this statement he made to me over the weekend is significant: "Going into my 14th year, I have never had more confidence in how I am throwing the football. I've never felt better throwing the football."
Even without Wes Welker? How can Brady ever feel confident without Welker on his side? Isn't Brady's career supposed to turn to shit without Welker?
I'm waiting for the day a quarterback tells Peter King, "I feel like shit. My arm takes a longer time to recover now after I practice and I just don't feel good throwing the football."
It's almost like great quarterbacks are very confident people and put in the work to get better, no matter their age. The day a quarterback tells Peter how his skills have diminished, then I will be interested.
Were those shudders I just felt coming out of Orchard Park, Florham Park and South Florida?
You heard those shudders a decade ago when the Patriots started dominating the AFC East. At this point it is just business as usual for the rest of the AFC East. They try to beat the Patriots and hope for a season good enough to get a Wild Card spot.
Brady doesn't talk much in the offseason,
Especially since he trains in California away from the Patriots team. One more reason that Tom Brady isn't a true Patriot and why the Patriots can't win a Super Bowl. If Brady would just train with the team instead of starting the offseason in California then the Patriots could win the Super Bowl again.
Remember when it was a semi-big deal that Brady worked out in California last year (I think it was last year)? What happened to that?
Brady said, "Friendship and support from friends and family is so important to succeeding in life. We take friendship for granted.
This is a quote where Brady is clearly referring to Wes Welker. I'm surprised some Boston sportswriters haven't jumped all over this quote to make a big deal out of it. I can see Dan Shaughnessy immediately sitting down at his typewriter (you know he uses a typewriter and has an intern transcribe his column into the computer) and starts writing a column about how Tom Brady just said Wes Welker took his friendship for granted. Dan will do anything to stir up shit.
Good for him -- and while we're on the subject of good deeds in New England, here's another one: A 33-member contingent of current and former Patriots, and coaches and staff, got on buses from Foxboro Saturday morning for the 150-mile ride to Newtown, Conn., to hold a football clinic for the kids of Newtown. Owner Robert Kraft, defensive coordinator Matt Patricia, tight end Rob Gronkowski and captains Jerod Mayo, Devin McCourty and Matthew Slater were on hand. The coaches and players ran eight stations that 400 kids rotated through, while their parents watched from the stands. When one kid asked where Brady was, Kraft got him on the phone and passed it around to several kids so they could all say they talked to Brady. A good day, and a good bit of community service by the Patriots.
Have you ever noticed how plugged-in Peter King is to the Patriots' community service events? He's always writing about Matt Light's charity events and he always seems to have specific details about a charity event or community service the Patriots are involved in. I have nothing snarky to say, but just wonder how Peter is so plugged-in to the Patriots in this way. Does he just get himself more plugged-in to what the Patriots do for the community or does the team reach out to him I wonder?
"Tom House, pretty soon after the season, said basically, 'All right, Tommy. Get to work.' That's the one thing that helps me move forward. There's nothing we can do about losing the championship game to the Ravens. It sucks. You move on. But, with Tom, I think I've learned some things this offseason that are really going to help me.''
I said, "Be specific -- give me one thing, or two things you feel are going to help you this year.''
Damn, Peter. Back off Brady. If you quizzed every athlete like this you may actually be able to see through some of the bullshit you get fed at draft time or during the season.
"One thing,'' he said. He paused. "Well ... I hate to ... well done is better than well said. I'd rather not say. I want people to watch and see if they notice.
I bet Brady has changed his throwing motion and throws the ball sidearm to his receivers now. Defensive coordinators will never see that coming. A quarterback that throws passes sidearm and submarine style? It's the new Wildcat!
(Insert Tim Tebow throwing motion joke here)
The Patriots are 39-9 in the last three years, but they're not measured by the regular season. They haven't been in a long time. The measure comes in the postseason, and losses to the Jets, the Giants and the Ravens have ended their last three years in crushing ways. Brady's doing what he can to up the ante this offseason, apparently.
Well, he says he is doing things to up the ante. It's not obvious until the games actually start.
Is the defense doing the same? The receiver group? Belichick the drafter?
Call them up then, Peter. Find out what SPECIFICALLY DAMMIT they are doing to up the ante in this offseason. Then they will avoid the question and Peter will back down immediately and ask them about their latest community service event.
Without a franchise pass rusher or corner this season, the Patriots are likely to be as dependent on Brady as ever. Or more.
I'm sorry, so we know the Patriots don't have a franchise pass rusher or corner during the 2013 season? It's May and we know they lack both of these players? We may as well not even play the 2013 season.
How do you not feel sick for David Garrard?
Because he has achieved his financial and personal dream by being a starting quarterback in the NFL and he is only 35 years old?
Twenty months ago, a week before the 2011 season, Garrard was Jacksonville's starting quarterback. Out of the blue, two hours after he was introduced at the team's fan luncheon as the starter, then-coach Jack Del Rio called him in and cut him, preferring to go with rookie Blaine Gabbert.
Nine months ago, before the 2012 season in Miami, Garrard was leading in the quarterback derby with rookie Ryan Tannehill until the veteran QB needed arthroscopic knee surgery. Rather than wait for him to get well, Miami cut him, handing the job to Tannehill.
Last week, again looking like he had a good chance to be a starter, this time with the Jets, his balky knee kept ballooning after even slightly strenuous workouts. With a wife and three young children back home in Jacksonville, Garrard decided to stop fighting his physical shortcomings. He quit.
There are relative levels of feeling miserable for someone. In the realm of sports, I feel bad for Garrard. In the realm of life and every other realm I don't really feel that bad for him. I don't, and I won't, ever feel sick for him. Feeling sick for someone should be reserved for life-threatening diseases or decisions that have to be made.
"You a little heartbroken?'' I asked him Saturday.
GIVE ME ONE OR TWO SPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF HOW HEARTBROKEN YOU ARE!
But Garrard was an adult about it. "You always hear, 'Play 'til the wheels fall off,' '' he said. "Not me. I've got a wife and three beautiful kids who rely on me. I want to be there for them, and as healthy as I can be. I knew if I kept trying to play, it wouldn't end well. I knew it was going to come to an end sometime -- now is just earlier than I thought. But it's tough.''
My God, some perspective. Who invited David Garrard to speak in this week's MMQB? Perspective is usually not allowed in these parts of the Internet. Peter likes to say he is "sick" for an athlete who retired early and then get all high-and-mighty about gun control by using the same language to describe the latest gun-related tragedy. No perspective is allowed.
Other than the obvious, Garrard has one other regret. He said, unlike the perception from last August in Miami, he didn't injure himself at the pool with his kids. He said he was struggling with his knee during Dolphins training camp, and his needing arthroscopic surgery -- which caused the Dolphins to cut him -- was from normal wear and tear of training camp, exacerbated by a pivot on the deck of the pool.
Because injuring yourself while playing with your children is one of the most non-noble ways of incurring an injury? "Sorry kids, go play with the nanny. Daddy can't play with you because he wouldn't want to get hurt playing in the pool with you. Getting hurt in practice, that's perfectly acceptable, but if I get hurt playing with you in the pool then that just makes me an asshole."
This year, Garrard said his knee -- which was already missing much of its cartilage, causing bone-on-bone friction -- just never felt right. "I couldn't jog most days,'' he said. "I could barely walk around without it hurting. And we weren't even in the strenuous part of camp yet. I figured, 'No way I can just take every fourth day off.' I went to see Rex [Ryan], and I just told him I didn't think I could do it. He didn't want to hear it. But I just told him what the doctor said -- it's only going to get worse. And that was it.''
How can you feel sick for Garrard? He's being very reasonable about his injury. There are things in life people should and should not feel "sick" for other people about, and I'm struggling to see this as one of those situations. Garrard is 35 years old remember, so it isn't like his career was cut off in its prime. Peter just acted shocked that Tom Brady, another 35 year old quarterback, said he was throwing the ball better than he ever had in his career. So it's not like it is unheard for a 35 year old athlete to have injuries or be forced to retire.
Now it's Sanchez and Smith, perhaps with an interesting summer tutor. That's not the summer job David Garrard had in mind.
Remember after the draft when Peter wrote that he didn't see why the Jets didn't release Mark Sanchez immediately? I think we are seeing now why that would have been a hasty and dumb decision. Not that Peter would ever acknowledge this of course.
I thought all along that Freeney was a reasonably priced gem in this year's free-agent crop. To get a player with his pedigree and experience for $4.4 million a year, and limited guarantees, is very good replacement value for San Diego. I'm already looking forward to Weeks 10 and 15, when Freeney will be chasing fellow AFC South transplant Peyton Manning in San Diego-Denver games.
If Freeney actually ends up chasing Peyton Manning around the field in those games then Manning is fucked. I'm not sure there is a less mobile quarterback in the NFL than Manning (not that it matters when it comes to his ability to play quarterback of course), but Freeney better be rushing Manning and not chasing him. The chasing part wouldn't end well for Manning.
"You will never see me. Somebody else might do some things, but not me. I text, though. I got to the point where I can text, I can call and do those things. So I'm getting pretty good. I really don't want anyone to know what I'm doing. I really don't think what I'm doing is that important. People don't have to know what I'm doing. It's no one's business but mine.''
-- Mike Ditka, on why he will not use Twitter, to the Chicago Sun-Times.
This is today's entry in the category of "Old People Who Proudly Refuse to Use Technology." Mike Ditka doesn't want people to know what he is doing and doesn't consider what he is doing important, but of course, he does want us to listen to his opinion and think that his opinion is important when he is on ESPN's NFL pregame show. He's not important in his own mind until he starts to talk about football. Then he's just a wealth of knowledge.
Jets fans, don't despair. I know you had your hearts set on a healthy David Garrard to be the bridge between 2013 and Geno Smith taking over the job in 2014. But this is the year -- or at least the summer -- of Mark Sanchez. It's doubtful Smith will do enough to win the Jets' starting job before camp breaks in August. Comparing what might have been (the last two years of Garrard, playing for the Jaguars in 2009 and 2010) to what Sanchez produced in his last two years for the Jets:
"Never fear Jets fans! You were fucked with David Garrard as your starting quarterback anyway."
That seems to be the point Peter wants to prove here. There are a couple issues with this comparison. Actually more than couple:
1. Garrard wasn't 35 when he put up those numbers. He has not started regularly in two seasons, so he put those numbers up as a 31 and 32 year old quarterback.
2. The win-loss numbers have to take into account the team around these two quarterbacks.
3. Not only is Garrard's TD/INT differential much better than Sanchez's, but Sanchez threw 100 more passes over the two seasons and still had fewer yards per game than Garrard.
4. Seriously, this is supposed to make Jets fans feel better? How?
The Atlanta Falcons do not have a John or George or David or Chris or Daniel or Mark -- six of the 20 most common male names in the United States, according to the 2000 Census -- on their current 90-man roster.
2000 was 13 years ago. Isn't there more up-to-date data Peter could have used? Maybe use the Google machine to look up "2012 popular male baby names" or even "2013 popular male baby names."
They do, however, have players with these first names: Malliciah, Kroy, Shann, Kemal, Joplo, Stansly, Micanor, Saeed, Terren, Levine, Jacquizz, Roddy and Peria.
They don't have a Phillip or a Keith, but they have a Phillipkeith.
Peter is infatuated with pointing out funny names that football players have. Many of these players are minorities, so Peter is basically (yet again) marveling at how minorities name their children funny names. He's the very picture of an upper class white person. I can see him wearing a sweater over a long-sleeve shirt with loafers sipping a independent beer outside of a bar that charges $8 per beer.
Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week
Best thing about living in Manhattan: walking.
Best thing about being any human with two working legs: walking.
I was in a hurry twice in the past week.
Do tell both stories extremely in-depth. We need to hear these stories about you walking. God knows I haven't heard tell of these stories about how a person can walk somewhere.
The first time, I was rushing from my East Side apartment to the SI offices in midtown. It's a walk of about 17 minutes. I didn't have 17 minutes. Midday. Jumped in a cab.
Peter begins a story about walking by jumping into a cab. I think he is confused about exactly what it is that "walking" truly is. Maybe he thinks the act of watching other people walk means he is actually doing the walking himself. I'm starting to think these charity races he runs in just consist of Peter circling the track in a golf cart as those people who are actually running look at him in disbelief.
Big bottleneck at 51st and Lexington ahead. Inched forward through two, three four light changes. Paid the guy. Got out and walked. Aaaargh.
This is how important Peter believes that he is. He just told us a story about he got stuck in traffic and then had to walk to the SI offices. We are supposed to be interested by this.
The second time, I was late getting home from the office. About 5:15 p.m. and Avenue of the Americas (you might know it as Sixth Avenue) was a parking lot.
Wait, hold on a second. 5:15pm is LATE getting home from the office? Next time we hear Peter bitch about his travel schedule and the major inconveniences the life he has chosen causes him, let's all remember 5:15pm is LATE for him to be getting home from the office.
I knew I wouldn't save time in a cab. Walked again.
That's the story. Peter was late getting home, knew he wouldn't save time in a cab, so he walked. That's it. Story over.
I like walking. It's just that, when you're in a hurry in New York, it doesn't matter. Everything above ground is in quicksand.
Now imagine, and I don't want to scare you too much Peter, that you are late getting home and you can't walk home. Walking is great, so what do you do? Give us the answer, with SPECIFIC EXAMPLES of the steps you would take on how to make walking great next week in MMQB.
"Sad to see The Office go and while the cast is spectacular, it hasn't been the same without Michael Scott. Like Curb without Larry David."
-- @RaysJoeMaddon, the Tampa Bay manager, showing his depth of TV education.
Even those who didn't watch "The Office" knew it wasn't the same show without Steve Carell. But no, Joe Maddon is a genius.
Love how Maddon can multitask. He can figure a way to survive with David Price on the DL at the same time as watching the last episode of The Office.
Again, it really shouldn't be that hard to watch television while also using the great organizational pitching depth the Rays have to cover for Price's spot in the rotation over the next few weeks. The Rays are deep in terms of starting pitching.
Ten Things I Think I Think
1.I think I'd be surprised if when the 50th and 51st Super Bowls are announced in Boston on Tuesday, the sites chosen are not Santa Clara and Houston, in that order.
Let's also remember Peter was probably a little surprised the Jets didn't immediately cut Mark Sanchez after drafting Geno Smith and Peter also thought Joe Flacco wasn't going to be re-signed by the Ravens. These cities very well may be the Super Bowl sites, but what surprises Peter probably doesn't surprise others.
3. I think the early returns on Sean Payton's enthusiasm and verve for the New Orleans Saints job are extremely positive. He's Mr. Positive, from what I hear, instead of Mr. Bitter.
I can't figure out why Payton would be bitter, but I guess Peter really wants to go out of his way to compliment Sean Payton for having a good attitude after being punished for something he did. Good job, Sean Payton. You presided over a team that put bounties on opposing players and you aren't bitter about getting caught! Peter is impressed with you. What a man of great virtue you have become.
5. I think the Seahawks' six suspensions for positive tests in the last two calendar years -- only five players were sanctioned, because Richard Sherman's ban last year was thrown out due to chain-of-custody issues -- will make the 2014 free-agent period and draft very interesting for Seahawks GM John Schneider and coach Pete Carroll.
Hey, it's the NFC West, they sign and draft players other teams may not. That's what Peter tells us. So why would they care if a few players got suspended?
They'll almost have to draft and pursue Eagle Scouts because of all the recent violations; Seattle will have to show it's serious about acquiring disciplined and mature players.
Why would the Seahawks have to do that? This isn't Boy Scouts, it's football. So is Peter really telling us that the Seahawks are going to pass up on quality football players in free agency or pass up on re-signing their own quality players because a couple of them had a four-game suspension? Maybe if their production dips after coming back from the four-game suspension the Seahawks may not re-sign some of these players, but I don't think they HAVE to show they are serious about acquiring mature players. The Seahawks just have to show they can put a winning team together. All else will be forgiven.
6.I think now we know the free agent with the most pressure on him in September: Cliff Avril. With no Irvin on the field until Seattle's Oct. 6 game against the Colts, Avril will be Seattle's best pass-rush hope at Carolina, against San Francisco and Jacksonville at home, and at Houston.
Carolina and Jacksonville may not be very good next year, while the Seahawks are at home against the 49ers and the Texans have Derek Newton/Brennan Williams penciled in at right tackle on their depth chart right now. So much like how Peter tried to write off the Seahawks last year after Richard Sherman and Brandon Browner were suspended, Peter possibly shouldn't write off the Seahawks pass rush in mid-May.
7. I think -- no, I know --
Seriously Peter, stop---no, really, really stop---doing this. You can edit your document without interrupting yourself.
8. I think, Brandon Weeden, if you're worried about the Browns signing Brian Hoyer to compete for a quarterback job, you're not the guy for the job.
Weeden never said he was worried, Peter. In fact, there is a newspaper article with the heading, "Cleveland Browns QB Brandon Weeden 'surprised,' but not worried about Brian Hoyer signing." I can see how Peter would think Weeden was worried though with that ambiguous title. Plus, in the article Weeden confused the readers on whether he was worried or not with quotes like,
"It's part of this business and if you start worrying about it, that's too much to worry about. That's my mentality going forward."
Weeden said he hasn't been told what the Browns have in mind for Hoyer, 27, and that it's not his concern.
"I have no idea," Weeden said. "I'm worried about me."
Browns fans are worried about you too, Brandon.
He re-iterated what he said in March, that he feels he can beat out whomever the Browns put in his path.
So it sounds to the untrained eye, that eye being my eye, Weeden isn't and wasn't ever worried. I'm not an expert like Peter King though.
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
d. Loved the series finale of The Office. (Don't say I didn't warn you if you've DVRed and haven't watched.)
Peter's enjoyment of the show is now considered a spoiler. I am sure there is probably zero people out there who can't watch an episode of "The Office" without first getting Peter's opinion on the show.
This from a guy who hasn't watched the show in the last two years because the attempts to replace Michael Scott turned it into schlock.
A trusted opinion is what we get from Peter King when discussing television shows. He may not watch all of "The Office," but that certainly doesn't prevent him giving an opinion on the show. Of course everyone knows the show wasn't the same without Steve Carell, so there's that too.
e. If I were tweeting, I'd write: The Office finale > Seinfeld finale.
Well I can rest easy knowing this information.
k. The New Orleans Pelicans: I love that nickname.
Peter King would love this nickname. It's a great nickname for a minor league baseball team.
l. The Charlotte Hornets: I don't get that nickname.
Said Peter King in 1988 when the Hornets started playing in Charlotte using this nickname. I wouldn't expect Peter to get the nickname though. It's not as catchy and doesn't immediately put the fear of God in a team like playing the "Pelicans." I would shudder at having to play any team with a mascot that has a large throat pouch.
o. Coffeenerdness: Rumor has it there's Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf going up in the neighborhood. I can feel the addiction to the vanilla latte coming.
But what if they have long lines and one time an employee at the Coffee Bean and Teal Leaf gets Peter's name wrong? What will happen is the wrath of Hell, brought by Peter King, will come down on the establishment.
The Adieu Haiku
Three-four, or four-three?
For Freeney, that's the question.
Hey dude: Just get sacks.
I don't know how he does it. Somehow "The Adieu Haiku" gets more pointless and boring every week. How do you regress from something that is already this pointless and boring?
Considering what a transcendent talent Tom Brady is, the career he's had, and that he turns 36 in 11 weeks, this statement he made to me over the weekend is significant: "Going into my 14th year, I have never had more confidence in how I am throwing the football. I've never felt better throwing the football."
Even without Wes Welker? How can Brady ever feel confident without Welker on his side? Isn't Brady's career supposed to turn to shit without Welker?
I'm waiting for the day a quarterback tells Peter King, "I feel like shit. My arm takes a longer time to recover now after I practice and I just don't feel good throwing the football."
It's almost like great quarterbacks are very confident people and put in the work to get better, no matter their age. The day a quarterback tells Peter how his skills have diminished, then I will be interested.
Were those shudders I just felt coming out of Orchard Park, Florham Park and South Florida?
You heard those shudders a decade ago when the Patriots started dominating the AFC East. At this point it is just business as usual for the rest of the AFC East. They try to beat the Patriots and hope for a season good enough to get a Wild Card spot.
Brady doesn't talk much in the offseason,
Especially since he trains in California away from the Patriots team. One more reason that Tom Brady isn't a true Patriot and why the Patriots can't win a Super Bowl. If Brady would just train with the team instead of starting the offseason in California then the Patriots could win the Super Bowl again.
Remember when it was a semi-big deal that Brady worked out in California last year (I think it was last year)? What happened to that?
Brady said, "Friendship and support from friends and family is so important to succeeding in life. We take friendship for granted.
This is a quote where Brady is clearly referring to Wes Welker. I'm surprised some Boston sportswriters haven't jumped all over this quote to make a big deal out of it. I can see Dan Shaughnessy immediately sitting down at his typewriter (you know he uses a typewriter and has an intern transcribe his column into the computer) and starts writing a column about how Tom Brady just said Wes Welker took his friendship for granted. Dan will do anything to stir up shit.
Good for him -- and while we're on the subject of good deeds in New England, here's another one: A 33-member contingent of current and former Patriots, and coaches and staff, got on buses from Foxboro Saturday morning for the 150-mile ride to Newtown, Conn., to hold a football clinic for the kids of Newtown. Owner Robert Kraft, defensive coordinator Matt Patricia, tight end Rob Gronkowski and captains Jerod Mayo, Devin McCourty and Matthew Slater were on hand. The coaches and players ran eight stations that 400 kids rotated through, while their parents watched from the stands. When one kid asked where Brady was, Kraft got him on the phone and passed it around to several kids so they could all say they talked to Brady. A good day, and a good bit of community service by the Patriots.
Have you ever noticed how plugged-in Peter King is to the Patriots' community service events? He's always writing about Matt Light's charity events and he always seems to have specific details about a charity event or community service the Patriots are involved in. I have nothing snarky to say, but just wonder how Peter is so plugged-in to the Patriots in this way. Does he just get himself more plugged-in to what the Patriots do for the community or does the team reach out to him I wonder?
"Tom House, pretty soon after the season, said basically, 'All right, Tommy. Get to work.' That's the one thing that helps me move forward. There's nothing we can do about losing the championship game to the Ravens. It sucks. You move on. But, with Tom, I think I've learned some things this offseason that are really going to help me.''
I said, "Be specific -- give me one thing, or two things you feel are going to help you this year.''
Damn, Peter. Back off Brady. If you quizzed every athlete like this you may actually be able to see through some of the bullshit you get fed at draft time or during the season.
"One thing,'' he said. He paused. "Well ... I hate to ... well done is better than well said. I'd rather not say. I want people to watch and see if they notice.
I bet Brady has changed his throwing motion and throws the ball sidearm to his receivers now. Defensive coordinators will never see that coming. A quarterback that throws passes sidearm and submarine style? It's the new Wildcat!
(Insert Tim Tebow throwing motion joke here)
The Patriots are 39-9 in the last three years, but they're not measured by the regular season. They haven't been in a long time. The measure comes in the postseason, and losses to the Jets, the Giants and the Ravens have ended their last three years in crushing ways. Brady's doing what he can to up the ante this offseason, apparently.
Well, he says he is doing things to up the ante. It's not obvious until the games actually start.
Is the defense doing the same? The receiver group? Belichick the drafter?
Call them up then, Peter. Find out what SPECIFICALLY DAMMIT they are doing to up the ante in this offseason. Then they will avoid the question and Peter will back down immediately and ask them about their latest community service event.
Without a franchise pass rusher or corner this season, the Patriots are likely to be as dependent on Brady as ever. Or more.
I'm sorry, so we know the Patriots don't have a franchise pass rusher or corner during the 2013 season? It's May and we know they lack both of these players? We may as well not even play the 2013 season.
How do you not feel sick for David Garrard?
Because he has achieved his financial and personal dream by being a starting quarterback in the NFL and he is only 35 years old?
Twenty months ago, a week before the 2011 season, Garrard was Jacksonville's starting quarterback. Out of the blue, two hours after he was introduced at the team's fan luncheon as the starter, then-coach Jack Del Rio called him in and cut him, preferring to go with rookie Blaine Gabbert.
Nine months ago, before the 2012 season in Miami, Garrard was leading in the quarterback derby with rookie Ryan Tannehill until the veteran QB needed arthroscopic knee surgery. Rather than wait for him to get well, Miami cut him, handing the job to Tannehill.
Last week, again looking like he had a good chance to be a starter, this time with the Jets, his balky knee kept ballooning after even slightly strenuous workouts. With a wife and three young children back home in Jacksonville, Garrard decided to stop fighting his physical shortcomings. He quit.
There are relative levels of feeling miserable for someone. In the realm of sports, I feel bad for Garrard. In the realm of life and every other realm I don't really feel that bad for him. I don't, and I won't, ever feel sick for him. Feeling sick for someone should be reserved for life-threatening diseases or decisions that have to be made.
"You a little heartbroken?'' I asked him Saturday.
GIVE ME ONE OR TWO SPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF HOW HEARTBROKEN YOU ARE!
But Garrard was an adult about it. "You always hear, 'Play 'til the wheels fall off,' '' he said. "Not me. I've got a wife and three beautiful kids who rely on me. I want to be there for them, and as healthy as I can be. I knew if I kept trying to play, it wouldn't end well. I knew it was going to come to an end sometime -- now is just earlier than I thought. But it's tough.''
My God, some perspective. Who invited David Garrard to speak in this week's MMQB? Perspective is usually not allowed in these parts of the Internet. Peter likes to say he is "sick" for an athlete who retired early and then get all high-and-mighty about gun control by using the same language to describe the latest gun-related tragedy. No perspective is allowed.
Other than the obvious, Garrard has one other regret. He said, unlike the perception from last August in Miami, he didn't injure himself at the pool with his kids. He said he was struggling with his knee during Dolphins training camp, and his needing arthroscopic surgery -- which caused the Dolphins to cut him -- was from normal wear and tear of training camp, exacerbated by a pivot on the deck of the pool.
Because injuring yourself while playing with your children is one of the most non-noble ways of incurring an injury? "Sorry kids, go play with the nanny. Daddy can't play with you because he wouldn't want to get hurt playing in the pool with you. Getting hurt in practice, that's perfectly acceptable, but if I get hurt playing with you in the pool then that just makes me an asshole."
This year, Garrard said his knee -- which was already missing much of its cartilage, causing bone-on-bone friction -- just never felt right. "I couldn't jog most days,'' he said. "I could barely walk around without it hurting. And we weren't even in the strenuous part of camp yet. I figured, 'No way I can just take every fourth day off.' I went to see Rex [Ryan], and I just told him I didn't think I could do it. He didn't want to hear it. But I just told him what the doctor said -- it's only going to get worse. And that was it.''
How can you feel sick for Garrard? He's being very reasonable about his injury. There are things in life people should and should not feel "sick" for other people about, and I'm struggling to see this as one of those situations. Garrard is 35 years old remember, so it isn't like his career was cut off in its prime. Peter just acted shocked that Tom Brady, another 35 year old quarterback, said he was throwing the ball better than he ever had in his career. So it's not like it is unheard for a 35 year old athlete to have injuries or be forced to retire.
Now it's Sanchez and Smith, perhaps with an interesting summer tutor. That's not the summer job David Garrard had in mind.
Remember after the draft when Peter wrote that he didn't see why the Jets didn't release Mark Sanchez immediately? I think we are seeing now why that would have been a hasty and dumb decision. Not that Peter would ever acknowledge this of course.
I thought all along that Freeney was a reasonably priced gem in this year's free-agent crop. To get a player with his pedigree and experience for $4.4 million a year, and limited guarantees, is very good replacement value for San Diego. I'm already looking forward to Weeks 10 and 15, when Freeney will be chasing fellow AFC South transplant Peyton Manning in San Diego-Denver games.
If Freeney actually ends up chasing Peyton Manning around the field in those games then Manning is fucked. I'm not sure there is a less mobile quarterback in the NFL than Manning (not that it matters when it comes to his ability to play quarterback of course), but Freeney better be rushing Manning and not chasing him. The chasing part wouldn't end well for Manning.
"You will never see me. Somebody else might do some things, but not me. I text, though. I got to the point where I can text, I can call and do those things. So I'm getting pretty good. I really don't want anyone to know what I'm doing. I really don't think what I'm doing is that important. People don't have to know what I'm doing. It's no one's business but mine.''
-- Mike Ditka, on why he will not use Twitter, to the Chicago Sun-Times.
This is today's entry in the category of "Old People Who Proudly Refuse to Use Technology." Mike Ditka doesn't want people to know what he is doing and doesn't consider what he is doing important, but of course, he does want us to listen to his opinion and think that his opinion is important when he is on ESPN's NFL pregame show. He's not important in his own mind until he starts to talk about football. Then he's just a wealth of knowledge.
Jets fans, don't despair. I know you had your hearts set on a healthy David Garrard to be the bridge between 2013 and Geno Smith taking over the job in 2014. But this is the year -- or at least the summer -- of Mark Sanchez. It's doubtful Smith will do enough to win the Jets' starting job before camp breaks in August. Comparing what might have been (the last two years of Garrard, playing for the Jaguars in 2009 and 2010) to what Sanchez produced in his last two years for the Jets:
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"Never fear Jets fans! You were fucked with David Garrard as your starting quarterback anyway."
That seems to be the point Peter wants to prove here. There are a couple issues with this comparison. Actually more than couple:
1. Garrard wasn't 35 when he put up those numbers. He has not started regularly in two seasons, so he put those numbers up as a 31 and 32 year old quarterback.
2. The win-loss numbers have to take into account the team around these two quarterbacks.
3. Not only is Garrard's TD/INT differential much better than Sanchez's, but Sanchez threw 100 more passes over the two seasons and still had fewer yards per game than Garrard.
4. Seriously, this is supposed to make Jets fans feel better? How?
The Atlanta Falcons do not have a John or George or David or Chris or Daniel or Mark -- six of the 20 most common male names in the United States, according to the 2000 Census -- on their current 90-man roster.
2000 was 13 years ago. Isn't there more up-to-date data Peter could have used? Maybe use the Google machine to look up "2012 popular male baby names" or even "2013 popular male baby names."
They do, however, have players with these first names: Malliciah, Kroy, Shann, Kemal, Joplo, Stansly, Micanor, Saeed, Terren, Levine, Jacquizz, Roddy and Peria.
They don't have a Phillip or a Keith, but they have a Phillipkeith.
Peter is infatuated with pointing out funny names that football players have. Many of these players are minorities, so Peter is basically (yet again) marveling at how minorities name their children funny names. He's the very picture of an upper class white person. I can see him wearing a sweater over a long-sleeve shirt with loafers sipping a independent beer outside of a bar that charges $8 per beer.
Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week
Best thing about living in Manhattan: walking.
Best thing about being any human with two working legs: walking.
I was in a hurry twice in the past week.
Do tell both stories extremely in-depth. We need to hear these stories about you walking. God knows I haven't heard tell of these stories about how a person can walk somewhere.
The first time, I was rushing from my East Side apartment to the SI offices in midtown. It's a walk of about 17 minutes. I didn't have 17 minutes. Midday. Jumped in a cab.
Peter begins a story about walking by jumping into a cab. I think he is confused about exactly what it is that "walking" truly is. Maybe he thinks the act of watching other people walk means he is actually doing the walking himself. I'm starting to think these charity races he runs in just consist of Peter circling the track in a golf cart as those people who are actually running look at him in disbelief.
Big bottleneck at 51st and Lexington ahead. Inched forward through two, three four light changes. Paid the guy. Got out and walked. Aaaargh.
This is how important Peter believes that he is. He just told us a story about he got stuck in traffic and then had to walk to the SI offices. We are supposed to be interested by this.
The second time, I was late getting home from the office. About 5:15 p.m. and Avenue of the Americas (you might know it as Sixth Avenue) was a parking lot.
Wait, hold on a second. 5:15pm is LATE getting home from the office? Next time we hear Peter bitch about his travel schedule and the major inconveniences the life he has chosen causes him, let's all remember 5:15pm is LATE for him to be getting home from the office.
I knew I wouldn't save time in a cab. Walked again.
That's the story. Peter was late getting home, knew he wouldn't save time in a cab, so he walked. That's it. Story over.
I like walking. It's just that, when you're in a hurry in New York, it doesn't matter. Everything above ground is in quicksand.
Now imagine, and I don't want to scare you too much Peter, that you are late getting home and you can't walk home. Walking is great, so what do you do? Give us the answer, with SPECIFIC EXAMPLES of the steps you would take on how to make walking great next week in MMQB.
"Sad to see The Office go and while the cast is spectacular, it hasn't been the same without Michael Scott. Like Curb without Larry David."
-- @RaysJoeMaddon, the Tampa Bay manager, showing his depth of TV education.
Even those who didn't watch "The Office" knew it wasn't the same show without Steve Carell. But no, Joe Maddon is a genius.
Love how Maddon can multitask. He can figure a way to survive with David Price on the DL at the same time as watching the last episode of The Office.
Again, it really shouldn't be that hard to watch television while also using the great organizational pitching depth the Rays have to cover for Price's spot in the rotation over the next few weeks. The Rays are deep in terms of starting pitching.
Ten Things I Think I Think
1.I think I'd be surprised if when the 50th and 51st Super Bowls are announced in Boston on Tuesday, the sites chosen are not Santa Clara and Houston, in that order.
Let's also remember Peter was probably a little surprised the Jets didn't immediately cut Mark Sanchez after drafting Geno Smith and Peter also thought Joe Flacco wasn't going to be re-signed by the Ravens. These cities very well may be the Super Bowl sites, but what surprises Peter probably doesn't surprise others.
3. I think the early returns on Sean Payton's enthusiasm and verve for the New Orleans Saints job are extremely positive. He's Mr. Positive, from what I hear, instead of Mr. Bitter.
I can't figure out why Payton would be bitter, but I guess Peter really wants to go out of his way to compliment Sean Payton for having a good attitude after being punished for something he did. Good job, Sean Payton. You presided over a team that put bounties on opposing players and you aren't bitter about getting caught! Peter is impressed with you. What a man of great virtue you have become.
5. I think the Seahawks' six suspensions for positive tests in the last two calendar years -- only five players were sanctioned, because Richard Sherman's ban last year was thrown out due to chain-of-custody issues -- will make the 2014 free-agent period and draft very interesting for Seahawks GM John Schneider and coach Pete Carroll.
Hey, it's the NFC West, they sign and draft players other teams may not. That's what Peter tells us. So why would they care if a few players got suspended?
They'll almost have to draft and pursue Eagle Scouts because of all the recent violations; Seattle will have to show it's serious about acquiring disciplined and mature players.
Why would the Seahawks have to do that? This isn't Boy Scouts, it's football. So is Peter really telling us that the Seahawks are going to pass up on quality football players in free agency or pass up on re-signing their own quality players because a couple of them had a four-game suspension? Maybe if their production dips after coming back from the four-game suspension the Seahawks may not re-sign some of these players, but I don't think they HAVE to show they are serious about acquiring mature players. The Seahawks just have to show they can put a winning team together. All else will be forgiven.
6.I think now we know the free agent with the most pressure on him in September: Cliff Avril. With no Irvin on the field until Seattle's Oct. 6 game against the Colts, Avril will be Seattle's best pass-rush hope at Carolina, against San Francisco and Jacksonville at home, and at Houston.
Carolina and Jacksonville may not be very good next year, while the Seahawks are at home against the 49ers and the Texans have Derek Newton/Brennan Williams penciled in at right tackle on their depth chart right now. So much like how Peter tried to write off the Seahawks last year after Richard Sherman and Brandon Browner were suspended, Peter possibly shouldn't write off the Seahawks pass rush in mid-May.
7. I think -- no, I know --
Seriously Peter, stop---no, really, really stop---doing this. You can edit your document without interrupting yourself.
8. I think, Brandon Weeden, if you're worried about the Browns signing Brian Hoyer to compete for a quarterback job, you're not the guy for the job.
Weeden never said he was worried, Peter. In fact, there is a newspaper article with the heading, "Cleveland Browns QB Brandon Weeden 'surprised,' but not worried about Brian Hoyer signing." I can see how Peter would think Weeden was worried though with that ambiguous title. Plus, in the article Weeden confused the readers on whether he was worried or not with quotes like,
"It's part of this business and if you start worrying about it, that's too much to worry about. That's my mentality going forward."
Weeden said he hasn't been told what the Browns have in mind for Hoyer, 27, and that it's not his concern.
"I have no idea," Weeden said. "I'm worried about me."
Browns fans are worried about you too, Brandon.
He re-iterated what he said in March, that he feels he can beat out whomever the Browns put in his path.
So it sounds to the untrained eye, that eye being my eye, Weeden isn't and wasn't ever worried. I'm not an expert like Peter King though.
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
d. Loved the series finale of The Office. (Don't say I didn't warn you if you've DVRed and haven't watched.)
Peter's enjoyment of the show is now considered a spoiler. I am sure there is probably zero people out there who can't watch an episode of "The Office" without first getting Peter's opinion on the show.
This from a guy who hasn't watched the show in the last two years because the attempts to replace Michael Scott turned it into schlock.
A trusted opinion is what we get from Peter King when discussing television shows. He may not watch all of "The Office," but that certainly doesn't prevent him giving an opinion on the show. Of course everyone knows the show wasn't the same without Steve Carell, so there's that too.
e. If I were tweeting, I'd write: The Office finale > Seinfeld finale.
Well I can rest easy knowing this information.
k. The New Orleans Pelicans: I love that nickname.
Peter King would love this nickname. It's a great nickname for a minor league baseball team.
l. The Charlotte Hornets: I don't get that nickname.
Said Peter King in 1988 when the Hornets started playing in Charlotte using this nickname. I wouldn't expect Peter to get the nickname though. It's not as catchy and doesn't immediately put the fear of God in a team like playing the "Pelicans." I would shudder at having to play any team with a mascot that has a large throat pouch.
o. Coffeenerdness: Rumor has it there's Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf going up in the neighborhood. I can feel the addiction to the vanilla latte coming.
But what if they have long lines and one time an employee at the Coffee Bean and Teal Leaf gets Peter's name wrong? What will happen is the wrath of Hell, brought by Peter King, will come down on the establishment.
The Adieu Haiku
Three-four, or four-three?
For Freeney, that's the question.
Hey dude: Just get sacks.
I don't know how he does it. Somehow "The Adieu Haiku" gets more pointless and boring every week. How do you regress from something that is already this pointless and boring?
Monday, May 20, 2013
2 comments I'm Not Feeling Rick Reilly
I know we were all NFL Drafted out of late, so I held this post for a couple of weeks. Rick Reilly wrote about the NFL Draft and how he isn't "feeling" the draft. Get it? He's not "feeling" the draft. A "draft" refers to wind and you can feel the draft, but "draft" also refers to the choosing of amateur players by professional teams. It's a play on words AND it's annoying. What a combination that is and a combination that will be seen a few more times in this column. Rick hates sports and has very little knowledge about them, so his weak attempt at a Bill Simmons draft diary comes off as lazy and half-assed as his columns for ESPN tend to feel. Don't worry the title isn't the only bad pun in this column, and yes, Rick is still throwing the fact he is absurdly overpaid in our face. I don't know what Rick is paid now that he has a new contract with ESPN, but it's safe to assume he is still overpaid.
Have you ever had dinner in a hospital cafeteria? And there was nothing you wanted? But you had to choose anyway?
No, I lower my expectations upon entering the hospital cafeteria. It's a hospital cafeteria, not a Ruths Chris.
That's a little how NFL general managers must've felt Thursday night for Round 1 of the 2013 draft, which featured a talent pool so shallow, you could hardly wet your ankle bone.
Quite a few General Managers made mention of how the talent level was so deep from the middle of the lottery to the middle of the second round in this draft. The talent pool didn't have too many high points, but this was one of the deepest drafts in the last few years. I wouldn't expect Rick Reilly to know this because he doesn't like sports.
Still, it made for a wildly unpredictable evening, if you like that sort of thing.
And really, who watches sports for the unpredictability of it all?
These were the highlights, written on the fly, I swear:
The following column is Rick Reilly stealing the idea of a running diary from Bill Simmons. Bill Simmons didn't invent the running diary, but Rick is using the very same idea of a running diary for the very same kind of event Bill usually will write a running diary. I consider this to be stealing because they both work at the same company. Rick Reilly has to constantly reinforce his uselessness, so I'm surprised he didn't mention he stole this idea.
8 p.m. ET -- The big question tonight: Can the New York Jets get two first-round draft picks and still manage to suck?
Rick starts it off with a Jets joke. These jokes aren't funny when they come from a half-sports fan like Rick Reilly, who simply goes after low hanging fruit in the effort to get a cheap laugh.
8:03 -- The NFL has 23 players in the green room. Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o isn't one of them. He's in Hawaii and wants no cameras around. Maybe he'll have dinner somewhere. Perhaps he'll order the catfish?
Get it? Te'o got Catfished. This joke coming from the only guy who thought Lance Armstrong was innocent of using PEDs and defended Armstrong until the bitter end. So pot, meet kettle.
8:17 -- Weird note about Fisher: He gained 68 pounds in one year at Central Michigan, breaking a record set by JaMarcus Russell.
It's not weird because Fisher transitioned from a tight end to a left tackle. A weight gain was required. Now Rick includes a JaMarcus Russell joke in this sentence as well. The low hanging fruit just seems to get lower and lower.
Is this a sexy draft? No, this is not a sexy draft. It is John Madden in a lime-green peek-a-boo teddy.
(shakes head sadly that Rick Reilly gets paid to write this stuff)
No, actually, they trade their pick to Miami, which takes another player you've never heard of, outside linebacker Dion Jordan (Oregon),
No Rick, that's a player YOU have never heard of. I have heard of Dion Jordan, but you have not. You are the minority in this case. Jordan has never had a sad story to tell, so because Rick has no use for doing any actual sportswriting without a sad story to accompany an article he doesn't know who Dion Jordan is. Now if Dion Jordan's parents died in a car accident then Rick Reilly would know who Jordan is. That's the kind of sportswriter Rick is. It's not the sports he likes, but the stories around the sports...preferably Rick reports only the saccharine and overly-sentimental stories.
8:55 -- Best name in the draft goes to Cleveland -- defensive end Barkevious Mingo (LSU).
I would criticize Rick for this unoriginal joke, but he probably believes he is the first person to ever comment on Mingo's name. It must be nice to go through life highly-paid for doing a job and still have your head up your ass about the job you are heavily-paid to perform.
Arizona takes guard Jonathan Cooper (North Carolina), the fourth player over 300 pounds in the first seven picks. Even his head is big. New Era Cap tweets that his hat is size 8 1/8, the largest so far. We are here to inform.
"We"? Rick works for New Era Cap?
9:03 -- Naturally, the Bills trade their pick because they have cable TV and realize there are nothing but clipboard holders in this draft.
And it turns out the Bills traded back in order to draft EJ Manuel, a quarterback. Good call, Rick. The Bills realize there are nothing but clipboard holders in the draft, which is why they immediately back and drafted one of those clipboard holders.
9:25 -- Alabama gets two in a row when the Tennessee Titans take yet another lineman, guard Chance Warmack. Possible headlines tomorrow in The (Nashville) Tennessean:
Titans Take a Chance
Titans Go To War-mack
Wow, That Was a Really Dull Draft
This was a really dull draft that Rick Reilly is writing an entire column about. It's a boring draft, but much more exciting than any of the original ideas Rick had for a column. So there's that.
9:36 -- The Raiders get defensive back D.J. Hayden (Houston), who's lucky to be alive after getting hit so hard in practice last year that a vein in his heart ripped open. Most people die from that.
Rick Reilly, M.D.
If there were a television show called "Rick Reilly, M.D.," it would consist of Rick solving very obvious medical mysteries ("From what I see he was chopped in half by a helicopter blade. I feel like that may be what killed him.") and searching the hospital for the saddest story he could relay to the nurses in an effort to get laid.
10:04 -- First quarterback is taken, but it's not poor, forlorn Geno Smith. It's EJ Manuel (Florida State), who goes to the Bills.
Hey! Remember that time the Bills traded out of the #8 spot because Rick states they knew there were only clipboard holders in this draft? I guess that's not true anymore?
10:10 -- Random thought: You know what you don't see much at the NFL draft? Dads.
I'll let Spencer take over for me here. He wrote it better in an email to me:
While a pertinent observation that is an important point of discussion for Society in the 21st century, it has NO place in this column among shitty jokes, because itmakes it come off as an attempt at a shitty joke. Really cements him as the douchiest deucher of all time, at least in the sports journalism world (which has a lot of douchers; like the SEC of douchdom). It's almost as bad as when he wrote an entire column questioning CK's desire to have nothing to do with his birth parents because Reilly's adopted daughter met her birth parents and it was such a rewarding experience for Reilly.
Exactly. You would hope Rick would learn his lesson from when he took his values and immediately tried to force them on Kaepernick, while also seemingly standing in judgment for Kaepernick for not contacting his birth parents. Rick is better than everyone else, so he has never thought twice about how something that works for him and his family would not work for everyone else's family.
10:20 -- The New York Giants need a linebacker -- Te'o, anyone? -- but instead they take another lineman,
It's clear that Rick knows the name of only two draft-eligible players. He knows Geno Smith and Manti Te'o. He is constantly discussing them and making wise cracks about them, most likely because he has no clue who any of the other draft-eligible players are.
10:39 -- Geno Smith returns from watching "Book of Mormon." Missed nothing.
See? He knows Geno Smith didn't get drafted in the first round so he includes jokes about Geno Smith's wait in the green room.
10:40 -- Here's what I don't get. Why isn't anybody taking the Honey Badger, the fabulous playmaking defensive back/punt returner Tyrann Mathieu (LSU)?
Here's what I don't get. What about 10 positive drug tests, getting kicked off the LSU team, and just generally seeming like a walking red flag doesn't Rick get? Punt returners don't get drafted in the first round and 5'9" cornerbacks don't generally get drafted in the first round. Hell, at LSU Mathieu played the nickel spot a lot of times. Most teams won't draft a nickel corner (and now Mathieu is being converted to safety) in the first round. That's a reality and the fact Rick doesn't get this reality tells me all I need to know about Rick Reilly. He's clueless.
This kid is going to be a monster in this league. Yeah, he's small, but so was Darrell Green, and he's in the Hall of Fame.
Darrell Green. Tyrann Mathieu. Two completely and utterly different players.
Yeah, they say he's trouble, but they said that about Dan Marino, too.
I must have missed the story about Dan Marino failing ten drug tests and getting kicked off the Pitt University football team. (Does a quick Google search) Yep, Marino never failed a drug test or got kicked off the team. So....................this comparison is just a crock of horseshit.
Plus, he's got something else none of the players taken so far have.
People have actually heard of him.
Meaning: Rick Reilly has heard of him. That makes three draft-eligible prospects Rick Reilly had heard of. We all know the best way to succeed in the NFL is to make sure a lot of people know you. Having a cute nickname and some good/bad press that gets your name out there always turns into an illustrious Hall of Fame career.
I'm running out of words to use while insulting Rick Reilly for his overall lack of knowledge. I'm going to have to rally.
11:15 -- With the 28th pick, Denver takes defensive tackle Sylvester Williams (North Carolina).
11:17 -- Cancel that Sylvester Williams pick for Denver. Fax didn't go through.
This is a not funny AND completely inaccurate joke. NFL teams don't use faxes to turn their first round pick in. They write the player's name on a card and give the card to an NFL representative.
11:33 -- Rumor is the Vikings will trade three picks to the Patriots to get the 29th pick. The Vikings need a linebacker. Rumor is they've been talking to you know who.
Te'o? Te'o? Te'o?
This is a typical ESPN column because Manti Te'o is mentioned constantly. I have to think Rick only watched Notre Dame football games this year so that when his column about how irrelevant the Fighting Irish had become ended up being true he could write a column about how smart he is. It didn't turn out that way obviously, but it did help Rick learn the name of not just one, not two, but three NFL draft prospects.
11:44 -- The Ravens, who lost middle linebacker Ray Lewis, and need a middle linebacker (did we mention Manti Te'o is a middle linebacker?)
The Ravens need a good middle linebacker, not the guy who we last saw cowering in fear as the Alabama offensive line ran all over him. Arthur Brown was also a middle linebacker and the Ravens smartly drafted him.
11:45 -- Overall in this first round, we went through a paltry five skill players, a massive 18 linemen of one kind or another, and six Advil.
Six Advil...sounds like what the normal person has to pop in order to make it all of the way through one of Rick's 500 word columns.
Midnight -- Somewhere, Manti Te'o weeps into his pupu platter.
And now Rick is stealing "pupu platter" from Bill Simmons. Sure, he is using it in a completely different context, but it's not shameless enough of him to steal the idea of a draft diary from his ESPN co-worker, but now he is stealing certain phrases from Bill too?
I'm still not sure I completely blame Rick Reilly for his own suckitude. Being terrible comes naturally to Rick, and like a child, he is only going to do as much work as he is being asked to do. I blame ESPN for giving Rick another contract and forcing their ESPN.com audience to endure another few years of Reilly columns. Someday ESPN will pay the price for making bad personnel decisions that their audience does not seem to appreciate (Skip Bayless, Chris Berman, John Kruk), but for now they can afford to allow Rick Reilly to crank out terrible columns since there is no threat of competition.
I don't know how much Rick got paid in his new contract, but if it is more than minimum wage then he was paid too much.
Have you ever had dinner in a hospital cafeteria? And there was nothing you wanted? But you had to choose anyway?
No, I lower my expectations upon entering the hospital cafeteria. It's a hospital cafeteria, not a Ruths Chris.
That's a little how NFL general managers must've felt Thursday night for Round 1 of the 2013 draft, which featured a talent pool so shallow, you could hardly wet your ankle bone.
Quite a few General Managers made mention of how the talent level was so deep from the middle of the lottery to the middle of the second round in this draft. The talent pool didn't have too many high points, but this was one of the deepest drafts in the last few years. I wouldn't expect Rick Reilly to know this because he doesn't like sports.
Still, it made for a wildly unpredictable evening, if you like that sort of thing.
And really, who watches sports for the unpredictability of it all?
These were the highlights, written on the fly, I swear:
The following column is Rick Reilly stealing the idea of a running diary from Bill Simmons. Bill Simmons didn't invent the running diary, but Rick is using the very same idea of a running diary for the very same kind of event Bill usually will write a running diary. I consider this to be stealing because they both work at the same company. Rick Reilly has to constantly reinforce his uselessness, so I'm surprised he didn't mention he stole this idea.
8 p.m. ET -- The big question tonight: Can the New York Jets get two first-round draft picks and still manage to suck?
Rick starts it off with a Jets joke. These jokes aren't funny when they come from a half-sports fan like Rick Reilly, who simply goes after low hanging fruit in the effort to get a cheap laugh.
8:03 -- The NFL has 23 players in the green room. Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o isn't one of them. He's in Hawaii and wants no cameras around. Maybe he'll have dinner somewhere. Perhaps he'll order the catfish?
Get it? Te'o got Catfished. This joke coming from the only guy who thought Lance Armstrong was innocent of using PEDs and defended Armstrong until the bitter end. So pot, meet kettle.
8:17 -- Weird note about Fisher: He gained 68 pounds in one year at Central Michigan, breaking a record set by JaMarcus Russell.
It's not weird because Fisher transitioned from a tight end to a left tackle. A weight gain was required. Now Rick includes a JaMarcus Russell joke in this sentence as well. The low hanging fruit just seems to get lower and lower.
Is this a sexy draft? No, this is not a sexy draft. It is John Madden in a lime-green peek-a-boo teddy.
(shakes head sadly that Rick Reilly gets paid to write this stuff)
No, actually, they trade their pick to Miami, which takes another player you've never heard of, outside linebacker Dion Jordan (Oregon),
No Rick, that's a player YOU have never heard of. I have heard of Dion Jordan, but you have not. You are the minority in this case. Jordan has never had a sad story to tell, so because Rick has no use for doing any actual sportswriting without a sad story to accompany an article he doesn't know who Dion Jordan is. Now if Dion Jordan's parents died in a car accident then Rick Reilly would know who Jordan is. That's the kind of sportswriter Rick is. It's not the sports he likes, but the stories around the sports...preferably Rick reports only the saccharine and overly-sentimental stories.
8:55 -- Best name in the draft goes to Cleveland -- defensive end Barkevious Mingo (LSU).
I would criticize Rick for this unoriginal joke, but he probably believes he is the first person to ever comment on Mingo's name. It must be nice to go through life highly-paid for doing a job and still have your head up your ass about the job you are heavily-paid to perform.
Arizona takes guard Jonathan Cooper (North Carolina), the fourth player over 300 pounds in the first seven picks. Even his head is big. New Era Cap tweets that his hat is size 8 1/8, the largest so far. We are here to inform.
"We"? Rick works for New Era Cap?
9:03 -- Naturally, the Bills trade their pick because they have cable TV and realize there are nothing but clipboard holders in this draft.
And it turns out the Bills traded back in order to draft EJ Manuel, a quarterback. Good call, Rick. The Bills realize there are nothing but clipboard holders in the draft, which is why they immediately back and drafted one of those clipboard holders.
9:25 -- Alabama gets two in a row when the Tennessee Titans take yet another lineman, guard Chance Warmack. Possible headlines tomorrow in The (Nashville) Tennessean:
Titans Take a Chance
Titans Go To War-mack
Wow, That Was a Really Dull Draft
This was a really dull draft that Rick Reilly is writing an entire column about. It's a boring draft, but much more exciting than any of the original ideas Rick had for a column. So there's that.
9:36 -- The Raiders get defensive back D.J. Hayden (Houston), who's lucky to be alive after getting hit so hard in practice last year that a vein in his heart ripped open. Most people die from that.
Rick Reilly, M.D.
If there were a television show called "Rick Reilly, M.D.," it would consist of Rick solving very obvious medical mysteries ("From what I see he was chopped in half by a helicopter blade. I feel like that may be what killed him.") and searching the hospital for the saddest story he could relay to the nurses in an effort to get laid.
10:04 -- First quarterback is taken, but it's not poor, forlorn Geno Smith. It's EJ Manuel (Florida State), who goes to the Bills.
Hey! Remember that time the Bills traded out of the #8 spot because Rick states they knew there were only clipboard holders in this draft? I guess that's not true anymore?
10:10 -- Random thought: You know what you don't see much at the NFL draft? Dads.
I'll let Spencer take over for me here. He wrote it better in an email to me:
While a pertinent observation that is an important point of discussion for Society in the 21st century, it has NO place in this column among shitty jokes, because itmakes it come off as an attempt at a shitty joke. Really cements him as the douchiest deucher of all time, at least in the sports journalism world (which has a lot of douchers; like the SEC of douchdom). It's almost as bad as when he wrote an entire column questioning CK's desire to have nothing to do with his birth parents because Reilly's adopted daughter met her birth parents and it was such a rewarding experience for Reilly.
Exactly. You would hope Rick would learn his lesson from when he took his values and immediately tried to force them on Kaepernick, while also seemingly standing in judgment for Kaepernick for not contacting his birth parents. Rick is better than everyone else, so he has never thought twice about how something that works for him and his family would not work for everyone else's family.
10:20 -- The New York Giants need a linebacker -- Te'o, anyone? -- but instead they take another lineman,
It's clear that Rick knows the name of only two draft-eligible players. He knows Geno Smith and Manti Te'o. He is constantly discussing them and making wise cracks about them, most likely because he has no clue who any of the other draft-eligible players are.
10:39 -- Geno Smith returns from watching "Book of Mormon." Missed nothing.
See? He knows Geno Smith didn't get drafted in the first round so he includes jokes about Geno Smith's wait in the green room.
10:40 -- Here's what I don't get. Why isn't anybody taking the Honey Badger, the fabulous playmaking defensive back/punt returner Tyrann Mathieu (LSU)?
Here's what I don't get. What about 10 positive drug tests, getting kicked off the LSU team, and just generally seeming like a walking red flag doesn't Rick get? Punt returners don't get drafted in the first round and 5'9" cornerbacks don't generally get drafted in the first round. Hell, at LSU Mathieu played the nickel spot a lot of times. Most teams won't draft a nickel corner (and now Mathieu is being converted to safety) in the first round. That's a reality and the fact Rick doesn't get this reality tells me all I need to know about Rick Reilly. He's clueless.
This kid is going to be a monster in this league. Yeah, he's small, but so was Darrell Green, and he's in the Hall of Fame.
Darrell Green. Tyrann Mathieu. Two completely and utterly different players.
Yeah, they say he's trouble, but they said that about Dan Marino, too.
I must have missed the story about Dan Marino failing ten drug tests and getting kicked off the Pitt University football team. (Does a quick Google search) Yep, Marino never failed a drug test or got kicked off the team. So....................this comparison is just a crock of horseshit.
Plus, he's got something else none of the players taken so far have.
People have actually heard of him.
Meaning: Rick Reilly has heard of him. That makes three draft-eligible prospects Rick Reilly had heard of. We all know the best way to succeed in the NFL is to make sure a lot of people know you. Having a cute nickname and some good/bad press that gets your name out there always turns into an illustrious Hall of Fame career.
I'm running out of words to use while insulting Rick Reilly for his overall lack of knowledge. I'm going to have to rally.
11:15 -- With the 28th pick, Denver takes defensive tackle Sylvester Williams (North Carolina).
11:17 -- Cancel that Sylvester Williams pick for Denver. Fax didn't go through.
This is a not funny AND completely inaccurate joke. NFL teams don't use faxes to turn their first round pick in. They write the player's name on a card and give the card to an NFL representative.
11:33 -- Rumor is the Vikings will trade three picks to the Patriots to get the 29th pick. The Vikings need a linebacker. Rumor is they've been talking to you know who.
Te'o? Te'o? Te'o?
This is a typical ESPN column because Manti Te'o is mentioned constantly. I have to think Rick only watched Notre Dame football games this year so that when his column about how irrelevant the Fighting Irish had become ended up being true he could write a column about how smart he is. It didn't turn out that way obviously, but it did help Rick learn the name of not just one, not two, but three NFL draft prospects.
11:44 -- The Ravens, who lost middle linebacker Ray Lewis, and need a middle linebacker (did we mention Manti Te'o is a middle linebacker?)
The Ravens need a good middle linebacker, not the guy who we last saw cowering in fear as the Alabama offensive line ran all over him. Arthur Brown was also a middle linebacker and the Ravens smartly drafted him.
11:45 -- Overall in this first round, we went through a paltry five skill players, a massive 18 linemen of one kind or another, and six Advil.
Six Advil...sounds like what the normal person has to pop in order to make it all of the way through one of Rick's 500 word columns.
Midnight -- Somewhere, Manti Te'o weeps into his pupu platter.
And now Rick is stealing "pupu platter" from Bill Simmons. Sure, he is using it in a completely different context, but it's not shameless enough of him to steal the idea of a draft diary from his ESPN co-worker, but now he is stealing certain phrases from Bill too?
I'm still not sure I completely blame Rick Reilly for his own suckitude. Being terrible comes naturally to Rick, and like a child, he is only going to do as much work as he is being asked to do. I blame ESPN for giving Rick another contract and forcing their ESPN.com audience to endure another few years of Reilly columns. Someday ESPN will pay the price for making bad personnel decisions that their audience does not seem to appreciate (Skip Bayless, Chris Berman, John Kruk), but for now they can afford to allow Rick Reilly to crank out terrible columns since there is no threat of competition.
I don't know how much Rick got paid in his new contract, but if it is more than minimum wage then he was paid too much.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
6 comments Marcus Hayes Goes the Passive-Aggressive Route to Criticize the Use of Analytics in Sports
The Philadelphia 76ers have hired Sam Hinkie as their new president of basketball operations and general manager. They fired (wait, I'm sorry he resigned and is now an advisor to the team...so he completely wasn't fired nor was he going to be fired) Doug Collins, which really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone who has paid attention to Collins' coaching history. Take a look at Collins' coaching record and you will notice two things. He's pretty good at turning teams around, but he doesn't stay long. The 76ers have hired a Stanford MBA graduate (that's Hinkie) as their new GM and Marcus Hayes is feeling very passive-aggressive about it. It's not that he doesn't like the hire, because he doesn't have quite the balls necessary to come out and say this, but he seems quite suspicious of whether this more analytical approach is going to work or not. It seems a Stanford MBA is very impressive unless you plan on getting a job in sports. Actually, it's fine to get a job playing sports and have a degree from Stanford (see: Andrew Luck, various other athletes who graduated from Stanford), the media loves that, but don't ever think of graduating from Stanford with an advanced degree and believe you can work in the front office of a professional team. Stanford degrees are only good for playing sports, not running a sports team.
Josh Harris acquired Twinkies and Hinkie in the same calendar year.
Either move could make the billionaire investor look like a Ding Dong.
What a gripping first sentence. I'm enraptured with this column already. Analytics are stupid. Long live measuring a player's ability through intangibles like how much heart the player has and clutchiness.
Harris' group of investment sharks, Apollo Global Management, in March bought a piece of Hostess out of bankruptcy.
Harris' group of hoops hobbyists, the Philadelphia 76ers, last week hired 35-year-old Stanford MBA graduate Sam Hinkie to be the team's president of basketball operations and general manager.
Making an attempt to purchase a company out of bankruptcy is being an "investment shark," while buying the 76ers is being a "hobbyist." I like how Hayes shades his comments. Basketball is just a hobby because Josh Harris clearly knows nothing about sports since he received an MBA from Stanford. Anyone who goes to Stanford for business can't know anything about sports. These types of people only understand numbers and how to run a business, and we all know running or managing a professional sports team doesn't require any knowledge on how to understand numbers nor is a sports team a business.
Twinkies have a timeless allure.
Hinkie is more the flavor of the month.
I see Hayes is going for the Bill Plaschke method of journalism in writing one sentence per paragraph. It's always fun to read an article written by a grown man that reads like a four year old's book about a boy and his lost dog.
"Billy woke up very sad."
"He couldn't find his dog, Sam. Where is Sam?"
"Billy went outside to look for Sam."
Considering the evolving nature of sports, Hinkie's profile and his background might endear him to half of the Sixers' fan base and doom him in the eyes of the rest.
Since sports are evolving towards more stats-oriented performance measurements and we all know any type of evolution is only a fad, clearly this is a good reason for Hinkie to be the flavor of the month. Who cares if the definition of "evolution" would indicate that something that is evolving isn't only doing so for a short period of time? Marcus likes that word and doesn't care if the use of the word in this sentence above contradicts his contention Hinkie is a flavor of the month.
Half a decade will pass before Hinkie's analytics-based approach can be fairly judged.
And outside of the 76ers winning a few NBA titles I don't think it will be fairly judged even at that point by Hayes.
Harris, whose investments also have included cruise lines, knows a bad boat when he sees it. This 34-win ship is listing severely.
Oh, so Harris knows a bad boat simply because he owns a cruise line? What does Harris and his investment group know about a cruise line? He isn't a travel agent and he has never been the captain of a ship. You can't just plug numbers into a computer and this means guests on a cruise ship will have a great time. Harris probably hasn't ever been out of his mom's basement, much less been in the sun long enough to know how to run a cruise line. Yet he thinks he knows how to run a cruise line? There are real people who work on the ship, not just numbers that can be put in a calculation. You can't calculate fun!
(See how silly this type of criticism sounds when not applied to sports and applied to other types of businesses?)
Hinkie was part of the Rockets' retooling this past offseason that landed James Harden, Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik. He worked under Houston GM Daryl Morey, a new-age, big-picture man who runs his operation without fear of ridicule.
He runs his operation without fear of ridicule mainly because there isn't a reason to ridicule him. Also, I can't believe Marcus Hayes just described an NBA GM as a "big-picture man." This just seems like a description that goes without saying. There are probably GM's who don't seemingly look at the big-picture, but it is a GM's job to look at the big-picture. It's incredibly necessary. This description should go without mention because it seems so obvious from the job description to be an NBA GM. It's sad he has to include this description because it means there are not big-picture GM's running NBA teams.
Hinkie will be given a sledgehammer and a smartphone by Harris, a fellow geek.
And there is nothing wrong with being given a sledgehammer to change a team Marcus Hayes describes as:
This 34-win ship is listing severely.
Also, a lot of people have a smartphone. It's not just for geeks. Putting a smartphone together with calling someone a geek simply displays your own ignorance and fear of technology. It's not a good look. Of course Marcus Hayes was responsible for this classic chat, so I guess all bets are off when he writes a column. I guess we are just lucky he isn't calling Josh Harris a racist.
Fortysomethings and their elders likely will roll their eyes and regard Hinkie as part of an overvalued wave of fantasy nerds
Of course Marcus would never think these same things about Hinkie. This last sentence is what everyone else thinks about the Hinkie hire and not Marcus Hayes' opinion. Not at all. He is just very good at describing how these fortysomethings and their elders feel.
who use probabilities as sacred texts and who forsake what their eyes and their hearts (and their scouts) tell them.
Very impressive. This is one of the least intelligent descriptions of those who use analytics to evaluate basketball players. It's hard to see how Marcus Hayes has a clue about what he is discussing or trying to prove when he writes shit like this. I'm betting Marcus really thinks the Houston Rockets don't even have scouts. They just have a huge computer and Daryl Morey sitting in a room making decisions on which players to sign or draft without ever watching these players play. Even if the Rockets had scouts they would simply ignore them and do what their spreadsheets and "sacred texts" tell them to do. I'm not even sure what the fuck a "sacred text" is, but it's clear Marcus Hayes is very afraid of statistics, but not afraid at all of sounding like an ignorant dumbass when discussing said statistics.
It never fails to amuse me how these sportswriters frame those who use analytics to evaluate players. These sportswriters frame these descriptions in a way that is chock-full of ignorance and an outright fear of any alternative method of evaluating a player.
The thirtysomethings and their Freakonomics legions likely will rejoice that the Sixers have moved past sexagenarian Doug Collins, the crusty coach who just quit.
I love the assumption the "Freakonomics legions" are as closed-minded as those who criticize the "Freakonomics legions" seem to be. It's not entirely true in my opinion. Marcus Hayes did refer to Collins' exit as like a Shakespeare tragedy of sorts, so I'm not even sure what to take from that.
Replacing Collins, of course, will be Hinkie's most urgent task.
Most NBA teams do need a head coach. It's always an important position to fill.
Pacers GM Kevin Pritchard was a panelist at the MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference in March, where the ComicCon alumni
This is just weak. I think bashing nerds has become the new puff piece. If a columnist is looking for an easy writing assignment that won't require much thought and one in which he can basically just re-word previously written works, just write about nerds and use a few generic references to what nerds like (basements, computers, comic books, ComicCon, statistics). It's like Mad-Libs for sportswriters.
who now work in sports administration meet to plot their revenge against the jocks they employ.
Why would they want revenge? Because they got wedgies in the locker room after P.E.in middle school, that's why! This shitty article almost writes itself.
Hinkie was a candidate for the same job last year, but Collins' distaste for applied analytics and his assumption of complete control of the franchise would have clashed with Hinkie's religion.
Oh, so the coach who just resigned and helped built a 34 win team didn't like Hinkie and this is a strike against Hinkie? Of course no analytics-bashing column would be complete without a reference to analytics as a "religion," as if Collins' own distaste for applied analytics and wanting complete control of the franchise can't be perceived as a religion in its own right.
The Sixers opted instead to promote Tony DiLeo, a loyal soldier for more than 2 decades – who, it should be noted, appreciates analytics in NBA strategies. DiLeo is expected to be let go.
Just another strike against analytics, the religion of dorks. Applied analytics didn't work for one season so they clearly will never work.
And, lest anyone throw aside conventional wisdoms, consider this: The Oakland A's, sport's pioneer into calculus-dependent franchise-building, have made the playoffs just six times in Billy Beane's 15 seasons as GM, and have won one playoff series.
Morons like Marcus Hayes don't even understand what they are criticizing. The A's don't claim to know everything. They play in a small market and don't feel they have a chance at making the playoffs at all if they don't look for overlooked players and inefficiencies in the market. That's what they are about, looking for inefficiencies in the market, not worshiping statistics.
How much credit should Hinkie get for Houston's qualified success? Who are his guys?
Fashionable, serviceable point guard Lin? Prized shooting guard Harden?
You can't really argue against the acquisition of James Harden. That was a great move.
Did Hinkie slam his red stapler on Morey's desk and threaten to burn down the building if Asik stayed in Chicago?
And we have a random "Office Space" reference. Let's brainstorm how this one came about. A character in "Office Space" loved his stapler, he was moved around the office a lot, had his office moved to the basement, and eventually burnt down the building. Nerds live in the basement. Hinkie is a nerd who lives in the basement so he obviously has a red stapler and is prone to burning buildings down. Brainstorm done. That's how we got to the random "Office Space" reference.
Of course, there are facets to running a team that cannot be graphed.
There are also facets of running a team that can't be seen through the eyes of a grizzled old scout.
How do you quantify chemistry?
That's easy. Bill Simmons says chemistry can be quantified by counting the number of high fives a team gives to each other.
What metric gauges the likelihood of, say, players eating chicken and drinking beer in the clubhouse during games?
What's the likelihood eating chicken and beer in the clubhouse during a game will cause a team to lose quite a few games in a row?
Even if Hinkie is an eyes-on GM, an eager, tireless scout, does that mean he knows what he's seeing?
One would hope Hinkie understands and knows what he is seeing, though contrary to Marcus Hayes' opinion, the 76ers will still employ scouts that will give reports on what they see to Hinkie.
Harris has hired what he knows; what has worked for him in the past. Dispassionate acquisition and manipulation of resources, inevitable "reorganization" of "assets," resulted in a lack of humanism that helped lead to the disastrous moves the Sixers made last year.
But you just said that Doug Collins wouldn't relinquish complete control of the 76ers team and that is why Hinkie wasn't considered for GM last year. You can't have it both ways. The 76ers can't have rejected Hinkie's methods while also adopting them and failing in the process. Don't blame Hinkie for another GM's failings simply because you are not informed enough to understand how applied analytics works in the NBA.
The questions about Bynum's toughness, professionalism and commitment all turned out to be warranted. Any questions about Andre Iguodala's value were not.
Marcus Hayes has a huge hard-on for Andre Iguodala. I would imagine he has spent quite a few nights outside of Iguodala's residence reciting poetry that extols Iguodala's virtues to all within ear shot. Iguodala is to Marcus Hayes as Brett Favre is to Peter King.
Still, teams implement everything they can to produce wins. Consider some of the better teams over the past few seasons.
After passive-aggressively bashing applied analytics, this is the part where Marcus Hayes desperately plays both sides and starts to acknowledge some of these methods could work. See, he is against and for the use of applied analytics. However it works out for the 76ers in the future, he will be right, and can write a column saying how he KNEW this is the outcome that would occur if the 76ers used/didn't use applied analytics to evaluate basketball players.
The Celtics, operating in the shadow of the sabergeeks at Fenway, hired Harvard law grad Mike Zarren almost a decade ago, and he advanced to assistant GM as the team acquired stars like Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen – but also was bolstered by less-heralded veterans Jeff Green and Brandon Bass.
I wouldn't say the acquisition of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen was an analytics decision any more than it was a decision to trade for two Hall of Fame players who wanted a championship ring.
Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is rabid about analytics. The Spurs, perhaps the benchmark for professionalism, have used an analytics arm for years. Heat coach Erik Spoelstra created the team's stats system when he was Pat Riley's gofer, and Spoelstra uses the software to run simulations.
It's almost like when analytics are applied with the use of old-fashioned scouting, along with good coaching, they can help a team win playoff games be successful. Choosing to use analytics isn't necessarily an "either/or" situation when compared to the decision to use grizzled, old scouts. Marcus Hayes is very desperate to paint it as an "either/or" situation though.
15 NBA teams that have installed SportVU, the Stats, Inc. camera system that tracks players and the ball and how they relate and interact. SportVU is not, of course, the only such tool, nor is it universally loved by analytic nuts. The Heat, for instance, does not have one.
Again, it is almost like all stats geeks aren't exactly alike. What a shock that is for Marcus since he much prefers placing any ideas or theories he doesn't like or understand into a little box and make generalized, universal assumptions about the people who believe or follow those ideas or theories.
The Sixers also hired Aaron Barzilai in November, long after he might have analyzed a trade for a player such as, say, Andrew Bynum . . . an unfortunate timing development, perhaps.
Barzilai's basketballvalue.com website computed players' values for the two seasons that preceded the end of the 2012 playoffs.
The website showed that, remarkably, Andre Iguodala was slightly more valuable than Kevin Durant . . . and was worth considerably more than Andrew Bynum.
Any measure that says Andre Iguodala is very, very valuable is a measure that Marcus Hayes can get behind. Maybe that's what this column was all about really, making sure the reader knew that trading Hayes' idol and BFF Andre Iguodala was a bad idea.
This column had zero "likes" on Facebook at the time I wrote this column. This shouldn't be a shock after all, only nerds use computers for such things like Facebook.
Josh Harris acquired Twinkies and Hinkie in the same calendar year.
Either move could make the billionaire investor look like a Ding Dong.
What a gripping first sentence. I'm enraptured with this column already. Analytics are stupid. Long live measuring a player's ability through intangibles like how much heart the player has and clutchiness.
Harris' group of investment sharks, Apollo Global Management, in March bought a piece of Hostess out of bankruptcy.
Harris' group of hoops hobbyists, the Philadelphia 76ers, last week hired 35-year-old Stanford MBA graduate Sam Hinkie to be the team's president of basketball operations and general manager.
Making an attempt to purchase a company out of bankruptcy is being an "investment shark," while buying the 76ers is being a "hobbyist." I like how Hayes shades his comments. Basketball is just a hobby because Josh Harris clearly knows nothing about sports since he received an MBA from Stanford. Anyone who goes to Stanford for business can't know anything about sports. These types of people only understand numbers and how to run a business, and we all know running or managing a professional sports team doesn't require any knowledge on how to understand numbers nor is a sports team a business.
Twinkies have a timeless allure.
Hinkie is more the flavor of the month.
I see Hayes is going for the Bill Plaschke method of journalism in writing one sentence per paragraph. It's always fun to read an article written by a grown man that reads like a four year old's book about a boy and his lost dog.
"Billy woke up very sad."
"He couldn't find his dog, Sam. Where is Sam?"
"Billy went outside to look for Sam."
Considering the evolving nature of sports, Hinkie's profile and his background might endear him to half of the Sixers' fan base and doom him in the eyes of the rest.
Since sports are evolving towards more stats-oriented performance measurements and we all know any type of evolution is only a fad, clearly this is a good reason for Hinkie to be the flavor of the month. Who cares if the definition of "evolution" would indicate that something that is evolving isn't only doing so for a short period of time? Marcus likes that word and doesn't care if the use of the word in this sentence above contradicts his contention Hinkie is a flavor of the month.
Half a decade will pass before Hinkie's analytics-based approach can be fairly judged.
And outside of the 76ers winning a few NBA titles I don't think it will be fairly judged even at that point by Hayes.
Harris, whose investments also have included cruise lines, knows a bad boat when he sees it. This 34-win ship is listing severely.
Oh, so Harris knows a bad boat simply because he owns a cruise line? What does Harris and his investment group know about a cruise line? He isn't a travel agent and he has never been the captain of a ship. You can't just plug numbers into a computer and this means guests on a cruise ship will have a great time. Harris probably hasn't ever been out of his mom's basement, much less been in the sun long enough to know how to run a cruise line. Yet he thinks he knows how to run a cruise line? There are real people who work on the ship, not just numbers that can be put in a calculation. You can't calculate fun!
(See how silly this type of criticism sounds when not applied to sports and applied to other types of businesses?)
Hinkie was part of the Rockets' retooling this past offseason that landed James Harden, Jeremy Lin and Omer Asik. He worked under Houston GM Daryl Morey, a new-age, big-picture man who runs his operation without fear of ridicule.
He runs his operation without fear of ridicule mainly because there isn't a reason to ridicule him. Also, I can't believe Marcus Hayes just described an NBA GM as a "big-picture man." This just seems like a description that goes without saying. There are probably GM's who don't seemingly look at the big-picture, but it is a GM's job to look at the big-picture. It's incredibly necessary. This description should go without mention because it seems so obvious from the job description to be an NBA GM. It's sad he has to include this description because it means there are not big-picture GM's running NBA teams.
Hinkie will be given a sledgehammer and a smartphone by Harris, a fellow geek.
And there is nothing wrong with being given a sledgehammer to change a team Marcus Hayes describes as:
This 34-win ship is listing severely.
Also, a lot of people have a smartphone. It's not just for geeks. Putting a smartphone together with calling someone a geek simply displays your own ignorance and fear of technology. It's not a good look. Of course Marcus Hayes was responsible for this classic chat, so I guess all bets are off when he writes a column. I guess we are just lucky he isn't calling Josh Harris a racist.
Fortysomethings and their elders likely will roll their eyes and regard Hinkie as part of an overvalued wave of fantasy nerds
Of course Marcus would never think these same things about Hinkie. This last sentence is what everyone else thinks about the Hinkie hire and not Marcus Hayes' opinion. Not at all. He is just very good at describing how these fortysomethings and their elders feel.
who use probabilities as sacred texts and who forsake what their eyes and their hearts (and their scouts) tell them.
Very impressive. This is one of the least intelligent descriptions of those who use analytics to evaluate basketball players. It's hard to see how Marcus Hayes has a clue about what he is discussing or trying to prove when he writes shit like this. I'm betting Marcus really thinks the Houston Rockets don't even have scouts. They just have a huge computer and Daryl Morey sitting in a room making decisions on which players to sign or draft without ever watching these players play. Even if the Rockets had scouts they would simply ignore them and do what their spreadsheets and "sacred texts" tell them to do. I'm not even sure what the fuck a "sacred text" is, but it's clear Marcus Hayes is very afraid of statistics, but not afraid at all of sounding like an ignorant dumbass when discussing said statistics.
It never fails to amuse me how these sportswriters frame those who use analytics to evaluate players. These sportswriters frame these descriptions in a way that is chock-full of ignorance and an outright fear of any alternative method of evaluating a player.
The thirtysomethings and their Freakonomics legions likely will rejoice that the Sixers have moved past sexagenarian Doug Collins, the crusty coach who just quit.
I love the assumption the "Freakonomics legions" are as closed-minded as those who criticize the "Freakonomics legions" seem to be. It's not entirely true in my opinion. Marcus Hayes did refer to Collins' exit as like a Shakespeare tragedy of sorts, so I'm not even sure what to take from that.
Replacing Collins, of course, will be Hinkie's most urgent task.
Most NBA teams do need a head coach. It's always an important position to fill.
Pacers GM Kevin Pritchard was a panelist at the MIT Sloan Sports Analytics Conference in March, where the ComicCon alumni
This is just weak. I think bashing nerds has become the new puff piece. If a columnist is looking for an easy writing assignment that won't require much thought and one in which he can basically just re-word previously written works, just write about nerds and use a few generic references to what nerds like (basements, computers, comic books, ComicCon, statistics). It's like Mad-Libs for sportswriters.
who now work in sports administration meet to plot their revenge against the jocks they employ.
Why would they want revenge? Because they got wedgies in the locker room after P.E.in middle school, that's why! This shitty article almost writes itself.
Hinkie was a candidate for the same job last year, but Collins' distaste for applied analytics and his assumption of complete control of the franchise would have clashed with Hinkie's religion.
Oh, so the coach who just resigned and helped built a 34 win team didn't like Hinkie and this is a strike against Hinkie? Of course no analytics-bashing column would be complete without a reference to analytics as a "religion," as if Collins' own distaste for applied analytics and wanting complete control of the franchise can't be perceived as a religion in its own right.
The Sixers opted instead to promote Tony DiLeo, a loyal soldier for more than 2 decades – who, it should be noted, appreciates analytics in NBA strategies. DiLeo is expected to be let go.
Just another strike against analytics, the religion of dorks. Applied analytics didn't work for one season so they clearly will never work.
And, lest anyone throw aside conventional wisdoms, consider this: The Oakland A's, sport's pioneer into calculus-dependent franchise-building, have made the playoffs just six times in Billy Beane's 15 seasons as GM, and have won one playoff series.
Morons like Marcus Hayes don't even understand what they are criticizing. The A's don't claim to know everything. They play in a small market and don't feel they have a chance at making the playoffs at all if they don't look for overlooked players and inefficiencies in the market. That's what they are about, looking for inefficiencies in the market, not worshiping statistics.
How much credit should Hinkie get for Houston's qualified success? Who are his guys?
Fashionable, serviceable point guard Lin? Prized shooting guard Harden?
You can't really argue against the acquisition of James Harden. That was a great move.
Did Hinkie slam his red stapler on Morey's desk and threaten to burn down the building if Asik stayed in Chicago?
And we have a random "Office Space" reference. Let's brainstorm how this one came about. A character in "Office Space" loved his stapler, he was moved around the office a lot, had his office moved to the basement, and eventually burnt down the building. Nerds live in the basement. Hinkie is a nerd who lives in the basement so he obviously has a red stapler and is prone to burning buildings down. Brainstorm done. That's how we got to the random "Office Space" reference.
Of course, there are facets to running a team that cannot be graphed.
There are also facets of running a team that can't be seen through the eyes of a grizzled old scout.
How do you quantify chemistry?
That's easy. Bill Simmons says chemistry can be quantified by counting the number of high fives a team gives to each other.
What metric gauges the likelihood of, say, players eating chicken and drinking beer in the clubhouse during games?
What's the likelihood eating chicken and beer in the clubhouse during a game will cause a team to lose quite a few games in a row?
Even if Hinkie is an eyes-on GM, an eager, tireless scout, does that mean he knows what he's seeing?
One would hope Hinkie understands and knows what he is seeing, though contrary to Marcus Hayes' opinion, the 76ers will still employ scouts that will give reports on what they see to Hinkie.
Harris has hired what he knows; what has worked for him in the past. Dispassionate acquisition and manipulation of resources, inevitable "reorganization" of "assets," resulted in a lack of humanism that helped lead to the disastrous moves the Sixers made last year.
But you just said that Doug Collins wouldn't relinquish complete control of the 76ers team and that is why Hinkie wasn't considered for GM last year. You can't have it both ways. The 76ers can't have rejected Hinkie's methods while also adopting them and failing in the process. Don't blame Hinkie for another GM's failings simply because you are not informed enough to understand how applied analytics works in the NBA.
The questions about Bynum's toughness, professionalism and commitment all turned out to be warranted. Any questions about Andre Iguodala's value were not.
Marcus Hayes has a huge hard-on for Andre Iguodala. I would imagine he has spent quite a few nights outside of Iguodala's residence reciting poetry that extols Iguodala's virtues to all within ear shot. Iguodala is to Marcus Hayes as Brett Favre is to Peter King.
Still, teams implement everything they can to produce wins. Consider some of the better teams over the past few seasons.
After passive-aggressively bashing applied analytics, this is the part where Marcus Hayes desperately plays both sides and starts to acknowledge some of these methods could work. See, he is against and for the use of applied analytics. However it works out for the 76ers in the future, he will be right, and can write a column saying how he KNEW this is the outcome that would occur if the 76ers used/didn't use applied analytics to evaluate basketball players.
The Celtics, operating in the shadow of the sabergeeks at Fenway, hired Harvard law grad Mike Zarren almost a decade ago, and he advanced to assistant GM as the team acquired stars like Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen – but also was bolstered by less-heralded veterans Jeff Green and Brandon Bass.
I wouldn't say the acquisition of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen was an analytics decision any more than it was a decision to trade for two Hall of Fame players who wanted a championship ring.
Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is rabid about analytics. The Spurs, perhaps the benchmark for professionalism, have used an analytics arm for years. Heat coach Erik Spoelstra created the team's stats system when he was Pat Riley's gofer, and Spoelstra uses the software to run simulations.
It's almost like when analytics are applied with the use of old-fashioned scouting, along with good coaching, they can help a team win playoff games be successful. Choosing to use analytics isn't necessarily an "either/or" situation when compared to the decision to use grizzled, old scouts. Marcus Hayes is very desperate to paint it as an "either/or" situation though.
15 NBA teams that have installed SportVU, the Stats, Inc. camera system that tracks players and the ball and how they relate and interact. SportVU is not, of course, the only such tool, nor is it universally loved by analytic nuts. The Heat, for instance, does not have one.
Again, it is almost like all stats geeks aren't exactly alike. What a shock that is for Marcus since he much prefers placing any ideas or theories he doesn't like or understand into a little box and make generalized, universal assumptions about the people who believe or follow those ideas or theories.
The Sixers also hired Aaron Barzilai in November, long after he might have analyzed a trade for a player such as, say, Andrew Bynum . . . an unfortunate timing development, perhaps.
Barzilai's basketballvalue.com website computed players' values for the two seasons that preceded the end of the 2012 playoffs.
The website showed that, remarkably, Andre Iguodala was slightly more valuable than Kevin Durant . . . and was worth considerably more than Andrew Bynum.
Any measure that says Andre Iguodala is very, very valuable is a measure that Marcus Hayes can get behind. Maybe that's what this column was all about really, making sure the reader knew that trading Hayes' idol and BFF Andre Iguodala was a bad idea.
This column had zero "likes" on Facebook at the time I wrote this column. This shouldn't be a shock after all, only nerds use computers for such things like Facebook.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
2 comments Bleacher Report Makes a List of Lazy Minority Baseball Players
Okay, well maybe Bleacher Report didn't specifically attempt to make a list of lazy minority baseball players, but I figured the tabloid-ish title was appropriate when discussing a Bleacher Report article/column/slideshow. The author compiles a "Least Likely to Hustle" team and it has one white guy on the team, whose presence on the list is fiercely debated in the comments. You don't call David Wright lazy apparently. This team consists of players who are not going to hustle and work hard on the baseball field. Ironically the very idea of writing a slideshow on the laziest players in MLB is a very lazy column idea. In writing this slideshow I would place the author on a "Least Likely to Think Hard for a Column Idea" team.
A lot can be said about a player who runs his hardest every time he takes the field.
And most of what will be said is in the form of useless hyperbole followed by the regular use of synonyms for the word "gritty."
Some players simply don’t hustle around the bases; they usually takes their time, especially if they hit a routine ground ball to the shortstop.
Chipper Jones occasionally didn't hustle out ground balls to second base or to first base. He's not an active player and isn't on this list, but not surprisingly I've never heard him called lazy for failing to run these ground balls out. I mention this because one instance of not hustling got a couple of players included on this "not hustling" team, so I would think Chipper's periodic jogs to first base could have earned him a spot.
Want an example of a player who hustles? Bryce Harper. He arguably hustles more than any other player in baseball.
Want an article filled with hyperbole? Look no further than this column where the author says Bryce Harper "arguably" hustles more than any other player in baseball. It's good the "arguably" was included because there's no fucking way to determine which player actually hustles the most. Arguably, this is a dumb sentence.
If there were a team that wasn’t likely to hustle, here are the players who would be on it.
Let's start the slideshow! The team is broken down by position, so it's just like a real baseball team! Well, there are no relief pitchers represented, so it is broken down like a real baseball team from the early 1900's when starting pitchers always threw a complete game.
Carlos Santana, Cleveland Indians
Let's find out why Santana made this team...
Santana is much better known for his power from behind the plate. Because Santana hits a solid amount of home runs—55 over the course of his four-year career including four so far in the 2013 season—he gets to round the bases at his leisure.
So Sanchez is lazy because he hits a lot of home runs. Boy, Babe Ruth must have been really, really super lazy then.
A bunch of catchers could qualify for this position on this team, but Santana fits relatively well. Watching video of him, even just from this season, it’s obvious that he doesn’t round the bases as quickly as he could.
So video, unlinked in this column of course, show that Carlos Santana doesn't round the bases as quickly as he could? Maybe I will search for my own evidence.
This is the only video evidence I could find and I wouldn't call that being lazy, but being dumb about base-running. There was an incident on August 30, 2012 where Santana was benched for a lack of hustle, but that was one incident and he seemed contrite. I guess one incident of not hustling is enough to make this list. In fact, if you Google "Carlos Santana hustling" then the fourth link that comes up is this very article. This is the Bleacher Report dream. The article written about how Carlos Santana doesn't hustle can be cited as evidence he doesn't hustle when doing an internet search on the topic. Those algorithms really work!
So Carlos Santana doesn't hustle because one time he didn't hustle. Plus, there is a bunch of video out there proving this point is true. Go look for it because the author doesn't have the time or energy to link it as proof what he is saying is correct.
Carlos Lee, Free Agent
Carlos Lee is currently one of many players without a major or minor league contract, and we’re well past the offseason and spring training. Is there still a chance that he signs a deal? Sure, but teams may be concerned with his hustle.
Or they may be concerned he is 36 years old, not a good defensive player, and hit .264/.332/.365 last year. His salary demands could also be the reason.
Spoiler alert: the salary demands appear to be the reason Carlos Lee isn't signed. Yes it is true, the author wonders whether it is Lee's lack of hustle that wards teams off from signing him, then links an article where Lee's salary demands are stated as being the main reason he hasn't signed a deal with a team. So the author proves his own hypothesis wrong. Brilliant writing.
Although he can probably still hit, there’s still the perception that he lacks hustle, according to an April 2012 article on Fox Sports Houston (h/t YardBarker).
Why does the perception become a reality? From the article:
Often maligned for his real or perceived lack of hustle in the past it can not be denied that Lee can still hit the ball better than the average player.
This perception doesn't mean Lee lacks hustle. So why is he on the "Least Likely to Hustle" team?
So even with his five times on base and two RBIs his game on Tuesday was not flawless. He has brought leadership and yes, hustle, to the young Astros and so far is a role model to be followed.
So the article linked to provide evidence that Lee still lacks hustle actually goes out of its way to mention that Lee in fact DOES hustle. Again, brilliant writing. Bleacher Report has landed a great writer.
Maybe he sees that if he wants to change his mind and play more he needs to change perceptions. Astro fans know what those perceptions are. Carlos Lee can hit, but doesn't always (or often) hustle.
Again, it is a perception and the author is needlessly and foolishly buying into this perception by placing Lee on his team of players who don't hustle. Way to reinforce a perception that may or may not be true.
Also, I love the idea of Bleacher Report citing Yardbarker for a column link. It's like the "The National Enquirer" citing "US Weekly" about whether Jennifer Aniston is pregnant or not.
Lee is in actuality a happy go lucky guy who plays the percentages. He knows how fast he has to run to get to a ball and make a play. He knows when false hustle is just to make him look good, but really not productive. The problem is that when he measures his running effort it appears to be lack of hustle.
But again, reinforcing a perception with the only evidence this perception being true is the existence of a perception is ridiculously bad writing. The appearance of not hustling in the past doesn't serve as evidence that Lee doesn't hustle now. The author basically says, "There is a perception Lee doesn't hustle so that means he doesn't hustle and that's why he is on this list."
Ken Davidoff of the New York Post wrote in March that Lee hasn’t been willing to sign for a low-base salary.
So maybe the fact Lee doesn't want a low base salary is the reason he has not been signed yet? So why would the author believe it was Lee's lack of hustle when he cites a column specifically stating a very good reason why Lee hasn't been signed...that reason being he isn't willing to sign for a low base salary? I can't answer my overly-long question either.
Robinson Cano, New York Yankees
Robinson Cano might be one of the best players in baseball, but there’s no guarantee he’s going to leg out a double instead of taking it easy by stopping at first base. He has, however, hit at least 40 doubles in each of the last four seasons.
(Bengoodfella's brain explodes)
So let me get this straight. There is no guarantee that Robinson Cano is going to leg out a double instead of stopping at first base, but he has hit 40 doubles over the last four seasons. Isn't that the guarantee that Robinson Cano will try to leg out a double? What more would the author need? Cano obviously legs out doubles since he has hit at least 40 doubles over the last four seasons.
He was benched for a lapse in attention back in 2008.
Five years ago. He was benched for a lapse in attention five years ago. Five years ago is five years ago, and not considered recent.
Through 20 games this season, Cano is hitting .325/.378/.614 with six home runs and 14 RBI in a depleted New York Yankees lineup. It would be smart to assume that Cano might make more money on the open market this upcoming winter if he showed a little more effort this season.
It would be even smarter to assume a guy hitting .325 with an OPS of .992 is already expending a lot of effort. Of course asking a person who randomly says Robinson Cano doesn't hustle to be smart is probably asking too much.
David Wright, New York Mets
All it takes is one lapse for a player to end up on this list.
Unless you are Chipper Jones and then you would have permission to jog to first base as much as you want.
Well, back in 2009, he didn’t act professionally on one night.
You mean four years ago on one night David Wright didn't hustle!? One time out of over a thousand games he has played in the majors Wright didn't hustle and this means he is not likely to hustle. I guess one time is now a trend.
In a late-September game against the Florida Marlins—yes, they were still the Florida Marlins back in 2009—Wright was benched after a lack of hustle, according to Bart Hubbuch of the New York Post. Wright reportedly apologized to his teammates for not giving it his all.
“That’s just a mental mistake,” Wright said of the baserunning blunder—who took his time going home from third base on what was an easy play. “That’s my fault, and I take responsibility. It won’t happen again.”
Sorry, you just made the "Least Likely to Hustle" team because you didn't hustle one time four years ago. Hey, someone has to play third base in this terrible idea for a fictional baseball team.
In the comments when he was questioned about Wright as a selection to make this team the author said that he asked quite a few "FC's" and they named Wright as a third baseman who didn't hustle. "FC's" are "featured columnists" at Bleacher Report. So take that for what you think it is worth. Wright is the only non-Hispanic/African American player on this list. It's not racist, just interesting regarding what this could say about the perception of white athletes.
B.J. Upton, Atlanta Braves
Back in 2008, the center fielder was benched a pair of times by his former manager, Joe Maddon.
Again, this was five years ago. I'm sure a bunch of FC's named Upton as a member of this team though. FC's can't be wrong.
Upton told reporters that he thought that there were two outs and that’s why he didn’t put a ton of effort on the play. He also said he was “stunned” to get pulled from the game.
He's going to be even more stunned to be named to a team for players that don't hustle because he didn't hustle a couple of times as a 23 year old.
Alex Rios, Chicago White Sox
The Chicago White Sox used to be managed by Ozzie Guillen, who didn’t have the best relationship with outfielder Alex Rios. Guillen didn’t care for the way that Rios failed to hustle on plays. Now, Guillen isn’t the manager, but Rios still takes his time occasionally.
Oh, so he doesn't hustle on occasion even after Ozzie Guillen no longer manages the White Sox? Let's look at the evidence the author has for this...
Guillen benched Rios back in 2011 after he didn’t hustle on the basepaths.
But you...you said that Rios still takes his time occasionally now, even after Guillen is no longer the manager of the White Sox. The only evidence you use of Rios not hustling is from when Guillen was the manager. How are we to believe the author that Rios still doesn't hustle now if he can't cite evidence he is telling the truth about Rios not hustling now? Maybe the author just asked the FC's and they said Rios still doesn't hustle.
David Ortiz, Boston Red Sox
I'm guessing this is the reasoning for saying David Ortiz doesn't hustle.
But there is somewhat of a correlation between being a DH and putting 100 percent effort into running the bases.
But is there a correlation? I know the author says it, but is this a fact or an opinion? I'm betting this is an opinion. I don't know any FC's though, so my opinion doesn't count.
He frequently doesn’t run out ground balls to the infield because he knows there’s a slim chance he'll be able to beat the throw.
Ortiz has had injury issues lately, which could prevent him from hustling hard.
I don't see how an Achilles tendon injury on a 37 year old would in any way prevent him from running at full speed 100% of the time. Inconceivable.
But in all honesty, it’s ugly watching him try to score from second or turn a single into a double. He’s probably just going to get thrown out no matter how hard he runs.
(Bengoodfella's brain re-explodes)
So David Ortiz doesn't hustle, but mostly because he has injury issues, but even if he did hustle he would get thrown out anyway? Doesn't the author's acknowledgement that Ortiz tries to score from second or tries to turn a single into a double contradict his contention Ortiz doesn't hustle? I think I am using too much logic. I'll never completely understand this column by using logic.
Hyun-Jin Ryu, Los Angeles Dodgers
I’m not sure if pitchers have to hit or run the bases in Korea,
If only there were a thing called "the Internet" where such answers could easily be found. If only.
Ryu hit a ball weakly down the third-base line but barely even jogged to first base despite the ball being live. He was thrown out with ease, and the crowd gave him quite a few boos as he returned to the dugout.
It was a bad effort, but nearly every National League pitcher at some point barely runs down the first base line in an effort to not get hurt running. So there could be 50 pitchers in this spot, but the author chose a Korean pitcher who didn't hustle in his very first National League start, which was also his first start in the United States. Interesting.
This "team" didn't have a relief pitcher on it and there are certainly relief pitchers who have to bat or could be seen as lazy. I guess the author didn't want hustle to find any lazy relief pitchers.
A lot can be said about a player who runs his hardest every time he takes the field.
And most of what will be said is in the form of useless hyperbole followed by the regular use of synonyms for the word "gritty."
Some players simply don’t hustle around the bases; they usually takes their time, especially if they hit a routine ground ball to the shortstop.
Chipper Jones occasionally didn't hustle out ground balls to second base or to first base. He's not an active player and isn't on this list, but not surprisingly I've never heard him called lazy for failing to run these ground balls out. I mention this because one instance of not hustling got a couple of players included on this "not hustling" team, so I would think Chipper's periodic jogs to first base could have earned him a spot.
Want an example of a player who hustles? Bryce Harper. He arguably hustles more than any other player in baseball.
Want an article filled with hyperbole? Look no further than this column where the author says Bryce Harper "arguably" hustles more than any other player in baseball. It's good the "arguably" was included because there's no fucking way to determine which player actually hustles the most. Arguably, this is a dumb sentence.
If there were a team that wasn’t likely to hustle, here are the players who would be on it.
Let's start the slideshow! The team is broken down by position, so it's just like a real baseball team! Well, there are no relief pitchers represented, so it is broken down like a real baseball team from the early 1900's when starting pitchers always threw a complete game.
Carlos Santana, Cleveland Indians
Let's find out why Santana made this team...
Santana is much better known for his power from behind the plate. Because Santana hits a solid amount of home runs—55 over the course of his four-year career including four so far in the 2013 season—he gets to round the bases at his leisure.
So Sanchez is lazy because he hits a lot of home runs. Boy, Babe Ruth must have been really, really super lazy then.
A bunch of catchers could qualify for this position on this team, but Santana fits relatively well. Watching video of him, even just from this season, it’s obvious that he doesn’t round the bases as quickly as he could.
So video, unlinked in this column of course, show that Carlos Santana doesn't round the bases as quickly as he could? Maybe I will search for my own evidence.
This is the only video evidence I could find and I wouldn't call that being lazy, but being dumb about base-running. There was an incident on August 30, 2012 where Santana was benched for a lack of hustle, but that was one incident and he seemed contrite. I guess one incident of not hustling is enough to make this list. In fact, if you Google "Carlos Santana hustling" then the fourth link that comes up is this very article. This is the Bleacher Report dream. The article written about how Carlos Santana doesn't hustle can be cited as evidence he doesn't hustle when doing an internet search on the topic. Those algorithms really work!
So Carlos Santana doesn't hustle because one time he didn't hustle. Plus, there is a bunch of video out there proving this point is true. Go look for it because the author doesn't have the time or energy to link it as proof what he is saying is correct.
Carlos Lee, Free Agent
Carlos Lee is currently one of many players without a major or minor league contract, and we’re well past the offseason and spring training. Is there still a chance that he signs a deal? Sure, but teams may be concerned with his hustle.
Or they may be concerned he is 36 years old, not a good defensive player, and hit .264/.332/.365 last year. His salary demands could also be the reason.
Spoiler alert: the salary demands appear to be the reason Carlos Lee isn't signed. Yes it is true, the author wonders whether it is Lee's lack of hustle that wards teams off from signing him, then links an article where Lee's salary demands are stated as being the main reason he hasn't signed a deal with a team. So the author proves his own hypothesis wrong. Brilliant writing.
Although he can probably still hit, there’s still the perception that he lacks hustle, according to an April 2012 article on Fox Sports Houston (h/t YardBarker).
Why does the perception become a reality? From the article:
Often maligned for his real or perceived lack of hustle in the past it can not be denied that Lee can still hit the ball better than the average player.
This perception doesn't mean Lee lacks hustle. So why is he on the "Least Likely to Hustle" team?
So even with his five times on base and two RBIs his game on Tuesday was not flawless. He has brought leadership and yes, hustle, to the young Astros and so far is a role model to be followed.
So the article linked to provide evidence that Lee still lacks hustle actually goes out of its way to mention that Lee in fact DOES hustle. Again, brilliant writing. Bleacher Report has landed a great writer.
Maybe he sees that if he wants to change his mind and play more he needs to change perceptions. Astro fans know what those perceptions are. Carlos Lee can hit, but doesn't always (or often) hustle.
Again, it is a perception and the author is needlessly and foolishly buying into this perception by placing Lee on his team of players who don't hustle. Way to reinforce a perception that may or may not be true.
Also, I love the idea of Bleacher Report citing Yardbarker for a column link. It's like the "The National Enquirer" citing "US Weekly" about whether Jennifer Aniston is pregnant or not.
Lee is in actuality a happy go lucky guy who plays the percentages. He knows how fast he has to run to get to a ball and make a play. He knows when false hustle is just to make him look good, but really not productive. The problem is that when he measures his running effort it appears to be lack of hustle.
But again, reinforcing a perception with the only evidence this perception being true is the existence of a perception is ridiculously bad writing. The appearance of not hustling in the past doesn't serve as evidence that Lee doesn't hustle now. The author basically says, "There is a perception Lee doesn't hustle so that means he doesn't hustle and that's why he is on this list."
Ken Davidoff of the New York Post wrote in March that Lee hasn’t been willing to sign for a low-base salary.
So maybe the fact Lee doesn't want a low base salary is the reason he has not been signed yet? So why would the author believe it was Lee's lack of hustle when he cites a column specifically stating a very good reason why Lee hasn't been signed...that reason being he isn't willing to sign for a low base salary? I can't answer my overly-long question either.
Robinson Cano, New York Yankees
Robinson Cano might be one of the best players in baseball, but there’s no guarantee he’s going to leg out a double instead of taking it easy by stopping at first base. He has, however, hit at least 40 doubles in each of the last four seasons.
(Bengoodfella's brain explodes)
So let me get this straight. There is no guarantee that Robinson Cano is going to leg out a double instead of stopping at first base, but he has hit 40 doubles over the last four seasons. Isn't that the guarantee that Robinson Cano will try to leg out a double? What more would the author need? Cano obviously legs out doubles since he has hit at least 40 doubles over the last four seasons.
He was benched for a lapse in attention back in 2008.
Five years ago. He was benched for a lapse in attention five years ago. Five years ago is five years ago, and not considered recent.
Through 20 games this season, Cano is hitting .325/.378/.614 with six home runs and 14 RBI in a depleted New York Yankees lineup. It would be smart to assume that Cano might make more money on the open market this upcoming winter if he showed a little more effort this season.
It would be even smarter to assume a guy hitting .325 with an OPS of .992 is already expending a lot of effort. Of course asking a person who randomly says Robinson Cano doesn't hustle to be smart is probably asking too much.
David Wright, New York Mets
All it takes is one lapse for a player to end up on this list.
Unless you are Chipper Jones and then you would have permission to jog to first base as much as you want.
Well, back in 2009, he didn’t act professionally on one night.
You mean four years ago on one night David Wright didn't hustle!? One time out of over a thousand games he has played in the majors Wright didn't hustle and this means he is not likely to hustle. I guess one time is now a trend.
In a late-September game against the Florida Marlins—yes, they were still the Florida Marlins back in 2009—Wright was benched after a lack of hustle, according to Bart Hubbuch of the New York Post. Wright reportedly apologized to his teammates for not giving it his all.
“That’s just a mental mistake,” Wright said of the baserunning blunder—who took his time going home from third base on what was an easy play. “That’s my fault, and I take responsibility. It won’t happen again.”
Sorry, you just made the "Least Likely to Hustle" team because you didn't hustle one time four years ago. Hey, someone has to play third base in this terrible idea for a fictional baseball team.
In the comments when he was questioned about Wright as a selection to make this team the author said that he asked quite a few "FC's" and they named Wright as a third baseman who didn't hustle. "FC's" are "featured columnists" at Bleacher Report. So take that for what you think it is worth. Wright is the only non-Hispanic/African American player on this list. It's not racist, just interesting regarding what this could say about the perception of white athletes.
B.J. Upton, Atlanta Braves
Back in 2008, the center fielder was benched a pair of times by his former manager, Joe Maddon.
Again, this was five years ago. I'm sure a bunch of FC's named Upton as a member of this team though. FC's can't be wrong.
Upton told reporters that he thought that there were two outs and that’s why he didn’t put a ton of effort on the play. He also said he was “stunned” to get pulled from the game.
He's going to be even more stunned to be named to a team for players that don't hustle because he didn't hustle a couple of times as a 23 year old.
Alex Rios, Chicago White Sox
The Chicago White Sox used to be managed by Ozzie Guillen, who didn’t have the best relationship with outfielder Alex Rios. Guillen didn’t care for the way that Rios failed to hustle on plays. Now, Guillen isn’t the manager, but Rios still takes his time occasionally.
Oh, so he doesn't hustle on occasion even after Ozzie Guillen no longer manages the White Sox? Let's look at the evidence the author has for this...
Guillen benched Rios back in 2011 after he didn’t hustle on the basepaths.
But you...you said that Rios still takes his time occasionally now, even after Guillen is no longer the manager of the White Sox. The only evidence you use of Rios not hustling is from when Guillen was the manager. How are we to believe the author that Rios still doesn't hustle now if he can't cite evidence he is telling the truth about Rios not hustling now? Maybe the author just asked the FC's and they said Rios still doesn't hustle.
David Ortiz, Boston Red Sox
I'm guessing this is the reasoning for saying David Ortiz doesn't hustle.
But there is somewhat of a correlation between being a DH and putting 100 percent effort into running the bases.
But is there a correlation? I know the author says it, but is this a fact or an opinion? I'm betting this is an opinion. I don't know any FC's though, so my opinion doesn't count.
He frequently doesn’t run out ground balls to the infield because he knows there’s a slim chance he'll be able to beat the throw.
Ortiz has had injury issues lately, which could prevent him from hustling hard.
I don't see how an Achilles tendon injury on a 37 year old would in any way prevent him from running at full speed 100% of the time. Inconceivable.
But in all honesty, it’s ugly watching him try to score from second or turn a single into a double. He’s probably just going to get thrown out no matter how hard he runs.
(Bengoodfella's brain re-explodes)
So David Ortiz doesn't hustle, but mostly because he has injury issues, but even if he did hustle he would get thrown out anyway? Doesn't the author's acknowledgement that Ortiz tries to score from second or tries to turn a single into a double contradict his contention Ortiz doesn't hustle? I think I am using too much logic. I'll never completely understand this column by using logic.
Hyun-Jin Ryu, Los Angeles Dodgers
I’m not sure if pitchers have to hit or run the bases in Korea,
If only there were a thing called "the Internet" where such answers could easily be found. If only.
Ryu hit a ball weakly down the third-base line but barely even jogged to first base despite the ball being live. He was thrown out with ease, and the crowd gave him quite a few boos as he returned to the dugout.
It was a bad effort, but nearly every National League pitcher at some point barely runs down the first base line in an effort to not get hurt running. So there could be 50 pitchers in this spot, but the author chose a Korean pitcher who didn't hustle in his very first National League start, which was also his first start in the United States. Interesting.
This "team" didn't have a relief pitcher on it and there are certainly relief pitchers who have to bat or could be seen as lazy. I guess the author didn't want hustle to find any lazy relief pitchers.
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