Monday, June 30, 2008

0 comments We Deserve Better Than All Star Arguments

The same people who give two shits about All Star voting are the same people who gave two shits about Senior Superlatives in High School. Like, "Oh my God, Dan so deserves 'Most Athletic,' I am going to stuff the ballot box so he gets it," can be "Joe Mauer needs to be in the All Star game, he has had a great year so I am going to vote for him a lot." Needless to say I could care less about both.

I am guessing Dayn Perry got the Senior Superlative "Most Likely To Write a Column That Pisses Me Off," so he has finally achieved his destiny.

The two things I dislike the most about the All Star game voting:
1. The reasoning for voting for one player over another. Sometimes there is none.
2. Old players who are shitty get in.

Unfortunately sometimes these two collide. I will attempt to discern the reasoning Dayn thinks should be used to determine an All Star team.

We'll examine what the voters are getting right, what they're getting wrong, and which races are still too close to call.

I realize this is just one man's opinion but to try and state your opinion as fact and write a column about it irritates me. Also, this column contains no numbers, just fun little opinions for why the vote is wrong based on the most prized reason baseball players play for years and work so hard. So they can "deserve it." What does it mean? Nothing, but that is not stopping Dayn.

C — Joe Mauer, Twins
Until recently, Boston's Jason Varitek was the leader at the catcher position. He didn't deserve it. Mauer does. The voting is still close (Mauer leads by just 145,000 votes), but it really shouldn't be.

I wish there were a way to determine who really deserved it? Eureka! I will create a number called a "statistic" and allow Dayn to include them in his next column so it looks like he did more than 5 minutes of work. It's like he replaced all of his numbers with the word "deserve."

2B — Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox
Brian Roberts and Ian Kinsler are both more deserving that Pedroia, but Sox fans are voting in droves and in this instance, with little regard for the merits. Pedroia leads Kinsler by 184,000 votes, so it's not over yet.

He obviously disagrees with this vote because Roberts and Kinsler "deserve" it. Give me numbers or give you death.

SS — Derek Jeter, Yankees
It's just not a good year for AL shortstops. Michael Young's having a better season than Jeter

Sounds like Michael Young is the choice, so he "deserves" it.

but there's no disputing Jeter's star power. All things considered, Jeter deserves the nod, but that's really a comment upon the AL's weakness at the position.

Under this reasoning Miley Cyrus would win a Grammy this year and High School Musical will win an Emmy for Best TV Show. By "all things considered" you mean "I am going to ignore logical reasoning and just make some shit up," then yes I vote Jeter. So Jeter should be voted in because he is popular. Remember this reasoning.

If you ever want to annoy a Yankees fan, call him Jerek Deter. Don't ask me why, they hate it.

C — Geovany Soto, Cubs
Soto's having a fine year, but Brian McCann and Russell Martin would've been better choices. In fact, McCann pretty clearly deserves it. He's second in the balloting, but he trails Soto by more than half a million votes. Soto's almost certainly going as a starter, but he's not the best option for the NL.

Oh yeah, McCann "deserves it." Why can't we just include some numbers in this article? This is the main problem with articles that criticize All Star votes. They rarely include statistics for why the fans are screwing it all up. So basically by not including stats, the author Dayn is just admitting it is a popularity contest. So if it is a popularity contest, then the fans can never screw up! All hail the fans!

1B — Lance Berkman, Astros
Berkman's having a great season, but Albert Pujols is the bigger star and the better player. It's also a joke that Pujols is a mere third in the voting (Derrek Lee has the second-most votes among NL first basemen).

Remember the bigger star should get votes. I guess that is why it is a joke Pujols is third in the voting. How can anyone take All Star voting this seriously to analyze it? Wait, I am analyzing their analyzing, nevermind.

We can't know that Pujols is the better player if we don't have something to compare it too. They are called statistics, try them, they go down easy. Like your mom. Sorry Dayn, that was out of line.

SS — Hanley Ramirez, Marlins
In terms of who deserves it, consider it a coin-flip between Ramirez and Jose Reyes of the Mets. Ramirez gives you more at the plate, while Reyes is the better defender. The race, however, is a tight one between Ramirez and Houston's Miguel Tejada. Ramirez is far and away the better choice, so here's hoping he clings to his slim lead.

His reasoning on this one is like a question on the LSAT. If Jose and Hanley both deserve it, but Miguel is actually closer to Hanley, so what is their positioning?

How about instead of flipping a fucking coin, you use statistics. I will do it then.

Ramirez: .294 BA, .912 OPS, 18 HR, 20 SB, better dance moves

Reyes: .296 BA, .843 OPS, 9 HR, 28 SB, a killer Clint Eastwood impression.

I say Ramirez, his robot dance floor moves are out of this world.

OF — Alfonso Soriano, Cubs
OF — Kosuke Fukudome, Cubs
OF — Ken Griffey Jr., Reds
The first problem is that the NL has no natural center fielder.

Yeah, screw you NL for not having the most popular players play CF. How weak are you? Can we all agree that, like Jeter and Pujols, Griffey deserves it because he has star power and is a bigger name? I would think so.

The second problem is that Griffey Jr. in no way, shape, or form deserves to be an All-Star. He's a future first-ballot Hall of Famer, but his skills have greatly diminished. This season, he's hitting just .235 AVG/.346 OBP/.388 SLG despite playing his home games in a great hitter's park.

What the fuck kind of code is .235 AVG/.346 OBP/.388 SLG? Did the computer take over the game like Joe Morgan said would happen and cause chaos?

I love how he calls out numbers when he feels very strongly about something but when a player "deserves" to be in the game, there is no need for numbers.

Ryan Braun is closing on Junior (he trails him by fewer than 200,000 votes), and he's much more worthy of a starting spot than Griffey.

How is he more "worthy" than Junior? Give me numbers to back up your argument. Also, Ryan Braun is a natural DH, a passable LF, a horrible 3B and definitely not a CF, so I am still confused about the "no natural CF" comment.

In the main, NL fans are doing a worse job than the AL voters. They've botched the outfield vote quite badly, and they're also off the mark at catcher. It's the outfield vote, however, that's really going to hurt the NL in the early innings.

What helly, fuckity fuck, shitty shit bottom is this group of sentences? Not only can't the NL win a game, it is because the voters are screwing up the team in the OF? I bet it is the damn Yankees and Red Sox fans voting for a starting OF of Matt Diaz, Ryan Freel, and Juan Pierre.

Seriously, does Dayn seem to think that NL fans are voting only exclusively for the NL team and not voting for the AL team at all? And that the AL fans are doing the opposite. If he thinks this, then that is the stupidest thing I have heard all day and I just had someone tell me they were pursuing a Homeland Security degree. So NL fans are stupid, assuming you believe they don't put in a ballot for the American League team at all. Then he gives a feeble prediction the OF of the NL will hurt the team in the early innings based on his babble. Huh?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

0 comments You'll Never Guess

I hate Bill Simmons. I don't hate him as a person or think he is a bad person. I just wish that for once he would not completely contradict himself. Just once. From today's online draft email fest with Chad Ford:

And since I have nothing left to add, I'd like to start the movement for McHale getting a 2008 championship ring from the Boston Celtics for graciously sending us Kevin Garnett. The man deserves a ring! Give him a ring!

So he gets a ring for sending you Kevin Garnett in an incredibly lopsided trade?

Then in his "LA Sucks" column for ESPN the Magazine:

How was the Gasol trade legal? If I kill my mailman and no one ever finds out, does that make it legal? Jerry West's old team (Memphis) gift-wrapped its best player for the team that once employed West for 40 years, taking back a pupu platter (Kwame Brown, a third-string guard and two crappy picks).

There he bitches about how Gasol was giftwrapped to the Lakers when he basically admits Garnett was giftwrapped to the Celtics. He is an incredible hypocrite.

0 comments Is Immaturity A Character Issue?

I have been a little distracted lately, so my posts have not been as shitty as usual. I also learned Saturday night why I should not be allowed to speak with anyone who has had any type of fame. I left the attic for a few hours and went to go see a couple bands in a nearby town and after the concert spoke with the the lead singer for a bit, then offended him. Not an exciting story but I will share it regardless.

(Me) "Good show tonight. I read about you guys in some article online about the Ten Best Bands Nobody Has Heard Of."

(Lead singer not sure what to say at the back handed compliment) "Thanks, it seems like everyone has read that same article."

(Me) "I bought the CD and it is really, really good, when are you coming out with the next album."

(Singer tells me the answer and then my lady of long term committment speaks with him, all the while I am stewing over the real name of the article)

(Me) "Actually, I think the name of the article was the Ten Best Unknown Bands."

(Singer wishing I would just drop it goes into his various marketing promotions they are doing to change this and finally we leave)

(Me as I am walking back to the car) "Oh yeah, it was the 10 Best Unsigned Bands. That sounds a lot better than what I was saying."

So I am a moron and the band name is Locksley, and they are all really cool guys who put on a great show. You can look them up and hate them if you want, but they are really good and deserve to be more popular than 95% of the music in the world.

Ok, to the article that irritated me by Jeff Goodman.

The title of the article is.........."Beasley: How Mature Do You Want Me To Be?"

Since he is supposed to be a millionaire in 2 days and the title already make excuses, I knew this article was shit. See the problem is not that he has character issues, which is no big deal but everyone is writing puff pieces about him that act as if he does not have issues that would make NBA teams wonder if he is mature enough to be an NBA player. So to be clear, I do not think he is a bad person, but in a billionaire dollar industry the following antics, even if done in High School which was only 2 years ago, could be a cause of concern. If Jeff Goodman can't see that, then that is not good, man.

First Beasley antics from this article.

-Since he entered the eighth grade, Beasley's career has followed the same cyclical pattern: He's dismissed from one school for misbehavior and immaturity;

Bouncing from team to team does count as a character issue that should be addressed.

-Beasley practices for two hours in the afternoon, takes a nap and then practices again at night. "The basketball team is pretty much the only thing this school's got," Beasley said.

Clearly a man ready to contribute to the community or maybe the school really sucks and it boring. At least pretend you have some interest in academics though. Character issue.

-He wore pajamas to the school cafeteria. He threw sticks at teachers' houses. He snuck out of his dorm after curfew and organized games of hide-and-go seek.

Why would you wear pajamas to the cafeteria. Too lazy to put on clothes or just that sleepy? Either you have a medical condition or drink some red bull. Throwing sticks at teacher's houses is a clear character issue, as is not following the rules.

-"Me and Tywon Lawson had a competition at the beginning of the school year about who could sign their autograph the most around the school," And I don't lose at anything, man, so I walked around with one of those Sharpies and signed graffiti everywhere. Every day, they were cleaning my name off water fountains, ceilings, desks, offices -- whatever. I just thought it was funny."

Here is another character issue. In this paragraph the only positive thing that could come out of it is that he is a competitive person. It is funny to do this once, not every single day as he indicates. So what he thinks is funny is actually destructive to school property, not to mention disrespectful to those who have to clean his shit up. I would like to personally punch him for this.
-So, with two weeks left in the school year, Smith offered his star player one final chance: He told Beasley that, to be invited back to Oak Hill, he needed to impress administrators with flawless end-of-year behavior. Two days later, Beasley signed his name in black ink on the principal's truck, Smith said.

If anyone does not see this as a problem, then they are fucking retarded. I don't mean to insult mentally handicapped people by comparing them to anyone who thinks this is not a problem. No one is perfect but Beasley obviously has/had some sort of complex where he believes he can get away with shit like this. He could not be on good behavior for two days. This does not translate well to the NBA where nobody is there to babysit.

- In less than 24 hours, the team played one of its most important games of the season. Barton stood still, with a basketball under his right arm, and talked quietly. "Pay attention, 'cause this is important," Barton said. His players leaned in to listen. Then Beasley started shouting.

This is not supposed to bother Vinny Del Negro or any team that is looking to draft him? Some people in this world "get it" and have not been treated like royalty their entire life, Michael Beasley does not seem to be one of these people.

He is a pretty typical high school student in my opinion and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem is he is still 19 and is going to the NBA. So knowing all you know from this Washington Post article, why is Jeff Goodman shocked at questions of maturity?

Beasley is a class clown. Beasley is immature. Beasley likes to pull pranks as much as the next guy. But what do you expect? "How mature do you want me to be? I'm 19 years old," Beasley said.

What a nice short article, so everything is resolved now. People are afraid he is immature because he is 19, he acknowledges this, so I think both sides understand the problems that need to be overcome before the questions stop. Now let's work on this global warming issue.

Michael Beasley deserves an explanation.

He just provided one. Here's the problem. You can't say "I'm only 19, so I am going to be immature," then complain when people constantly bring up you're being immature. This fucking pisses me off. Humans have control over their behavior, we aren't like lions who see a human in a field and don't have the capacity to think, "I probably should not eat that because I will be killed as a reprecussion." Michael Beasley, as far as I know, has the ability to reason and control his actions.

That's the fucking catch to being in the NBA. You have to act mature because you are getting a paycheck. If you have a history of not listening to your coach and undermining him, acting non-chalant about your school, vandalizing school property, and just being an overall asshole, then that is going to follow you around. How is this not understood?

All he wants to know are these so-called "character issues" that seem to follow his every move.

The character issues are that Jerry Reinsdorf nor Pat Riley want to wake up one early morning and find that some punk ass kid has drawn on his new Lexus. Is this hard to understand? Beasley has a history of vandalizing authority figure's property and this history includes every authority figure at a school. Teachers, coaches and principals. The school nurse is the only one that got off easy on this one.

"Compared to stuff other players do, that's nothing." He's right. The NBA is full of guys with real-life character issues. Just look at Allen Iverson, Stephen Jackson, Ron Artest, Zach Randolph, Darius Miles. I could go on and on.

He is right and Jeff Goodman is wrong. Those players are WHY Beasley is being critiqued so carefully, how is this not understood?

Beasley doesn't fit that mold. He hasn't assaulted anyone, hasn't fired a gun in the air or made obscene gestures to fans. In fact, his record is completely clean.

He has on the other hand vandalized property and been kicked out of 4 schools for immaturity. What do you think a top 5 high school basketball player has to do to be kicked out of a school? I would guess a whole lot. So his "record" is completely clean but he has a record of immaturity. You can't be arrested for immaturity unless it leads to a criminal vandalizing school and personal property. So he could have a "record" if someone had pressed charges.

I should have done one sentence pithy responses but this puff piece has me too pumped up.

He's only racked up a handful of technical fouls in his entire life.

No one is arguing on the court problems. This would be Jeff Goodman, esq. defense attorney for a murderer/rapist at a trial. Using an argument involving something completely off point that has nothing to do with what he is discussing.

(Jeff Goodman, esq.) "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Sparky Spanklepants may have raped and killed five women and two men. So he has a sexual problem. He has admitted this and wonders why you keep holding this against him. If the victims were alive, they would have positive things to say about him, because he cooks an absolutely wonderful chicken cassarole. Besides, there are tons of other murderers and rapists not currently in jail. If we can't catch every single one of those people, how can we jail Sparky Spanklepants? You honor the defense rests it's case and would like to invite you out to lunch."

"He never once answered back, never once even made a face," said DePaul coach Jerry Wainwright, who coached Beasley in the Under-19 World Championships in Serbia last year. "I was with him for 9½ weeks and he never lied to me. Not once."

If I can't trust a man who has this site dedicated to him...

who can I trust?

My question to Wainwright is how he knows Beasley never lied to him. Did he hook him to a lie detector, try to tickle the truth out of Beasley, or did he do the Larry David stare down? Either way, if Beasley never made faces at someone, that is the true sign of maturity. Point Goodman!

"Of course it bothers me," Martin said. "If Mike had issues in the past, I'd understand. I've dealt with character issues. Mike doesn't beat women, do drugs and he hasn't been arrested for anything. He's the best teammate I've ever been around."

Lowering standards for athletes does not make them better people. Also Frank Martin could be biased since if it were not for Michael Beasley I would think Frank Martin was a character from a movie about Chicago gangsters or a shoe shine clerk at the Holiday Inn, and not the coach of Kansas State University. Also, he referred to him as the best teammate he has ever been around but Martin is the coach, so he should mean the best player. Interesting...

Beasley admits that he didn't exactly fit in when he went down to IMG Academy, which is primarily comprised of rich, white kids.

He will do well when he is being cheered on in the NBA at every game by rich, white kids and their parents.

Also, in my continuing attempt to get "covert racism" as a tag, I would like to say the sentence, "Kevin Love admits he didn't exactly fit in at the Compton Academy, which is primarily comprised of poor, black kids," would get Kevin Love in a lot of trouble and cause Around the Horn to label him a racist. Just saying.

Wainwright said that in Serbia, which was profoundly anti-American, Beasley went out of his way to interact with children, women and anyone else.

Fuck the NBA, Michael Beasley should be named U.S. Ambassador to Serbia. He can teach the kids there how to vandalize property and just enjoy life. Part of his interactions will be a lecture on how if you have unbelievably good talent for a sport then people will make excuses for you and you get away with more in life. This lecture will reach one child, Slavon Slabadorviak, a 8 year old child who is a master at shuffleboard and will one day go on to make shuffleboard an Olympic sport and land on the cover of the Serbian version of Time Magazine (Tjime). All because of Michael Beasley. What maturity issues, bitches? Point Goodman!

"We went back to the locker room and he gave one of the best talks I've ever heard," Wainwright said. "He said things I would have said and I've been coaching for 30 years."

Did he follow up the speech with a spitball to your eye, coach, followed by the rest of the team bursting in laughter? Also, if Michael Beasley is giving great postgame speeches compared to you, you may want to read a motivational book or two.

So did Duke guard Nolan Smith, and no one has questioned their character.
"I keep asking what are these character issues," Smith said. "Maybe if someone can tell me what they are, I can explain them. Michael has never done anything malicious. Is he immature? Yes, but everyone has some immaturity about them. Maybe Michael's a little more so than others."

So Michael is less mature than others his age and this is not supposed to be a cause of concern for NBA front office types? I think Jeff Goodman and Michael Beasley have the answer they need now.

All he wants is an answer.

Riddle me this Goodman. How don't you get this? I will even let Michael Beasley get the last word with a little help from the Miami Herald.

• On whether he can succeed in the NBA like he did in college: "Depends if I like the coach.''

There's your answer. Mark my words, Michael Beasley will have maturity problems in the NBA.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

0 comments Random Thoughts

-Curt Schilling is a Hall of Fame pitcher? I am not sure honestly. I just think he is more borderline than most people would like to think. That being said, given the fact he is similar to John Smoltz (except Smoltz actually could close a game), I think he will be in. Does either deserve it? I am on the fence.


Why can't anyone understand the idea of expectations? I like when an article answers it's own question.

Jeff Francoeur is having a rough year. His batting average is .252, which isn’t good, and his on-base percentage is .300, which is bad. He has 10 hits - against 10 strikeouts and only two walks - in his past 10 games. Since hitting a walk-off homer against Arizona on May 24, he has eight RBIs in 96 at-bats.
As tepid as those numbers are, they don’t quite explain the rancor directed Francoeur’s way.

He forgot to add 2-17 with the bases loaded. He was on the cover of SI after his first month being called "The Natural" and has absolutely made no progress as a batter in that time. It feels like every time something bad happens, he is involved. Like Thursday in the 9th inning with men on first and second and Michael Young hit a ball to right field on the ground and the camera cut to the runner coming home, then to Francoeur standing over the ball in right. What the fuck happened? No one knows but "Frenchy."I hate homer writers who make excuses for players and bow down to them at every chance they get.

Have we forgotten that, for all his notoriety, he’s only 24?

No, we have also not forgotten that he is as good now as he was when he was 21 and that he is already whining quietly about his contract.

If that’s the case, then I don’t feel sorry for Jeff Francoeur. I feel sorry for us.

I feel sorry for anyone who can not see the truth. Jeff Francoeur despite all the media fawning and rub downs is an average OF and will never be any better until he learns the strike zone. Just because he smiles pretty does not mean he is a good ball player.


Reason #223 why Mike Kyrysxyswiski is not even close to being the coach, recruiter and game manager that he used to be. The USA's lack of big men is going to cause them great problems and will also cause them to not win the gold medal. Meanwhile there will be plenty of room for slashers to get to the basket and kick it out to the other 4 men standing around the 3 point line. Sound like a certain college team also on the downslide. Big mistake.

I may sound like I am overreacting but this will be the team's largest weakness in the Olympics and if they win, it will be in spite of the lack of size. Why would a coach intentionally give his team a weakness to overcome? Time to think of a successor Mike, its going away and going away faster than you think.

-What has two thumbs and could give a shit what Chad Johnson, someone who continuously plays on an average team, is going to do in training camp? This guy. (Point thumbs at self).


Dr. Z picks Minnesota. He must have forgotten in his old age that Tavaris Jackson is the QB. Just because he is in a great situation does not mean he has the ability to take advantage of it. Who the hell is going to catch the non-spirals he is going to throw anyway? Minnesota is no Baltimore Ravens of the year 2000. Well, except they both have criminals that lead their defense.

Jared Allen owns a bar in Kansas City by the way. At least he used to.

-I am not going to link to a Rick Reilly column but is he really worth $5 million per year? We talk about CEO's and athletes being paid too much, but what does Reilly really write about that makes him worth that. He rides in stock cars and tells us all about it, posts "thought provoking columns," seems like a general piece of shit, and brags about writing only 800 words column.

To think the Chicago Tribune pays Jay Mariotti handsomely to take his anger at public figures out in print, ESPN pays Bill Simmons mega bucks to tell everyone how much he likes his favorite team, and I am still not 100% sure what Woody Paige does.

-I mocked Jemele Hill for the Hitler comment but I did not really think it was that big of a deal. I love overreactions. If only she were Jewish, she would have had an excuse.

-I like doing this because it makes me feel like Peter King.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

3 comments How Do You Spell Douche? S-I-M-M-O-N-S

Bill Simmons, like Carl Everett, does not believe in the existence of dinosaurs. You know why? If Bill Simmons does not experience something first hand then that event did not happen and was not noteworthy. Whereas if he did experience an event then the event immediately becomes incredibly significant. I will call this the Simmons Corollary. As a part of the Simmons Corollary, if Bill does not like something then that certain something is struggling and needs help. Bill is incredibly self centered. If he were Charlie from Willy Wonka he would have thought they were making all the candy just for him. If he went to a funeral he would think that everyone came to hear him speak. You get the point.

Now he fucked with tennis.

As a disclaimer, I played tennis in high school and pretty much my whole adult life. I was not a champion but I definitely love the sport and still play as much as I can to this day. This article is ungood.

If I guaranteed you that the 2008 Wimbledon men's final would be the best tennis match of the past 20 years, would you watch it?


Amazingly, many sports fans would say no. Maybe they'd flick over to NBC a few times to "monitor the action." Maybe they'd swing by for the fifth set.

Granted, the ratings for the Finals of both the men's and women's tennis matches got a 1.8, which is fairly low. Overall viewership of the French Open is up though. You should know this, it is on your company's channel.

Also, consider this and the fact the French Open is not quite as popular as Wimbledon and the U.S. Open and realize tennis is not struggling that much.

But I don't have a single friend who'd watch four hours of tennis on a Sunday morning and, I'm guessing, neither do you.

This is the real problem. Bill does not have any friends who watch four hours of tennis on a Sunday morning, so he assumes no one else does either. Does anyone else realize how egotastical this is? Here is how his brain works:

"I don't have a child who is autistic, I don't have a single friend whose child is autistic, so autism must no longer be a condition children are born with. Great, let me write an article about it."

Even though I don't watch soccer, I am not going to be so self centered as to say no one else likes the sport. As a Simmonsologist, I say he has the worst case of only-child-syndrome I have ever seen. Everything is about him.

But when was the last time you watched a big match from start to finish?

A week and a half ago. I agree that not everyone is a huge tennis fan, but not everyone is a huge NBA basketball fan either. I would actually argue more of America has a stronger stance against the NBA than they do tennis, it just so happens basketball is more popular in your mind than tennis so you write about tennis.

When did you last have an argument about something tennis-related that didn't boil down to "Who do you think is hotter?"

Here is the wonderful thing about tennis. It is an individual sport where each player plays another player one on one, so there is no need to argue, the match decides it for you. How novel and quaint! There is no homefield advantage, though there is certainly surface advantage, but each player is on a level playing field generally. As the Cranberries said, no need to argue.

Oh, and it is not Lindsay Davenport that is hotter.

When tennis develops its own version of Tiger—first Pete Sampras, then Roger Federer—the guys do almost more damage than good.

This makes no sense. You would think a dominant player would make the sport more popular and fun, but Bill says no. I wonder how the dominant tennis player, Roger Federer, has damaged tennis, but we will never know because Bill does not explain. So far he has proven he knows three current player's names.

Now he explains in horrible terms how tennis is different from golf and Federer kills everyone's interest.

We see the best tennis stars as the Ping-Pong player at a family gathering who destroys all the uncles and cousins, and eventually kills everyone's interest in playing Ping-Pong for the day.

Obviously Bill was never good at Ping Pong nor tennis. I am good at both and personally like to get everyone's interest picqued in the sport by beating people left handed. (I am right handed.)
See? I would just brag about myself if I wrote this article, but isn't that a little better than what he writes?

Golf is a sport that hinges on luck and timing, streaks and slumps, and the quirks of different courses.

I feel like a woman at a bar Bill is trying to pick up. "Oh my God, so does tennis, they actually have so much in common. What do you like to do for fun?"

This is my main criticism of Bill Simmons. He does no research. None. Zippo. Zilch. Tennis players also have streaks, slumps and timing. You may recall Agassi not playing well when he was married to Brooke Shields. I also recall that tennis is also played on several different surfaces, like grass, concrete and clay, so I think the different courts have quirks as well in tennis, just like golf. Unless Simmons has seen Tiger hit the ball off clay lately.

But for Federer to dominate, it's completely conceivable. And boring.

Imagine if Simmons did any research before he started spitting any columns out. He would know that Federer can not beat Nadal on clay and would not write this last sentence. Federer is #1 in the world and is dominate, but it is not boring because he does lose tournaments, and most of all can not beat Nadal in the French Open. Now imagine if Tiger could not beat Phil Mickelson in the U.S. Open of golf. Bill would probably not find it boring even though Tiger dominates everywhere else, but for some reason he finds Federer being obliterated on clay as boring.

Also, if he did any research, he would know despite Federer being #1 in the world, Nadal has a winning record against him. So not boring.

By contrast, a great tennis career always unfolds the same way: Guy kills himself for a few years getting to the top and staying there; guy gets bored; guy starts sleeping with actresses/models; guy drops in the rankings; guy makes a brief resurgence; guy loses hair and retires; guy disappears forever.

Or it could unfold like Pete Sampras and every other tennis player besides Andre Agassi, who you just described: Guy kills himself to get to the top, has great matches against his biggest rivals, guy begins dating an actress and continues to perform well on the tennis court, guy never drops in ranking until later in his career, guy retires, and finally plays exhibition matches against current top ranked player and beats him.

Simmons career could be described like this: guy works at a bar and becomes one of the first bloggers, guy begins to write for a major online sports web site and almost revolutionizes the idea of writing a column, guy marries some woman and has kids, won't shut up about them so he can go to Hell, guy gets lazy and only writes articles that involve him not having to do any research, guy begins to see a backlash against him so puts himself in a position to not be critiqued, guy realizes he is over his head at a national online web site and begins to cater to his niche audience.

This has to have happened 47 times since I was 10.

One instance fits the description you described. Andre Agassi. I would ask him to name one more but he is a little bitch who protects himself from critiques from outside sources so he does not have to defend anything he says. How can he get by with just saying shit like this? I have no problems with observations and opinions but this is very wrong.

Another big problem: Tennis got too fast (thanks to high-tech rackets, superior conditioning and 130 mph serves), which turned it into a young person's game. Remember an aging Jimmy Connors willing himself into the 1991 U.S. Open semis at age 39? Those days are long gone.

That was fucking awesome and I do remember it. I just don't see how superior conditioning is a bad thing. So Bill's plan to get tennis more popular is to use wooden rackets, have fat old people play and make sure the serve speed is slowed down. Brilliant plan. This is equivalent to using a peach basket and making the ball out of real horsehide to get back to how they played basketball in the 1950's. When he runs ESPN8, I hope he acts on this plan.

The game has evolved to a faster version of itself, and that's that. But we'll never see anything like Borg-McEnroe again. The equipment prevents it.

There is this thing called women's tennis. It is personally my favorite because the points last longer and it is more like what Bill wants. I bet he does not even know there are women's tennis tournaments or even a women's tour. He does not even mention it once. If he does not really know this, then no wonder his friends don't want to play "Who do you think is hotter?" with him.

But these days, succeeding at tennis lends itself to being an exceedingly boring person. You need to be calm, focused and diligent, 24 hours a day.

Just like with the Andre Agassi example above, Bill takes one example and tries to make it work for everyone. Roger Federer is boring, that does not mean every tennis player is.

A quick list of tennis players who are not boring (I am too lazy to look up some spellings):

-Andy Roddick
-Novak Djokavic
-Rafael Nadal
-Maria Sharapova
-Serena Williams
-Venus Williams

There are plenty more but you get my point. On the court, boring and focused, off the court, not boring.

Now Bill's fixes for the struggling sport of tennis:

Fix No. 1

Allow cheering, booing, hooting, chanting—anything short of hooliganism—during matches.

How will this help exactly? It would cause the level of play to go down.

If A-Rod can hit a 101 mph fastball at Fenway with fans yelling about his sexual preference, Venus and Roger can handle a second serve amid some background noise.

When has A Rod had to hit a 101 MPH fastball at Fenway Park? Probably never, so quit exaggerating.

Here are the problems with Bill's horseshit fix:

-Hitting a serve and a baseball pitch are not the same. I would prefer a tennis player did not only hit the ball back at a 50% pace. If the crowd was louder I am going to go ahead and predict it would make it harder for the tennis player to concentrate so the points would be shorter, thereby not fixing the problem.

-Also, in baseball the batter does not have to swing at every pitch, in tennis every serve, if it is in, has to be swung at and there is a lot more ground to cover to do so.

-A Rod also does not have the pitch hit back at him immediately after he hits it.

-You said yourself tennis requires focus, "You need to be calm, focused and diligent, 24 hours a day," how will noise help the focus situation?

Tennis and golf are the only sporting events at which you're expected to drink liquor and not make noise. How does that make sense? I don't like being anyplace where I might be shushed. It's just one of my rules in life.

You are allowed to make noise, just not during the swing or during the points. It's not that hard to understand. Besides if you drink liquor that often then you are a pansy. Drink beer, be a man. Besides, how old are you that you have to make noise at all times?

Fix No. 2
You can't have four "majors" when absolutely nobody cares about one of them. Why not make the Australian a major mixed-doubles event?

They already do that and no one watches. This point absolutely blows.

Would they fall in love, like they do in Dancing With the Stars?

Just keep drinking your liquor and watching dancing on television, princess.

Fix No. 3
Change the set format—make women play best of five, men best of seven—but tighten them (to first to four games) and extend tiebreakers (from first to seven points to first to nine). It's the Short Attention Span era, and there's no going back.

I don't understand why you would do this. Let's do the math since Bill is a fucking illiterate.

The minimum games a woman would play currently: 12 games
The mininum games a woman would play under Bill's plan: 12 games

The minimum games a man would play currently: 18 games
The minimum games a man would play under Bill's plan: 24 games

Also the tie breakers will now take more time by increasing the points needed to win it. This would lengthen a tennis match and not even come close to shortening it. This is the single dumbest idea Simmons has thought of ever.

Yup, our attention is occupied every second of the day, and that cripples tennis worse than anything else.

So let's make it worse.

By adding sets, shortening the length of those sets and extending tiebreakers, we'd be redistributing the number of points and increasing their collective importance.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bill has to be the most retarded fucking person I have ever met in my life and I promise you, I meet some fucking stupid people every day and all day.

Which of the following situations makes each individual game or set more important:

A. One game playoff series
B. One set as a part of 5 sets
C. One set as a part of 7 sets
D. A seven game playoff series

The collective importance of something is magnified when you decrease the times a person has a chance to achieve that something. If you get 7 sets to win, it makes each set less important than a five set match. This is not that hard of a principle to grasp.

It's a radical move but a logical one. See, tennis didn't change. We changed.

These changes would ruin tennis. Burn in Hell asshole.

Monday, June 16, 2008

0 comments Jemele says "Hiel Hitler!"

What is female, has two legs and constantly insults her readers with needless references to race and her own incredibly useless writing?

Jemele Hill. She has come out of the closet as a Celtics hater. That's not the problem, the content of the article and her writing is the overriding problem.

I thought I would be OK. Turns out, I was as wrong as Skip Bayless.


I'm not sure I can handle seeing Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett -- three of the NBA's most likable players -- hoist the Larry O'Brien trophy.

I am not sure I can handle reading this rest of this column now that I have started it. It's like chugging a two liter of Pepsi, where it seems like a good idea but once you start you realize you have to commit completely or you will throw up. That's how I feel.

Not that there's anything wrong with those three guys, but old dislikes die hard. I came of age in my NBA fandom in the 1980s. Being from Detroit, you already know what that era means to me.

You like teams that were the very epitome of dirty players?

They've outplayed the Lakers. They've smothered Kobe Bryant. They practically have Pau Gasol in the fetal position sucking his thumb.

I mean this column is already shit, I am just going to let the writing speak for itself and comment as a little as possible. I would say I was going to give her enough rope to hang herself, but I am not Kelly Tilghman.

Oh by the way, Miss Captain Research. as I will now call her, must not have noticed Gasol is averaging 15 ppg and 11 rebounds in the series and Kobe has only scored 26 ppg and has 6 assists a game. Just saying.

Equally appalling is that some of my friends -- people I consider hardcore Detroiters -- have actually been rooting for the Celtics in the Finals.

Maybe they are not so short sighted as you seem to be to realize the Pistons had a rivalry with the Lakers in the late 80's and early 90's that was a step or two below the Celtic rivalry. So possibly these hardcore Detroiters realize they don't really care who wins and just like basketball. Maybe they would like to to have lost in the Eastern Conference Semifinals to the team that won the NBA Title.

That's just gross.

Not as gross as your hair. Just saying.

Rooting for the Celtics is like supporting inflation, unemployment and locusts. It's like praying for Eva Mendes to get married and for Brad Pitt to be disfigured.
It's like wishing dollar bills and free time for Pacman Jones. It's like hoping the pit bull doesn't take Michael Vick's pinky as a memento. It's like wanting Ron Artest's raps on repeat. It's like coveting fungus.

These analogies are stupid and so are you. As an economist I would like to submit, and I realize you did not know this because you are stupid stupid person and have an IQ around 95 which officially would qualify you as a stupid stupid person, that some inflation is not bad and some unemployment is not all together bad at all for the economy. Moving on...

Reading this I realized what was missing from this. Fortunately helped me!

Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It's like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.

I guess ESPN took that part out because I did not get to read it without Deadspin helping me find out about it. Her references now officially make zero sense, make light of a nuclear standoff, AND mock the single greatest attempted extermination of a race of the last 100 years. That's like the triple crown of offensiveness in writing. Really hard to do.

Warning: At this point, reader may have difficult understanding what the author is attempting to say and her reasoning will not make sense. The author obviously needed to write a longer article and had no more material.

I realize most people don't consider the Boston-Detroit rivalry the same as Yankees-Red Sox,

If I were her editor, I would have her change "most people" to "no one I have ever heard about/met/seen" and then look for a new job or kill myself.

There was a certain amount of begrudging appreciation for the Lakers because Magic is from Michigan and won an NCAA championship at Michigan State.

Sttttttretchiiiiiiiiiiiiing logic has commenced. So the people appreciated the Lakers because one player on the team won a championship while attending a school in the state? I guess he may have been a legend in the state but I don't see how they could not hate the Lakers who had beaten the Pistons in the Finals in 1989.

Based on this logic, these are some teams I could have "appreciated."

1. The 1980's Lakers with James Worthy

2. The 1990's Bulls with Michael Jordan

3. The 2000's Pistons with Rasheed Wallace.

4. The 2000's Spurs with Tim Duncan.

Actually, the last two don't really count but why don't I fucking appreciate them anyway. I realize state pride is super rad but this is a weak reasoning for "appreciating" a team that could be your second biggest rival in the 1980's and early 90's.

Admittedly, to some degree it was about race. Detroit is 80 percent African-American, the mostly white Celtics teams of the past had a tough time being accepted by black audiences.

Does this come off as a bit racist by Jemele? By the way, if we switched this rationale of thought, and the white audience had a similarly narrow line of thought about race then the NBA would be disbanded by now. I am again just mentioning this for you to chew on and think about before you admit again your city was slightly racist in the 1980's.

Boston was the home of the infamous Charles Stuart case -- in which a white man murdered his pregnant wife and blamed it on a black suspect who didn't exist.

Again, I am having a difficult time putting the logic in line for this isolated event causing you, 20 years later, to not want the Celtics to win. If you had just left it at, "I am a Pistons fan," it would have made sense. Bringing in other variables only helps to muddy up your point. Why don't you see this? I realize Boston is a racist city but can't you just stick to basketball reasons you hate the Celtics?

Those feelings toward the city and the Celtics have subsided, in large part because our own racial attitudes have progressed.

If by "our" you mean "apparently everyone but me" then this sentence would make sense.

Considering Detroit is America's favorite impoverished punch line, it probably hurts every Detroiter just a little to see Boston succeed.

Ouch, sorry the city we were looking for was the generic "ghetto." Sorry, but please play Six Degrees of Offensiveness again next week.

It's an anguish, I'm finding, that never truly goes away.

Finally, an emotion we have in common. I feel that way when I see you on television, hear your name, or read your columns.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

0 comments Dibble Chat!

I am currently recovering from a root canal so I am especially pissed today. The attic does not have running water so I guess that is the price I pay for never having a chance to brush my teeth. Also, he suggested I get some sunlight and mumbled something about bone atrophy, I have no idea what that means though. So back to the attic and a Dibble chat that irritated me. Actually so many of the questions and comments irritated me, so maybe I am just irritable. This chat was like a clusterfuck of morons discussing something they know nothing about, except one is an "expert." RDK49 is Dibble.

RKD49 - As far as other trades, I think the one trade, if I was a General Manager right now, and I wanted to make my club great for the next 5 years would be C.C. Sabathia.

There is a reason you are not a General Manager. I personally and I am sure anyone in the world with half a brain can agree, am confused as to how a pitcher who is a free agent after this year can make your team good for the next five years. If Sabathia leaves after this year as a free agent are they going to leave a mural up on the wall of him laughing and wearing a funny hat?Then all of his teammates can come out of the clubhouse and touch it for good luck? But just for five years, then they think it is stupid. If you really wanted to make your club great for the next five years, you would perhaps look for a pitcher that is not a free agent after this very year that is occuring right now.

Let's let this commenter drag down the IQ:

[Comment From glenn]Why would the indians trade C.C. ? He's locked up for a few years and the indians have a few good young players.

I would let this incorrect comment stand normally but Glenn is obviously one of those sports fans who really knows very little about the sport and speaks in cliches. This irritates me. I have friends who are like this in fantasy leagues and these are the type of trade comments I get wanting me to make a trade.

"Braun is top 10 player who is going to break out this year, is locked up with the Brewers at a reasonable amount and I think will challenge A Rod for being the top 3B because of his versatility."

I spit on those comments. So Glenn, no C.C. is not "locked up" for a few years.

RKD49 - Back to the D-Train question, there's nothing wrong with Dontrelle. He has trouble repeating his delivery, which has always been his problem and now he lacks the confidence and focus during game time. When you're working on stuff in the bullpen or in practice you have to leave that out of the game. When the game starts you have to be ready to play with all of your focus being on the hitter.

So according to Dibble there is nothing wrong with Dontrelle Willis...except:

1. He can't repeat his delivery and never has been able to.

2. He has no confidence.

3. He does not focus during the game.

4. He has trouble bringing his "stuff" from the bullpen to the game.

5. He is now in Single A ball.

As always, I am glad Dibble is not a doctor.

(Patient): "What's wrong with me doc?"

(Dr. Dibble): "You are absolutely fine. You can't keep your cholestrol down and as usual for you your blood pressure is through the roof. The cancer in your stomach just can't seem to respond to the medicine we are giving you, plus we don't think you are going to survive the night. When you eat food we have to get the stomach to focus on the food and not the cancer eating it up. We are also going to put you in ICU."

[Comment From Steve Mac]I heard some others saying CC could be available. But that would be limited too right? Basically the same old players, Yankees, Red Sox and Dodgers? Indians would ask for 1/2 a farm system wouldn't they?

RKD49 - There's only 10 true number 1 starters in all of the major leagues and CC is one of them. There are a lot of teams that have deep minor league systems like the Milwaukee Brewers, if you really want to win a championship you need a true #1 and a good #2. The fans have helped baseball become a $6 biliion industry, between luxury tax and profit sharing, every team can afford CC Sabathia. Two years ago the Kansas City royals, known for their cheapness, gave Gil Meche $55 mil.

Here is where Rob's brain does not function well with the issue at hand. I think every team can afford CC Sabathia but here is the part Dibble misses. Every team is not going to bid for him. As I tell my loved ones there is a big difference in what you can afford and what you are willing to pay. Dibble missed the whole point. I would also like for someone to eventually define a #1 starter for me, if there are only ten, I want to be able to find out who these people are. Or is that something Dibble just made up, right here on the spot? You be the judge.

[Comment From Steve Mac]Ozzie stays as manager. That last tirade was nothing. He stated the obvious, which was if the players didn't perform. Then the GM would find someone who does. Also the manager & hitting coach could be on the chopping block. Chicago Media blew that out or proportion, I don't think the national media was that bad. But writers like Marriotti should go to work for the tabloids with that kind of journalism.

RKD49 - I disagree, Ozzie is no longer a player. You want your team to be represented by someone more like Joe Torre than Ozzie Guillen.

Why does everyone use Bobby Cox and Joe Torre as the example of how a manager should act? Joe Torre is comatose most of the time and Bobby Cox has gotten thrown out of the most games in MLB history while managing a pitching staff with the agility of a 13 year old at his first prom. You know who I would rather have as a manager? One that can win a World Series with a baseball team and right now that means I would want Ozzie.

Two things I've learned in the 20+ years I've been around major league baseball, the manager has to respect the players and the manager has to respect management.

You can't just make sentences in support of your argument that do not pertain to the conversation. If A and B are fighting, then C may have nothing to do with it. The problem is not the players respecting Guillen or management respecting Guillen, the problem in this question was the media blowing it out of proportion. Which did happen courtesy of Jay the Brillo Head and others. If the question asked about Ken Williams, then you could have answered with your "I have been around baseball for 20+ years..." I have been around shitty journalism for 28 years and I learned that when a person is stupid, he/she says shit like this.

[Comment From Mike Torrez]who do you think has the toughest division, with in mind.. the rest of everyones schedule?

RKD49 - Every division is hard. It's the lowest winning percentage by visiting teams in major league baseball history since 1931. Only 3 teams in MLB are above .500 on the road this season.

At some point Rob Dibble and Joe Morgan have met at a Cincinnati Red conference or something. Only Joe Morgan could teach him the art of the cop out sentence while throwing in random facts that mean nothing pertaining to the question as a way of showing you know something but just not the answer to the direct question you were given.

It is the analyst version of, "Look, something shiny!"

[Comment From diran]Rob, do you think anyone will ever win the triple crown again.

RKD49 - The reason I don't think anyone will win the triple crown is that baseball has changed. Hitters used to respect stiking out. They don't now...So the batting average for alot of HR and RBI guys is going to be too low to complete the feat...If there is 1 man it would be Albert Pujols...He is 1 to 1 with K's and BB's...he would be the pick for me...

Oh Dear God. Let's do a logic test by breaking down each sentence to see where Dibble makes no fucking sense.

Hitters used to respect stiking out. They don't now...

I think he meant striking out, so I am going to go with that. Is it a good or a bad thing to respect striking out? I can't figure this out. Is this like respecting a shark? What is this?

So the batting average for alot of HR and RBI guys is going to be too low to complete the feat...

His argument is that hitters strike out too much and everyone's batting average would be too low. But compared to who? Oh yeah, themselves! Just like Rob may be the smartest person at his family reunion, he will be able to win the Dibble Family Jeopardy Game, because he is being compared to a class of people who have the same problem he does. Stupidity. Same thing here. Rob has some India style caste system he thinks players adhere to now where homerun and RBI hitters don't hit for average and hitters who hit for average don't hit HR's and RBI's, so there is no way someone who hits for average could hit enough HR's or RBI's to get the Triple Crown. Let's check out the league leaders and bold those players who can be seen at in least two of the top 5 in each league in the three categories. AL first.

Batting Average:

1. Milton Bradley
2. Joe Mauer
3. Hideki Matsui
4. Johnny Damon
5. J.D. Drew

Home Runs:

1. Josh Hamilton
2. Carlos Quentin
3. Manny Ramirez
4. Jason Giambi
5. Milton Bradley


1. Josh Hamilton
2. Carlos Quentin
3. Jose Guillen
4. Manny Ramirez
5. Justin Morneau

It looks like he may have a point! So I then saw something interesting. Two names that are on the HR and RBI list are on the BA list in the top 10.

6. Josh Hamilton
10. Manny Ramirez

It looks to me like Josh Hamilton and Manny Ramirez currently both have a shot at the Triple Crown.

Now the NL:

Batting Average:

1. Chipper Jones
2. Lance Berkman
3. Albert Pujols
4. Aaron Rowand
5. Ryan Theriot

Home Runs:

1. Chase Utley
2. Lance Berkman
3. Dan Uggla
4. Adrian Gonzalez
5. Ryan Braun


1. Chase Utley
2. Adrian Gonzalez
3. Lance Berkman
4. Ryan Ludwick
5. Carlos Lee

Pujols is actually a decent guess and he possibly could get the Triple Crown but would Lance Berkman not have been a better example for an expert? Come on, he is right there in all three categories. Especially since Chipper Jones would have to be the first person to hit .400 in 60 years. I think it is hard to say power hitters don't hit for average and make blanket statements like Dibble is fond of here.

[Comment From jack philipoom]At least one of the pirates outfileders should make it to the all star game they're all having carrer years!

New All Star criteria: Anyone having a career year makes it in the All Star game and it would all be retroactive, so this year this man starts the game at shortstop for his career year in 1999. Congrats!

Would it hurt anyone to try and spell correctly?

[Comment From Guest]sure respond to the cubs comment but you don't respond to my and say yes you are right i order everyone to vote reading this to vote for the pirates outfiielders right now.

New chat criteria: Any question about the Pirates outfielders has to be answered ASAP. By the way, a free Cheez-It to those who can name the Pirates OF without looking it up.

This chat just became a free for all at this point, so random comments follow:

RKD49 -
The White Sox have the best pen on paper, but give a lot of credit to George Cherrill in Baltimore, he's got 21 saves and Brian Wilson in SF with 18.

Usually when you put a "but" in a sentence it pertains in some way to the prior sentence fragment. Rob Dibble says fuck that. It's like he has 35 thoughts in his head and has to get them out as soon as possible. It's like "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader" for thoughts in your head...and usually Rob loses.

RKD49 - Just take the top 10 pitchers from wins and saves in each league and you pretty much have your All Star pitchers. the guys that I think should start the game right now are Cliff Lee in the AL and Edinson Volquez for thge NL.

New All Star criteria: No votes, screw the fans, the day before name the team based on random statistic calculation. That way there is 20 pitchers on a roster for 25. Smart move. Under this criteria here is players among your All Star team:

Mike Mussina
Vincente Padilla
Chien Ming Wang
Mark Hendrickson
Trevor Hoffman
B.J. Ryan

I like this method. So I guess the 10 #1 pitchers in baseball are the pitchers with the most wins then.

[Comment From robags]hey dibs, what's your take on fantasy? good or bad for baseball?

RKD49 - fantasy is great for baseball, my friend James Denton of Desparate Housewives has played for 20 years....I'm just brutal when it comes to building a team on 100 million

First Dibble uses Joe Morganesque reasoning and now he is name dropping like Bill Simmons. I think Dibble is just brutal when it involves thinking and reasoning. He just says stupid things.

RKD49 - mets are trying to win


RKD49 - The fans should have a vote for the HOF

Because fan voting for the All Star Game works so well. I wish fans had a vote in who worked for Fox Sports.

RKD49 - The writers were brought in 70 years ago to promote the HOF, now is you write for a paper for 10 years you get a vote. How does Vin Scully not have a vote. Time to get into the 21st century.....

Seriously, he has all kinds of shitty insights like this one, loaded with sentences that don't make sense. Vin Scully is an announcer for one organization, what makes him more qualified than a writer to vote for the HoF? I am all for redoing the whole HoF process but I am not sure fan voting and announcer voting is the solution. I am sure Jerry Remy would be incredibly inpartial on his Mike Greenwell HoF vote.

Unfortunately this is how Rob Dibble ended the chat/clusterfuck. The novacaine is wearing off now and I am going to sneak downstairs into mom's kitchen to get some juice and climb back in the attic now.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

0 comments Low Hanging Fruit Loves Me

I tried in vain to find something else to write about. I searched the Internet up and down and tried to get pissed at even the slightest stance a columnist took. I went to for any articles I may disagree with and still came up empty. Finally I went to the Bill Simmons column which is pretty much crack for my soul, I seriously need an intervention. Due to the fact he pisses me off and I can write for hours about his latest column, I will only comment in short, one sentence pithy comebacks. That's the hook, but can I do it?

For all intent and purpose, the Celtics played a perfect Game 2. They shot 53 percent from the field and made nine of 14 3-pointers.

Perfect would be 100% from the field and 14 of 14 3-pointers, so here is the definition to help you.

So you can understand our confusion. Within something like 15 seconds, Boston's 24-point lead was whittled down to … (clearing my throat) … (slapping myself in the face a couple of times) … (peeing a little bit in my pants) … two

No matter what Adam Sandler says, peeing in your pants is not cool and this does not sound like the definition of perfect so please read it again.

I wish I could explain what happened, but L.A.'s comeback defied explanation.

He is an idiot so I bet he will explain and defy the odds!

The Celtics relaxed, the Lakers made a couple 3s, the Celtics missed a couple shots, Kobe shifted into 17th gear, the Lakers made a couple more 3s, and somewhere during this stretch,

He did.

my buddy Hench texted me, "Will this be the worst loss in Boston sports history?"

Worse than Game 6 of the 1986 World Series?

(Yes, actually. And NBA history.

Worse than this I found randomly searching on the Internet? Milwaukee authored the biggest comeback in NBA history on November 25, 1977, vs. the Hawks. Down 29 with 8:43 remaining, the Bucks finished the game with a 35-4 run and a 117-115 win.

And sports history.)

Excessive Hyperbole Bill Simmons would have been his Western gun slinger name and he would carry a reference encyclopedia for all the claims makes, but he would never look at it.

and my frozen father was only missing a coffin and a touch-up makeup job from a mortician.

So if he is dead does that mean we don't get to hear about him ever again, because if we don't please tell me where I can send flowers/donations to.

That's when Paul Pierce (28 points, eight assists) saved us, barreling to the basket with one of his patented old-school, herky-jerky, zig-zag drives, drawing a foul and nailing both free throws with 22 seconds left.I was more relieved than anyone. Why?

Because you are self centered, egotistic douchebag that thinks the entire world revolves around you and have no concept there are other individuals in the world that could be feeling the same emotions and possibly in greater amounts that you do because you are too focused on how awesome you and everything you experience is?

Because the two Lakers fans sitting to my left apparently had this conversation in California on Friday night.

Fan No. 1: "Dude, I got us tickets for Round 2. Wanna fly to Boston with me?"

Fan No. 2: "Dude, I'm in!"

Fan No. 1: "Let's wear Kobe jerseys, get drunk during the game, argue with people in our section and see if somebody will take a swing at us."

Fan No. 2: "Dude, I said I'm in. You bringing your designer man-purse?"

Fan No. 1: "Absolutely! Are you going to trim your beard so you look like Crockett during the first season of 'Miami Vice'?"

Fan No. 2: "You betcha!"

Is this stupidier than wearing a Red Sox jersey to Tropicana Field, writing an article about it, mocking the fans, and then taking a picture of your crotch with food on it?

Look, every fan base has a worst-case scenario stereotype -- for Boston fans, it's someone with a shortened Irish name (Murph, Sully or Fitzy) who looks like a 295-pound Mike O'Malley, only with a shaved head, a comically ridiculous Baaaaa-stan accent, a T-shirt that's two sizes too small and a blood-alcohol level of 0.27 at all times.

Being so self centered, I wish you would realize you are my worst-case scenario stereotype.

(Here's an idea before Game 6, should it happen: The Celtics send out a news release that, if they see anyone sitting in a season-ticket seat for Games 6 or 7 wearing a Lakers jersey, a Lakers T-shirt or a Lakers hat, then the person who owns those season tickets will lose them next season. Period. End of story.)

I guess Boston Celtics fans are such die hard fans they sell their season tickets to the NBA Finals against their hated rivals!

This was a different crowd from Game 1 -- almost entirely Boston diehards, all of them wearing green or white -- which pushed the atmosphere to old-school Garden heights and unquestionably affected the officiating.

Boston diehards, who sell their season tickets to the NBA Finals against their hated rivals, can even affect (effect? Bill?) officiating.

There were also an unfathomable number of current Boston stars and former stars spread throughout the building, including Bill Russell, Doug Flutie, Curt Schilling, John Havlicek, David Ortiz, Kevin Millar, Mike Lowell, Josh Beckett, Wes Welker, Vince Wilfork, Adalius Thomas, Richard Seymour, Ty Warren, Coco Crisp, Antoine Walker, Cedric Maxwell, Jon Lester, the Red Sox owners (John Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino), Tim Wakefield, Jacoby Ellsbury, Tedy Bruschi, Jo-Jo White, Ty Law, M.L. Carr, Tommy Heinsohn and many more.

If Boston diehards had a special superpower it would be, "the ability to bring together athletes in one city for a major sporting event," and every other super hero would have it.

For God's sake, look at that list again. It's like the Ghosts of Boston Sports Past and Present.

For God's your father really dead?

That's a phenomenon unique to this particular city -- an unusually high level of fraternizing between the Red Sox, Celtics and Patriots that started a few years ago and eventually reached the point that players show up to support the other teams. Basically, the Boston sports scene has turned into a giant college campus.

Excessive Hyperbole Bill Simmons stared into the face of Wrongness, ignoring it's disapproving scowl, threw his encyclopediac reference book down and wrote this sentence, but because Excessive Hyperbole Bill Simmons does not allow comments Wrongness can not hit Simmons back with the weakness he has, the Truth.

Now the three relevant Boston franchises seem like mirror images of each other.

Not quite yet, there has been no proof the Red Sox have cheated to win games.

Digging a little deeper, the revival of the Celtics, Red Sox and Patriots mirrors something that's happening to Boston as a whole. Quite simply, the city that I left behind in 2002 doesn't exist anymore.

I wish you did not exist anymore.

On Friday night, I went to pick up my friend Willy at his place on Commonwealth Avenue; across the street, something was happening but I couldn't figure out what.

"That's where they're filming the new Bruce Willis movie," Willy said matter-of-factly.


They filmed a prominent movie with George Clooney and John Krasinski right near me, so look for my 1500 word essay on it when I reached the point of patheticism you are currently at.

During the first quarter, there was one sequence when Kobe threw a bullet pass through Gasol's hands for a turnover, then shot Gasol one of his patented Michael Corleone, "You disappointed me, don't be surprised if I have you killed later" glares, only Gasol fired right back and told Kobe that he should have thrown a bounce pass, followed by Kobe staring at Gasol intently and trying to make Gasol's head actually explode on the court.

He forgot the part where Gasol dunked on Garnett the next time down the court.

But it symbolized what happened with the Lakers in these first two games; they looked rattled,

They looked rattled when they almost came back from 24 points?

they couldn't get calls

That was because of those Boston die hard fans, who sell their season tickets to the NBA Finals against their hated rivals.

they couldn't protect the rim,

Gasol did not need to protect the rim when he dunked on Garnett.

and on defense they seemed one step behind except for the fourth quarter in both games.

The Lakers outscored the Celtics 41-25 in the fourth quarter of Game 2.

At one point, my dad pointed to referee Bob Delaney, who was practically wearing a Celtics jersey and joked, "I like that guy. I want him for every game!"

So he is still alive AND not funny?

Yeah, the calls were one-sided, but you can't expect to get calls when you're reaching in from behind, trying to strip guys after they beat you and trying to block shots after your guy already grabbed an offensive rebound and he's standing between you and the basket.

I prefer the Celtics and find this indefensible, so please don't try.

When they started playing with desperation in the fourth quarter, pressured the ball full-court and bombed 3s in a wild small-ball attack, you could see the lightbulb flickering over their heads. Hmmmmm, maybe that's how we should have played this whole series.

Apparently if you change your style of play the referees will be entertained and give you more calls.

flying around the court like Lawrence Taylor after an 8-ball

Bill had to make one negative drug reference to a minority, so his quota is met now.

I'm starting to wonder if they simply got rusty after they clinched home court, lost their way a little bit, battled some severe confidence issues in the Atlanta and Cleveland series and ultimately found their way again.

They were clearly the best team, they just had no confidence, yeah, that's the ticket.

These things can happen with an inexperienced team, even a team with this many veterans.

You know, they say 60% of the time, it works every time.

When you think about it, none of their key characters could be considered "playoff experienced" except for Pierce (and even that's dubious), and they have a coach who has been learning as he goes along.

I wish horseshit excuses were not covered by his ESPN healthcare plan.

For all the grief that Doc Rivers has taken (and yes, I'm one of the grief-givers),

You are THE grief giver and got called out by Bob Ryan over it.

As I've written in the past, I'm a big believer in "getting reps" in life, whether it's speaking in public, driving a race car, performing in a porn movie, coaching a basketball team or whatever. Maybe Doc just needed to get some playoff reps in. I keep telling myself this.

I am Simmonsologist and have never heard you say that, but think you may be a bigger believer in making shit up to make you look smart.

But even Kobe can't stop the sun from shining in Boston today.

Probably because despite being a great basketball player, Kobe is not a solar eclipse, a cloud, nor a massive explosion that obliterates the sun.

There is nowhere I would rather be.

I have $100 that says he will be in Los Angeles for Game 3.

Monday, June 9, 2008

0 comments Joey, Joey!

I have officially visited the bleachers at Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees, my 29th favorite team in MLB, and the Royals play, who I could care less about. Despite all the odds against it, I actually enjoyed the game. Here are my highlights from the beginning of the walk in to the end of the game:

-As we walked to the stadium I was asked if I had my wallet in my back pocket, which I already did. Apparently picking people's pocket is popular in New York. Welcome to the Bronx!

-As you enter the stadium you see concessions and notice a stench that could potentially be described as the worst smell in the history of the world. Imagine a sweaty, non deodorant wearing man passing gas beside a skunk and then multiply it by ten. This was the concession area, where you are supposed to order food, so I got a Nathan's hot dog and began the ascent to my seat in Section 42 with the Bleacher Creatures.

-If anyone has ever been to Yankee Stadium, your first thought at the majesty of it was probably the same as mine...God, this is small, it looks a lot bigger on television and in my nightmares. Then you imagine Jeffrey Maier catching Derek Jeter's homerun in 1996 and all of the other historic things that have happened and it seemed really disconcerting they happened in the same ball park I was standing in considering how small the stadium felt to me. If this is the House Ruth Built, it must have been before he weighed a solid 250 pounds or else he would not have fit in the stadium. Ok, maybe not that small but still...

-The weather. It was sunny, no cloud in the sky and absolutely beautiful. Unfortunately it was also 108 degrees and not windy in the least bit. I began perspiring at the entrance to the tunnel and did not stop until I had gotten in the shower 5 hours later. Brutal, brutal weather. Also, you never really think about how slow Andy Pettitte works until he takes a half hour between pitches, then people look at you when you yell, "just pitch the ball!" By the way, he gave up 10 earned runs because Joe Girardi comes from the same school as Bobby Cox and have taken the class called, "Excessive amounts of wildness and 100+ pitches is not cause for taking a pitcher out of the game." By the way, it was 108 degrees but Pettitte still came out for the 7th inning after giving up 6 runs. The public address announcer made periodic announcements that free water was available to keep everyone hydrated. Of course that all ran out in the 5th inning and all that was left was $4.50 bottled water. I bought three. I guess A Rod has to get paid somehow.
-Derek Jeter. Yankee fans love this man. Here is what he did during the game 0-4, one error, and thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double. That was the highlight of his day other than the .276 average, 3 HR and 29 RBI's. Let's just say I came away less than impressed with him and even less impressed by the fact he is described as such a smart baserunner by every announcer and still felt the need to test Jose Guillen's arm. That did not work out well for him.

-Alex Rodriguez. He hit a massive 2 run homerun in the 7th inning to put the Yankees within two runs, and they eventually won, but his fan support was lackluster to say the least. A Rod jerseys should sell out every other jersey 2-1 but he had about as many jerseys as Joba Chamberlain did. I would buy a jersey simply because they are stuck with him for the next 10 years. I also called the homerun and no one was sufficiently impressed by this. I told my lady of long term committment A Rod was going deep in this at bat and he did. You would think she would be impressed by my abilities enough to tell everyone, but she just sat there and acknowledged she thinks I am smart. Not good enough, everyone else needs to know it too.

-Bleacher Creatures. That is what they call themselves. Basically they should be called the real baseball fans who don't have enough money to get really good seats. I did notice some odd things about them though:

First, they chant every player's name on the Yankees team once they take the field in the first inning. Only after the player acknowledges the fan's support do they stop. It is actually pretty cool, so I enjoyed that. They don't do it for the first baseman, the pitcher and the catcher, so I wonder why?

Second, they love Derek Jeter.

Third, someone guy who looked like he was an extra in any movie that has ever taken place in New York (whatever that means) chanted for a two inning span, "Joey, Joey", followed by an insult of some type like, "you are going to be chasing baseballs all day." I am all for heckling but I am not sure in an OF containing Jose Guillen, Joey Gaithwright is the top priority for the heckling faithful. This made me lose respect for this man, simply because Jose Guillen is an admitted steroid user and should be an easy target. Maybe they are too afraid to taunt for fear Jason Giambi may hear and think about what he may or may not have done, I don't know.

Fourth and lastly, they were not quite as mean as I had given them credit for. I was wearing my favorite team's hat the entire day and there were three Boston Red Sox shirts that I saw. I was not accosted with insults and the Red Sox fan was neither. I was a little disappointed because I expected to have to defend myself a little. I guess it was too hot.

-A lady was wearing a Roger Clemens jersey with the number 12 on it. I tried for an hour and never got why she was wearing a Clemens jersey that did not have his correct number on the back.

-Pulling Joba Chamberlain into the starting rotation has caused some great concern among the Yankee fans concerning late inning relief. The guy in front of me had a shirt that said, "Anybody but Farnsworth," but he being compared to the other shit they have, he seems like a decent option.

-Don't go in the toilets at Yankee Stadium and expect to sit down if you are a girl. If you are a girl and you are reading this sentence, I would be extremely shocked as well. I have one reader and from all appearances it is a guy.

-For some reason, the phrase "Got Melky?" really grosses me out.

-I could not recognize any of the Yankee's players introduction music and this pissed me off.

-I saw the new Yankees Stadium 100 feet from the old one, which is the one I was currently in. This brought up the question of how the hell were they going to tear the old one down? They usually blast stadiums since that takes all of five seconds and I was told they were going to tear it down with workers. This is stupid. Along with the traffic near the George Washington Bridge, which goes one lane, two lanes, back to one lane, this makes me lose a little respect for the city planners.

-I would like to back when the temperature is 30 degrees cooler.

Friday, June 6, 2008

0 comments Peter Gammons Is A Dick

I had snuck out of the attic this morning to brush my teeth and stupidly turned on Mike and Mike In The Morning and saw Peter Gammons was doing his weekly Friday Red Sox update. Between the time I went to go finish brushing my teeth and feeding my pet panther and the time I came back to the television, the topic had turned to Jimmy Rollins and this is what spewed out of Pete-ah's mouth (please pretend he is saying it with his weird lisp thingie and this is not an exact quote but is close enough to get the point):

Jimmy Rollins is the leader of that team. He had a great season last year and deserved the MVP. I don't care how many statistics you put together in the basement trying to prove otherwise, you can't measure what he does on the field and his teammates count on him.

My first thought was that Pete-ah thought Rollins had gotten traded to the Red Sox and that is why he was defending him. My second thought was I need to watch more Phillies games to see if Rollins does magic tricks on the field or jumps through a fiery hoop during the 7th inning stretch. My third though was that he is the lead off hitter, of course they count on him to get on base, which is also the main criticism of his MVP candidacy.

My fourth thought was the cheap shot at bloggers or anyone who does not have enough room for an office that is not in the basement. I love how Peter tied in the blogger, Sabermetrics and basement argument into one sentence. Very original and especially hilarious. I bet he tells a great Asian women driver joke or two. He should probably stick to sniffing around the Red Sox collective ass and leave the blogger jokes to others.

This is another example of the extreme distaste that "old school" baseball writers have for Sabermetrics and anything involving blogging about baseball. It is ironic he said this because Gammons is revered by many on the Internet and I am also pretty sure Gammons' BFF Theo uses Sabermetrics in some evaluations of players.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

0 comments Random Thoughts

I was going to live blog the MLB Draft, but then decided that would be a waste of time since I don't follow the players until they make it into my favorite team's farm system. So if anyone reads this, you are stuck with random thoughts from me.

-Bill Simmons did a Finals preview and I did not read it.

I went to the end, saw he had 33 quotes (because he is not superstitious or anything) he commented on and picked the Celtics in 7 games. When has he ever picked against his favorite team? Ever? In his chat the other day he got a little defensive when a reader/critic accused him of only talking about Boston sports and he responded by naming everything Boston teams have been in and done over the past couple years and asked what else he was supposed to talk about. That's true but he can't act as of there is nothing else going on in the sports world and his admitted inability to pay attention to the National League and the NFC makes it hard to even dream he has a point.

-I agree. I think people get too excited about him. I would like to see him make the HoF because I have his jersey shirt and wear it to bed but still.

-I did not read Fire Joe Morgan's new posts for the first time in a year today. It does not interest me, just like an open letter about any other team other than my favorite would not interest me. I think that is the entire point those who were surprised by the open letter to Theo Epstein have. It read more as a fan blog than a critique of other writers.

-I love it when Jason Whitlock stretches so hard to make an argument because sometimes he makes a good point. In this case his argument can be negated with one comment.
The reason OJ Mayo got more press is because he has actively looked for publicity since he was 14 years old, played in a college sport that received more publicity, and had most of his games nationally televised. It's the same reason no one cared when Jodie Sweetin got divorced but the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston split was all over the news.

-Michael Beasley is going to find out really quickly that the NBA Draft is a game of inches. 6 foot 10 inches looks good, 6 foot 8 inches does not for a power forward. It should not really matter, but these idiots who scout think this is a huge deal.

I am not going to warn anyone against DeAndre Jordan again. He did 8 reps in the bench press. The bench press is no big deal for Kevin Durant because he is a wingman but Jordan is a post player Even though he is 20, Jordan needs to get stronger AND I watched him play multiple times and I think he is lazy.

-Remember, I am a professional and know what I am talking about.

-You know what story does not get enough play? The Jason Taylor-Bill Parcells saga. I need to know more about the situation down there in Florida. I honestly don't care if Bill Parcells wants Taylor back and I don't see how anyone else does either.

-I can't speak enough about Bill Parcells and what an asshole I believe he is. He stands up the Tampa Bay Bucs 6 years ago, instead goes to Dallas and never wins a playoff game. This year he goes back on his word to the Atlanta Falcons and ends up in Miami. Not to mention he was openly looking for a new job with the Jets when he was with the Patriots. He is basically a gun for hire until he cons another team into letting him have control over their roster. I don't get how this is any different than what Nick Saban and Bobby Petrino did. There's no difference in my mind.

The worst part is no one calls him out on this. I remember when he went face to face with Chris Mortensen before he took the Cowboys job on ESPN and absolutely denied he would be the Cowboys head coach. Three days later, he was announced as head coach. Not to mention he has not had that much success with each team he has coached since leaving the Giants and the main reason is completely his fault. That main reason is that he leaves before the team can make it back to the playoffs a couple years in a row, so that leaves the team with a new head coach and a new system. I guess that worked out well eventually for the Patriots. I would absolutely never hire him as my head coach if I was an owner.

-I think Bobby Cox is by far the most overrated game manager of the last 20 years. His in-game decisions are horrible. I have also come to the conclusion Dusty Baker wishes Jay Bruce was a pitcher so he could ruin his career ASAP.

-The Cowboys are my football version of the Boston Red Sox. I don't care about Pacman Jones, TO, Tony Romo or even give a shit about the team as a whole. Win a playoff game and then you will get my attention. Not that you really want it but still...

-Ok, only one more Boston bashing post...

Martin Bell (NYC): There’s no way to put this gently, so I’ll be blunt: Are you and Bill Simmons going to get along?

SportsNation Rick Reilly: We’re already getting along. The guy is routinely hilarious.

Not really, really funny, but just routinely funny. He is the "According to Jim" of the ESPN world. Congrats Bill!

He’s new school, I’m old school, but we still want the same thing: entertaining, compelling columns.

I've got an idea! Let's see which one of these puts out an entertaining, compelling column first and they will win free tickets to kiss my ass. Good luck men!

Also in this post I get a FREE Simmons rebuttal to Bob Ryan. Say it ain't so.

“That’s right, someone writing a serious rebuttal to an intentionally ridiculous column. I never thought it could happen, but if it DID ever happen, I knew it was going to be a Boston College grad who did it."

Bill, it is hard to keep up, all of your columns are really fucking ridiculous. Please tell me when it is intentional and when you are just be a stuck up asshole. Please? Are intentionally ridiculous columns a part of your goal to make entertaining and compelling columns? Can't you see you are a joke and have no business being a national sportswriter?

Both sides need to win for them to have a rivalry; if only one side is winning, then it’s a feud and that’s all. I covered this in pages 183-186 of my book in the chapter about the Yankees-Red Sox feud — complete with analysis of Webster’s official definition of the word “rivalry” — a feud that never achieved “rivalry” status until Oct. 21, 2004.

Wrong. Not right. You will not get any points for that answer. I have chunks of stool that are smarter than you. I don't give a shit about your book where you just make up definitions. Only one side is still winning in the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry. When the Red Sox get to 1/4 of the titles that the Yankees have, then and only then, will it be a rivalry. How can one win make it a rivalry? Maybe it is a current rivalry, but in the long term you have a long way to go to compete Billy Boy.

I am leaving the attic and heading up to Yankees Stadium to take in the Brian Bannister and Andy Pettittittte duel on Saturday, so I will be sure to ask a few Yankees fans what they think of the current 26-3 deficit for the Red Sox and get back to you all. I hate the Yankees but I am still pretty pumped to attend a game in Yankee Stadium. Flying into New Jersey and a two hour car ride from there? Not so much.