3 comments Bill Simmons Breaks Out the "Real" Mailbag to Break Down the Dwight Howard Trade

I have created a College Football Yahoo Pick 'Em league if anyone cares to join that league. The league ID is 5656 and the password is "asu." Though large numbers aren't as necessary in that league, we only have two people and that's depressing.

Bill Simmons had a great time over at the Olympics. Don't take my word for it. He'll prove to be the annoying braggart we all know he can be when he tells you himself in a minute or so. Bill also has a great time in Los Angeles because of the great weather and will mention this no less than three times in this "mailbag." Bill did not have a great time hearing about the Dwight Howard trade. He is a very sad right now. Not sad enough to not do a two-question mailbag on the topic though! Not sad enough to make further excuses for Daryl Morey thought! Not sad enough to not put together words in sentences that give thousands a headache.

Man, life just couldn't be better out here in how-the-hell-is-it-still-sunny London.

Well great, just be sure to tell us all about in an effort to prove your insufferability is off the charts. God knows there isn't anything people enjoy reading more than how good of a time someone had on vacation. Only if Bill sat us down and showed us pictures for 30 minutes could it get worse then getting to read about all of the awesome things Bill did in London because he works for Grantland which is affiliated with ESPN, though Bill could afford to go to the Olympics even if he didn't start Grantland with his own two hands because he gets paid a lot of money and used to work for Jimmy Kimmel.

I knocked Wimbledon and Wembley off my sports bucket list. I caught a do-or-die quadruple-header of men's hoops. I watched the USA women's gymnastics and soccer teams capture gold medals under especially tense conditions.

Again, good for you. We are all bitter and don't care to hear about your good fortune. Well, that is except for the SimmonsClones. They live vicariously through Bill Simmons so his good fortune is their good fortune.

You know what? I say we immortalize this experience with a mega-mailbag for old time's sake. As always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

This is actually a mailbag that answers two questions, followed by two other mailbags about the London Olympics. Will I get to at least one of the other mailbags? As Joe Morgan used to say, it's too early to tell, but Ryan Howard is underpaid if you compare him to Matt Holliday.

Q. The Lakers got Howard without having to give up Gasol??? Seriously NBA GM's, what the hell? I'm very drunk and I have to work hardcore tomorrow. Is there a bright side or silver lining to this?
— Jay, Chicago

Just a tip to you sports fans out there. If you are drunk and have to work tomorrow, hardcore work nonetheless, and you decide while you are drunk the one thing you need to do is email Bill Simmons...then you need to sober up and take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. There's a chance you may led a sad life and need to find new role models. There is no excuse for someone's judgment to be so impaired while drinking they think emailing Bill Simmons, and stating they are drunk as if this gives them "cool points" in the mind of a 40 year old man with two children, is what they should be doing with their time.

Q: You went on record saying that the Lopez/Humphries/multiple first round picks deal for Howard was "unacceptable." If that deal was 30 cents on the dollar, this deal has to be 2 cents on the dollar, right? The Magic got family sized pupu platter deluxe in Afflalo, Harrington, Vukevic, Harkless and 3 protected picks in the 20s.
— Matt Whitaker, Columbus, OH

Allow me to go on record. I like Moe Harkless a lot. Not as much as I like Brad Beal, but I like Moe Harkless a lot lot. I like him as a rookie who needs a year or two to learn to play in the NBA. He is not worth Dwight Howard. Not that Harkless was traded straight up for Howard, but this was not a good trade for the Magic overall. Though the good news is the Magic fans got rid of the Dwight Howard stories that were dominating the coverage of the team...so that's something, right?

I'm just going to start typing. Here are my gut reactions …

Right because I am sure this mailbag was typed straight from his gut and contains absolutely no editing. Bill is just going to start typing his gut instincts, then review what he typed 2-3 times, add in a few jokes, and finally submit the column. It's all just so off-the-cuff.

WINNER: The Lakers Couldn't have played it any more perfectly these past six months: never biting on Orlando's "No, we need Gasol AND Bynum" power play,

Yes, the Lakers played this perfectly, but it also helped the Magic ended up having very little leverage when it came to Howard. Dwight Howard only wanted to play in certain cities and the leading offer on the table was a package built around Kris Humphries-Kardashian and Brook Lopez. So the Lakers didn't really need to start throwing Gasol and Bynum on the table in the trade talks until it was clear there were other serious offers out there which could top an offer of Bynum and Gasol. Bynum or Gasol individually topped the centerpiece of what any other team seemed to offer, so the Lakers didn't need to play anything perfectly. They just saw how desperate the Magic were and figured the price for Howard would decrease.

And as always with the Lakers, it worked out:

I've covered this before. It isn't just the Lakers that have things work out for them. Bill's very own Celtics often have trades work out for them, as do other NBA teams. Bill's bitterness towards the Lakers has caused him to be unable to distinguish between the truth and what he believes to be the truth.

If scientists could create basketball-playing robots from scratch and were asked to create someone to play with Pau Gasol, Kobe Bryant and Nash, basically, they would create Dwight Howard: a ridiculously strong shot blocker/rebounder who can run the floor and doesn't need the ball to be happy. In the span of 3.5 seconds, the Lakers went from "old, slow, can't defend anybody" to "who's stopping us?"

This brings me back to the other point I want to make. Bill has stated over, and over, and over, and over again the 2012 NBA Finals is the template upon which all NBA teams will now be built. He's said it repeatedly. He's stated the athleticism on display in that NBA Finals will be the standard upon which teams will have to meet in order to win an NBA Title. Apparently Bill was under the impression every NBA team needs their very own Durant, LeBron and Wade, because there are so many of those types of guys out there and all.

I said "was under the impression" because Bill changes his mind in this very column, without actually saying, "I'm an idiot who pretends to know more about the NBA then I probably do and stated the NBA was moving in a direction it certainly wasn't moving all because I overreacted to the makeup of the two teams in the 2012 NBA Finals." In fact, Bill claims his readers are the ones who thought the small-ball era was here, which is clearly false.

This brings me to my point. If the 2012 NBA Finals is the template on how teams can win an NBA Title then how can an NBA team with no athletic wing players and a natural center win the NBA Title and be unstoppable? The Lakers aren't athletic enough under Bill's "premature theory that every team needs to be super athletic because one time there was an NBA Finals with super athletic players," yet Bill seems them as an unstoppable team. Funny how that works.

LOSER: Brooklyn If Howard's inexplicable February flip-flop never happened, the Nets would have launched their new stadium with a Howard/Williams duo. Instead, they're headed for a series of second-round playoff exits with one of the least charismatic playoff contenders ever assembled. Will anyone care? Not really.

And apparently no charisma means no wins. I'm fairly certain if you told Bill Simmons that skill is what wins games for an NBA team, he would smack you in the face and call you wrong. Bill believes teams win games if they show attributes in the following order:

1. Give each other a lot of high-fives.
2. Ubuntu. Use it.
3. Appear to like each other.
4. Have charisma.
5. Look like they are having fun on the court.
6. Have a white guy on the bench who waves a towel.
...
192. Have players with a strong set of skills which causes those players to have talent at playing basketball.

I don't remember anyone complaining about LeBron stacking his Miami team, or choosing to play with his biggest rival over trying to beat him, when we were watching him lay waste to Oklahoma City. We only care about what's happening in the moment.

Really? Really? Really? There was no one saying LeBron stacked his Miami team or criticizing LeBron for choosing the Heat as he made his way to winning his first NBA Title? Bill should check ESPN sometime and find a guy named "Skip Bayless" on the television. Or read an article posted on this thing called "the Internet." There were plenty of people criticizing LeBron as he made his way to winning his first title. Perhaps Bill should read articles that are posted on the Internet sometime and he would find out his assumption is very much incorrect.

That's professional sports in the 21st century — once you reach a certain level of quality, you can walk all over whomever you want without any real repercussions. Remember the Bridesmaids scene when they were trying on wedding dresses and everyone came down with violent diarrhea? Howard was all five bridesmaids and Orlando's fans were the wedding dresses.

Then he shoehorns a pop culture reference in to remind everyone he is incapable of simply stating what he means, rather he has to compare Item X to Item Y in order to show his audience what Item X means. If Bill were a painter, he would paint a picture and then paint another picture in order to show what the first painting was supposed to show or mean.

In April, after the Lakers win 65 games and everyone is getting psyched for a Heat-Lakers Finals, nobody will care that Howard acted like such a big baby. We'll be busy with crap like ranking him against the other great Lakers centers of all time. That's just how sports works.

Don't do this "we" shit. I'll always remember Howard acted like a baby. Of all people, Bill Simmons won't EVER forget how Howard ended up with Lakers. He'll be talking about it in his columns for the next decade at a very minimum. Bill makes "6 for 24" jokes in his columns about Kobe Bryant and the Celtics lost that NBA Finals over two years ago. So for Bill to say "we" will forget about Howards pre-Lakers antics is not only wrong, but Bill is probably the person who will be the one doing the reminding.

I hate it when Bill uses this "we" shit. He acts like he's the Sports Guy, when we all know he isn't the Sports Guy. He isn't my buddy who talks about sports like me and is just like me. He's a wealthy, pop-culture spewing, self-involved fan of Boston sports who managed to get a job with ESPN and has done very well for himself. He isn't like me and my friends. He's like me and my friends if I hated my friends and their professional success caused them to become know-it-all jerks who name-drop anyone slightly famous they know.

WINNER: Steve Nash Went from playing with 11 bench guys on a lottery team to playing with Dwight Howard, Pau Gasol and Kobe Bryant on a title favorite. Remember SNL's "Orgasm Guy" sketches with Rob Schneider? I think that was Steve Nash this morning when he woke up and found out about this trade.

Remember that SNL skit about Debbie Downer? It's not at all related to what I am saying, but let's pretend it is for the sake of my pop culture reference.

Important note: Most human beings move to Los Angeles for what they assume will be a short period of time, feel like they're on vacation for a few months … and eventually, they come to grips with the fact that they're probably never leaving because it's 75 degrees every day and there are 10,000 things to do in Los Angeles.

It is an "important note" for Bill to remind us he loves where he lives. This is absolutely crucial to this trade. Because Dwight Howard can't afford a house in pretty much any city in the entire United States he wants to live in. So if he hated Los Angeles he would forced to live there and build a house, and only one house, in that city and in no other city. It's very important we know that everything Bill sees and does is great.

I am one of those people. Apparently, so is Dwight Howard.

The conclusion I immediately drew upon hearing this trade occurred was that Los Angeles must be a great place to live. I didn't think that Howard wanted to play with Nash and Kobe. Nor did I think Howard accepted the trade because the Lakers weren't giving up Gasol in the trade. No, I just thought of how great Los Angeles is and that must be why Howard agreed to play for the Lakers.

We'll never know this for sure, but I don't think he would have pushed for a Los Angeles trade if he hadn't lived there this summer. There has to be a connection.

No, there doesn't have to be a connection. These two events can be completely unrelated. The Lakers are one of 30 NBA teams and they have Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash and Pau Gasol on that team. Maybe Howard wanted to play there because he liked the Lakers team and the idea of playing for the Lakers franchise. I'm sure it was the city of Los Angeles which is the only reason Howard agreed to the trade. Howard hated the idea of playing with three All-Star players until he saw how awesome Rodeo Drive truly was.

Had I been running the Magic, there would have been a zero percent chance — repeat: zero percent chance — that I was trading Howard unless I was getting Bynum back AND dumping Turkoglu's contract.

Bill Simmons not-so-covertly applies for the job as Orlando Magic GM. If Bill was running the Magic no other NBA owner or GM would talk to him because he would constantly talk up trades and say shit like, "Who says 'no' to that offer?"

What Bill also fails to see, and I'm not defending the Magic here, is they didn't have a ton of options. Howard was unhappy and eventually he was going to have all the leverage. He could leave and the Magic would get nothing for him after the 12-13 season or he would be a distraction the entire year until he finally got traded during the season. I do think the Magic could have gotten more for him than they did, but once the summer ends and the Magic lose more leverage when Howard's free agency gets closer, I don't know if they could have gotten Bynum and dumped Turkoglu's contract.

Without those two things, I'm just keeping Howard, letting the soap opera drag on and on for a few more months, then hoping I could do better in February.

Yeah, "hoping" you could do better. There's a plan that screams "I am incredibly competent at my job."

And guess what? I'm pretty sure that, six months from now, Philly, Denver and the Lakers would all still want to do a four-team trade in which all of them made out great and the Magic made out like crap.

Would they? Bill has no way of knowing this. He is making assumptions only to help prove the point he wants to make. Maybe the Lakers don't want to trade Bynum in February. Maybe Bynum gets hurt this season and the Magic don't want to trade for him. Quite a few of Bill's brilliant ideas rely on assumptions, which he will only hope come true.

WINNER: Kendrick Perkins Remember when everyone was saying, "A year from now, OKC will just amnesty Perkins so they can pay Ibaka and Harden?" Not so fast! Getting rid of Howard's Personal Kryptonite when Howard is suddenly playing for your biggest conference rival isn't the best career move. (And you thought Miami's shift to small ball had rendered the Perkins Era obsolete … )

No! You thought the shift to small ball had rendered the Perkins Era obsolete. Your readers don't automatically believe every fucking thing you type. They don't believe the Ewing Theory is true, they don't believe you are qualified to be an NBA GM, they don't believe your daughter is truly magical and they don't believe there was a shift to small-ball in the NBA. Those are things that Bill Simmons believes, not his readers. I have been saying Bill's insistence that the NBA was moving to small-ball is bullshit and I am sure plenty of other people have thought the same thing. Bill Simmons thought the Perkins Era was obsolete, his readers just laughed at him.

(Except for the SimmonsClones though. Bill can do no wrong in their eyes. They are probably throwing their arms back and saying, "I certainly did think the Perkins Era was over. Boy, I'm stupid. I'm glad Bill is around to correct my own misconceptions.")

LOSER: The Rockets After getting demolished by The Veto, they spent the last nine months gathering enough assets to land Howard or Bynum and hoping for a situation exactly like the one that played out this week: you know, Orlando finally panicking and needing a third team for their mega-trade. What happened? Philly and Denver snuck in there, leaving Houston GM Daryl Morey with the permanent McKayla's Not Impressed Face.

So let's kill Daryl Morey for believing that Howard is going to go to Houston over Los Angeles or New York. Let's do it. Because quite frankly if the Suns sold all of their assets to get Bynum or Howard, Bill would be pointing out no one wants to play in Phoenix when they can play in a sexier NBA city. So Bill will kill Morey for thinking Howard wanted to play in Houston, right? I mean, Houston wasn't even Howard's first choice in the state of Texas. That was Dallas. Bill has to kill Daryl Morey for believing Howard wanted to play for the Rockets.

So, can you kill Morey for how it played out? Not for going all-in for a chance at Bynum or Howard, that's for sure.

We can't forget that Daryl Morey is Bill Simmons' friend. Friends of Bill get a pass and receive no criticism from Bill. Of course when the Indiana Pacers clear cap room in seven years to get a shot at signing Anthony Davis, Bill is going to be mocking them for actually believing Davis will play in Indiana over another sexier city. So yes, you can kill Daryl Morey. It is somewhat justified.

He wanted to be on the board if those two chess pieces ever moved … and by the way, they moved. He just didn't get them. But if you wanted to kill the Rockets for (a) turning Goran Dragic into Jeremy Lin, (b) recklessly amnestying Luis Scola when they didn't have to do so, and (c) caring so much about cap space that they amnestied Scola during the same month that they shelled out $25 million to Omer Asik … I mean … (let's just move on).

Even when Bill knocks the Rockets for their offseason moves, he does so passive-aggressively. Howard wasn't coming to the Rockets, and mostly Howard wasn't re-signing with the Rockets, as long as the Nets or Lakers were in play. Bill needs to be real about this. Andrew Bynum? Maybe, but I don't know if Andrew Bynum is the type of player a team should clear all cap space in order to acquire. He's talented, but there are a lot of "buts" that go along with him.

Fear No. 2: They're building around two of the league's moodiest and most enigmatic players (Bynum and Turner). That one worries me. You can get away with one enigma (see: Rondo, Rajon), but if you have two, suddenly there's a risk that they'll be hanging out and enabling each other's moodiness OR trying to out-enigma each other.

So does this mean the Lakers could be in trouble because they are building around Howard and Kobe, with a little side of Ron Artest thrown in? Of course not! Bill's theories only apply when he wants or needs them to apply.

The Laker fans love their team, but they also live near the Pacific Ocean in a place that's 75 degrees every day. Tends to keep everything in perspective.

Again, Bill wants to emphasize that Los Angeles is a great place to live. He can not overstate or talk about this enough.

The two craziest, most overreactionary, life-or-death sports cities in America are probably Philly and Boston — because of their cold weather, because of their provincialism, because of their respective tortured histories,

I'd love to hear about this tortured history of Boston teams again. Five Super Bowls since 2001 for the Patriots, 17 championships for the Celtics, two World Series wins in the last decade for the Red Sox...just based solely on the Bruins and the Celtics alone Boston fans haven't ever been tortured, no matter how much Bill continues to further this false narrative. The Bruins were successful for a good period of time and the Celtics have more championships than any other NBA team. How can Bill say Boston is tortured with a straight face?

LOSERS: Miami, Oklahoma City So much for the small-ball era. This is going to be verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry interesting.

There never was a small-ball era. Bill Simmons made this era up and now he is pretending like there was an era where small ball was played, rather than there being one NBA Finals where small-ball was played one time between two NBA teams.

TO BE DETERMINED: Kobe Bryant Guess who has a chance to pass MJ's six rings now?

Guess who suddenly has a legitimate chance to go down as the best Laker ever?

Guess who basically won the lottery by ending up with Shaq and Howard in the same career?

You are supposed to not give the answer until after you ask the questions, not tell the answer and then ask the questions after you have identified who the answer to the questions are.

The Lakers nailed six franchise-altering moves over the past eight years, and that's not including last month's Nash trade, when they somehow convinced a Pacific Division rival that absolutely hates them to hand over their most iconic player for some meaningless picks and cap space.

Here are the franchise-altering moves. Really it can be summed up in four moves, but Bill makes the last move not to trade Bynum or Gasol into it's very own moves in order to convince us he has a really, really good point.

Picking Kobe over Shaq in 2004.

Kobe was the best player in the NBA at the time. This wasn't the most difficult of decisions, even at the time. Kobe was younger too.

Keeping Kobe in 2007 when just about everyone else would have panic-traded him.

Again, you don't just trade one of the best players in the NBA simply because he doesn't like the makeup of the team.

Stealing Gasol from Memphis in 2008.

As opposed to the fair deal the Sonics got for Ray Allen of course.

Making a 2011 deal for Chris Paul that, in retrospect, would have been a hijacking if it hadn't been vetoed. Not panicking after the CP3 trade fell through and keeping Bynum and Gasol over blowing things up. And now, waiting out this Howard saga until they got exactly the trade they wanted.

This should all be one move. The deal got vetoed so the Lakers didn't panic and got the trade they wanted.

(By the way, I think I'm just going to stay in London. I don't want to come home.

Feel free to stay there.

5 comments Bill Simmons Is Still Mailing In Retro-Diaries

I saw that Bill Simmons posted ANOTHER retro-diary a few days ago and knew I had to post something about it. This retro-diary further made me suspicious that he was leaving ESPN when his contract ran out this year and he was just mailing in columns at this point. Apparently that's not true. So I guess Bill is just tired of writing good columns and feels like rehashing his Twitter jokes and using hindsight to do a live blog after a basketball game was played. Is there a more pointless exercise than to live blog a game that has already happened? No, there is not. It is basically openly saying, "I know I am clever and I compel you to listen to me make jokes about a game we already know the outcome to. I am pretty damn clever aren't I?"

Check out Bill's archive. There are a lot of retro-diaries and accounts of games that have already happened in there. I feel like Bill is having a real shortage of ideas for the 1-2 columns per week he writes. A couple retro-diaries are no big deal, but it is becoming a habit for him. I guess he knows his SimmonsClones will eat up anything he writes, so why think of a great original idea when you can just do a retro-diary and they will idolize you just the same?

I missed the second half of Tuesday's Magic-Celtics game because I had to attend a dinner event for my daughter's school.

This was the first sentence to this "column." For a guy who loves privacy and tries to keep his family life as secretive as possible, Bill sure does talk about his wife and two kids a hell of a lot in his columns. Someone is going to pull a KSK on Simmons one day and he is going to get really pissed off about it. If you are a public figure and want people to leave your family alone, don't mention said family in nearly every single column, because it draws a certain amount of interest to your family. It's a pretty simple principle.

Anyway, Bill goes on and tells a story for about a 1/10 of this retro-diary about his family and this isn't the first time lately he has done this. It's already bad enough that Bill's wife is a trending topic at times on Google because SimmonsClones are desperately doing an internet search on her name to get a picture for God knows what purposes. One of the biggest things about Bill that has annoyed me over the last 4-5 years is him putting his family in his columns repeatedly, yet I also know he tries to keep his family life and private. It doesn't work both ways and I am afraid one day he will figure it out in a way he won't like.

There are two choices for such a conundrum:

1. Ignore your Blackberry completely, fight off following any road that might lead you to finding out the score, avoid any televisions, avoid anyone else who's looking at a Blackberry. Sounds great on paper. Never actually works. There's always someone who screws it up.

2. Ignore your Blackberry as much as you can, furtively check it every few minutes, and whenever your wife catches you, explain, "I just wanted to make sure the babysitter didn't text us." This definitely doesn't work, and if anything, it might make your wife angry.

Actually, there are three choices. The third choice is give your phone to your wife or have your wife bring her phone and leave yours at home. Or don't have a Blackberry with Internet on it. Or don't call your cell phone by it's brand name just to let everyone know you have a Blackberry.

But here's where it's good to be me. See, I write about sports for a living.

In such a disconnected, "yeah, sort of" way does Bill Simmons write about sports. Mostly he writes about Boston-area teams and other events that may affect a Boston-area team.

Still, you can't milk it. You have to pick your spots. Which is why I love my son (aka the CEO) for what happened Tuesday night.

Yes, this is an inside joke from a different column when Bill was talking about his son and had given him a nickname. There are now inside jokes involved with Bill's family that he throws into his columns. This is a lot of family talk and I can't imagine even the SimmonsClones enjoy it too much.

You may ask, "but why does Bill call his son the CEO?"

I will tell you. Because his son wakes up early in the morning and then begins demanding things Bill and his wife have to give him because he is young and thinks he is in charge...because he IS in charge! Bill's son is the ONLY child under the age of 3 years old that does this. Most other young children sleep soundly in their bed until 9:30am, wake up and go for a light jog, and then sit down and watch some "Dr. Phil." Not Bill's son. He is the CEO! He wakes up and immediately wants to be fed (the outrage!), THEN his son demands a certain television program and they have to give it to him or he will throw a fit. Yes, Bill's child throws a fit! Who could ever see this happening when a 2-3 year old doesn't get what he/she wants? Thereby, Bill's child is known as the CEO.

I'm going to skip the story from this retro-diary that no one but Bill and his immediate family care about, but I will spoil the ending. His son has the flu and threw up everywhere so Bill got to check his Blackberry more often as if he was checking to see if the babysitter texted him. If only the Sports Gal was literate and could read this column. BILL WOULD BE SO BUSTED!

(Here at BotB, I don't take shots at sportswriter's families, but constantly talking about your family makes it hard for me to stick to this principle)

So just for the hell of it, let's retro-diary the second half -- the night that Orlando's season fell apart and we inched significantly closer to Celtics-Lakers XI: This Time It's For Blood.

Which as we know is the only NBA Finals anyone in America gives a shit about. Are there even other NBA teams?

10:20 remaining, third quarter (tied at 55): Missed three by Vince Carter, long rebound to Paul Pierce ... and Dwight Howard stupidly swipes at the ball for his fourth foul. We're about 25 more of those away from Stan Van Gundy just keeling over like Tommy Boy's dad during the wedding dance scene.

Pop culture reference!

Do you know why Orlando can't beat the Celtics? It's because they built their team improperly, at least in my mind. They traded for a small forward who doesn't want to drive to the basket, even though he should, a center that is too busy blocking shots out of bounds (and giving the opposing team another possession) and looking at his muscles to focus on the fact he has a limited offensive game, and they have a bunch of three-point shooters who can't create their own shot very well.

It's a flawed team and while the Magic can still beat the Celtics, they lack one or two guys on that team who can get the tough rebound or aren't afraid to take a big shot. Vince Carter doesn't want to take a big shot (he takes it, but you know he doesn't want to) and the Magic don't even try to get Dwight Howard the ball often times late in games.

Now? The forwards are a wash; Wallace gives Boston 12 fouls to use on Howard instead of six;

Everyone remember Bill's column a few months ago about Wallace that was well-thought out, but also the ramblings of a homer who is bitter towards his team? Yeah, forget that, Wallace is just fine now. Bill takes some half-hearted shots at Wallace, but they are cool now.

and Rondo has evolved into one of the 10 best players in the league.

I personally love Rondo, but he isn't one of the 10 best players in the league. No fucking way.

LeBron James
Kobe Bryant
Kevin Durant
Chris Paul (sorry, he doesn't lose the spot just because he is injured)
Carmelo Anthony
Dwayne Wade
Dirk Nowitzki
Brandon Roy
Steve Nash
Deron Williams

Rondo is a great fit for these Celtics, but he doesn't have a great jump shot and still makes too many careless passes for me.

8:22: Rondo (17 points, five assists so far) pulls off what can only be called "The Rondo" (drive into the lane, flip your right hand out like you're passing, cup the ball, keep it, make a running layup). Let the record show that Deron Williams kept the "Best Point Guard Alive" belt for about as long as the Iron Sheik kept the WWF title between Bob Backlund and Hulk Hogan. In a choose-up game, you're taking any other point guard before Rondo right now?

I would absolutely take Chris Paul over Rondo. Rondo is a great player, but until we throw 3 Hall of Fame players on the same team as Chris Paul it isn't a fair comparison. Yes, I know the "
Big 3" for Boston aren't Hall of Fame players right now, but they aren't playing terribly either.

Rondo starts beside Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Kendrick Perkins.

Chris Paul started beside Emeka Okafor, Julian Wright, David West, and Morris Peterson to start this year.

7:15: After Garnett's jumper puts Boston up by five, Vince Carter (12 points, 3-for-10 shooting so far) explicably collapses while running down the floor. (I say explicably because it's always explicable when Vince Carter decides to fall down in a heap. It's not like anyone would ever say, "My God, what just happened! Vince Carter fell down!")

One of my best friends loves Vince Carter and I don't. It used to get somewhat heated when he discussed Carter, but we don't talk about it anymore. Let's say Vince Carter can be a dividing issue in the Carolinas. Vince Carter is a disappointment and he always will be to me. He loves the fade-away jumper and he isn't tough enough for my liking.

Quick Vince Carter story: Everyone remembers Game 7 of the 2001 series when Carter was playing for the Raptors against the 76ers. I would assume most people remember this. Carter graduated from college that day and he went to his graduation, setting about a flurry of people who criticized him for this. Carter says he graduated and then immediately caught a plane to Philadelphia to get ready for the game. I went to law school for one year and there were multiple people who were in the same graduation class as Carter at UNC and three of them had pictures of themselves after graduation with Carter smiling and having a good time after graduation. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, except this was after graduation when Carter should have been on his way to Philadelphia. That's just three people I know who had pictures taken with him and I don't know that many people. I don't think he jumped on that plane quite as quickly as he claims.

5:59: Down six, Vince heroically returns to the game (Mike Breen: "Sigh of relief from the Magic fans") while of course massaging his left wrist to remind everyone that, "Hey, if I suck for the rest of this game, just remember, I'm hurt." This is why he's Vince Carter.

After Carter missed those two free throws at the end of the game, he went and punched a chair and then looked at his hand briefly as if to say, "why didn't you clutch your hand while you were shooting those foul shots to give yourself an excuse? Remember that for next time."

Ok, no more Carter bashing I promise. Why doesn't he drive to the basket as much as he should though? Why do I try to have an open mind about him and he just proves consistently I shouldn't? If I could answer these questions I might lay off him.

(Note: This is why ESPN could never make me the third announcer of a three-man NBA booth,

That and the fact Bill's voice would drive away viewers, as well as his mere presence in the booth would cause me to rupture an artery.

we now know the blueprint for beating the 2009-10 Magic: defend Howard one-on-one (and use your fouls on him), stay home on the 3-point shooters and dare their perimeter guys to beat people off the dribble.

Otherwise known as, "the formula for beating nearly every single Duke University men's basketball team since the year 2000."

3:15: Jameer Nelson sinks a 3-pointer (Orlando's first field goal in six-plus minutes) to cut it to seven. Doc Rivers quickly calls a preemptive timeout before the crowd gets going. Smart.

This is one of my problems with this stupid retro-diary. The Magic had hit one field goal in the last six minutes, what are the odds this means they will get red-hot at this point? Is this really worth taking a timeout? Probably not. Normally calling a timeout here would seem a bit of a panic move by Rivers and if the Celtics were one timeout short at the end of the game, we would remember this useless timeout call...but the Celtics won the game and it doesn't matter, so in this retro-diary it goes down as a smart move.

3:15: Joke I would have made if I were writing this diary in real time: "Could somebody go to Google Maps and print out directions to the Eastern Conference finals for Rashard Lewis?"

Joke Bill Simmons made on Twitter:

Could somebody go to Mapquest and print out directions to the Eastern Conference Finals for Rashard Lewis?
1:23 AM May 19th via UberTwitter

Booooooooooo!!!!!! Exact repeat jokes stink.

I'd like to thank Stan Van Gundy for avoiding his best lineup for this particular series: Nelson, J.J. Redick (who does a nice job following Ray Allen through screens), Lewis (whose length would bother Pierce defensively), Gortat and Howard (for a little Twin Towers action).

We all know I hate agreeing with Bill Simmons, but he is exactly right about this. This lineup could compete best with the Celtics lineup. People thought I was crazy when I said J.J. Redick would actually be a decent NBA player because he plays defense and can shoot. It took a few more years than I expected, but we're at that point.

For a third Duke reference in this post, I feel the same way about Jon Scheyer. He'll never start for a team, but he is crafty driving to the basket and can play defense better than you would think.

(Note to Lewis: It's only going to get worse when the series shifts back to Boston. Let's just say your 10-game suspension may inspire a tweet or two at twitter.com/celticschants this weekend.)

I am torn on what to think about Bill's CelticsChants Twitter account he set up. While it is a creative idea (even though it has been done before, just not on Twitter), it seems more like a chance to massage Bill's ego and let him hear the crowd at a Celtics game chant things he has created. It just feels like one big ego trip to me, but I honestly do like the idea.

1:02: Spinning, herky-jerky, foul-line jumper from Pierce (26 points so far). Too easy. Celtics by nine. Lewis answers with a 3. Big Baby answers by finishing a pretty pass by Pierce. Howard (23 points so far) hits two free throws. Rondo hits an end-of-the-quarter jumper. End of the third: Boston 78, Orlando 70.

How the hell is this enjoyable for anyone to read? It's like watching a game narrated on tape. Is it fun to read an account of a game AFTER the game has been played? I say "no." God, I hate retro-diaries, they serve no purpose other than to give a columnist out of ideas something to write about.

Isn't it interesting that this year's happy-go-lucky playoff teams -- Cleveland and Orlando, both known for having fun in pregame warm-ups, organizing funky dances and laughing/strutting with big leads -- suddenly got that collective deer-in-the-headlights look as soon as someone punched them in the collective mouth?

Remember Bill talking about the 2008 Celtics and how much they liked each other and how they were having fun? Ubuntu and all that crap? It's funny how Bill changes his opinion on whether a team is a better team based on whether that team is successful or not. Maybe they didn't pose for fake pictures or anything, but for his Celtics, having fun on the court was a sign the team was cohesive and enjoyed playing with each other. For other teams who aren't successful, this is a sign the team isn't taking the game seriously enough.

Look, I love chemistry as much as the next guy, but if we've learned anything this spring, it's that the "look how much fun we're having!" routine doesn't fly in May and June. At some point, you have to suck it up, stay focused, bang bodies and make plays.

It also helps when that team is successful to be able to judge that team one way or another. No matter the chemistry, a team has to prove it on the court at some point. LeBron James is usually the ringleader of what the Cavs do and he tends to show up in the playoffs, so it may actually be a question of how good his teammates around him are overall.

A few seconds later, there's a TV timeout and we see Pierce and Rondo walking toward the bench ... with Pierce's arm draped around Rondo's shoulder like a big brother. That's been the biggest change this season. It took the veterans six solid months to accept that (A) this was now Rondo's team, and (B) they were along for the ride.

I would say that Paul Pierce singlehandedly gave the Celtics the lead in Game 2 and I won't give Rondo too much respect as one of the best players in the NBA until I see a defender guard him when he is 17 feet away from the basket. His jumper has improved, but it is still in a work-in-progress. Rondo is a great player, but I still believe Garnett, Allen, and Pierce aren't just along for the ride.

Pierce, Allen and Garnett can't bring it every night. The Celtics can always get a big game from one of them, and if they get two of them going, they're unstoppable. But Rondo is the constant. It's his team now. If you want to go deeper, one reason they struggle down the stretch is because Rondo (a poor free throw shooter) doesn't want to get fouled, so he plays the last four minutes a little differently than the first 44.

Whatever, I would like to see how good Rondo would be as the best player on a team. I don't know how that would go. My guess is not very well. Bill's the expert though right?

That was fast. By the way, where did this Orlando crowd come from? There are 16,000 people at this game? Since when???

No fan base cheers as loudly as the Celtics fan base does. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

3:36: Text from my dad during this timeout: "Magic up by 1 -- bad last 3 minutes again." I'm just proud that my 62-year-old father can text me with crucial updates during basketball games.

I'm just glad we got an update on what Bill's dad thinks. My life is now complete. (Bengoodfella dies)

3:07: After a Celtics miss (good D by Orlando), the Magic clear out for Vince, who goes left, thinks about going to the rim, decides against it and settles for an awful fadeaway 10-footer.

TVC= Typical Vince Carter

(This goes back to the whole, "If you knock down Vince a few times, he'll stop going to the rim and settle for jumpers" argument that I've been making all playoffs.

Right. Bill Simmons has been making this argument and quite possibly believes he originated this argument. Let me be the 1,000th person to say this has been a stigma on Vince Carter since he got to the NBA and possibly follows him back to college as well. Bill Simmons did not create this argument as much as he might believe he did. If Carter had a killer instinct and didn't enjoy his jump shot as much as he does, I really believe he is a Top 50 all-time NBA player. It won't happen. Either way, Bill Simmons didn't create this knock on Carter.

Down three, season effectively on the line, less than two minutes remaining ... where do they go? Last year, they would have run a high screen with Hedo and Howard.

Here's a clue...not to Dwight Howard. That's where the ball doesn't go.

I just have a hard time believing Howard is a Top 10 NBA player when the players who get the shot in crunch time for the Magic during his tenure are Hedo Turokglu, Jameer Nelson, Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter. They are great players, but if Howard is that great of a player he wants and demands the ball at this point in the game to get on the foul line or make a basket...but he is ultimately content to just sit back.

Now, look at the 2010 Magic. We'll give them a pass on Game 1 -- rusty, lethargic, it happens. But Game 2? Howard didn't touch the ball in the final four minutes.

Dwight Howard and his defenders here don't seem to have too much ammunition. Does Tim Duncan go 4 minutes in a close game without touching the ball and did Shaq have this lack of touches down the stretch of a game happen to him? Even for better or worse, Patrick Ewing touched the ball down the stretch of a game for the Knicks. Howard just isn't a Top 10 player in my mind and I even question sometimes if he is a Top 20 player.

The Celtics showed up for the 2010 Eastern Conference finals on Sunday afternoon. We're still waiting for the Magic.

I hate retro-diaries. They are simply accounts of a game that has already been played with a few jokes thrown in to break up the monotony of it all.

I still say Rondo isn't one of the Top 10 players in the NBA right now.

10 comments Bill Simmons Retro-Diaries It

Bill Simmons has posted a retro-diary for the fourth quarter, and only the fourth quarter, of Game 2 of the NBA Finals last night. I don't know why, but this just feels lazy to me. The point of a running diary or chat during a game is that a person gets his feelings about the game out right then. He/She makes comments about the game based on the flow of the game. It's not supposed to be a bunch of predictions, but it's supposed to simulate watching the game with a friend. I feel like watching the tape of a game and then going back and making comments about it is pretty lazy. I don't know why.

You have the benefit of writing the diary after everything has happened during the game, so the person writing it will be able to look a lot smarter than they actually are...which is usually Bill Simmons' purpose anyway. It's why he jumps on the Anthony Randolph and Shannon Brown bandwagons AFTER they have broken out and why he only chooses top recruits in college basketball to "inform" everyone about. You also have the benefit of hindsight in an After the Fact diary, you know the outcome of the game so you can shade your comments in that direction to make it seem more insightful, and it just turns out to be less of a column idea and more of a way to crack jokes and show how smart/funny you are. Of course, Bill loves all of these things about the retro-diary/After the Fact diary.

Anyway, here is Simmons' retro-diary.

At halftime of Game 2 of the 2009 NBA Finals on Sunday night, I wrote the following Tweet: "Look out 2007 Finals -- your 'most unwatchable NBA Finals ever' title is officially in jeopardy!"

This is a bit premature considering at the absolute maximum less than half of the series has been played...and oh yes, this turned out to be WRONG. Look for Bill to make zero more predictions on his Twitter account from now on. He hates being wrong and will do anything in his power to prevent this from happening again.

Little did I know things would pick up in a memorable fourth quarter and overtime.

Bill wasn't wrong about this statement, he just did not have enough information...like the ending of the ball game. So when I said Mark Sanchez wasn't going to be a great NFL player, don't hold me to it. Little did I know he would be good...I just needed him to retire before I could make a better prediction.

Let's join ABC's broadcast of Game 2 with Orlando leading the Lakers 65-63 entering the fourth at the House That Jack Built.

I know the game was boring for the first half, but I also don't really enjoy picking it up in the fourth quarter in a retro-diary. It feels even double lazy to me for a column idea.

By the way, was there anything more predictable than Stan Van Gundy playing Jameer too much in Games 1 and 2 and Rafer Alston immediately falling apart like the girl in "Drag Me To Hell"?

Ok, this will be my one non-critical comment. This was a relevant pop culture reference. We also would have accepted any comment discussing the current downward trend of Will Farrell's movie career...at one point he was funny and creative, but then we realized he was just doing the same thing over and over again. When he tried to do something different like write for a Jimmy Ki---I mean do dramatic movies, it was shown that he was a much better in comedy (though I liked him in Stranger Than Fiction), and then when he went back to writing weekly colu---I mean comedy, many people realized he was recycling his old pop cultu---I mean movie characters but calling it different things. I think Will Farrell should stick to podca---I mean short skits on Funnyordie.com. Anyway, Bill Sim---I mean Will Farrell used to make some really funny movies.

11:41: Nelson bricks both freebies, followed by a great "What the eff was that?" face from Hedo Turkoglu. Hedo might have the best "What the eff was that?" face in sports right now.

(Peter King makes a cameo) "I would also like to use this space to congratulate Bill Simmons on ten years of 'face' jokes in his columns. I never thought you would make it this long but you keep rearranging that joke. Bill never fails to crack me up with his jokes."

That reminds me: If you ever want to fluster a Lakers fan, make fun of Bynum's $64 million extension signed in November and ask them if they wish they had a mulligan on that one. You will hear more stammering than you heard for two hours in "Sling Blade."

Ok, there we go. That's more like it. Bill's pop culture references are older than the primary and supporting cast of "Cocoon."

9:49: Six straight points for Lamar Odom. I'm not sure if the Lakers are the best team of 2008-09, but when Odom shows up, they are.

Yeah, I am not sure if the Lakers are the best team of 2008-2009 either, but considering they are in the NBA Finals and are two wins away from winning the NBA Title, I am going to say they are at least in the top 2 of teams in the NBA right now.

If you have ever noticed, Bill is not sure the Lakers are the best team in basketball. This is a comment frequently said by a person when that person had his team who he/she believed was superior get beaten before "they were supposed to be." You will never hear this when that person's favorite team wins a championship though. You will never hear the 2004 or 2007 Red Sox weren't the best team nor will you hear him say anything similar about the 2008 Celtics. Despite however many close calls those teams had in the playoffs or how their rivals underachieved, you will not find Bill saying anything that they were not the best team. This will only be stated when said person's favorite team gets eliminated sooner than "they should have been." Just thought I would point this little fact about Bill out.

8:59: With the Lakers up three, Kobe dribbles to the free-throw line, draws two guys, bails from a jumper at the last second because it might get blocked and passes to Shannon Brown in the corner, only Brown had already started running to the basket for the rebound, leading to the ball bouncing out of bounds ... and of course, Kobe lays into Brown as we head into a TV timeout. "Don't point the finger, Kobe," Jeff Van Gundy says. "That one's on you, buddy."

I remember this play and I remember Kobe acting as if he was pissed Brown dared to try to help them and get an offensive rebound, rather than wait uselessly on the wing when the obvious Kobe Bryant mid-air pass would come (Kobe passes when he is in the lane 0.5% of the time, what was Brown thinking?) to him. This is why I could never be an athlete. The second Bryant started motioning for me to stay in the corner, I would tell him to shove it up his ass and quit throwing the ball out of bounds. I would then ask how many points he thinks I could score if I took 25 shots per game. I would make it a week...maybe.

8:48: Fifth foul on Bynum, followed by JVG saying, "I'm not sure that's a good thing for Orlando." Sixty-four million, everybody! (Could I be a more bitter Celtics fan who can't stop thinking about how a healthy Celtics team should have gone back to back? No. I couldn't. It has ruined my summer.

Yeah, I know the Celtics coulda, woulda, shoulda repeated repeated IF everyone had stayed healthy, IF the team had not been tired from all that basketball playing over the past year, IF the Cavs had the same piss poor performance against the Celtics they had against the Magic...

You get my point. I am not saying the Celtics would have not won the NBA Title, I am saying shut the hell up about it and get over it. Injuries happen, shit happens. Sports are not life. If this really ruins your entire summer, you need a fucking reality check.

6:13: Lewis nails a 3, Orlando up by two, timeout, L.A.. That's 27 for Lewis! "The NBA ... where finding new and improved ways to make Seattle fans hate themselves happens."

Come on Seattle fans shouldn't feel bad about this. No one thought Lewis was worth that money. They would have been crazy to try and match that. In fact, I still don't believe Lewis is worth that type of money and have a feeling the Magic will be trying to trade him before the end of the contract to get him off their payroll.

Here's my question: Are NBA players in denial when they commit fouls, or did they make a secret pact to complain after every foul and anyone who doesn't will be made an outcast by the other players? I know the refs are bad, but holy crap -- when's the last non-Brian Scalabrine time you saw someone commit a foul in an NBA game and then admit that he did it?

An actual good point that was also brought up earlier by a commenter here, AJ I think. If the players would quit whining after every single foul maybe the game would move a little bit faster and refs would not seem to take such pleasure in calling fouls.

4:13: Bailout call for Howard on an ugly low-post move, followed by one of my favorite faces: The Pau Gasol Frozen "No Me Lo Creo El Official" Face

Right now, I have the "I am really tired of 'Face' jokes in a Bill Simmons column" Face. Trust me, it's classic and would be put in a Pantheon of Faces if I was pathetic enough to try and have others build up a Wikipedia page about me and wanted to make it larger by adding different theories and "Faces." This face would go on that page.

Speaking of Wikipedia, is this the best page we can do for FJMorgan? I don't believe it is. Why does Simmons have a 25 page entry while FJMorgan has like four paragraphs? This isn't right. We honor so much stupid shit in this country, but we can't get a longer Wikipedia page for these guys? I'm calling bullshit on this...though they probably quit at a good time, they were beyond great in their time.

3:34: Missed Fisher 3-pointer, awful Howard pass (stolen by L.A.), total bailout call for Kobe after he had no place to go and threw up an off-balance jumper that Howard stuffed (foul on Pietrus even though he never touched Kobe).

Here's the key to getting a foul call in the NBA. Look like you got fouled and have a uniform that sells millions of units. I have come to the conclusion that is all you need...and yes I said I wasn't talking about officiating anymore, but this was a bad, bad call.

Of course Bill takes it to the extreme and tallies up how many calls Orlando gets screwed on. I did not tape/DVR the game and then do a lazy retro-diary about it, so I guess I don't know because I don't have the benefit of hindsight, but his count seems a bit high. He ends up with 10 bad calls for the Lakers and 1 for the Magic.

2:42: I wish I could buy stock in things like, "A 'Wipeout' contestant will sue ABC for $100 million after getting seriously injured."

I wish I could buy stock in things like, "Bill Simmons will put an early 80's movie reference in his column for 10 years and then bitch that the John Mellencamp song 'Our Country' is still playing in commercials two years after it originally aired."

6:13: From the East Coast to the West Coast ... This is Ourrrrrrrr country. Did Chevy sign a seven-year deal with Mellencamp to annoy America or something?

If an old song is used in a commercial then that is waaaaaay to long for Bill, but he can continue to make jokes about "Faces" and make the same pop culture references for years and that's just being edgy.

He's like Uncle Jesse on "Full House." At first you think he is edgy and pretty cool. You like his leather jackets and if you need advice about an adult problem, you go to him. He has interesting catch phrases, but then you eventually realize he is very, very lame and the next thing you know he is living in the attic with his children and wife. Things went downhill quickly for Uncle Jesse. I just hope it doesn't go the same way for Bill.

(These are usually the type of things I edit out, but not this week.)

1:53: Kobe misses a runner, Lewis grabs the rebound and gets bumped from behind by Odom so hard that he takes three steps. No call.

Because I am the poster child for neutrality, I have to say he is right about this as well. I thought Lewis' left leg had broken in half when he was coming down or he was levitating, when in fact Odom was taking him on a magic carpet ride out of bounds using his body.

We should mention that Ty Lue (inactive) is dressed like an eighth-grade prep schooler on photo day. Fantastic.

I laughed at this because he WAS dressed that way. Of course, Bill should know since he did go to a prep school when he was in 8th grade. You know the school in "School Ties" and "Dead Poets Society"? That was probably Bill's school.

Kobe beats Hedo off the dribble, Redick, Lewis and Howard all collapse on Kobe, Kobe ignores Odom (wide-open, left corner), Ariza (wide-open, top of key) and Fisher (wide-open, right corner) and shoots with two seconds left, anyway ... and Hedo blocks him from behind.

Sure, now Kobe doesn't want to pass to the open guy in the corner. Also, I keep thinking Bill is smart for seeing that these guys are open and then I realize he probably has his DVR on pause right now mid-Monday morning and is able to see all this because this is an After the Fact Diary.

My biggest issue with this Lakers team: Normally when teams get over the hump and win the title, everyone pitches in and there's a selflessness that manifests itself as the playoffs go along.

This is a little known fact. It is little known because it is borderline incapable of being proven. Maybe other teams that win a title are unselfish, I don't really know, but I also don't even feel like arguing about this in the comments. I just don't know how this could be proven correct.

Don't worry, Bill will semi-contradict this statement later. Never fear.

0:00: Three thoughts on Courtney Lee's now-infamous missed layup ...

He then lists only two thoughts on Courtney Lee's missed layup. Maybe his rabid Seattle fan editor should pay less attention to the teams in the Northwest and focus on better editing of Bill's articles.

That was not an easy layup and I thought it was a good call by the Magic. Anyone who is blaming Lee for missing it needs to try it out themselves. It's not a chip shot.

Will we ever figure out why Redick (a DNP for five of the six Cleveland games) played 27 minutes in Game 2 and Courtney Lee (a key factor in the Cleveland series) played 12?

My guess was that when Van Gundy played with no point guard on the floor he wanted more shooters for when Howard got delayed double teamed down low...that's my guess. I don't know how Lee is handling the ball but Redick can also do a little (and I mean a little) ball handling if need be. Maybe that's the reason...or he could be betting against his team and did not want the Magic to cover, I don't know.

2:17: Monster pull-up J in traffic by Kobe over Turkoglu. Really nice. I remember watching this live and thinking, "Five point swing, no way the Magic recover." And they didn't.

Sure Bill thought this, I believe that. In no way could he have made this up just right now to make himself look smart. Wait, yes he could have because this is an After the Fact diary. He can say he thought anything and be right.

I personally thought the game was going to come down to a last second shot by the Magic at some point. Boy was I correct.

And here's where Kobe kills you: Up three, crowd going crazy, 90 seconds to go ... really, there's nobody better in the league in this spot. He barrels down the line, draws Howard over and feeds Gasol for a pretty three-point play. Well done. Now THAT is trusting your teammates.

Bill can't even do an After the Fact diary without contradicting himself. So is this Laker team the first team potential NBA Champion to not be selfless or was this Kobe turning the corner? We will probably never know.

Blame Dwight Howard for refusing to go into "I am the best young center in basketball AND I AM TAKING OVER THIS GAME!!!!" mode for two solid Finals games.

It is funny how Howard goes into Superman mode against Wallace, Smith, Big Z, and Varejao but can't seem to do it against teams that have big men who aren't complete liabilities for their team. Basically, I still haven't seen anything from Dwight Howard that tells me he is improving offensively. This was a big series for him and maybe I am being hard on him, but I feel like his numbers should be better than they are. He has hit 6 total field goals so far in the series. I realize he is getting to the foul line, but I expect more from him and I haven't seen them do a Hack-a-Shaq on him, though they are fouling him. He just has to do better, that's all I am saying.

One last thought: Congrats to the 2007 Finals for retaining the title as "The Worst Finals of the Shot-Clock Era."

Seriously, this series is only halfway over at a maximum. I think it is a little early to keep predicting that this Finals won't get worse after one game that was good. Far be it from me to keep Bill from predicting things though.

16 comments NBA Finals Preview With ESPN "Experts"

I thought about live blogging or live chatting Game 2 of the NBA Finals on Saturday night but I have no idea how to do that. A running blog that I post the next day would bore me, maybe do something so I can talk about the game that constantly updates and if anyone else wants to talk we can. I don't even know if Blogger has this capability or not. If so, please email me or put it in the comments. I've always wondered if Blogger has the capacity for a Live Chat or Live Blog. Even if I am the only one talking, I think I would have fun...and it is all about me.

Bill Simmons had a NBA Finals column up yesterday and instead of making up fake emails from normal people, he decided to make up fake emails from famous people.

I tried to do something similar when I first started writing on this here blog and I have to say Bill's fake mailbag worked marginally better than mine did...though that is not saying a whole lot. He hashes a lot of the things he thinks out in answering the questions, so I don't want to waste my time too much arguing with him, like I usually do. Feel free to mention things that pissed you off or you liked in the comments though. It's like a book club for Bill Simmons. I will start. Bill was absolutely convinced if the Celtics had Garnett they would have beat the Magic. It's very possible, but like many of Bill's proclamations, we will never know. It's not that he thinks the Celtics would have won, it was the strong language he used in the fake mailbag in saying how they would beat the Magic. I am too lazy to look it up but it was strong language and I am not as sure as he is.

The Orlando Sentinal has the most embarrassing column I have seen in a while up on their site. It is a guide for bandwagon fans so they don't feel left out when cheering for their new favorite team. Here it is and feel free to feel bad for any long time Magic fans. All two of them. I don't generally like to make fun of fan bases for not being hardcore enough, but if your local paper has to write a column on the basics of the NBA so you can cheer for the local team AND they call it jumping on the bandwagon in the article, there is something wrong.

ESPN got together many of their "experts" and had a panel to answer 10 questions about the NBA Finals. I read it and noticed I did not agree with some of the answers given and also wanted to give my non-expert answers as well. Let's see how it went when you get all these geniuses in the brain together for a grand old NBA Finals preview.

1. True or false? Rafer Alston is a better point guard right now than Derek Fisher.

Is there an option C? Why yes, there is. I think Jameer Nelson is normally better than Derek Fisher but I obviously haven't seen him play in a while, so I can't speak for how good he will be if he plays in the series. I wonder if this is a fakeout the Magic are using, much like the Celtics tried to fake out the Magic by pretending Garnett may make a surprise appearance during the series? Probably not...but assuming Nelson doesn't play, I think Alston is a better point guard right now.

J.A. Adande, ESPN.com: True.

Alston had a 26-point game versus Cleveland. I don't see Fish going off like that these days.

Yes, and we all know scoring is all that a point guard is required to do for a team. Way to measure a point guard's worth J.A., which here stands for "Jack Ass."

Ric Bucher, ESPN The Magazine: False.

"Skip" is a better spot-up shooter. Right now. Fisher is still the better decision-maker, a point guard's most important job.

Well, Bucher is using better logic than Adande but if Fisher were a good decision maker, he would have convinced Phil Jackson to trade for a better point guard than him much earlier in the year. I am kidding of course...though I do think Farmar/Brown should be getting more of Fisher's minutes than they currently have been.

2. True or false? Hedo Turkoglu is a better small forward right now than Trevor Ariza.

Maybe I undervalue Ariza, and overvalue Turkoglu but this is uber-true in my book. Ariza may do more of the small things like hit wide open three point shots and not underachieve anymore, but I think Turkoglu is playing better right now.

Adande: True.

For proof, see who gets the ball in his hands more during crunch time.

Adande again decides to use a stupid statement that proves I am not 100% sure he knows how to measure a basketball player's worth. Just because Turkoglu gets the ball in crunch time more does not necessarily mean he is a better small forward right now than Ariza. Turkoglu gets the ball because the Magic are desperately afraid to get the ball in the hands of Dwight Howard with under 4 minutes left in the game.

Hollinger: False.

He's a better fit for what the Magic do, which is why Orlando traded Ariza but made Turkoglu the go-to guy for all its pick-and-roll schemes. But Ariza has outranked Turkoglu in player efficiency rating two of the past three seasons, plays better D and is quietly shooting 50 percent on 3s in the playoffs.

Anytime I hear about player efficiency it reminds me (as always) of when Bill Simmons said any measurement that did not have the Celtics as the #1 team in the NBA needed to be redone until that result is given. He probably still feels that way, but I still think it is a funny statement...since they are not in the NBA Finals nor were they in the Eastern Conference Finals this year. (I know, they did not have Garnett...I still think it is funny and remember, I am a closeted Celtics fan, so I am not being a hater)

3. True or false? Rashard Lewis is a better power forward right now than Pau Gasol.

Well since Lewis is probably better suited as a small forward, and even as a power forward Gasol is better than Lewis, I am going to say false.

I don't like the matchup on Lewis for Gasol, but I think Gasol will have a similar matchup advantage on the other end of the court and I think Gasol has a larger advantage because I have a feeling he may attempt to play defense. The wild card? Lamar Odom of course, because he can guard Lewis fairly well. I am not even sure he is aware the NBA Finals start tonight though.

Abbott: False.

Every time Gasol gets the ball, he's efficient with it.

There you go. No explanation needed (apparently), Gasol is efficient with the ball.

4. True or false? Mickael Pietrus is a better role player right now than Lamar Odom.

No. As much as I love Pietrus' defense, his offensive game is too limited to really be a better role player than Lamar Odom, who if he wakes up in time for the game, is an incredibly valuable weapon off the bench. Odom is a better player and a better role player. Let's face it, Pietrus is not going to get those wide open three point shots against the Lakers...at least not as often as he did against the Cavs.

Sheridan: False.

Odom will play starter's minutes and spend a lot of time defending Lewis, and he has the luxury of expending most of his energy on the defensive end. Whatever points he can produce in the flow of the triangle will be gravy.

Chris Sheridan just avoided the question. At least he did not create an entirely new question like JemeHill and Scoop Jackson did when previewing the Eastern/Western Conference Finals.

5. True or false? Dwight Howard is a better player right now than Kobe Bryant.

False. Let's recap very quickly. Dwight Howard just got done abusing Anderson Varejo, Big Z, Joe Smith, and Ben Wallace, while in the Boston series he only had a slight advantage over Kendrick Perkins. Howard played well in the Cavs series but he also played against four guys he was much, much better than. He is going to have a slightly harder time in this series against Gasol and Bynum. The Magic even won a game on the road without Howard. Could the Lakers win a game in the playoffs on the road without Kobe? I doubt it. Kobe is clearly better in my book.

My big question is who gets off the bench first? Redick or Morrison? I say Redick.

Abbott: False.

But it's closer than you think.

I don't think it is close at all, so it may actually be closer than I think.

Bucher: False.

When Howard beats double-teams, makes game winners and orchestrates his team's offense, this will become a relevant question.

I don't know if this was an insult or just a really coy way of saying they play two different positions and it is hard to compare the two...which I agree with, it is hard to compare these two, but I say Kobe.

Hollinger: False.

And I would say false if you were to ask the opposite question, too.

Yeah, because that makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. One question has to be true. How hard is it to answer questions as true or false? Did John Hollinger ever attempt to take the SAT's or any other type of exam?

Truth is, they're almost perfectly equal at this point in their careers. They've played to a draw on PER during the past two seasons, and both have had huge moments in the playoffs. Howard is the more dominant defender, while Kobe is the better weapon down the stretch.

I think Kobe is not quite the player that he used to be and that he is now more of a jump shooter, but it still works well for him. I also think Howard is not quite the dominant defender one-on-one everyone thinks he is. Kendrick Perkins took it to him aggressively and that's how you play him. Gasol will do the same thing, maybe a little more passively but I still see him as being effective. Howard's is great on weak side help defense and that is why they can afford to have Lewis play PF, because Howard is there to man the middle.

Stein: False.

Howard has to do it on this stage before we believe that, unfair as it might seem after he absolutely disassembled LeBron's Cavs with never-before-seen clutch and dominance.

I really hope he means never-before-seen clutch and dominance by Dwight Howard over a team as compared to Dwight Howard, because it wasn't all-time NBA dominance by Howard compared to other dominating performances in the playoffs...at least not in my opinion.

6. True or false? Stan Van Gundy is a better coach right now than Phil Jackson.

Better coach right now? This is a tough one. I will say Van Gundy because I never thought this team would play defense well enough to be in the NBA Finals. Though his in-game management does need a little help. I don't think I have ever even evaluated Jackson's in-game management to be honest, and though I am impressed how he has managed egos in the past, I think Van Gundy is better right now...in-game problems be damned...and because I have lowered the bar for him.

Adande: False.

Jackson keeps standing tall at the end. And who would make you feel more comfortable if you were to look at the sideline in a close game?

I am continuously amazed at how J.A. Adande measures a player and a coach's worth. Who would make me feel more comfortable on the sidelines? It doesn't freaking matter. Who is the better coach is what matters. I don't even know what standing tall has to do with anything really.

7. True or false? The Magic's offense is better right now than the Lakers'.

I say false. The Magic offense is really clicking right now and they look hard to stop. Whether that is a result of playing the Cavs, who they matched up well with, I don't really know. The Lakers seemed to struggle at times against the Nuggets, though they are "improved" on defense, but I think the Lakers offense is more complex than the Magic offense, which seems to be based entirely on getting the ball to Howard and then shooting 3 point shots as much as possible.

Adande: True.

They finally found the ideal combination of inside and outside game.

Man, I am all over Adande today. Yes, the ideal combination of inside and outside being defined as "getting the ball close enough to the basket for Howard to dunk and having the three point shooters shoot shots at a rapid fire pace."

8. True or false? The Magic's defense is better right now than the Lakers'.

I say false. I think the Lakers did a great job against the Nuggets but the Rockets series did scare me for the Lakers hopes a little bit though. Actually, both of these teams scared me in the Conference Semi-Finals series and scared me enough to wonder how they got where they are now.

Abbott: True.

Howard is the best defender in the NBA, but there's plenty of length and everybody plays hard.

I still say LeBron James is better.

Ford: True.

The Magic don't look like a great defensive team at first blush, but they've really been brilliant this season. If they can figure out how to slow down Kobe the way they slowed down LeBron, the Magic can pull this one out.

The Magic actually did not slow down LeBron James. James had a very good series. James had very little help from his teammates, which is a situation that Kobe may not experience because he has several guys like Odom, Bynum, Gasol, and others who can score as well. I think the Lakers supporting cast is stronger than LeBron's supporting cast was.

9. True or false? The Magic are playing better right now than the Lakers.

Right now, I think the Magic are playing better. I don't know what that means for this series though.

Abbott: True.

Although it depends what you mean by "right now."

The only definition there is, "at present."

Abbott must be trying to do his best Bill Clinton impression and argue semantics with the questioner.

The way the Lakers played in Game 6 to eliminate Denver might be the best anybody has played all playoffs long. But they have been up and down.

So the Lakers are better right now?

The Magic won an elimination game on the road without Howard in Philly.

That was literally a month ago, which is not even closely defined as "right now."

They were down 3-2 to the defending champs and got the big victory in Boston freaking Garden. Then they made short work of the best team in the NBA.

So the Magic are better right now? We actually get no answer from Mr. Abbott. He has the understanding that if he writes a whole lot maybe no one will notice he never actually answered the question.

10. True or false? The Magic can and will beat the Lakers in the NBA Finals.

I have thought about this a lot and I really don't have a lot of faith in either of these teams. If the 3 point shots stop falling for the Magic, they are screwed. If Odom doesn't show up and the role players for the Lakers don't do their thing, they are screwed as well because then Kobe starts taking 40 shots per game and that is not the way for them to win.

For me, a lot of the series comes down to whether Andrew Bynum can be a big boy and handle Dwight Howard one-on-one even for a short period of time. I realize he is getting help from Gasol and others, but really if Bynum and company can get him under control without the Lakers having to double team him, it should help in shutting down the 3 point shooters for the Magic. I would personally not double team Howard and rely on my inside guys to be able to stop him one-on-one and I may be in the minority on this one. The Magic were down 20+ points to the Cavs three times in that series and came back during the game. I don't think the Lakers will allow them to come back. Lakers in 6 games. I want to say 5 games, but will go with them in 6.

Broussard: False.

The Magic can beat the Lakers, but I believe that the Lakers will win in seven.

Ok smartass. Any team CAN beat another team, but will they is really what the question meant.

Hollinger: Half-false.

They absolutely can beat the Lakers, but I don't think they will.

Ford: False.

Yes, the Magic can beat the Lakers, and I expect the series to be very competitive. But, false, I believe that the Lakers will win the series in six games.

They all answered that way. "Well they can win, but they won't." That annoys me.

Adande: True and false.

They can beat the Lakers but won't without home-court advantage and Finals experience.

More brilliance by Adande. He gives two factors that have nothing to do with basketball ability from players on either team that will decide the series.

The consensus is that the Magic are going to lose to the Lakers. I really want to pick the Magic but I think the Lakers will get it done because they will do a great job of controlling Howard and the 3 point shooters for Orlando...easier said than done, but I think they will do an adequate enough job to beat Orlando in 6 games.