4 comments MMQB Review: Robin Williams Died, Which Means Peter Talks More About Philip Seymour Hoffman Edition

Peter King wrote in last week's MMQB that no finality will be determined after one preseason game, as Kevin Durant suggested on Twitter that media members are prone to do, then spent the first part of MMQB stating how Johnny Manziel has closed the gap on Brian Hoyer after the first preseason game. Peter also continued with his worship of words that are coming out of Chip Kelly's mouth and updated his readers on Michael Sam's adjustment to the NFL. I'm sure Michael Sam would just be another NFL player if the media would allow that to happen, which they won't. This week Peter talks about the 49ers new stadium, the Jaguars' future, accidentally tries to share a hotel room with a stranger, and reinforces once again that Philip Seymour Hoffman is the greatest actor of our generation. Peter will shart himself if anyone thinks differently.

There are two words for the 49ers’ new Levi’s Stadium, which opened for football Sunday afternoon: imaginative and cool.

That is actually three words you just used.

Imaginative, because the Niners, when they couldn’t get a deal done with the city of San Francisco for a new stadium eight years ago, decided they could do a couple of things. They could continue to fight to build a stadium in some inaccessible place near San Francisco where they didn’t want to be, or they could look elsewhere, to a place more accessible to the biggest city in the Bay Area, San Jose, and a place much closer to the mega-companies that had come to define the area.

It was imaginative to rip the team away from the city of San Francisco and head to an area with a larger companies who can provide sponsorship opportunities. Who would have ever thought do to this?

The site of this stadium is nine miles from Apple’s headquarters, 11 miles from Google, two miles from Intel, 10 miles from Facebook, four miles from Cisco and six miles from Yahoo. Levi’s Stadium is 45 miles south of Fisherman’s Wharf, but the world is changing—the world has changed—and so why mourn what isn’t?

That's an excellent way to look at it from the perspective of someone who isn't a 49ers fan who hasn't supported the team since they were in San Francisco only to have the team move to an area where they could build the new stadium. I don't know the local politics of this, but Peter's attitude of "Well, everything changes so get the fuck over it" feels sort of like a slap in the face to 49ers fans who supported the team in San Francisco. I wonder if Peter would feel the same way if the Red Sox moved from Boston to Andover. I'm guessing he would feel differently about "the world changing" in that situation.

Cool, because of these things:

The 38,000 square feet of solar panels produce enough energy to run the stadium for the 10 home 49er games each year, making it the only energy-sustainable sports venue in North America.

Better hope the 49ers don't have a home playoff game I guess.

There are light rail stops and bicycle racks just outside the stadium, You can ride your bike to the stadium from nearby San Jose neighborhoods, and my friend, San Jose Mercury News columnist Mark Purdy, said he plans to walk the four miles from his house to the stadium one time this season.

Can you ride your bike from San Francisco?

Another not-my-thing thing, but I realize it’s important today: Levi’s Stadium has four times the high-speed wifi capacity of the NFL’s standard for 2015.

Wait, high-speed wifi capacity isn't Peter's thing? If I remember correctly Peter King has complained about a hotel charging for wifi before. I'm sure wifi that moves quickly is one of Peter's "things" even if he doesn't know it is.

Driving up to the stadium Sunday morning, I thought what a pity it was to not have football in one of my favorite cities in the world anymore. Then I realized that’s an old-man thing to say, and Candlestick was a dump in the truest sense of the word, and life goes on—comfortably, in what feels like a palace, a $1.2 billion venue that is just about paid for in a state that’s supposed to be impossible to create things like this.

Candlestick was a dump, but I'm sure Peter is going to hear from 49ers fans who lived in San Francisco and supported the team since the 1980's (or earlier) who aren't exactly thrilled the team was taken from the San Francisco. The world moves on, that's true, but I'm sure some 49ers have something to say about the team moving to an area of California where it can be closer to a larger variety of corporate interests. Not that San Francisco doesn't have corporate interests of course. San Francisco just wasn't willing to build the 49ers a new stadium. Sorry 49ers fans in San Francisco, the world is changing and money now rules everything, which is totally different from the way the world was five years ago.

“Goodbye old cold foggy, soggy status quo stadium … Hello most technologically advanced fan experience on the planet.”

I'm sure there are plenty of Californians who are pleased the team has gone from San Francisco to a larger tech-headquarters area of the state where the money flows to a wider variety of higher-paying jobs in the technology field.

I’m not a stadium junkie, and I don’t tour many of them.

It sounds like you aren't a stadium junkie, since only 25% of this MMQB's pages are about a new stadium.

So I don’t know if this is the future of stadiums. But walking around Levi’s Stadium on Sunday morning, I certainly thought it should be.

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THIS TOPIC I'M ABOUT TO COMMENT ON, BUT TAKE MY COMMENTS SERIOUSLY AS IF I DO KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

And I thought how ridiculous it is that the Raiders are playing in the pit they’re playing in, trying to find a home somewhere, anywhere. The San Antonio Raiders? Puh-leeze. Better to relocate to Los Angeles, certainly, if Mark Davis isn’t greedy and he can find a rich financial partner (or buyer) and the city can figure a way to make the business of the NFL work.

Yes, we wouldn't want Mark Davis to be greedy. Maybe he should move the Raiders Santa Clara too! Then the Raiders and 49ers could be roommates!

But here’s a factoid for you: Levi’s Stadium is closer to downtown Oakland than to downtown San Francisco.

That's one more "fuck you" from Peter King to the 49ers fans in San Francisco.

The smartest thing of all would be for the Niners and Raiders, old buddies that they are, to pull a Giants-Jets and share a venue. Why not?

Because Raiders fans smell, will pee on the toilet seat, sit in front of the television all day and then eat all of the food while refusing to replace any of it...plus you know the Raiders are always going to have their friends over late on nights when the 49ers have to wake up early the next day.

There haven’t been many days in the Jim Harbaugh Era you wouldn’t want me to bring that up, but this is one of them. The preseason is a bad precursor for truth, and it’s silly to make too much of a 34-0 loss in August.

Upon reading this sentence, weekly readers of MMQB know that Peter King will now make too much of a 34-0 preseason loss. It's his nature to say something is silly and then do that exact thing.

But San Francisco is a lesser run-defense team without defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey (torn biceps) and run-stuffing linebacker NaVorro Bowman (rehabbing from knee surgery). The Niners will be missing two of their three best defensive players—pass-rusher Aldon Smith (suspension) and Bowman—for at least the first four games of the season. Which means the Niners will have to play Tony Romo, Jay Cutler, the stingy Cardinals and Chip Kelly’s Eagles, at least, with a wounded D. That puts pressure on Colin Kaepernick, who is capable of putting up 30 points regularly. But Kaepernick is going to get hit a lot, and when quarterbacks get hit a lot, they’re subject to injury, and the Niners’ backup passer situation is grim. Blaine Gabbert looks as bad as he ever did in Jacksonville, and he’s got a $2 million guaranteed deal to be an insurance policy, and Harbaugh said Sunday there’d be no cavalry on the way; the backup would be either Gabbert or Josh Johnson.

But again, it's silly to make too much of a preseason loss. Based on the 34-0 preseason game, Peter King has the 49ers without competent backups at two key defensive positions (by the way, remember how Peter King has been tickling Trent Baalke's taint for his wonderful drafting?...what happened to all those great draft picks that Baalke made, couldn't they contribute without Bowman or Smith in the lineup?) and has Colin Kaepernick injured with Blaine Gabbert or Josh Johnson starting for the 49ers. Again, it's silly to overreact, but that 34-0 loss leads Peter to believe the 49ers need to shore up their backup QB situation for when Colin Kaepernick inevitably gets injured after he has to put up 30 points per game to make up for the 49ers defense that can't stop the opponent from scoring 30 points in a game. This is not an overreaction at all to a 34-0 preseason game.

The 49ers are too good, and the coaching staff too smart, to have many days like Sunday in 2014. I wouldn’t worry, yet, if I were a Niners fan. I’d enjoy this era, and this stadium.

(Quick font change I can't seem to fix) 

Yeah, Peter says good luck with Blaine Gabbert as your starting QB. 

Very good young-quarterback weekend—albeit against lesser defenses after the starters were out—for Minnesota rookie Teddy Bridgewater (16-20, 177 yards, two touchdowns, no picks, 136.9 rating) against Arizona, and for Jacksonville’s Blake Bortles (11-17, 160 yards, no touchdowns or interceptions, 95.2 rating) against the Bears. Bridgewater was a little shaky in his first preseason game, and the Vikings seem likely to start the efficient Matt Cassel to begin the season.

No reason to overreact, but I will say I expected that from Teddy Bridgewater. He did have a bad Pro Day, which will be forgotten by guys like Mike Mayock once they need to get back on Bridgewater's good side. One bad Pro Day overshadows everything else Bridgewater did at Louisville for Mayock. 

Granted, it was against backups. That is true. 

The most fascinating situation is in Jacksonville. With two promising performances in a row for Bortles, the draft-day plan to sit this year’s third overall draft pick for most if not all of his freshman autumn now has to be up in the air. I’m told the Jags are still likely to play Chad Henne early in the season, but the plan always was to wait until Bortles was fully ready to take over, having nothing to do with how good or bad Henne played.

Apparently, Peter's source on this issue is every single quote Gus Bradley and David Caldwell have spoken since drafting Blake Bortles. The Jaguars are planning on sitting Blake Bortles for the year or until Chad Henne gets injured. That's the plan and always has been the plan. The idea Bortles is playing well doesn't seem to change the plan, so saying the original plan is still the plan when no Jacksonville GM or coach has given a different indication there was ever a different plan is reporting something that isn't news. Good day, sir. I said, good day!

It’s totally different than what happened with Blaine Gabbert three years ago, when Jacksonville played him before he was ready. Bortles has used the off-season and camp so far to improve his mechanics; he’s not an arm-thrower the way he was at Central Florida.

He throws the football using his mind, not his arm. And Peter knows Blake Bortles is different from Blaine Gabbert because Bortles is ready to play now, based on two preseason games. But don't think Peter is letting what happens in the preseason affect his opinion and cause him to jump to conclusions. He would never do that. 

Much of this is about the mental aspect of the game. My recent 45-minute talk with Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley revealed much of what’s going into Bortles’ head—and into the heads of every Jaguar. “As a coach,” Bradley said, “why do I want to apply anxiety? Why do I want to apply stress? I am trying to slow Blake’s world down, so he can learn everything he needs to learn to be a successful player. The plan is all about getting Blake ready to play.

I understand that Bortles seems ready to play, but until the Jaguars indicate they plan on starting Bortles this season, there is no story here. They are not going to force Bortles into action this season if they don't have to. Apparently this is a very difficult concept to understand for Peter.

Guess what the third and fourth sentences of my conversation with Bortles were, when I asked him how he feels about the Jaguars’ slow-motion plan to make him a franchise quarterback?

Please stop leering at me? You are making me uncomfortable when you stare at my body like that?

It’s hard to be around the Jaguars and not think they’re going to be a good team in 2015.

It's also hard not to think in a division with the Titans, Texans and Colts it won't be a long process to possibly get a Wild Card spot playing in the AFC South. Of course, the NFC West was a shit-show just a few years ago when a 7-9 Seahawks team made the playoffs. So things in the NFL can change quickly...except with the Rams. They need more time for Jeff Fisher to put his master plan together. It seems Peter King believes Michael Sam is the key to that plan, since that's all he could talk about in MMQB when discussing his visit to Rams camp.

Eight quick thoughts from Week 2.

1. Comeback player of the preseason: Mark Sanchez.

Peter is even jumping to conclusions when it comes to handing out preseason awards that don't really exist. But again, Peter doesn't really take what happens in the preseason and prematurely come to any conclusions. He just is naming fake preseason awards prior to the preseason even being over.

4. Quarterback Leadership 101. The quarterback is not allowed tardiness, Johnny Manziel.

Peter isn't going to come to any conclusions since it's only preseason, but this tardiness probably means Manziel isn't as close to taking the QB1 spot away from Brian Hoyer to start the season. After last week's performance, which is only preseason and doesn't count for anything to Peter, Manziel moved up close to a dead heat with Hoyer. But then Manziel was tardy, so Hoyer has increased his chances of starting the season as QB1 now.

7. Storm clouds over East Rutherford. The Giants really looked out of sync on offense, for the second straight week under new offensive coordinator Bob McAdoo. Not sure how you have faith that the Giants will be a serious contender to overtake Philadelphia in the NFC East at this point.

Well, it is preseason, so I'm not sure how anyone can determine what teams are or are not serious contenders for pretty much anything at this point. 

“Points of emphasis” are the three dirty words for defensive players around the league after two weeks of preseason games. But don’t expect the crackdown on defensive clutching and grabbing by the league’s 17 crews to soften once the real games begin in 17 days, league vice president of officiating Dean Blandino said Sunday afternoon.

Then Dean Blandino got back on the party bus with the rest of Cowboys ownership and tried to see if he could get a couple of the hot blondes provided by Jerry Jones to pay attention to him as he explained the finer points of officials calling so many penalties that an NFL game will now last four hours.

“The way the game’s being officiated now is the way it’s going to be officiated when the season begins,” Blandino said from his office in New York. “We have to remain consistent. I knew we’d see a spike in calls when we put out these points of emphasis. But coaches adjust, and players adjust.

That is a fair point. Players and coaches adjust, but the question is whether them having to adjust is good for the NFL game or not.

“Plus, I would say that between 70 and 75 percent of the calls I’ve gotten from teams after their games this preseason are asking the question, Why weren’t there more calls? I had a call today from a team with seven questions, and six were, Why wasn’t a foul called on this play?”

This isn't really proof there could be more calls made, but could be seen as proof that if the NFL is going to open up officiating to less contact downfield then teams are going to find that they believe more penalties should be called regarding penalties downfield. Teams always think they didn't get enough calls, and once the NFL opens up the officiating for more penalties then coaches are naturally going to see more penalties they think should be called.

The league is determined to cut down the amount of sparring beyond the five-yard bump zone. “The jersey-grabbing and holding downfield, especially,” cornerback Joe Haden of the Browns told me the other day. “That’s what they’ve emphasized to us.”

I thought that was a penalty anyway? So the NFL has decided to start calling the penalties that are already in the rulebook? I understand that, but why now? It's not like there has a been downtick in scoring and a little bit of contact between the receiver and the defensive back should be expected.

One assistant coach said recently that if he were advising the receivers on his team, he’d tell them to wear loose, Triple-XL jerseys, to make it easier for defenders to grab. His theory was, why not try to attract penalties if the officials are going to be looking so hard to find the jersey-grabs?

Great, now NBA players and NFL players are going to turn into soccer players and start flopping all over the field when they are touched. I can't imagine how that will get annoying.

Agreed, but however it’s coached, the game’s not going to be as good if, as we just saw this weekend, there are nine more flags, and nine more stoppages of play, in the average NFL game once the real games start.

I hate to agree with Peter King, but I'm not sure how many more stoppages of play I can handle watching NFL games. I already watch my favorite team on DVR because the constant commercial breaks drive me crazy. It's bad enough the kickoff return has almost been eliminated (followed by a commercial break of course) and it feels like there are commercials every few minutes during a game, but now there will potentially be more stoppage time for penalties. I can be patient, and am for expanded replay in the sloooooooooow game of baseball, but I start watching my favorite NFL team play usually about an hour or more into the game having started and I usually catch up before the game is over. It's interesting to see how much stoppage there is during an NFL game and I don't know how I feel about even one more stoppage of play per quarter. Of course, it's not like I'll stop watching.

“I’m very upset. Would you be upset? I was, particularly.”
 
—New Orleans coach Sean Payton, on the second unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty of the game on tight end Jimmy Graham for dunking the football over the goalpost in the Saints-Titans game Friday night.

Payton should be more than upset. He should fine Graham, and do something else to punish him, for such a juvenile act.

Suspend Graham? Should he be suspended for committing two unsportsmanlike-conduct penalties? Isn't this the point where the franchise quarterback and leader of the team (but only the offense, Brees knows NOTHING about what happens on defense...NOTHING at all) should pull Graham aside and say, "Hey Jimmy, you gotta stop doing that shit. You are hurting the team." I mean, Sean Payton shouldn't have to deal with this. Would Peyton Manning or Tom Brady allow one of their teammates to consistently get 15-yard penalties for dunking the football after a touchdown? I hate to go the whole "Would Brady/Manning..." route, but in terms of leadership, I think this should be a Drew Brees intervention. He's the leader of the team and the offense. I don't know why he doesn't tell Graham to just stop it...if Brees does and Graham doesn't listen, then that's a whole new set of issues.

Whatever you feel about it, it’s a selfish, team-defeating act that you know will bring a penalty flag and a 15-yard sanction against your team. Graham has to grow up. And if he won’t, Payton has to do something about it.

While I agree, I think this situation is where the team leadership should step in and prevent Sean Payton from having to deal with this issue. Since Graham is hurting the team, it would be nice if one of the team leaders would say something to Graham. This situation is a great example of why teams have captains. It seems petty for the coach to get involved and since the player is hurting the team, the team leadership can take care of the issue.

Chip Kelly Wisdom of the Week

I posted this on Twitter, so I apologize if some of you see it twice...remember a few weeks ago when Peter King was breathlessly reporting about how Chip Kelly thinks too much pressure is put on draft picks to produce and be great early? Well, here is Chip Kelly talking about Marcus Smith, the Eagles first round draft choice this past May.

Coach Chip Kelly said he saw “bright spots” from Smith against New England, but that there were also moments when he looked “overwhelmed” and that the team needs to get more out of him in general.

“Marcus got a real extended look,” Kelly said, via the Philadelphia Daily News. “He’s got a burst. He’s got some speed coming off the edge. But if you’re going to play that many plays, we’re going to need more production out of you

It would be nice if these quotes were Chip Kelly's Wisdom of the Week, but that would involve Peter acknowledging that everything Chip Kelly says isn't to be written down on a tablet and presented throughout the world as the great truth. Kelly didn't throw Smith under the bus, but remember these are quotes after two preseason games. Of course Chip Kelly thinks rookies are under too much pressure to product immediately, but he's looking for his first round draft pick to make plays and increase his production. It's almost like Kelly is putting pressure on Smith (the Eagles 2014 first round pick) to perform well immediately or something. That couldn't be true, because it would mean Chip Kelly doesn't abide by his wisdom-filled statements at all times.

Kelly spoke last week about the importance of players on the 90-man roster taking advantage of whatever chances they get during practice and preseason games:
“We’d love to get more reps but we are also not going to be on the field for four hours. As we say, ‘Don’t count your reps. Make your reps count.’ When you’re out there, take advantage of them.  Your answer can’t be, ‘Well, I’m not playing well because I didn’t get enough reps.’ If you only get three reps, make those three reps the best reps you can.’’

Is this wisdom really? It sounds like a thing that a head coach would say. I think the whole "wisdom" thing with Chip Kelly has gone overboard, especially when some of his wisdom is advice he doesn't follow himself. 

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

We walked into the lobby of the Holiday Inn Express, with the Tuesday USA Today and Cleveland Plain Dealer on the counter for those checking out. One problem. “We don’t have any reservations for you,” the front-desk gal said. We checked with our travel agent. Seems the reservation was made for Aug. 18, not Aug. 11. Next Monday.

Rest assured that travel agent has either been murdered, or if he is lucky, simply fired at this point. No one messes up Peter's travel schedule and gets a second chance to do it again. Peter does not enjoy staying in a crappy hotel at night. Do you know who he is? 

Of course, this is the part where I would remind Peter that he is traveling in an RV. It's almost like one of those RV's thingies could be used for sleeping purposes in a pinch. 

With no rooms available, our intrepid tour manager, Andy DeGory, got on the phone and found us rooms at the nearby Howard Johnson’s Motor Lodge.

The carpet on the floor stopped. The floor for the last half of the hallway was just cement. The place smelled. Just get in the room, just get in the room … How bad could sleeping be for 90 minutes? I thought. I put the key in my door and opened it.

And there was Brett Favre standing in the room. Reunited again. It feels so good.

The room looked trashed—either under construction or trashed. It was dark; I couldn’t exactly tell. And this voice from inside, weakly, waffled: “I’m … in … here.” Like some dying ghost.

Uh-oh Peter, just leave the money on the nightstand when you are done. And here Peter thought it was going to be a bad night, but when he gets to his room the HoJo has set him up for a little night time entertainment/activity.

Whoa! I closed the door. I went to the lobby.
 
“Might be a good idea when you give me the key to a room that there won’t be another person in it,” I said.
 
“W-w-w-what?” the front-deskman said.

Well there you go, HoJo Motor Lodge, you have lost Peter King's recommendation and he will now bash you in MMQB. On a side note, your coffee was delicious and Peter appreciates the light scent of honey that was prevalent in all nine cups he drank.

“Can you just give me a room? Any room without a person in it?” I said.
 
He did, and I went to another room at the Howard Johnson Motor Lodge, so happy to be at the Howard Johnson Motor Lodge, and praying that no living thing would be in the room.

Except Chip Kelly. It would be nice if Chip Kelly were in the room so that he could impart some of his wisdom to Peter in this extremely difficult time.

So I wouldn’t give the Howard Johnson Motor Lodge on the southern fringe of Cleveland a very high recommendation this morning.

I don't know. It sounds like the guy/girl who was in the room Peter was originally assigned was having a good enough time of it.

Ten Things I Think I Think

2. I think I have no idea why so many saw Santonio Holmes as toxic. He’s been mildly disruptive in his NFL career, but not a cancer. I think the Bears made a good signing there.

In his NFL career, Holmes has a marijuana possession charge, was benched twice by Mike Tomlin, served a four game suspension for violation of the substance abuse policy, benched by the Jets for arguing with a teammate, had an incident at a nightclub that led to the Steelers trading him, and has 46 receptions over the last two seasons. I don't think he's toxic, but he has become a fairly unproductive, injured player who had quite a few "mild" disruptions in his NFL career. A lot of teams just didn't think his production was worth having him on the team taking up a roster spot. I think I understand it. Of course, he could still be productive with a non-shitty QB throwing him the ball, so there's that too.

3. I think I have one name to keep in mind as the Pro Football Hall of Fame senior committee gathers this week in Canton to nominate one old-timer for election to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, class of 2015: Mick Tingelhoff. Think of Tingelhoff’s greatest accomplishment: For the last 358 games of his 17-year career—99 preseason games, 240 regular-season games, 19 postseason games—Tingelhoff started.

99 preseason games? And I think the preseason is too long now? That's almost six preseason games per year compared to only about 14 regular season games per season during Tingelhoff's career.

7. I think this was the reaction of one scout upon leaving the Broncos-Niners game: “Very strange. San Francisco looked tired. I wonder if they’ve been beating themselves up in practice. They were just off. But it’s a classic case of not putting too much stock into preseason games. If they had to play a game tomorrow, they’re still one of the top three or five teams in football. I would worry about the backup quarterback situation though.”

NO! Peter King says the 49ers should panic, though of course he's not putting too much stock into preseason games.

8. I think if Peyton Manning made playing quarterback any easier, he’d be sleeping.

I think the Seattle Seahawks would have something to say about this comment.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. Such a sad week.

Deep thought alert!

b. Robin Williams’ death by suicide drives home what a serious illness depression is. 

Who knew depression was so serious? Peter didn't. This is a wake-up call to everyone that depression is really, really serious. Peter gets sad thinking about how serious depression is. 

For all those who suffer from it, and for those who don’t always realize how hopeless depressed people can feel, I hope Williams’ death causes a re-examination of depression specifically and mental health in general.

Yes, now there should be a re-examination of mental health, after Robin Williams commits suicide. Maybe the rash of school shootings should also cause a re-examination of depression and mental health in general as well. Considering Peter is very concerned about the gun aspect of the school shootings, perhaps he should have considered the mental health aspect of the shootings. Many of those shooters probably weren't exactly right in their head. But since this is America, I'm guessing the fact a celebrity killed himself will drive the importance of mental health home more than anything else.

c. Tremendous story by Richard Corliss in Time magazine, on the death of Williams and appreciation of his life. What a terrific job, too, considering news of Williams’ death spread around dinnertime in New York on Monday evening, and Corliss’ brilliant elegy was in my mailbox on Thursday morning.

There was 15 pages in "Time" about Robin Williams. 15 pages. I am always afraid of coming off as insensitive, but that's a bit excessive. He's a celebrity. Good for him. There has to be better and more important news to spend 25% of the magazine space covering.

I realize we live in a celebrity-obsessed society, so I realize 15 pages of Robin Williams will sell more magazines than anything else I actually subscribe to "Time" to read. It's just...it seemed excessive and it doesn't surprise me that Peter King eats it up.

Not had enough hero-worship from Peter King about Philip Seymour-Hoffman? Good, here's more!

d. At the time of his heroin-overdose death in February at 46, Philip Seymour Hoffman was, in my opinion, the greatest actor in our country. On Friday, I went to the last movie in which he played a lead role, a German spymaster named Gunther Bachmann, in “A Most Wanted Man.” The premise is interesting—that disagreements and rivalries between international spy agencies helped Mohammed Atta and associates hatch and develop the plot for the 9/11 attacks on the United States in Hamburg, Germany. After 9/11, Hoffman’s character is chasing a Chechen man identified by sources as a probable terrorist, and his search for him and for a money-launderer far more dangerous, and his butting of heads with rival spymeisters makes a for a taut, fast story. And as I sat there and watched the chain-smoking, hard-drinking Hoffman do some of his best work, I thought how sad it was that we won’t see 20 more examples of the man’s brilliance on the screen. 

Philip Seymour Hoffman is the greatest actor in our country, at least until another actor dies, at which point Peter will anoint that person as the greatest actor of his generation. Also, it is sad there won't be 20 more examples of Hoffman's brilliance on screen, but these are the things that happen when you use drugs to excess. There are probably a million other people who are more worthy of Peter's sympathies that have something to give to society, but because those people don't pretend to be someone else on a screen then Peter doesn't give a shit about these people.

Robin Williams dies, and Philip Seymour Hoffman gives us two hours of what we’ll be missing over the next quarter-century. What a bummer.

Yes, a true bummer. It's also a bummer for Hoffman's/Williams' children that they no longer have a parent around and it's a bummer for the hundreds of other people in the United States who suffer from depression or use drugs and won't be eulogized except with a small paragraph in a newspaper because they can't pretend to be someone else for money very well.

John Feinstein thinks Philip Seymour Hoffman shouldn't be in the Acting Hall of Fame because Hoffman was too much of a pussy to not die from using drugs. 

h. Thus, you’re wrong if you think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a bunch of mularkey. It’s working, to raises awareness and research money.

I think it's a little bit of mularkey and that some people do it just to dump ice over their head. I did participate but only because I got challenged to do so. It wasn't so bad and it did lead to two people who didn't want to do it paying $200 (total) to the ALS Foundation. So some good does come of it.

i. Coffeenerdness: Very nice coffee in the Levi’s Stadium press box. Peet’s. Not sure the blend, but it’s dark, and it’s good.

Great. My life is now more complete knowing this.

n. Thanks, Michael Beschloss, for reminding us that Roberto Clemente, had he lived, would have turned 80 today.

Thank you for being the only person with the memory to remind "us" that Clemente would have turned 80 today. Fortunately the only holder of his information is generous enough to share it.

The Adieu Haiku
 
Peyton is ageless.
The best man on field Sunday,
and he’s 38.

Let's see, Peyton Manning is 38 years old and is still playing at a high level. If this were baseball then the articles that state "Peyton Manning may be on steroids" would already be written. But it's Peyton Manning so of course he doesn't use steroids. Steroids are only used in baseball and only used to hit a lot of home runs.*

*And no, I don't believe Peyton Manning uses steroids. I think it's funny how much speculation would go into an athlete who still plays at the top of his game at the age of 38 in baseball. It takes almost nothing these days, other than to hit home runs, for some enterprising sportswriter to write a "I'm not saying he is on steroids, but I will strongly hint at it" column.

6 comments MMQB Review: Kickers are People Too Edition

Peter King has followed up his power rankings debacle from last week with power rankings that seem to make a little more sense and Peter has us feeling uplifted by the exploits of NeckBeard and the rest of the Colts team. Peter also details Shahid Khan's attempts to grow the Jacksonville Jaguars base in other countries, where the citizenry are less prone to know the direction the Jaguars team seems to be trending. Apparently Khan wants to see a lot of Jacksonville Jaguars shirts in Ireland, but only fill the stadium to 60% capacity in Jacksonville. One piece of good news is that Peter has promised his editors he isn't providing any political commentary...then Peter gives political commentary in the very next sentence after stating he wouldn't be giving any.

There are a lot of stories in the naked city this morning -- 

Peter, are you lost and naked in the city again?

the Brees ascension over the great Unitas, 

"The Brees Ascension." It sounds like a faith-based movie about Drew Brees life and the hard times he endured during his free agency year in 2006 when he was desperately searching for an NFL team to give him the most guaranteed money in a contract. He could do better than the 5 year $50 million incentive-laden deal the Chargers were offering. Brees had to keep faith a team wouldn't pay him to perform and would give him guaranteed money. It's a very uplifting story of how one man went from really wealthy to really, really wealthy against the odds.

 the 49ers playing like the '66 Packers, the air being let out of the Buffalo Counterfeit Bills, Eric Winston in a rage, Wes Welker with a needle, Chicago playing piranha defense, Minnesota shocking the world, Atlanta off to the best start in its history -- but there is one story that stands above them all. The story is the game of the year.

At least until next week when there will be a completely different "game of the year." Games of the year tend to happen on a near-weekly basis sometimes.

Halftime score in Indianapolis: Packers 21, Colts 3.
Final score in Indianapolis: Chuck Pagano 30, Packers 27.

At least Peter isn't being overly-dramatic about this victory for the Colts. It's pretty hard to be snarky about a guy who has leukemia, even if this story isn't exactly about Chuck Pagano specifically. Still, writing "Chuck Pagano 30, Packers 27" is the type of thing even Hallmark movies wouldn't touch.

Indy, however, left Aaron Rodgers 35 seconds. And no matter how the crowd and the Colts sideline wished time, just this once, could fly, Green Bay got in position for a 51-yard field-goal try by Mason Crosby with eight seconds left. Crosby had plenty of leg to make the kick.

"I just thought, 'If there's a God in heaven, I pray he misses this,'' said Arians.

I am sure one of God's biggest priorities right now in regard to the 2012 Indianapolis Colts team is to ensure this kick by Mason Crosby missed.

Crosby seemed like he got a good kick on it. But something insane happened a millisecond later, inside a retractable-roof stadium with the dome closed this day. The ball veered left so fast and so far about 20 yards into the kick ... it was like an immense gust of wind showed up just then and pushed the kick impossibly left. 

Clearly this was the spirit of Chuck Pagano, despite the fact he is alive, pushing the ball to the left.

Yet there was no wind -- the ball just shot to the left for some very odd, somebody-up-there-likes-Chuck reason, a shankapotamus if there ever were one.

So I guess the same God that didn't give a shit whether Joe Philbin won a playoff game as the Packers offensive coordinator last year just days after his son's death, was the one who pushed this kick to the left? That's how God works, he takes time to meddle in the affairs of certain sporting events, but not other sporting events. Or does God just hate the Green Bay Packers?

1. Drew Brees did it again. First, two historic preambles: Devery Henderson caught the pass Brees threw to break John Unitas' 52-year-old record for consecutive games with a touchdown pass. Henderson wears No. 19. Unitas wore 19.

Again, God at work. Clearly. There is no such thing as a coincidence in situations like this.

And the only team in history to start 0-4 and make the playoffs was the 1992 Chargers.
 
And Johnny Unitas played for the Chargers. Coincidence? I think not.

The 2012 Chargers were in the house Sunday night, and the Saints -- formerly 0-4 -- scratched and clawed and Breesed their way to a 31-24 win, with the savvy QB throwing four touchdown passes in all, three to Marques Colston.

Marques Colston is constantly scoring touchdowns and Johnny Unitas' middle name? You guessed it. Constantine. There are so many coincidences I have created here I would be shocked if there isn't a higher power at work.

Understand something about Brees: He feels inextricably tied to Sean Payton and Mickey Loomis, because in 2006, when Nick Saban's Dolphins were skeptical about Brees' preparedness for the season due to major shoulder surgery, they stuck their necks out and committed $60 million over six years to sign him in New Orleans. That's why Brees emailed Commissioner Roger Goodell eight days ago, asking for papal dispensation so Payton and Loomis and the also-suspended Joe Vitt could attend this game.

This is also why Drew Brees was so quick to sign a contract extension with the Saints this offseason, so he could continue to play for Sean Payton. The contract extension this offseason got done quickly, right?

2. The 49ers are some scary dudes. Until San Francisco's 45-3 rout of the Bills, no team in NFL history had ever rushed for more than 300 yards and passed for more than 300 yards in the same game. The Niners rushed for 311 and passed for 310. Watching bits and pieces of this game, the one thing you can tell is how varied Alex Smith's weapons are. He's so much more equipped to run a diverse offense than he was last year.

I've been wrong about one or two things in my life, but so far it looks like I was very wrong about Jim Harbaugh. I was quick to criticize media members who proclaimed him the next great head coach in the NFL. Now while I still think they were quick to say what a great coach he was going to be before he coached one game (see: Schiano, Greg), I underestimated how good he was at straightening out quarterbacks and how the 49ers were a competent quarterback away from being a really good team.

3. The best division in football? Don't laugh. Every team in the NFC West is above .500, and the composite record of the division is 14-6. No other division is close. I thought the NFC South could be a powerhouse. Nope; 8-11. Now that the Rams have a defense, all four teams out west can hold teams down. Good defense travels. I can see the West keeping it up the entire year.

I'm pretty sure the NFC West can't keep up a 70% winning percentage all year, especially since those NFC West teams still have to play each other multiple times before the season is over.

4. Welker slams Belichick ... or did he? Really: You be the judge. Watch this clip on Comcast SportsNet New England and see Wes Welker, prodded by host Mike Felger, answer how it felt catching 13 balls Sunday against Denver, versus the three he caught when it looked like the Patriots and coach Bill Belichick were featuring others in Week 1. "It's kind of nice to stick it in Bill's face every once in a while,'' Welker said. "So this is definitely a good one." You see Welker wink at the camera slightly.

I'm inclined to think he definitely has some hurt feelings over how he was used in Week 1 (five targets, three catches, 14 yards) and as one Patriot press box wag suggested: "The truth is often spoken in jest. Not sure Belichick will find it as funny.''

Two days from now we will find Wes Welker's bruised and battered body in a dumpster about a mile from Gillette Stadium. The only evidence found at the scene of the crime was two fibers that appear to have come from a gray hoodie and a Patriots playbook with Welker's routes all diagrammed in blood.

7. The NFC North is not exactly what we expected. The Bears are not a big surprise, particularly when you consider they have the most opportunistic defense in football -- as many touchdowns on interception returns (five) as their backs have rushing touchdowns. Wait until Jay Cutler gets hot.

By "hot" does Peter mean wait until Jay Cutler punches an offensive lineman in the face instead of merely pushing him? Or by "hot" does Peter mean Cutler is able to stay warm during the cold Chicago games by using the thin layer of baby fat around his body to keep warm?

All you who thought the Vikings would be two games up on the Packers after five weeks, raise your hand. (Wilfs, you don't count.) Minnesota has a tolerable schedule too. That division is going to have a riotous pennant race.

It will be a raucous pennant race. The turbulence of this pennant race will be shocking to the everyday person. Also, why is Peter calling it a "pennant race" when it refers to football? I'm pretty sure this phrase usually applies only to baseball.

9. The Danny Amendola story made Kevin Demoff faint. You probably heard the story that Rams Chief Operating Officer Kevin Demoff fainted during a staff meeting Friday. He was hospitalized and found to be in fine health. A fluky thing.

Demoff probably fainted because he heard the Rams top two receivers are Brandon Gibson and Austin Pettis or because he found out Sam Bradford is still throwing them the football.

The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars, Shahid Khan, flies to London this week to begin the serious business of promoting his team to a British audience.

It makes sense. Now that the Jags are alienating their Jacksonville fan base, someone has to buy tickets to Jaguars games. Why not have a bunch of unsuspecting foreigners be the easy bait?

More importantly, is this some sort of outsourcing to find a fan base? First, foreigners take all of our American jobs overseas and now foreigners are stealing the joy we derive from our sports teams. You can't outsource joy, Mr. Khan!

Khan is determined that the Jaguars become England's NFL team, and perhaps Europe's, over the next few years, and he sees it as part of the plan of the Jaguars' long-term future in Jacksonville.

All joking aside, this isn't a terrible idea, though I do wonder why Khan is so intent on expanding the Jags fan base overseas while the Jacksonville fan base seems to be the one Khan should be courting heavily.

It seems outlandish to think of Londoners taking road trips to Jacksonville to see an American football game. But what if it's a Jacksonville-golf-Disney World-South Beach combo platter week of fun? Who knows if the Jaguars can dent the English sports scene, or the European one. But the Pakistani-born Khan's going to try.

Again, I get the idea. I don't know how I would feel if my favorite NFL team's owner decided he wanted to own the official team of England while expecting the fan base in America to support the team when he sends one home game per year over the next four seasons to England. Maybe it's just me, but I would feel a little betrayed. NFL teams only get eight home games in a year, not counting preseason games, and Khan wants to take one of those home games away to grow the team overseas? I wouldn't be too happy about this as a Jags fan.

Khan is so bullish on the prospect of the team's reach into Europe that he told me it's "highly likely'' Jacksonville may eventually play two home games a year in Europe. 

This would make me even more angry. Why should I as a fan of the Jags support the team and buy tickets to games when it is clear we aren't a priority in Jacksonville? Sure, it is great to grow the fan base, but the Jags fans have supported the team since 1995. Maybe Khan should work hard to draw a good Jacksonville-based crowd to games.

Now, if you're a Jaguars fan, before getting apoplectic over the prospect of losing a second home game per season, understand that this is all about fanbase-building, revenue generation and, eventually, free agent and guaranteed-money competition with the league's haves.

I get it, but there is a salary cap in the NFL. Maybe Quarterback X will want to sign with the Jaguars because they are a more global brand, but I have a hard time believing English fans are going to make the trip over to America to watch Jaguars games to the point this is part of what keeps the Jaguars in Jacksonville.

His home market won't take kindly to losing a second home game, and he's going to have to find a way to finesse that to his fans. But I look at it like I look at the market closest to Jacksonville (TV market size: 47), which is 51st-rated Buffalo. Bills fans have to accept that to have a chance to keep the franchise in Buffalo long-term, cultivating the Toronto market is vital.

Other than the fact these are two different things of course and probably aren't very comparable situations, this is a great comparison.

The Jacksonville dalliance with London is totally different, obviously;

Apparently this isn't so obvious since Peter just compared these two situations to each other.

Khan's outside-the-box thinking is a double-edged sword. But I'm not sure the Jags are in Jacksonville in 15 years with conventional thinking.

Perhaps I am misunderstanding the issue. The issue with the Jaguars staying in Jacksonville is there isn't enough support (revenue) coming from the franchise to justify keeping them in Jacksonville. Is Khan trying to move the Jags overseas or is he trying to get overseas support in America for the Jags? I get the idea of using a world market to ramp up interest in a sport, but because fans in the United States like the Premier League does that mean these fans are going to travel to the city of their favorite NFL team often enough to support the team staying in that city? It seems to me like expanding overseas is a great idea overall for the NFL, but not specifically to solve any woes an NFL team has from playing in a specific city.

Fine Fifteen

14. Arizona (4-1). I can't see how this team makes the playoffs with that offensive line.

What a fall for the Cardinals. They lost to the #13 team in Peter's Fine Fifteen and then got knocked down to #14 from #5 last week.

The Colts have gotten very lucky with this Luck guy.

Remember, you have to be a very experienced sportswriter to write things like this and get paid six figures for doing so.

"If I were you, I would learn how to be a little bit nicer. I know you don't care and nor do I care if I ever sit down and do an interview with you -- which I have yet to do. Maybe there's a reason for that. I like everybody. I'd like to like you but right now I don't like you. Grow up, young man."

-- Terry Bradshaw on Jay Cutler, on the FOX pregame show Sunday.

Oh yeah, tough talk from Terry Bradshaw to Jay Cutler through the television set on a pregame show there is a 0% chance Cutler was watching. While I do think Jay Cutler is a dipshit, I like how Terry Bradshaw tells Cutler he needs to be nicer, and then tells Cutler he doesn't care if ever does an interview with him despite not knowing him at all. Basically the moral of this lesson from Terry Bradshaw is he doesn't like Jay Cutler despite not knowing him, he doesn't care to know him, and this is supposed to be some sort of message that Jay Cutler will heed. There is a reason I don't watch pregame shows and crap like this is one of those reasons. The whole "tough talk to an NFL player through the television" schtick got old 15 years ago.

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 5:

b. Chris Long, rushing the passer like the second pick in the draft.

Longtime readers of this blog probably remember how much Peter King liked Chris Long back when he was drafted by the Rams. I thought Chris Long was going to have to get a restraining order against Peter.

m. Well, I'll be darned: Sunday was the third time in Alex Smith's eight-year career that he had a 300-yard passing game. Regardless of what you think of Smith, it's amazing in this age that any quarterback who's played a lot in eight years has only three of those.

I'm not sure "amazing" is the word that I would look to use in this situation, especially coming from the #1 pick in a draft. What is amazing to me is that Smith is only 28 years old. I feel like he has been in the NFL for 15 years.

2. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 5:

a. Percy Harvin the special teams player of the month for September? Way off the mark. Nine players returned kicks for touchdowns in the month. Harvin was one of them. Greg Zuerlein (12 of 12 in field goals, seven from beyond 45 yards in the month) had one of the best months a kicker has ever had. Harvin shouldn't be penalized for being Harvin and being taken for granted, but he didn't have nearly as impactful a month as Zuerlein did.

Last week Peter named Greg Zuerlein his Offensive Rookie of the Year and this week he is livid, livid I tell you, that nine players returned kicks for touchdowns in September and one of these players was named special teams player of the month for September. I wonder if Peter realizes 31 other kickers made field goals during the month of September?

I know, I know, Zuerlein's accuracy is impressive, but Harvin is #1 in the NFL in kick return average at 38.3 yards on nine returns. Peter is telling me 38 yards per kick return isn't impactful when it comes to Minnesota being 4-1? It's nearly impossible to say which player was more impactful, but Harvin has been the best kick returner in the NFL for the month of September and has consistently given the Vikings great field position. He is a big reason the Vikings are 4-1.

g. Ray Lewis, who really got pushed around by the Chiefs. That weight loss looks like it's hurting him a lot. He just isn't a factor against the run the way he used to be.

Or it could be that time is just catching up with him. That's not it though because the obvious answer couldn't be the correct answer. Lewis is 37 years old. I know he lost weight, but maybe it is a combination of the weight loss and age that causes him not be a factor against the run.

3. I think Andy Reid, after watching Mike Vick lose two more fumbles in the first quarter at Pittsburgh, has to be thinking about benching Vick. Not today, but soon, if Vick can't hold onto it. That's 11 turnovers in the first 17 quarters of the season.

For who? Which quarterback on the Eagles roster is a better option right now than Mike Vick? Vick fumbles way too often, but I'm not sure there is a quarterback on the Eagles roster that gives them a better chance to win a game. Nick Foles or Trent Edwards? I'm not sure either is the answer.

5. I think this will be my last dispatch from the Replacement Officials Front: I had a conversation with Jim Core, the NAIA ref, World Geography teacher and public school activities director from Meridian, Idaho, and came away thinking: The NFL's lucky the first three weeks of this season weren't more of a debacle.

Three other observations from Core: He didn't like how hard and how intensely Tampa Bay coach Greg Schiano worked the crew during the Giants-Bucs game in Week 2 and called the crashing of the Victory Formation "something you'd see at a high school level.''

Which as an official during NAIA games he would know something about officiating football at the high school level.

Core's crew had the Chargers twice, and he said Philip Rivers "was pretty much a jerk''

That can't be true because the mainstream sports media tells me the only jerk quarterback in the NFL is Jay Cutler.

7. I think this is another example of the absolute folly of the NFL even thinking about an 18-game schedule: The Jets play Houston tonight. Mark Sanchez will likely be without his top two wideouts (Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill) and his starting tight end (Dustin Keller.) Moreover, four of his eligible pass catchers were picked up off the street by the Jets. This is Week 5. You can't in good conscience think about expanding the regular season. You just can't.

I thought the NFL had dropped all ideas of an 18 game season? They just won't let that go, will they? I don't see how the NFL can claim to be concerned about the long-term health of the players and want to extend the season by two games. I don't care if they want to eliminate two preseason games. The intensity in a preseason game and a regular season game is completely different. For me, claiming to care about player safety and then increasing the regular season by two games (absent a rule saying players can only play in 16 games during a season) are mutually exclusive.

b. Bobby V whacked. Now there's a stunner.

The Red Sox are so cursed. They experienced their first below .500 season since 1997. It's all Bobby Valentine's fault naturally.

d. Quote of the Week, and the quote for all weeks, comes from Adam Greenberg, after his strikeout against R.A. Dickey of the Mets, in his celebrated at-bat for the Marlins the other night, the at-bat that took seven years to materialize. "I don't care what's gone on the last seven years. It's all worth it for this moment. It's going to last for an eternity for me.''

My only issue with this at-bat, and this is typical Marlins behavior, is they had Greenberg not only bat against one of the best pitchers in the National League, but one of the best pitchers in the National League who throws a knuckleball. Give the guy a fighting chance at the plate, won't you?

e. Runner-up for baseball quote of the week goes to the departing Chipper Jones, after he made an important error in the Braves' Wild Card loss to St. Louis Friday: "My heart is broken. Not for me, but for my teammates, my coaching staff and these fans who have been so great to us this year.''

f. There's a guy baseball will miss.

Yep. I had ignored it all year, but it is going to be very weird not seeing #10 standing at third base (or on the bench nursing an injury) squinting and talking out the side of his mouth. I think he was out in his final at-bat because Aaron Craig had stepped on the bag at first before Chipper did, but no way the umpire was calling Chipper out to end the game and his career, especially after that infield fly rule was called.

Talk about a tough situation for an umpire. On a bang-bang play is he really calling Chipper Jones out at first base to end Chipper's career, eliminate the Braves from the playoffs, and there be a 5% chance Chipper was safe? No way. He was out and I'm glad the Braves complete ineffectiveness with runners in scoring position meant this call didn't change the game.

h. He makes a good case. I would still probably vote for Cabrera, whose team made the playoffs while Trout's did not, and who volunteered to move from first to third so the Tigers could sign Prince Fielder, meaning that I think there should be an asterisk next to his fielding statistics. But it's very close, and I see the Trout side more clearly because of Pete's explanation.

Let's not act like Miguel Cabrera was an excellent first baseman either. There is no need for an asterisk because even if Cabrera was playing first base he wouldn't have nearly been the fielder that Trout is.

i. So what was a worse call -- the Golden Tate touchdown by the replacement side judge in Seattle two weeks ago, or the infield-fly rule call Friday night in Atlanta? I say Golden Tate. In the baseball call, by the wording of the rule, the shortstop could have caught the ball by making "ordinary effort,'' as the baseball rule states. We see shortstops making that sort of play nightly in baseball. Maybe three times a night. Does the left fielder call him off sometimes? Yes. But that play is an ordinary baseball play, even if it's 50 feet behind where the shortstop might normally play.

One major issue with Peter's line of thought...if this type of play happens three times in a night, then how come there is rarely an infield-fly rule called? I've never seen an infield-fly rule called at that spot in the outfield. I say this as a fan of baseball, not a Braves fan. So even if Peter is right it was an ordinary effort, I still don't think the infield-fly rule was the correct call. The purpose of the infield-fly rule was betrayed by the lateness of the call and depth of the fly ball. Even if the umpire made the infield-fly rule call as soon as he believed it qualified, the ball was already on the way down. Once the ball is on the way down, the umpire should not make a call because it is unfair to the fielder and the runners. The infield-fly rule is intended to protect the defense from getting an easy double play. In that situation if Holliday or Pete Kozma had caught the ball, there was very little chance of a double play in that situation. In fact, I would submit it would have taken "ordinary effort" (see what I did there) to even get one out in that situation since the Braves runners were already part of the way to their next base and the ball was so deep in the outfield.

So even if the call was correct in regard to "ordinary effort," which I don't believe it was, the infield-field fly was called too late and there was no chance of the Cardinals dropping the ball and getting a double play. Infield-fly rule is never called in that situation. Just so Peter knows, since he apparently fashions himself a baseball expert, in certain baseball parks like Fenway Park that ball is a lazy fly to left field. So his whole explanation doesn't make sense to me because whether it is an "ordinary effort" play or not depends on the park the game is being played in as well. I think infield-fly rule needs to be called in the infield or near the edge of the infield. Obviously there is no rule saying this has to be done, but I would hope common sense tells us what is a lazy fly ball in one stadium can be a Texas Leaguer in another stadium. For me, that ball was too deep in the outfield and the very purpose of the rule (to protect the runners) was betrayed by the depth of the fly ball and the timing of the umpire's call.

This call wasn't what lost the game for the Braves. It didn't help of course, but they lost the game with their errors and terrible situational hitting.

I wouldn't have blamed the ump if he didn't make the call, but I don't think -- as the rule is written -- that it was a bad call.

If it wasn't a bad call, then it was a call that is never made at that point in the outfield.

m. Of course I watched the presidential debate. But I've told my editors I wouldn't be throwing out any partisan or non-partisan opinions on the race. Sorry. I know how many of you look forward to my well-informed take on politics.

We all know, now that Peter has said he won't give an opinion on politics, Peter is immediately going to give his opinion on politics.

n. So would I be allowed to say that the annual cost to every man, woman and child in the United States for PBS is $1.35, or should I keep that to myself?

I get it! Peter is asking a question as to whether he should ask a question, but by asking the question on whether he should ask the question he is really asking the question he wants to ask. Creative!

s. No desire to see the final days of The Office. Not even DVRing it. Am I wrong?

Wrong? Yes, you are wrong about quite a few things. Wrong about not DVRing "The Office?" That's up to you.

The Adieu Haiku

Hoosierville drama:
Legend grows for Mr. Luck.
He won one for Chuck.

Who requested Peter end each MMQB with a haiku? This person needs to be hanged. 

10 comments Since It Didn't Suck Enough Live, Let's Review Some Choking with a Bill Simmons Running Diary

So we all understand the baseball games Wednesday night were awesome and shitty at the same time. There was one guarantee coming out of this though. Win or lose, Bill Simmons would do a running diary or a column about, not the baseball games that night, but the Red Sox game that night. That's really the only way the "Sports Guy" will actually talk about baseball. The "Boston Sports Guy" will talk sports in the realm of how it affects the Red Sox. There is no pennant race if the Red Sox aren't in it. Think I'm full of shit? Last year was a great example. There was no pennant race column because the Red Sox weren't in a race for a playoff spot. It's Bill's column so he can do whatever he wants, but baseball is slowly becoming like hockey for Bill. It's only talked about in the context of his favorite team and if his team isn't in the playoffs, he ignores the sport completely. So that leaves us with a running diary of Wednesday night, which will probably be the last mention of baseball from Bill Simmons this year.

Before we get to Bill...how great was this? Dan Shaughnessy, you have failed. Look for him to write a book about this and then put some more rouge on those rosy cheeks of his for television interviews about the new fake curse he created.

One other thing, one part of this post on the Big Lead sort of irritated me.

The Phillies eventually took care of business in the 13th inning. The bright side? Does this unfortunate turn of events really bother anyone in Atlanta? The answer is most likely no, which is exactly why you aren’t cackling at them nearly as much.

Simply because Braves fans aren't yelling annoyingly loud, have widely known sportswriters putting it in everyone's heads how above everyone else our fan base is, and aren't located in Northeast doesn't mean Braves fans don't care. We do, even if the shitty fans actually living in Atlanta can't seem to show up for games. So yes, the unfortunate turn of events really does bother people in Atlanta. Maybe one day Braves fans will get their very own loudmouth sportswriters to get in the public eye and skew the public's opinion of the team to obnoxiously reinforce the idea we care, but I hope that day never comes.

I was paying for groceries in Los Angeles while wearing my trusty Tim Wakefield no. 49 T-shirt jersey. From behind me, I heard a raspy, older, female voice ask me, "You guys gonna win today?"

I turned around. The voice belonged to Amy Madigan, the actress who played Kevin Costner's wife in Field of Dreams.

First off, this is yet again another story Bill tells us to convey the idea he lives in Hollywood and rubs shoulders with celebrities all the time. If this hasn't been made clear enough at this point then you haven't read any other column/mailbag Bill has written where he name-drops celebrities or "insider" celebrity stories as much as possible.

Second, I am not sure I believe this story. It just seems too perfect for him to run into the lead actress from "Field of Dreams."

"Who's pitching?" she asked.

"Lester today. Tomorrow, I don't know. Might be Kevin Costner."

She thought this was funny.

Well of course she thought this was funny! Bill is a really funny guy and he has celebrities who laugh at him as proof of this. Bill HAS to add that she thought this was funny, because he always wants his readers to know he is the funniest, most clever guy in the room at all times. Bill's ego will have it no other way. So despite the fact whether she thought of this comment is funny or not is relevant to the story (which it isn't and he made a similar joke on Twitter that same day), he has to add this in to the story so people who read his column know that a celebrity thinks Bill Simmons is funny. It basically just reinforces how funny Bill already knows he is.

That's what you do when your baseball season is falling apart: you search for signs … any signs, anything that means anything.

No, this is what you do when you don't have a real job and have time to think of this shit. Everyone else goes home, eats with their family and then watches baseball games hoping their team wins quickly enough so they can get some sleep and won't wake up tired.

The Red Sox hit that point about two weeks ago, midway through their improbable swoon, as they kept trotting out the Lackeys, Wakefields and Weilands with everyone thinking, "Wait, we don't have ANY other options?"

Do you know what other teams were thinking this? Every other team in Major League Baseball, except the options these teams didn't like were mostly retreads or rookies and not high-priced free agent acquisitions and 200 game winners. I do understand Wakefield and Lackey pitched poorly, but let's get some perspective.

As a fan of the Braves, a team that had a rotation comprised of three rookie pitchers during the month of September it is hard to feel sorry for Bill that Lackey and Wakefield were in the rotation. The Braves had their own John Lackey and his name was Derek Lowe and he was the #2 starter. It's just one of those things some teams have to deal with, having crappy guys in the rotation. Bill needs to drop the pity-party about the starting rotation. I understand the Red Sox had injuries, but nearly every MLB team (outside of the Phillies) doesn't completely love their rotation during the month of September.

It's been a surreal month for Red Sox fans: Our pre-2004 DNA told us to react the way we always did (total panic, woe-is-us complex, the whole thing); our post-2007 DNA told us, "You won twice, keep it in perspective, this isn't life or death, other teams have it worse";

Guess which DNA won for Bill? That would be 2004-DNA.

our sports-fan DNA told us, "You just spent the past six months watching a team that's probably going to kick you in the teeth … hard. It's coming."

Yeah but every single MLB team kicks their fan base in the teeth at some point during the season, except for the eventual World Series champion. I think it is safe to assume the fans of the World Series champion don't feel like they have been kicked in the teeth at the end of the season.

When Bill wrote this column it sure didn't feel like he was prepared to be kicked in teeth. This was a pretty tough collapse to handle, I will give him that, but if Bill paid attention to the rest of the playoffs this year he would see seven other fan bases about to be kicked in the teeth as well.

I ended up at my friend Daniel's house to watch Sox-Orioles and Rays-Yankees. And yes, I kept a running diary. Here's what transpired.

Madness is what transpired! Pure madness!

4:02 — A month ago, Ryan Lavarnway was in Triple-A. As recently as 48 hours ago, he wasn't playing. Today, in Game 162, with a playoff spot on the line? He's catching and batting fifth. Somehow, I'm fine with this. I can't think of anyone else I'd bat fifth. Welcome to the 2011 Red Sox season.

Lavarnway wasn't good at all, but the Red Sox still had two MVP candidates in the lineup. Let's keep this in mind.

4:07 — As the camera pans the Red Sox players standing for the national anthem, we see one blond-haired guy, and Daniel says, "Who's that?" Neither of us have any idea. Again, welcome to the 2011 Red Sox season.

Bill’s ignorance of who this blond-haired guy may be is not an indication that he doesn’t follow the Red Sox closely enough, but is a sign this player is irrelevant and probably not good at baseball. Once again, if Bill Simmons doesn’t know of you, then that makes you irrelevant to the world as a whole. Bill’s ignorance of a topic speaks to the irrelevance of that topic and is never a reflection on Bill’s own ignorance nor a reflection on how this ignorance on Bill's part is his own fault.

By the way, if you had explained to me as recently as 10 years ago that I'd be living in California and rooting for the Yankees on an iPad, I would have assumed that I was on the lam for a crime and doing whatever it took to survive.

Then Bill would say, “So I am living in California? Does this mean I know celebrities on a first name basis? If so, who are they?”

4:22 — Red Sox killer Robert Andino leads off for the Orioles as Daniel hisses, "That's just an eff you move by Showalter." Lester strikes him out. I've had Andino on my AL Keeper Team all season — he's a homeless man's Ben Zobrist. There's no better candidate to ruin the 2011 Red Sox season and join the Bucky Dent/Enos Slaughter/Aaron Boone group. He's the odds-on favorite.

There is no way, okay maybe there is a 10% chance, that Bill really wrote Robert Andino was the odds-on favorite to ruin the 2011 Red Sox season. He most likely wrote this in after the running diary was finished in order to make himself look smart. I see this simply because Bill probably only knows Andino from his AL Keeper Team and probably hasn’t paid very much attention to him this year. Just like I believe Bill writes some of the mailbag questions himself, I also believe he will go back and edit his running diaries to take out predictions or comments that make him sound stupid and replaces them with comments that make him look smarter.

That’s really one of the big drawbacks of a running diary. You have to trust your author not to edit too much of what he says in order to get some authenticity out of it. Otherwise, the author can make himself sound really smart if he wants to.

4:25 — J.J. Hardy's surprisingly good season (30 homers) inadvertently inspires Daniel and me to discuss whether we'd take HGH if we were baseball players. I decide that I wouldn't take it until I started slipping in my mid-30s, and then I'd start popping them like Pez.

This is awkward then. Bill, you are past your mid-30s and you have been slipping for a few years now. Better start retroactively popping them like Pez.

4:41 — Lester gets a long fly ball out from Baltimore's Secretly Scary Guy (Matt Wieters),

It’s not really a secret that Wieters is a scary guy. He’s a 25 year old catcher who hit .262/.328/.450 with 22 home runs and 68 RBI’s and it feels like he struggled to get those numbers. Basically, his ability is a lot higher than his numbers currently reflect.

then gives up an infield single to Baltimore's Openly Scary Guy (Adam Jones)

You mean the guy who hit .280/.319/.466 with 25 home runs and 83 RBI’s this year? It sure seems like the openly scary guy and the secretly scary guy have similar numbers. I wonder why one is secretly scary while the other is openly scary? I’m guessing it is because Bill just chooses to label them this way based on the three Orioles games he watched this year.

I feel as bad for Crawford as you can feel for someone who's worth nine figures…I still feel like Crawford could redeem himself someday — maybe even during these next five weeks. I'm rooting for him.

(Please, Lord, don't let that paragraph be thrown back in my face.)

And what do you know? This paragraph got thrown back in Bill’s face when Crawford couldn’t catch a fly ball at the end of the game. It’s almost like Bill wrote that last sentence in parenthesis AFTER the game was over. He’d never do that though, would he?

4:49 — Back-to-back singles by Ellsbury and Pedroia. 1-0, Red Sox, nobody out, David Ortiz up. Semirelated: I wish Ortiz named his different beards with monikers like "Insignia" and "Macarena." For tonight he shaved his mustache, shaved the left and right sides over his chin, but kept every other part of the beard and connected the soul patch to it. It would have been so much easier if I could have just told you, "Tonight Ortiz is wearing Insignia," right?

I try to be fair. I think this is a pretty good idea.

God forbid Lester or Beckett have one "Come on, fellas, everyone get on my back!" start these last three weeks.

These two guys did look pretty terrible over the last three weeks. Perhaps, and I am just eyeballing this, the reason the Red Sox struggled down the stretch isn’t because of Terry Francona (the horror he may not be at fault) and could be because few of the Red Sox pitchers pitched well during that time?

I know! It’s crazy to think about, but what if the players got most of the blame instead of Theo Epstein or Terry Francona?

5:22 — If you're looking for a guy to end innings by getting thrown out by three steps on bizarrely timed steals of second base, look no further than Mike Aviles. The good news: It's still 5-0 in Tampa.

The Red Sox got a .317/.340/.436 line out of Aviles (he hit .222/.261/.395 in Kansas City) and Bill isn’t happy because Aviles got caught stealing twice in six attempts. This further proves that Bill has no shame and will complain about any player on the Red Sox team even based on one play.

And is anyone more unstoppable than Mark Teixeira in Game 162, when the Yanks clinched the division a week ago?

I laughed at this. Bill has a point, even if he doesn’t know it. I got to watch Tex for a full year in Atlanta and he seemed like he was great at hitting the home run that put his team up 4-1 when it was already a 3-1 game (Of course, I would have loved for a Braves player to put the Braves up 4-1 Wednesday night, but that would ruin my point that Tex isn’t clutch so please don’t point this out). Tex is the best second-best player on a team in the majors. He’ll never be “the guy” on a great team, but he will always be the best second-best player on a great team.

Does it seem like a cheap shot to mention Tex's career line in the playoffs is .214/.320/.330 with 26 strikeouts in 122 plate appearances? I know this is a small sample size, but I feel like he gets off easy sometimes when discussing players who need to step up in the playoffs.

6:05 — I always love hearing the kicking Boston accents during the local NESN commercials (like the creepy Jordan's Furniture guy just now). It's too bad you can't pick the accents for commercials the same way you can manipulate the SAP button. I'd go with "Rhode Island" and maybe even blend "Chicago" in there every few weeks to mix it up.

Again, not a terrible joke. Bill's sort of on a roll. I’m a tough critic, but I would love this SAP-type button on my remote.

6:15 — Either Lester (87 pitches) just pitched around Wieters, or he can't find the plate anymore. Third and first, two outs, Adam Jones up. This goes beyond tense. Lester is laboring. Everyone on the Red Sox looks like a college kid whose girlfriend just told him, "We have to talk, I did something dumb last night."

And we’re back to typical Bill Simmons throwing out analogies that “speak to the average sports fan,” but are also vaguely sexist. Assuming "the average sports fan" dated a woman who cheated on him during college because she’s like most women and just a super huge whore.

7:18 — Bases loaded, no outs, Yankees winning by six, bottom of the eighth, Michael Kay saying, "The Yankees have used nine pitchers tonight, there's really nobody else available other than Scott Proctor,"

Having gone through the Scott Proctor Experience this year to the tune of a 6.44 ERA and 1.71 WHIP with the Braves, I have sympathy. He gave the Yankees a 9.00 ERA and 2.82 WHIP, which brings me to the question of "Why the hell Scott Proctor still has a job in the majors?"

At this point in the game, it would have been better to skip Proctor entirely and then throw in a utility guy or Jorge Posada (what the hell else does he have to do? Can he go from DH to pitcher? I should check the rulebook on that) to pitch for the Yankees. He could not be any worse than Scott Proctor has been since 2008. Proctor's arm injuries were a sign that he refused to heed. The sign was telling him he needs to take all the money he made in baseball and go find another career. He didn't listen and the Red Sox suffered.

By the way, Scott Proctor has pissed off three franchises this season. Atlanta, New York and Boston. What else can be expected of him? That's what he does. The best part is the playoffs aren't over. Somehow, I bet he manages to piss off a fourth team.

I apologize for the rant, I’m still scarred by the Scott Proctor Experience.

7:39 — Somebody named Greg Golson flies out to end the top of the ninth — he looks like one of the fake Yankees who played against Billy Chapel's team in For Love of the Game. He might be an actor. I'm not even kidding.

Of course, please remember the fact Bill can’t recognize this player shouldn’t be a big deal since he couldn’t recognize one of the Red Sox players earlier in this running diary.

Let's add this to the "What the hell was Terry Francona doing this month?????" files no matter how this turns out.

I still don’t get the Francona/Red Sox separation. The whole “team chemistry” issue is bullshit because winning creates good chemistry. A manager is a player’s manager until the team starts losing in which case he runs too loose of a ship. A manager is a detail-oriented manager until the team starts losing in which case he is too overbearing and criticizes players for small mistakes. Maybe Francona didn’t do the best job in the clubhouse this year, but if the Red Sox pitchers didn’t pitch well in September and there weren’t injuries to the team then he would still be the manager. Maybe I don’t have my hand on the pulse of the issue but it seems to me like this a bit of an overreaction on both Francona and the Red Sox part.

8:02 — Here's all you need to know about tonight, this month and this season: I'm PETRIFIED of Robert Andino right now.

The odds are 95% now that Bill wrote this part of the running diary after the game was over in order to make himself sound smarter.

Although I'd still vote for Justin Verlander. It's hard to think of anyone being an MVP on a .500 team (Toronto) or a team that choked so memorably in September (Boston).

It’s not hard to think of someone as the MVP when on a .500 team or a team that choked in September. In fact, in the guidelines on how to vote for MVP it specifically states to ignore where that player’s team finished the season. It is fun to think otherwise though.

If there was an MVP to be given out this year, it was the NBA Finals MVP — you know, for that September streak when the Red Sox won six of 24 games.

I get it! Because Kobe Bryant went 6-for-24 in Game 7 of the 2010 NBA Finals against the Celtics!

The first 50 times Bill told this joke it wasn’t funny. Now it is just getting annoying. You lost, Bill. The MVP was also decided on the other six games in that series as well. But Bill’s non-funny joke based on a small sample size of one game just keeps getting less funny.

8:42 — The Braves are done. Lost in the 13th. I was afraid to mention them — they're like our co-Kings of Kollapse.

Bill also forgot to mention the Braves because he really hasn’t watched a single National League game this year and all. Since that’s the inferior league in MLB. I wish Bill could be completely honest. He watches MLB when the Red Sox are good and he only watches Red Sox games. He couldn’t tell you the best pitcher on the Arizona Diamondbacks’ pitching staff. Hey, and this is fine. He just shouldn’t call himself “the Sports Guy,” and go back to the moniker “the Boston Sports Guy.”

"Daddy needs another drink," Daniel says. That's going to be the title of my 2011 Red Sox book.

8:53 — Chris Davis keeps Baltimore alive with a double down the line, then Golson gets tagged out for the Yanks on a grounder to third (second and first, one out). And just like that, everything flipped. I can't wait to write about this in more detail this winter when I'm writing Daddy Needs Another Drink.

And Bill Simmons has co-opted his friend’s idea. Now, if Daniel was just a normal reader who wrote into Bill’s mailbag, then Bill would point out there is already a book called “Daddy Needs a Drink” and then try to improve on the reader’s idea so Bill could be the most creative guy in the room. Since Daniel is Bill’s friend, then Bill is fine with him having a creative idea, but Bill will have to steal it.

9:02 — Andino rips a single to left, Crawford dives for it, should catch it, seems like he's going to catch it … can't catch it.

Andino is the same guy Bill was worried about hurting the Red Sox earlier in this very mailbag!

They disintegrated over an entire month, day after day after day. You can't even explain how brutal they were unless you followed the free fall firsthand.

THIS COLLAPSE CAUSES THE WORST FEELING ANY TEAM HAS EVER FELT IN ANY SPORT EVER! MY SADNESS IS MORE SAD THAN YOUR SADNESS BECAUSE I CARE MORE!

I think I can imagine the feeling of losing a 9 game lead in early September.

If the 2004 Red Sox distinguished themselves by everyone chipping in, the 2011 Red Sox distinguished themselves by chipping out.

There we go. I knew we would get a 2004 Red Sox comparison at some point.

They choked away Game 162 by getting three guys thrown out on the basepaths, by blowing a 3-2 lead in the ninth, by botching a season-deciding fly ball, by letting Chris Davis, Nolan Reimold and Robert Andino

But Andino is like a poor man’s Ben Zobrist. Again, notice Bill’s use of italics for emphasis. I just noticed how he uses these italics and I have to say I love it.

This was a mercy killing. At least that's what I will keep telling myself. The 2011 Red Sox needed to go away.

I guess you could say the Red Sox didn't even deserve to make the playoffs even if they had made the playoffs?