TMQ Breaks Down the Draft Using Inaccuracy and Idiocy As a Guide

I want to go ahead and get this out of the way, but with a caveat of course. Bill Simmons was right, the Chicago Bulls-Boston Celtics series is shaping up to be a classic first round series. So he is right about that, but it still doesn't explain why he predicted the series would be won by Boston in 5 games before the series began. So basically he didn't really predict the series would be great, he more observed that it was a great series after it began. Also, the Celtics seemed to do pretty well last night without the key to the series, Ray Allen, who fouled out with 4 minutes left, and the "tired" Paul Pierce hit all five of his last shots in regulation and OT. So Bill was right about the series being a classic, after the series began of course so he was not really "right" he was just able to observe it and then write it down. Also, Ray Allen is not the only Celtic player who is the key to the series and Rondo only did only one thing last night that was something (arguably) no other player in the NBA could do, which was a layup over/around Derrick Rose (I think) to pull the Celtics within two points...I would argue another player could have done that as well or perhaps dunked it but I won't. On to TMQ...

As much as I claim that I hate TMQ, because everytime I read the articles I get frustrated and wish that it would go away, I do miss it when Gregg does not write his weekly contribution to the idiocy of American journalism. Such is the life of mine. I spend most of my time wishing bad journalists to go away, but if they actually left I don't know exactly what I would write about every day. Today Gregg breaks down the NFL Draft in his own special way, which means we get to read a whole new column from a guy who barely seems to understand the basic concepts of football...and this person feels the need to second guess decisions made in the NFL Draft as if he were in fact an expert.

As Tuesday Morning Quarterback endlessly cautions, there is no law of nature that says the NFL must remain popular.

But we don't want to find the NFL saturation point. Better never to know. To tamper with the current super-successful NFL formula is asking for trouble. The current formula is exciting and profitable. Let's leave matters as they are.

I always enjoy it when Gregg and I can start off agreeing with each other. This will be the first, last, and only time we will agree with each other.

What if Godzilla gets laid off? He'll be in a foul mood and take out his frustrations on Tokyo. If the "Cloverfield" sequel gets canceled for cost-cutting reasons, that monster could end up as some kind of juvenile delinquent, staying out all hours, associating with the wrong kinds of creatures. King Kong, Mothra, the Blob -- none of them has the right résumé for globalization, either. Imagine a couple of unemployed movie monsters bumping into each other in a studio lot:

PREDATOR: Wassup 'Zilla? Got a gig?

GODZILLA: I would rather not talk about it.

PREDATOR: Any residuals checks come in lately?

GODZILLA: I said, I don't want to talk about it! (Smashes skyscraper.)

(sound of crickets chirping)

The Cardinals failed to move Anquan Boldin, who complains so much, why would anyone want to trade for him? Boldin has been complaining about his contract for two years and about supposed slights from the Arizona coaching staff for nearly as long.

To be fair, Boldin signed an incredibly team friendly contract extension for 4 years at about $24 million and then the Cardinals signed Larry Fitzgerald to a 4 year $40 million dollar contract extension in 2007 after re-negotiating his rookie contract that was just signed in 2004. Boldin is making almost half the money that Fitzgerald is making and he is not half the receiver that Fitzgerald is. Yes, Boldin has whined about the contract a lot, but other than that he has been a great receiver.

His constant complaining surely is why other teams haven't shown more enthusiasm about obtaining his services -- thus preventing Boldin from getting the new contract he wants.

Sure, Gregg that is the one reason he hasn't gotten traded...that and the Cardinals reportedly want a 1st round pick and possibly more for him. Teams never trade for players who complain about their contract in the NFL...the only exception to this rule is every team in the NFL will do this. Productions trumps a player being a problem child. If a player can be productive, a team will trade for him, no matter how annoying he is. Well, until he is progressively more annoying over a long period of time, but Boldin has not reached that level yet.

Atlanta. The Falcons traded for Tony Gonzalez and only had to surrender a draft choice in 2010 -- TMQ is still trying to figure out how they got away with that.

This is why I think Gregg knows absolutely nothing about the NFL. The reason Atlanta "got away with that" is because they traded a 2nd round pick for a 33 year old tight end. Granted, they received one of the best tight ends in NFL history but a 2nd round pick is pretty high compensation for a tight end that will only play at a high level for 3 more years. (Now watch, Gonzalez be catching TD's well into his upper 30's and have 23 TD receptions against the Panthers)

I like this trade for Atlanta, but Gregg you fucktard, they gave up a 2nd round pick for him, that's how they did it.

I love how Gregg has not noticed that Gonzalez did his fair amount of bitching to get out of Kansas City...then he would take it back...then he would bitch again. Really, why does he get to write a column for ESPN, that's my main complaint? Gonzalez has been complaining about the direction of the franchise for a couple of years, I would think under Gregg's "Boldin" theory no one would want to trade for a guy like Gonzalez who complains.

Atlanta could well go into 2009 as the NFC favorite, and this is the team many touts picked to be the NFL's worst last season.

What the hell are "touts?" He refers to this repeatedly and I have no idea what/who they are.

Oher joins a strong Baltimore roster, and may not be expected to start in 2009. It's possible no Baltimore draft choices will start in the fall, a sign of the team's overall strength.

It could also be a sign the team had very few draft choices, made incredibly bad draft choices, that the coaching staff prefers not to start rookies at the beginning of the year until they adjust to the speed of the NFL or it could be for many other reasons. Just assuming the draft choices don't start because the team is good is a fallacy in reasoning.

Note that after the Bills gave major-money free-agent contracts in past years to offensive linemen Derrick Dockery and Langston Walker, both of whom are average performers, they refused to make a big-money offer to Pro Bowl left tackle Jason Peters, now traded to Philadelphia. Common thread? Dockery and Walker were high draft selections, Peters was undrafted. So it's not just agents who assume that high-drafted players should be paid more; apparently management assumes this, too.

Langston Walker was drafted in the late part of the second round and Derrick Dockery was drafted in the 3rd round, I would not call them both "high draft selections" at all. What's the common thread in Gregg's TMQ? Lack of research on his part looking into what the hell he is talking about.

Jason Peters was undrafted as a tight end out of college. He was converted to LT by the Bills. Management does not assume Peters should be paid less because he is not a high draft pick, he wanted more money than they were willing to pay, especially after the Walker and Dockery debacles, so they traded him for a first round draft pick.

If Peters' name was Tony Gonzalez, Gregg would be wondering how the Bills got a 1st round and 4th round pick for a guy who gave up 11.5 sacks last year and pouted his way through the season last year due to a contract squabble. (See, how I just combined the Boldin and Gonzalez situation into the Peters situation? Gregg should be amazed Jason Peters got a new contract AND he should be amazed how much the Bills got for him)

Though already possessing one of the league's top fullbacks in Brad Hoover,

He has made zero Pro Bowls and no notable career achievements on his wikipedia page. (Pro Bowls mean nothing but Gregg's statement is completely arguable...personally I fucking love Hoover but I try to be objective)

Carolina spent a fourth-round selection on Tony Fiammetta of Syracuse, viewed as the best fullback in the draft. When was the last time an NFL team was overstocked at fullback?

When that team has a fullback that is 33 years old in November and there is no other viable backup on the roster.

TMQ fears the gruntled Jay Cutler is overrated.

Based on what?????????? The fact he doesn't have a great career win-loss record? If so, you should be smacked.

Smith was suspended for his final game at Alabama, then got mad and walked out at the combine, then showed up for his Pro Day out of shape. A perfect fit for the Cincinnati program!

They don't call them "programs" when it is an NFL team. This is just one more thing about the NFL that Gregg doesn't understand.

Actually, I think Gregg writes from the point of view of the fan more than Bill Simmons does, except Gregg's fan perspective is the lazy fan who tends to make random fucking observations as statements of fact based on his misunderstanding of the NFL.

Those extra choices were burning a hole in the Cursors' pocket, however, as Denver traded a first-round choice in 2010 for a second-round choice Saturday. Touts think next year's draft class will be better than this year's, so the trade was mildly puzzling -- same for Carolina trading its 2010 first-round choice for a 2009 second-rounder.

Who the hell is "touts?" Also, as Rulebook (I believe) has told us and Gregg should probably know since he writes for ESPN and all, a second round draft choice this year is equivalent to a first round draft choice this year. Also, Carolina received a 4th round pick in the trade and Denver still has a first round pick next year, so it is not like Carolina traded the 2nd round pick for the 1st round pick straight up or Denver doesn't have a 1st round pick next year.

I am not sure how "touts" know that next year's draft class will be better than this year's draft class, that sounds like pure speculation, much like saying Alphonso Smith will not be better than a 1st round pick available to the Broncos next year.

Lydell Mitchell and Franco Harris notwithstanding, TMQ has always been suspicious of college teammates at the same position drafted high into the NFL, because there's the possibility they made each other look better.

I would wonder why exactly TMQ is suspicious of this but really there is no reason, Gregg is just making things up right now. I think T.J. Houshmanzedah and Chad Johnson have done fairly well in the NFL. They both went to college together and have played games without the other in the lineup for the Bengals. Actually for better proof, Chad Johnson even played in junior college with Steve Smith, and each seems to have done pretty well for himself without the other around. I would like to know the list of players who played together in college that TMQ is suspicious of, but really TMQ doesn't know of any examples of why he should be suspicious so we won't get one.

If USC's linebackers were that good, how come the Trojans lost at Oregon State?

This said Oregon the first time I read this article but ESPN fixed it. I think it would have been easier to fix in the editing process, but what do I really know?

What the hell does losing one game during the college football season have to do with whether the USC linebackers are any good? Using this messed up logic, the only team in college football that would have good players is Utah. That's like saying, if Peyton Manning so good, how come he never won a National Championship at Tennessee? Or how come Tom Brady never won the Michigan starting QB job if he is such a great quarterback?

If both of BC's defensive tackles deserved to be high NFL draft choices, how did anyone ever run inside on Boston College?

(me getting a headache wondering why this man is so stupid)

Life is not a video game, just because a team has two good players on a starting defensive roster of 11 doesn't mean that team will not get beaten or will always be successful.

The visuals of the original 1960s show were delightfully cheesy -- simple sets, starcruiser models held up by wires, "futuristic" coffee mugs that obviously were Styrofoam cups covered with tin foil. The minimalism of the sets and special effects forced the show to be plot-driven, which is why it was so good. You've already guessed that the upcoming movie is crammed with super-advanced computer-generated battle scenes and superbly detailed sets.

I am sure if the new Star Trek used styrofoam cups covered with tin foil for props that would automatically make the plot of the new movie that much better. Movies do tend to rely on special effects too much sometimes but not relying on special effects doesn't make the movie better, it could very well make the movie cheesier, cheaper and turn off the audience.

But wait, how could fancy Starfleet spaceships have happened before the spare, low-rent Starfleet depicted in the 1960s series?

They are two completely different series with two completely different sets of actors. Is it possible to just let this go?

Yet if time travel were possible, at the instant anyone departed for the past, any changes he or she caused would already be in effect -- since after all, they already occurred long ago. If Romulans interfered with the past when Kirk was a teen, any changes they caused already would have been apparent when the Year 2264 was first depicted in the 1960s original series.

Gregg Easterbrook has to be the absolute most insufferable human being that has ever existed. If you don't understand or don't want to understand the premise, don't watch the movie. It's like he doesn't want to be entertained, he wants everything to make logical, perfect sense all the time.

The Giants have drafted several defensive backs high in the same period. That's a lot of skinny gentlemen. Who's going to man the trenches? Tackle William Beatty, taken in the second round, is the first high-drafted offensive lineman for Jersey/A in five years.

Well, they don't really need a new offensive line considering the one they had last year was intact for every game, were tied for first in rushing yards per game, first in yards per carry average, and had led the Giants to a Super Bowl victory in 2008.

Why draft a position you don't necessarily need?

the Mets' average premium seat is $150, the Yankees' is $500. The Yankees really think their team has three times the appeal of the Mets?

Of all the people in the world who would understand the principle of economics, I would think it would be Gregg Easterbrook. The Yankees don't think their team has three times the appeal of the Mets, they think the Yankees fans will pay three times as much for a ticket to see the Yankees play. It's simple economics and supply-demand. It may be stupid supply-demand, or incorrect supply-demand, but the Yankees did not have a big meeting where they looked at the ticket prices of the Mets in their new stadium and then tried to guess how much more appeal the Yankees had than the Mets.

Touts assume the Dolphins will switch White to slot receiver and kick returner; TMQ thinks he will play quarterback.

Since the Dolphins cut John Beck yesterday, I would say TMQ is correct.

Suppose Chad Pennington starts at quarterback, but White comes in for, say, 10 snaps a game behind center. White can either run or throw -- his passing accuracy is better than you think.

Better than who thinks? I don't understand why Gregg thinks he is telling us all something here. Pat White was a quarterback at WVU for four years, and a very successful quarterback as well, I think his accuracy is pretty good and it really should be.

You get the feeling that if Heyward-Bey had gone in the second round, his chances of a successful NFL career would be higher.

If you get this feeling, you could very well be wrong. Even as a second round pick, Heyward-Bey would have been required to come in and play well his first year in the NFL. His chances of success would only increase if he were not drafted so high as to be relied on early in his career and then he would probably not have as much skill or be blocked by a superior receiver in the lineup. Maybe not, I just like to challenge any stupid assumption that Gregg Easterbrook makes, and this was a stupid assumption.

Texas Tech coach Mike Leach was fuming Saturday night about how various supposed NFL conspiracies prevented Crabtree from going at the very top of the draft, which would have been a feather in Leach's cap. Hey, Crabtree went 10th. This is not chopped liver!

I don't know what it is about Gregg's DNA that forces him to write down things like this that are complete half truths. Mike Leach was upset about Michael Crabtree being seen as a diva and that being the reason he fell in the draft, and not just that Crabtree feel in the draft, but he was really fuming about Graham Harrell not being drafted at all. That was the main focus of his anger.

I don't know if Gregg just intentionally left that part out, did not know that part, or just wanted to write something down that was really only half of the story, but he is kind of misrepresenting exactly why Mike Leach was angry.

The Blue Men Group brain trust must think 2008 was a fluke and Seattle's accustomed winning ways will return in 2009, since they traded their second-round selection to bank a 2010 first-rounder. The transaction was with Denver, which was holding its own 2010 first-rounder plus Chicago's. The Seahawks got Denver's 2010 first-round pick, with Denver keeping Chicago's 2010 first choice. Thus Seattle wagers that Denver will have a worse season than Chicago:

Yes, Gregg this is exactly what this means. Why do I feel like Gregg is learning all of this for the very first time? I constantly feel like he is teaching a class of NFL for Beginners to a classroom full of NFL Intermediates.

Last year at No. 2, Les Mouflons passed on Matt Ryan, an instant star at quarterback;

This fact everyone knows only in retrospect. There are few people who thought Matt Ryan would step in and play as well as he did from Day 1.

Since that contract, Bulger has more interceptions than touchdown passes, while St. Louis would owe him $11 million if waived. This makes the Rams perceive themselves as locked in to Bulger.

Bulger has stunk since signing that extension but if the Rams had drafted Mark Sanchez this year they would have signed him to almost $40 million in guaranteed money and still had to pay Bulger the money he was owed, if they didn't trade him. If the Rams did trade him, then Sanchez would have to start from Day 1, assuming the Rams don't sign another quarterback to start the year. For a team that is rebuilding right now, it is very hard to put that much money into the QB position, so they were not only perceived as locked into Bulger at the QB position, they actually ARE locked into him at that position. They could have traded him and then taken Sanchez, but what team would really want Marc Bulger and his contract?

Remember, at New England, McDaniels worked with Tom Brady, whom no other team wanted, then with Matt Cassel, whom no other team wanted. Now McDaniels has Orton, whom no other team wanted.

Kyle Orton is not exactly the pick of the litter or anything but I don't know how the hell Gregg knows that no other team wanted Orton. He was drafted in the 4th round and the Bears did not offer him in a trade to any other team, at least that I know of. He lasted until the fourth round in the draft but I don't think it is exactly accurate to say no other team in the NFL wanted Orton. The Bears have had his rights since then, so no other team has had a chance to get Orton.

It's blanket statements like this that Gregg Easterbrook makes that just gets my blood boiling.

Going into the 2008 season, the Pittsburgh Steelers were the best team under the radar.

Which is so easy to say after they won the freaking Super Bowl last year. Hindsight makes things so much easier to understand doesn't it?

Going into the 2009 season, the Tennessee Titans are the best team under the radar.

The team with the best record in the AFC last year is the best team under the radar? Only in Gregg's world. Besides there are only 32 teams in the NFL, how far under the radar can any team really be?

Wouldn't it be nice if Redskins management was putting its quarterback into a position to succeed rather than systematically undercutting him!

It would be nice, but that is the state of the NFL today. Those who follow the NFL for more than the purpose of questioning every coach's logical decision understand this. Teams are always looking for better players at the quarterback position. Jay Cutler was undercut by Josh McDaniels, Kellen Clemons was undercut by Rex Ryan, Luke McCown and two other quarterbacks were undercut by Raheem Morris drafting Josh Freeman, and this happens all the time. Just because Washington is right around the corner from where you live doesn't mean it doesn't happen all the time and Washington is the only team that does this.

Last week reader Alec Stais of New York received an e-mail from Radio City Music Hall, urging him to buy tickets now to the 2009 Christmas pageant. Radio City said the tickets were offered for "presale." Isn't a "presale" the same as a "sale"?

Holy crap it is! Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? That doesn't make sense! Life is so wacky, let's write about things like this in a football column some more.

Peter Love of Arlington, Va., writes, "My family and I were watching 'It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown.' The Peanuts gang goes to a department store to get Easter presents for Sally, Peppermint Patty and Marcie. Charlie Brown complains that the store already has its Christmas decorations and merchandise out. There's even a store sign visible in a scene that says, 'Only 246 Days Left Until Christmas.' This special first aired in 1974, so obviously Christmas Creep was an issue back then."

Peter Love of Arlington, Virginia, please do not encourage Gregg Easterbrook to continue his Christmas Creep shit every year. We get it, Christmas comes earlier every year because retail outlets want to sell more stuff. We get it, it's understood, now shut up about it.

"See you in September ..." Actually in August, when the football artificial universe resumes.

I won't be looking forward to it...even though I will be.

Ok, how many egregious, idiotic things that Gregg said did I miss?