8 comments MMQB Review: Peter King Goes Back Down South Edition

Last week we learned that Drew Brees is still grumpy with Roger Goodell over the suspensions due to members of the Saints defense placing bounties on opposing players. It just isn't fair to punish them when they haven't done anything wrong (stomps feet down and runs out of the room). This week it turns out there are comments allowed on Peter's columns (how long has this been happening? Am I just oblivious to everything like this?), Peter continues his camp tours, and checks-in with Terrell Owens...since apparently this is a person we have all been clamoring to be caught up on.

Black crepe paper hangs over the column this morning. Garrett Reid, Andy Reid's oft-troubled 29-year-old son, was found dead in his Lehigh University dorm room at Eagles' training camp Sunday morning.

I have no snarky comments for when someone dies...except for Brett Favre and possibly Backup QB/Punt Protector Jets. I would probably have something snarky to say about them. Otherwise, I feel for Andy Reid and his family.

The Eagles didn't sign Vick because Reid's sons urged their father to do it. But if you know Andy Reid,

Which we all know Andy Reid and know him well of course. His impression of a walrus singing Frank Sinatra songs is just hilarious.

you know he listened to his kids, and their feelings became a piece of a very large puzzle. Three years later, Garrett and Britt have been right on the money on Vick. Small consolation for a family that has to bury a son Tuesday. So sad.

It's a small consolation, or as I would refer to it, "no consolation" that Garrett was right about Mike Vick. At no point in the next few years will Andy Reid take any solace in the fact his son is dead, but was right about taking a chance on Mike Vick. So the correct wording to be used is "no consolation."

Is there a deal in the works for Jonathan Vilma? ESPN reported around midnight Sunday that the NFL has offered Vilma, who's suspended for a year as part of the sanctions against the Saints, a reduction of his ban -- from 16 to eight games if he drops his lawsuit against the league.

When will the NFL stop persecuting the Saints???????????? The NFL is willing to reduce the suspension if Vilma drops the lawsuit against the league. Where is the independent authority the NFL players didn't request in last year's CBA to rule on this case?

Football started last night, and the replacement officials were, at best, shaky...Ref Craig Ochoa got the coin flip wrong. After saying New Orleans won the toss and deferred, he got on his mike and said, "Correction, Arizona won the toss.'' Yikes.

Replacement refs are a bad idea, but in his defense, NFL refs have messed the coin toss up before as well. Maybe Ochoa was nervous. Regardless, the replacement official era in the NFL can't end quickly enough.

How Kyle Williams turned a nightmare upside down.

I meet Williams, who had the two-muffed-punt nightmare in the NFC Championship Game last January, and there's no mistaking his allegiances: He was wearing a Chicago White Sox hat and Jordan T-shirt, and underneath his friendly and respectful exterior, he came across as being Chicago tough.

I don't even know what "Chicago tough means." I feel like this is just a cliche that got randomly thrown in by Peter in order to better describe Kyle Williams as being nice, but still a football player.

The days that followed brought Twitter threats of harm to Williams and his family. (Sound familiar?)

It sounds familiar as to what happens to many athletes when they screw up and the cowards on Twitter start criticizing and threatening the player.

Do they? Loyalty to a well-liked and respected teammate is one thing. But this is a dog-eat-punt-muffer business. I asked Jim Harbaugh: Can you put Kyle Williams back there again to field a big punt?

"We like Kyle Williams; he is one of us,'' Harbaugh said. "The folks who want to continue bringing this up -- this is not going to be a continuing story. It isn't with us. We will not allow the media to hang an albatross around his neck. He is on the inside of the team looking out.''

Of course Ted Ginn will be returning nearly all of the punts this year as long as he is healthy. So it's easy to say it isn't a continuing story because it won't be a story at all as long as Ginn stays healthy.

Matt Leinart is a solid No. 2 at quarterback. I'd be surprised if Terrelle Pryor dents the top two without an injury ...

The good news is the Raiders can get that third round pick they spent on Pryor back, if they could just find the receipt they got when they purchased Pryor in the supplemental draft...

They went around and around trying to figure a way to keep Kamerion Wimbley, but in the end, keeping Wimbley likely would have cost them a more valued player in Tyvon Branch. "The pie's only so big, and I needed to learn about that,'' Allen said. "A head coach in the NFL needs to learn about those things

Honestly, I would hope this is something a head coach would learn before he became a head coach. I feel like the salary cap and what money can be spent on or can't be spent on certain players is something a coach should learn prior to becoming a head coach. What do I know though? I thought giving up a 1st and 2nd round pick for Carson Palmer and giving up a third round pick for Terrelle Pryor were both stupid decisions.

It's unmistakable around here: There is respect for the late Al Davis -- reverence by some. But there's only one Al, and when he died, his way of roster-building and team-operating went with him.

So it turns out you can get rid of stupidity and bad decision-making. You just have to wait for stupidity and bad decision-making to pass away from old age.

Allen's running a high-energy camp. His two most important players, Carson Palmer and Darren McFadden, have bought in.

Palmer says he's never been more excited about a football season in his life,

This sounds like a news-worthy item and doesn't sound at all like a cliche which players would only say before regular season games have started.

Darren McFadden was even going to comment on how excited he was for this upcoming season, but he twisted his ankle coming over to talk to Peter and will miss 4-6 weeks with a broken arm when Palmer tried to grab McFadden's arm to prevent him from falling after twisting his ankle. Then McFadden pulled a muscle getting on the trainer's table and broke his jaw chewing his dinner. He's pretty fragile.

Imagine being Palmer, being told you're definitely not being traded by the Bengals last year, not doing any football training or much throwing after the season started, getting traded on the day of the deadline, and playing an NFL game five days later?

If I imagine I am Carson Palmer and know I all of these things about how great it is to play for the Raiders, can I also imagine I am Carson Palmer and know I acted like a baby in demanding a trade from the Cincinnati Bengals last year?

The Bengals years beat him down, and he didn't play well near the end, and he decided he wasn't going to play football anymore unless the Bengals traded him. Which, finally, they did.

And of course the Bengals were never heard from again, except for when they made the playoffs behind the play of a rookie quarterback.

Palmer told me offensive coordinator Greg Knapp is "a phenomenal teacher, a genius'' (someone call Terrell Owens for comment).

I'LL GO AHEAD AND CALL TERRELL OWENS ABOUT THIS. I HAVE HIS PHONE NUMBER RIGHT HERE!

called back Mike Goodson "shockingly good,''

As someone who has seen Mike Goodson play over the last three years, he fumbles the ball shockingly frequently.

and added, "I know I can play as well as any quarterback in this league.''

And I know I could be an NBA player if I had just tried a little bit harder to work on my skills. Let's just say Carson Palmer and I both have the same odds of our statements being true.

Cameron Wake had 39 sacks in two CFL seasons playing defensive end, which is a major reason the Dolphins aren't worried about Wake's transition from outside linebacker to defensive end as Miami switches from the 3-4 to the 4-3

Because playing defensive end in the CFL and playing defensive end in the NFL are pretty much comparable when considering the level of talent at the offensive line position.

Garrard was very good the day I saw him, throwing well on the run and hitting Wallace on a deep go. And very determined. "I've got a fire in my belly to finish my career the right way,'' said Garrard, released just before the Jacksonville opener last year. Which, by the way, still hurts. "They introduced me at the team luncheon as the starting quarterback, and as soon as we get back after the luncheon I'm told to go see [coach] Jack Del Rio, and he says, 'We feel it's best to go in a different direction.' They threw me under the bus, which I didn't appreciate.''

There are several cliches/word usages that I wish idiot athletes (and regular people as well) would use correctly. The two biggest cliches/word usages that irritate me are as follows:

1. The use of the word "literally" when it is not fucking used as meaning literally.

"My head literally exploded."

No, it did not. If so, your head would be in a thousand pieces on the floor. The use of the word "literally" means it actually occurred, so to use it in a sentence while exaggerating is completely and utterly missing what the word means.

"If we don't win this challenge, we are literally going to be fighting for our lives in this competition."

Unless someone is going to murder you, this is not correct. The word you are looking for is "figuratively." The word "literally" is now being used to show extra emphasis in a sentence rather than to describe what actually may/did occur, which literally annoys me.

2. The use of the phrase "threw me under the bus" when you aren't talking about publicly blaming someone for an incident. David Garrard did not get thrown under the bus by the Jaguars. I recognize he went to East Carolina University and I should only expect a certain amount of literacy from any of their graduates, but if the Jaguars had introduced him at the luncheon as their starting quarterback and then spoke about how all the reasons for the Jaguars failures in the previous season were Garrard's fault and that's why they have to cut him, then that would be "throwing him under the bus."

The Jaguars simply cut him after introducing him at a luncheon. They didn't publicly blame him for anything. This is not throwing anyone under the bus.

I say Schiano's going to be the best of this new lot of head coaches. He coached in the NFL as an assistant, then made the worst program in major-college football (Rutgers) top-25 caliber,

Schiano did a great job with Rutgers, but I would argue with him making Rutgers top-25 caliber during most of his tenure at Rutgers. Schiano was 28-34 in a mostly weak-ish Big East after I kindly throw out his first two years where he went 0-7 in the Big East. He went 8-5 and 9-4 a few years in the Big East. He's a great coach and Rutgers is a tough job, but Rutgers wasn't a perennial Top-25 worthy team. They were a decent team in a pretty weak conference.

Three football nuggets: The $7-million-a-year free-agent wideout, Laurent Robinson, hasn't had a starry first week of camp, but he caught a bullet from Blaine Gabbert on a well-run cross in the Friday scrimmage ...

Wait, so a potential free agent who had never shown the type of success he showed in the year before he hit free agency isn't having a good camp after he signed a big free agent contract? This is unheard of and completely unexpected!

But wise, old Jacksonville scribe Vito Stellino has it crystal-clear correct when he notes that the Jaguars aren't going to prosper, Jones-Drew or no Jones-Drew, unless Gabbert is significantly better than he was last season.

Breaking news: In general, a quarterback has to play well for his team to have success. Spread the word.

What a yappy, infectious practice. If you don't watch much football practice, you'd be surprised at the competition that goes on,

"If" Peter's readers don't watch much football practice among NFL teams. Because most of his readers travel around the country and watch football practices.

For the last four years, Samuel was the mouth that roared in practices and in games for Philadelphia. Now he's the mouth of the south. "Guys see the fun he's having and they can't help but have fun too,'' Weatherspoon said.

Matt Ryan has to hold onto a ball in the pocket too long. Samuel screams: "Coverage sack! Coverage sack! I do it all!"

Then on the very next play the Falcons ran a stretch running play with Michael Turner headed towards Samuel's side of the field and Samuel immediately tucked himself into a ball and started rolling off the field to get out of Turner's way.

So here's our schedule for the week. For all the Bills fans out there (I'll make it up to you; promise) I apologize in advance for missing the Thursday night game and not being able to work the locker room afterward.

"Work the locker room afterward." What does Peter think he is, a stripper or something?

The Hall of Fame induction ceremony Saturday night brought back to the fore the never-ending Canton debates that we can't seem to get enough of. Case in point: My Twitter feed was chock-full of vitriol when I said I haven't supported Denver running back Terrell Davis, despite his 2,008-yard rushing season, Super Bowl MVP, league MVP and amazing seven 100-yard rushing games in eight postseason starts. What about Gale Sayers?

This is the "lowest common denominator" way of looking at why Terrell Davis should be in the Hall of Fame. I'm not saying Gale Sayers didn't deserve Hall of Fame induction, but his career numbers aren't spectacular. So fans of certain players who aren't in the Hall of Fame are going to point to Gale Sayers and his career statistics as why their favorite running back should be in the Hall of Fame.

Terrell Davis vs. Gale Sayers

Career Numbers

Player G Rushes Yards Avg. Rush TDs Rec./Yards/Avg. PR Avg. KR Avg. Ret TDs Gale Sayers 68 991 4,956 5.0 39 112/1,307/11.7 14.5 30.6 8 Terrell Davis 78 1,655 7,607 4.6 60 169/1,280/7.6 -- -- --

Based on these numbers alone, it seems like Terrell Davis has a pretty good argument for making the Hall of Fame. He didn't have the kick return abilities that Sayers had, but otherwise his numbers look pretty good in comparison to Sayers.

My rationale is pretty simple, and it's beyond the salient facts that Sayers had a pretty impressive career for numbers and honors, being named All-Pro five straight years (Davis three) and to the NFL 75th Anniversary All-Time Team in 1995.

Irrelevant. It is possible Davis played in an era with other great running backs (Emmitt Smith), so being named All-Pro was more difficult for him than it was Sayers. This very well may not be true, but to base part of the rationale that Davis should not be in the Hall of Fame on how many All-Pro teams he was named to also brings the other running backs during Davis' era into the discussion. These are the names of the other running backs in the Top 15 in rushing yards during Davis' 2008 yard season in 1998.

Barry Sanders
Emmitt Smith
Marshall Faulk
Eddie George
Curtis Martin
Fred Taylor
Ricky Watters
Jerome Bettis
Robert Smith

I count four Hall of Fame running backs and two guys who may have a decent shot. Davis played in an era with some good running backs, so it could have been harder for him to be named to All-Pro. Sayers also played in a good era for running backs, but to bring in All-Pro teams as a rationale for why Sayers deserves the Hall of Fame and Terrell Davis doesn't is to bring in the other running backs of the era into the discussion as well. When discussing All-Pro teams made, the level of excellence among the other running backs in the NFL at that time has to be mentioned and discussed.

Not to mention, Davis was a rookie in the NFL when the 75th Anniversary Team was named in 1995, so this is really isn't a fair criteria to use in comparing he and Sayers.

Sayers had five outstanding seasons, Davis four (three truly outstanding ones and one very good one).

Davis had more attempts, rushing yards, touchdowns, and nearly as many receiving yards in 1.5 fewer outstanding seasons. He did more in less time.

I look at Sayers and see a transcendent back, one of a kind, whose career was cut short by two knee injuries. I look at Davis and see a terrific back, not one of a kind, whose career was cut short by knee problems as well.

The numbers say Davis was a transcendent back too, just without the return abilities. I am not sure I could vote for Davis into the Hall of Fame, but if you compare him to Sayers then he may have a good shot. I like longevity and excellence over a 9-10 year span for a running back to make the Hall of Fame.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

At one of our hotels in the South the other day, a Marriott TownePlace Suites, there was a breakfast buffet. I'm a Cheerios, Shredded Wheat or oatmeal guy in the morning, preferably with some blueberries or some other berry. No Cheerios. No Shredded Wheat. No oatmeal. No blueberries. No berries of any sort.

There were, however, three kinds of grits: creamy, bacon and a third I don't recall.

They didn't have the exact kind of free breakfast you wanted in the morning? What did the police say about this? Tell me you reported this to hotel management at least. How the hell can a hotel "in the South" (which apparently is a phrase that now is used to cover thousands of miles with no distinction as to what part of the South that Peter was in) take away your privileged existence like this? What makes it worse is "the South" doesn't even have restaurants you can eat breakfast at outside of this one Marriott. "The South" is just a barren wasteland of Ku Klux Klan meetings and tobacco crops being grown. This was Peter's only chance to eat all day.

I wouldn't want Peter to think this privileged Northern existence is any way being affected by having to eat at a free breakfast buffet that doesn't contain the exact sort of food he wants to eat. Has he never been in a social situation where he has been given food he doesn't want to eat or doesn't like? Is Peter a child and he can't make the best of a situation?

5. I think those who saw Sean Payton Saturday night at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony said he appeared happy and had big hugs for Drew Brees and interim coach Joe Vitt. And the lens of Times-Picayune photographer Michael DeMocker shows one other thing: Payton's used his free time while being suspended to work out hard. He's ripped.

This is what happens when your wife and you get a divorce, plus you get suspended from your job. You can spend all of your time working out hard to get in good physical shape for the ladies all while silently venting about how wrong the NFL has truly done you for merely coaching a team that repeatedly broke NFL rules.

The Patriots were interested in acquiring Kellen Winslow from Tampa Bay before the Bucs dealt him to Seattle. I'm told the relationship between Bucs coach Greg Schiano and Bill Belichick had something to do with the deal not getting made with the Patriots. Schiano knew Winslow wouldn't be Belichick's kind of player, and so the Bucs -- who would have been advantaged by sending Winslow to an AFC team instead of the NFC 'Hawks -- made a deal for a conditional seventh-round pick with Seattle.

I also hear New England might have been willing to offer a sixth-round pick for Winslow at one point.

I see Greg Schiano hasn't learned yet that there are no friends in the NFL. Bill Belichick wouldn't think twice about sending a player to Schiano who isn't Schiano's type of player. So to save Bill Belichick from making a bad trade, the same Bill Belichick who has gone to five Super Bowls in just over a decade, Greg Schiano got less value for Winslow and traded him within the Bucs' own conference. Do we really think Belichick would have paid the same courtesy, or even should have paid the same courtesy, to Schiano? It's a competition and sometimes there are no friends.

If I were a Bucs fan, I wouldn't be happy about hearing this. My head coach just took a higher draft pick and traded Winslow into the same conference as Tampa Bay because he didn't want an opposing head coach to trade for a player who isn't "his kind of player."

9. I think the one side note in the Jonathan Vilma settlement talks is that, if he settles and returns this season, by the time he does return, he very well could have lost his job permanently to free agent acquisition Curtis Lofton. That would be pretty awkward.

Almost as awkward as Vilma hitting the free agent market and looking for work after being accused of taking bounties out on opposing players as a Saint. We would probably learn fairly quickly if Drew Brees is right and NFL players are mad at Roger Goodell so they would be happy to have Vilma sign with their team or if some teams/players wouldn't want Vilma wearing their uniform.

d. Michael Phelps should be everyone's hero.

Jay Mariotti would disagree.

e. I just wish I'd gotten to see a couple of his races. I did see Bob Costas' interview with him late Saturday night, and he seems pretty set on retiring. I've pretty much missed the entire Olympics, except I caught that English heptathlete, Jessica Ennis, winning her gold. What a beloved athlete she seems to be in her homeland.

"I have no real insights to give about the Olympics so rather than say nothing, which is not in my nature, I will make a generalized statement."

f. Regarding the Wisconsin Sikh temple shootings that left six dead Sunday: When, oh when, will our leaders in this country lead and do something about gun violence?

If only we had precogs. Where is Tom Cruise when you need him?

h. Coffeenerdness: I'm not denigrating Jacksonville or anything, but I stayed at the Omni Hotel downtown late last week and went down to the lobby in the morning, looking to take a walk to get a coffee. "Where's the nearest Starbucks?'' I asked the parking guy in front. He said the nearest one was a little more than two miles away, and there wasn't one in the city's business district downtown. Amazed, I said, "Any other coffee bars downtown?'' None, the guy said, at least to his knowledge.

Since Jacksonville probably doesn't judge itself as a city based completely upon how many coffee bars it has downtown, I'm not sure I would worry about Jacksonville, which is a city without human emotions, feeling denigrated.

i. An American inner city, without a Starbucks. Now I've heard it all.

Not to mention, there was a Marriott "in the South" without any cereal options AND without any breakfast options in the surrounding area either. Let's just add Jacksonville as part of "the South" since it doesn't seem to have the necessities "real" American cities have, like overpriced coffee bars.

j. Beernerdness: The Beer of the Week (and trust me, there was a lot of competition, particularly from Intuition Brewery in Jacksonville) is Sweetwater 420 Extra Pale Ale, which made me think I was back in Seattle. Really crisp and wonderful on the palate.

For once, Peter and I can absolutely agree. Sweetwater 420 Extra Pale Ale is fantastic. In fact, nearly every Sweetwater beer is fantastic. Peter and I are the bestest of friends now. The only thing that can tear us apart is the other 5000 words he wrote in MMQB.

14 comments Rick Reilly Continues to Flaunt the Fact He Doesn't Care if He Writes Crap, He Gets Paid Regardless

Rick Reilly's contract is up at ESPN in 2013 (I believe). If he was an athlete then his contract would be comparable to the contract Mike Hampton was given by the Rockies. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but a lack of production and ability to live up to the contract has made it an albatross. At least I am not comparing Reilly's contract to Denny Neagle's Rockies contract, since Neagle had a lack of production plus a dalliance with prostitutes that caused him to not be worth the amount he was given. You can't convince me ESPN believes Rick Reilly is worth the money he is paid. There is really format other than in writing they can effectively use him, because he has no real skills outside of 750 word essays. He can't be an analyst and he only uses sports as a sidebar to the syrupy and half-assed junk he likes to write. So if there isn't a syrupy story to be told, Rick seems to have little use. It appears to me that Rick has been flaunting the fact he just doesn't care what he writes anymore. He's getting paid regardless and has enough money to where he doesn't have to write again after 2013.

Today Rick is complaining about the pace of baseball games, which up until now absolutely no one has had the audacity to discuss in a public forum. This topic is certainly not talked out nor has it been shown baseball games last a shorter amount of time than football games tend to last. So Rick is (not) breaking new ground with his complaint about baseball's pace of play. Basically, Rick hates baseball and blames that reason on the slow pace of games. I'm waiting for the day Rick writes a column where he talks about all the expensive things he can afford with the millions ESPN has given him and then tells us he works on average 5-10 hours per week to make this amount of money. I'm sure this column is coming soon.

Things that nobody reads in America today:

Rick Reilly columns?

Kate Upton's resume.

Because she is attractive no one checks her resume! Otherwise, a model needs to have her resume updated before applying for a modeling job...which we all know models apply for a job by bringing in their resume, so this non-funny joke also makes complete sense.

Major League Baseball's "Pace of Play Procedures."

Yes, baseball moves slow. I think the game could speed up in some ways and my life wouldn't be changed dramatically for the worse. Still, if you like baseball the pace probably doesn't annoy you on a nightly basis. NFL games last three hours long and the late games have now been bumped back another 10 minutes. NFL games tend to be longer than MLB games, yet the NFL is the more popular than MLB. So MLB games have a slow pace, but they on average take a shorter amount of time to complete than do NFL games. Maybe popularity of sports isn't directly tied to the pace of the game being played.

It's clear no MLB player or umpire has ever read the procedures, or else how do you explain what I witnessed Sunday, when I sat down to do something really stupid -- watch an entire televised MLB game without the aid of a DVR?

Rick watched one MLB game and has come to the conclusion the games are too long. It's clear Rick doesn't enjoy or watch baseball, so perhaps his opinion is somewhat biased. I'm going to watch one lacrosse match and immediately deduce that lacrosse is the most boring sport in the history of sports and then tell everyone all the major issues that lacrosse currently has...because my inability to enjoy the sport as a whole in no way would affect my analysis of what I consider to be the major issues that sport faces.

Like a Swedish movie, it might have been decent if somebody had cut 90 minutes out of it. I'd rather have watched eyebrows grow. And I should have known better.

Rick Reilly is somewhat renowned for stealing or nearly complete reproducing his old columns and now he is writing an "original" column and linking a previous column where he talked about the exact same subject he discusses in his current column. At this point, he is flaunting the fact he steals or reproduces his old material right in our faces. He's saying, "I'm getting paid to rewrite my old columns and there's nothing you can do about it nor does my employer care to do anything about it."

If I were a writer like Rick Reilly and I was essentially rewriting old columns I wouldn't even have the guts to link the original column in my re-write. Rick Reilly must be more of a man than I am.

Consider: There were 280 pitches thrown and, after 170 of them, the hitter got out of the batter's box and did … absolutely nothing.

Really? If the pace of the game were picked up, then after 170 pitches the batter would get out of the batter's box and do absolutely nothing...just at a brisker pace, perhaps shaving 4-5 seconds per at-bat off the time of the game.

Mostly, hitters delayed the proceedings to kick imaginary dirt off their cleats, meditate, and un-Velcro and re-Velcro their batting gloves,

That does count as "doing something," you know. It may not please Rick, and he may think the players need to hurry up, but this is "doing something" out of the batter's box.

Buster Posey of the Giants, The Man Who Wrecked Your Dinner Reservations,

Then go to the restaurant to meet your dinner reservation time (because God knows we wouldn't want to miss dinner reservations for a regular season baseball game) and follow the score of the game on your iPhone or whatever mobile device you choose to use. Problem solved and crisis averted.

What exactly was he doing in the on-deck circle? His cuticles?

He was devising a plan to ruin your dinner reservations.

I knew I was in trouble in the first inning when the Reds' Brandon Phillips stepped up. My notes on his five-pitch at-bat:

Strike: steps out, examines the trademark of his bat at length.

Ball: steps out, grabs barrel of bat, seems to be talking to it.

Ball: steps out, takes three practice swings, taps corner of batter's box, steps one foot in, taps plate, places other foot in, stretches, fiddles, finally looks at pitcher, calls timeout! Does it all again.

I get frustrated with how pitchers take forever between pitches and wish the umpire would just tell the pitcher to go ahead and pitch if the batter chooses not to enter the batter's box in a timely fashion. It's not going to happen. So fans of baseball can either DVR or TiVo the game and then watch it on fast forward or just deal with it. I deal with it because I don't see the pace of the game being a huge issue for the sport of baseball. Rick Reilly sees the pace of the game as being a huge issue for baseball because he doesn't really like baseball in the first place.

In the NFL, there are usually at least 25-30 seconds between each play. The sport has a faster pace, but a game still takes three hours to complete. So I have come to the conclusion those people, like Rick Reilly, who can't stand the pace of baseball simply don't like the game of baseball. Considering Rick makes it clear he rarely watches baseball, perhaps his opinion of the game's pace is biased by his dislike for the game overall.

By the way, the average number of seconds per pitch this game: 31.34. Thirty-one seconds per pitch? This is not a misprint. Do you realize people can solve an entire Rubik's Cube in 22 seconds?

And Rick Pitino can impregnate a woman in 7-10 seconds! Rimshot!

All of this, of course, is in direct violation of MLB's "Pace of Play Procedures" (hah!), which state: "Umpires will not grant time for batters to step out of the box if to do so would unnecessarily delay the game."

Of course if the umpires did enforce this rule Rick Reilly would have to think of something else concerning the game of baseball to complain about in order to explain why he doesn't like the sport.

Unnecessarily delay the game? The only delay these hitters knew was unnecessary. And when they weren't doing that, the pitchers were lollygagging behind the mound, re-rubbing pre-rubbed baseballs or gazing up to identify cloud animals.

How about you just don't watch baseball if you don't enjoy the game? The game has a slow pace and a lot of people don't mind this. Why does the game have to have a fast pace simply because Rick Reilly prefers a fast pace? Some people prefer the slower pace of a baseball game.

Perhaps Rick should focus on writing his typical column. I'm sure there is a dog with cancer or a little boy who always had a dream that just won't come true somewhere out there which Rick Reilly can Hallmark Channel-up in order to get a column full of forced emotions and manipulative overly-sappy writing that will serve as a substitute for actual, quality sports journalism. If you make people feel sad, that's great writing isn't it?

New rule: Umpires who don't order batters back into the box within 12 seconds -- because the rules state that a pitcher must throw the ball within 12 seconds of receiving it -- will get the room at the hotel next to the newlyweds.

Newer rule: Umpires who don't order batters back into the box within 12 seconds--will have to listen to Rick Reilly tell jokes for two hours AND will be forced to read all of Rick's books cover-to-cover twice a day for a week.

Whoo-eee! That's rich. These guys wandered away from the box like 2-year-olds at a petting zoo. Six times they left the dirt circle around the plate altogether. Left the entire circle!

BUT DID THEY LEAVE THE ENTIRE CIRCLE??? THAT WASN'T CLEAR TO ME IN WHAT YOU SAID!

And by the way, this nonsense about there's only a 2-minute, 10-second TV break between half innings? Bullfeathers. Only once did the break between half innings take 2:10 or less. The rest of the time, it was miles over. The break before the top of the fifth was 4 minutes, 12 seconds! Where did everybody go? Out to feed their meters?

"And what's up with this seventh-inning stretch thing? You can stand up anytime you want during a game. Why does there need to be a specific inning everyone in the crowd stretches? And what's with singing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame?' You are at the ballgame and by the time you sing the song it is too late to buy peanuts or cracker jacks at some vendor stands. Shouldn't you sing that song at the beginning of the game or on the way to the game? Don't even get me started on the bullpen. I looked the entire game and couldn't see one bull the entire game. Why don't they call it a 'human pen?'"

There were more ways to waste time in this game than in a month of teamsters meetings.

Unions are full of lazy people! No wonder baseball has a union!

New rule: Pitchers get two pickoff attempts per runner. For every one after that, the umpire adds a ball to the hitter's count.

I would agree the number of pickoff attempts per runner could be three per batter and that wouldn't hurt my feelings. I realize this isn't a popular rule nor should it necessarily be put in place. I think it is a great idea, but others probably don't share my opinion.

Four times the hitter, after going through his Art Carney routine,

Even Bill Simmons thinks this pop culture reference is too dated.

Five times the catcher called time out to go out to the mound to discuss, what? ObamaCare?

A timely joke that is also hilarious! Rick Reilly columns have everything you look for as long as you aren't looking for originality, the use of humor, insight, creativity, nuance, anything interesting related to sports, in-depth analysis of sports, or one more reason to read ESPN.com.

Four times the pitching coach wanted time. That's 15 timeouts in a game that didn't even have a clock. Can you imagine if Tom Brady could call a timeout anytime he wanted? You'd be in Foxborough long enough to vote.

Tom Brady can call timeout any time he wants. The correct question Rick should pose is "Can you imagine if Tom Brady could call as many timeouts as he wants?" I nitpick because I don't care.

And explain to me why a reliever who's been warming up in the bullpen for five minutes still needs eight pitches to warm up on the mound.

Because he is throwing to a different catcher? Because he is throwing on the playing field pitching mound and not the bullpen mound? Because the catcher probably wants to know which pitches are working well that evening? Because a reliever will often not throw his absolute hardest in the bullpen for the full five minutes, so warming up in the bullpen may not accurately simulate what his pitches are moving like that evening?

Do field goal kickers get eight practice kicks?

Yes, a kicker does get eight practice kicks prior to the game on the same goal posts he will be kicking through during the game. A reliever doesn't get to warm up prior to the game by throwing to the exact same catcher he will be throwing to during the game. I'm sure there are more differences, but this comparison annoys me so much I'm having trouble thinking clearly.

Like tennis grunts, all this crud is just a lot of bad habits that only serve to annoy the very people MLB is supposedly trying to captivate -- the fans. It doesn't sell more TV ads, doesn't get the game done before the kids have to go to bed, doesn't do anything but make your thumb hit the CHNL UP button sooner.

Attendance at baseball games is going up and the sport isn't in popularity decline. So those people who love baseball don't seem too annoyed by the pace of the game. It's clear Rick just doesn't like baseball, so why would MLB do anything to appease him?

This game was mercifully won by the Giants, 4-3, on their last at-bat,

The Giants won the game on their last at-bat? BORING!

when Reds right fielder Jay Bruce botched an easy fly ball.

Three hours and 14 minutes, 170 step-outs, and three double-shot macchiatos for that?

I can understand Rick's frustration. I have read his columns for a while now and it is clear he hasn't had to put more than two hours of work into writing very many of them. To spend three hours watching a sport he hates, well that's just too much work for him to do in one day. Plus, how can he create a sappy, emotionally manipulative narrative from a game which ended on a botched fly ball?

Please, I beg of you, bring on the NFL.

The same NFL that just moved the late games back 10 minutes to 4:25pm? The same NFL which in 2009 had games that were on average longer than MLB games? I would imagine that data hasn't changed drastically over the last three years either. Because Rick Reilly doesn't do any research he fails to understand this, he craves the pace of play of NFL games over MLB games even though NFL games last longer on average.

It's kind of hard to take Rick seriously when he complains MLB games are too long, but doesn't seem bothered by NFL games that last longer than MLB games. Maybe Rick just doesn't like baseball. That's fine, baseball probably doesn't like him either.

3 comments Here's a List of Things Buzz Bissinger Hates about the Olympics

Buzz Bissinger decided to kick off his columns about the Olympics by writing a column about all the things he dislikes about the Olympics. There are some things in this column I would agree with him about, but the things he doesn't like were so amusing to me, I had to post them. Buzz dislikes the Olympics in his crotchety "old man waving a fist at the sun" way that he seems to have perfected over the past few years.

Like the Burt Lancaster character in Louis Malle’s film Atlantic City, who gazes at the seedy resort shore and says wistfully, “You should have seen the Atlantic Ocean back then,” I too long for the Olympics back then.

"Back in my day, sprinters had to sprint 200 meters to complete the 100 meter dash."

"We couldn't use poles in the pole vault, we were given the branch of a tree, and we liked it better that way."

"Sometimes during an swimming event there would be fish in the pool...and it made our swimmers better than swimmers today."

"I miss the days when we could compete against Commies!"

Three of those are fake statements and one statement Buzz Bissinger really states in this column.

I miss terribly the 60s and 70s and part of the 80s when the Russians and the United States were athletically trying to kill each other, since by some miracle both countries realized that dropping the bomb was not a good option.

"Mr. Gorbachev, build that wall back up."

I'm not sure what kind of person would miss the days when two countries were at silent war with each other and one move by one country that drew the ire of the other country could cause a nuclear war...but that person who misses these days is named Buzz Bissinger.

It was fun to hate the Soviet Union.

Life for a sportswriter is better when there are black and white "good guys" and "villains." The narratives write themselves rather than having to create your own narrative or (if worse comes to absolute worse) having to use your brain to write a column without a narrative.

The medal count meant something then, not what it does today since the Chinese, being the Chinese, purposely excel in obscure sports that no one else cares about with the exception of gymnastics

We all miss the days when the world was on the brink of a nuclear war. The medal count did mean something then. Real quick without looking it up, which three countries won the most medals during the 1976 Olympics and how many medals they win? Because the Olympics meant so much back then.

Call me Ishmael, but I don’t care about the synchronized-diving competition the Chinese won yesterday, except trying to figure out how exactly one decides to go into synchronized diving.

Probably the same way one decides to go into sports journalism. Also, quoting commercials for AT&T where a dude runs while listening to an audio book makes about as much sense as why a person would run listening to an audio book.

Much like I wonder how one becomes a beach-volleyball official from Egypt—an economic outgrowth of the Arab Spring I suppose.

Because before the Arab Spring, no one from Egypt had ever thought of doing anything with their life other than herding camels and staring at huge pyramids all day. So I'm sure this Egyptian beach-volleyball official has a job opportunity because of the Arab Spring and for no other reason.

I even miss the East German team when it was fun to figure out who exactly was a woman and who exactly a man and who exactly was both or neither.

Other country's cultures are so funny. It's not like that in America where it is easy to figure who is a boy and who is a girl.

I'm not sure if this comment by Buzz is more sexist, ethnocentric, a combination of the two, or something I should just shake it off and chalk up to a guy who tries to write a column about the Olympics like he is an 80 year old living in an MTV world.

I am not in London. Like most of you I watch on television or my iPad, and I do so with great confusion.

Let me help clear up your confusion. The Olympic athletes you see on your television or iPad are not really that small and they can't hear you if you talk.

the NBC primetime version tries to give the deranged illusion that the events they are showing have not taken place yet, although they have, and you have to be an idiot not to know who has won. It strikes me as similar to the NCAA taking away 101 victories from Penn State even though they won 101 victories.

The NCAA took away 101 victories from Penn State as a punishment. Yes, Penn State won those games, but they will no longer get credit for those wins. We know Penn State won those games, but they don't count as wins anymore on the official record. NBC is not showing some events live and are pretending they are live. Again, smart people know they are not live. So I guess my remark to Buzz's remark is he doesn't have to mention Penn State in every column.

I have nothing against beach volleyball; America’s Misty May-Treanor is an incredible athlete. I find her instincts and dexterity and outstretched dives to keep the ball in play the single best Olympic performance, but I just don’t know if beach volleyball is a sport

If Misty May-Treanor is an incredible athlete and displays athletic skills while playing beach volleyball, then how is beach volleyball not a sport? It's clear it takes athletic ability, team work, and a competitive nature to play beach volleyball. So how is beach volleyball not a sport if it requires instincts, dexterity and athletic ability?

and there are virtually no rallies. Bing. Bang. Boring.

There are plenty of rallies and the rallies are more exciting in beach volleyball than team volleyball because there aren't two other guys jumping up in the air pretending to spike the ball every time the volleyball goes in the air. Ding. Dang. Dumb.

It receives inordinate attention on NBC because men like it, praying no doubt that the training bra the competitors wear will fall off and breasts suddenly assume that sexy sandy look. It receives high ratings, but so does that weird show in which celebrities like Howard Stern and Howie Mandel hit a big button.

Of course nearly all of the primetime Olympic events get high ratings...even the ones where a boob popping out of a uniform isn't possible. Beach volleyball doesn't even receive inordinate attention compared to other primetime events shown like diving, swimming and gymnatics. Beach volleyball only receives any attention because Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh had not lost a set or a match in three Olympic appearances. Every time they play, they have a chance of continuing their historic run.

So no, beach volleyball gets a primetime spot, but doesn't receive inordinate amount of attention.

Things become more aggravating when I tap the Olympic Games’ iPad app that is supposed to give me video highlights of the previous day’s events. But I surrendered after two days of getting messages that the video doesn’t work.

Ugh!! Technology. Things were so much better when viewing yesterday's highlights wasn't even technologically possible. Buzz misses those days when he didn't even have a chance to complain about video of the previous day's highlights since that wasn't something he ever imagined he could do. My diamond shoes are too tight and my wallet isn't big enough to fit all of my fifty dollar bills!

The big events during this first week are in swimming, and unfortunately I have to say that the big guns of the men’s teams not only seem unlikeable but also choke artists.

Good job trying to be Skip Bayless. Ryan Lochte and Michael Phelps are just huge choke artists. Maybe they can think about this as they weep their choke artist tears into the gold and silver medals they are bringing home.

He didn’t train very hard for London, and it showed in his first race Saturday, leading any reasonable person to conclude that he didn’t want to be there in the first place and just should have retired.

Of course Phelps' following races completely disproved Buzz's theory based completely on one race. A reasonable person would give Phelps more than one race to prove he was in good shape. We all know Buzz doesn't exactly seem like a reasonable person. I don't like Michael Phelps that much, but he's spoiled us all with his performances. Collecting just a few medals at the Olympics feels like a let down for him, but it really isn't.

France for some reason has a very good freestyle-relay team, which given France, makes no sense to me at all. Skiing yes, but the performance in World War II is still hard to forgive.

Remember, Buzz gets paid to right things like this. Apparently Buzz believes France doesn't have access to chlorinated water in order to field a swimming team and World War II is what all athletic judgments should be based upon.

I am still searching for a personality that actually seems like a personality.

Buzz Bissinger only believes an athlete has a personality if he hates technology and believes the French are a bunch of weaklings who have no business fielding a swimming team. What's ridiculous is Bissinger complains he is still searching for a personality that seems like a personality, yet he talks about American athletes who have personality...it just seems he doesn't like these personalities. Here's what Buzz had to say about Ryan Lochte:

He seemed a shadow to his competitive nemesis, Ryan Lochte. The Florida native does have a certain charm, except when he drapes about on his skateboard during those insipid NBC bits with John McEnroe, who is wearing an undershirt for chrissakes. And when Lochte puts that silver contraption in his mouth, he looks like he's auditioning for Hangover 3.

What Buzz had to say about Michael Phelps:

Michael Phelps’s official Olympic photo, with scraggly beard and hair sticking out like professor Irwin Corey, was insulting. He does irritate me when he talks, a little bit too cool for school and obviously (also rightfully) thinking he is superior to everyone else, given his incredible past performance in Olympics. During an interview with Ryan Seacrest on NBC during the opening ceremonies that was unconsciously played instead of a tribute to the 52 victims of terror attacks in London in 2005, Phelps was asked if he would consider himself the best Olympian of all time if he won his 19th medal. He could and should have been gracious and contrite.

There are/were plenty of good personalities that NBC rammed down our throats. They rammed Missy Franklin, Gabby Douglas, and Rebecca Soni down our throats over the first week of competition. Of course what Buzz wants is flamboyance...

So far, my favorite has been the Italian fencer Diego Occhiuzzi, who after beating his opponent in the semifinals to guarantee a medal, went into such paroxysms of joy that I thought he might be having an epic Italian death rattle in the style of poisoning by the Borgias. The man knows how to win with complete ungraciousness.

I like that.

Unless you are Michael Phelps, in which case his lack of graciousness is a complete turn-off for Buzz. If you are Italian and not gracious, that's showing some great personality. Buzz is never very gracious with his consistency about athletes who show a lack of graciousness.

The games are not a bust. Lochte and Phelps can still find redemption.

Redemption for exactly what I don't know. Maybe Buzz thinks they need to find redemption for not winning gold in every single event they enter.

And remember that the mainstay of the Games, track and field, hasn’t started yet.

Why do we need to remember this? Buzz is the guy saying the Olympics are boring, have no personality and things were better back in his day when Russia and the United States hated each other. Buzz is the one who things the games are a bust, yet by telling us the game just started he reminds us just how stupid the premise and complaining, by Buzz himself, in this article truly was. Good job. You just outed the stupidity of your own column.

So stay tuned.

If you can figure it out.

Figure what out? Figure out why you like writing like an old codger? Figure out why the days when potential nuclear war made the Olympic games better?

What kind of editor reads this column and thinks, "Man I can't wait to post this. Great insight and great writing. Boy, he's right technology sucks and I wish Russia was still the United States' main enemy."

3 comments Bill Simmons Hates Walking and Tries to Become America's Biggest Handball Advocate

Bill Simmons went to the Olympics this year. Once he wrote a pretty self-involved column about how he came to go to the Olympics and made it all about him, per his usual way of writing. I was going to cover it, but Larry B at Fire Jay Mariotti did a pretty good job of making the points I was going to make. So go read that. Bill has promised (threatened) updates from his time in London at the Olympics and he makes good on this promise (threat) by writing an entire column about handball. Not shockingly, upon viewing three games of handball, Bill Simmons feels at liberty to make some changes to the sport in order to get Bill Simmons to pretend he would actually watch handball at any point other than every four years at the Olympics. Also, Bill wants us to know London is a big city and you have to walk a lot. I'm personally shocked the city hosting the Olympics is large.

The London Olympics have taken good-natured heat because their logo looks a little like Lisa Simpson performing a sex act, and because their official mascot looks a lot like a fancy futuristic penis

I'd like to know what a futuristic penis looks like. I don't necessarily need a visual description, but I'd be interested to see if Bill believes in the near future male and female genitalia will adapt in some new, fancy fashion.

Both quirks fit in splendidly with London, the world's most perverted city.

This from the same guy who just wrote a two part NBA column where he basically stated, "Everyone watch 'Game of Thrones' because they show women's tits all the time!" I'm not sure he's the guy who should be calling anyone else perverted.

But it's the little things that win London the "biggest pervert" title — you know, like that timeout during yesterday's USA-France basketball game when cheerleaders ran onto the court and fans immediately started whistling and cheering.

In America, fans never cheer or leer at cheerleaders when they are running on the court. This is exclusive to the sexually repressed city of London.

This place is hornier than Antonio Cromartie.

This from the same guy who wrote:

That night on the phone, my buddy House agreed with Lisanti's disbelief and added, "Just so you know, that show has a ton of nudity." Well then! I started watching that weekend and the rest was history.

Again, Bill is probably not a position to criticize how horny other people are.

Still, it would have made more sense if the 2012 logo was a drawing of someone walking. That's all anyone does at the London Olympics. You walk. You walk, you walk, you walk, and then you walk some more.

Why can't all the Olympic events take place in a one square mile walk from each other? Who says "no" to this?

You walk so much that you can be standing in what seems to be the middle of everything, after having walked over a mile to arrive at what you thought was the middle of everything … and then you see a sign that says, "BASKETBALL ARENA: 25-MINUTE WALK."

OMG! Walking is so hard to do and very inconvenient. Bill is very happy he doesn't have an important dinner to get to while in London or else he would never make it. He wouldn't want to risk another potential disaster like when he went to Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals and had to be back in Los Angeles the very next day for a very important party.

If you think I'm kidding …

Actually, Bill is kidding. The sign says "20-30 minute walk" to the basketball arena. So it doesn't say it is a 25-minute walk. Accurately reading signs, along with walking long distances, are two things that Bill believes himself to be above doing.

You see that sign after you leave the Stratford tube stop (ground zero for Olympic Park — the only way in and out) and spend the next 25 minutes walking

If Olympic Park is ground zero, then this is in the middle of everything. "Ground zero" doesn't indicate an area is closest to every possible event.

This isn't a complaint, more of a belated revelation. I love walking.

No, it is a complaint. You spent two paragraphs complaining about how far it is to walk to Olympic events.

In my head, I just assumed you hopped on the tube, jumped off at the "Olympics" stop, zipped through security, flashed your press pass or ticket, then everything was right there.

Because London isn't in California, it must be really small and easily to navigate. The Olympics would only be held in small villages, not large cities...right?

Nope. Ever been to Disneyland and planned on hitting a ride, then realized it was a 20-minute walk across the park from where you were?

Or..."Have you ever been out in a crowded public place like a zoo, amusement park, or any other large area where the public tends to congregate and had to walk to your location?"

It seems Bill believes having to walk a lot is an experience exclusive to him. This type of thing happens at places other than Disneyland. I'm pretty sure nearly everyone has had to walk a long distance at some point in his/her life.

Imagine the Super Bowl, World Series, NBA Finals and U.S. Open happening at four different venues within a mile of each other, only if 10 famous musical acts were playing indoor/outdoor concerts in the middle of everything. How much space would you need to pull off that scenario? A lot, right? That's the Summer Olympics.

And yet despite knowing how large of an event the Olympics are, Bill was shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, to find out he is going to have to walk a lot to each different Olympic event. Who saw this coming? Why don't they offer golf carts to wealthy people like Bill so he wouldn't have to walk? Who says "no" to this?

Armed with a mack-daddy pass and the determination to catch as many events as possible, you'd be surprised how many decisions hinge on these four words:

Nice humblebrag.

"Sometimes when you have access to every single Olympic event you have to make tough choices about which ones you are going to attend."

That's how I ended up ripping off a women's handball doubleheader on Saturday afternoon (the first official day of the Olympics). My friend "Fitzy"

A footnote follows about this "Fitzy" character...

He wanted to stay anonymous in the column, so we're calling him "Fitzy," if only because I always wanted a friend named "Fitzy."

A friend who wants to stay anonymous in a Bill Simmons column? Do these type of non-starfucking people exist?

"I want my first Olympic event to be a little goofy," I said. "Something like handball or badminton."

And that's how I ended up losing my Olympics virginity: by going to a preliminary-round match (no real stakes)

No real stakes other than being a game that took place during the fucking Olympics. Other than this match involved the best athletes in handball from two different countries competing against each other, there was nothing really to see here.

of women's handball (a sport I knew nothing about)

Bill knows nothing about the sport of handball. If you think that means he won't end this column with five suggestions on how to make the sport better after watching the sport over three entire games...well, you just don't know how Bill Simmons and his massive ego work. Bill can fix anything in a matter of one day or in one viewing. If he was President of the United States for just one day he'd have this whole debt-crisis issue figured out, he would turn around the United States public school systems and have Congress working together like a well-oiled machine using the philosophy of ubuntu.

So always know, even if Bill knows absolutely nothing about a topic, after briefly studying that topic he is an expert enough on the topic to suggest changes. He's always wants to be the most creative and smartest guy in the room.

We arrived 20 minutes before the match, grabbed choice press seats at midcourt (or whatever they call midcourt in handball),

"...grabbed choice press seats at midcourt." How does anyone like this guy? He can't just write,

"Upon entering the facility we sat down and stared at the empty gym,"

He has to tell us EXACTLY how he got such great seats and EXACTLY where those seats were located in the gym as a reminder of who the hell he is and who the hell we aren't.

You know what's way more fun than you'd ever expect? Watching a world-class Olympic event without knowing any of the rules.

You would never imagine watching world-class athletes play their sport could be entertaining in any way.

Oh — and until I actually saw the court, a small part of me wondered if handball players took turns batting a ball against a wall like they were elementary school kids in recess.

(shakes head sadly)

A few things jumped out right away. First, Croatia's team unleashed a series of pregame high-five/hug rituals that would have humbled even Renaldo Balkman and Nate Robinson. We couldn't decide whether this was a good sign (that their chemistry was terrific)

Hasn't Bill said plenty of times that a team plays better when the players on that team like each other? So this could never be a bad sign, based on the "they give each other a lot of high-fives" theory Bill espouses in every single column he has ever written about the Boston Celtics since 2007.

or a bad sign (that they were overdoing this stuff because they stunk).

Impossible. We all know a team that likes each other always plays better because they like each other.

Anyway, the game started and we quickly realized that women's handball was a loony cross between hockey, basketball, lacrosse and Vince Vaughn's Dodgeball movie, only if it was created for people with ADD.

Right, "Vince Vaughn's Dodgeball movie." I'm glad it was cleared up whose movie that was, because simply calling the movie "Dodgeball" would have confused no one.

If the LeBrons and Griffins ever played handball, they'd probably be corner scorers. Oh, and they'd be ridiculously awesome. That too.

Yeah, great observation. If these guys ever played volleyball they would probably be pretty good at that sport too. The LeBrons and Griffins of the world are elite athletes. Their skills are transferable to sports outside of basketball.

On any fast break off a missed shot, the playmaker is always prominently involved. It's the marquee position on the floor. We nicknamed this position "The Nash" after Steve Nash for obvious reasons.

Well, obviously. Wait, why wouldn't this position just be nicknamed "the point guard" again?

That reminds me — those occasional long outlet passes and fast breaks in handball are way more exciting than you'd ever expect.

What an amazing event as described by Bill! I have absolutely no expectations or perceptions of the sport of handball, yet the long outlet passes and fast breaks have exceeded the expectations for excitement I didn't know I even had!

How Bill never got a permanent job writing for a newspaper coming out of college still blows my mind. His newspaper columns could have single-handedly turned around the fate of newspapers.

I found myself yelping, "Ohhhhh!" and "Whoa!" more than I expected, to the chagrin of at least one serious handball media member sitting in our row. (Whatever.)

Bill expected to only yelp (what is he, a dog?) "Ohhhhh" and "Whoa!" four times during the match, but he yelped these exclamations at least ten times. He does an excellent job of describing this to his readers. Reading this almost feel like I am at the event getting annoyed with Bill Simmons' and his yelling.

Not to mention, I can't believe this asshole serious Handball journalist was irritated at Bill cheering from press row. It's press row! Who says "no" to cheering from press row? It's not like it is discouraged to cheer from press row or anything.

Handball is also more consistently physical than basketball, as hard as that might be to believe.

I never thought any sport could get more physical than the NBA where putting two hands on someone's back or reaching in and accidentally hitting the opposing player's arm are fouls. Yet, I was wrong. There are sports more physical than basketball.

Nobody overreacts to getting popped in the face, and when someone gets hurt, they're actually hurt. This would NOT be a good sport for Vince Carter.

These jokes are landing like punches thrown by Ron Artest.

From what I could gather, you need three things to succeed in handball: a killer "Nash," one consistently good corner scorer, and a competent goalie.

After one game, Bill already thinks he knows what exact three things a team needs to succeed at handball. That's the formula based on a sample size of three matches viewed.

We were so enthralled by the Croatia-Brazil game that we decided to stay for the next one between Denmark and Sweden.

After three games viewed, clearly Bill is now the expert and he is qualified to make the five rule changes to the sport that he suggests at the end of this column.

Not only did that seem like a natural rivalry, but … um … did I mention the game involved Danish women and Swedish women?

From earlier in the column:

Both quirks fit in splendidly with London, the world's most perverted city. You knew about London's Page 3 girls, the city's raunchy television shows and its general bawdiness, as well as the Brits' ironic reputation for also being sexually repressed. But it's the little things that win London the "biggest pervert" title...London slays me. This place is hornier than Antonio Cromartie.

I realize Bill is away from his wife, but come on. After watching "Game of Thrones" because it had nudity and mentioning he stayed for the Denmark-Sweden game because they involved Swedish and Danish women, does Bill really have any room to call anyone horny?

an attractive blonde who doubled as Sweden's version of Nash, someone who was as talented as she was pretty. (Here, I'll save you the 25 seconds you were just going to spend frantically YouTubing her.)

Londoners are so perverse.

The next night, I returned to the Copper Box to watch Denmark play Hungary in men's handball,

Bill should be the commissioner of the International Handball Federation. Which is a real thing by the way.

Since we're here, I can't resist throwing on my sports tsar costume and making five no-brainer suggestions to subtly improve women's handball.

Since handball has been around for two centuries now, you would think the sport had worked out most of the rule changes necessary in that time. This would be a wrong assumption. Bill can't view a sport new to him or hear a new idea without marking his territory by trying to think of a better idea or rule changes for that sport. Nothing is perfect until Bill Simmons has placed his Midas Touch upon it. Handball is the latest lucky sport/idea to have been touched by the hand of Bill.

Suggestion No. 2: Each team drops a player for the last five minutes of the first half and the first five minutes of the second half.

Just to open it up … a little. Like when they have four-on-four overtimes in the NHL. Those 30-minute halves in handball are a tough haul for spectators — you need to keep the fans on their toes just a tiny bit more.

This from the guy who watched three handball matches and appears to be (short-term) hooked on the sport. Why wouldn't handball dramatically change the set up of the game to appeal to fans who watch the sport every four years?

Suggestion No. 3: Add a penalty cage.

Right now, a player gets punished for two minutes and simply goes back to his/her bench until the punishment ends. How is that punishing? Stick them in a humiliating cage across from their bench for two minutes! Yes, they should lock the cage and everything.

So rather than make it a sport, make it a spectacle like professional wrestling. That sounds like something the Olympics would enjoy being a part of. Putting women in a locked cage? That's the Olympic spirit!

Suggestion No. 5: Find an attention-seeking billionaire to help save handball in America by throwing gobs of money at a women's professional handball league that will eventually get the ball rolling so we don't stink at handball anymore.

Fine, this will never happen — I just wanted to bring up America's dire handball situation again.

Bill Simmons has ignored the sport of handball for forty years of his life. He watches three matches and now wants us all to be aware of why handball deserves our support. He just fucking discovered the sport and now he acts like he's been a fan for 10 years. He is AGAIN telling us about the dire handball situation in America. He has warned us multiple times about this topic over the past few...um...paragraphs, but this is his last warning to us all. Enjoy the sport or watch it die the same slow death it has been dying for two centuries, including the last forty years when Bill himself didn't give a shit about the sport.

If you didn't know, we could have qualified for the 2012 Olympics in men's or women's handball just by winning the Pan Am Games last year. Our American women finished eighth out of eight teams, with the low point being a 50-10 loss to Brazil. Fifty to 10!!! The men's team finished seventh out of eight teams, so it's not like they were much better.

These were facts that Bill, of course, knew prior to watching the three handball games he watched in London. He didn't look these facts up at all when writing this column. He's a huge handball fan.

Think of all the basketball talent America cranks out — we couldn't steer a few studs toward handball? Would you rather come off the bench for a forgettable .500 team in the Big Sky Conference, or would you rather become one of the best handball players in the world, save handball in America, compete for a gold medal, then live overseas playing handball professionally?

Wow, what a douche. The man ignores the sport for forty years and now he wants to be the sport's ambassador.

Should America ever suck at a sport that revolves around running, jumping and passing? I'm going out on a limb and saying no.

Read this sentence and remember how popular Bill Simmons is. Then wonder how he became so popular because I am wondering the same thing right now.

That the best thing about the Olympics, as far as I can tell, anyway — you never know what might suck you in. Time to walk two miles to the next event.

Next up Bill is going to watch women's lacrosse and wonder why America ignores this incredibly exciting sport that Bill just started watching two hours ago.

2 comments MMQB Review: Sean Payton Doesn't Love Peter King Anymore Edition

When we last left Peter King he was transcribing entire Paul Brown speeches, describing how he and his wife stalked two innocent people throughout Europe, and realizes now it probably wasn't classless for Penn State to fire Joe Paterno by phone. This week Peter has started his training camp tours and the results of the absolute positivity coming from every single team because actual play has not started yet was very revealing for Peter. It's amazing how many positive-sounding nuggets of insight you can come up in late July when every team believes they have a chance to win the Super Bowl. Everyone believes they can win the Super Bowl when it is late summer and preseason games haven't started yet. Also, Drew Brees states to Peter that none of the players trust Roger Goodell, which is funny coming from the quarterback of the NFL team that put a bounty on fellow NFL players. Not to be dramatic, but the Saints sort of broke the trust of their fellow NFL players. Did Peter really expect Drew Brees, who has essentially covered his eyes and ears to any of the truth around the Saints bounty program to like Roger Goodell? I think Brees uses his child as his Twitter avatar so maybe when he Tweets stupid shit (like comparing the bounty scandal to the search evidence of WMDs in Iraq) people will be less prone to dislike him.

I'll get to the upstart Cardinals, the recharged Chargers, Drew Brees tsk-tsk-ing the commissioner, what Peyton Manning hates and the third-round pick who leads all rookies in charisma

Charisma is completely measurable by the way. This is in no way hyperbole. Peter King leads the world in loftiness. I'm not lying by stating this.

You want football. You want to see what I've seen. Five quickies from my first five camps

Apparently Peter saw five quickies in five training camps. After he and his wife stalked a couple around Europe last week, I'm starting to become concerned about Peter's extracurricular activities.

Sign of the Week: In San Diego GM A.J. Smith's office is this gem in a frame, from Winston Churchill: "History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." Question is, Is Smith's Charger book on the last chapter?

(lightning strikes) Da-da-da-dum.

Fantasy Tips of the Week (which you should take with a shaker of salt):

And yet, Peter continues to give these fantasy tips. He knows he isn't good at something, yet he keeps on trying while ignoring all evidence to the contrary. He's like the Backup QB Jets of sportswriters in this way.

Wouldn't be surprised if, after Larry Fitzgerald, the Cardinal with the best receiving numbers will be Rob Housler. Get to know him. Tight end. Ken Whisenhunt loves him.

It's a good thing the Cardinals didn't spend a first round pick on a wide receiver this year then. That would be embarrassing if a second-year tight end drafted in the third round had more receiving yards than the Cardinals first round draft pick has. It's not like you want your receiver drafted in the first round to catch more passes than a tight end who caught 12 passes in his first year in the NFL.

Idiot of the Week: Me, for thinking that driving from Flagstaff, Ariz., to San Diego was a good idea. Seven hours and one scary pitch-dark encounter with a feral cat in a Gila Bend McDonald's parking lot later (don't ask; I will only further embarrass myself),

Hey, fuck you feral cat. Peter has taken on Starwood Preferred Members and the concierge desk at multiple Hilton Hotels around the country. He's not afraid of you.

If you blinked, you missed it. Or if you were gazing at the imposing San Francisco Peaks just north of the practice field in this lovely college town, you could have missed it too. Ryan Williams, who'd provided so much hope for the Cardinals' running game last summer before rupturing his patella tendon in a preseason game, took a handoff up the middle in the first practice of the summer. Then the second-round draft pick out of Virginia Tech in 2011 did something he hadn't done in 49 weeks: He juked one defender left while planting and cutting right, then did the exact opposite -- juke right, cut left. The crowd oooohed.

"Yeah,'' said Kolb. "But three, four cuts, after an injury like that. To trust your knee to make moves like that ... Wow."

On the field, Williams was reliving the play over and over, as reporters crowded around him. I asked if he'd heard the "Li'l Sweetness'' shoutout.

"I heard it,'' he said. "I heard it. Felt good.''

Cancel the season. The Super Bowl has been won already. Ryan Williams made a tough cut in practice and didn't blow his knee out. Now all he has to do is replicate this in a game 300 times and the Cardinals will be the last team standing with Kevin Kolb/John Skelton holding the Super Bowl trophy as the Super Bowl MVP and one of their names will be used in place of "Trent Dilfer" when asked to name an average quarterback who has won a Super Bowl.

Drew Brees has something on his chest.

A huge mole?

If you think the mayhem around the Saints is going to send them to 5-11ville, you're nuts. Too much talent. Too good a triggerman.

Thank you for clearing up the misconception that very few people had. I hate to see the JemeHill school of journalism has taken hold outside of the walls of ESPN. This school of journalism is where a sportswriter disproves an assumption that "everyone" is making, even though few people are actually making this assumption.

"If you think Sean Payton is going to retire and move to Vermont where he can legally marry Kenny Chesney, then you don't know Sean Payton. He will still coach in the NFL after he serves his year-long suspension."

There's a drill the offensive skill players run early in practice, with quarterbacks getting the ball out to sprinting receivers and tight ends quickly. It's a nonstop, ping-ping-ping, one-throw-after-the-other completion-fest, and Brees, by my count, threw 18 balls in a row that his receivers barely had to reach for. Every one, right there.

And we all know the ways players look in Training Camp against no opposing defense is rarely any different from how these players look during a regular season NFL game. That's why Armanti Edwards has made two Pro Bowls.

Obviously, removing the coach for the year and removing his aide-de-camp, Vitt, for the first 40 percent of the season is a crushing blow. Maybe it's naive, and maybe I trust Brees too much, but I can't see the season going down the toilet with a quarterback as good as Brees putting up 28 or 30 points a week.

Which he is obviously going to do with ease. Didn't you see how well he threw the ball during that offensive drill? It's not like the Saints need to play defense this year.

Peter is defending a team or person who doesn't require defending. I harbor no illusions the Saints are going to struggle this year. I think they are going to make the playoffs and then lose their first road playoff game like they usually do. Nothing has changed.

Brees and I talked for 45 minutes or so about the severe league sanctions against the team, the 77 games commissioner Roger Goodell banned players, coaches and the general manager, Mickey Loomis. It's clear he's angry about the severity of the suspensions.

And here I thought Brees was going to be happy about the suspensions. Let me guess, Brees also thinks the commissioner was out of line during the appeals process in some way? Spoiler alert: He does believe this.

On the 16-game Payton suspension: "I was utterly shocked. Shocked. And the way the suspension works -- it's like, You're cut off right now. We [the NFL] are going to tell you who you can and cannot talk to over the next year. [Payton is forbidden from talking to Saints players or front-office members.] That is completely ridiculous.''

That is the idea of a punishment. If the NFL players are going to allow Roger Goodell to be judge, jury and executioner, which they did allow in the latest CBA, then this is how punishments are handed down. Would Brees have preferred a step-down version of the punishment where Sean Payton is slowly weaned away from the team? Week 1 Payton can only see or talk to his team 4 hours a day, Week 2 he can only see or talk to his team 3 hours a day, and finally Payton can't see or talk to his team at all. This is not how punishments are handed down in sports. They handed down effective immediately. When a player is suspended in any sport that league commissioner doesn't allow the suspension begin at an indefinite future time. So I don't get how suspending Payton immediately is completely ridiculous.

On NFL players' attitudes to Goodell: Brees got quiet and thought for a moment, then said: "Nobody trusts him. Nobody trusts him. I'm not talking about a DUI, or using a gun in a strip club, which are pretty clear violations.

Unlike intentionally trying to hurt other NFL players for money and having audio of Gregg Williams offering Saints defenders money to injure San Francisco 49ers players. This is a situation completely open for some interpretation.

I think now if a guy has to come in to talk to Roger, he'll be very hesitant because he'll think the conclusion has already been reached.''

That will show Roger Goodell! Don't show up at all when he summons you to the league office to discuss your punishment. Then Goodell will simply hand down the punishment without discussing the issue with the player at all. That'll learn Goodell real good.

Now it was time for Brees to go to practice. "I feel it's all we've done here, overcome the odds. We're going to have to do it again.''

Yes, play the victim card Brees. You are a victim! A victim of the harsh NFL system that doesn't allow players to put bounties on other players. The world, the NFL, and God himself has done you wrong. Always remember you are a victim of the mean ol' NFL and the commissioner of the NFL. Use this as further proof the NFL is against you. The same NFL that allows you to make $40 million guaranteed over a five year period.

I already think Drew Brees has beaten the odds. What are the odds an educated, smart individual like him can be so blind to the truth of what happened in the Saints locker room and try to turn the Saints into victims in this situation?

Manning can hear what people are saying about him and read what writers are writing about him. Peyton's back to normal. Look at him throw. Look at his command of the Denver offense. He's back.

"I hate it,'' Manning said.

Because he's not. He's not all the way back.

Peyton Manning is going to show all you writers. You believe he is healthy and completely able to play the quarterback position at 100% WELL HE'S NOT! THE JOKE IS ON YOU! Manning isn't completely healthy yet, so don't all you writers feel stupid for even suggesting Manning is healthy and that feels like he can perform at a high level if the season began today. The truth is that Manning can barely walk when he wakes up in the morning. I bet you feel stupid now.

Manning doesn't feel like he's near 100 percent yet. It's not his neck, which has undergone four procedures in the past two years, including the major surgery 11 months ago that caused him to miss the 2011 season. It's simply the regeneration of the nerve that affects his arm strength, particularly the area around the shoulder.

Now I would bet those writers feel even more stupid. They all thought it was Manning's neck was the real issue, but that's not true. Manning has a completely different physical issue that is preventing him from being 100% right now. Manning has multiple physical red flags. I bet Broncos fans are glad Manning cleared this all up. It's not scary sounding at all.

After practice Saturday, he signed a load of autographs, a few of them for people wearing Manning Colts jerseys. To one such guy, Manning said, "Colts fan or Broncos fan?'' The guy said, "I'm a fan of yours.''

Oh, you are a fair weather fan then? Welcome to the Broncos bandwagon. Lifetime Broncos fans hate you and hope you leave immediately.

As I watched Manning's first padded practice in 19 months on a sun-splashed field, I saw him throw efficiently and accurately. His best throw of the day, on a double-move by Eric Decker against Champ Bailey, was exactly the kind of precision intermediate throw Tim Tebow wouldn't have made.

To be fair, Manning could throw the ball left-handed and still make throws that Backup QB Jets wouldn't have made. Let's set a higher standard here.

You can't count on 36-year-old Brandon Stokley to stay healthy, and it's no sure thing he'll even make the team. But if Stokley stays upright this summer and makes the team, Manning would have the wideout he calls the best slot wide receiver he's ever played with back as a security blanket. (It's a mistake to count on the brittle Stokley, however. I'm just raising the possibility that he could be a valuable piece for Manning.)

So Brandon Stokley may be incredibly valuable for Manning this year...or maybe not...but he could, if he stays healthy...but Peter doesn't expect him to stay healthy...if he does stay healthy then he will be especially helpful to the Broncos...but he probably won't stay healthy so it doesn't matter.

So if Manning completes 69 percent with seven yards per attempt, would that suit Denver? In a heartbeat. It'd suit most any team in the league, except perhaps for the explosive Saints or Packers.

The Saints or Packers would immediately trade any quarterback who dared to complete 69% of his passes with seven yards per attempt, no matter how many Super Bowls or playoffs they get to with a quarterback who has these statistics.

(By the way in 2007 and 2010 Drew Brees had below seven yards per attempt and less than a 69% completion percentage. It was unacceptable and that's probably why Drew Brees had to wait so long to get a new contract from the Saints.)

I think the way it is might not be as electric, but I think it's going to be good enough for Denver to get its $18 million worth.

Manning will never be another QB Broncos no matter how much money he receives or how many games he wins! Never! Let's see Manning throw a 10 yard slant into single coverage with no safety high to win a playoff game. Manning could never do this.

Matt Flynn, Tavaris Jackson, Wilson one day. Jackson, Wilson, Flynn another. Wilson, Flynn, Jackson the next. This is a strange training camp. Most teams know their starting quarterback this morning. A few are having double-barreled competition for the job.

You know how they say if you have two starting quarterbacks then you really have none? In my opinion, the same goes for having three starting quarterbacks.

But the vibe I got here Sunday is that Wilson has a legitimate shot to win the starting job. Carroll loves him. GM John Schneider loves him. Plus, Flynn's not the kind of player whose arm is going to wow you in a training camp.

But didn't we just learn from the whole "Peyton Manning is back and has less arm strength but he will still find a way to get it done" story just a few paragraphs ago that arm strength doesn't matter if a quarterback "just knows how to get it done?"

"I refuse to be average,'' Wilson said on the field after practice. "I refuse to be good.

Well, good news then...you very well may not be any good. Time will tell. Mission accomplished.

It's very difficult to make any judgments on a player, or a team, watching a pad-less practice, with players in helmets and shorts.

But that sure has hell isn't going to stop Peter King from making snap judgments right now about Russell Wilson. This is the typical, "We really shouldn't say or do this" comment by Peter, followed by Peter doing or saying exactly what he just said he shouldn't do or say. It's pretty much his trademark.

But Wilson's arm looked every bit as strong, and maybe slightly stronger, than Flynn's in this practice. On one snap, Wilson was flushed from the pocket, scrambled right ("He scrambles to throw; he doesn't scramble to run,'' Carroll said) and launched a slightly wavering 32-yard strike down the right side to a covered Ben Obomanu, who came down with the ball. Good play, the kind of play he's going to have to make in the NFL when the pocket breaks down.

Russell Wilson very well could be the Seahawks starter. It very well could happen, but I haven't ever understood why Peter King states it is difficult to make judgments based on Training Camp and then uses this information to make judgments about the Seahawk starting quarterback job based on Training Camp.

Cool kid. The quarterback competition is the best story in Seattle's camp, and the charismatic Wilson makes it that way.

I know for a fact N.C. State fans absolutely love (loathe) him.

4. Eagles (Bethlehem, Pa.) If you like hills, you'll love the campus of Lehigh University.

I am not a fan of Lehigh University. This is a training camp I would not enjoy visiting.

"I am 1,000 percent a Steelers fan!''

-- Prospective Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam III, in a 2010 interview with Bob Labriola of Steelers.com. Haslam is a minority owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and if his purchase of the Browns from Randy Lerner does go through as league people have told me they think it will, he'll have to divest himself of the Steelers share.

Now, I'm not positive about this, but I have a feeling that 2010 quote might -- might -- not go over well in northeast Ohio.

I'm not positive about this, but I think anyone owning that team outside of Randy Lerner will go over well in northeast Ohio. It's pretty funny a guy who is a huge Steelers fan will probably own the Browns. In Haslam's defense, he was a minority owner of the Steelers, so what else was he going to say at the time?

"We brought Santonio here to be a receiver, not offensive coordinator."

-- Jets coach Rex Ryan, on wide receiver Santonio Holmes' public skepticism on the chances a two-quarterback system (Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow) will work with the Jets.

The good news for the Jets is they DON'T have a two-quarterback system. They have a one quarterback system with a running back who sometimes subs in at quarterback.

I accomplished something relatively Olympian last week, on the same day of the Olympic opening ceremonies, that I do believe made Peter King travel history: I was in all four continental United States time zones in one 24-hour period.

You want a full breakdown of where Peter was in these time zones? You don't? Tough, you get one anyway.

Thursday, 10:15 p.m. Pacific Time: Depart Karl Strauss pub, San Diego airport, and fly east.

And boy are Peter's arms tired.

Friday, 6 a.m. Eastern Time: Arrive Atlanta Hartsfield International Airport. Have an oatmeal breakfast.

I'm assuming if Peter had an oatmeal breakfast, then Peter also had his smoking jacket on during this meal, ate some grapefruit as a mid-morning snack and tuned into "Matlock" after taking his morning bath.

Friday 9 a.m. Central Time: Arrive New Orleans International Airport for day of Saints reporting.

Someone has to do reporting about the NFL in New Orleans since the Times-Picayune only puts out a paper three times a week.

"If the President of the U.S. is saying I need to slide then I really need to start sliding. Lol. Thanks Mr. President!''

-- @MikeVick, after Barack Obama told Eagles teammate Nnamdi Asomugha at a recent event, "Tell Vick to slide."

Mitt Romney, not one to be overshadowed, then told Mike Vick he needed to dunk more and he knows Vick will lead the Sixers to the NHL Playoffs this year.

In the Steelers' eyes, he did. So Pittsburgh, convinced it didn't want to risk losing both men next year when Brown would be a restricted free agent, gave Brown the deal they'd offered Wallace, a six-year, $42.5 million extension. Not bad for a sixth-round pick in 2010 from Central Michigan. Now Wallace is in limbo, not having signed his franchise tender ... and the Steelers saying they have no intention of trading him.

I'm not a Steelers fan, but that is straight fantastic they offered the exact same contract to Antonio Brown that they had offered to Mike Wallace. It's just wonderful.

"You don't want that contract? Fine, we'll offer it to your teammate."

Teams who draft well can afford to do things like this I guess.

I've always felt Lerner, who lives in downtown Manhattan near New York University, was more of a music and soccer fan (he owns Aston Villa of England's Premier League) than a football fan, and he'd hoped Mike Holmgren would wipe away all his troubles when Holmgren came aboard the Browns two years ago.

Who wouldn't love having an NFL owner who doesn't seem to really love owning a team and just wants someone to take the team off his hands?

Lerner badly wanted someone to come in and just take the headache that was the reconstruction of the Browns off his hands.

I wonder if Randy Lerner will send Tony Grossi an apology since it now seems Grossi was sort of right about Lerner and his lack of commitment to the Browns? Grossi got fired for that Tweet. Nah, being wealthy means never having to say you are sorry.

8. I think this is the cost of doing business the way I think it should be done in NFL journalism these days -- and I tell you this because it may affect my ability to know as much about the Saints as I've known in the past few years. Joe Vitt and Mickey Loomis, the New Orleans past and future 2012 brain trust, are not speaking to me, presumably because of my reporting on the Saints' bounty case.

This is absolutely ridiculous. Joe Vitt and Mickey Loomis are just being sensitive little bitches. I'm not prone to defending Peter King (if you can't tell already), but if anything I think Peter King has reported on the bounty scandal with a slight lean towards giving the benefit of the doubt to the Saints. It's bullshit and these two guys need to get over it. Peter reported the story while being fair to the Saints, if not being too fair to the Saints in my opinion. Maybe Vitt and Loomis don't like that Peter wasn't blindly giving his opinion that the Saints would NEVER do anything wrong, but if that's true they don't like Peter's blind loyalty to them, they should hold a grudge against most NFL fans outside the city of New Orleans.

Sean Payton told me earlier in the year he wouldn't speak to me either, because he didn't think I reported the story fairly. I'd had great relationships with Loomis and Payton. But that's how it goes. For the record, I regret nothing that I've written or said on the case.

If I needed any further proof that Sean Payton is a jackass, this is it for me. It's ridiculous to hold a grudge and be overly sensitive about the way anyone at Sports Illustrated covered this story. This whole "we are victims and being persecuted by the NFL" crap is really growing old. Grow a pair of balls about how the bounty scandal is being covered, and if you don't want to admit you did something wrong, at least allow others to give their opinion on the matter without giving the silent treatment to some reporters like you are an 8 year old child.

c. Missing the Olympics. I hate it when that happens. I'm a sucker for the stories. The most I've seen is a clip of the opening ceremonies in the Broncos cafeteria Saturday. Sure looked colorful. Weird shot of the Queen.

For me, easily the worst part of the Olympics are the opening ceremonies. They are too long, too bloated, and really boring. I'm not a fan. I tuned in for a few minutes Friday night and there was an old, creepy lady tucking children into bed. I don't know what the hell that was all about and didn't stick around to find out.

e. I love the A's. I don't know Jarrod Parker from Travis Blackley, but I hope I get to know both in October.

Of course the big baseball fan Peter King wouldn't know who Jarrod Parker is. Why would he know one of the best prospects in baseball? It's not like he enjoys watching the sport of baseball.

f. Someone should sit all the privately sniping Red Sox players and coaches in a room and tell them they look stupid, immature and ungrateful for the lives they have, and it has to stop.

Yeah, I agree. I can't believe some hotels don't have free coffee available in the lobby at exactly 6am either. That's not the kind of America I want to live in. Don't even get Peter started on any place in the United States that makes you pay for wireless Internet.