Tuesday, July 29, 2008

2 comments King Peter King Teaches and His Minions Learn Something

Because J.S. and I are producing posts at a rate only Shawn Kemp or Travis Henry could keep up with, I am actually holding back on feebly tearing apart Internet columnists, so some of my posts may be FJMorgan-like late. I don't know why I am doing this, I think everyone has learned to scroll down at this point in life, and really if you miss some snarky comment J.S. or I have made, the world will not end. We just put our blood and sweat into these posts and I feel like I have to give the poor reading audience a chance to read a post before shitting out more nonsense.

I have dispensed with the drama and now on to Peter King.


I will sum up the first two pages of Peter King's MMQB column for you.

1. I know where Brett Favre lives

2. I know Deanna and Brett Favre

3. The Packers do not want to trade Brett Favre

4. I am an NFL insider

I am completely ignoring the Brett Favre dissertation in his MMQB column this week and focusing on the rest of his useless bullshit and starting on page 2, so just get prepared to jump in mid column.

What was Jerry Rice's last team? Seriously: What team was he with last in the NFL? You don't know. (Well, OK, all you Bronco fans know.) He was in Denver's camp trying to make that team on his way out of the NFL. And the media was all atwitter with stuff like: "You're ruining your legacy, Jerry!''

God, curse the stupid media that gets all "atwitter" over dumb shit. You know what I think about when Jerry Rice comes to mind now?

Dancing With the Stars. I have never watched that show but I think he ruined his legacy when he decided to go on national television and go ball room dancing. I don't want to piss of any ball room dancing enthusiasts but that would ruin a football player's legacy much quicker than trying to play the game he loves even when he is too old to do so.

Today, few people remember that. People remember Rice as a revered 49er.

I bet everyone else does remember his feeble attempts to play for Seattle the year before though...and Dancing With the Stars. What was up with that? I think he would have earned more respect from me if he had done a cameo in the Lifetime Movie "To Be Fat Like Me" or as it is better known around these parts, "Fat Like Me." And yes, I just wanted to use the Fat Like Me tag.

How about the first half of my Sunday? Went to bed at 1:25 a.m. CT after writing a Favre story in southern Mississippi. Up at 3:15 to shower and drive 95 minutes to the Jackson airport. Flight at 6 to Atlanta. Change planes. Flight at 9:15 to Detroit. Change planes. Flight at 12:15 to Green Bay. Add this to the fun: There was not an empty seat on any of the planes.
You've got to love the airlines. On the Northwest plane to Green Bay, we were handed three-ounce containers of water. I mean, why bother?

15 years from now King Peter is going to be telling everyone what color his latest bowel movement was and how parking spaces have decreased in size since he was younger. I just want to prepare everyone for this. I would like to have a poll to see who actually reads the Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Notes every week. Somebody must.

I like to think every week there is some silver haired man in Graniteville, North Dakota (assuming they have Internet and all up there) nodding his head in approval and agreement with what King Peter is writing about traveling. Then that silver haired man, named Bernard by the way, shuffles down the hall to his study where he shoots off an email to King Peter about how he is exactly correct and loves to hear about his travels. Then Bernard most likely puts his slip on loafers on his feet, heads to the Walgreens for some medicine, and then meets his elderly friends at local doughnut shop and discusses their grandchildren.

No one gives a shit about Peter's travels who is under the age of 55.

I've decided to add between two and five new column items each week for the upcoming season, and probably forever. Here are the ones we at SI.com (well, me, mostly) are putting up for the vote:

Now think of the dumbest ideas that could every exist for a column item and then watch me magically write in big, black letters that King Peter thinks these exact stupid ideas are great ideas.

1. Interior Lineman of the Week. And why he deserves it, to educate you about offensive and defensive line play, which so often goes unnoticed. Either that or something like recognizing the best play or block of Sunday on the offensive line.

Please educate me, Peter, about the offensive/defensive line. I am just a normal person who has no idea what is going on and thinks the offensive line is just a collection of fat guys trying to protect a skinny guy with a football.

I genuinely think King Peter thinks everyone is fucking stupid. I have never played a day of organized football in my life but I am guessing I could tell him more about the defensive/offensive line than he could tell me. I don't even have to interview the coaches like he does to understand what is happening to pass it along to us, his idiot readers. Interior Lineman of the Week sucks as an idea and theory.

2. Reminds Me Of ... Comparing past and present stars who have some similarities to their games -- Don Hutson vs. Marvin Harrison, Otto Graham vs. Tom Brady -- and picking the one I think is better historically.

The winner every week........Tom Brady. I am kidding of course. Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brett Favre and Chris Long will rotate this column item every week. I would like to take another poll to see if anyone in the reading audience really cares who is better or even what Peter King thinks.

3. What I Learned This Week About Football That I Didn't Know Last Week.

The first week it will be: "I did not realize there were other teams in the NFL other than the Patriots, Chris Long, the Packers and the Giants. Did anyone know that a small city in Florida, Tampa Bay, has a team?"

4. Why I Love Football. An event in a game, or something from the post-game locker room, that reminded me why it's such a great game.

If implemented, this would be an example of why I hate football columnists.

5. The Toughest Thing About Playing the Game. An inside-the-game aspect from one position, illustrating why it's such a tough spot to play. For instance, how does a good running back become a three-down running back, and what's important in learning how to pick up the hot pass-rusher.

Sit down Peter. Not on my lap, over there on the couch. Can I be honest with you? This could be a good idea but you will fuck it up. Please send this idea over to a different columnist, or if you would like to make a profit, even sell the idea for 3 zebra cakes, so it will educate and not frustrate me. Thank you.

6. Hobby of the Week. Chad Brown and his reptile-raising, or Braylon Edwards and his desire to visit every major city in the world, or someone with a classic-car fetish.

If I wanted to know what a football player did as a hobby, I would send him a handwritten letter with a caramel inside asking him this question then spend every day looking out my window waiting for the mail woman (yep, and she is a real bitch, trust me) to come around the corner in her mini mail woman car hoping with an innocent smile on my face that football player has sent me back an answer.

Also, this would only serve to alienate the reader further if combined with your yuppie travel and coffee bitch fest. Some people who read your column have a hobby like working long hours to afford cable television, trying to make enough money to put money away for retirement at 65, and saving up for a family vacation to Disney World. On second thought though, Braylon Edwards wants to visit EVERY major city? That is not rubbing his wealth in my face at all. Tell me more!

Any yes, I just went all "there are people out in the world who don't have it as good as we do" on my readers. Rick Reilly can kiss my ass, I think I do it better.

7. Behind the Scenes at NBC. What does Bob Costas read? What does Cris Collinsworth eat? What makes Jerome Bettis laugh? I'm with those guys 11 hours each Sunday. I should be able to cull one note from all that time.

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. It seems as if Peter has Simmonsitis where he thinks we give a shit about his day and his life. I realize this is his "angle" but the only thing anyone should care about these "celebrities" is who really gives them the information they read on air and why athletes sound like they are Sling Blade when they are forced to think on their feet.

8. Player in Another Sport an NFL Guy Really Loves. Excluding Tiger Woods, because everyone would pick him.

Do you think Peter looks at himself naked in the mirror like Christian Bale in "American Psycho" and gets himself aroused talking about how many sports shows he has been on and how many famous people he knows? If not, is it just a picture of Chris Long that does it? I don't need to know this, I would like a second opinion though.

9. Good Guy of the Week. Many players spend their off days doing service in the community. I want to tell you about them.

This one sounds good actually. I know this was probably your first week's idea but Tom Brady getting Gisele tampons at the store does not count. Sorry....

10. Which NFL starting quarterback has the cutest ass?

I am kidding but you can see this happening, right?

1. I think I am smitten with Jason Campbell.

See? I swear to God he wrote this.

Brett Favre silently weeps in a corner, realizing he has been forgotten so quickly. "I un-retired Peter, I un-retired dammit!"

2. I think the greatest thing I heard in my early spin around camps was from Pro Bowl Cleveland tackle Joe Thomas. when I saw him in Berea the other day, he said to me: "Hey, I read your stuff online from Afghanistan, from the USO trip. I'd love to go. How do I do it?'' Music to my ears.

2 years from now Joe Thomas will go to Afghanistan for the USO trip, join the insurgency, behead several journalists, lead the revolution to end democracy in the Middle East, and finally, enslave the entire world. Thanks Peter.

3. I think it's patently absurd the United States Army allowed Army safety Caleb Campbell to go through the draft process, be a billboard for the Armed Service at the NFL Draft in New York City, get drafted, go to Lions mini-camp in the offseason, sign a contract with Detroit ... then pull the rug out from under him by telling him on the eve of training camp that the government has changed its mind and now wants him to be in service to his country for the next two years. Fine. Why was the kid allowed to go so far down the road toward his dream before the military changed its mind?

I actually did some research on this and found a web site that could be useful for Peter. Here is the link. http://www.becausetheyfuckingcan.gov/

It has some good information on it and helps explain to Peter how Caleb was so misled all those years thinking he was going to Army to be a pro football player and could perhaps get a cameo in the new G.I. Joe movie if he became famous enough. He went to a college called "Army." I have a gut feeling Caleb had a thought this could happen.

5. I think, by the way, Shockey the teacher is a pretty valuable guy. Watching the Saints practice Saturday, I frequently saw Shockey pull a linebacker, DB or tight end aside and give him tips on something. GM Mickey Loomis noticed and said, "Look at Shockey teaching.''

As those who read my Shockey post from last week know, this was not Shockey, but Shockey's massive ego pulling defensive players aside. He was not giving tips but threatening to murder the defensive players with a splork if they did not make him look good in practice. What an asshole!

7. I think from what I hear, Leonard Little is going to have a big year coming back from his foot injury. He and Chris Long could be a top-five pass-rush tandem this year.

I would like to be known as the first person who noticed Peter King has a huge crush on Chris Long. He mentions him in every column. I need to be known as the first to notice and comment on this. That is all I ask. Also, I am slowly turning into Bill Simmons.

I think the only thing Leonard Little could really teach anyone at this stage of his career is how to drunkenly drive your car into someone else's and not be in jail for 20 years for manslaughter.


I want you all to know that is sorry. He really is. That's why he did it again six years later but did not kill anyone. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Chris Long and Little are going to be a terrific combo.

a. I found out how little the rest of the country thinks of Red Sox-Yankees (which at this point of the year always is a megaseries). I was changing planes in Charlotte (traveling from Dulles to Jackson, Miss.) Friday night and stopped in a sports bar at the airport with a bunch of TVs. I looked around. No baseball. I looked at the sports ticker. Racing news. No baseball. There was Dale Earnhardt Jr. on a few screens. Baseball, schmaseball.

(the sound of angels singing and harps playing begins) Finally, someone from the Boston area gets some type of a clue that not everyone gives two shits about Boston-New York. (Neither team is even leading the division this year by the way) Maybe after realizing this, he will realize that the entire reason he hears all this hype for the series is because the Boston fans (ESPN) and the New York fans (the United States media) talk about it constantly. Just like in some parts of the world Duke-UNC in men's basketball is not a big deal, this series is not a big deal in 75% of the country. Unfortunately, those parts don't have large buildings that have newspaper companies and ESPN located near them.

c. Dustin Pedroia might be Wade Boggs with a little speed.

Or he could be 1.5 years into his career and the pitchers will catch up with him and his massive swing. I remember a short guy with a massive swing who played 2B for my favorite team and now he is out of baseball. Don't get too big of an erection over him quite yet. Remember the Jacoby Ellsbury orgasmic orgy of love earlier in the year? Didn't take long for Coco Crisp to get CF back. Some things just take more time King Peter.

d. It's way, way too early to call Xavier Nady Ed Whitson. But some guys start gripping the bat a little tight in the big city. Nady spent the weekend looking like one of those.

He got traded Friday night and played in Boston Saturday afternoon. Let's not be too harsh. He had 7 total at bats. I am not a Yankees fan by any stretch of the imagination, but who won the 3 game series again?

I miss Bill Simmons.


J.S. said...

I think he should impliment a "Who's Now" segment. It's the next logical step...

Bengoodfella said...

That is a great idea. When he is doing his camp tours this summer, he should write down one player on each team that is more "now" and then at the end have the public vote about which training camp player is more "now."

I am going to go ahead and ruin his Super Bowl pick for you. I will have two choices with four team and it will probably be a mix and match of these four teams if he does not say it will be the exact matchup.

New England v. Dallas
Indianapolis v. Minnesota

He is so predictable.