Tuesday, July 12, 2011

4 comments Watch Out Minka Kelly, Ian O'Connor Wants to Give The Jeter a Thorough Back Rub

You may not have heard, but Derek Jeter got his 3,000th hit recently. This story fell under the radar, but it does deserve some recognition. Fortunately, that's why Ian O'Connor exists, to give attention to Derek Jeter. So he's written one of the most embarrassing odes to Derek Jeter that has ever been read by the public. I am 76% certain this was not supposed to be for public consumption and O'Connor was writing all of these thoughts down in his diary and accidentally sent it to ESPN.com for publication. ESPN.com upon seeing this article and comparing to the other journalism on the site thought it was just fantastic and published it. So we have what appears to either be an embarrassing journalistic come-on, which means Minka Kelly better watch the fuck out, or Ian O'Connor just really, really, really enjoys watching Derek Jeter play baseball.

Here are my favorite parts of this load of crap. I won't comment a lot, because it isn't necessary.

The ball was in the air, disappearing into the kind of white clouds Norman Rockwell loved to paint, and Derek Jeter watched it the way a child watches a runaway balloon floating across a midsummer sky.

Read this sentence again. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

This is some crap a 7th grade English teacher would given a "D-," then smack the child across the face for being stupid, step on the child's foot and immediately send them to the school nurse for drug testing.

He was young again. We were all young again.

I went out driving later that day and it turns out I wasn't old enough to drive a car anymore. Apparently I was 12 years old again. The policeman who pulled me over and I got a good laugh about this as we reminisced over how young the Jeter makes us feel.

These two sentences make Baby Jesus cry...but at least he's young again!

The script was so wonderfully absurd, the shortstop said, "I wouldn't have even bought it."

The Jeter wouldn't have bought it because it didn't have breasts nor was it a famous brunette. Those are the criteria The Jeter requires.

Jeter didn't merely become the 28th major leaguer and first Yankee to reach 3,000 hits, and the only man not named Wade Boggs to do so with a homer; he turned the afternoon into a this-is-your-life review of his greatness, claiming five hits and the winning RBI against the Tampa Bay Rays and choking the life out of the non-stop talk of his imminent demise.

No, it didn't. If Jeter goes 0-15 over his next four games, he is still batting 0.250 during that span. Demise still imminent.

One last time, with feeling, Jeter was No. 2 in your program and No. 1 in your heart.

Warning: This sentence could kill your kitten. Don't let your kitten read this sentence.

But Price lost the duel for No. 2,999 in the first inning, when the shortstop singled through the hole near short on a 3-2 pitch. "He could've thrown it in the dugout," Jeter said, "and I would have swung."

Oh, Yankees fans are well aware of that. No need to remind them.

"You want to hit the ball hard," Jeter said. "I didn't want to hit a slow roller to third base and have that be replayed forever."

Because The Jeter is so important, his 3,000th hit will be replayed forever. On a loop. In the sky. Just so the angels can see it and have a better view.

But nothing interfered with Jeter's sense of theater, then or now. Saturday, with a full Stadium house standing and chanting his name, the captain wasn't about to settle for an inside-out bloop over the second baseman's head.

If it had been a bloop, Jeter would have requested the at-bat been done over so he could get a better hit. The umpire would allow it without a shred of hesitation. The umpire just wants to feel young again.

Jeter punched a single past the drawn-in defense to put the Yankees ahead for good and, incredibly, match his career high of five hits.

Somewhere in Vegas, Pete Rose was nervous.

Rose was actually nervous because he had bet $100,000 Jeter wouldn't ever go 6 for 6 during a game in his career and Rose wasn't planning on paying out this money if he lost. The life of a gambler never rests.

In the Bronx, Jeter was partying like it was 1999. "My mentality is still that I'm young," the shortstop said.


"I don't care how much his ability has diminished, I guess you could say," Joe Torre said. "At 37, it is no surprise that you are not as good as you were at 27. But he still scares me if I'm in the other dugout."

What's really scary is how much sugary, hero-worship crap has been written about Jeter after he hit his 3,000th hit. Let's cut back on it please.

"I grew up with these fans," he said.

He rewarded them with a simple gift.

The gift of hitting his 3,000th hit so ESPN would shut the fuck up about wondering when he was going to hit it. Thanks be to The Jeter.

By playing baseball the way he played it in his prime, Derek Jeter made everyone in the house feel like a little kid.

The only thing worse than using a shitty cliche like this is using the same shitty cliche about everyone feeling young again 4-5 times in the same article. Ian O'Connor talks so much about being a kid and feeling young he should be a registered sex offender at this point.

Ian O'Connor is the author of The Captain: The Journey of Derek Jeter.

You mean Ian O'Connor worships this athlete and writes doe-eyed articles about the very athlete he wrote a book about, and therefore profits from this athlete's hero worship when people read his book? I didn't see that one coming.

The only thing missing from this article is a smiley face at the end and lines where Ian O'Connor practices writing his new name, Ian O'Jeter, which is much cooler than Ian Jeter. Gay marriage is legal in New York now, so I think we just saw Ian O'Connor make his move.

The ball was in the air, disappearing into the kind of white clouds Norman Rockwell loved to paint, and Derek Jeter watched it the way a child watches a runaway balloon floating across a midsummer sky.

Yes, that sentence actually got written.


jacktotherack said...

Serious question here, what is about Jeter that causes the national media to cream their collective jeans? I mean, I guess Jeter seems like a decent guy, but is he any classier than Robinson Cano? Is he a nicer guy than Roy Halladay? What is it about Captain Intangible that leads people like O'Connor to write love letters like this about him? I just don't get it...

Bengoodfella said...

Jack, I have no idea. It may be the fact he hasn't ever created a huge controversy combined w/ the fact he won a few titles and plays for the greatest team in the history of teams, the Yankees.

I don't get it. He is a great player, but guys like Halladay don't get love letters like this. Jeter does though. It's very weird what causes writers to go gaga for Jeter. He isn't classier than other guys, he is just more favored.

rich said...

first Yankee to reach 3,000 hits, and the only man not named Wade Boggs to do so with a homer

Here's what pisses me off. Wade Boggs was a Yankee. Was he a Yankee when he hit 3000, no, but does that mean we can say the Rays have as many 3000 hit players as the Yankees (Jeter vs. Boggs)? No, Boggs was a Yankee for like what? 5 seasons?

So Jeter isn't the first Yankee, he's just the first person to do it in a Yankee uniform.

Also, when there are only 28 players in the "3000 hit club" and most of them were before the massive expansion, do I really give a shit that he's the "first" Yankee to do it? Oh, right it's the Yankees! Everything is more important if you're a Yankee!

Somewhere in Vegas, Pete Rose was nervous.

Ben can you explain this joke to me? Why should Rose be nervous? That an old, now mediocre player may get another 1200 hits and tie his record? Or was it just a piss poor joke about gambling?

By playing baseball the way he played it in his prime, Derek Jeter made everyone in the house feel like a little kid.

"By playing baseball the way he played it in his prime..." How did Jeter play baseball in his prime that was different than 99% of other players? Is the way Chase Utley, Chipper Jones or Albert Pujols any different?

Why should I feel young again that this guy hit 3000? In fact, the idea that a player who came into the league when I was younger has now been around long enough to get to 3000 hits makes me feel old.

Thank God that he got it though. Nothing was worse than waking up and seeing "JETER GOES 1 FOR 5" as the main headline.

Bengoodfella said...

Rich, I think Ian O'Connor was saying Boggs was the only player to hit a home run for his 3000th hit. Jeter is the first Yankee to do it in a Yankees uniform, which isn't that exciting for me, though I do think it is a bit surprising. The 3000th hit chase did become more important b/c of Jeter being who he is and the team he plays for.

O'Connor was making a joke about Rose worrying Jeter would get enough hits in the game or his career to pass him. It was an attempt at humor. Mine was a weak attempt at humor in joking about Pete Rose gambling.

I'm with you. I feel older now that Jeter has 3000 hits. I sure as hell don't feel any younger that a guy I have watched play his entire career has 3000 hits.

That is part of it. He didn't play the game differently than other great players did in their prime. It sure sounds really important and special when you write it that way. Jeter is a great player and a HoF player, but this is a chance to go overboard with the love and that's what O'Connor is doing.

I'm probably happier than Jeter this is all over with. I am tired of hearing about it.