Thursday, May 24, 2012

8 comments 75 Hours! Six Games! Magic Children!

Bill Simmons' writing has slowly become more and more about him. He doesn't necessarily write about sports or pop culture anymore. He writes about sports and pop culture as they pertain to him and his experiences in life. Bill's own experiences involving sports used to be in the background of his writing, but now sports are secondary to Bill's experiences with that sport. He has developed a very self-centric way of writing. Slowly Bill has come to believe because people enjoy his writing, they are extremely interested in his writing containing more and more references and discussions about him personally. Bill seems to have a case of only child syndrome. Apparently believing his SimmonsClones were clamoring for Bill to talk about his daughter a lot and hear about how he got to attend five playoff games in 75 hours, Bill has decided to write about the five playoff games he attended in 75 hours. He writes about how this affected him personally with the games as a mere backdrop to the exciting world that is Bill's life. It's like a reality television show, just in written form.

I don't dislike everything Bill Simmons writes, but this article is a great example of the type of writing I don't enjoy from him. It's self-centered and really isn't enjoyable. Of course the SimmonsClones will love it and I love poking them with a stick from time-to-time just to make sure they are still around.

You're gonna write about this, right?"

"I get recognized in public as a writer because I am famous. I just feel like I needed to remind you all of that. But other than being famous and people loving everything I do, I'm just like you. I write like I'm a fan. An extremely wealthy, self-involved fan who hangs out with celebrities and has nothing in common with 99.5% of my readers...but is still JUST LIKE YOU!"

Someone asked me that during halftime of Sunday night's Clippers-Spurs game. We were in the home stretch at that point: In the previous 74 hours, the same spot in downtown Los Angeles had somehow hosted six playoff games, two elimination games, two doubleheaders and an allegedly important cycling race.

I don't know how downtown Los Angeles did this. If I were Peter King I would congratulate downtown Los Angeles on hosting six playoff games in 75 hours.

If that wasn't enough, we also witnessed a solar eclipse and Antonio Cromartie's controversial halftime orgy with the Clippers dance squad. I only made one of those things up.

This is as opposed to his mailbags, where Bill makes up around 25% of the questions.

"Absolutely," I said. "I'm definitely writing about this."

"What's your angle gonna be? Just about going to all the games?"

"I only went to five of the six, but yeah."

"You should just lie and say you went to all six. That would be a good column."

"I can't lie, people saw me on Saturday night. I wasn't here."

"Dammit you asshole! I am famous and well-known among people in Los Angeles. I was at a party Saturday night. You know who else was there? Jimmy Kimmel. I know Jimmy Kimmel and he will blow my story wide open if I try to say I went to all six games. A person of my stature can't just pretend he was somewhere when everyone knows he was somewhere else. I get seen. By people. In public. Let me tell you a five-minute story about how my son crapped his diaper immediately after the Celtics lost Game 4 to the Sixers. HE KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN THAT GAME AND RESPONDED ACCORDINGLY!"

It's a great point. People love fibbing about fan-related stuff. Eight years after the Roberts Steal changed Boston sports history, are still talking about it as if it was the day the first woman President was elected or the day the Berlin Wall fell?

83 percent of the swollen Red Sox fan base claim they were in Fenway when it happened, and even better, that they never left to beat the traffic (even though so many others did).


When do we get the first "Baseball is boring this year and that's why interest is down" column from Bill Simmons? I think he'll wait until late-June and then if the Red Sox aren't competing for the AL East title Bill will proclaim this year in baseball is boring and state nobody cares about the sport anymore.

Hitting L.A. Live for six playoff games over the course of four nights? Harder than it sounds. You need connections

Which Bill has. He knows Jimmy Kimmel you know! Adam Carolla is absolutely more hilarious in real life too. Let Bill tell you a story about how Adam Carolla said something absolutely hilarious to Jimmy Kimmel one time...

You need money.

Which Bill has. Do you want to hear about Bill's man-cave upgrades? You don't? Too bad, he's going to eventually write about them in a column which is really about him bragging how nice the technology he has is under the guise of the column being about a sporting event. It will start off,

"So me and three friends decided to watch the 2012 NBA Finals Game 1 in my man-cave. My wife (inserts something women always do to get in the way of a man enjoying his life). So it became an issue because we wanted to watch the Red Sox game, (insert some random MTV show no one over the age of 18 cares about), and the NBA Finals at the same time. Fortunately, I now have 8 big screen televisions to watch them on, so we spent the entire night watching each of the televisions and didn't miss a second of the action. Our heads were flipping back and forth between televisions like (insert dated pop culture reference)."

You need to be single.

OH! Bill isn't single, so his wife dragged him to some stupid social event on Saturday night which caused him to miss the sixth game. I'm sure Bill brought his iPhone and a group of guys crowded around the phone to watch action of the game while the women talked about women-stuff like getting their periods, making their husbands' life miserable through their constant need to engage in conversation and why Bill Simmons seems to have a semi-hatred for women.

Or, you need to be me.

Well Bill, as we have learned through nearly over a decade of reading your columns, we will never be matter how hard we try, your life experiences and ideas trump every other life experience and idea anyone else has ever had. BILL SIMMONS FOR MAGIC GM! He'll trade Dwight Howard for Andrew Bynum/Devin Ebanks, sign Kevin Garnett to a three year contract and then sign Steve Nash to a five year contract. Who says "no" to this?

A few years ago, that once-downtrodden area was improbably transformed from a collection of hideous above-ground parking lots to the perpetually happy "L.A. Live," a multi-block complex featuring dozens of offices (including Grantland's headquarters),

Another little reminder that Grantland is succeeding beyond his wildest dreams. Kudos to him of course, it was a great idea. Still, I feel like this is a passive-aggressive brag about the location fo the Grantland offices. I've referred to Bill as that 11 year old kid many people knew as they were growing up. He was the kid with the massive ego who always believed his stuff was better than your stuff and always felt the need to remind you of all the cool shit he did in a passive-aggressive way. It isn't a humblebrag really. It's more of a passive-aggressive brag.

"My dad and I went to a car show yesterday. There were a ton of fast cars there like a Camero, a Ferrari, a Corvette (my father owns two of them) and the 330 horsepower Mustang which costs as much as our backyard swimming pool did by the way."

You couldn't ask for a better host for consecutive doubleheaders, simply because it's such an underrated place to waste time.

Congratulations again Los Angeles on hosting so many playoff games in 75 hours!

My favorite L.A. Live story before last weekend: A few months ago, a Kings home game at Staples Center started at the exact same time as a Wiz Khalifa concert at the Nokia Theatre, inadvertently creating the single funniest swarm of congestion that's ever happened. Let's just say there wasn't a ton of overlap between the two fan bases.

There were a bunch of wealthy white people and poor black people in the same area! Bill left Boston and moved to Los Angeles to get away from poor black people, yet here they are again showing up for a rap concert. What a crazy story! This has probably never happened in the history of the United States for two different events marketed towards two different groups of people to be scheduled at the same time. Thanks for sharing this story. Your life is enthralling. I'm riveted.

That story got supplanted by my new favorite story about L.A. Live, which happened Saturday during the first of two doubleheaders: Two of my friends caught the Clippers-Spurs game, then found themselves with three hours to kill before the Lakers-OKC game. Hmmmmm … three hours … MOVIE!

So two guys had some downtime and they went to a movie! That's now my favorite story about L.A. Live. I'm going to pretend I was there and experienced this firsthand.

They checked out movie theater times and found a perfect window to see The Dictator.

I want to say this play-by-play before actually getting to the point of this story is absolutely necessary. Very interesting. Did they get popcorn? Would Jimmy Kimmel have enjoyed the movie? More importantly, what did Bill's daughter think of the commercials for "The Dictator?"

So they walk over to the Regal Cinemas, buy tickets, sit down …

Whoa, whoa...back up a bit. What theater number was the movie playing in? You can't just go from them buying tickets to them sitting down. Spare no detail when telling this story.

and who do they see in another row killing time like them? That's right, Jimmy Goldstein, the stylish millionaire who sits courtside for seemingly every NBA playoff game, wears colorful leather jackets, sits next to long-legged blondes and always looks like he just smoked the biggest bowl on the planet. You know, this guy. Did Jimmy bring one of those long-legged blondes to The Dictator? Of course he did!

This story could easily have been told in a more timely fashion. It could have gone, "my two friends went to see a movie in between two playoff games and saw Jimmy Goldstein at the theater with a long-legged blonde."

Really, it took none of the interest out of the story to shorten it to one sentence. Of course if Bill was succinct in telling the story he wouldn't be able to show off clever he is in telling stories.

Actually, the entirety of last weekend was probably L.A. Live's greatest moment:

I'm glad Bill has spent 10% of this column space deciding which moment in the history of a group of buildings was that group of buildings' greatest moment. This isn't an unnecessary space-killer at all.

You know what actually happened?

Remember this is a column about sports. We are 25% of the way through the column and we haven't even come close to hearing about these sporting events. We've heard about the buildings around these sporting events and heard about why Bill didn't attend all six playoff games. This is what happens when you are Bill Simmons and your writing has become uninspired, so you want to stop writing forever but don't quite have the guts to do this yet.

That moniker alone scared people off the roads, inadvertently creating the best summer driving weekend of the decade. In all my time living here, that remains the only time I ever topped 100 miles an hour on the 10.

That's great. You have a fast car and were able to drive fast. Again. Your life = riveting.

I'm partial to "The Playoff Eclipse" because, again, I'm almost positive we won't see another American city host six playoff games in 75 hours during the same weekend as a solar eclipse. If you can beat it, feel free.

I'll jump right on trying to beat this arbitrary and irrelevant record the city of Los Angeles has set. Also, "The Playoff Eclipse" isn't a very good name for this weekend of games.

Then comes a story about his daughter having a favorite L.A. Kings player, which I am pretty sure Bill has written about previously over the last month or so.

I find myself caught up in a moment like the last two minutes of that Kings game — when you're embedded in the heart of 20,000 people basically losing their shit — and you think to yourself, Oh, yeah, that's why I do this for a living.

Bill, you don't write about sports for a living. You write about yourself, sporting events and how they made you feel, and then make up some bullshit about theories, corollaries, and answer a few mailbag questions from SimmonsClones who for some inexplicable reason require approval from you. No matter what I think about Bill's writing, I know one thing. That one thing is he doesn't write about sports. I'm not even sure he is a fan of sports. He is a fan of the storylines around sports, but I sometimes doubt he enjoys the actual sporting events themselves.

I had brought my buddy Geoff

Back up a bit Bill. Where is Geoff visiting from? This is crucial to the story because I don't read your columns to read about sports, I read your columns to hear about you and your friends. It's all about you.

(visiting from Sonoma)

Thank you. Carry on.

I can't handle what happened in Game 7 of the 2010 Finals for a variety of reasons

I can't handle you talking about what happened in Game 7 of the 2010 Finals ever again. Let it go and accept the Lakers beat the Celtics.

— most notably, the fact that the Celtics blew the title

They didn't lose, they blew the title. The Lakers deserve little to no credit of course for winning this game, meanwhile every playoff victory for the Celtics is another dedication to grit, hard work, Ubuntu, and desire the team shows on a nightly basis which requires a 5000 word column to accurately describe.

but letting Kobe off the hook was my second-biggest regret. After Kobe single-handedly shot the Lakers out of that game, the Celtics only needed to score a couple of times in the third quarter to steal a title that, again, Kobe was gift-wrapping for them.

And yet the Celtics didn't score a couple of times to steal the title and the Lakers won.

Trust me, I was there. The fans were catatonic. You could practically hear them recalibrating Kobe's legacy in their own heads.

Trust me, I watched the game on television. The fans' reaction doesn't matter and can't be used as any proof the Celtics should have won that game.

If you were a Boston fan, would you want to willingly enter a world in which Kobe wears a superhero's cap, everyone wears yellow and "I Love L.A." blares after every victory?

And yet, Bill did willingly enter a world in which Kobe wears a superhero's cap, everyone wears yellow and "I Love L.A." blares after each victory. So he wants sympathy from his readers for attending a game he chose to attend and had great seats for. That sounds about right.

I didn't think so.

Oh no, I would absolutely do it. I'd love to attend a Lakers-Celtics game in L.A.

The Staples staff hustled everyone out, turned the arena over, burned some sage to get rid of Donald Sterling's aura, then reopened the doors for Game 4 of the Lakers-OKC series. I skipped this one because

And I skipped this part of the column because "because" doesn't matter. I don't read Bill's columns to hear about his personal life and I would bet others feel the same way. If someone does read a Bill Simmons column simply to hear about what his friends and family have to say...well that's very, very pathetic and I'd like to meet this person so I could tell him/her this.

Could we keep the momentum going on Sunday? The morning started off with an off-putting vibe because of the aformentioned bike race, which spawned a Carmageddon-like panic because it shut down so many of the morning's traffic routes. Kings fans were urged to show up three hours early and to even — gulp — take the subway to be safe. Personally, I would rather drive my car through the bike race and pancake some of the cyclists than take the L.A. subway.

Are there too many middle-class people on the subway?

Fortunately, my special L.A. Live parking pass enabled my daughter and me to circumvent the traffic, park, grab brunch AND watch the first wave of cyclists fly by toward the finish line.

Another passive-aggressive brag and the second time Bill has referenced Grantland's offices being in L.A. Live. Also notice how Bill doesn't have an L.A. Live parking pass, but a "special" L.A. Live pass. Again, I don't understand how Bill's loyal readers don't see him as braggart and coming off as self-important. The man clearly loves himself some Bill Simmons. Bill thinks the most impressive thing about Bill Simmons is being Bill Simmons.

This ended up being one of my favorite father-daughter moments in a while.

I need a play-by-play of this moment. I desire to know more about your life.

We stood in front of The Farm for 10 solid minutes waiting for the leaders as my daughter — becoming more and more excited by the second — fired questions at me like a district attorney. How many riders? How fast do they go? Do you think they'll have an accident?

Has any child ever fired questions at their parent? Probably not. Bill's daughter seems much more intelligent than a normal child would be, as well as better connected to understanding the irrelevant parts of sporting events just like her father is.

My daughter jumped on their bandwagon this season after we bought Kings season tickets, quickly embracing them and the NHL in general. (This is a whole other column.)

A column that I absolutely beg of you to never write. Your daughter's opinion on sports is absolutely irrelevant and should never be considered relevant in any way as to be posted on Grantland.

I talked about this about a year ago, but I'm going to go at it again. By talking about his daughter constantly, Bill is opening up her to the public. By this I mean, he is allowing people to become interested in his daughter's opinion and what she has to say. So when his readers show an interest in his daughter, and this could include at some point a picture being taken of his family members while out in public, Bill can't get angry about this. Bill seems to be a very private person, but if he wants to stay that way he should stop making his daughter and son a featured part of his column. I don't make personal attacks on people or mock a person's family, but Bill seems to be making his daughter a feature part of some of his columns and I would feel bad making fun of a six year old.

If you remember, my beloved Red Sox won the World Series for the first time in 86 years just a few weeks after she was conceived,

Yes, I remember exactly when your daughter was conceived. Your life history is charted out on my bedroom wall in a way that looks like I'm Claire Danes on the show "Homeland" trying to figure out what Sergeant Brody is up to.

(See? Anyone can make bad pop culture references)

Bill has such an enormous ego he expects his readers to recall when his children were born in relation to when his favorite team won the World Series. It's true. Bill Simmons does officially believe the world revolves around him.

so I wasn't even a little surprised when she turned around the unlucky Kings and made them a contender.

Bill's daughter is magic!

One other issue I feel like I need to mention. Notice how Bill seemed to only attend a few regular season Kings games with the two tickets that Grantland has, but when it comes time for the playoffs he is at every game? No one else at Grantland gets those playoffs tickets. The man is a front-runner to his very core. There is no bandwagon he is afraid to jump on. Even if he isn't a Kings fan, he is a front-runner in that he chases teams who have success so he can write about this success. Then he will attempt to describe the fan base's train of thought through the team's history as if he is the Fan Base Whisperer or something. He did this very thing a few weeks ago in the Clippers-Chris Paul column I posted.

As the third period limped along with the Kings trailing by two, my daughter vainly tried to get a few "Let's Go Kings" chants going, then turned around and yelled in frustration, "What's the matter with everybody?"

The magical child can't get a "Let's Go Kings" chant going? What is going with this world? This child singlehandedly made the Kings a better team by her mere presence at games and the crowd won't respect this child prodigy enough to chant with her?

it's the chemistry of the 2012 Spurs that leaves you breathless. I know, that's a weird thing to write. How can chemistry leave you breathless?

It really can't. This only happens when you are reaching so hard for a metaphor to describe what you want to say that you just lazily settle for a terrible sentence like this, followed by a question where you seem to be acknowledging you have no idea what you are talking about.

Duncan gleefully congratulating Danny Green after Green stopped Chris Paul at the end of Game 4. Duncan wasn't happy that Green came through for the Spurs; he was happy for Green as a friend.

And again, Bill's ability to read minds comes through when we need it. Of course Bill could also have known Duncan considers his teammates to be friends and cheers for them in that way by reading the Sports Illustrated article on Tim Duncan this past week. I'm sure this is something Bill knew intuitively though.

Watching the Spurs and their bench reacting to that moment (totally locked in, totally expecting the Clippers to cave), you could just tell where the game was going. I even tweeted about it.

Of course this Tweet was made as the Spurs started to come back in the game and after Bill's previous Tweet which said,

"Interesting subplot if Clips keep lead in the 20's - at what point in 2nd half does Popp pack it in because they're playing again tomorrow?

Apparently that feeling Bill had that the Clippers were going to cave didn't come until the Spurs actually started to come back. It's a bit easier to get this feeling once the comeback has started.

Over everything else that happened during the Playoff Eclipse, I will remember the San Antonio Spurs waltzing through town, laying the smack down and leaving with a smile.

Not me. I will remember the best three moments in the history of L.A. Live and the fact the "Playoff Eclipse" is a terrible name for a weekend that had six playoff games in 75 hours. It sounds like a bad sports-related "Twilight" book.


rich said...

83 percent of the swollen Red Sox fan base

I just love when people make up stats and choose "odd" numbers to make it seem more true.

I also love the arrogance he has when he's accusing others of making stuff up, when I'm sure his stories are in no way, shape or form exaggerated.

You need connections

Huh? I'm pretty sure anyone with the money to go could just as easily use StubHub.

You need to be single.

Why? It's six games in 75 hours... it's not like you aren't abandoning your family/gf if you go.

If you're married and have the money to go to six playoff games, I'm sure you can convince your wife to excuse your absence for three days.

Or, you need to be me.

What he meant to say was: you need a job that pays you a ton of money that you can do whenever you want so you can go to sporting events during the day.

I'm going to pretend I was there and experienced this firsthand.

I went to the Avengers, what'd you see?

You know, this guy.

I have no idea who he is, so I clicked the link. Dude looks like cured leather.

In all my time living here, that remains the only time I ever topped 100 miles an hour on the 10.

1) Why does he feel the need to talk about this? I'm sure most people have hit triple digits at least once.

2) Something tells me Simmonds isn't the kind of guy who goes anywhere near 100.

Oh, yeah, that's why I do this for a living.

Says the Bruins fan who swore off the Bruins the year before they won the Cup.

I skipped this one because

I love how he said he "skipped" it, not "had other shit to do." Nope, he just didn't want to go.

Plus, if you write an article about how awesome something is (and give it a stupid nickname) and then skip part of it...


so I wasn't even a little surprised when she turned around the unlucky Kings and made them a contender.

Unlucky? They had more points last year (98) than this year (95) and had a higher seed last year (7) than this year (8).

They just had much better match ups this year than last year plus the play of Quick that has carried the Kings through the playoffs.

Oh and Lombardi making some gutsy trades for Richie and Carter.

But wait, there's more!

Many people thought the Kings had a chance to compete this year. They struggled in the regular season, but they're not exactly a "holy crap how did that happen" story like the 2010 Flyers.

So, GFY Bill. You and your family had nothing to do with the Kings.

Justin Zeth said...

This was the very first time in all these years that I started reading a Bill Simmons article and quit reading it in disgust. About three paragraphs in I realized this was going to have nothing to do with sports at all. I mean, usually he at least holds up a pretense it's about sports while he goes on and on about how awesome his life is. Not this time.

I don't know, maybe I just read it in a weird way that's unwarranted, or maybe I haven't been hard enough on him before now. But this particular article felt like a real turning point to me where Simmons has gone off the deep end re: being in love with his own legend.

Bengoodfella said...

Rich, 76.5% of Bill's stats are 34% accurate.

You know Bill has to create categories for everything, so the only ppl who can make it to 6 playoff games in one place has a criteria as well.

That guy is a huge NBA fan and is very wealthy. Therefore women seem to love him. Funny how that works. I'm not a woman, so I don't see the appeal at all.

I have no idea why he's talking about going 100mph.

Don't you see though, the Bruins were run by a guy who didn't run the team well and wouldn't spend money. Bill was a hockey widow until he decided the Bruins "spent enough money" and "had good enough ownership" which is just a fancy way of saying the team became very good.

Interesting points about the Kings. Those are things I didn't know. may help to know more about hockey so I can fully criticize Bill.

Justin, this article had nothing to with sports. I don't know if this article is a turning point because I'm not sure if there is a specific turning point I can find. He's slowly become this very self-centric writer who truly seems to believe his life is interesting enough to hear about in every single column. I blame this on the fact he hasn't given a ton of information over the years out about his wife/kids, so his loyal fans eat this stuff up. They think it is cute and creative and don't realize all kids do the same shit Bill's kids do.

This might be one of the first articles I can remember him writing where the tie to sports is just not really there. It's more about him and the experience with very little insight on the sporting event. I don't know if there is a turning point, but this seems to be a gradual shit to where he believes his own legend and believes the world wants to hear more about what it is like to be Bill Simmons.

cs said...

True story: I once attended a Redskins game and that same night saw the Wizards play. Was wild.

rich said...


If you ever need someone to shit all over some terrible hockey writing, light up a signal and I'll feed you whatever you need to know.

I'll add to my Kings' remarks:

Last year, they lost in the first round to SJ, a team they didn't particularly match up well (like I said before).

SJ of course, before completely melting down this year, was the Western Conference runner up last year.

So SJ won the series 4 games to 2. A respectable effort...

three of SJ's wins came in OT

The King's losses were by the scores of:

3-2 (OT)
6-5 (OT)
4-3 (OT)

The Kings won 4-1 and 3-0

Basically, when Quick played well they won. When he (and/or the D) didn't play well, they lost.

So far, the Kings have allowed 2 or less goals in 12 of their playoff games this year.

The Kings lost 3-1 to Vancouver in the first round and won 4-3 in OT in the conference finals.

That's it. Those are the only games the opposition has scored more than 2 goals.

So basically - it's the same team with the same offensive issues (although much better since they acquired Carter), Quick has just been lights out in the playoffs.

As I said before, is it a little shocking how the Kings managed to turn it around in the playoffs? Yes of course. They've just obliterated everyone they've played.

Then again, they played a Vancouver team that rarely shows up in the playoffs, a Blues team that was missing their starting goalie and a similarly overachieving Phoenix team.

Did I think they would make the SC finals? Of course not, but does it surprise me? We're talking about a team that allowed the second fewest goals in hockey during the regular season, so no, not at all.

I think ultimately, Simmons annoyance is a result of something you aptly pointed out:

There is no bandwagon he is afraid to jump on.

The entire charm of Simmons' persona is that he's a regular guy, who knows what it's like to see their favorite team suffer crippling loss after crippling loss.

I watched the Phillies suck for years and years, then lose in 93.

I suffered through mediocre Sixers teams until AI and the 2000 Finals loss.

I suffered through some real bad Giants teams with Kannell, Brown, etc. (and at 5 years old when they won in 1991, hadn't personally experienced them in their glory years).

Then there's the Flyers - so good every year and yet, can't win. In 45 years as a franchise, they've played in 10 finals. TEN! And they've won twice. They've lost their last 8 and came up short in at least 3 ECFs (lost to TB when TB won, NJ when NJ won [had a 3-1 series lead] and Pitt when Pitt lost to Detroit).

So ya, before the Sox were winning, I could handle all that crap because it was like reading someone who had suffered the same way I had.

And what's amazing is that most sports fans can relate to that.

Houston has three sports teams with what? 2 championships between them?

Milwaukee has two sports teams and 1 championship.

Buffalo has two with 0 championships.

and you can do that for quite a few teams - Heck, Carolina has three teams and 1 championship.

When he was losing and miserable - we could identify with him. His cautious optimism when they were playing well, his "oh not again" when they weren't.

Then they started winning and all of a sudden his entire persona became unbearable. Everything was overexaggerated, every loss was crippling; every win the best ever.

Once you win, your perspective really does change.

Now that every team he follows has won in the past 10 years, shit like his Kobe winning the Finals MVP aren't funny anymore, they're annoying.

It's like a guy who has a smoking hot gf complaining that someone else has a gf with a nicer tan.

The fact that he's now picking up on teams that are recently becoming successful is fucking unbearable.

Bengoodfella said...

cs, I hope we see the 5000 word column on your experience at these two games. If you brought a magic child who is a good luck charm, feel free to add 1000 other words about that.

Rich, my problem is I don't know if it is bad hockey writing or not. I really need to extend my reach to hockey. My 10 year plan to become a hockey fan doesn't seem like it is going to move fast enough.

So basically, the Kings are a team that doesn't have enough offense to win games in the playoffs, but they aren't giving up goals so they have just enough offense. It's like a baseball team with a bad offense winning games in the playoffs b/c they aren't giving up runs. I wonder if Bill knew all of these things you said. Otherwise, there is a pretty simple explanation for their success in the playoffs that doesn't have anything to do with his daughter.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with Bill. He seems to jump on bandwagons (Zombie Sonics, Clippers, Kings, etc) without actually being a fan of these teams. It's hard to identify with him because his teams are successful, but he is pretending to be a huge fan of these other teams he doesn't have the background in cheering for. It annoys me overall when he tries to be the superfan of a team like that. He wants to be the regular guy, but he really isn't a regular guy anymore, and it's hard to identify with him because he hasn't suffered with these other teams like he wants us to believe he has.

There are a bunch of "tortured" cities because every year only team can win a title. I feel lucky even if Carolina only has 1 title and three teams. The state has only had three franchises for a few years now and the first sports team was in 1989. There isn't a huge history here. I've seen 3 NFC Championship Games played by the NFL team since 1995, the Hornets were really fun to watch in the 90's and the Hurricanes won a title a few years ago. Bill's whining a/b being tortured act is never going to be the same again. His teams have had success and now he's trying to jump on another bandwagon to get the vibe back.

David G. said...

I have been souring on BS since his smug 07 pats writing (We all saw him slipping even before this but I was in denial), but I've just now got to the point of quitting reading him altogether. After the "Chris" Paul column and finally reaching the tipping point of the name-dropping/hiring his friends at GL/Celts homerism/Kobe hate (Seriously, remember when the C's tried to get CP3? How insufferable would this guy have been?) I came to the conclusion he just didn't interest me anymore. I'm not saying I'll never read him again (like a boycott or something), just that there's 2 or 3 BS columns up since then and I haven't even clicked them. That's the first time that's EVER happened since 2001, when I was 14. Back in the day when my family for a while didn't have a computer, I would even suffer through my flip-phone's joke of a connection to read him. So yeah. I'm writing this because I identified with Justin Zeth's comment in this thread.

The point is, I googled Bill Simmons sucks/Grantland sucks (elephant in the room alert) and started reading some of the archives here, particularly about columns I remember hating at the time. I came back to the front page of it and saw this post and literally lol'd ('Who says no?') because it was like a "The Greatest Hits of Crap Simmons" column.

Great work, by the way.

I just wish even 6 of every 24 (!) BS columns were of his old quality. Simmons sucks now, and that makes me kind of sad.

Bengoodfella said...

David, thanks for reading. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You have probably read this, but I believe Bill doesn't really feel the urge to write anymore. That's why there is a decline in quality because he is sort of going through the motions with it all at this point. This column was very much not about sports. I used to print out his columns and read them on my lunch breaks and even read them religiously while I was in college. I got to the point I knew a Simmons column was coming and would refresh the page every 30 minutes to see when it posted.

For me, I think the turning point happened after he came back from writing for the Kimmel show. I think it was clear at that point that writing about sports was a sort of backup career for him. It was proven true as he began to write books and expand his reach, all while writing his columns that seemed to be declining in quality. At this point the Pats had won 3 Super Bowls and the Red Sox had won 2 World Series and he wasn't even close to being the voice of the fan anymore. So what we ended up with were columns he wrote b/c he was contractually obligated to do so and his writing seems to have changed from the way he previously wrote. I don't know if this was due to his change in circumstances financially, his move to Los Angeles where he rubbed elbows with famous people or it was due to writing becoming the 3rd/4th part of his job and not a priority.

So long story...long, you are absolutely right. His writing suffers from a decline in quality and an increase in hubris. I think he has taken our interest in his writing as an interest in him personally and what he and his friends do and say. He used to relay stories a/b he and his friends, but they now come off as annoying and egotistical rather than how they used to sound to many readers. That's just my opinion.

What's most irritating is I know he is a talented writer and a talented person. Grantland was a great idea. I do have some issues with the execution of the idea, but he's clearly talented. I wish he would focus his talents less on his life and more on improving the quality of his writing.

Nice 6 of 24 comment. Guess what Pierce shot in Game 7 of the 2008 NBA Finals? He was 4 of 13 in that game. That's not a hell of a lot better than 6 of 24. Bill never would bring this up.