8 comments MMQB Review: Do Not Dare Attempt to Confirm What Peter's Last Name Is Edition

I have created a BotB Yahoo Fantasy Football League if anyone cares to join. There should be some rule changes this year as compared to last year's league. Either way, the league ID is 250429 and the password is "eckstein." I put a message up on the board there about some possible rule changes in the league. If you have an opinion, feel free to chime in. We only have room for two more players. I have also created a College Football Yahoo Pick 'Em league if anyone cares to join that league. The league ID is 5656 and the password is "asu."

Peter King was on part of his NFL camp tour in the South last week and he described to us how the free hotel food just wasn't up to par. What good is being able to travel around the United States if you can't have the same bowl of cereal you have every morning for breakfast no matter what part of the country you are in? Peter also heroically called for our leaders to "lead and something" about this gun violence. The amount of specificity and ideas for a solution in that request has inspired our nation's leaders to take immediate action. This week Peter is impressed with Neckbeard first preseason game, updates us all on Chad Johnson because apparently someone other than Dolphins fans care about him, and hates to be inconvenienced when hotel clerks ask him what his last name is.

One thing I noticed about the kid quarterbacks playing early -- Andrew Luck, Robert Griffin III, Ryan Tannehill and Brandon Weeden -- is none of them had happy feet in their pro debuts.

And we all know preseason is the best way to ensure a first impression is the lasting and correct impression. It is one game in the preseason, so those not getting happy feet probably doesn't mean that much.

In discussing Brandon Weeden, it is important to know he's not going to get happy feet in the pocket. He's been through too much in his life to get nervous about playing quarterback against a tough pass rush. Weeden went through a tour in Operation Desert Storm in January 1991, he was drafted in the second round of the MLB Draft by Yankees (as the eventual replacement for Mickey Mantle), then he got traded for Lou Brock, and Weeden now has four children and seven grandchildren who look up to him. He's not going to be scared by an NFL pass rush. Plus, he has some numbness in his feet so it's hard for his feet to be overly happy and he always has his Social Security check to fall back on in case his NFL dream fails. I'm not worried about Weeden, he'll be fine.

Ten storylines of the first full weekend of football (albeit faux exhibition football) since January:

No, it is pretty much true exhibition football.

1. The big rookies didn't look like rookies.I wrote about Robert Griffin III from Buffalo the other night and noted that the best thing about his first pro performance is he never looked like a rookie. Ditto Andrew Luck on Sunday. The combined stat line for the top two picks in the 2012 draft is certainly no indication that they'll be enshrined in Canton someday, but it's certainly better than the alternative:

Actually, it isn't necessarily certainly better than the alternative. By stating one great preseason performance doesn't mean Luck/Griffin will be enshrined in Canton, this also means one bad preseason performance doesn't mean Luck/Griffin will be mediocre NFL quarterbacks. If the preseason doesn't mean much and we can't draw definite conclusions from a preseason performance, then if Luck/Griffin looked terrible we probably couldn't draw a conclusion from that either. So looking good in one preseason game could give no indication as to their future prospects, just like looking bad could give no indication as to their future prospects.

I can tell you this: When I was in Dolphins camp 12 days ago, it was the day Johnson did his irreverent press conference, saying he'd go into porn if he didn't make the Dolphins, that he was going to take his mates to a strip club on a day off, and other typical Chad malarkey. You know what's wrong with Johnson?

He is an idiot whose sometimes idiotic comments, made in an effort to gain attention, have been eaten up by the media, which has resulted in Chad Johnson acting like more of an idiot in an effort to gain more attention from a more-than-willing and enabling media?

Spoiler alert: This isn't what's wrong with Johnson and Peter fails to see how the media has enabled Johnson.

He doesn't understand his environment. You think a straight-shooter like Joe Philbin's going to laugh at stuff like that? He's not -- and I can tell you, he didn't. Johnson had very little margin for error in Miami, and spending a night in jail over a domestic dispute erased the margin.

And of course not understanding his environment hasn't come from the attention he gets from the media for his antics. Not at all. How would Chad Johnson have ever gotten the idea he can do whatever crazy thing he wants to do and it be looked at as cute and quirky if he had not gotten such positive feedback from media and fans alike previously for his antics?

3. Peyton's back, but not all the way back. In his first game action since the Pro Bowl 18 months ago, Peyton Manning played one series at Chicago, and it ended with a slightly off-target interception. But all that matters is he got through it, felt good and reported no problems with either his surgically repaired neck or his right arm.

Just a few paragraphs ago Peter said a good preseason performance beat the alternative of a bad preseason performance. In the case of Peyton Manning I guess a bad performance doesn't matter.

7. If not for bad luck, the Browns would have no luck. Rookie rushing savior Trent Richardson had a scope on his aching knee Thursday; he's likely but not certain to play in the opener. Cleveland's best defensive back, Joe Haden, could be suspended for four weeks for taking a drug usually used to combat narcolepsy and attention deficit disorder.

Haden took a drug for narcolepsy? I guess that gives new meaning to the phrase sometimes used when a cornerback gets beaten deep for a touchdown, "The corner looked like he was asleep out there." In Haden's case, it could have been true.

Now for my week's travelogue, which started with a 607-mile jaunt from Georgia to the shadow of the nation's capital and finished in the parched midwest.

By "parched" Peter King means that the midwest didn't have any Starbucks coffee shops. Peter doesn't get why presidential candidates are touring the midwest in these so-called "swing states." Why would a presidential candidate go to an area without a Starbucks, even if it means they gain votes?

I know mobility is a great attribute for a quarterback, particularly in a division when you're facing DeMarcus Ware, Trent Cole, Jason Babin, Jason Pierre-Paul, Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck each twice a year. But Griffin weighs 217 pounds. Getting him out on the flank so much, trying to make people miss, is a dangerous proposition.

I actually agree with Peter King on this issue. We all make fun of the bad comparisons between two players, like when a white player is always compared to another white player or because one quarterback has an attribute then he gets compared to another quarterback with that attribute. I've seen the Newton-Griffin comparison and I don't get it. I think Griffin-Vick is a more accurate comparison and that makes me worry for Griffin because Vick has had injuries throughout his career. These injuries weren't necessarily because of his scrambling style, but his scrambling style certainly didn't help.

Before you argue, "Well, Cam Newton ran 128 times last year and he never got hurt,'' let me remind you that Newton's a full-grown thoroughbred and Griffin's a young colt. Griffin is not Newton. At 217 pounds, RGIII is 31 pounds lighter than Newton, and doesn't have the physical suit of armor Newton has.

It's no fun when I agree with Peter King, but he's right about this. Newton isn't trying to run the ball 128 times this year either. I like Griffin and want him to succeed, but the combination of getting hit while running the ball along with the hits he will inevitably take in the pocket scares me he will be somewhat injury-prone.

I talked to one influential Redskin source here, who said, basically, that Griffin ran with abandon for the past two years and didn't get hurt. I looked it up: 26 Baylor games, 328 rushes, 12.6 rushes per game, and he survived.

This Redskin source is an idiot if he doesn't understand the difference in the NFL game and the college game. In the NFL there are 11 of that one guy on the opposing college team who is athletic enough to chase a quarterback down. The competition in the NFL is elite, while the Big 12 defenses were not elite. So reciting college statistics doesn't go far to convince me.

Griffin looked great running in this practice. One advantage: He had the red shirt on. No one could touch him. Look at a 15-day stretch in October on the Redskins' schedule. Jared Allen, the Giants, James Harrison. I'm thinking Griffin might want a bullet-proof vest as well as the EvoShield.

A bullet-proof vest? Really, Peter? When is someone going to do something about all this gun violence in the United States? Isn't that what Peter asked last week? Now he's using violent gun imagery to prove a point. I'm shocked, saddened, outraged, slightly tired, mostly angered, and appalled at Peter's outrage at gun violence in America while he uses violent gun imagery that most likely caused 4-5 high schoolers to read MMQB, go buy a gun, and then use it to shoot their classmates. Congratulations Peter, you are now part of the problem.

I don't consider a third receiver (Mario Manningham) and backup running back (Brandon Jacobs) big losses, nor are Martellus Bennett or Sean Locklear anything but meh acquisitions.

Peter will think these are "meh" acquisitions until mid-December when he writes his annual "Jerry Reese makes a ton of moves that no one thinks are smart moves" column after Bennett catches 70 passes or Locklear becomes a crucial part of the Giants' offensive line.

It's all starting to add up now. Rex Ryan says the Jets are going ground and pound. Jets trade for Tim Tebow. Jets want Tim Tebow to play a role. Tebow bulks up to 250. The new offensive coordinator, Tony Sparano, brought the Wildcat back to football four years ago, and there's little doubt he's going to use Tebow in some diverse roles out of the backfield here.

You can't fool Peter King! It may have taken him some time, but he figured out after the Jets signed Ex-QB Punt Protector Jets and after the Jets brought back an offensive coordinator who has experience with the Wildcat that the Jets are planning on using Ex-QB Punt Protector Jets as a quarterback in the Wildcat formation AND Ex-QB Punt Protector Jets may end up throwing the ball a little bit. It's all so wild and crazy, but Peter won't get fooled for long. He's on to the New York Jets, even if it took three months for him to get there.

Westhoff rubs his hands in glee, gets Tebow into his team meetings, and Tebow suggests a few ways he can be used.

(Rex Ryan) "Help us think of some ways you can be used Tim. Just brainstorm real quickly."

(Tim Tebow) "I'd really like to speak to the team about Christ, if I could do that."

(Rex Ryan) "No, no, not at all. Like how are we going to use you on the football field? I need you to provide ideas to me about this."

(Tim Tebow) "Like I was used in Denver. I will be used as a sideshow in an effort to expand the fan base through my constant talking about Christ and my religion. The media loves me and I am a good person, so it works out well."

(Rex Ryan) "What I mean is...if I put you on the field, how can you score points to win games for us?"

(Tim Tebow) "It's not about scoring points and winning games. It's about honoring Him through the people you touch on a dail---"

(Rex Ryan) "Son of a motherfucking bitch. Are you stupid or something? I don't need your damn ideas then. You will play quarterback from time to time. Decision made (Rex Ryan walks away)."

(Tim Tebow calls after him desperately) "But coach, I'm not really comfortable playing quarterback!"

It says here a good chunk of the ground-and-pounding will come from the 250-pound quarterback/punt protector/option runner. I'll put the over/under of Tebow's average snaps per game, including plays in the kicking and punting game, at 18. And if I had to go to Vegas with that, give me the over.

I don't dislike Ex-QB Punt Protector Jets, but can he go away? Forever? I'm tired of talking about him.

Arizona: Rookie Ryan Lindley, the sixth-round quarterback from San Diego State, isn't far behind incumbents Kevin Kolb and John Skelton. Don't see him playing anything but a cameo this year, though, barring the other two stinking up the place.

And yet again, did it really make sense to draft Michael Floyd and give the shaky quarterbacks another receiver they have trouble getting the ball to consistently? I feel like Early Doucet and Andre Roberts are sufficient at wide receiver for the time being and the Cardinals should have focused on other areas in the draft. I'm still vexed by this.

New Orleans: The Drew Brees- and Chase Daniel-led offense (and don't laugh; Daniel was very good the day we watched) will not let Sean Payton's absence drag down a great attack.

BREAKING NEWS: Drew Brees is a good quarterback even when Sean Payton isn't his head coach.

Just before 3 a.m. Friday, the SI-EvoShield NFL Training Camp Tour docked in Sandusky, Ohio, and I roused myself and walked to the front desk of one of the local hotels. I said hello to the gal behind the desk and handed her my photo ID drivers license and my American Express card to check in. She looked at the cards and put them down next to her keyboard.

"Last name, sir?''

Not quite believing she asked this question after I handed her two plastic cards with my full name on both, I said, "Schwartz.''

Peter isn't satisfied if he isn't being dick to someone working in a customer service position. It's bad enough these people don't recognize how much better than them he is. Then they dare to ask him questions he is expected to answer? Peter is the one who asks the questions, not the one who answers questions.

She typed away for three or four seconds, and then said, "Uhhhhh ... "

"Last name is King,'' I said. "Just curious -- why'd you ask me my last name when I just handed you my license and my credit card?''

"Because I wanted to and you can't get a room key without checking-in through me. Just curious, why are you an asshole who refuses to answer my questions honestly?"

"Well, we just want to make sure it's you who's checking in instead of someone using your identification,'' she said.

This policy is trying to protect Peter from someone checking into the hotel under his name and charging a whole lot of shit on his credit card. It's probably a hotel policy and really it isn't an inconvenience unless you are an impatient person.

But no, stating his last name is too much of an inconvenience for Peter King. How dare you try to protect him from credit card fraud! You lazy no-good, middle class piece of shit. You don't ask the elite people of this nation, the same elite who make six fucking figures a year what their last name is. Can't you read the card? It says Peter King. THE Peter King. THE Peter King who shouldn't be bothered with you asking him questions when he doesn't want to be asked questions. Now go back to your life trying to make ends meet, Peter has to get up early and bitch about this hotel's continental breakfast food selections. If he's too tired from a lack of sleep he may just drink the hotel's coffee rather than make a mental note to bitch about how terrible the coffee tastes.

My mind raced. If someone was doing that, wouldn't someone have had to bug my phone or steal my personal information from somewhere to know I had a room at this $119-a-night palace in Sandusky, Ohio, and then use my stolen or forged cards to check into said Sandusky palace?

No, someone could simply steal your credit card and bank account information and notice your credit card has a deposit at this specific hotel and try to stay there under your name. I don't know. They are just trying to protect you. Get over it.

It's the most colossally stupid thing I can remember at a hotel front desk, but I had no desire to say anything else at 3 in the morning in Sandusky, Ohio, other than, "Where is the nearest pillow?''

It's probably hotel policy and it isn't necessarily stupid. What is colossally stupid is being angry about this for the entire weekend and then feeling your readers can relate to your impatience with hotel clerks. Even if it was unnecessary, what's the harm in answering the question with one word? The world isn't your toilet where you can go take a shit on whoever you want simply because you are slightly inconvenienced.

Then, as if he wants to provide further proof of how out-of-touch with reality he is, Peter relays a story about how he throw out the first pitch (actually the first football) at a minor league game and then participated in one of the festivities between innings. Peter can't be bothered to give his last name to a hotel desk clerk, but he sure does love that people know his name and it helps him to be able to do cool things.

2. I think I have to agree with Neil Hornsby, the Pro Football Focus guru who traveled with Team SI to 16 camps and/or stadia over the past 19 days, about Ben Roethlisberger. On Friday, we watched the Eagles chase Roethlisberger all over Lincoln Financial Field in the first quarter of the preseason opener. I mean, Big Ben was running for his life, dealing with yet another leaky offensive line. I don't know how long the guy's going to last until the Steelers figure out how to protect him.

Roethlisberger has been running for his life for quite a few years now. He's used to it by now. Not to mention, IT'S THE PRESEASON.

One more note on the Vilma case: His court filing last week identified me as someone "commonly known as a go-to-source for NFL leaks.'' When I saw that, my chest puffed out a bit. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't. But if it is, isn't that what reporters want? Don't reporters want to be known for finding people in the business they cover to tell them things that are hidden from the light of day? I'll never be a twentieth of a Woodward or a Bernstein, but this business is all about telling readers and listeners and viewers things they don't know. And I'd be proud if in this case I've done that.

DO YOU HEAR THAT DESK CLERK IN SANDUSKY, OHIO????? PETER KING IS SOMEONE SPECIAL AND YOU ARE JUST A WHORE DESK CLERK IN SANDUSKY, OHIO WHO PROBABLY LIVES NEXT TO A CRACK HOUSE AND WILL NEVER BE 1.455% AS SUCCESSFUL AS PETER KING IS!

It's funny that every time someone massages Peter's ego he is absolutely sure to tell us about it in MMQB. He is very, very impressed with himself and is very, very glad when others are impressed with him. If Peter gets any kind of honor (like throwing out a first pitch, having a minor league team with a Peter King bobble head night, or being the PA announcer at a Red Sox game), he is sure to tell his audience about it in an effort to remind them (out of pure insecurity I am guessing) just how great others find Peter King to be. These aren't even humblebrags. They are just Peter being fake modest while relaying how great others believe him to be. If he were so modest about it, he wouldn't even bring it up every single time someone lets him throw out the first pitch or states something complimentary about him.

7. I think, and it's long overdue, I owe the lads at Ourlads Scouting Services thanks for their work on this camp tour. Not that they're driving the EvoShield van

By the way, Peter mentions EvoShield or the van he is driving sponsored by them ten separate times in this column. It may as well be MMQB brought to you by EvoShield.

f. I finally got to see a bunch of Olympic highlights on NBC Sunday night. Wow, we're good.

Thanks for your input, Peter. Insightful, yet brief.

And though I'm not a great hoops fan, congrats to the men and women on their golds too.

I'm sure these players are all thrilled to be congratulated by Peter. It's better than a gold medal to be congratulated by the same Peter King who gets to be the PA announcer at a Red Sox game and who constantly tries to remind us whenever he is recognized for doing his job well.

g. Coffeenerdness: Really, Marriott Towne Place Suite and Residence Inns. Have you tasted the stuff you call coffee? It's barely coffee-flavored water.

Your free coffee sucks Marriott Towne Place Suite and Residence Inns. Peter is not impressed. Go kill yourself now.

Sometimes I think Peter intentionally comes off as an entitled, pampered person. I don't know why he would want to do this, but his constant whining about free services hotels provide is absolutely not endearing and tends to grate on the nerves.

I congratulate you on your fine morning oatmeal, and when you have Cheerios -- plain, good old-fashioned Cheerios -- I couldn't be more pleased. But the coffee tastes like you've used the same coffee through the same filter about four times. Weak beyond belief.

Apparently Peter has never heard the phrase, "You get what you pay for," or perhaps he doesn't care and just expects coffee from a hotel to have the same taste as the $4 cup he buys at Starbucks. Either way, the whining has to stop.

Wasn't disappointed sitting in the back of the EvoShield van on the way to Giants' camp, writing and having a couple. It's a lighter wheat ale, a little spicy. Just what I needed on the Jersey Turnpike at 11 at night.

Great, Peter will always remember that night he had an open container of alcohol in a moving vehicle. Good times. Somebody needs to do something about gun control and that weak coffee at hotels though.

k. Got a lot of catching up to do on "The Newsroom." Someday.

It's by Aaron Sorkin and I haven't seen it. I'm guessing it has office romances, dialogue while characters are walking and in-depth discussions about social issues between characters that sounds completely and utterly scripted.