Thursday, November 1, 2012

15 comments Gregg Easterbrook Wants More Realism In His Zombie Movies

Last week's TMQ featured Gregg criticizing the believability of the James Bond film "Dr. No," him claiming a high school coach didn't care if he ran up the score even though the coach stated he wasn't trying to run up the score and featured constant criticism of NFL head coaches for not coaching their team exactly how Gregg would coach an NFL team. Clearly, with Gregg's vast football head coaching experience he is a person who needs to be listened to when it comes to football strategy. This week as part of a forced Halloween theme, Gregg says the Falcons are the scariest team in the NFL while conveniently skipping over the draft position of some of the Falcons' stars and completely ignoring he called Julio Jones a "diva receiver" and blamed him for the Falcons struggles just last year. Please forget everything Gregg has claimed which turned out to be incorrect and blindly believe he is the expert he claims himself to be.

Halloween is tomorrow, a spooky day. Your columnist plans to dress as the national debt -- that will be scary!

I wonder how many times Gregg got his ass kicked in junior high? He is probably the guy who came to school on Halloween dressed as the Secretary of the Treasury or something.

The Falcons are no juggernaut statistically -- average in offensive and defensive stats, though looking swell at plus-10 for turnovers. Atlanta has had some good luck this season: Luck is a major factor in sports outcomes, but has this way of changing. The Falcons bring a strong offensive line and a power rushing attack.

The Falcons are 24th in the NFL in rushing yards per game, 24th in rushing yards per attempt and the offensive line has given up the 17th most sacks in the NFL. I'll let you decide if that is considered a power rushing attack.

The Falcons are 9th in the NFL in passing yards per game, 8th in passing yards per attempt, and 3rd in touchdown passes. Again, I will let you decide if the description of the Falcons as a power rushing attack, and whether this is how they are 7-0, is accurate or not.

They have hardworking veterans with football IQ: Matt Ryan, Tony Gonzalez, John Abraham, Roddy White, Dunta Robinson. And they've got one of the league's fastest defensive tackles in Peria Jerry. 

This is interesting. Since Gregg didn't include this, I wonder what the draft position for each of these players was?

Matt Ryan- 1st round
Tony Gonzalez- 1st round
John Abraham- 1st round
Dunta Robinson- 1st round
Peria Jerry- 1st round

Wow, all three players that Gregg mentioned were first round draft choices. This certainly doesn't fit Gregg's narrative that first round picks are highly-paid glory boys who only care about counting their money and not working hard. Notice how Gregg left off Julio Jones from this list, even though Jones is second on the team in receptions and yards. It's almost like Gregg wants us to forget Julio Jones exists in the hopes we won't remember he randomly called Jones a "diva" last year for absolutely no reason.

So far the Smith-Ryan combo can't win the big one, and that is the sort of problem that can become a self-fulfilling.

Is it a "problem" that is self-fulfilling or is it a "prophecy" that is self-fulfilling?

Like the Eagles, the Saints are not exactly shipshape. But if Atlanta can knock off the Sinners, the Falcons will look more like a Halloween Frankenstein. 

So in beating a team that isn't very good Atlanta will show us they are the best team in the NFC? Has their beating better teams than the Saints (like the Broncos) not shown they are the best team in the NFC already?

In other football news, Tuesday Morning Quarterback noted last week of the Denver-San Diego comeback that when a team takes a big early lead, the opposition has just as much time to reply.

I'm going to stab myself in the eye if Gregg writes this statement one more time. If one team takes an early lead then that other team has as much time to come back. This is true in every single sport and is just a fancy way of saying "this game isn't halfway over yet." If less than half, or more than half, of a game is not over than one team has as much to reply in order to cut into a big lead. This is just basic common sense. Gregg is trying to hide the stupidity of this statement by dressing it up as a deep thought.

At Dallas, the Giants jumped to an early 23-0 lead, and seemed to think the contest was over. By late in the third quarter, Dallas led 24-23. But the Giants had a secret weapon -- Tony Romo.

The quarterback for the Cowboys was a "secret weapon" the Giants didn't see coming.

"What? The Cowboys are trying to throw the ball to get back into the game? How unexpected to see them throw the ball when down their best running back...and who is this Tony Romo guy? I never knew about this specific secret weapon that Dallas had on the team."

Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin called a bold game, including a surprise onside kick in the first quarter. Rex Ryan called a timid game, punting on fourth-and-5 from midfield when trailing 27-3. Later Ryan converted on fourth-and-1 in Jets' territory but at that point, there was too little time left.

I think Gregg needs to write these rules down for going for it on fourth down. It seems like NFL teams will go for it on fourth down, but then when they don't win the game Gregg will say it was too late to go for it on fourth down or use some other excuse as to why that team didn't win the game. If he could just write his rules for going for it on fourth down in TMQ one week that would be much appreciated.

The zombie series "The Walking Dead" is a TV hit, and hype has already started for the summer 2013 zombie flick "World War Z" with Brad Pitt. Zombies have been the theme of big-budget movies "I Am Legend," "28 Days Later," "Doomsday," the many "Dawn of the Dead" and "Resident Evil" films, "Cabin in the Woods," plus countless B movies, 

Zombies were the theme of "Cabin in the Woods?" There were zombies, but they weren't the theme of the movie. Not at all. The only way a person could think the theme of "Cabin in the Woods" was zombies is if he/she has not watched the movie.

This despite the fact that, how shall I phrase this -- zombies do not exist.

Football gods don't exist and this doesn't stop Gregg from writing about them every single week in his TMQ.

But the fixation of zombie shows and movies is puzzling -- all zombies do is stagger around saying "erg … arg." They have no personalities, goals or ideas. Wait: that must be why Hollywood loves zombies! Zombies stories require no character development or originality, just some fake blood and actors who say "erg … arg."

Sure. Zombie movies and television shows also make a lot of money. That could be another reason Hollywood loves them. I'm just eyeballing here, but I think Hollywood enjoys making money and zombie movies or television shows make money right now.

Still it seems particularly annoying that in zombie movies, the zombie plague always spreads super-ultra fast; causes instantaneous mutations; and makes zombies extra strong.

Because Gregg knows when the undead begin walking the earth, they will not be ultra-strong nor will the zombie plague spread fast. These things Gregg knows for sure.

On a physical basis, how could anything -- serums, viruses -- cause the human body instantaneously to transform? OK, zombie movies don't claim to make any sense.

Gregg continues to criticize zombie movies, even after admitting they aren't supposed to make sense. So his criticisms don't make sense either because they are based on a movie or television show that doesn't make sense. This is like me criticizing "Dora the Explorer" for a lack of accuracy and realism. 

But the whole notion of a super-disease that infects the whole world in just days is without grounding in history; even the Black Plague took decades to spread, and gradually was overcome by immune responses. Ghosts seem a lot more possible than zombies. 

There is no such thing as a zombie plague, so we don't know how fast it would spread. Any criticism over how quickly a zombie plague spreads on television is ridiculous, not only because it is criticism of a fictional zombie plague, but because we have no idea how fast it would spread.

New England's Rob Gronkowski came into the London game with 32 touchdown catches in his past 39 regular-season games. No one jammed Gronkowski on a touchdown catch the previous week versus Jersey/B.

Now it's New England 14, St. Louis 7, the Flying Elvii facing third-and-goal on Les Mouflons' 7. Gronkowski simply runs into the end zone, unjammed, and turns around, touchdown. And St. Louis defenders looked surprised! Will someone please jam Rob Gronkowski!

Yes, the Rams should not let Rob Gronkowski get a free release off the line of scrimmage, but I hope Gregg doesn't think jamming Gronkowski would effectively prevent him from scoring a touchdown. He is incredibly athletic and tall, so even if a team jams him there is a chance (especially with Tom Brady throwing him a pass) that he scores a touchdown. Jamming him is an excellent idea, but isn't a cure-all.

Maybe coaching does really matter... Last season with him running the defense, the Saints allowed 21 points per game. This season without him, the Sinners are allowing 31 points. Maybe coaching really does matter.

Yes, maybe coaching does matter. Who would have thought coaching mattered at all...especially someone like Gregg Easterbrook who writes in TMQ every week about how a coach's bad decision-making (like not going for it on fourth down) cost his team a victory because that decision didn't provide enough proof to his team that coach wanted to win the game.

Bad play by the New Orleans defense: early in the third quarter, Denver leading 17-7, the Sinners put seven men into the tackle box to stop the run, and backup tailback Ronnie Hillman went off-tackle for 31 yards. Long gainer against a run defense: ouch.

This is an "ouch" play, but the fact the Saints had seven men in the box also meant there were fewer defenders down field to tackle the ball carrier if he got past the line of scrimmage without being tackled. So with seven guys in the box, if the runner gets past the line of scrimmage it can often be a long gain like this.

Cheer-Babe Professionalism Watch: Now that the weather is turning cold, cheer-babe professionalism comes into play. Professionalism in this sense means skin or at least skin-tight, which propitiates the football gods.

This also appeases the creepy pervert in Gregg's soul. In Gregg's opinion, the only other thing that propitiate the football gods even more is if ex-backup quarterback punt protector Jets was shirtless in a catalog. Gregg also wants to know why is it so hard to find shirtless men on the Internet nowadays.

Saturday night at Norman, Okla., it was a nippy 42 degrees at kickoff. Sooners cheerleaders were all bundled up in heavy gear as if a blizzard was blowing through the stadium. Notre Dame cheerleaders wore miniskirts. That's all the information required to know who won the game. 

Doesn't Gregg mean Weasel Coach Brian Kelly won this game? If Notre Dame had lost you could bet that Gregg would call Brian Kelly a weasel coach for leaving both the University of Cincinnati and Central Michigan for an opportunity to coach at other schools. Verily, the Fighting Irish won so Gregg can't cherry-pick this week when he wants to state being a weasel coach doesn't pay off. 

The Dallas defense held, and Jersey/A punted with 51 seconds remaining. Dallas did not rush the punt -- an odd coaching choice.

Gregg considers this an odd coaching choice despite the fact Gregg has stated in the past a team has a better chance of committing a penalty for roughing the kicker than they have a chance of blocking the kick. Gregg has somewhat advocated for teams to not rush the punter for this reason. Gregg even said this is one of the virtues of his Pulaski Academy hero coach, Kevin Kelley. Naturally, Gregg urges the Cowboys to ignore his own advice so that he can criticize them for not doing something he doesn't consider worth doing anyway.

What's really driving your columnist crazy about this election is the rhetoric on Medicare. Romney and sidekick Paul Ryan say they want to cut federal spending but also want to increase Medicare spending by the strangely precise $716 billion.

This is probably the first and only time in history that $716 billion will be described as "strangely precise." I'm pretty sure Gregg thinks the use of any number outside of the number "1" is strangely precise.

Obama's projected $716 billion in future Medicare savings

What a strangely precise projected amount of savings!

Pulaski, which opened the season 1-2, won its sixth straight, improving to 7-2 and securing a postseason berth. On Friday, the Bruin play for the No. 1 seed. Here are Kelley's fourth-down decisions from last week: 

Fourth-and-15 on opponents' 18: Pass, touchdown.
Fourth-and-5 on own 37: Pass, incompletion.
Fourth-and-3 on opponents' 17: Rush, first down.
Fourth-and-3 on opponents' 8: Pass, first down.
Fourth-and-2 on opponents' 41: Rush, first down. 

What Gregg leaves out when telling us Pulaski went 4 for 5 on fourth down in this game is the caliber of the opponent they were playing. I believe he does this intentionally so his readers won't notice the talent disparity in this game. Pulaski won 57-24 against Sylvan Hills, who are 4-4 this season. There is a large gap in talent between these two teams. Pulaski is ranked 15th in the state of Arkansas.

Sylvan Hills is ranked 94th in the state of Arkansas.

The issue isn't whether Newton is a bust or whether he should be compared to black or white high-drafted quarterbacks. The issue is that he was chosen No. 1 overall, and needs to start winning games...If he doesn't produce W's, he will face the same criticism white No. 1 overall choices Couch and David Carr faced.

The issue that Warren Moon is trying to bring up is that he believes Newton is already facing the same criticism that Couch and David Carr faced. None of this crap really matters, but Gregg misses the point. The point isn't that Moon doesn't want Newton to face these comparisons and (what Moon sees as) unfair criticism in the future, but he is concerned these comparisons and unfair criticism are happening now.

Obscure College Score of the Week: Minnesota-Morris 30, Crown College 29 in overtime. Crown scored first in overtime, then missed its PAT: ouch. Located in Morris, Minn., the University of Minnesota-Morris boasts a biomass gasifier.

Peter King still thinks the PAT is a waste of time. There are so many other things that could be done in the time it takes to kick a PAT, like show even more commercials between the time a touchdown was scored and when the opposing team takes possession on offense. Instead of wasting time with a PAT, that is another 30 second commercial FOX/CBS/ESPN/NBC/NFL Network could show prior to the kickoff, at which point they go to commercial yet again before the team with possession of the ball runs a play.

Next Week: If you don't vote, you must never, ever complain about the result.

While I somewhat agree with this sentiment, what happens if a person doesn't like the options given to him when voting? Is it better to vote for a candidate you don't believe in just so you can say you voted? I'm just asking, but I somewhat believe a person could not vote and still complain, if the reason for voting was there isn't a candidate he/she believed in. Regardless, a person should vote because they want to make a difference with their vote, rather than so they have permission to bitch.

While I agree with this statement in some ways, it is also like saying if you don't eat at McDonald's then you can't complain about the fact they don't have anything on the menu that you like. 


rich said...

zombies do not exist.

Well hold the fuck on now. You mean "Dawn of the Dead" isn't a documentary?

Oh and technically this is false as shit.

There's a fungus that basically takes over the brain of an ant and control it's motor functions... until the fungus grows out of the ants head.

Oh and the Russians used to decapitate dogs... and keep their heads alive. Not to be undone, some US scientists drained dogs of their blood, replaced it with a solution of sorts and after various amounts of time, gave the dogs their blood back... and they were fine.

all zombies do is stagger around saying "erg … arg." They have no personalities, goals or ideas.

This is NOT the fucking point of zombie movies. The point of a zombie movie is to see the living characters survive against an unkillable thing.

And as for the no personality thing, zombie movies typically give their zombies a unique characteristic. The idea of lumbering zombies was undone by the Dawn of the Dead franchise, which was the first to feature zombies with human like speed and agility.

how could anything -- serums, viruses -- cause the human body instantaneously to transform?

Because your cells don't live very long. There's a reason why cancer is dangerous if not caught early - the cancerous cells multiply incredibly fast and so while not "instantaneous" there's nothing to say that over the course of a week, you'd have shitton of zombies.

I'd also like to point to the various diseases that do things like eat your skin, liquify your insides, etc. and do so over the course of hours or days.

even the Black Plague took decades to spread

You know what they didn't have in the middle ages? MODERN DAY TRANSPORTATION.

You get sick in Asia, you can hop on a flight to Europe and spread it. The only reason the black plague wasn't even worse was because in order to spread, someone had to live long enough to drag their dying ass somewhere new.

Now, if a trucker gets sick, the disease could spread an entire country in a handful of days.

cheer-babe professionalism comes into play.

It's too bad their boobs fake or I'd be able to enjoy cheerleaders more.

precise $716 billion.

Since when the fuck is a billion considered precise?

That's right folks, if you know your answer to the 1,000,000,000 it's too damn precise in Gregg's mind.

I'm honestly baffled by how terrible he is with numbers.

The issue is that he was chosen No. 1 overall, and needs to start winning games

I enjoy this. Cam's in his second year, so the fact that he was just taken number 1 overall last year should tell you that the team he's surrounded by is probably not very good.

And lets forget he took a 1-15 team and managed 6 wins last year.

JimA said...

I think what he's referring to re: medicare and the $716 billion is that the exact amount the republicans are talking about is the exact amount the president has saved. This was an issue months ago, so why he brings it up now is weird. It could just be that his lack of logic is at work here, but I think he's just late to the party.

I can't fucking believe I may have defended that asshole.

rich said...

Jim, I'll try to make you feel better then.

Even if that's the case, then basically here's what happened:

Romney said Obama cut Medicare by $716 billion, so Romney said he'd put that money back. Now regardless of whether or any of that is true or not, it doesn't change the fact that the numbers match up... because Romney's "idea' is to make Medicare whole.

So it's not oddly precise in the slightest, the two numbers refer to the same figure and so it'd only be odd if they two numbers weren't the same.

Bengoodfella said...

Rich, so there are ant zombies? Also, there are zombie dogs? Clearly we aren't away from a complete Walking Dead situation. When there is a Walking Dead situation and the virus spreads incredibly quickly I am going to expect (but won't receive) a full retraction from Gregg.

That is a good thing about diseases that eat flesh and skin spreading quickly. I can't remember how quickly the flesh eating virus spread in the human immune system, but I seem to recall it was quick.

Also, bath salts can cause a person to act like a zombie and in that state the person isn't very intelligible (from what I read in the paper), so maybe the people on bath salts just say "errrgg."

Yes, modern transportation would cause the virus to spread quickly. I think Gregg needs to see the documentary film "Contagion." He would learn how quickly a virus can spread.

Jim, clearly I need to pay more attention to the Medicare issue because I didn't get how that was overly precise. You didn't defend Gregg, don't worry. You are just pointing out something I didn't know.

JimA said...

Gregg watch Contagion? You don't see enough of Matt Damon with his shirt off for Gregg's taste.

Bengoodfella said...

Gregg, great point. Maybe he can watch "The Talented Mr. Ripley" and then watch "Contagion" so he can imagine Damon with his shirt off.

I'm not even sure he takes his shirt off in that movie, so maybe Gregg should just keep a photo of shirtless Matt Damon next to him while he watches "Contagion."

HH said...

If you don't vote, you must never, ever complain about the result.

I know we're not here for politics, but that's just stupid. If you aren't politically informed or active, then you shouldn't complain - at least, no one should take you seriously. But the idea that someone could research the issues, back a candidate, donate money and time, see him lose in the primaries, and then be forced to cast a vote [legitimizing a candidate they already decided they don't believe in] to have a right to be taken seriously, well, that's crap.

Anonymous said...

Glad that you hit on the Falcons first round picks. I couldn't believe my eyes when he listed those guys as the keys to the Falcons success. I COULD believe my eyes, though, when there was zero mention of draft position.

Wembley Stadium note: The gate was announced at 84,004, but it seems about 30,000 Brits came dressed as empty seats. The NFL may be wrong regarding the appeal of American football overseas.

-ORRRRRR it's a completely true number due to the fact that Wembley seems to have a capacity of ~105k. In what way has anyone wrongly judged this? Some teams don't sell out their stadiums in the US...

Additionally, I don't think anyone in the NFL claims that football is currently hugely popular overseas. I think the whole purpose of the overseas game is to cultivate a potential new market.

Sportsmanship Watch: Many readers including Jason Berry of San Jose, Calif., reported that in a game between California's Fremont and Harker high schools, Fremont frantically ran up the score to 90-56, including by going for two when leading by 25 points in the fourth quarter. Fremont head coach Ron Demonner, you are supposed to set a positive example, not a negative one.

-Obviously I don't know the specifics, but it seems that Harker is pretty good at scoring as well. Isn't there some immutable TMQ law that losing teams have just as much time to score as the team currently winning or something like that?

Also, Gregg always talks about weasel/bully coaches. Isn't it kind of bully-esque to call out HS teams/players in a national column for being poor sports. Furthermore, isn't even more embarrassing for the losing team to be called out in this fashion. I know that back in HS I would have been ticked if we were drubbed, then a national columnist felt it necessary to cry about how the victor should have let up and taken it easier on us.

Bonus College Score: Northern State 65, Mary 17. Well of course an entire football team defeated one single woman! Called Northern but located in South Dakota, Northern State has a University College but no College University.

-Wow, it's in the northern part of the state. Who would have thought?,+Aberdeen,+South+Dakota&hl=en&ll=45.444717,-98.459473&spn=10.281409,28.718262&sll=38.804821,-77.236966&sspn=2.855039,7.179565&oq=northern+state,+south+da&t=h&hq=Northern+State+University,+Aberdeen,+South+Dakota&z=6

Next Week: If you don't vote, you must never, ever complain about the result.
-I completely disagree. I personally always vote, but I find it very mature or at least correct of people who are not educated on the issues to not vote. They still have the right to complain about the leadership.

jacktotherack said...

"Sportsmanship Watch: Many readers including Jason Berry of San Jose, Calif., reported that in a game between California's Fremont and Harker high schools, Fremont frantically ran up the score to 90-56, including by going for two when leading by 25 points in the fourth quarter. Fremont head coach Ron Demonner, you are supposed to set a positive example, not a negative one."

This prick gives a weekly update on Coach Kelly from Pulaski Academy who goes for it on 4th down despite however much his team is ahead against overmatched opponents and then has the balls to chastise another high school coach for running up the score? Does Gregg not understand how hypocritical he looks on a week-to-week basis? Fuck him.

Bengoodfella said...

HH, I can't get completely behind the idea if you don't vote, you can't complain. Whereas someone who has absolutely nothing but a passing interest in politics and barely knows who is running should not complain, if you were a Hillary Clinton person in 2008 I can see how you would be upset about the results and may choose not to vote. It's a thin line, but just saying a person can't complain b/c they don't vote seems too generalized for me. I vote every chance I get, but I respect the right to refuse not to do for one's own personal reasons.

Anon, it's funny how the draft position of those players isn't mentioned at all. In regard to the football game in Wembley, 84K isn't a bad showing really.

That is a decent point that Gregg is doing some bullying of his own by calling out coaches who he believes ran up the score when he doesn't have all the facts. Gregg is naming the schools involved and using his bully pulpit to call that school when I am fairly certain he doesn't know the specifics of what occurred.

That is an instance when I would prefer someone not vote. Complaining when you don't vote or have enough knowledge to vote does seem like hypocrisy, but if a person doesn't vote he can still hate the outcome. I tend to complain about the options I am given when I vote, but I guess since I do vote I have room to complain?

Jack, Gregg doesn't consider Kevin Kelley to be a bully coach because he pulls his starters and then runs up the score. That is what I was talking about when I said Gregg doesn't know the whole story. Maybe the starters were out of the game and the backups for Fremont were in the game against the backups for Harker (who were playing to give them a chance to play during the season). He doesn't have complete knowledge of the situation, but criticizes from his bully pulpit. He gives Kelley a pass for going for it on fourth down b/c the backups are in, but criticizes other HS coaches for running up the score when he doesn't know the situation.

waffleboy said...

I wonder how many times Gregg got his ass kicked in junior high?

When I look at Gregg I wonder how many times he got his ass kicked in J school. That is the face of a guy losing his lunch money every day in graduate school

Anonymous said...

Maybe we have a debt problem in this country because of people like gregg. Anyone who thinks 712 billion is hyper specific and wants it rounded off should be nowhere near a budget.

Anonymous said...

Re: gronkowski. He runs over linebackers and had his ankle injured because he can't be tackled up high. I doubt a corner jamming him would slow him down that much.

Aron said...

Greggggg was attempting a lame joke by saying that Romo was the GIANTS' secret weapon. Seems stupid to me, especially since he brought them all the way back despite the early turnovers.

Bengoodfella said...

Waffle, I'm guessing he got a ton of wedgies.

Anon, I thin $712 million is a lot too. Maybe I partially misunderstood the hyperspecific issue, but that's a lot of money.

Anon, NO! Jam him! It works every time as long as you don't count the times it doesn't work.

Aron, that doesn't make sense to me either. Seems like Romo hurt both teams. He wasn't a weapon for any one team, but more a weapon of neutrality.