Sunday, September 8, 2013

2 comments It's Over...Bleacher Report, You Win

I'm done (okay, not really). Bleacher Report has won. This is a site that is affiliated with TNT and has some sense of legitimacy in the world of sportswriting. Yet, on the site is probably the most useless and pointless article I have ever read. It is titled "Kevin Durant Has a Bad Habit of Farting While Getting a Massage." I'm not lying, here it is. It has over 71,000 reads as I write this. 71,000 reads about Kevin Durant farting while getting a massage. How can real journalism compete with this? Bleacher Report is affiliated with TNT, who apparently really wants their viewers to be directed to a website where we can find out when and where Kevin Durant has to fart.

The worst part is this article was written by a feature columnist for Bleacher Report, which in Bleacher Report terms seems to be like being a VP at a large corporation. There may be a lot of them, but it is also a title that is supposed to mean something. This is what it has come to. This is what it takes for the (partial) home for college basketball and the NBA to want to help advertise and work with your site. Congratulations TNT, you are responsible for telling us when Kevin Durant farts. That's sports journalism now.

I do think Skip Bayless is lowering the bar on ESPN, but he has help in getting that bar lowered. This article is an embarrassment for Bleacher Report and pretty much anyone who has ever picked up a pencil, pen, quill, or used a typewriter, computer, or any other type of electronic device that can assist a person in writing sports articles. There's nothing of substance in here.

A massage is supposed to be a relaxing release of tension, but for Kevin Durant, it seems he needs more than just taking it easy.

Durant was getting a rub-down in Taiwan and suddenly realized that he needed to fart

Breaking news! Why didn't ESPN cover this story? Actually, Kevin Durant farting is probably harder-hitting news than ESPN is used to covering.

But now wanting to show the depth of his research on Kevin Durant's ability to fart while receiving a massage, the author reveals Durant had to fart another time while he was receiving a massage back in 2010. If any major news organization is looking for an investigative journalist I think they should look no further than Bleacher Report.

Fortunately the author has some advice for Durant in this dire situation.

The best words of wisdom I would give him are to just go for it. If you're paying somebody to help ease muscle tension, the expectation is complete relaxation.

Sure, it may be a bit rude in a public setting, but isn't a mid-massage passing of gas just a sign of a job well done?

What is the sign of a job not well done after reading an awful column? I want to know just so I can alert the author of this article.

There's another problem here that we need to talk about. What exactly is Durant doing tweeting during a massage?

And yet, you are writing about Durant Tweeting during a massage.

Just lay down on the massage table, close your eyes and whatever may happen, just let it out.

You win Bleacher Report. The terribleness you can display has no match nor way for me to overcome this terribleness.

Actually, on second though it probably makes a ton of sense for Bleacher Report to have a column about a fart. It seems appropriate for some of the content on the site. 


Brian Bivens said...

Next up on bleacher report massage fart slideshow featuring the 50 most overpaid massage farters.

Bengoodfella said...

Brian, I'm guessing you just gave them an idea for a slideshow. Next, they will try to create a narrative tying the Thunder's inability to win the NBA Title to Kevin Durant's farting habits.