Thursday, May 7, 2015

13 comments Bill Simmons and The Inhumane Choice of Having to Choose Between Attending a Game 7 or a Boxing Match

Bill Simmons made his early writing career a success by being just like you and me. He talked with his friends about sports, girls, and pop culture like you talked about those topics with your friends. That was the supposed hook of his columns. Those days where Bill can relate to his readers are long over, not that you would know it from reading how his SimmonsClones readers worship his every move. Bill is more likely to end up on a "Power 100" list from "Sports Illustrated" then he is to end up at a sports bar where he talks to normal people. He's a multi-millionaire who has desperately (and semi-successfully in the eyes of some) hung on to his "everyman" quality. Just as long as you ignore most of what he writes, everyone he hangs out with, his Instagram account, and pretty much everything else about him, then you would think he's JUST LIKE YOU AND ME! In this column/mailbag, Bill talks about ultimate dilemma that the upper 1% entitled of sports fans can face. Should he attend Game 7 of the Spurs-Clippers or go to the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight? Hey SimmonsClones, he's not like you and this should prove it. Drop your idolatry and please realize he's playing you for fools. 

That won't ever happen of course. It's also nice how Bill writes a column about this major, major dilemma like he is rubbing it in his readers' faces that he even has this choice. He's essentially bragging about how he can do either and his readers won't give a shit because they live to serve him and live their lives vicariously through him. Complaining about having to choose between these two options is just a douchebag move. Just try to be humble and not brag. That's not something Bill can do, because he lives to tell everyone how special he is. He should be making this decision without trying to write about the decision in his article. Bill had made the decision to attend Game 7, but he couldn't resist allowing his readers the opportunity to know he made this choice. Bill also takes the time to explain to his readers, who apparently he feels are all mouth-breathing morons because they aren't him, the special bond between a dad and a daughter.

During Eddie Murphy’s first SNL season, Joe Piscopo started appearing on “Weekend Update” as a goofy sports anchor who shouted the big stories in exclamation points. Saturday would have been perfect for him. NHL playoffs! Kentucky Derby! Game 7! The big fight!!! SATURDAY!!!!!!

I mean, this is typical of Bill Simmons' writing. There's no need for this pop culture reference other than for Bill to say he made the reference and cover up for the fact Bill lacks the ability to simply write an introductory paragraph.

In my first playoffs mailbag column two weeks ago, you might remember me seeing the NBA’s schedule for Round 1 and fretting about one of the all-time sports fan conundrums. If the Clips-Spurs battle miraculously produced a Game 7, that would undoubtedly happen on Saturday night. I already had my ticket for that hypothetical game. But I also had a chance to attend Floyd-Manny, which meant witnessing a once-in-a-generation fight in Vegas with my L.A. buddies. Can’t lose either way, right?

Right, which is why this isn't a difficult choice. Which is also why this isn't something you build your weekly mailbag around unless you just simply want to swing your dick around a little bit and point out that you have the choice of attending a fight or going to a Game 7. Honestly, maybe Bill's readers do care and that's pathetic. Otherwise, nobody else cares and this "Saturday decision" column is just a way for Bill to brag about all the cool shit he gets to do. He's very proud of everything he has accomplished and can't wait to tell everyone about it.

You never want to make a tough decision until you HAVE to make a tough decision … and now we’re here.

My definition of a "tough decision" probably is a little bit different from Bill's idea of a "tough decision." This decision is only tough in that Bill will miss out on an opportunity, but either way he's winning.

Game 7, Spurs at Clippers: 5 p.m. PT, Los Angeles.
Or …

Mayweather-Pacquiao, 8:30 p.m. PT (approximately), Las Vegas.
Pick one.

Most people would just say, "I'll figure it out" and go from there. But not Bill, not at all. Bill sees a chance to brag about these two opportunities he gets AND he can get half of a column out of fully breaking this decision down? Yes, thank you more please. Bill can kill column space when he's out of ideas AND the world can know that he's wealthy and connected? The least tough choice Bill had to make was whether to do a full breakdown of this decision.

Here are the for-and-against cases for Game 7 and The Fight.

Because nothing screams "excitement" like getting to go through someone else's pros and cons list.

The Case For Game 7: Even before it officially became “One of Best Round 1 Series Ever,” we knew it had a chance to broach “Feels Like The Finals If They Happened In Round 1” (which is exactly what happened) …


thanks to those quietly dramatic Hack-a-DJ moments, these contests balloon to nearly three hours and feel a little like those Yankees–Red Sox nail-biter marathons from 2003 and 2004 (without 86 years of baggage and eight decades of hammer-versus-nail story lines, but still) …


can Clippers fans affect the game without coming off like a bunch of whining maniacs who inadvertently work their boys into a whining froth (and vice versa?) … 

Yes, those Clippers fans are just whining maniacs aren't they? This coming from the guy who built his early career on whining about his favorite sports teams, while inventing new and different ways his teams were cursed for dramatic effect.

I could keep going and going, but one thing I’ve learned in life is that there’s really never a good excuse to miss a Game 7 … in fact, you can use that for your high school yearbook quote if you’re under 18.
“One thing I’ve learned in life: There’s really never a good excuse to miss a Game 7.” —Bill Simmons

Bill is trying to get quoted in people's yearbooks now. So by the way, if there is never a good excuse to miss a Game 7 then why is Bill gnashing his teeth so hard trying to make a decision here? If he feels so strongly that Game 7 is a "can't miss" game then the decision is made, right? Of course not! Bill makes up rules, doesn't stick to them and eventually contradicts these rules over time. So he wants to use "never miss a Game 7" as a yearbook quote, but doesn't mind missing a Game 7 himself.

Most likely, Bill realizes he has half of a column idea for a change and he wants to work it out like he really thought of attending the Mayweather-Pacquaio fight.

The Case For The Fight: We’ve been waiting for Floyd-versus-Manny for six to seven solid years …

I really haven't been looking forward to it. Mayweather does not have a very exciting boxing style, which is why he has to be more exciting out of the ring, because his fighting style in the ring is slow and defensive. It's not exactly Mike Tyson in his prime out there.

I’ve been to a couple of Big Fights in my life, and, from a buzz/electricity/eye candy/celebrity/fashion/comedy standpoint, there’s simply nothing like them …

Bill hasn't bragged in a few paragraphs, so he figured he would just go ahead and do it. Bill has many expensive bottles of wine that he keeps in a separate room next to his leather-bounds books.

But a relentless (and deserved) assault by the media and on social media, too, has rendered him so completely unlikable that the unthinkable happened. Within the past two weeks, a groundswell of media members have been imploring everyone to boycott the fight … and they didn’t seem crazy. 

I will not be boycotting the fight for two reasons. 

1. As seen by the constant references in his "Book of Basketball" of women as whores or pornstars, as well as Bill's insistence throughout the history of his columns for where he positions women as nags who can singlehandedly bring down a great man's performance in a sporting event with their nagging, Bill hates women. Just in general. Not any specific women and there are women he likes, but mostly, women are bitches and who hasn't wanted to punch one or two at a certain time? I mean, who says "no" to that?

2. No really, why should Bill care about something like a dude hit a woman a few times?

First, I have been a boxing fan since I fell in love with Ali during the mid-1970s, back when Ali’s Wide World of Sports appearances resonated in ways that you couldn’t possibly understand 40 years later. 

Ah yes, it's another episode of "I was there so I experienced first hand what no one else can ever experience ever again" from Bill. These are all episodes where Bill attends a sporting event or witnesses something that thousands of others witness, but he acts like he has a special, different perspective from everyone else.

Of the top 200 moments in my life when I said to myself, purely as a sports fan, “I don’t know if I feel good about this,” I think boxing was involved in 185 of them.

Oh, well at least Bill feels bad about liking boxing. As long as he continuously apologizes while displaying the same lack of interest in changing his behavior then all should just fine. We'll call it "The Peter King Rule" where a sportswriter does/says dumb shit and never seems to learn.

Remember, the goal of boxing is to repeatedly punch your opponent, either to accumulate points or to knock him unconscious; it’s one of the most primitive sports we have, and if you’re thinking about attaching humanity and morality to it, you’re fooling yourself.

I'm not the one talking about how much I like boxing despite all of the faults the sport and it's participants have. So save the lecture. It sounds like only Bill is the one fooling himself, yet because he likes boxing then obviously "we" are fooling ourselves as well.

Watching Saturday’s fight doesn’t mean that you condone Floyd’s vile behavior. It’s apples and oranges. This isn’t a sport where you can just pick and choose your viewing based on some arbitrary (but well-intentioned) moral compass. It doesn’t exist. Not in boxing.

So basically Bill's reason for not boycotting the fight was that boxing is a terrible sport so there's no way for him to like the sport and take the moral high ground. That's fine, but could very well be a reason to stop watching the sport. Rather than waste space in this column and the reader's time with rambling, Bill should just write, "I like watching boxing and refuse to stop watching it just because there are some reprehensible characters." Instead, Bill rambles around and makes it seem like he's saying more than he truly is saying.

Second and more important, what’s going to be more entertaining than rooting against Floyd Mayweather? He’s the greatest boxing villain we’ve had since George Foreman 40 years ago! How can anyone not dislike this guy? We get to root for someone to punch Floyd in the face for 12 rounds? I’m supposed to BOYCOTT this? Stop it.

This is probably a good point.

The Case Against Game 7: I mean, shit. It’s Game 7. Even Johnnie Cochran in his prime couldn’t make a good case against a Game 7.

And yet, Bill is wasting space pretending like this is a difficult decision. Like I wrote earlier, he'll do anything to find a topic to write about in his columns. Even if Bill has to create a rule like, "There's no excuse for missing a Game 7" in the very same column/mailbag where he is trying to think of an excuse to miss Game 7. Obviously the concept of this column will come off as a contrived since Bill strongly believes there is no reason to miss a Game 7.

The only “case” I can make against it: Add up Hack-a-DJ plus commercials plus prime-time TV timeouts and this baby could swell past 8 p.m. PT; throw in an unexpected overtime and suddenly you’re looking at 8:30 (yeeeesh), and that’s without factoring in the Staples Center exit (never easy) and traffic (always there). So, yeah, attend Game 7 and there’s a real chance of missing a chunk of the fight (which, based on the history of these fights, probably won’t start until 8:45 p.m. PT).

Whatever time this game ends, I’ll be the guy weaving through the postgame crowd like Barry Sanders and driving home like Dom Toretto. Ride or die.

What is Bill's sudden fascination with "Fast and the Furious"? It's like he has attached himself to these films as an example of modern day pop culture that he will use as a reference and wants to keep beating this reference into the ground.

My biggest problem with the timing of this bout: In December 2012, a cartoonishly enhanced Juan Manuel Marquez — 

What kind of 10th grade juvenile fuckery is this to put enhanced in italics? It sounds like you are having a seizure if this sentence is spoken out loud with "enhanced" emphasized.

as Marquez briefly unplugged Manny’s brain for nearly two minutes as everyone frantically Googled “Marquez” and “HGH.” He didn’t just knock Manny out; we thought Manny was dead.

"WE" thought Manny was dead. All of "us."

Now, there are two schools of thought after something like that happens. Either …

There are two schools of thought and only two schools of thought. Any other thought is not a part of either of these schools and should not be considered. There are only two options, at least until Bill thinks of a third option.

1. That knockout (and all the ensuing adversity and doubt) actually made Manny stronger. And it wasn’t just the knockout; it was the devastating feeling of knowing that you had let your entire country down. I mean, Manny IS the Philippines.

That's a link to a Grantland column of course. Because Bill's columns are also a clearinghouse for links to other Grantland columns.

2. You’re never the same after you get knocked the F out like that. You’re never the same. You’re NEVER the same.

Okay, I get it. I'm NEVER the same after I get knocked the fuck out like that. I don't know why Bill insists on using "you" in this situation since 99.9% of his readers aren't boxers and it would be just as easy to write "boxers" as opposed to saying "you," but that's the type of writing that Bill provides to his readers.

Here’s where I would love to be wrong: I believe in the second school of thought (not the first, which feels a little too media-created for me).

(Bengoodfella's head explodes)

Bill Simmons, a member of the media, says "there are two schools of thought after something like that happens..." and then lists these two schools of thought. Bill then dismisses one school of thought, yes he dismissed one of his own ideas, by stating it was a "media creation" which is obviously true because Bill Simmons is a member of the media and just thought of it. I'm not sure how far down the rabbit hole Bill is here, but at this point I think he just created an idea, dismissed the idea and then blamed the media for it's creation.

I don’t see how having your brain get demolished to the point that it says “I’m shutting down for two solid minutes to regroup” is ever a good thing.

(Bengoodfella types sadly) But you just thought of it yourself. With your brain.

By the time that first bell rings, Floyd will have worked himself into a defiant, me-against-the-world frenzy. Only it won’t be a frenzy, because that’s not how Floyd works. He uses outside forces to drive himself to a deeper performance level — improved concentration, deeper resolve, almost like he took Bradley Cooper’s special pill in Limitless.

Cram that pop culture reference in there, Bill. If it won't go at first, just keep pushing. You can get it crammed into the discussion if you just try hard enough.

He’s one of the best ever at hitting people while rarely, if ever, getting hit. And when he’s locked in, when he’s truly locked in, he cannot be beaten. It’s just about impossible.

Hey, remember when this column was about Bill's big decision that had to be made for last Saturday night? Yeah, I barely do too.

Will the fight end up being as special as everyone hopes? Probably not. I hope I’m wrong. I hope Manny pulls off a semi-miracle. Yes, I will watch. No, I’m not going. I made my choice. Game 7.

Great, I'm glad it took hundreds and hundreds of words to get to the point where Bill makes a decision on which sporting event he will choose to attend. His readers definitely needed to be taken through the process on how decided which event to attend, all while feeling like Bill is waving his success in their face and being a douchebag overall, only to come to the conclusion that Bill came to in the beginning based on a rule he created. That rule is there is no excuse to miss a Game 7, yet Bill was going to ignore that rule. Of course.

And by the way? I didn’t have a choice. My daughter turns 10 tomorrow. She’s already a master guilt-tripper and consistently ropes me into doing whatever she wants. It’s a dad-daughter thing and it’s impossible to explain;

Unless you are one of the hundreds of million of people alive on the planet Earth who also have a daughter. In that case, this exclusive club of being whipped by your daughter is easy to explain because it's something hundreds of millions of fathers experience. But go on, tell me about this special bond you and your daughter have that is too difficult to explain. Please tell me more, it's fascinating to hear you experience things no one else has experienced.

I’m spending the entire day with her, then going to Game 7 … and only because she allowed me to do so. Yes, I’m daughter-whipped.

Wow, you are spending the whole day with your daughter? That's amazing and almost like something a parent would do. Fucking bizarre, man. I'm glad she allowed you to go to the basketball game. 

I bring this up for a crucial reason: Every May, my daughter’s birthday party falls on an unbelievable sports day. 

Oh yeah, that does sound crucial. I don't know how Bill managed to make this incredibly hard decision of deciding which sporting event to attend during the same week he had to give up watching sports during the afternoon to spend time with his daughter on her birthday. If choosing between the boxing match and Game 7 was a Sophie's Choice, having to spend time at home prior to making Sophie's Choice with your kids is clearly the equivalent of being locked in a room with Bill Simmons for an entire day.

I still enjoy how Bill goes through his whole thought process. He doesn't mean to, but he comes off pretty douchey. Actually, he probably means to.

And I could have avoided this, year after year, had my wife and I done the math pre-pregnancy and aimed (no pun intended)

I don't get why this would be a pun, because unless Bill's wife has the world's most bizarre vagina that resembles an elaborate hole on a miniature golf course, he shouldn't have to do too much aiming while attempting to conceive a baby.

Here’s the point: If you’re pulling the goalie and you’re a psycho about sports (and there are more of us out there than you’d think),

Oh okay, there are more of "us" out there than I think? Thanks for telling me because I'm currently reading a column about sports, so the odds are decent that I'm pretty psycho about sports. Bill Simmons telling his readers there are more people out there who are psycho about sports is pretty rich. Why must he lecture his readers on obvious matters such as this?

don’t be afraid to get a little Gladwell/Outliers/Canadian Hockey Parent Weird and aim for a certain birthday range. You can get a little sports-fan selfish about it. It might work, it might not.

Bill Simmons probably believes that he is pushing a new idea here. The idea of planning when a child is born. Families plan when they are going to have their children all the time and will avoid certain months or times of the year. It's called "family planning" and it is done all the time, even if Bill wants to try and throw a sports-bent to it in order to pretend this is a new idea.

But that’s how I came to pick Game 7 (and my daughter, kind of) over The Big Fight.

Thanks and feel free to never explain something like this again. Of course, Bill WILL do something like this again because he wants his readers to know he even had the option of attending two exciting sporting events. Bill is never afraid to tell all his readers the cool shit he gets to do. Anything to soothe his ego.

Time to rip through some NBA emails. As always, these are actual emails from actual readers.

Hey Bill, how about you aim to write an entire column without a mailbag of some sort?

(And as I write this, Bill posts a full column about Tim Duncan. He did it once AND he wrote about Tim Duncan yet again when he wrote a two-part column on Duncan just a few years ago. I'll tell you when I'm impressed.)

Q: During G-State/New Orleans, my son said to me, “You know who Curry is? Gretzky.” And we realized that Warriors/Oilers parallels worked all the way down the roster. Draymond Green? Mark Messier. Klay Thompson? Jari Kurri. Andrew Bogut? Grant Fuhr. You can even make a case for Andre Iguodala and Craig MacTavish.  I just can’t think of anyone Curry reminds me of more than the Great One. Skinny. Not a great athlete. And a genius.

—Eric S., Provo

I'm just going to stare in silence at the computer screen knowing this reader just compared Draymond Green to Mark Messier and Andrew Bogut as Grant Fuhr. I mean, no. Don't. Let's allow the Warriors to be the Warriors without comparing Draymond Green to Mark Messier. It's like saying Luc Longley is Grant Fuhr just because they both protected the goal on championship teams. Sometimes the similarities begin and end at the same place.

Bill shoots this idea down saying:

Do we have to bring the best hockey forward ever into this? By the time Gretzky turned 27 (Curry’s age now), he’d already won three Cups and eight straight Hart Trophies (EIGHT!!!) and broken every conceivable NHL scoring record...Do we have to bring the best hockey forward ever into this? By the time Gretzky turned 27 (Curry’s age now), he’d already won three Cups and eight straight Hart Trophies (EIGHT!!!) and broken every conceivable NHL scoring record.

Sometimes (okay, oftentimes) Bill's readers are a little too eager to get his attention and resort to just writing stupid shit.

Let’s just say “He’s a little Gretzky-ish at times” and be done with it.

Yes, "let's" say that. I bet since Bill is a huge LA Kings fan now, he wanted to be the one who made the comparison to Wayne Gretzky but his readers beat him to it. So of course, he had to crap on the idea since they got to the idea before he did.

Q: Regarding your mailbag question on the most appropriate name for the Ben Simmons tanking process over here, a great guy is known to be a ‘top bloke.” Why not call the Ben Simmons tanking process “Choke for the Top Bloke?”

—Jono Adelaide, Australia

BS: Not bad. Last Friday, I asked the readers to see if they could top “Lossie for the Aussie” or “Skimmin’ for Simmons.” My favorite runner-up suggestions: Blunder for Down Under, Poo for a Kangaroo, Bend Down for Ben, DeRailin’ for the Australian and Pulled Asunder for Down Under.

I'm pretty sure everyone remembers, Bill. It was a week ago, not a decade ago. Stop trying to run mailbag contests and just get to the part where you top your readers' ideas with a more clever idea of your own.

Q: Wouldn’t the obvious candidate be “B.S. for B.S.?”
—Alex, Manhattan, KS

BS: “B.S. for B.S.!”

That’s right … B.S. for “B.S. for B.S.”!

That's right! That's right! Why is Bill so excited?

That's fine though. Bill can pay attention to college basketball for a month every year, but I'm going to go on record as saying I think Skal Labissiere is going to give Simmons a great run for his money as the #1 overall pick. That is, unless the NBA doesn't want 6'11" power forward/center combo guys who can run the floor, block shots, are good shooters, excellent rebounders, and have great intangibles. In that case, yes, Ben Simmons will probably easily be the #1 overall pick. Don't sleep on Skal. He's going to Kentucky, while Ben Simmons is going to LSU. It should be fun to watch, but I am not even close to giving the #1 overall pick to Simmons right now. I wouldn't expect Bill to know who Skal Labissiere is though. He only knows about Ben Simmons because they have the same "B.S." initials and last name of "Simmons."

After all, we are talking about a franchise forward with the exact same name as my only son and who just so happens to be entering the same draft lottery in which my favorite team has its own pick, Brooklyn’s pick (UNPROTECTED!) and Dallas’s pick (top-seven protected — and yeah, that team is Year 18 Dirk, Knee Surgery Parsons and Just About Nobody Else right now). This is too important. I need more time.

Oh God, I'm not going to be able to handle it if the Celtics landed Ben Simmons in the draft. I mean, I could handle it, but I couldn't handle Bill's bullshit if Simmons was drafted by the Celtics. Fortunately, the Celtics probably won't be in a position to draft Simmons, even with all of those first round picks.

Also in last week’s mailbag, I gave everyone one week to top “James Dolan, disaster expert” in a new game called “Find someone who has the exact same name as a celebrity, but also has a ridiculous job that somehow ties into how ridiculous the celebrity is.”

Now, some might say I cheated by not including the other Bill Simmons — a.k.a. “El Wingador,” the renowned chicken wing eating champion who went to jail for cocaine trafficking. But I’ve been in the same room with cocaine only once in my life — during Game 7, 2004 ALCS, the bathroom of an undisclosed Boston bar, when I had gone in there to pee and inadvertently walked in on two guys snorting lines off the bathroom sink. 

I find it hard to believe that Bill Simmons attended a prep school and Holy Cross, but only managed to be in the same room as cocaine once...and that wasn't even in college.

It’s true: Lenny Bias blew three to four Celtics titles, but he also ruined any chance of me ever trying cocaine.

Well that makes sense. Bill otherwise would have used cocaine, but because Len (not Lenny, it's not aren't Tommy Heinsohn) Bias died after using cocaine Bill decided that it wasn't worth it. Nice to hear that he makes personal life decisions like this not based on what he does or does not choose to want to do, but because it didn't work out well for an NBA player.

"I was going to start using heroin, but the fact Kurt Cobain had a drug problem that helped contribute to his death really turned me off to it. If Kurt Cobain had not used heroin and then died an early death, the urge to stick in a needle in my arm and chase the dragon would have been too much for me to resist! I mean, I really want to use heroin a lot."

That raises a separate mailbag question (I’ll save you the energy): Would I rather have those three to four titles and maybe four to five extra Bird-McHale years (since Bias would have extended their careers) even if it meant there would have been a good chance I’d have at least tried cocaine in college (and then who knows?) … or would I rather keep things the way they were? And the answer, obviously, is OF COURSE I WOULD HAVE WANTED THE EXTRA TITLES AND THE EXTRA BIRD-MCHALE YEARS!!! ARE YOU CRAZY???????

I always have loved the idea that Len Bias would have extended the Bird-McHale years. Bill furthers this idea simply because there is no way anyone can prove him incorrect (there's no way of knowing what Bias would have done for the Celtics), but would having Len Bias around really have caused Bird's minutes to be cut and solved the back problems that plagued him throughout his late career? Bird would have been like, "Oh sure fine, I'll cut my minutes and hand the reins of the team off to this young guy, because I'm concerned about my physical well-being."

That doesn't sound like anything the Larry Bird I knew would do. The same Larry Bird who emotionally abused opponents and teammates. He would have stepped back even just a little bit and shown concern for his physical well-being? Not sure I see that.

Q: Have you noticed that every time CP gets called for a personal, he looks like a toddler who just lost his favorite toy? It’s unbelievable.

—Tyler, Fremont, Nebraska

BS: The Clippers can’t beat San Antonio when they’re worried about the refs for three straight hours. Just play basketball, for God’s sake. As a Los Angeles reader named Ryan points out, it’s not a coincidence that they ended up with someone nicknamed “Big Baby” on this team.

It's no coincidence this "Big Baby" character was drafted by the Boston Celtics, which just so happens to be Bill's favorite NBA team. It's also no coincidence this "Big Baby" guy attended the same college that Ben Simmons, Bill Simmons' new favorite college basketball player, will be attending next year.

Q: Kia commercial idea: Doc Rivers forces Blake Griffin to drive his new Kia 220,000 miles. Car predictably breaks down on the highway, leading Doc to complain loudly about the quality of the California roads.

—Alex H, Baltimore

BS: Come on, come on. They’re trying. Game 6 was a big step forward.

The fact Bill is noting that current Clippers players and the Clippers' head coach complain all the time, when there are ex-Celtics players on the Clippers team and the Clippers' head coach won an NBA Title in Boston with the Celtics is too much for me. I have died of an irony overdose.

Q: You always talk about Rondo being a 90-10 guy, is he now a 10-90 guy?

—Elie, Los Angeles

BS: It’s not that bad. He’s a 50/50 guy now — you love 50 percent of the stuff he does and you hate the other 50 percent. How ’bout the Mavs stiffing Rondo on his 2015 playoff share? Is there a better way to show your contempt for a teammate than stiffing him on his playoff share? I love sports sometimes. I wish ESPN voted on playoff shares every year. I would totall— AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’M GETTING ELECTROSHOCKED!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Bill still loves to play the "ESPN rebel" angle in his columns and when he is throwing his annual hissy-fit over something ESPN has done. Yet, he loved ESPN enough to stay with them for the past 15 years and is perfectly fine setting up Grantland knowing he had the full financial backing support of the ESPN web of influence. If Bill does leave ESPN, rest assured he will go to another larger sports organization. He wants to be the rebel and outsider, but he's always taking the money and the influence like an insider, because that's what he is.

Bill is like a politician who states that the power should be taken away from the PAC's and other powerful organizations and put into the hands of the people. Bill the politician would state there needs to be campaign finance reform, all while PAC's "not affiliated" with him that just happen to be affiliated with him in some way are collecting millions of dollars to fund his campaign. He puts on a good show about being the outsider, but he loves that ESPN money and exposure he gets.

Then Bill makes a comparison of The Undertaker to Tim Duncan, which is probably the comparison that inspired him to write (another) column about Tim Duncan. Take inspiration where you can get it, I guess.

Q: Does no one care that Lamarcus Aldridge shot 33% against Memphis in Round One? I know Z-Bo and Big Spain are tough, but that’s not exactly the performance you want going into free agency.

—Kevin Linger, Arlington, VA

BS: No because Aldridge wasn’t leaving Portland unless Round 1 went badly. Yes because that series proved something we already knew: Aldridge is a star, but he’s not a superstar. (You’re not a title contender just because he showed up. But in a 2008 Celtics-type scenario, where he’s one of three All-Stars, that’s different. So you’re one-third of the way there with him.)

Oh really? From last week's mailbag:

You could make a strong case for Aldridge being in play this summer.

He’s from Dallas and attended the University of Texas, which opens up going-back-home possibilities in San Antonio (Duncan’s replacement?), Dallas (the Mavs’ new franchise guy?) AND Houston (his best chance for a quickie Finals trip).

So with two of those teams Aldridge would be part of a three-headed All-Star, but Dallas? As the franchise guy? Is Bill referring to Aldridge as a franchise guy here, because if so, he contradicts his own opinion a week later. Then Bill listed the three NBA teams that Aldridge would seriously consider joining.

Which makes me think Orlando (assets + talent + youth + Florida), Boston (assets + youth + role players + President Stevens + great owner/front office) and New York (biggest market, Carmelo, top-three pick, cap space) could be legitimate LaMarcus players here.

Now a bigger contradiction! So where are the three-headed All-Stars on these teams? The Knicks have Carmelo, while the Magic and Celtics don't really have any perennial All-Stars at this point. At no point when providing the formula each team has that would draw Aldridge does Bill write "another All-Star" as being part of the draw. So either Bill thinks another All-Star isn't a draw for Aldridge (which would make sense because he mentions Aldridge doesn't like sharing face time with Lillard for commercial opportunities) or he made up the whole "Aldridge needs two other All-Stars around him to succeed" idea in this very mailbag and has no concern if it contradicts his idea of where Aldridge would end up this summer as a free agent.

In the mailbag a week or two ago, Bill never mentioned that Aldridge would need two other All-Stars around him to win a title. This leads me to believe he, as usual, is making things up on the spot. One would think when discussing Aldridge's free agency and the teams he might choose as a free agent that "Hey, he won't win a title with any of these teams because they don't have two other All-Stars" would come up at some point. It seems like something Bill would mention this since he seems to believe this statement is true.

Q: Save this email, because I’m calling it right now: Myles Turner is going to be an NBA superstar. In three years, when he’s first-team All-NBA and carrying the Cs with Smart and Thomas to the Finals, you can run this email and say “Man, that guy nailed it.”

—Tito Crafts, Northampton, MA

BS: I’ll do you one better: I will run that email and say, “Man, Tito Crafts nailed it.” I’ll throw in italics and everything.

HAHA! Maybe it's the stink of Rick Barnes, but I don't think Myles Turner will make one All-Star team. He's a center who doesn't run the floor like a young person should (seriously, he doesn't move like a 19 year old) and loves to shoot three-point shots when allowed to. He could be a star, but the fact he chose to play for Rick Barnes concerns me greatly. That's bad decision-making right there. I don't think Myles Turner will be an NBA superstar. Ever. Never. Not happening. Of course, I thought Andre Drummond wasn't motivated enough to be an NBA star, so I've been wrong before. I feel pretty confident about this one. Turner couldn't steal minutes from Grimace (that's Cameron Ridley) at Texas, so I don't feel good about him stealing minutes from actually good basketball players in the NBA.

Q: In your 2007 MVP Column you wrote this about Tim Duncan:

This is simply a reminder that Bill Simmons has written about Tim Duncan A LOT over the years. Imagine if the Celtics had landed Duncan in the draft instead of not having a shot at him. There is a chance Bill would have written 2-3 columns per year about Duncan. And yes, it seems at this point writing about Duncan is the only thing that gets Bill motivated enough to write a full column without gimmicks other than YouTube videos.

Now regarding Kelly Olynyk ripping Kevin Love's arm out of socket: 

By the way, I’ve been watching Father Kelly for two years; he’s a clumsy, uncoordinated, way-too-nice, laid-back Canadian who sucks at boxing out and had just heard his coach scream at his entire team about not giving up offensive rebounds. I believe it was a fluke. Then again, I’m the same guy who still believes Bernard Karmell Pollard should serve prison time, so I’m probably not an unbiased observer here.

Which is why Bill should be ignored when it comes to almost anything he writes. He tends to come to a conclusion and then finds a way to defend that conclusion. Olynyk meant to do it and it wasn't a fluke. Maybe I'm biased because I never wanted the Celtics to draft Olynyk.

Q: Did the Celtics just lose whatever (admittedly small) chance they had of signing Kevin Love this summer when Olynyk dislocated Love’s shoulder?

—Josh, Boston

BS: Are you kidding? If Love holds any real bitterness, we’ll waive Father Kelly tomorrow! We’ll strip his clothes, force him to walk from Charlestown to the South End wearing an “I’m sorry, Kevin” sign.

Yes, "we" will do this. Also, why shame Olynyk in this way if the injury was a fluke? If it was a fluke then Olynyk should have nothing to be sorry for.

The reason he didn’t intentionally hurt Love doubles as the reason he’s expendable: Again, he’s a clumsy, uncoordinated, way-too-nice, laid-back Canadian who sucks at boxing out (and can’t protect the rim).

Keep repeating the same shit over and over. At some point, maybe you can find someone to believe you. And yes, all of those reasons are why a Gonzaga team built around Olynyk couldn't make the Sweet Sixteen and I didn't want the Celtics to draft him.

Q: It’s not like we need any more proof that God hates Cleveland, but doesn’t Olynyk bear a striking resemblance to Jesus? God isn’t even trying to hide it at this point.

—Mike, Chicago

Sure Mike, if you are one of the idiotic people who thought Jesus looked more like a Canadian and less like a dude of Middle Eastern descent and want to white-wash Jesus into looking like something he probably didn't look like, Olynyk and Jesus are pretty much twins.

BS: I’m starting to feel bad. Can I cheer the Cleveland fans up for a second?

When Wade knocked Rondo out of the playoffs in 2011 I'm sure Bill thought it was just "a fluke" and he has no hard feelings. Sure, I believe that. There's always a reason why Bill's favorite team isn't dirty or didn't intentionally hurt a player. In this case, Olynyk is just uncoordinated so he mistook a player's arm for something else. Maybe Olynyk was frustrated because Stevens was on the team's ass about offensive rebounding and took his anger out on Love? Of course not. He's a nice guy.

Then one of Bill's readers gives a convoluted analogy to why the Cavs fans are not loud enough at games, and of course, it ends with a reference to masturbating. Shouldn't it disturb Bill (because it disturbs the shit out of me) that so many of his readers write into his mailbag by talking about masturbating?

So Cavs fans have the breakup reunion hangover where you can’t quite put 100% of your emotion into it yet because your brain won’t let you! After all, you still keep the lotion and tissues in your bedside drawer just in case.

—Craig, Columbia, MD

BS: Yup … these are my readers.

Yes, they write into your mailbag to discuss jerking themselves off. It reflects on you that these are your fans. But hey, let's ignore that and hear more about how you had to make the difficult choice between buying a fully loaded BMW convertible or a fully loaded Lexus that has more room for the family. I'm sure your readers would love to read about you swinging your dick around a little bit more. 


Chris said...

It seems Bill's short term memory is fading a little since he forgets he called Finals Game 6 Spurs-Heat the greatest of all time. Much like he did with that game I can't wait for Bill to admit that he doesn't really remember that much about the game despite the fact he attended it and his only job was to watch the damn game.

Chris said...

In regards to his comments about Mayweather and his domestic disputes Bill just seems to be rationalizing why he should be allowed to watch the fight. I think most people are willing to seperate his domestic disputes from his ability in the ring. The problem is it becomes very difficult to do that when Floyd himself acts like some martyr unfairly being strung up by the public and the media and mouths off about the women he has allegedly abused all the time. And the whole controversy about his camp banning Michele Beadle and Rachel Nichols from ringside doesn't do him any favors either in that regard. That makes him more of a villain than he already is considering his general self absorption and general need to rub his extravagant wealth in our faces.

Anonymous said...

Terrific takedown. He served himself up on a platter for blogs like these (the column was basically a walk-through of Bill's moronic thought process while tackling an incredibly first world problem) and comedy ensued.

I love how he's suddenly an enormous boxing fan, because he's ALWAYS been a huge boxing fan, since some event years and years ago. I read a lot of his columns back in the day and I don't recall any mention of boxing at all. Maybe I missed it...I remember Boston sports, movie stars, NBA, wrestling, bad sports movies, mailbags, but no boxing.

Eric said...

Notice how he specifies Gretzky as the best hockey forward. What a shocker that he probably has Bobby Orr as the best hockey player.

Bengoodfella said...

Chris, I think Bill's memory could be fine it's just that he is hoping his readers forget those sorts of things.

I understand that Mayweather made himself a villain and all of that, but I think he's gone a step beyond villain at this point. Banning people from having access and overall possibly embracing the villain aspect outside of the ring as well hasn't done him any favors.

I wasn't going to buy the match because I learned my lesson about buying Pay-Per-View boxing matches. I've always been let down in the past and I won't support two fighters who were too much of wimps to face each other in their prime. I can separate what he does out of the ring, but still think he's an asshole and won't support his fights because I know his fighting style isn't that exciting.

Mayweather has to make himself exciting, because the way he boxes really isn't that thrilling.

Anon, thanks. Bill's columns are hard because I have to lay off some of the dumb stuff he writes. I don't really remember too much boxing in Bill's writing. Maybe he's a fan and just doesn't talk about it much in writing because he knows it won't move pageviews? That's entirely possible, because I know he only writes about things that gets him pageviews and increase his popularity and boxing probably wouldn't do that.

Eric, ahhhh...good catch. I didn't notice that at all. I don't know enough about Orr to make a judgment, but I have to think it's Gretzky as best hockey player of all-time.

Bengoodfella said...

Chris, I think Bill's memory could be fine it's just that he is hoping his readers forget those sorts of things.

I understand that Mayweather made himself a villain and all of that, but I think he's gone a step beyond villain at this point. Banning people from having access and overall possibly embracing the villain aspect outside of the ring as well hasn't done him any favors.

I wasn't going to buy the match because I learned my lesson about buying Pay-Per-View boxing matches. I've always been let down in the past and I won't support two fighters who were too much of wimps to face each other in their prime. I can separate what he does out of the ring, but still think he's an asshole and won't support his fights because I know his fighting style isn't that exciting.

Mayweather has to make himself exciting, because the way he boxes really isn't that thrilling.

Anon, thanks. Bill's columns are hard because I have to lay off some of the dumb stuff he writes. I don't really remember too much boxing in Bill's writing. Maybe he's a fan and just doesn't talk about it much in writing because he knows it won't move pageviews? That's entirely possible, because I know he only writes about things that gets him pageviews and increase his popularity and boxing probably wouldn't do that.

Eric, ahhhh...good catch. I didn't notice that at all. I don't know enough about Orr to make a judgment, but I have to think it's Gretzky as best hockey player of all-time.

JT said...

Reading the part where he agonizes over the "problem" of having to decide between going to a NBA playoff game or the fight of the century made me want to send in a waaaambulance.

And apparently Simmons is leaving ESPN. It really pains me to read a news alert that describes a whiny manchild whose best writing days are far behind him as "one of America's most influential sports personalities".

Frank said...

JT, beat me to it...yeah, looks like he is indeed leaving. Dumbest move he could make. He's 45, he could likely easily retire in 10 years (wait, retire from doing what??), he should just ride out the remnants of his Simmons-clones for that time and fade away, but nope...he thinks he's destined for greater things, apparently.

Bengoodfella said...

JT, I know, right? Such a tough decision. NOW he does have a tough decision deciding which place to go after he leaves ESPN.

I fully believe can succeed without ESPN now that he has a built-in audience, but I wonder if he can succeed on the same level he is at now.

Frank, he's motivated to prove ESPN wrong. This means there will be dozens of knocks against ESPN, because he's the bitter, whining child who does shit like that.

Matt D said...

I like how Simmons talked about Muhammad Ali's appearances on Wide World of Sports as a first-hand observer. The last time Wide World of Sports aired an Ali fight, Simmons was 6 years old.

Bengoodfella said...

Matt, he was there though and it was an EVENT that no one could understand.

So basically, Bill saw it on tape like everyone could see it on tape now.

Anonymous said...

Good stuff. Related, I hated when he said he had to miss going to the Super Bowl a few months ago because he had to attend his daughter's soccer tournament. He watched the game at Jimmy Kimmel's theater with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck instead.

He still tries to present himself as an "everyman," but he's so out of touch.

Bengoodfella said...

Anon, he really watched the game at Kimmel's theater? I do remember there being a pic online of him with Matt Damon and Tony Kornheiser is photobombing them.

His attempts to be just like his readers have failed for a while now. The only one he is fooling at this point is himself.