Tuesday, May 10, 2016

0 comments MMQB Review: Just a Mini-Review Edition

I truly have not read a full MMQB in a few months until I read the one for this week. If I read MMQB then I make time to write about it and that leaves less time for other shit. Besides, this is more of a mini-review really. It's probably for the best because it cuts out all the boring commentary I tend to add. See? I'm not gone. I'm still here. Now if I can just remember how I do the whole fisking thing...

Peter starts off with a story about Adrian Peterson helping Palenstine, Texas. They have been hit with severe flooding and so Peter asks about that, and of course he asks about football too. Despite the fact Peterson just wants to win a championship, (It's what he thinks of everyday!)

Everything in me is championship, championship and then breaking records. It’s a part of me. I am pushing myself to the max to win a Super Bowl, and then to break Emmitt’s record and Eric Dickerson’s [single-season rushing] record. It is my everyday life, what I think of every day. Mostly it’s that Super Bowl. Then the whole world will remember you.”

It seems Peterson likes to talk and think of person records every day as well, just more than he thinks about winning the Super Bowl. I give you these quotes.

At 31, he’s trying to stave off what time does to all running backs. Peterson said: “I honestly think I can do this, and do it at a high level, until I’m 40.”

They ask how he got into football, and my name came up. I watched Adrian Peterson, and I was a Vikings fan. The things I’ve been through and what I’ve overcome, it’s good to know I can inspire people and change people’s lives. Here I am, a kid who grew up in Palestine, Texas, and now lives in Minnesota, and there’s a guy in Germany who flips on YouTube one day and gets inspired by me, and now he gets to play alongside the individual that inspired him to get into football.

Peterson: “Not to be cocky or anything, but I know, at 31, my end is going to be better than my beginning. One thing I know, and will remain true: These young guys will never outwork me. I put my body through the grind. Just knowing how my body remains healthy, age is not really affecting me. It’s my mindset. I don’t get into the 30-year-old running-back thing, that you’re done at 30. I am getting stronger with age.

Peterson: “I can, but will I? Honestly, I don’t think I will. Mentally, I don’t know. Once I get to 38, I don’t think I’ll have the same love of the game. Sometimes I get tired of training camp. I think I can endure five more [camps], but after that, I don’t know.”

But really, he's focused on the Super Bowl right now. And no, he isn't helping Palenstine, Texas through the flooding because they supported him through his legal troubles over the past few years. It doesn't work that way. Peterson says it was "a given" that Palenstine would support him through his legal troubles. He doesn't need to pay the city back because their support for him was a given. I mean, they better support him after all he's done for them. Wait, that came out wrong.

Hey look, a Sam Bradford picture where it seems like he's not looking at where he's throwing the football while making a ridiculous face!

Sam Bradford has been locked in a dispute with the Eagles since the team traded up to draft a quarterback with the No. 2 pick.

(Sam Bradford): "No-look pass! Did you see that coach?"

(Doug Pederson) "You are benched Sam. There wasn't even a receiver on that side of the field."

(Sam Bradford pulls a money roll out of his uniform sleeve) "That's bullshit. When am I going to get a chance to prove what I can do? I'm holding out and not playing anymore until you make me the starter."

(Doug Pederson) "Okay, that's fine. You have been benched, so I don't care if you play during the games. Actually, I do not want you to play. That is why I just benched you. You will get fined for not showing up to pract---"

(Sam Bradford pulls a money roll out of his cleats and looks up in disbelief as Pederson talks to him) "Why would I not show up to practice? I love this team and I am dedicated to helping this team win games. I just want a chance for you to pay me a lot of money and then I get to show what I can do. If you don't pay me, how can I be expected to show you what I can do?"

(Doug Pederson) "You are still benched though."

(Sam Bradford) "But...I do still get all of my money, right? Plus, I mean, eventually...like at some point...I get a shot to show what I can do, but my money will be there no matter what, right? I'm a competitor. I need my money."

“Riders up!”

—Saints coach Sean Payton, giving the traditional instructions to jockeys before Saturday’s Kentucky Derby.

Then Sean Payton pulled out a baseball bat and bashed in the leg of every horse except the one he bet on, while Drew Brees claimed to know absolutely nothing about this. It's a shock to him!

In his hometown of Palestine, Texas, Adrian Peterson sponsors and funds three select youth football teams. The youngest, the bantam team, wears uniforms with the maroon and white of Palestine High. The next, the junior team, wears the red and white of Peterson’s Oklahoma Sooners. The oldest team, the senior squad, wears the purple and white of his Minnesota Vikings.

Maybe if there ends up being a fourth team that Peterson sponsors then that team could wear black and blue uniforms, the same color that Peterson's children end up being when they misbehave.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Notes of the Week

So I was in Portland, Ore., for a couple of days last week. On my way out of town Thursday night, at the Portland airport (a fantastic, clean place with good food and drink),

I'm glad that's cleared up. I thought the Portland airport was a filthy, whorish place where there is a trough of human waste for passengers at the airport to drink from while they eat the remains of the dead birds found on planes that have landed. It's important when telling the story about losing a cell phone that Peter is clear he doesn't hate the airport. This isn't a "Marriott doesn't serve coffee until 6am" situation, but a "Peter is an idiot and set his phone down" situation. So there is no culpability on the part of the Portland airport. He won't call out the airport in his MMQB like he did to the Marriott. I'm not sure the Marriott has fully recovered from the vengeance Peter exacted upon it. 

I lost my cell phone. I was in a men’s room and put my phone down while washing my hands (it was sort of crowded in there),

So, because it was crowded in the restroom, Peter put his cell phone down. Is this what he means? If it weren't busy, he just would have held on to the phone?

"Boy, it's really busy in this airport. Maybe I'll set down my incredibly valuable list of contacts and phone numbers on this counter near water. That'll be real safe-like."

and I then used the air dryer on my hands for 15 to 20 seconds, and turned around and the phone was gone. Stupid me.

Okay, now I have several questions.

1. Why was the phone not in Peter's pocket?

2. If the phone was not in Peter's pocket, does this mean he was using the phone while taking a piss/shit? If so, whoever stole Peter's cell phone better sanitize the shit out of that thing.

3. Again, he put his phone down in a crowded bathroom and then TURNED HIS BACK TO THE PHONE? This was an intentional decision and not a desperate ploy to get his phone stolen?

4. I like how Peter clarified he was in "a" men's room, not "the" men's room. I enjoyed this. Don't ask why. As if maybe this wasn't a bathroom at all, but just a room for only men.

I looked in my backpack,

Fanny pack. Don't lie, Peter.

thinking maybe I’d put it there before going through security, though I was a pretty sure I hadn’t. Nothing. I looked on the floor and the counters and the tops of the air dryers. Nothing. If someone walked off with it, they were gone; the option was to either go out and yell in the terminal, “HEY! WHO STOLE MY PHONE?,” or to ask the nearest official-looking person about it. 

For someone who laid his phone down in a crowded bathroom and then turned his back on the phone, Peter recovered well.

"I know my options. Yell loudly at an airport terminal, which would gain the attention of passengers, employees and possibly the TSA agents or I can just ask someone if someone turned in a phone less than 30 seconds ago. You know what I'm going to do? I'll just follow this woman around the terminal and record her personal phone conversation in my notebook."

I said my cell phone had disappeared in the men’s room, and if someone turned it in, where would they turn it in? (Fruitless. Totally fruitless. But you want to try something, anything, when 1,433 phone numbers, luckily password-protected and saved in the cloud, get picked up by a stranger.)

I thought lost my phone in Vegas during a convention, so I can sympathize with Peter here. I was in a panic. Still, you can't just put your phone down in a bathroom.

LaGuardia to Minneapolis. Deep in coach.

Machine-gun laugher across the aisle, in the aisle seat.

Window-seat guy shows up. “Excuse me. I got the window seat.”

Machine-gun laugher: "Sure!”

Window-seat guy: “Thanks, buddy.”

 Machine-gun laugher: “Okay, bahahahahahahahahaha.”

Later, flight attendant comes by and asks choice of drink. He says seltzer. She asks if club soda is okay. He says, “Perfect.” With a soft, “Bahahahahahahaha!”

Machine-gun laugher: comfortable in his own laughter.

Peter King: comfortable in his own haughtiness.

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think the NFL-as-family thing, which has gotten badly beaten up in recent years, needs some resuscitation. So Roger Goodell sending brownies to Eli Apple’s mother and then the league leaking it and Tweeting about it … smart move. A bit over the top, but not bad.

I didn't hear about this story until now. So...this means to me Peter King is the leaker who is helping the NFL get good publicity. 

2. I think that’s a good extension by the Dolphins, signing pass-rusher Cam Wake through the end of the 2017 season. This is a player who’s overachieved for much of his career, averaging 10.8 sacks a year over the past six seasons—while missing 10 games over that period due to injury.

Has Wake overachieved if he has consistently played well over a six season period? Is that overachieving or simply just being a good football player?

This is why I can't read MMQB anymore. I semantics-to-death what Peter writes because sometimes he gets lazy mid-sentence.

3. I think Sam Bradford did the smart thing by reporting to the Eagles on Monday. He had zero support in any corner, and he was going to take a pasting for as long as he stayed away. Good move.

Great move by Bradford to stop being a baby and report to camp.

This is the life of Sam Bradford. He's made short of $90 million in his career while really not achieving too much, then he threatens to hold out of training camp and he gets complimented for not making a bad decision. It's like he can't go wrong.

Bradford could take hostages after he's robbed a bank. If he eventually let the hostages go without hurting them, he would be praised for the care he shows for his fellow man and allowed to keep the money he stole.

4. I think if I may leave a postscript on the inner workings of the Dallas draft room last week … So there’s been some stuff out there in the past few days that really doesn’t represent what happened in the draft room accurately.

Meaning: Jerry Jones called/emailed me and bitched about this, so I need to clear it up on his behalf.

6. I think grading a draft a day or two after it ends is asinine.

But making a power ranking of the best teams in the NFL during the upcoming season on June 1 is a stroke of writing genius. 

The two teams in the Super Bowl were #9 and #20 on the list.

7. I think I categorically agree with Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk: Any legitimacy of the NFL Network’s top 100 players is tarnished badly when Andrew Luck is “voted” number 92. How is Luck seven in 2015 and 92 in 2016? Because he got hurt last year? I pay scant attention to this thing anyway, but the Luck thing makes it certain I will pay it zero attention this year.

Yes, this completely and utterly opinion-based ranking that is made purely to get television ratings and to get people talking doesn't have legitimacy. Who would have thought it?

I'm glad Peter is standing up so strongly to the opinion-based sports industry. I presume this means he will be taking on the often-wrong opinion of Rodney Harrison while they work together on the NBC Sunday night football set? Or is that totally different?

8. I think this is one reason why Neil Hornsby and Pro Football Focus are pretty darned good: Last September, this is what Hornsby wrote about Jordan Reed, the up-and-coming tight end for Washington, for The MMQB: “It always surprises me no one seems to talk about Washington’s Jordan Reed. Drafted 22 places after [Kansas City’s Travis] Kelce, it often feels like Reed is an afterthought … Keep an eye on him because once Washington realizes what it has, he may not stay hidden much longer.”

Considering Jordan Reed has consistently been considered an outstanding talent that just can't seem to stay healthy, it's odd to me that Peter gives PFF credit for being all over Jordan Reed as a stroke of brilliance. Reed was not an afterthought, he was just injured a lot. His talent wasn't an issue ever. His health was always the question.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

h. Seriously? May 9 and the Phillies four games over .500? How’d that happen?

They won enough games to where they were four games over .500.

The only thing predictable about sports is the expectation from sportswriters that sports will be predictable, followed by their disbelief when unpredictability ensues.

n. Beernerdness: In Oregon, tried the Crux Saison (Crux Fermentation Project, Bend, Ore.) on tap and wasn’t blown away, but liked it. The best thing was how incredibly fresh it tasted. Lighter than most Saisons I’ve had.

It was so incredibly fresh and lighter than most other Saisons that Peter put his phone on top of bar to run to the restroom, then he went across the street for a sandwich, and came back to find his phone gone.

p. Saw “Trainwreck.” I guess I’m about two years too late, or whatever. First reaction: LeBron James was really good, really natural, really clever.

LeBron was so clever it was almost like he didn't come up with the words he was saying during the movie. LeBron was so clever it almost seemed like there was a person who specifically told him what words to say and when to say them. Almost.

v. Congrats to Nyquist.

Yes, congratulations...horse that cannot read nor has a clue it is being congratulated because it's an animal.

The Adieu Haiku

Justin Tuck is done.
Top player. Champ. Better guy.
Hire the man, Rog.

This was supposed to be a direct message to Roger Goodell on Twitter. Peter did the Commish a favor by not spoiling that the Rams were taking Jared Goff, so Goodell needs to hire Justin Tuck as a favor to Peter.

I wish this haiku was done. I think Peter only keeps them in MMQB out of spite at this point.