The mere fact the web address has the words "special" and "event" contained in it made me sad inside. The best part of the chat is that he answers questions from hecklers, which makes him seem like a real big man until you realize he is the only ESPN columnist without comments available. I will give each answer of his a rating on a scale of 1-10 called the Hater-meter, which is very technical and measures how much more this answer makes me hate him. When you get a Boston Sports Guy chat, you know what you are getting, so to complain, bitch and moan is just stupid. Call me stupid then...By the way, this is going to be fucking loooooooooong.
Shawn from Cape Cod: Bill, are you as surprised/disturbed as I am by the players Doc has chosen to have on the floor at key points in games 3 and 4? Sam Cassell is a terrible fit for this series - he can't score or defend against the bigger, faster and more athletic Hawks. Ray Allen clearly can't defend Joe Johnson, and Eddie House was in the game when we had a 10 pt lead and needed a player (Rondo) to play lock down D and take the ball to the basket. I was calling for some Tony Allen on Joe Johnson about halfway through game 3. Clearly, the team as a whole is to blame here, but I can't help but worry about what I'm seeing from Doc, a guy who I felt has been solid all season.
Bill Simmons: I'll say this: It took 72 hours to undo 84 games - they don't have a rotation anymore, every bench guy has lost his confidence except Posey, and everyone is looking for their own shot. What scares me is that they played hard in both games. By the way, I'm typing this chat with 2 broken hands - after Doc left Ray Allen on Joe Johnson for the entire fourth quarter, I sparred for 10 rounds with the wall next to my sofa.
Oh shit, it is Shawn from Cape Cahhdd! Ok, doing this Dr. Phil style...
Shawn: You don't know anything about sports or the Celtics, I know you have always been a Knicks fan but are a bandwagon jumper. Shut up and go talk to your boys about how ahhsome Tom Brady is. You need to face the idea you could be a douchebag.
Bill: You are not a general manager and will never be one, so don't pretend you know how to coach or bring together a team. You are 37 and you are punching furniture, you need some real emotional help. Perhaps, you should look up your column from a few weeks ago about the death of a young athlete read it again and then think about what an ass you are and continue to be.
Hater-meter: 3
By the way, I am skipping as many of the boring Celtics related bitching questions as I can.
Will (Boston): First off, Bill is it true you called into WEEI last night after the game? Second, why is Mr. I hate Boston (Greenberg) on his soap box again pleading with the NBA to suspend KG? Do you think he will get suspended? Why was ZAZA not thrown out of the game for inciting a fight?
Bill Simmons: That's not true - i couldn't even talk to my Dad after last night's game, I was too pissed off. Look, neither guy should get suspended. And I loved Zaza standing up to KG, that was a great moment. As I wrote after game 2, everyone on that hawks team was peeing their pants except for Horford - I liked that they stood up for themselves in Games 3 and 4, I gained a lot of respect for those guys.
(Barely able to form the words) You--could--not call--your dad? How----are----we going to know what he said! HOW Bill? I need a quote from your dad ASAP! I love how Bill did not exactly state why neither guy should have been suspended. Garnett shoved a referee AND an Atlanta player and Boston player "left the bench" in the same way Stoudamire and Diaw left last year but they were suspended and the Celtics and Hawks player were not. It's almost like the NBA wants Boston in the Finals....I love how "NBA conspiracy Bill" does not mention this. I am glad he gained respect for the Hawks, because you know they were craving his respect. I personally gained respect for them when they beat the Celtics 3 times and almost won the entire series.
Hater-meter: 7
Dallas (Carrollton, TX: Avery Johnson has got to be fired right? He cancelled practice and threw a hissy fit and the players had their own meeting and practice. Let Paul Westpaul coach tonight instead of Avery "Lil Private" Johnson.
Bill Simmons: He's gone and I think D'Antoni is gone. It's time for both of them. Both are effective coaches, but they can only thrive with one type of roster and that's it - now they're coaching rosters that aren't in their wheelhouse and it's going about as well as the Miley Ray Cyrus photo shoot did.
Simmons thinks both coaches are gone? What a prediction! I guess the media reports that were confirming speculation of this on the same day he did this chat were right then! Simmonsologists hate it when he predicts stuff that is obvious, like when he said last week Horford would be a good pro. Also, who the fuck is Miley Ray Cyrus? I have never heard the "Ray" thrown in there at all. At least he did not say Hannah Montana.
Hater-meter: 6
kj, kent, oh: what a surprise! no cavs questions! hollinger took ONE question in his whole chat on the cavs/wiz series. glad to see ESPN is keeping up the hatred of all things LBJ. go on, pick the wiz again, genius!
Bill Simmons: My favorite thing about questions like this is that the people actually seem to believe what they're writing. You're right, ESPN needs to hype up LeBron more - we've been doing him a disservice.
Know how many people can recognize characteristics in other people because they possess those same characteristics themselves. Read that first sentence and think how many times has Bill believed what he is writing.
Hater-meter: 2
Nick (Colorado): Hey Bill, Do you see the Rockets beating the Jazz tonight and in a game 6 in Utah. I have a feeling that the Rockets can take both. Game 6 will have all the pressure on Utah, and I think the Rockets can capitalize on being the "underdog" as they did in game 3. T'mac's knee is a concern, but I think he's coming to play.
Bill Simmons: Very strange series - now that Rafer's back and Landry is giving them something, those teams are much closer than I thought. I think Houston wins tonight and I wouldn't be shocked to see them win Game 6. Utah lost a little luster for me not putting the Rockets away in Game 3 - title teams have to take care of business and they didn't. On the flip side, the Lakers are a great example of a contender taking care of business - that's how you do it. I was really impressed by them.
So if you add in their starting point guard and a key bench player to the rotation, Houston plays better? The same team that won 21 straight games? Thank God you are here to tell me these things. I can't help but wonder if the Celtics lost some luster for Bill when they did not put the Hawks away in Game 3. I mean, that is what title teams do. I think the Lakers had an easier time putting away their opponent in Game 3 because they were not playing a team that had won 21 straight games at one point this year. So what is the Celtics excuse for losing 3 games to a 39 win team? Bad coaching? Of course...and one more excuse coming. Wait for it.
Hater-meter: 9.
Brian Wayland MA: What's your fearless prediction for the Hawks-Celtics Series? Particularly Wednesday's game...
Bill Simmons: Depends on how injured Pierce is - that's the real problem here that nobody is mentioning. He hasn't been the same since he hurt his back in the first half of Game 2. If he was healthy, he would have been taking people to the hole last night - that's what he did on the road this year every time we needed points. Last night, he was like Antoine Walker. I think he's hurt. That's not an excuse because Atlanta played tougher and had the best guy on the court in game 3 (Smith) and Game 4 (Johnson). But it's hard to predict what will happen when PP looks like he's in pain.
Injuries, of course! You know why you have not heard anything about it? Because it did not occur and is not affecting his play at all. Normal brain v. Bill's brain example coming right up.
Normal Brain:
Pierce looks like he is hurt. I have not heard anything about it and no one has mentioned it, so I may just be imagining things or the Hawks have a good team or we are not as good as advertised. These could all be reasons why Pierce is not playing well.
Bill's Brain:
Pierce looks like he is hurt. He must be hurt because he is not playing as well as he usually does. Why is no one talking about this injury of his that has occurred? Come on, give us some mention of the injury that has occurred to Pierce! This is ridiculous! You would think if there was an injury to a key player, someone would say something. Why is no one talking about this? Let me mention this in my chat and not mention the possibility Atlanta is a good team. (Punches couch repeatedly)
Also, let's not call Pierce "PP" can we? I am not 8 years old, but that is kind of a dumb nickname.
Hater-meter: 10 (making shit up and not giving credit to another team)
Jake - Asbury Park, NJ: The South Park - Belichek is a cheater episode...please, your comments?
Bill Simmons: I loved it. Two Hall of Fame episodes back to back (with the other being the Canada on Strike episode). Whoops, we need a Doc question.
Canada on Strike was not a HoF episode. He lost all credibility here. How do I reach theez keedz?
Hater-meter: 1.
Beau (New Orleans): Did you see where Kenny Smith admitted on TNT that he may be talking to the Knicks about a front office position? I like Donnie Walsh (and Mark Jackson/Kenny Smith). However, Walsh is considering two guys with ZERO NBA coaching/front office experience to restore the NBA's marquee franchise? Your thoughts? It might just be crazy enough to work!
Bill Simmons: Come on, Kenny has experience - he just won the 2008 NBA Cares Celebrity Fantasy League!
Bill not only wanted to be General Manager of the Bucks but he also has never played basketball professionally, thereby making him even less qualified than Kenny Smith or Mark Jackson in my mind. Yet, he still makes a weak attempt to mock Kenny Smith. Simmonsologists see this everyday in Bill's behavior.
Hater-meter: 6.
Dazed & Confused: Can someone tell me why the Nuggets stink so bad? Two superstars - check. Great rebounder/shot blocker - check. Solid role players - check. Fat ugly coach - check.
Bill Simmons: Come on, the Nuggets had no heart all season. None of this was a surprise. When the going gets tough, they get going. In their defense, it's tough to get motivated to win a title when you've already broken the "Most tattooes on one team" record. How do you dip into the well and get fired up after that?
No heart means nothing and is not a statistic that can be measured, as we learn from David Eckstein, so don't use it as a reason. The correct answer is a lack of committment to defense. The joke about most tattoos is not funny and only attempts to cover up for the fact this answer is fucking pointless and stupid.
Hater-meter: 7.
James L, Whitby ON: Any NFL 2008 draft thoughts worth mentioning?
Bill Simmons: When the Pats picked Jerod Mayo, I called my Dad and he started to say something and I interrupted him and said, "Hold on a second, hold on... I hope we don't get a 15-yard penalty next year for... holding the Mayo. Sorry dad, it had to be done!"
He said "worth mentioning." That joke sucks and Jimmy Kimmel should have fired you instead of you "leaving." I am being serious, you should be executed for this joke. If I heard you say this joke, I would douse your Wes Welker jersey in gasoline, put it back on you and then set it on fire. Or you could do it and say, "I will now set myself on fire."
Hater-meter: 8.
Joppy (Newport Beach, CA): At what time either Sunday or Monday do you think the nerdy looking guy with the Hawks jersey on top of his dress shirt decided he had heard enough about this NBA thing in town and needed to be involved in the Hawks' run (after not watching one minute of hoops all season) and had his assistant find him floor seats?
Bill Simmons: You know it's a new bandwagon experience when the fans haven't even figured out that everyone should wear the same color shirt yet. I'd do the Levels of Bandwagon NBA Playoff Fans like this...
I am not going to subject you to a list like this. Let's just say the Celtics are not on there. I like how Boston fans act like they are more knowledgeable and devoted than any other team and in no way bandwagon. They may be able to name all the players on the current team but naming all the players 5 years ago would not happen.
Hater-meter: 4
Ted from Richmond: Dude, I just saw the E60 commercial on ESPN about you being in Vegas. You look like one of the vampire extras from The Lost Boys. Please tell me that was how you looked AFTER your 48-hour no-sleep-having gamblefest, not before. I'll bet your mom is worried about you.
Bill Simmons: Note to self: Don't stay out the night before drinking/gambling/smoking when you have to film a TV piece the next morning that's shown in HD.
He was gambling, drinking and smoking? He is so cool, not to mention, just like me. Why does Bill still think he is in the movie Swingers?
Hater-meter: 1.
Jason, Seattle, WA: Josh Howard played awful in Game 4. Do you think he would be better off smoking before Game 5 to relax his nerves? Or should he wait until the offseason (after the game in the locker room)?
Bill Simmons: What about a trade with Melo and Howard as the principles? Obviously Dallas would have to throw in more because Melo has more value than Howard, but wouldn't that make sense for both teams? Dallas gets a much needed scorer to team with Dirk - Denver gets a much-needed intangibles guy who doesn't care if he gets the ball and also has some good weed connections. Everyone wins.
The only problem with this trade is that Allen Iverson would flip out and kill someone. See, he went to Denver because they had another star who he could work well with. Another problem is that the Nuggets would be trading a very good player for a good player, which is the exact opposite of a trade's purpose. Also, how many tickets can you sell with Josh Howard as the main face of the franchise? Not many, that's how many. Milwaukee, my friends, you dodged a huge fucking bullet. You could be looking at a franchise that wins 45 games but has attendance in the hundreds of people per game. How long will it be before Bill realizes these trades don't work in real life?
Hater-meter: 7.
Pat (Pittsburgh, PA): What are the realistic chances of you returning to being a fan of the Bs next year and us actually getting hockey articles? The Habs/Bruins game 7 article didn't suck.
Bill Simmons: I think I figured out a loophole to get back in - I swore that I wouldn't follow them again until Jeremy Jacobs sold the team, but now that there's a salary cap, technically, every team has to spend the same amount of money. So there's no way he can screw us over by not spending enough money compared to the other contenders (like when Pittsburgh spent the extra money for Joey Mullen, Ron Francis, Bryan Trottier et all in '91 while we were still trotting out kids from the local Boston colleges as our 4th line).
OMFG, how much of a bandwagon fan is he? Can it get worse than to publicly proclaim you will never be a fan of a team until the owner leaves and then weasel your way out of it using the salary cap as an excuse? The salary cap has been in effect since 2005, but he was still a "hockey widow" up until the Bruins started winning again. Does it get any worse than this?
Hater-meter: 10.
Andrew (KC): If the Celtics were to lose to the Hawks, would it be a bigger disappointment then the Mavs choking last year against the Warriors?
Bill Simmons: Any scenario where the Celtics don't make the Finals is a huge disappointment - they have the most talented team in the East BY FAR and they won 66 games. Dallas lost to G-State because of the styles, because their coach panicked and because their best guy got psyched out. Boston has no excuse against Atlanta. None. They have a much better team.
No excuses except the coach is dragging the team down and Paul Pierce is injured. Right, Bill?
Tim (Hoboken, NJ): So, now that the B's are decent and have some promising young talent (lacking a legit netminder), you want to jump back on the bandwagon? Spare us...
Bill Simmons: No, I want to jump on the bandwagon because I could root for those young guys without worrying about them getting traded for 30 cents on the dollar and/or not getting help in the playoffs because the owner only wants to pay for a 12-man roster now that we have a salary cap.
Imagine if he had comments and the possibilities of reading things like this every day...
(20 minutes later) I love haters! I actually pissed my pants with joy when I read this. Bill's excuse is that he can't root for any team that is rebuilding or won't go spend extra money to get a better player, so he did not pay attention them. That is literally the definition of a bandwagon fan. Non-bandwagon fans sit through times when a team's players get arrested, when the best player's get traded and your team is not competing for a title every year. Somebody alert Bill, and I don't need a fucking ruling on this.
Hater-meter: 10,000.
Max (Boston, MA): If you love the Bruins so much why did you completely jinx them (just like the Patriots)? They had all the momentum and of course you had to write an article about them winning. Way to crash the bandwagon.
Bill Simmons: Not sure if you know this, but I don't have the power to jinx teams. I am not a witch doctor. That column was about getting sucked back into a sport that I had written off. I write about my life, and watching those Bruins games had become part of my life, so I wrote about it.
This is a rare occurrence even the most experienced Simmonsologist does not get to experience often. The reason for that is other than the handpicked "mailbag" we get, there is no feedback given on Bill. So what do we see when he gets questioned? Bill getting defensive, and his only defense is to be a fucking prick and contradict himself.
He talks about not wanting to jinx anything in his columns, so he makes no predictions or tries to reverse jinx something by choosing against his favorite team in an article. So he obviously believes in jinxing teams. Then, later in a chat, when someone accuses him of jinxing a team, he acts like the person is an idiot. After he treats the writer like a moron, he falls back on the standard, "I write like a fan and I am paid to write about my life, and I watched the games so I included them." Whereas, it should read, "I know nothing about sports and have very little knowledge overall, I get paid to combine sports and pop culture together...also I am a bandwagon fan and wanted to jump on ASAP."
Hater-meter: 1,000,000.
Chuck (LA, CA): Bill, do you just use Doc as your personal whipping boy when the Celts start to flounder? I mean who didn't see this coming...after digging into him all last season, then talking about him as a potential COY this year, then opening up this whole chat by throwing him back under the bus...why don't you ask your precious "MVP" for once why they can't beat a 37-win team?
Bill Simmons: He froze and he panicked. There's no other way to say it. We had 82 games to figure out the best 9 guys on this team and when they should play... and now it's Game 5 and nobody has any clue who the best 9 guys are because there's been so much overreacting and yanking around. That's not the coach's fault?
Bill Simmons: On top of that, when Cassell was ballhogging it in game 2 (in the first half, I think he took 20-footers on 8 of 9 consecutive possessions), Doc didn't nip that in the bud and you could tell it was taking the team out of what it was doing. Cassell has been a car crash in these playoffs and never should have sniffed Game 4 - on top of that, now Eddie House is sulking.
Bill Simmons: So yeah, I'm concerned.
Bill Simmons: Especially with Pierce banged up.
Remember "no excuses Simmons?" He is gone and in his place is "homerism, excuse filled Simmons." Oh, and Pierce is banged up, though there is no proof or record of this. But Bill Simmons knows, oh yeah, he knows.
This is all I can handle for one day. I will be back tomorrow-ish to finish off the shit filled chat.
