I was going to lay off Peter King today and let J.S. have the floor for his Chinese Democracy-esque promises to release an NFC Preview but I can't. In this MMQB-Tuesday Edition, which King Peter does because he does not want to interrupt half the useless drivel he puts in the MMQB edition with boring things like reader feedback and prefers to spice the MMQB up with stories of colonscopys and car rental stories, he is speaking directly to me. I think I am slowly losing my mind and think his columns are directed towards ME and I have to answer immediately.
The problem with preseason football, other than the fact it's preseason football, is you never have any idea what it means. Never.
Or Point G as I called it yesterday. I think you made this point and then contradicted it repeatedly. Apologizing for it?
Having said that, I am questioning all the love I've thrown the Browns way this off-season.
Nope, doing it again.
"Everyone knows there is no such thing as leprechauns and it is insane to believe this. That being said though, my daughter's fourth grade class did have green footprints on the walls."
It would impossible not to, after being in the house for the first 17 minutes -- which took about four days -- of Cleveland's preseason loss to the Giants here Monday.
"It would be impossible to believe leprechauns don't exist knowing this. I am Peter King and I make no sense. Let me tell you about the testicular cancer exam I had today!"
You know it IS possible to not turn your back on the Browns. You could think it is the preseason, which it is...so this would be easy to do.
A few things worry me about Cleveland now. The secondary, obviously.
I love how he glowed about Cleveland in the off season but never mentioned this until now. Holy shit, now he has problems after his prediction looks crappy. I and the rest of the world who have Internet access and can find team rosters could have noticed this two weeks ago. You know find the roster and I don't even have Internet access, I steal it from college students and then buy them beer in exchange, except that one prick who always starts his car from inside his apartment, he is sneaky and I will never buy him beer.
• From Jake Nichols, of Winston-Salem: "You're criticizing Jets fans for poor turnout? Don't preseason tickets cost the same as regular season? I can't get on anyone in this economy for not going to a game, let alone a preseason one. Who can afford it? Gas at $4 a gallon, bread at $2.25, milk at nearly $4 and you're going to razz people for not paying $50 bucks to sit in the nosebleeds and watch a guy for two series? Seriously?''
Exactly what I am thinking.
• From Steven Fishman, of Plainview, N.Y.: "Congratulations on writing the single most ridiculous point in all your years of MMQB. I am a season-ticket holder to the Jets. What stuns me is last week, you specifically wrote about how absurd it is for NFL teams to force fans to buy tickets to MEANINGLESS preseason games. Now you mock Jet fans because they don't want to travel two hours and give up a wonderful summer evening to sit in a football stadium and watch Brett Favre play two series of football in a game that means nothing?
Peter did say this last week in a column but it had nothing to do with Brett Favre, so now King Peter is riled up. It was only two series and it does seem kind of pointless to go if you have something better to do. I feel like Robert DeNiro in Goodfellas and I am just piling on at this point.
"A little bit. You insulted him a little bit. I heard things."
• From Patrick Alexander, of Chicago: "Not a Jets fan, but even if my team lined up Jesus, Confucious, Lao Tsu, Moses and Mohammed, I wouldn't show up to a lame preseason game.''
I am going on record right now as saying if this ever happens, I will be there. I will drive no matter how many miles it takes and watch Moses and Jesus play football. Obviously Patrick is a little upset Kyle Orton was named Bears starter because the opportunity to view Lao Tsu running a reverse is too awesome to pass up.
Okay. Here are my five responses:
1. I love the anger and the bitterness and the raw feelings. Shows you all care, which I appreciate, and I do appreciate your heavy response.
Translation: You are just normal people and I know Brett Favre because I am an NFL Insider. You can all go to Middle Class Hell. (Which is Des Moines, Iowa by the way)
2. Let's say in four years, when Kobe Bryant is considered one of the 10 best players of all time, he migrates to the Knicks in free agency, and the Knicks play their opening exhibition game at Madison Square Garden against the Wizards. You think there'd be an empty seat in the house? Dream on.
If Kobe Bryant was only playing half of the first quarter, then no one would show up. I guaran-freaking-tee it. This is not the same as Brett Favre and the Jets but way to be hyperbolic to distract others into thinking you have a point.
Also, Brett Favre is not one of the top 10 QBs of all time, much less one of the top 10 players, so this comparison sucks even more.
I will argue this point to anyone, everyone, anytime, anywhere. I will argue with Peter until low fat latte and lasagna comes out of his pores. Brett Favre is an all time great but not one of the top 10 QBs of all time. No matter how much you love him.
I don't care if he plays 14 snaps -- which he did -- or 40. If you're a real Jets fan, and you've got tickets, and you're not out of town, you'd be there.
I am a real "my favorite team" fan and have turned down tickets repeatedly to regular season games because sometimes it is better to watch the game on television and not worry about crowds and spending $10 for a beer. Also, it is a two hour drive to the stadium, which can be made during a Sunday for a real game, but for an exhibition seems kind of silly. Especially on a Saturday night, when there are plenty of other things going on.
3. The fans aren't doling out extra money to see this game. They've already paid for the tickets. We're talking about 45,000 season-ticket-holders who chose not to come to the game.
I really kind of agree with Peter that the fans should have shown up but he is absurdly confrontational about this. I doubt he would be this worked up if it was not Favre. He wants Favre to succeed in New York and will pretty much do anything in his journalistic power to make sure he does. Peter seriously has a personal stake in this.
Sorry. I've got a problem with that.
That is too confrontational. We are not talking about abortion rights, apartheid, or the fact the Chinese are Communist and everyone ignores this for two weeks. This is preseason football attendance. Isn't Peter getting a little too worked up over this?
4. And to Steve, the season-ticket-holder from Long Island: What's your level of devotion to this team, really, if you won't give up half of a Saturday to see Brett Favre quarterback your team on your home field with tickets you've already paid for, even if it's only for two series? Sorry. I don't get it.
This tone is out of hand in my opinion. When was the last time you think Peter King had to pay for a football game? He bitches about the price of motherfucking coffee and peanuts on a fucking airplane but he wants everyone to go to every football game they paid for to see his BFF Brett, and if you don't, then you are not a true fan. He is absurdly passionate on this. It is preseason football attendance. This part should have been dropped out of the column originally.
5. I take nothing back.
You are a self righteous prick who thinks he can tell others what to do with their time and money. They should go to the game to see their "new" QB, but if they don't want to, don't fuss like a little kid and call them out in your column.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
0 comments MMQB Review: Mannings, Red Sox, and Patriots Oh My!
I have learned to embed links. I was informed that not only do my posts have the characteristic grammar of a 5 year old with dyslexia but my lack of ability to embed a link was annoying to all readers. I will fix that, thanks J.S.
All you have to do is invoke the name Peter King and my wrath comes out. Do you like the Mannings, the Red Sox or the Patriots? No? Tough shit says King Peter, you get it anyway. I actually like Peyton Manning, but I always adore how Peter goes the extra mile for his favorite players to cover to find out information. Whether it is standing outside their hotel room door pretending to be a bell man, showing up at dinner time, or just generally stalking the player Peter King will get the story so he, and the rest of the world, can get the full story on the player, whether we want it or not.
Patriots, Red Sox, and Mannings Weekly Review
Manning wasn't going to practice that day.
It is one of the cloudiest injuries in sports? More than a knee injury of any type, a concussion, or a hamstring pull for a wide receiver? I am going to go ahead and say I have never heard of a bursa sac before Manning got his infected, so I am also going to say this is probably not one of the cloudiest injuries in sports just because Peyton Manning has it.
Manning has started every game in his 10-year career -- 160 in the regular season and 14 in the playoffs, second in NFL ironman-quarterback history to Brett Favre -- and the Indy QB told me a couple of years ago consecutive games mean a tremendous amount to him.
Favre! I knew a mention of him would come at some point on the first page.
The iron man streak is very impressive and all but let's get one thing straight as well, it involves several aspects other than a player's skill. Let's look at them to see how much luck could be involved and how much control the player has.
1. Player skill- The player has to be good enough to play and start for a team for a long time. - 100% control
2. Ability to stay away from major injuries- The player has to avoid major injuries that would involve him being on crutches, so unless you are Jeremy Shockey's ego, you can not prevent yourself from being injured nor cause an injury. - 25% control
3. Your Offensive Line- If you have a decent offensive line, then most often you will not be touched that often and can avoid major hits caused by a sack. A player also has to know when to get rid of the ball, which both Manning and Favre did well. Except when Favre was intentionally taking sacks so Michael Strahan could break the sack record or when he threw it away to the other team. - 35% control
Basically it is impressive but you also have to be lucky.
I am writing about it because I think there's a chance -- oh, maybe a 30, 35 percent chance if I had to guess -- that the removal of the infected bursa sac could prevent Manning from playing in the Colts' opening game against Chicago Sept. 7.
This is the justification of his crush. Kind of like a 14 year old girl explaining why she broke curfew to attend a party. So I guess we are going to see an injury diagnosis of every player that has a 30% chance of missing the first game of the year due to an injury?
Just to remind you. This had nothing to do with Peter King's crush on Peyton and Eli Manning. Zero. Zilch.
according to WebMD.com, the knee needs this sac to keep the areas around the bones in the area lubricated. Not that the removal of the sac injures the knee per se, but it takes away part of the liquid that keeps the knee lubricated.
He WebMD'd this shit. Seriously. I am going to start calling him King Peter M.D.
At the time of the injury, it was announced as a four-to-six-week injury. Today is the five-week anniversary of the surgery, and Manning practicing is not imminent.
This is the point where the Patriots would list him as Probable with an elbow injury like they do with Tom Brady. Blatant violations of the injured list is the only rule breaking problem I have with the Patriots these days. And the fact Tedy Bruschi is a douchebag, but he lives in New England, so that is a given and I can't hold that against him.
Dungy said he doesn't anticipate Manning missing the opener. But how would he know? He hasn't seen Manning practice.
You're a fucking liar Tony Dungy and King Peter M.D. just proved it! Good investigative work Peter, here is a cupcake.
Peter King should star in Diagnosis: Injury Report.
Everyone here says all the right things about Jim Sorgi. He's been preparing for this for five years, and he's learned under Manning and coordinator Tom Moore, and he knows what to do, and the players believe in him, and all that. But let's be real. He's a one-year college starter.
And you, stupid fucking Jim Sorgi who dared to back up Peyton Manning, are a no good shit spitting hack! A one year college starter? Tom Brady started in college for 13 years. Sorgi has been with the team for five years now? Steve Young was drafted as a 2 year old to back up Joe Montana and had to wait 26 years to start...and he wasn't even ready then.
Way to be real with us Peter, here is a doughnut from Dunkin' Donuts and an expresso latte.
The Bears are coming to town for the season opener, and they'll try to blitz Sorgi out of Lucas Oil Stadium.
Then Sorgi will start crying and it will be over right then. Inspired by a QB crying, that is not him, Kyle Orton will throw 250 TD passes and Brian Urlacher will post pictures of Sorgi crying and Manning's infected sac all over the Internet and no one will invite them to the Fall Dance at school. Way to figure that out Peter. Here is a piece of cake and a soy bean latte for your trouble.
Quote of the Week I
"I didn't have time to think. You don't have time to think when the ball's coming at you 100 miles an hour.''--Rookie Jets tight end Dustin Keller, on what he was thinking when Favre's first touchdown pass as a Jet was in the air, headed for Keller's hands in the end zone.
I have never heard Brett Favre throws hard. Good thing his arm was not sore after practice or else someone should suggest he let up a little.
Quote of the Week III
"We can't be the Patriots. The Patriots, they epitomize the whole team concept. Those guys are all about team and that's it. We're not them. We are a team that has a bunch of names, a bunch of personalities and a bunch of youth.''--Dallas linebacker Bradie James, to NBCSports.com's Tom Curran.
Does anyone else sense some sort of sarcasm in this quote? Neither did King Peter M.D. but I think Bradie James was mocking the Patroits, or at least I would like to think so.
Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week
Benard in North Dakota opens up an email to Peter right now in preparation for this.
I walk from the side door of the hotel, across the street from the Giants' training camp at the University at Albany (who calls a place the "University at'' something, by the way?), and begin to look for my car. I never remember where I park. And this morning, I forget what rental car I picked up in Boston for the drive to Foxboro and then to Albany. Then I think I remember: Pontiac Vibe. I look for the funky little car. Can't find it. I take the key fob and start pressing the door-open button, walking around the parking lot and wondering where the heck is the Pontiac Vibe. Finally I hear a faint "beep'' and walk toward it.
It's a red car. Can't be mine. Mine's a little Vibe. This is a two-door Ford Mustang. I look down at my Hertz key chain. Sure enough, "Ford Must 2DR,'' it says. Hmm. Now I remember: The Vibe was in Cincinnati/Indianapolis/Terre Haute earlier in the week. Thank God for the key fobs that make the cars beep now.
I have reduced the amount of time until we get to hear about Peter's prostate surgery and the color of his latest stool. It is going to be three more years and I think we may get to hear a little bit about bed sores if he gets to stay in the hospital at some point.
a. Just a hunch, but when Sean Payton saw the highlight on TV Thursday night of Leodis McKelvin of the Bills returning a kickoff 95 yards for a touchdown against Pittsburgh, I bet he had second thoughts about passing on McKelvin (the Saints loved him) and taking Sedrick Ellis in the first round last April.
Just remember this statement.
b. If I'm Mike Tomlin, I'm asking myself: Why can't Dennis Dixon be my No. 2 quarterback? At least until Charlie Batch comes back. That's no fifth-round-looking player. Dixon is poised and throws a zinger of a fastball.
If King Peter is Mike Tomlin then he should answer his own question with the fact Dennis Dixon is going to be a rookie and there is more to playing the QB position than throwing the ball fast and showing poise in the preseason. He would also tell himself, as Mike Tomlin, that as much as Byron Leftwich scares everyone as a potential starter, if an injury to Big Ben happens which QB would be better equipped to win a football game? That would be Leftwich. Which is the entire point of playing the game. This is not gymnastics where poise and playing a game with a shitty QB gets you extra points for difficulty.
c. You can't tell me the Titans are looking at Vince Young's game against Oakland -- he completed one of his last 10 throws -- without getting a little nervous.
You can't tell me you have ever watched Vince Young play and thought he could be a starting NFL QB, King Peter. He has looked lost as a passer ever since he got into the league and has showed no signs of this changing. Way to pick up on it though, here is some pumpkin pie and a five minutes "Alone Time" token with Brett Favre.
d. John Harbaugh says Troy Smith and Kyle Boller "have separated themselves'' from Joe Flacco. Looks like Smith over Boller for the starting job in the Baltimore opener from what I'm hearing. And why not? Boller continues to be frenetic. Smith's more of a calming presence, and he's got the respect of his defense.
Just remember this statement.
e. I know the state of Minnesota inhaled deeply when Tarvaris Jackson went down with a wrenched knee Saturday night in Baltimore, but if you bleed purple, ask yourself this question: Are you positive Jackson gives your team a better chance to win at Lambeau Field on opening night than Gus Frerotte?
THE Gus Frerotte? The man who banged his head against a brick wall and had to sit out the next week because he gave himself a concussion? Gus Frerotte who has been in the league long enough to remember Heath Shuler and when Trent Green played for the Redskins? I am not a Tavaris Jackson fan but I am going to go ahead and say yes Jackson is the best chance they have.
Just a statement that Green Bay, all jacked-up, might not be the best environment for a 25-year-old kid with 14 career starts.
They can just pull him from every game that involves any pressure or any road game! That is the sure way to a Super Bowl, which he would not play in because it is not a home game and is played in a high pressure environment.
f. Michael Turner played 10 minutes Saturday night against Indy and ran the ball four times for Atlanta. The carries: 52, 0, minus-2, 63. I still think you should not ignore my fantasy warning about Turner, who will be playing behind a porous offensive line.
Just remember this statement.
g. Jay Cutler completed his first 12 throws against Dallas. Matt Schaub hit on 12 of his first 14. The thing about preseason football is those could mean everything and those could mean nothing.
So points A-F you just made mean absolutely nothing?
So Sean Payton should not worry about choosing the wrong player in the draft, Dennis Dixon is not the best #2 QB for the Steelers, Vince Young's dookie throwing motion and ability is nothing to worry about, Troy Smith may not end up with the starting QB job, Tavaris Jackson should start in Green Bay, and we should ignore the advice on Michael Turner?
Or it could mean everything? So you are saying the preseason performance is not the best way to evaluate a player because the games mean nothing? What an insightful look at the preseason King Peter M.D. just gave us. He still felt the need to make suggestions in A-F, so it makes me wonder what the hell he is talking about.
We are going to call this "Point G" whenever Peter makes a prediction based on the preseason but also does cautions us later to not read too much into anything. If it does not mean anything then why does he keep mentioning preseason performances?
Favre was given diverse and daunting formations in the 20 plays he had to know for Saturday night, but no throw he made was a challenging deep ball. "I should be able to complete those,'' he said.
Brett Favre has nothing to do with this but Peter has to mention him.
So I wouldn't be feeling like you've got to think of changing your preseason opinion of Cutler or Schaub just yet.
But change it on Michael Turner based on the preseason? Got it, and you make no fucking sense. If you were a super hero your super ability would be to stalk the other super heroes and tell them meaningless facts, then fade into the sky whispering words that may or may not mean anything.
h. Chad Pennington did look good in a limited appearance against the Jags, compiling a nearly identical night to Favre (5-of-6 in three series to Favre's two), but the two most impressive Miamians on offense were Ricky Williams (10-for-43), who is working his way up Tony Sporano's hit chart, and backup QB Chad Henne, a workmanlike 17-of-26 with no turnovers in three quarters.
Point G. Chad Henne had a workmanlike 17-of-26? Did he wear a hard hat on his helmet and say inappropriate comments at the cheerleaders as he left the tunnel? What the hell does "workmanlike" mean?
He also felt the need to mention Favre again. His school boy crush is reaching high levels at this point.
i. Remember this name: Brandon London. He'll be on an NFL team this year. He's a free-agent Giant wideout from UMass, and when I watched him the other day, all I saw was a fearless, tall guy who caught everything in his zip code.
Point G.
2. I think John Lynch is a natural for the Patriots. I also think there's a good back-story to this one-year, $1.5 million deal. I like how Lynch, unlike a lot of veterans, eschewed more money and more playing opportunity to go to New England.
I only mention this because Peter creams all over the Patriots for three paragraphs after this talking about what a classy and wonderful organization they are. Which Patriots is he speaking of?
The one that lies constantly on injury reports, have been caught cheating by the NFL, had a player get picked up in the offseason as a NARC in a drug transaction because he had gotten busted with enough drugs to put him away for five years, and have a safety that was voted the dirtiest player in the NFL? The one that has a coach who cheated on his wife with a younger woman, has been accused of making players play when they have had concussions the previous week, and is barely gracious enough to shake the opposing coaches hand after every game?
That one?
3. I think when I see Michael Phelps give his quasi-goofy thrill-of-victory smile and aw-shucks look, I see a lot of the Eli Manning aw-shucks look. Giants fans, you know what I'm talking about.
Only the Giants fans who are female and have a crush on the way Eli/Michael smiles will know what you are talking about. Let me help you with a link where this could be relevant. Try this:
http://www.ladieshomejournal.com/
4. I think I don't want to hear what great fans the Jets have. Not for a long time. That crowd Saturday night was a disgrace. At least half the stadium was empty for Favre's debut in a Jets' uniform. I expressed my amazement to a few fellow scribes Saturday night -- emphasizing that N.Y. traded for an all-time-great quarterback, not a broken-down one -- and they gave varying reasons for the poor turnout. If you really love your team, and you have season tickets, you should have been at that game unless you were in Tibet. Ridiculous.
He really wrote this and I can't say enough about this.I will keep it short. King Peter is obviously very hurt the other fans don't share the love and enthusiasm he has for Brett Favre and thinks this is a massive slap in the face to Favre and God himself.
First, it is a preseason game so it does not matter if anyone is there. Second, Favre is not broken down but his arm has been hurting and he is 38, so he is pretty fucking close to broken down. Third, don't challenge the Jets fans love of their team just because your all time favorite player and fucking butt buddy got traded to the team and no one gives a shit. This is what Favre deserves from the fans, disdain and indifference, for the bullshit he pulled in Green Bay for even halfway pretending the return from retirement was about winning a Super Bowl and not enhancing his legacy and him just overall trying to get his way. Fuck him and fuck you for being such a baby about the Jets fans not caring. You know who else does not care about Brett fucking Favre? Everyone else in the free world. He is old and he doesn't deserve the red carpet treatment that you and every other journalist has ever given him.
Besides, as you said, it is the preseason so it does not really matter. Also, I agree that more Jets fans should have shown up. What do you expect from New York fans? Just like the Mets and Yankees, they just switch the hats they have when the other team is winning. Right now it is Giant Fever! Jets fans are losers.
b. I like how the IOC is vigilant about every petty little thing that comes across its desk, which it probably has to be. And then, when the world can see the Chinese have clearly and blatantly violated the rule that Olympic gymnasts must be at least 16, the IOC plays dumb.
This is the only thing in this column that has any sort of meaning to me. King Peter could not be more correct about this. The IOC has so many stupid and petty little rules but when a team is clearly violating a rule and lying about it, they stay out of it. Japan would never lie about it anyway, would they? Even if they did, the IOC would not check on it. I know everyone hates the United States but other countries, like Spain and Japan, get away with so much other shit we would apologize for 10 days for and eventually give a $1 billion dollar donation to charity to make it all right.
There were pedophiles who watched the Olympics who thought those Chinese gymnasts were too young.
h. Did you notice in one game last week -- Boston 19, Texas 17 -- that the Red Sox 2-3-4 hitters combined for 11 runs, 10 hits and 13 RBIs?
There are non Red Sox fans in the world. Go to a Red Sox message board if you want to be a cheerleader.
i. In that same game, in the first inning, David Ortiz hit two home runs and Kevin Youkilis struck out two times.
Fucking amazing. Way more amazing than anything else going on in the world. Here is a message board you can join:
www.sonsofsamhorn.net/index
j. There is one word to describe watching Daisuke Matsuzaka pitch a baseball game: excruciating. Or maybe two: excruciatingly rewarding. He's 14-2. He's also averaging 5.4 walks per nine innings. And he must lead the majors in three-ball counts. He started the first inning the other night with a walk and a 3-0 count. Then he shut out Texas for seven innings. Weird, weird pitcher.
All you have to do is invoke the name Peter King and my wrath comes out. Do you like the Mannings, the Red Sox or the Patriots? No? Tough shit says King Peter, you get it anyway. I actually like Peyton Manning, but I always adore how Peter goes the extra mile for his favorite players to cover to find out information. Whether it is standing outside their hotel room door pretending to be a bell man, showing up at dinner time, or just generally stalking the player Peter King will get the story so he, and the rest of the world, can get the full story on the player, whether we want it or not.
Patriots, Red Sox, and Mannings Weekly Review
Manning wasn't going to practice that day.
Because he is injured. I have heard this from ESPN frequently lately. Probably for the same reason they led off SportsCenter with Chad Johnson's injury, they have zero journalistic credibility and play favorites.
Rather, he has spent much of the summer getting treatment for his recovering left knee on his own --somewhere -- and, from what I hear, has been absolutely wearing out the physical therapist,
I certainly hope the PT is a female, not married, or at least a real human and not a blow up doll. What are we talking about again?
Manning had the infected bursa sac near his left knee removed July 14, and he hasn't practiced in the five weeks since. It is one of the cloudiest injuries in sports.
I need to be right, so remember I picked the Colts at 10-6.It is one of the cloudiest injuries in sports? More than a knee injury of any type, a concussion, or a hamstring pull for a wide receiver? I am going to go ahead and say I have never heard of a bursa sac before Manning got his infected, so I am also going to say this is probably not one of the cloudiest injuries in sports just because Peyton Manning has it.
Manning has started every game in his 10-year career -- 160 in the regular season and 14 in the playoffs, second in NFL ironman-quarterback history to Brett Favre -- and the Indy QB told me a couple of years ago consecutive games mean a tremendous amount to him.
Favre! I knew a mention of him would come at some point on the first page.
The iron man streak is very impressive and all but let's get one thing straight as well, it involves several aspects other than a player's skill. Let's look at them to see how much luck could be involved and how much control the player has.
1. Player skill- The player has to be good enough to play and start for a team for a long time. - 100% control
2. Ability to stay away from major injuries- The player has to avoid major injuries that would involve him being on crutches, so unless you are Jeremy Shockey's ego, you can not prevent yourself from being injured nor cause an injury. - 25% control
3. Your Offensive Line- If you have a decent offensive line, then most often you will not be touched that often and can avoid major hits caused by a sack. A player also has to know when to get rid of the ball, which both Manning and Favre did well. Except when Favre was intentionally taking sacks so Michael Strahan could break the sack record or when he threw it away to the other team. - 35% control
Basically it is impressive but you also have to be lucky.
I am writing about it because I think there's a chance -- oh, maybe a 30, 35 percent chance if I had to guess -- that the removal of the infected bursa sac could prevent Manning from playing in the Colts' opening game against Chicago Sept. 7.
This is the justification of his crush. Kind of like a 14 year old girl explaining why she broke curfew to attend a party. So I guess we are going to see an injury diagnosis of every player that has a 30% chance of missing the first game of the year due to an injury?
Just to remind you. This had nothing to do with Peter King's crush on Peyton and Eli Manning. Zero. Zilch.
according to WebMD.com, the knee needs this sac to keep the areas around the bones in the area lubricated. Not that the removal of the sac injures the knee per se, but it takes away part of the liquid that keeps the knee lubricated.
He WebMD'd this shit. Seriously. I am going to start calling him King Peter M.D.
At the time of the injury, it was announced as a four-to-six-week injury. Today is the five-week anniversary of the surgery, and Manning practicing is not imminent.
This is the point where the Patriots would list him as Probable with an elbow injury like they do with Tom Brady. Blatant violations of the injured list is the only rule breaking problem I have with the Patriots these days. And the fact Tedy Bruschi is a douchebag, but he lives in New England, so that is a given and I can't hold that against him.
Dungy said he doesn't anticipate Manning missing the opener. But how would he know? He hasn't seen Manning practice.
You're a fucking liar Tony Dungy and King Peter M.D. just proved it! Good investigative work Peter, here is a cupcake.
Peter King should star in Diagnosis: Injury Report.
Everyone here says all the right things about Jim Sorgi. He's been preparing for this for five years, and he's learned under Manning and coordinator Tom Moore, and he knows what to do, and the players believe in him, and all that. But let's be real. He's a one-year college starter.
And you, stupid fucking Jim Sorgi who dared to back up Peyton Manning, are a no good shit spitting hack! A one year college starter? Tom Brady started in college for 13 years. Sorgi has been with the team for five years now? Steve Young was drafted as a 2 year old to back up Joe Montana and had to wait 26 years to start...and he wasn't even ready then.
Way to be real with us Peter, here is a doughnut from Dunkin' Donuts and an expresso latte.
The Bears are coming to town for the season opener, and they'll try to blitz Sorgi out of Lucas Oil Stadium.
Then Sorgi will start crying and it will be over right then. Inspired by a QB crying, that is not him, Kyle Orton will throw 250 TD passes and Brian Urlacher will post pictures of Sorgi crying and Manning's infected sac all over the Internet and no one will invite them to the Fall Dance at school. Way to figure that out Peter. Here is a piece of cake and a soy bean latte for your trouble.
Quote of the Week I
"I didn't have time to think. You don't have time to think when the ball's coming at you 100 miles an hour.''--Rookie Jets tight end Dustin Keller, on what he was thinking when Favre's first touchdown pass as a Jet was in the air, headed for Keller's hands in the end zone.
I have never heard Brett Favre throws hard. Good thing his arm was not sore after practice or else someone should suggest he let up a little.
Quote of the Week III
"We can't be the Patriots. The Patriots, they epitomize the whole team concept. Those guys are all about team and that's it. We're not them. We are a team that has a bunch of names, a bunch of personalities and a bunch of youth.''--Dallas linebacker Bradie James, to NBCSports.com's Tom Curran.
Does anyone else sense some sort of sarcasm in this quote? Neither did King Peter M.D. but I think Bradie James was mocking the Patroits, or at least I would like to think so.
Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week
Benard in North Dakota opens up an email to Peter right now in preparation for this.
I walk from the side door of the hotel, across the street from the Giants' training camp at the University at Albany (who calls a place the "University at'' something, by the way?), and begin to look for my car. I never remember where I park. And this morning, I forget what rental car I picked up in Boston for the drive to Foxboro and then to Albany. Then I think I remember: Pontiac Vibe. I look for the funky little car. Can't find it. I take the key fob and start pressing the door-open button, walking around the parking lot and wondering where the heck is the Pontiac Vibe. Finally I hear a faint "beep'' and walk toward it.
It's a red car. Can't be mine. Mine's a little Vibe. This is a two-door Ford Mustang. I look down at my Hertz key chain. Sure enough, "Ford Must 2DR,'' it says. Hmm. Now I remember: The Vibe was in Cincinnati/Indianapolis/Terre Haute earlier in the week. Thank God for the key fobs that make the cars beep now.
I have reduced the amount of time until we get to hear about Peter's prostate surgery and the color of his latest stool. It is going to be three more years and I think we may get to hear a little bit about bed sores if he gets to stay in the hospital at some point.
a. Just a hunch, but when Sean Payton saw the highlight on TV Thursday night of Leodis McKelvin of the Bills returning a kickoff 95 yards for a touchdown against Pittsburgh, I bet he had second thoughts about passing on McKelvin (the Saints loved him) and taking Sedrick Ellis in the first round last April.
Just remember this statement.
b. If I'm Mike Tomlin, I'm asking myself: Why can't Dennis Dixon be my No. 2 quarterback? At least until Charlie Batch comes back. That's no fifth-round-looking player. Dixon is poised and throws a zinger of a fastball.
If King Peter is Mike Tomlin then he should answer his own question with the fact Dennis Dixon is going to be a rookie and there is more to playing the QB position than throwing the ball fast and showing poise in the preseason. He would also tell himself, as Mike Tomlin, that as much as Byron Leftwich scares everyone as a potential starter, if an injury to Big Ben happens which QB would be better equipped to win a football game? That would be Leftwich. Which is the entire point of playing the game. This is not gymnastics where poise and playing a game with a shitty QB gets you extra points for difficulty.
c. You can't tell me the Titans are looking at Vince Young's game against Oakland -- he completed one of his last 10 throws -- without getting a little nervous.
You can't tell me you have ever watched Vince Young play and thought he could be a starting NFL QB, King Peter. He has looked lost as a passer ever since he got into the league and has showed no signs of this changing. Way to pick up on it though, here is some pumpkin pie and a five minutes "Alone Time" token with Brett Favre.
d. John Harbaugh says Troy Smith and Kyle Boller "have separated themselves'' from Joe Flacco. Looks like Smith over Boller for the starting job in the Baltimore opener from what I'm hearing. And why not? Boller continues to be frenetic. Smith's more of a calming presence, and he's got the respect of his defense.
Just remember this statement.
e. I know the state of Minnesota inhaled deeply when Tarvaris Jackson went down with a wrenched knee Saturday night in Baltimore, but if you bleed purple, ask yourself this question: Are you positive Jackson gives your team a better chance to win at Lambeau Field on opening night than Gus Frerotte?
THE Gus Frerotte? The man who banged his head against a brick wall and had to sit out the next week because he gave himself a concussion? Gus Frerotte who has been in the league long enough to remember Heath Shuler and when Trent Green played for the Redskins? I am not a Tavaris Jackson fan but I am going to go ahead and say yes Jackson is the best chance they have.
Just a statement that Green Bay, all jacked-up, might not be the best environment for a 25-year-old kid with 14 career starts.
They can just pull him from every game that involves any pressure or any road game! That is the sure way to a Super Bowl, which he would not play in because it is not a home game and is played in a high pressure environment.
f. Michael Turner played 10 minutes Saturday night against Indy and ran the ball four times for Atlanta. The carries: 52, 0, minus-2, 63. I still think you should not ignore my fantasy warning about Turner, who will be playing behind a porous offensive line.
Just remember this statement.
g. Jay Cutler completed his first 12 throws against Dallas. Matt Schaub hit on 12 of his first 14. The thing about preseason football is those could mean everything and those could mean nothing.
So points A-F you just made mean absolutely nothing?
So Sean Payton should not worry about choosing the wrong player in the draft, Dennis Dixon is not the best #2 QB for the Steelers, Vince Young's dookie throwing motion and ability is nothing to worry about, Troy Smith may not end up with the starting QB job, Tavaris Jackson should start in Green Bay, and we should ignore the advice on Michael Turner?
Or it could mean everything? So you are saying the preseason performance is not the best way to evaluate a player because the games mean nothing? What an insightful look at the preseason King Peter M.D. just gave us. He still felt the need to make suggestions in A-F, so it makes me wonder what the hell he is talking about.
We are going to call this "Point G" whenever Peter makes a prediction based on the preseason but also does cautions us later to not read too much into anything. If it does not mean anything then why does he keep mentioning preseason performances?
Favre was given diverse and daunting formations in the 20 plays he had to know for Saturday night, but no throw he made was a challenging deep ball. "I should be able to complete those,'' he said.
Brett Favre has nothing to do with this but Peter has to mention him.
So I wouldn't be feeling like you've got to think of changing your preseason opinion of Cutler or Schaub just yet.
But change it on Michael Turner based on the preseason? Got it, and you make no fucking sense. If you were a super hero your super ability would be to stalk the other super heroes and tell them meaningless facts, then fade into the sky whispering words that may or may not mean anything.
h. Chad Pennington did look good in a limited appearance against the Jags, compiling a nearly identical night to Favre (5-of-6 in three series to Favre's two), but the two most impressive Miamians on offense were Ricky Williams (10-for-43), who is working his way up Tony Sporano's hit chart, and backup QB Chad Henne, a workmanlike 17-of-26 with no turnovers in three quarters.
Point G. Chad Henne had a workmanlike 17-of-26? Did he wear a hard hat on his helmet and say inappropriate comments at the cheerleaders as he left the tunnel? What the hell does "workmanlike" mean?
He also felt the need to mention Favre again. His school boy crush is reaching high levels at this point.
i. Remember this name: Brandon London. He'll be on an NFL team this year. He's a free-agent Giant wideout from UMass, and when I watched him the other day, all I saw was a fearless, tall guy who caught everything in his zip code.
Point G.
2. I think John Lynch is a natural for the Patriots. I also think there's a good back-story to this one-year, $1.5 million deal. I like how Lynch, unlike a lot of veterans, eschewed more money and more playing opportunity to go to New England.
I only mention this because Peter creams all over the Patriots for three paragraphs after this talking about what a classy and wonderful organization they are. Which Patriots is he speaking of?
The one that lies constantly on injury reports, have been caught cheating by the NFL, had a player get picked up in the offseason as a NARC in a drug transaction because he had gotten busted with enough drugs to put him away for five years, and have a safety that was voted the dirtiest player in the NFL? The one that has a coach who cheated on his wife with a younger woman, has been accused of making players play when they have had concussions the previous week, and is barely gracious enough to shake the opposing coaches hand after every game?
That one?
3. I think when I see Michael Phelps give his quasi-goofy thrill-of-victory smile and aw-shucks look, I see a lot of the Eli Manning aw-shucks look. Giants fans, you know what I'm talking about.
Only the Giants fans who are female and have a crush on the way Eli/Michael smiles will know what you are talking about. Let me help you with a link where this could be relevant. Try this:
http://www.ladieshomejournal.com/
4. I think I don't want to hear what great fans the Jets have. Not for a long time. That crowd Saturday night was a disgrace. At least half the stadium was empty for Favre's debut in a Jets' uniform. I expressed my amazement to a few fellow scribes Saturday night -- emphasizing that N.Y. traded for an all-time-great quarterback, not a broken-down one -- and they gave varying reasons for the poor turnout. If you really love your team, and you have season tickets, you should have been at that game unless you were in Tibet. Ridiculous.
He really wrote this and I can't say enough about this.I will keep it short. King Peter is obviously very hurt the other fans don't share the love and enthusiasm he has for Brett Favre and thinks this is a massive slap in the face to Favre and God himself.
First, it is a preseason game so it does not matter if anyone is there. Second, Favre is not broken down but his arm has been hurting and he is 38, so he is pretty fucking close to broken down. Third, don't challenge the Jets fans love of their team just because your all time favorite player and fucking butt buddy got traded to the team and no one gives a shit. This is what Favre deserves from the fans, disdain and indifference, for the bullshit he pulled in Green Bay for even halfway pretending the return from retirement was about winning a Super Bowl and not enhancing his legacy and him just overall trying to get his way. Fuck him and fuck you for being such a baby about the Jets fans not caring. You know who else does not care about Brett fucking Favre? Everyone else in the free world. He is old and he doesn't deserve the red carpet treatment that you and every other journalist has ever given him.
Besides, as you said, it is the preseason so it does not really matter. Also, I agree that more Jets fans should have shown up. What do you expect from New York fans? Just like the Mets and Yankees, they just switch the hats they have when the other team is winning. Right now it is Giant Fever! Jets fans are losers.
b. I like how the IOC is vigilant about every petty little thing that comes across its desk, which it probably has to be. And then, when the world can see the Chinese have clearly and blatantly violated the rule that Olympic gymnasts must be at least 16, the IOC plays dumb.
This is the only thing in this column that has any sort of meaning to me. King Peter could not be more correct about this. The IOC has so many stupid and petty little rules but when a team is clearly violating a rule and lying about it, they stay out of it. Japan would never lie about it anyway, would they? Even if they did, the IOC would not check on it. I know everyone hates the United States but other countries, like Spain and Japan, get away with so much other shit we would apologize for 10 days for and eventually give a $1 billion dollar donation to charity to make it all right.
There were pedophiles who watched the Olympics who thought those Chinese gymnasts were too young.
h. Did you notice in one game last week -- Boston 19, Texas 17 -- that the Red Sox 2-3-4 hitters combined for 11 runs, 10 hits and 13 RBIs?
There are non Red Sox fans in the world. Go to a Red Sox message board if you want to be a cheerleader.
i. In that same game, in the first inning, David Ortiz hit two home runs and Kevin Youkilis struck out two times.
Fucking amazing. Way more amazing than anything else going on in the world. Here is a message board you can join:
www.sonsofsamhorn.net/index
j. There is one word to describe watching Daisuke Matsuzaka pitch a baseball game: excruciating. Or maybe two: excruciatingly rewarding. He's 14-2. He's also averaging 5.4 walks per nine innings. And he must lead the majors in three-ball counts. He started the first inning the other night with a walk and a 3-0 count. Then he shut out Texas for seven innings. Weird, weird pitcher.
Holy shit, that is incredibly odd. Here is a place to discuss it so I don't have to read about your favorite baseball team:
I think Bill Simmons ghostwrites the end of this column.
n. So I see Gary Myers of the New York Daily News in the press box at the Meadowlands on Saturday night. He tells me the doctor about to give him a colonoscopy last year says to him, "Do you know Peter King?'' Myers says yes, and the doc proceeds to tell him what a kook I am for beginning the prep work for my bowel cleanout just before a two-hour-and-40-minute plane trip. You think that's the first time I've heard that one, doc?
I kid you not he wrote this. I need to start a national movement preventing him from telling us his stool color and size in three years. I am beaming with pride right now. My previous quotes on this issue:
"Remember less than ten years until we get to hear about the color and size of his latest stool. Again, I am just preparing you for a "Interesting Stool Sample of the Week" section."
"15 years from now King Peter is going to be telling everyone what color his latest bowel movement was and how parking spaces have decreased in size since he was younger. I just want to prepare everyone for this."
It's going to happen people, I just need everyone to be prepared. I am usually being an asshole when I say no one cares about something Peter writes, but seriously, no one cares about a colonoscopy you had. No one. Stop now.
Can YOU beat Peter King in fantasy football. Click here to find out.
I don't need to click on that button, based on Point G, I am going to say I could beat him in fantasy football. I just vomited thinking about Peter King getting a colonoscopy.
Friday, August 15, 2008
1 comments The Lonliest Sportswriter
OK, I understand our good friends Fire Jay Mariotti have covered this, and I have an NFC Preview to do, but I can't let this pass. I know Ben hates Page 2 darling Bill Simmons (I'm largely ambivalent, he makes me chuckle, but I totally understand the criticisms), and also Peter King. But what if the two joined forces? It would be King Robo-Simmons...or otherwise known as Gregg Easterbrook. And yes, he will be my pet columnist throughout the NFL season.
Splitsville: Dissecting Favre and the Packers
Actual quotation: "I don't want to be a distraction to the Packers." Brett Favre, July 26. Brutus also said he did not want to be a distraction to Julius Caesar. Et tu, Brette?
Pretentious Shakespeare reference...I've done it myself so I can hardly be too harsh on him here.
Now that Favrarama is finally over -- please, say it's over -- it's time to confront the real reason No. 4 is no longer a Packer: bureaucratic politics.
first things first, you are contributing to "Favrarama" by posting about it on a world reknowned website bot ok. More importantly, is this bureaucratic politics that big a deal or was it just giving the 13-3 offense some confidence in who was going to run the unit? I mean, I don't think they wanted a guy who five months prior had actually said he wasn't prepared to put in the necessary effort to be a starting NFL quarterback. They probably want the guy who was a first round pick and jumping out of his skin to get a chance with these guys. Whatever the case, the real reason is that Green Bay wanted stability and focus.
From a distance, it appeared irrational that Green Bay actively wanted to be rid of the leading performer in its history...
except he was 38 and had openly stated he wasn't prepared for the rigours of an NFL season, come on Gregg, this is a little more complex than you imply here.
Favre wanted Green Bay management to bow and scrape before him, and wanted the world to think he was the one calling the shots. There's never been a Bill Russell or Dave Cowens in the modern NFL, as player-coaching doesn't work in such a complex sport. It seems Favre longed to be seen as the first player/general manager.
Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, Curt Schilling et al.
For years, he has been lecturing Green Bay leadership in public about decisions regarding Randy Moss, Marco Rivera and others. When Favre appeared to hang up his cleats in March, Green Bay management made the decision to anoint Aaron Rodgers and add another prominent quarterback in the draft.
what possible choice did they have? You, Robo-Simmons, are implying that they made this "decision" which can be called into question. Me, representing basic logic, argues vehrmently that they had no real choice and they had to "anoint" Rodgers.
By demanding to come back, Favre was essentially saying to the world, "Another wrong management decision, what they should have done was spent the spring begging me to return."
um...I guess, maybe? Does anyone really, in their heart of hearts, believe Favre was plotting this out when he made his retirement speech? Even if you hate Favre, and I kinda do, this is a massive, massive stretch.
It's arguable this is indeed what Green Bay management should have done -- the Packers were more likely to have a strong season in 2008 with Favre than with Rodgers.
touch and go. Last season did ring a lot of "fluke", throwing like 55 times a game will never be a good long-term strategy in the NFL. Favre also had 18 INT in 2006 and is kind of old. I think this is a kind of debatable point to say the very least.
So long as Favre hung around, there was no way Murphy, Thompson or McCarthy would ever get credit for Green Bay accomplishments: it would be Favre, Favre, Favre in the media. Consider the possibilities grid created when Favre tearfully "retired" in March:
put on your crazy hats people...
Favre ends career; Packers have winning season. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy are praised as mega-geniuses for having a succession plan in place.
Favre ends career; Packers have losing season. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy off the hook. People say, "What did you expect after they lost Brett Favre?"
on a scale of 1-10, what do you think is Gregg Easterbrook's rating of Green Bay fan's intelligence? Minus 11? I mean, these guys do know there's more to a team than a QB? Surely yes. They might say "if Favre had never retired, we may well have had a better season", but they wouldn't say "what do you expect? I think 7-9 is fantastic considering!".
Once Favre started demanding a comeback, the possibilities became entirely negative from the standpoint of Green Bay management:
Green Bay agrees to whatever Favre wants. "Boy, what a bunch of wusses those guys running the Packers are."
Favre stays in Mississippi; Green Bay has winning season. Fans complain, "The year would have been so much more fun if those idiots running the team had brought Favre back."
at this point, power of attorney was taken from Gregg Easterbrook, deemed mentally unfit to run his finances, life, or tie his shoes.
That's right readers. Green Bay wins 11 games, goes to the NFC Championship game, say loses to Dallas, in that situation, Robo-Simmons prediction, based on his self acclaimed knowledge of fan bases, management and general NFL culture is that Green Bay fans will not only complain, but complain about a story that would have ended like 8 months ago.
I'm waiting for the Favre stays in Mississippi; Green Bay wins Superbowl, "we never wanted to win the Superbowl and Favre would have made sure we didn't". What planet is this dude on?
Favre stays in Mississippi, Packers have losing season. "The Packers are run by idiots!"
Favre traded to another team, plays well. "Idiots! Idiots!"
Gregg Easterbrooks subtlty, sophistication and respect for the Green Bay fans simply oozes out of his writing does it not?
Favre traded to another team, plays poorly. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy blamed; their disrespect to Favre is said to have caused him to end his storied career on a sour note.
puh-leeze! People will be like "you shouldn't have come back and finished on a high note last year, poor decision to taint a legacy ala Michael Jordan."
Favre returns to Packers; Green Bay has winning season. Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! That's all you hear from the national media. Green Bay management will be seen as fools for almost fouling up a Favre comeback -- in which Favre single-handedly won games, of course.
I still doubt this would be the reaction, but say it was, who gives a fuck? You all get massive pay rises and ejoy success! Oh, but you were sort of wrong about a decision eight months ago.
Yeah, big time losers.
Favre returns to Packers, Green Bay has losing season. "It's all their fault because of the way they treated him!"
who? Who would say this? Honestly, even if you are reaching for an argument this is still a reach. This is a reach for Tayshaun Prince (OH SNAP SON!).
In still more football news, Tuesday Morning Quarterback is back -- I'm back and I'm bad! Well, anyway, I'm back. With the resumption of the football artificial universe, TMQ returns to these pages through that Super Bowl thing you might have heard about. Block out Tuesday time on your day planner. This week, my annual offseason lowlights column.
OK, now this is the real reason I'm posting this. Bear in mind he hasn't posted for like, what, five months maybe? There was a draft, bunch of player movements, even a whole lot of off the field if that's your thing. There's a reason Ben and I don't post much about our lives here. You don't fucking care. And nor should you. We're all busy, this is a sports blog, you come here to se us post about sport, awesome.
Generally writers on the internet at least get this right. They write about sport, so even if they suck, they give it the good old college try. Egotistical they may be, but they at least respect the fact that you came for sporting analysis. Then, presumably, they go out after work and go out with their friends (even Jeff Pearlman has friends kids, play nice) and talk about their lives - like the rest of us.
Yes, I know Bill Simmons does talk about his kids, news, tabloid stuff and his now notorious father, but it's like 20% of the column, max.
Check.
This.
Out.
The Atlantic Monthly had Britney Spears on the cover...
The MV Artemis was grounded by a storm off France and ended up sitting on a beach...
Belgium's InBev brewing company bought Anheuser Busch, ending Budweiser's association with the American flag...
Senator Ted Stevens, former chair of the Senate Ethics Committee, was indicted on corruption charges...
Scientists from the University of Leicester in the United Kingdom used a high-powered radar dish in the Arctic Circle to beam a satirical Doritos ad into deep space...
and he's just warming up.
When G8 leaders met in July in Japan, in part to decry the rising price of grain and rice -- convening one day after U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, a G8 member, advised British citizens to buy less at the grocery store in order to economize...
Hollywood's best love story of the season -- the best old-fashioned romance a major studio has produced in years -- took place eight centuries in the future and involved mute robots...
Wall-E, G8 summit, Sen. Ted Stevens, Doritos ad, Budweiser. Play Easterbrook bingo at home! You and your friends write down three random topics and see if they are mentioned in this rambling, pathetic excuse for a column.
An Associated Press critic called "The Dark Knight," a movie of recycled comic-book clichés, "an epic that will leave you staggering." The Arizona Daily Star compared the film favorably to Michelangelo's "David."...
Delta Airlines announced that free frequent-flyer awards tickets will now cost $50 each...
A standing complaint about the Supreme Court is that, while the justices are always willing to say what's wrong, they often refuse to say what's right...
I had Supreme Court! Only the quality of apples today and prison escapees to go!
The EPA reduced the value of a human life, used to determine the cost-effectiveness of regulations, from $8.04 million to $7.22 million...
A Japanese lingerie company introduced a solar-powered bra...
In the presidential primaries, Mitt Romney spent $87 million to win 4.2 million votes -- $21 per vote...
The authority that runs the Washington, D.C., subway system announced an elevator "rehabilitation."...
Anybody could make a mistake about a first marriage. Maybe anybody could make a mistake about a second marriage. Christie Brinkley's position at her fourth divorce...
NASA's inspector general released a report saying Bush White House political hires toned down agency statements about global warming, to make the issue seem less important...
there's a NASA thing in every fucking one of this guy's columns.
Erwin Lutzer, pastor of the ultra-fundamentalist Moody Church of Chicago, said on Fox News that God sent the China earthquake to punish the Chinese government for persecuting Christians...
Leftover Draft Point No. 1: Every football pundit comments on who the teams took -- what about who they didn't take?
wait what? A football reference? Note he says "leftover", like it's some afterthought. Sorry for interrupting you Easterbrook, please, continue with the most boring column ever.
Peter Phillips, eldest grandson of Queen Elizabeth, married Autumn Kelly in a ceremony at Windsor Castle...
aaaand we're back on schedule.
TMQ dislikes movie disclaimers that warn of "action violence" or "sci-fi violence," suggesting these are, somehow, not "violence."...
The CBS affiliate in New York City, WCBS, censored from its Tony Awards coverage a song called "We Just Had Sex" from the musical "Passing Strange."...
Swimmer Amanda Beard posed nude for PETA, which declared she "might be the sexiest and most compassionate U.S. Olympic athlete of all time."...
A South Korean firm claimed it had cloned four pups of a Labrador retriever who has the ability to distinguish cancerous cells from normal cells by sniffing...
The San Francisco Chronicle ran a full-page ad showing a nearly naked David Beckham wearing Emporio Armani undershorts, the photo angled to emphasize the bulge of his crotch...
The Pentagon accidentally shipped four crates of nuclear bomb parts to Taiwan...
holy fucking shit can someone please get Gregg Easterbrook a girlfriend? Someone, anyone to talk to? Buy a puppy if needs be.
Speaking to the columnist E.J. Dionne, Barack Obama not only used but correctly pronounced the word "Niebuhrian," which means, "The thinking of Reinhold Niebuhr."...
Mayor Michael Bloomberg admitted that a reason there is so little legal street parking in New York City is the city has granted 142,000 free-parking placards to its employees...
I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Even reading just the first sentences is boring me to tears. How can I say this emphatically enough? There's just not a font big enough in the world.
I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
Thanks to the magic of Microsoft Word, I can tell you that this article is an astonishing 9,481 words long, a thesis. How many of those words are about football? I shit you not, 1,026. Less than 11%. There's some stuff on Arena Football which may bump it to 15-16%. And he does this every week...
Yeah, those sportswriters are definately better at this than us.
Splitsville: Dissecting Favre and the Packers
Actual quotation: "I don't want to be a distraction to the Packers." Brett Favre, July 26. Brutus also said he did not want to be a distraction to Julius Caesar. Et tu, Brette?
Pretentious Shakespeare reference...I've done it myself so I can hardly be too harsh on him here.
Now that Favrarama is finally over -- please, say it's over -- it's time to confront the real reason No. 4 is no longer a Packer: bureaucratic politics.
first things first, you are contributing to "Favrarama" by posting about it on a world reknowned website bot ok. More importantly, is this bureaucratic politics that big a deal or was it just giving the 13-3 offense some confidence in who was going to run the unit? I mean, I don't think they wanted a guy who five months prior had actually said he wasn't prepared to put in the necessary effort to be a starting NFL quarterback. They probably want the guy who was a first round pick and jumping out of his skin to get a chance with these guys. Whatever the case, the real reason is that Green Bay wanted stability and focus.
From a distance, it appeared irrational that Green Bay actively wanted to be rid of the leading performer in its history...
except he was 38 and had openly stated he wasn't prepared for the rigours of an NFL season, come on Gregg, this is a little more complex than you imply here.
Favre wanted Green Bay management to bow and scrape before him, and wanted the world to think he was the one calling the shots. There's never been a Bill Russell or Dave Cowens in the modern NFL, as player-coaching doesn't work in such a complex sport. It seems Favre longed to be seen as the first player/general manager.
Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, Curt Schilling et al.
Make your own list at home, fun for the whole family.
For years, he has been lecturing Green Bay leadership in public about decisions regarding Randy Moss, Marco Rivera and others. When Favre appeared to hang up his cleats in March, Green Bay management made the decision to anoint Aaron Rodgers and add another prominent quarterback in the draft.
what possible choice did they have? You, Robo-Simmons, are implying that they made this "decision" which can be called into question. Me, representing basic logic, argues vehrmently that they had no real choice and they had to "anoint" Rodgers.
By demanding to come back, Favre was essentially saying to the world, "Another wrong management decision, what they should have done was spent the spring begging me to return."
um...I guess, maybe? Does anyone really, in their heart of hearts, believe Favre was plotting this out when he made his retirement speech? Even if you hate Favre, and I kinda do, this is a massive, massive stretch.
It's arguable this is indeed what Green Bay management should have done -- the Packers were more likely to have a strong season in 2008 with Favre than with Rodgers.
touch and go. Last season did ring a lot of "fluke", throwing like 55 times a game will never be a good long-term strategy in the NFL. Favre also had 18 INT in 2006 and is kind of old. I think this is a kind of debatable point to say the very least.
So long as Favre hung around, there was no way Murphy, Thompson or McCarthy would ever get credit for Green Bay accomplishments: it would be Favre, Favre, Favre in the media. Consider the possibilities grid created when Favre tearfully "retired" in March:
put on your crazy hats people...
Favre ends career; Packers have winning season. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy are praised as mega-geniuses for having a succession plan in place.
Favre ends career; Packers have losing season. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy off the hook. People say, "What did you expect after they lost Brett Favre?"
on a scale of 1-10, what do you think is Gregg Easterbrook's rating of Green Bay fan's intelligence? Minus 11? I mean, these guys do know there's more to a team than a QB? Surely yes. They might say "if Favre had never retired, we may well have had a better season", but they wouldn't say "what do you expect? I think 7-9 is fantastic considering!".
Once Favre started demanding a comeback, the possibilities became entirely negative from the standpoint of Green Bay management:
Green Bay agrees to whatever Favre wants. "Boy, what a bunch of wusses those guys running the Packers are."
Favre stays in Mississippi; Green Bay has winning season. Fans complain, "The year would have been so much more fun if those idiots running the team had brought Favre back."
at this point, power of attorney was taken from Gregg Easterbrook, deemed mentally unfit to run his finances, life, or tie his shoes.
That's right readers. Green Bay wins 11 games, goes to the NFC Championship game, say loses to Dallas, in that situation, Robo-Simmons prediction, based on his self acclaimed knowledge of fan bases, management and general NFL culture is that Green Bay fans will not only complain, but complain about a story that would have ended like 8 months ago.
I'm waiting for the Favre stays in Mississippi; Green Bay wins Superbowl, "we never wanted to win the Superbowl and Favre would have made sure we didn't". What planet is this dude on?
Favre stays in Mississippi, Packers have losing season. "The Packers are run by idiots!"
Favre traded to another team, plays well. "Idiots! Idiots!"
Gregg Easterbrooks subtlty, sophistication and respect for the Green Bay fans simply oozes out of his writing does it not?
Favre traded to another team, plays poorly. Murphy, Thompson and McCarthy blamed; their disrespect to Favre is said to have caused him to end his storied career on a sour note.
puh-leeze! People will be like "you shouldn't have come back and finished on a high note last year, poor decision to taint a legacy ala Michael Jordan."
Favre returns to Packers; Green Bay has winning season. Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre! That's all you hear from the national media. Green Bay management will be seen as fools for almost fouling up a Favre comeback -- in which Favre single-handedly won games, of course.
I still doubt this would be the reaction, but say it was, who gives a fuck? You all get massive pay rises and ejoy success! Oh, but you were sort of wrong about a decision eight months ago.
Yeah, big time losers.
Favre returns to Packers, Green Bay has losing season. "It's all their fault because of the way they treated him!"
who? Who would say this? Honestly, even if you are reaching for an argument this is still a reach. This is a reach for Tayshaun Prince (OH SNAP SON!).
In still more football news, Tuesday Morning Quarterback is back -- I'm back and I'm bad! Well, anyway, I'm back. With the resumption of the football artificial universe, TMQ returns to these pages through that Super Bowl thing you might have heard about. Block out Tuesday time on your day planner. This week, my annual offseason lowlights column.
OK, now this is the real reason I'm posting this. Bear in mind he hasn't posted for like, what, five months maybe? There was a draft, bunch of player movements, even a whole lot of off the field if that's your thing. There's a reason Ben and I don't post much about our lives here. You don't fucking care. And nor should you. We're all busy, this is a sports blog, you come here to se us post about sport, awesome.
Generally writers on the internet at least get this right. They write about sport, so even if they suck, they give it the good old college try. Egotistical they may be, but they at least respect the fact that you came for sporting analysis. Then, presumably, they go out after work and go out with their friends (even Jeff Pearlman has friends kids, play nice) and talk about their lives - like the rest of us.
Yes, I know Bill Simmons does talk about his kids, news, tabloid stuff and his now notorious father, but it's like 20% of the column, max.
Check.
This.
Out.
The Atlantic Monthly had Britney Spears on the cover...
The MV Artemis was grounded by a storm off France and ended up sitting on a beach...
Belgium's InBev brewing company bought Anheuser Busch, ending Budweiser's association with the American flag...
Senator Ted Stevens, former chair of the Senate Ethics Committee, was indicted on corruption charges...
Scientists from the University of Leicester in the United Kingdom used a high-powered radar dish in the Arctic Circle to beam a satirical Doritos ad into deep space...
and he's just warming up.
When G8 leaders met in July in Japan, in part to decry the rising price of grain and rice -- convening one day after U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown, a G8 member, advised British citizens to buy less at the grocery store in order to economize...
Hollywood's best love story of the season -- the best old-fashioned romance a major studio has produced in years -- took place eight centuries in the future and involved mute robots...
Wall-E, G8 summit, Sen. Ted Stevens, Doritos ad, Budweiser. Play Easterbrook bingo at home! You and your friends write down three random topics and see if they are mentioned in this rambling, pathetic excuse for a column.
An Associated Press critic called "The Dark Knight," a movie of recycled comic-book clichés, "an epic that will leave you staggering." The Arizona Daily Star compared the film favorably to Michelangelo's "David."...
Delta Airlines announced that free frequent-flyer awards tickets will now cost $50 each...
A standing complaint about the Supreme Court is that, while the justices are always willing to say what's wrong, they often refuse to say what's right...
I had Supreme Court! Only the quality of apples today and prison escapees to go!
The EPA reduced the value of a human life, used to determine the cost-effectiveness of regulations, from $8.04 million to $7.22 million...
A Japanese lingerie company introduced a solar-powered bra...
In the presidential primaries, Mitt Romney spent $87 million to win 4.2 million votes -- $21 per vote...
The authority that runs the Washington, D.C., subway system announced an elevator "rehabilitation."...
Anybody could make a mistake about a first marriage. Maybe anybody could make a mistake about a second marriage. Christie Brinkley's position at her fourth divorce...
NASA's inspector general released a report saying Bush White House political hires toned down agency statements about global warming, to make the issue seem less important...
there's a NASA thing in every fucking one of this guy's columns.
Erwin Lutzer, pastor of the ultra-fundamentalist Moody Church of Chicago, said on Fox News that God sent the China earthquake to punish the Chinese government for persecuting Christians...
Leftover Draft Point No. 1: Every football pundit comments on who the teams took -- what about who they didn't take?
wait what? A football reference? Note he says "leftover", like it's some afterthought. Sorry for interrupting you Easterbrook, please, continue with the most boring column ever.
Peter Phillips, eldest grandson of Queen Elizabeth, married Autumn Kelly in a ceremony at Windsor Castle...
aaaand we're back on schedule.
TMQ dislikes movie disclaimers that warn of "action violence" or "sci-fi violence," suggesting these are, somehow, not "violence."...
The CBS affiliate in New York City, WCBS, censored from its Tony Awards coverage a song called "We Just Had Sex" from the musical "Passing Strange."...
Swimmer Amanda Beard posed nude for PETA, which declared she "might be the sexiest and most compassionate U.S. Olympic athlete of all time."...
A South Korean firm claimed it had cloned four pups of a Labrador retriever who has the ability to distinguish cancerous cells from normal cells by sniffing...
The San Francisco Chronicle ran a full-page ad showing a nearly naked David Beckham wearing Emporio Armani undershorts, the photo angled to emphasize the bulge of his crotch...
The Pentagon accidentally shipped four crates of nuclear bomb parts to Taiwan...
holy fucking shit can someone please get Gregg Easterbrook a girlfriend? Someone, anyone to talk to? Buy a puppy if needs be.
Speaking to the columnist E.J. Dionne, Barack Obama not only used but correctly pronounced the word "Niebuhrian," which means, "The thinking of Reinhold Niebuhr."...
Mayor Michael Bloomberg admitted that a reason there is so little legal street parking in New York City is the city has granted 142,000 free-parking placards to its employees...
I can't do this anymore. I just can't. Even reading just the first sentences is boring me to tears. How can I say this emphatically enough? There's just not a font big enough in the world.
I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
Thanks to the magic of Microsoft Word, I can tell you that this article is an astonishing 9,481 words long, a thesis. How many of those words are about football? I shit you not, 1,026. Less than 11%. There's some stuff on Arena Football which may bump it to 15-16%. And he does this every week...
Yeah, those sportswriters are definately better at this than us.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
4 comments AFC Preview: Now With Less Analysis and More Smart Assery!
Instead of the usual dissecting and mocking of articles, J.S. and I have determined we will do an NFL preview that will help everyone get ready for the new season. I am taking the AFC and he is taking the NFC. If this sucks, tell us, but most of all read through the entire post. Yes, it may take a few days but I think you will find one or two good points/jokes in here. Also, I have posted predicted records but they may not add up due to the fact the AFC teams are playing NFC teams and I did not get a chance to predict the record for the NFC teams.
Buffalo Bills
Offense: The two QB’s the coaching staff has a choice between are J.P. Losman and Trent Edwards. When those are your choices, you really have no choices. They have Marshawn Lynch at RB and if he can avoid running over any more pedestrians then he should have a pretty good year. So basically they are the Minnesota Vikings with a less mobile QB, a worse RB, and receivers that are a little more proven. Don't be too jealous of them. They were 30th in the NFL in offense last year and the only real way I see it getting any better is if Trent Edwards takes a step up this year, which I fully believe he is capable of doing. As part of the Bills “we must screw everything up” plan, LT Jason Peters is currently holding out of camp because he wants the last three years of his deal restructured. So, they have a second year QB who was shaky at times last year starting and a potential stud RB but are missing their best offensive lineman. It’s like having an ice cream cake but no knife to cut it. Or in Marshawn Lynch's case, a car but no one to run over and then you have to flee the scene on a scooter. I wish there had not been other stories going on so I could focus on Jason Peters but here is the deal. Peters had hernia surgery, has not told the team how he is doing on his recovery, and won’t report to camp because he wants more money and won’t respond to any attempts to reach him. I like to imagine this is how the conversation would go if he did respond to phone calls:
(Dick Jauren) "You feeling okay Jason?"
(Peters) “Sure Coach, I’m good."
(Dick Jauron) “How is the hernia?”
(Peters) “Oh, it’s great. Can I get more money now?”
Defense: Every year I look at the Buffalo Bills defense and think they should be really good. That is why the Bills defense is a problem for me. I look at the roster and see they are getting Paul Povlolosxskydidy back from injury, Donte Whitner will probably have a good year and I think Leodis McKelvin will make a great cornerback…in two to three years. I look at the roster and think they should be good, then look at the numbers and see the defense stinks. The defense was ranked 31st in the league last year. They look great on paper but have not been able to put up great numbers on defense since Thurman Thomas was last seen roaming the sidelines looking for his helmet. They seem like they could be good on paper this year and they have brought in Marcus Stroud to plug the middle, which he will do because he is fat. Unfortunately, that means the rest of the defense has to tackle, and therein lies the problem. I look at the roster and would love to have this as my defense, but then there is something that gets lost in actually playing the games, which is a definite drawback to winning games.
Final Report: I am actually going to have a hernia because I want so bad to put the Bills second in the division with a winning record. I have no idea why this defense was so bad last year, I look at the roster and think they should at least be middle of the pack. I look at each team this way: What have they done that would make things different for them this year than last year or what has changed? Unless you count hit and run accidents and holding out of training camp, which you get 0 fantasy points for, and a shockingly low zero touchdowns, nothing has really changed in my mind.
Team Record: 7-9
Miami Dolphins
Offense: Ronnie Brown is back from injury and Ricky Williams is no longer a pothead so they will run the ball pretty well. Ted Ginn Jr. is fast and Jake Long is tall and big, so whoever starts at QB is only going to get sacked predominantly from the right side. If this is sounding like a first grade book, then you know there is not much to talk about here. Anthony Fasano was a good pickup for coach Bill Parce---I mean Tony Soprano---I mean Tony Sparano, so all they need now is 3 more OL, a QB that can throw further than 10 yards and a #1 and #2 WR and I could see them being the 3rd best team in this division. As far as QB's go, I like Chad Pennington as a person. My grandmother knows his grandmother and swears he is a doll of a person. He also has an arm like a 5 year old. David Eckstein throws the ball harder than Pennington. All I hear is, “Who cares? He is accurate and is a team leader, people love him, blah blah blah.” All very true but he is accurate when throwing to Santana Moss, Jerricho Cotchery, and Lavernues Coles. Find them on this roster and get back to me. I am not counted among the Parcells fans in the world. I know he loves to groom QB’s but can’t any Cowboy fans think what might have been if Romo had been starting for two years instead of Vinny Testaverde and Quincy Carter? Same thing here. Henne and McCown have more arm strength and I think generally would benefit the team in the long run to have them starting. Parcells does not think long run because he will be back at ESPN in three years.
Defense: Traditionally Coach Parcells has let a veteran run the team at QB for a few years and then try to nudge along an understudy. Traditionally it has been Vinny Testaverde who was the veteran and he could afford to do this because he has some semblance of a defense already in place to help the process. I just don't see that here. Does a secondary of the Allen Brothers (Will and Jason), Yeremiah Bell (possibly the first African American Jew to play in the NFL), and Mike Lehan with a pass rush by Matt Roth and Vonnie Holliday scare you if you are an offensive coordinator? Only if you are the Miami Dolphins Offensive Coordinator. Also, since the Offensive Coordinator of the Dolphins is Dan Henning, whose best offensive play on third and long is a draw play, this is really saying a lot.
Final Report: Let's see. They are switching to a new defense, the 3-4, so the defense will probably not be able to keep opposing offenses off the field and they have an offense where Coach Parcells could run the single wing offense with Ted Ginn as the QB and Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown in the backfield and it would be the best chance for this team to score. It does not sound good. That being said, I think one of the 4 QB's will turn up to be semi-competent and they do have a running game, even if there will be 10 men in the box. I think by the 3rd year, or by the time Parcell quits and denies he wants another job and immediately takes another job, they should be good for 2nd place in the division. Not this year.
Team record: 4-12
New England
Offense: The first and only video game offense returns for another year. They'll still be great and score 40 points a game and probably don't even need that great of a defense, they can just outscore the opponents. Tom Brady is 31 by the way, not that this is a big deal, but he just seems a lot younger than that. The offensive line is the key here. Any QB is great when he has all day to sit back in the pocket and look for his receivers and Tom Brady is even more deadly when this happens. The whole Randy Moss thing is working out really well for them right now and he is not complaining, because he knows that he will get the ball a whole lot and run up some good numbers. The only thing this team did really poorly last year was protect badly in the Super Bowl when the Giants were able to get a pass rush on them. Even when the Giants were able to get a rush it seemed like the Patriots offense should have broken through and never did. I hate to be boring but I don't think this is changing. Unless the offensive line forgets how to block, the Pats are going to be just as good this year offensively as they were last year.
Defense: I am afraid to mock this team. This team won a Super Bowl with Troy Brown as a cornerback and I am still not sure how this occurred. So here goes...this team is not as stout in the middle as you would think but they were #10 in the NFL in stopping the run last year. I can't explain that because I would run the ball right at old ass Mike Vrabel and Tedy Bruschi. The current corners are Ellis Hobbs and Fernando Bryant. I am not kidding. This defense is getting old and as much as I love Bo Ruud and Shawn Crable, I just don’t see them as starters in the NFL, but of course Troy Brown should never have been a cornerback in the Super Bowl either. I did not see a single mock draft having Jerod Mayo going #10 in the draft, so for Patriot fans to be all giddy about him may be a little premature. Suck on that Simmons. Your Mayo is going to spoil.
Final Report: Here is what we are all going to have to deal with this year regarding the Patriots:
1. The really, really annoying bandwagon Patriot fans.
2. Another run at a perfect year followed by a Super Bowl victory.
3. Bill Simmons writing a poorly disguised puff piece every week on the Patriots and how some new mantra is helping them get the team chemistry needed to win every week.
4. The defense getting immense amounts of credit and me never having a clue how they are as good as they are.
All of this being said, the Patriots have had some good luck and one strong hit to Tom Brady or Randy Moss can make this team lose 5-6 games. It won’t happen though because God loves the New England area and the sports teams are all destined to be winners.
Team Record: 15-1 (I have no idea who they will lose to but I am leaning towards San Diego or Pittsburgh because they are the only teams that will be smart enough to play the Patriots the best way there is to beat them, which is run right at them)
New York Jets
Offense: Who has an old ass quarterback? J-E-T-S! Who has just moved up to second place in their division and are now in the hunt for a wild card berth in a best case scenario? J-E-T-S! Brett Favre is a major upgrade at QB for the Jets and I think it will be fun to see when he throws a last second interception that loses the game for the Jets. At that point, instead of Larry B. Plunkett from the Green Bay Herald and Times asking Brett Favre questions, he will have the NY Post, NY Times, and every other major New York publication questioning his decision making. It will either cement Brett’s reputation as one of the greatest QB’s in NFL history or cause him to sweat like a heroin addict in rehab. Either way, it should be fun to watch. The offensive line is improved on paper and if you believe in Thomas Jones then they should run the ball well. There are two big offensive questions that present themselves:
1. How is Brett Favre going to like his new receivers? It takes receivers a few years to warm up to Favre both as a person and as a quarterback, just ask Greg Jennings. They have a month and a half. I say it will happen though.
2. Is the offense going to be good enough to keep up with the revamped defense? I am not sure they are good enough and as great as Brett Favre is, out of the last three years he has had one above average season. He tends to hand out interceptions like they are condoms at a middle school.
Defense: The defense is definitely improved and I have seen first hand Kris Jenkins can eat away the offensive lines ability to block him. I have also seen him eat 32 cheeseburgers and pout about nothing in particular, so I guess it evens out. The best comparison for the Jets has always been the Patriots, with Mangenius having come from them as their defensive coordinator, but the linebackers have question marks galore for the Jets. Vernon Ghoulston was a DE in college and there were questions about his consistency prior to him being drafted and Calvin Pace is a B- overall LB at his absolute best. David Harris is the only one I feel confident in. In a 3-4, so much pressure is on the linebackers to blitz and stop the run, which I am not sure I trust them to do. I feel the same way about them I feel about buying a ShamWow. It seems like it would work but I am not sure it is for real and I can’t trust someone who has a New York accent and loves German manufacturing. If you have not seen those commercials, google them. “Besides yous spend twenty dahlahs a mahnth on papah’ towels anyways, you ah thrawhing yaw mahney away.” It is so god awful, I can't even mock it correctly.
Final Report: They are in the same division as the Patriots so go ahead and pencil them in for two losses. I think they will beat the teams they are supposed to beat and lose to the teams that actually are able to put pressure on Favre and put pressure on the defense. Billy Joel’s “Pressure” is going to be the mantra this year for them on both sides of the ball. And yes, I just made an early 80’s Billy Joel reference.
Team Record: 7-9
Pittsburgh
Offense: They love to run and that sets up the passing game. This is about as exciting as they get. They were 4th in the league in rushing last year and I don’t see that changing any this year, even if I am not as sure about the offensive line as I used to be. They will miss Alan Faneca. Ben Roethlisberger is a fan favorite because he is white and gritty, as seen by his inability to ride a motorcycle and avoid cars. He is only in his 5th year in the league and he is already pulling a Dan Marino and bitching about something the team does. Marino used to point at his receivers after an unsuccessful play and make a motion in the direction of the receiver at the route the receiver was supposed to run, like they were just free lancing out there, and then he would get really pissed at them. Nevermind he threw the fucking ball, it was all the receivers fault because he is Dan fucking Marino, God of all things passing. It’s a wonder he never won a Super Bowl. Anyway, Ben was complaining this year that he wanted taller receivers, which would make sense if he could not see over the offensive line but Ben is 6’5” so that should not be the problem. Granted, Jeremy Bloom is on the roster and could get a part as a Munchkin in the Wizard of Oz when it is on Broadway, but this was a stupid statement by Ben and Bloom is only getting the ball thrown to him if there is a grenade in it and he lost the hot potato contest. So the Steelers go out and listen to their QB and get Linus Sweed who is 6’5”. When Sweed runs the exact pattern he was supposed to and Roethlisberger throws his hands up after he gets intercepted throwing to him and starts berating him as he goes off the field, don’t say I did not warn you.
Defense: Another year, another great Pittsburgh defense. You can always count on the Steelers drafting and developing great LB’s, watching them become great stars and then being too cheap to resign these players. I love things you can count on. Of course you can also count on at least one or two replays in the playoffs that show the Pittsburgh defenders about 10 yards behind a receiver with the ball in the air. They will be in the top 5 in defense in the NFL again and lose in the playoffs to a team that can pick up their blitz. Boring. Troy Polamalu’s hair greatly disturbs me, even there is some sacred tradition I can’t remember that stops him from cutting it. If I am an offensive player, I am taking every chance I get to act like a 9 year old and yank his hair or I would even tackle him by it. It is just too tempting.
Final Report: Unless Rashard Mendenhall is a complete and outright bust, Melwelde Moore continues to use illegal drugs, and the defense completely falls apart for some unexplained reason, the Steelers are going to make the playoffs. The Steelers are really a boring team for me. You know what you are going to get.
Team Record: 12-4
Baltimore Ravens
Offense: How many opportunities has Kyle Boller gotten to be the starting QB of the Ravens? He pops up every year on the depth chart and every year he is good enough to back up the starter but not good enough to be the starter. You want Kyle Boller to be your back up but not starting games, I think that is in the Bible somewhere. It seems like the Ravens spend all their money on defense and want to draft offense but then forget to. The questions are not how quickly can Joe Flacco progress, is Troy Smith really going to try to play QB, or is there a way to get Kyle Boller off the roster, but the question really is who the hell are they all going to throw to other than Derrick Mason and Todd Heap? There is no one I personally would want catching passes for me, other than those two. Not to mention Jonathan Ogden retired, so they have to replace their left tackle as well. If this is management’s way of enticing Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs to re-sign after this year, it sucks. Willis McGahee has a lot of weight on this shoulders because nearly every other RB on this roster is a third down back or a platoon back at their best.
Defense: Every year you hear Ray Lewis has lost a step and every year he proves someone wrong. The Ravens defense gave up 24 points/game last year. That is not going to get it done this year, especially with the offense struggling like it probably will. I am not going to be one of those people to count out the Ravens this year on the defensive side of the ball because I am superstitious in that way. I can feel a bad combination of a lousy offense and an aging defense that I think does not bode well for this team. They have a great D-Line in Gregg, Ngata, and Trevor Pryce, but it seems like injuries and old age tend to accumulate rapidly and I think the corners of Samari Rolle and Chris McAllister can not be counted on as much anymore and they will end up depending on Ed Reed for run support too much. The Ravens this year are playing blackjack with a hand of 16 and want the dealer to hit them. We’ll see.
Final Report: I give no credit to the Ravens offense and I don’t think in this division that contains Pittsburgh and Cincinnati the Ravens will be able to keep up as much anymore. The team’s success depends on how much the offense can get done and if the defense can hold teams to 17 points per game. The Ravens have not fallen off by that much, I think the rest of the division is just catching up faster.
Team Record: 5-11
Cincinnati Bengals
Offense: This offense is always going to put points on the board. Even if Rudi Johnson has his annual injury, they have proven they can run the ball without him with Kenny Watson and Chris Perry. If Carson Palmer stays healthy and he is the only Palmer, not Jordan, throwing to Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, then there should be nothing wrong with this team offensively. I would like to see them get an impact tight end, and maybe Ben Utecht can be that for them, but otherwise only unforeseen injuries and Chad Johnson acting like an ass are going to derail this offensive train.
Defense: This is the problem and will continue to be so. For a defensive coach Marvin Lewis sure can’t find a good defense. I think it is some disease he inherited from Brian Billick who was an offensive genius at Minnesota until he did not have a good QB, RB, or WR’s. I guess if you take away Ray Lewis, it is hard to look like a genius. It’s not like they don’t try. They have drafted Keith Rivers, Odell Thurman, David Pollack, Johnathan Joseph and Leon Hall over the past couple years in either the first or second round. It has been a wonderful mixture of bad luck and players getting arrested, which always seems to happen to the Bengals. It is hard to find a good linebacker who either doesn’t have a broken neck or four felonious counts of assault against him. I am not sure a single Bengal was arrested over the summer for rape or any other violent crime, so that is a step in the right direction. If I really have to analyze them, I will do it this way: The DE are below average, the linebackers are average, the corners are young, and the safeties are the very meaning of average.
Final Report: The best thing this team can do is start over. I think Marvin Lewis is a good coach but this is going to be a tug of war between the defense and the offense for the next couple years unless something changes. I think Marvin Lewis would have looked good in Baltimore where he could have had his pacifier and blanket in Ray Lewis and a different coach needs to come to Cincinnati. This is a team that is going nowhere because the defense won’t let it and meanwhile the offense is getting older and more impatient for the defense to get their shit together.
Team Record: 8-8
Cleveland Browns
Offense: I liked Derek Anderson coming out of college at Oregon State, so it did not shock me that he was a productive QB last year. It did shock me that he was as good as he was though. I am going to assume it was not a one year thing and say he will have a comparable year. Otherwise we would have to discuss the idea of Ms. Brady Quinn starting and that would take a little bit of time to talk about. I hope Brady loves the wonderful deal his agent got him by the way, I bet he has lots of time thinking about it while he sits on the bench and thinks about any playing time incentives he might be missing. Holding out as a rookie is stupid and there is nothing to be gained from it. You just miss time you need to become a better player and most likely there is someone who can do your job just as well as you. Dumb. Now that Jamal Lewis has completed his “I had one more good year left in me” tour, I look for his numbers to fall a little bit, which makes the starting running back…Jerome Harrison. Let the celebration begin! We all know Kellen Winslow Jr. is a motherfucking soldier and Braylon Edwards has started getting some nationwide recognition, including a mention in Peter King’s latest MMQB in the “coffeenerdness” section, which can only bode well for him.
Defense: I want everyone to try and venture a guess at what position in total defense the Cleveland Browns were last year. Remember, they have Romeo Crennel, a brilliant defensive coach on their side AND Willie McGinest, even though he is in a rocking chair. The answer is 30th in total defense. They gave up 360 yards per game and could not stop the run at all. So they go out and sign Corey Williams, who has never played in the 3-4 and Shaun Rogers, who ate his way out of Detroit. They were good risks but don’t they call them risks for nothing. The two young LB Kamerion Wimberly and D’Quell Jackson are a strength for this team. The two safeties, Brodney Pool and Sean Jones actually play the same position and were both second round picks, so the team feels the need to play them both. Also, Brandon McDonald is currently the starting corner for Cleveland. I am sure his mom did not even know he played in the NFL, if that tells you anything. I would expect the defense to be markedly better but anyone who has deep and abiding faith in the secondary needs to go seek mental help.
Final Report: I think they are good enough to win 10 games again this year, I just don’t believe they will. I think they will stop the run sufficiently this year but I still wonder why Romeo Crennel is a defensive coach and they don’t have a great defense as of yet. I actually think the offense is going to lag a little bit behind the pace from last year but the defense will step it up to make more plays.
Team Record: 9-7
Houston Texans
Offense: They should start a Survivors of David Carr as Your Favorite Team’s Quarterback Fund. I believe every team should have to have David Carr on its roster for at least half a season to experience the pain he can bring a person. The Texans have survived well though. The Texans still have a QB problem. They should start the best QB on the roster and if Sage Rosenfels is that person then he should start. The problem is that then Matt Schaub was outplayed by Sage Rosenfels and that will probably hurt his ego for the rest of his career and he will never be right again. Of course he was stuck behind the human hype machine Mike Vick and seems to be alright, so maybe he can make it through anything. I guess getting beaten by Sage Rosenfels is not as bad as being the second best QB on a roster where the starter throws 80 mph one hopper throws and has the accuracy of a drunken crack addict. The biggest competition I can see on the roster is between Ahman Green and Chris Brown to see who can accumulate the most injuries through a season. I have my money on Chris Brown, he is unstoppable in the injury department. I think he actually sat out 8 games last year with a broken leg that was never broken. It’s good to see the first year the Texans were in existence was 2002 and they are still looking for a decent left tackle. Take your time boys, don’t want to rush anything.
Defense: Mario Williams has to feel incredibly vindicated. Not only he is a better football player than Reggie Bush, it is not even close at this point. Williams is only 23 and already one of the best at his position and Bush…is…a great 3rd down back? The Texans actually have a pretty solid defensive line and the LBs are good as well with Morlon Greenwood and DeMeco Ryans bucking Houston Texan tradition and actually tackling the opposing team’s football players. Dunta
Robinson is in his 5th year in the league and he is projected to be a good player by his 10th year, so look out for that. Jacque Reeves is the other cornerback. They are not kidding either, I double checked this and even called the Texans practice facility and spoke to a nervous young lad named Brian who confirmed Jacque Reeves was not a fake name nor had he ever been on National Geographic searching for animals in the deep of the ocean. Will Demps is the safety, as is C.C. Brown, who is so embarrassed about his play he does not even want anyone to know his name.
Final Report: The offense is still not good enough to beat Jacksonville or Indianapolis, even though the defense is catching up quickly. They have Andre Johnson and Kevin Walter as receivers, and you can definitely do better, but the running game scares me the most. Unless Matt Schaub knows how to run the spread option, Steve Slaton will be useless after Ahman Green and Chris Brown get injured. If am Mario Williams, I demand a trade to the Saints to rub it in Reggie Bush’s face everyday in practice how good I am.
Team Record: 6-10
Indianapolis Colts
Offense: If Peyton Manning’s bursted sac survives the season, the Colts will as well. I am not ready for the Jim Sorgi era. They are very deep at RB this year, which should prevent any problems if there happens to be an injury or if the Raiders ever catch up with Dominic Rhodes for stealing all that free agent money last year. This offense is going to be great again and now they have suddenly found Anthony Gonzalez as the 3rd receiver, which sucks if you hate the Colts and their constant ability to find quality receivers. Anthony Gonzalez is such a mystery to me though. Is he Hispanic, White, African American? I need to label him ASAP so I hope I figure this out soon. I never heard anything else about this but did Marvin Harrison actually put a cap in somebody's ass this offseason?
Defense: They still look good up front, though any Dwight Freeney injury is never a good thing. You can’t base everything on name recognition but I just take it as a bad sign when I have never heard of all but one of your team’s linebackers. I usually keep in pretty good touch with the whole football thing. Teams ran all over the Colts last year, they were 15th in the NFL in stopping the rush but they were second in ypg allowed through passing. They rely on Bob Sanders so much for run support and he is so injury prone it is hard to see how they may stop anyone when he is out of there.
Final Report: One year the Colts are going to relinquish the hold they have on the AFC South, (even though they are in the North of the United States) and I think this is going to be the year. I don’t think the offense is going to be the main problem but I can see a passing game that relies so much on timing to be a little rusty when Marvin Harrison has not played in a while. The defense will be above average but I don’t trust Bob Sanders to stay healthy and I don’t trust the team to stop the run without him. So yes, I am predicting injuries. Kiss my ass.
Team Record: 10-6
Jacksonville Jaguars
Offense: We can all breathe a sign of relief the Byron Leftwich Era is over in Jacksonville. I am not sure what else, besides stand on his head and save a baby from a burning building, David Garrard could have done to deserve the starting job. I have a rule against betting against Fred Taylor, and even if he does go down, I think a lot of Chauncey Washington. I think more of him than I do any other 3rd string running back in the world. That says a lot. Jerry Porter is as underrated as any receiver who has a horrendous attitude can be and Troy Williamson needs to opportunity to have QB that has a clue throwing the ball to him. Sorry, Tavaris Jackson, Brooks Bollinger and Brad Johnson don't cut it for me. Call me picky. Matt Jones is a sad story. I hear you can find him after every practice on the ground attempting to sniff the white line markings and out of bounds markings up with his nose. Cocaine is a motherfucker. On a positive note, this should really help his breakaway speed and I have learned from "Cops" it is hard to catch a coke head. So look for him to have a break out year. The Tight End's name is Mercedes Lewis. What are the odds he is Matt Jones' dealer? He went to UCLA and is named Mercedes. Sounds like it to me.
Defense: Derrick Harvey is about to get his roster spot stolen by Quentin Groves, mark my words. Harvey will come to terms in a few weeks and next thing he knows Groves will be the starter and not relinquish it. Groves has first round talent and all he needs is a chance to show it. Maybe Harvey and Brady Quinn can start a support group for dumbasses who think they are so important a team can not go on without them, then the team ends up replacing them permanently. That would be a long support group name but I think it could work. I L-O-V-E the Jaguars defense. They were middle of the pack last year but I think they are going to have a great year and they have the pass rush and the secondary to make other team's life difficult.
Final Report: I never bet against Peyton Manning or the Colts but I think this is the year I break my rule. Jacksonville finally has stability at QB, a great running game and receivers that have the potential to keep the defense honest. The defense is stout and they are not going to be afraid of the Colts and Patriots. Of course, the fans in Jacksonville will probably fill the stadium to 50% of capacity so there will be no homefield advantage, but that is a different story.
Team Record: 12-4
Tennessee
Offense: What is there to not like in a team that has a running back who could weigh an estimated 250 pounds, the QB throws the ball like he is flinging dog crap off of his hand when he is not showing up on the Internet shirtless at a party, and Kerry Collins is the person who is supposed to provide veteran leadership? That has all the makings of a great team. Vince Young is not a good quarterback, I am going to go ahead and get this off my chest. The three headed (and four chinned) monster at running back of Chris Johnson, Chris Henry and LenDale White is going to take a lot of pressure off Vince Young. Unfortunately, Young also thinks he is a running back and he gets credit for his running skills and everyone ignores his 9-17 TD:INT ratio and the fact he can't make all the throws a normal QB would make. The Titans also have 4 #3 receivers on the roster, which is advantageous because one of those four have to be named the #3 receiver but is a problem when you don't have a good QB who can get the ball to these receivers. It is actually smart for the front office to not pay for any good receivers, it would just be good money wasted.
Defense: This is where the Titans should and will get some credit. The Titans have a strong defense and an even stronger offensive line. Sure they may step on people's heads and there is a good chance it is not the year 2000, so Jevon Kearse is not going to be of any use, but they are physical and can stop the run and the pass. I am still not a big Nick Harper fan and believe if the Colts get rid of a cornerback, then you definitely don't want that player (See: David, Jason). Michael Griffin is going to be the Kool Aid man this year and bust through. Pop culture reference! The defense is really actually boring but they are good and make up for the fact the offense is going to sputter on every single third and long.
Final Report: Tennessee is unlucky they have to play in the same division as the Colts and Jags. The Titans are good enough to beat a lot of teams but not good enough to beat a good team. Contain Vince Young and force him to fling the ball awkwardly around the field and they are beat. The running game is going to be the key for the Titans because the only way they will be able to move the ball through the air is when Vince Young gets flushed out of the pocket or throws a 5 yard out. Young and JaMarcus Russell are going to compete all year to see which QB can throw more balls 5 yards over a receivers head. I say the first person to bounce a screen pass should be declared the "Shittiest QB" winner.
Team Record: 7-9
Denver Broncos
Offense: Mike Shanahan in the past couple of years has loved two different types of players: underachievers and players who have had personal problems in the past. He also wants everyone to know all of his running backs are expendable. Unfortunately what happens is you end up with a team that has no name running backs and underachieving players with personal problems. The #1 receiver, Brandon Marshall injured his knee walking over McDonald's wrappers, somehow Keary Colbert is on the roster, and the #1 running back is Selvin Young. None of those are really positive things. Overall I have learned two things: First, never underestimate Mike Shanahan and second, he really has very little clue of what he is doing but it all seems to work out. As long as the OL continues to open holes, 1,000 yard rushers are spit out like they are on an assembly line and Jay Cutler continues to progress as a QB, the Broncos are going to have a good offense. Also, Brandon Marshall needs to stick to eating Burger King.
Defense: This is where the turd fest reached new and even more successful heights in the past. Like most turds, they have been flushed, but it took a few too many experiments by Shanahan. In a division with Larry Johnson, LaDanian Tomlinson, and Darren McFadden being 31st in rushing defense is going to be a killer. I look at the defensive line and it is competing for more backups in starting positions than any other team except the Kansas City Royals baseball team. Baseball reference! The real question is how many beers will it take before a Broncos fan will actually believe the defense can stop anyone? I would say at this point the person would black out or get alcohol poisoning. John Lynch left the team because he said they did not have a plan for him anymore but with a secondary that has Marquand Manuel and Marlon McCree in it, the Broncos should take Ronnie Lott if he wanted to play.
Final Report: The Broncos are not an untalented squad, they still have Champ Bailey and they will find another 1,000 yard rusher somewhere on this roster or another roster. The questions are the defense and how well the offensive line can protect Cutler to get the ball to the no name receivers? Mike Shanahan is slightly overrated as a coach. He did a great job in winning back to back Super Bowls but he has very little clue on how to build a defense and his personnel decisions are beyond questionable.
Team record: 9-7
Kansas City
Offense: How odd is it that Larry Johnson gets a huge contract and then immediately has his worst year as a starter? That never happens, you except with Shaun Alexander and every other running back in the history of the NFL. How bad is Brodie Croyle? He has made Damon Huard seem to be a viable starting quarterback and Tyler Thigpen could also possibly be in the running as the starter. That's not good. Croyle was not very good at Alabama and he is not going to be very good in the immediate future either. It does not help the offensive line has gone from a Who's Who of talented All Pro lineman to a group that lacks talent. It always make me nervous when a rookie is counted on his first year to help anchor an offensive line. It is going to be sad to watch Dwayne Bowe running 15 yard deep patterns and having Croyle skip the ball to him on the ground like he is skipping rocks on a lake. I think Herman Edwards agreed to do Hard Knocks last year so the rest of the football world could see the shit situation he was in and possibly give him some ideas on what the hell to do.
Defense: The only real question about Glenn Dorsey in college was injury concerns. What has he done since being drafted? Nothing, he has been injured. Great. If Dorsey is able to be healthy this year, the defense has a real chance to be a top 10 defense, which will take the pressure off the offense. Gunther Cunningham is possibly the worst head coach in the history of Kansas City but he is good at being a defensive coordinator and will get the best out of every defensive player. I love speaking in cliches. I bet the defense will give 110% this year and take it to the next level, but most of all just take it one game at a time. I am just happy Johnny Dingle is on the roster this year, he has one of my favorite names.
Final Report: Larry Johnson is going to be facing 10 men in the box this year and since he has shown little fight over the past year to break tackles, he will probably gain 500 yards on 400 carries this year. The Chiefs have to find a quarterback, not drafting one was a risky move but they believe in Brodie Croyle, or they are just insane. Knowing Herman Edwards, I say insane.
Team record: 4-12
Oakland
Offense: Are you a physical speciman? Do you have little to no football skills? Have you never heard of football? Then Al Davis wants you. Darren McFadden fumbed 27 times in college, so that bodes very badly for the team, but he is fast so that more than makes up for it in Al Davis' eyes. They need to practice those fumble recovery drills. I truly believe Michael Bush is either the best or second best RB on this roster and he needs to get more touches. JaMarcus Russell has a laser for an arm, no longer weighs 280 pounds, and hopefully will get an opportunity this year to play without getting yanked from the game. He is going to be very fun to mock. If you get tickets to a Raiders game, I would warn you to not sit behind the end zone in the first 30 rows. If Russell tries to throw a five yard slant, he could very well miss and kill you with a football. Does he necessarily have any football skill? Hell no, fuck that, but he looks good playing poorly and that is all that matters. I give it two years before DMac and JaMarcus run away from the team and start a Los Angeles street gang. I would rather do that then play for this clueless team. The initiation would be to kick Javon Walker's ass everytime he leaves the hotel room.
Defense: Remember when everyone would say the Raiders had a good defense and they just needed a good offense? Not anymore. Along with drafting physical specimens and low character players, Al Davis also believes if you can't find a defensive player to play for your team, overpay the ones you got. Tommy Kelly thanks them for this. DeAngelo Hall is going to compete all year with Gerard Warren for worst locker room influence. I have my money on Hall. Anytime you lose your temper in argument with Steve Smith, and Steve Smith keeps his, you know you have temper problems. Apparently the Raiders and Broncos have a turd exchange program because this defense is full of them. DeAngelo Hall, Gerard Warren, Tommy Kelly, and William Joseph. A definite classic collection. Look for Gibril Wilson to have a horrible year as well. What is it with the Raiders and signing players who were in the Super Bowl in the previous year. Dexter Jackson, Gibril Wilson, Dominic Rhodes and Larry Brown just pop into my mind. Have I mentioned Al Davis is clueless?
Final Report: Lane Kiffin is on the hot seat this year. What has he done to deserve this? He accepted the head coaching position with the Raiders. The offense has a lot of potential if the offensive line can just block for the running backs and give JaMarcus Russell time. Sounds easy, remember it is the Raiders and they will make it difficult. The defense also has a lot of potential but I am not sure if it actually improved in the off season. Hall and Asomugha are two good corners but the problem lies in the fact this team is inherently dysfunctional. No one listens to the coach, the owner is insane and there is a lack of talent on the roster. Should make for a shitty year.
Team record: 5-11
San Diego
Offense: The only thing holding this team back is the fact Norv Turner is the head coach. How is an offense with Antonio Gates and LaDanian Tomlinson 20th in the league in offense? The Philip Rivers Era is fully here finally and as someone who has watched him at NC State when he was in college, I am still wondering how the hell he throws the football like he does. He and Vince Young are the only two sidearmed throwing QB's ever, except for David Carr of course, but he rolled the ball to the receiver, as well as ducked when the pass rush was coming. Fortunately, as long as LT can run the ball there should be no need to see Rivers' crazy ass delivery of the football. I bet Ben Roethlisberger really wishes he played for the Chargers because they have really tall receivers with Malcolm Floyd, Vincent Jackson, and Kassim Osgood. Granted, none of them are necessarily any good, but Big Ben likes tall men and the Chargers certainly have that. The Chargers still have that great O-Line, so LT should find many holes to run through and if Rivers should ever have to throw the ball he will have time to do so.
Defense: Why is it that everyone forgets Shawne Merriman is a steroid user? He got suspended for a few games and now it seems like everyone forgets he used steroids, while baseball players are shut out of the game if they are even suspected. Bizarre. Either way the defense has not lost anything since last year, but again, did you know they were only 14th in the league in total defense? They had some problems stopping the run and they have really not done anything signficant since the end of last year to remedy this. Norv Turner at his absolute best. There is a problem? Who cares, let's just keep doing the same thing over and over again. The secondary is very good, though Quentin Jammer did not quite become the All Pro cornerback I was sure he would be. They have three safeties on the roster but DeJuan Tribble, who has an awesome name, will hopefully end up playing some safety because (a) I like his name and (b) he should be a good player. You can trust me, I said Charles Rogers and DeShaun Foster would go to 14 All Pro games combined, so I definitely know what I am talking about.
Final Report: This team is going to dominate the division and have a good chance at winning a playoff game. Unfortunately, they will probably then realize Norv Turner is the head coach and lose to New England. It's not that Norv Turner is a bad coach, it's just that he seems so uninspiring and for a person who works so well with QB's, as a head coach he never really develops any great QB's. I really like this team though and I think the window may be closing on them with LT getting near running back middle age (i.e. 30). If they are going to make a Super Bowl, I think this could be the year. That being said, I am not sure they can stop the run well enough to do it. Good Ol' Norv better start updating his offensive coordinator resume if they don't because the mentally incompetent front office will probably fire him and try to rehire Marty Schottenheimer.
Team Record: 13-3
Buffalo Bills
Offense: The two QB’s the coaching staff has a choice between are J.P. Losman and Trent Edwards. When those are your choices, you really have no choices. They have Marshawn Lynch at RB and if he can avoid running over any more pedestrians then he should have a pretty good year. So basically they are the Minnesota Vikings with a less mobile QB, a worse RB, and receivers that are a little more proven. Don't be too jealous of them. They were 30th in the NFL in offense last year and the only real way I see it getting any better is if Trent Edwards takes a step up this year, which I fully believe he is capable of doing. As part of the Bills “we must screw everything up” plan, LT Jason Peters is currently holding out of camp because he wants the last three years of his deal restructured. So, they have a second year QB who was shaky at times last year starting and a potential stud RB but are missing their best offensive lineman. It’s like having an ice cream cake but no knife to cut it. Or in Marshawn Lynch's case, a car but no one to run over and then you have to flee the scene on a scooter. I wish there had not been other stories going on so I could focus on Jason Peters but here is the deal. Peters had hernia surgery, has not told the team how he is doing on his recovery, and won’t report to camp because he wants more money and won’t respond to any attempts to reach him. I like to imagine this is how the conversation would go if he did respond to phone calls:
(Dick Jauren) "You feeling okay Jason?"
(Peters) “Sure Coach, I’m good."
(Dick Jauron) “How is the hernia?”
(Peters) “Oh, it’s great. Can I get more money now?”
Defense: Every year I look at the Buffalo Bills defense and think they should be really good. That is why the Bills defense is a problem for me. I look at the roster and see they are getting Paul Povlolosxskydidy back from injury, Donte Whitner will probably have a good year and I think Leodis McKelvin will make a great cornerback…in two to three years. I look at the roster and think they should be good, then look at the numbers and see the defense stinks. The defense was ranked 31st in the league last year. They look great on paper but have not been able to put up great numbers on defense since Thurman Thomas was last seen roaming the sidelines looking for his helmet. They seem like they could be good on paper this year and they have brought in Marcus Stroud to plug the middle, which he will do because he is fat. Unfortunately, that means the rest of the defense has to tackle, and therein lies the problem. I look at the roster and would love to have this as my defense, but then there is something that gets lost in actually playing the games, which is a definite drawback to winning games.
Final Report: I am actually going to have a hernia because I want so bad to put the Bills second in the division with a winning record. I have no idea why this defense was so bad last year, I look at the roster and think they should at least be middle of the pack. I look at each team this way: What have they done that would make things different for them this year than last year or what has changed? Unless you count hit and run accidents and holding out of training camp, which you get 0 fantasy points for, and a shockingly low zero touchdowns, nothing has really changed in my mind.
Team Record: 7-9
Miami Dolphins
Offense: Ronnie Brown is back from injury and Ricky Williams is no longer a pothead so they will run the ball pretty well. Ted Ginn Jr. is fast and Jake Long is tall and big, so whoever starts at QB is only going to get sacked predominantly from the right side. If this is sounding like a first grade book, then you know there is not much to talk about here. Anthony Fasano was a good pickup for coach Bill Parce---I mean Tony Soprano---I mean Tony Sparano, so all they need now is 3 more OL, a QB that can throw further than 10 yards and a #1 and #2 WR and I could see them being the 3rd best team in this division. As far as QB's go, I like Chad Pennington as a person. My grandmother knows his grandmother and swears he is a doll of a person. He also has an arm like a 5 year old. David Eckstein throws the ball harder than Pennington. All I hear is, “Who cares? He is accurate and is a team leader, people love him, blah blah blah.” All very true but he is accurate when throwing to Santana Moss, Jerricho Cotchery, and Lavernues Coles. Find them on this roster and get back to me. I am not counted among the Parcells fans in the world. I know he loves to groom QB’s but can’t any Cowboy fans think what might have been if Romo had been starting for two years instead of Vinny Testaverde and Quincy Carter? Same thing here. Henne and McCown have more arm strength and I think generally would benefit the team in the long run to have them starting. Parcells does not think long run because he will be back at ESPN in three years.
Defense: Traditionally Coach Parcells has let a veteran run the team at QB for a few years and then try to nudge along an understudy. Traditionally it has been Vinny Testaverde who was the veteran and he could afford to do this because he has some semblance of a defense already in place to help the process. I just don't see that here. Does a secondary of the Allen Brothers (Will and Jason), Yeremiah Bell (possibly the first African American Jew to play in the NFL), and Mike Lehan with a pass rush by Matt Roth and Vonnie Holliday scare you if you are an offensive coordinator? Only if you are the Miami Dolphins Offensive Coordinator. Also, since the Offensive Coordinator of the Dolphins is Dan Henning, whose best offensive play on third and long is a draw play, this is really saying a lot.
Final Report: Let's see. They are switching to a new defense, the 3-4, so the defense will probably not be able to keep opposing offenses off the field and they have an offense where Coach Parcells could run the single wing offense with Ted Ginn as the QB and Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown in the backfield and it would be the best chance for this team to score. It does not sound good. That being said, I think one of the 4 QB's will turn up to be semi-competent and they do have a running game, even if there will be 10 men in the box. I think by the 3rd year, or by the time Parcell quits and denies he wants another job and immediately takes another job, they should be good for 2nd place in the division. Not this year.
Team record: 4-12
New England
Offense: The first and only video game offense returns for another year. They'll still be great and score 40 points a game and probably don't even need that great of a defense, they can just outscore the opponents. Tom Brady is 31 by the way, not that this is a big deal, but he just seems a lot younger than that. The offensive line is the key here. Any QB is great when he has all day to sit back in the pocket and look for his receivers and Tom Brady is even more deadly when this happens. The whole Randy Moss thing is working out really well for them right now and he is not complaining, because he knows that he will get the ball a whole lot and run up some good numbers. The only thing this team did really poorly last year was protect badly in the Super Bowl when the Giants were able to get a pass rush on them. Even when the Giants were able to get a rush it seemed like the Patriots offense should have broken through and never did. I hate to be boring but I don't think this is changing. Unless the offensive line forgets how to block, the Pats are going to be just as good this year offensively as they were last year.
Defense: I am afraid to mock this team. This team won a Super Bowl with Troy Brown as a cornerback and I am still not sure how this occurred. So here goes...this team is not as stout in the middle as you would think but they were #10 in the NFL in stopping the run last year. I can't explain that because I would run the ball right at old ass Mike Vrabel and Tedy Bruschi. The current corners are Ellis Hobbs and Fernando Bryant. I am not kidding. This defense is getting old and as much as I love Bo Ruud and Shawn Crable, I just don’t see them as starters in the NFL, but of course Troy Brown should never have been a cornerback in the Super Bowl either. I did not see a single mock draft having Jerod Mayo going #10 in the draft, so for Patriot fans to be all giddy about him may be a little premature. Suck on that Simmons. Your Mayo is going to spoil.
Final Report: Here is what we are all going to have to deal with this year regarding the Patriots:
1. The really, really annoying bandwagon Patriot fans.
2. Another run at a perfect year followed by a Super Bowl victory.
3. Bill Simmons writing a poorly disguised puff piece every week on the Patriots and how some new mantra is helping them get the team chemistry needed to win every week.
4. The defense getting immense amounts of credit and me never having a clue how they are as good as they are.
All of this being said, the Patriots have had some good luck and one strong hit to Tom Brady or Randy Moss can make this team lose 5-6 games. It won’t happen though because God loves the New England area and the sports teams are all destined to be winners.
Team Record: 15-1 (I have no idea who they will lose to but I am leaning towards San Diego or Pittsburgh because they are the only teams that will be smart enough to play the Patriots the best way there is to beat them, which is run right at them)
New York Jets
Offense: Who has an old ass quarterback? J-E-T-S! Who has just moved up to second place in their division and are now in the hunt for a wild card berth in a best case scenario? J-E-T-S! Brett Favre is a major upgrade at QB for the Jets and I think it will be fun to see when he throws a last second interception that loses the game for the Jets. At that point, instead of Larry B. Plunkett from the Green Bay Herald and Times asking Brett Favre questions, he will have the NY Post, NY Times, and every other major New York publication questioning his decision making. It will either cement Brett’s reputation as one of the greatest QB’s in NFL history or cause him to sweat like a heroin addict in rehab. Either way, it should be fun to watch. The offensive line is improved on paper and if you believe in Thomas Jones then they should run the ball well. There are two big offensive questions that present themselves:
1. How is Brett Favre going to like his new receivers? It takes receivers a few years to warm up to Favre both as a person and as a quarterback, just ask Greg Jennings. They have a month and a half. I say it will happen though.
2. Is the offense going to be good enough to keep up with the revamped defense? I am not sure they are good enough and as great as Brett Favre is, out of the last three years he has had one above average season. He tends to hand out interceptions like they are condoms at a middle school.
Defense: The defense is definitely improved and I have seen first hand Kris Jenkins can eat away the offensive lines ability to block him. I have also seen him eat 32 cheeseburgers and pout about nothing in particular, so I guess it evens out. The best comparison for the Jets has always been the Patriots, with Mangenius having come from them as their defensive coordinator, but the linebackers have question marks galore for the Jets. Vernon Ghoulston was a DE in college and there were questions about his consistency prior to him being drafted and Calvin Pace is a B- overall LB at his absolute best. David Harris is the only one I feel confident in. In a 3-4, so much pressure is on the linebackers to blitz and stop the run, which I am not sure I trust them to do. I feel the same way about them I feel about buying a ShamWow. It seems like it would work but I am not sure it is for real and I can’t trust someone who has a New York accent and loves German manufacturing. If you have not seen those commercials, google them. “Besides yous spend twenty dahlahs a mahnth on papah’ towels anyways, you ah thrawhing yaw mahney away.” It is so god awful, I can't even mock it correctly.
Final Report: They are in the same division as the Patriots so go ahead and pencil them in for two losses. I think they will beat the teams they are supposed to beat and lose to the teams that actually are able to put pressure on Favre and put pressure on the defense. Billy Joel’s “Pressure” is going to be the mantra this year for them on both sides of the ball. And yes, I just made an early 80’s Billy Joel reference.
Team Record: 7-9
Pittsburgh
Offense: They love to run and that sets up the passing game. This is about as exciting as they get. They were 4th in the league in rushing last year and I don’t see that changing any this year, even if I am not as sure about the offensive line as I used to be. They will miss Alan Faneca. Ben Roethlisberger is a fan favorite because he is white and gritty, as seen by his inability to ride a motorcycle and avoid cars. He is only in his 5th year in the league and he is already pulling a Dan Marino and bitching about something the team does. Marino used to point at his receivers after an unsuccessful play and make a motion in the direction of the receiver at the route the receiver was supposed to run, like they were just free lancing out there, and then he would get really pissed at them. Nevermind he threw the fucking ball, it was all the receivers fault because he is Dan fucking Marino, God of all things passing. It’s a wonder he never won a Super Bowl. Anyway, Ben was complaining this year that he wanted taller receivers, which would make sense if he could not see over the offensive line but Ben is 6’5” so that should not be the problem. Granted, Jeremy Bloom is on the roster and could get a part as a Munchkin in the Wizard of Oz when it is on Broadway, but this was a stupid statement by Ben and Bloom is only getting the ball thrown to him if there is a grenade in it and he lost the hot potato contest. So the Steelers go out and listen to their QB and get Linus Sweed who is 6’5”. When Sweed runs the exact pattern he was supposed to and Roethlisberger throws his hands up after he gets intercepted throwing to him and starts berating him as he goes off the field, don’t say I did not warn you.
Defense: Another year, another great Pittsburgh defense. You can always count on the Steelers drafting and developing great LB’s, watching them become great stars and then being too cheap to resign these players. I love things you can count on. Of course you can also count on at least one or two replays in the playoffs that show the Pittsburgh defenders about 10 yards behind a receiver with the ball in the air. They will be in the top 5 in defense in the NFL again and lose in the playoffs to a team that can pick up their blitz. Boring. Troy Polamalu’s hair greatly disturbs me, even there is some sacred tradition I can’t remember that stops him from cutting it. If I am an offensive player, I am taking every chance I get to act like a 9 year old and yank his hair or I would even tackle him by it. It is just too tempting.
Final Report: Unless Rashard Mendenhall is a complete and outright bust, Melwelde Moore continues to use illegal drugs, and the defense completely falls apart for some unexplained reason, the Steelers are going to make the playoffs. The Steelers are really a boring team for me. You know what you are going to get.
Team Record: 12-4
Baltimore Ravens
Offense: How many opportunities has Kyle Boller gotten to be the starting QB of the Ravens? He pops up every year on the depth chart and every year he is good enough to back up the starter but not good enough to be the starter. You want Kyle Boller to be your back up but not starting games, I think that is in the Bible somewhere. It seems like the Ravens spend all their money on defense and want to draft offense but then forget to. The questions are not how quickly can Joe Flacco progress, is Troy Smith really going to try to play QB, or is there a way to get Kyle Boller off the roster, but the question really is who the hell are they all going to throw to other than Derrick Mason and Todd Heap? There is no one I personally would want catching passes for me, other than those two. Not to mention Jonathan Ogden retired, so they have to replace their left tackle as well. If this is management’s way of enticing Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs to re-sign after this year, it sucks. Willis McGahee has a lot of weight on this shoulders because nearly every other RB on this roster is a third down back or a platoon back at their best.
Defense: Every year you hear Ray Lewis has lost a step and every year he proves someone wrong. The Ravens defense gave up 24 points/game last year. That is not going to get it done this year, especially with the offense struggling like it probably will. I am not going to be one of those people to count out the Ravens this year on the defensive side of the ball because I am superstitious in that way. I can feel a bad combination of a lousy offense and an aging defense that I think does not bode well for this team. They have a great D-Line in Gregg, Ngata, and Trevor Pryce, but it seems like injuries and old age tend to accumulate rapidly and I think the corners of Samari Rolle and Chris McAllister can not be counted on as much anymore and they will end up depending on Ed Reed for run support too much. The Ravens this year are playing blackjack with a hand of 16 and want the dealer to hit them. We’ll see.
Final Report: I give no credit to the Ravens offense and I don’t think in this division that contains Pittsburgh and Cincinnati the Ravens will be able to keep up as much anymore. The team’s success depends on how much the offense can get done and if the defense can hold teams to 17 points per game. The Ravens have not fallen off by that much, I think the rest of the division is just catching up faster.
Team Record: 5-11
Cincinnati Bengals
Offense: This offense is always going to put points on the board. Even if Rudi Johnson has his annual injury, they have proven they can run the ball without him with Kenny Watson and Chris Perry. If Carson Palmer stays healthy and he is the only Palmer, not Jordan, throwing to Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, then there should be nothing wrong with this team offensively. I would like to see them get an impact tight end, and maybe Ben Utecht can be that for them, but otherwise only unforeseen injuries and Chad Johnson acting like an ass are going to derail this offensive train.
Defense: This is the problem and will continue to be so. For a defensive coach Marvin Lewis sure can’t find a good defense. I think it is some disease he inherited from Brian Billick who was an offensive genius at Minnesota until he did not have a good QB, RB, or WR’s. I guess if you take away Ray Lewis, it is hard to look like a genius. It’s not like they don’t try. They have drafted Keith Rivers, Odell Thurman, David Pollack, Johnathan Joseph and Leon Hall over the past couple years in either the first or second round. It has been a wonderful mixture of bad luck and players getting arrested, which always seems to happen to the Bengals. It is hard to find a good linebacker who either doesn’t have a broken neck or four felonious counts of assault against him. I am not sure a single Bengal was arrested over the summer for rape or any other violent crime, so that is a step in the right direction. If I really have to analyze them, I will do it this way: The DE are below average, the linebackers are average, the corners are young, and the safeties are the very meaning of average.
Final Report: The best thing this team can do is start over. I think Marvin Lewis is a good coach but this is going to be a tug of war between the defense and the offense for the next couple years unless something changes. I think Marvin Lewis would have looked good in Baltimore where he could have had his pacifier and blanket in Ray Lewis and a different coach needs to come to Cincinnati. This is a team that is going nowhere because the defense won’t let it and meanwhile the offense is getting older and more impatient for the defense to get their shit together.
Team Record: 8-8
Cleveland Browns
Offense: I liked Derek Anderson coming out of college at Oregon State, so it did not shock me that he was a productive QB last year. It did shock me that he was as good as he was though. I am going to assume it was not a one year thing and say he will have a comparable year. Otherwise we would have to discuss the idea of Ms. Brady Quinn starting and that would take a little bit of time to talk about. I hope Brady loves the wonderful deal his agent got him by the way, I bet he has lots of time thinking about it while he sits on the bench and thinks about any playing time incentives he might be missing. Holding out as a rookie is stupid and there is nothing to be gained from it. You just miss time you need to become a better player and most likely there is someone who can do your job just as well as you. Dumb. Now that Jamal Lewis has completed his “I had one more good year left in me” tour, I look for his numbers to fall a little bit, which makes the starting running back…Jerome Harrison. Let the celebration begin! We all know Kellen Winslow Jr. is a motherfucking soldier and Braylon Edwards has started getting some nationwide recognition, including a mention in Peter King’s latest MMQB in the “coffeenerdness” section, which can only bode well for him.
Defense: I want everyone to try and venture a guess at what position in total defense the Cleveland Browns were last year. Remember, they have Romeo Crennel, a brilliant defensive coach on their side AND Willie McGinest, even though he is in a rocking chair. The answer is 30th in total defense. They gave up 360 yards per game and could not stop the run at all. So they go out and sign Corey Williams, who has never played in the 3-4 and Shaun Rogers, who ate his way out of Detroit. They were good risks but don’t they call them risks for nothing. The two young LB Kamerion Wimberly and D’Quell Jackson are a strength for this team. The two safeties, Brodney Pool and Sean Jones actually play the same position and were both second round picks, so the team feels the need to play them both. Also, Brandon McDonald is currently the starting corner for Cleveland. I am sure his mom did not even know he played in the NFL, if that tells you anything. I would expect the defense to be markedly better but anyone who has deep and abiding faith in the secondary needs to go seek mental help.
Final Report: I think they are good enough to win 10 games again this year, I just don’t believe they will. I think they will stop the run sufficiently this year but I still wonder why Romeo Crennel is a defensive coach and they don’t have a great defense as of yet. I actually think the offense is going to lag a little bit behind the pace from last year but the defense will step it up to make more plays.
Team Record: 9-7
Houston Texans
Offense: They should start a Survivors of David Carr as Your Favorite Team’s Quarterback Fund. I believe every team should have to have David Carr on its roster for at least half a season to experience the pain he can bring a person. The Texans have survived well though. The Texans still have a QB problem. They should start the best QB on the roster and if Sage Rosenfels is that person then he should start. The problem is that then Matt Schaub was outplayed by Sage Rosenfels and that will probably hurt his ego for the rest of his career and he will never be right again. Of course he was stuck behind the human hype machine Mike Vick and seems to be alright, so maybe he can make it through anything. I guess getting beaten by Sage Rosenfels is not as bad as being the second best QB on a roster where the starter throws 80 mph one hopper throws and has the accuracy of a drunken crack addict. The biggest competition I can see on the roster is between Ahman Green and Chris Brown to see who can accumulate the most injuries through a season. I have my money on Chris Brown, he is unstoppable in the injury department. I think he actually sat out 8 games last year with a broken leg that was never broken. It’s good to see the first year the Texans were in existence was 2002 and they are still looking for a decent left tackle. Take your time boys, don’t want to rush anything.
Defense: Mario Williams has to feel incredibly vindicated. Not only he is a better football player than Reggie Bush, it is not even close at this point. Williams is only 23 and already one of the best at his position and Bush…is…a great 3rd down back? The Texans actually have a pretty solid defensive line and the LBs are good as well with Morlon Greenwood and DeMeco Ryans bucking Houston Texan tradition and actually tackling the opposing team’s football players. Dunta
Robinson is in his 5th year in the league and he is projected to be a good player by his 10th year, so look out for that. Jacque Reeves is the other cornerback. They are not kidding either, I double checked this and even called the Texans practice facility and spoke to a nervous young lad named Brian who confirmed Jacque Reeves was not a fake name nor had he ever been on National Geographic searching for animals in the deep of the ocean. Will Demps is the safety, as is C.C. Brown, who is so embarrassed about his play he does not even want anyone to know his name.
Final Report: The offense is still not good enough to beat Jacksonville or Indianapolis, even though the defense is catching up quickly. They have Andre Johnson and Kevin Walter as receivers, and you can definitely do better, but the running game scares me the most. Unless Matt Schaub knows how to run the spread option, Steve Slaton will be useless after Ahman Green and Chris Brown get injured. If am Mario Williams, I demand a trade to the Saints to rub it in Reggie Bush’s face everyday in practice how good I am.
Team Record: 6-10
Indianapolis Colts
Offense: If Peyton Manning’s bursted sac survives the season, the Colts will as well. I am not ready for the Jim Sorgi era. They are very deep at RB this year, which should prevent any problems if there happens to be an injury or if the Raiders ever catch up with Dominic Rhodes for stealing all that free agent money last year. This offense is going to be great again and now they have suddenly found Anthony Gonzalez as the 3rd receiver, which sucks if you hate the Colts and their constant ability to find quality receivers. Anthony Gonzalez is such a mystery to me though. Is he Hispanic, White, African American? I need to label him ASAP so I hope I figure this out soon. I never heard anything else about this but did Marvin Harrison actually put a cap in somebody's ass this offseason?
Defense: They still look good up front, though any Dwight Freeney injury is never a good thing. You can’t base everything on name recognition but I just take it as a bad sign when I have never heard of all but one of your team’s linebackers. I usually keep in pretty good touch with the whole football thing. Teams ran all over the Colts last year, they were 15th in the NFL in stopping the rush but they were second in ypg allowed through passing. They rely on Bob Sanders so much for run support and he is so injury prone it is hard to see how they may stop anyone when he is out of there.
Final Report: One year the Colts are going to relinquish the hold they have on the AFC South, (even though they are in the North of the United States) and I think this is going to be the year. I don’t think the offense is going to be the main problem but I can see a passing game that relies so much on timing to be a little rusty when Marvin Harrison has not played in a while. The defense will be above average but I don’t trust Bob Sanders to stay healthy and I don’t trust the team to stop the run without him. So yes, I am predicting injuries. Kiss my ass.
Team Record: 10-6
Jacksonville Jaguars
Offense: We can all breathe a sign of relief the Byron Leftwich Era is over in Jacksonville. I am not sure what else, besides stand on his head and save a baby from a burning building, David Garrard could have done to deserve the starting job. I have a rule against betting against Fred Taylor, and even if he does go down, I think a lot of Chauncey Washington. I think more of him than I do any other 3rd string running back in the world. That says a lot. Jerry Porter is as underrated as any receiver who has a horrendous attitude can be and Troy Williamson needs to opportunity to have QB that has a clue throwing the ball to him. Sorry, Tavaris Jackson, Brooks Bollinger and Brad Johnson don't cut it for me. Call me picky. Matt Jones is a sad story. I hear you can find him after every practice on the ground attempting to sniff the white line markings and out of bounds markings up with his nose. Cocaine is a motherfucker. On a positive note, this should really help his breakaway speed and I have learned from "Cops" it is hard to catch a coke head. So look for him to have a break out year. The Tight End's name is Mercedes Lewis. What are the odds he is Matt Jones' dealer? He went to UCLA and is named Mercedes. Sounds like it to me.
Defense: Derrick Harvey is about to get his roster spot stolen by Quentin Groves, mark my words. Harvey will come to terms in a few weeks and next thing he knows Groves will be the starter and not relinquish it. Groves has first round talent and all he needs is a chance to show it. Maybe Harvey and Brady Quinn can start a support group for dumbasses who think they are so important a team can not go on without them, then the team ends up replacing them permanently. That would be a long support group name but I think it could work. I L-O-V-E the Jaguars defense. They were middle of the pack last year but I think they are going to have a great year and they have the pass rush and the secondary to make other team's life difficult.
Final Report: I never bet against Peyton Manning or the Colts but I think this is the year I break my rule. Jacksonville finally has stability at QB, a great running game and receivers that have the potential to keep the defense honest. The defense is stout and they are not going to be afraid of the Colts and Patriots. Of course, the fans in Jacksonville will probably fill the stadium to 50% of capacity so there will be no homefield advantage, but that is a different story.
Team Record: 12-4
Tennessee
Offense: What is there to not like in a team that has a running back who could weigh an estimated 250 pounds, the QB throws the ball like he is flinging dog crap off of his hand when he is not showing up on the Internet shirtless at a party, and Kerry Collins is the person who is supposed to provide veteran leadership? That has all the makings of a great team. Vince Young is not a good quarterback, I am going to go ahead and get this off my chest. The three headed (and four chinned) monster at running back of Chris Johnson, Chris Henry and LenDale White is going to take a lot of pressure off Vince Young. Unfortunately, Young also thinks he is a running back and he gets credit for his running skills and everyone ignores his 9-17 TD:INT ratio and the fact he can't make all the throws a normal QB would make. The Titans also have 4 #3 receivers on the roster, which is advantageous because one of those four have to be named the #3 receiver but is a problem when you don't have a good QB who can get the ball to these receivers. It is actually smart for the front office to not pay for any good receivers, it would just be good money wasted.
Defense: This is where the Titans should and will get some credit. The Titans have a strong defense and an even stronger offensive line. Sure they may step on people's heads and there is a good chance it is not the year 2000, so Jevon Kearse is not going to be of any use, but they are physical and can stop the run and the pass. I am still not a big Nick Harper fan and believe if the Colts get rid of a cornerback, then you definitely don't want that player (See: David, Jason). Michael Griffin is going to be the Kool Aid man this year and bust through. Pop culture reference! The defense is really actually boring but they are good and make up for the fact the offense is going to sputter on every single third and long.
Final Report: Tennessee is unlucky they have to play in the same division as the Colts and Jags. The Titans are good enough to beat a lot of teams but not good enough to beat a good team. Contain Vince Young and force him to fling the ball awkwardly around the field and they are beat. The running game is going to be the key for the Titans because the only way they will be able to move the ball through the air is when Vince Young gets flushed out of the pocket or throws a 5 yard out. Young and JaMarcus Russell are going to compete all year to see which QB can throw more balls 5 yards over a receivers head. I say the first person to bounce a screen pass should be declared the "Shittiest QB" winner.
Team Record: 7-9
Denver Broncos
Offense: Mike Shanahan in the past couple of years has loved two different types of players: underachievers and players who have had personal problems in the past. He also wants everyone to know all of his running backs are expendable. Unfortunately what happens is you end up with a team that has no name running backs and underachieving players with personal problems. The #1 receiver, Brandon Marshall injured his knee walking over McDonald's wrappers, somehow Keary Colbert is on the roster, and the #1 running back is Selvin Young. None of those are really positive things. Overall I have learned two things: First, never underestimate Mike Shanahan and second, he really has very little clue of what he is doing but it all seems to work out. As long as the OL continues to open holes, 1,000 yard rushers are spit out like they are on an assembly line and Jay Cutler continues to progress as a QB, the Broncos are going to have a good offense. Also, Brandon Marshall needs to stick to eating Burger King.
Defense: This is where the turd fest reached new and even more successful heights in the past. Like most turds, they have been flushed, but it took a few too many experiments by Shanahan. In a division with Larry Johnson, LaDanian Tomlinson, and Darren McFadden being 31st in rushing defense is going to be a killer. I look at the defensive line and it is competing for more backups in starting positions than any other team except the Kansas City Royals baseball team. Baseball reference! The real question is how many beers will it take before a Broncos fan will actually believe the defense can stop anyone? I would say at this point the person would black out or get alcohol poisoning. John Lynch left the team because he said they did not have a plan for him anymore but with a secondary that has Marquand Manuel and Marlon McCree in it, the Broncos should take Ronnie Lott if he wanted to play.
Final Report: The Broncos are not an untalented squad, they still have Champ Bailey and they will find another 1,000 yard rusher somewhere on this roster or another roster. The questions are the defense and how well the offensive line can protect Cutler to get the ball to the no name receivers? Mike Shanahan is slightly overrated as a coach. He did a great job in winning back to back Super Bowls but he has very little clue on how to build a defense and his personnel decisions are beyond questionable.
Team record: 9-7
Kansas City
Offense: How odd is it that Larry Johnson gets a huge contract and then immediately has his worst year as a starter? That never happens, you except with Shaun Alexander and every other running back in the history of the NFL. How bad is Brodie Croyle? He has made Damon Huard seem to be a viable starting quarterback and Tyler Thigpen could also possibly be in the running as the starter. That's not good. Croyle was not very good at Alabama and he is not going to be very good in the immediate future either. It does not help the offensive line has gone from a Who's Who of talented All Pro lineman to a group that lacks talent. It always make me nervous when a rookie is counted on his first year to help anchor an offensive line. It is going to be sad to watch Dwayne Bowe running 15 yard deep patterns and having Croyle skip the ball to him on the ground like he is skipping rocks on a lake. I think Herman Edwards agreed to do Hard Knocks last year so the rest of the football world could see the shit situation he was in and possibly give him some ideas on what the hell to do.
Defense: The only real question about Glenn Dorsey in college was injury concerns. What has he done since being drafted? Nothing, he has been injured. Great. If Dorsey is able to be healthy this year, the defense has a real chance to be a top 10 defense, which will take the pressure off the offense. Gunther Cunningham is possibly the worst head coach in the history of Kansas City but he is good at being a defensive coordinator and will get the best out of every defensive player. I love speaking in cliches. I bet the defense will give 110% this year and take it to the next level, but most of all just take it one game at a time. I am just happy Johnny Dingle is on the roster this year, he has one of my favorite names.
Final Report: Larry Johnson is going to be facing 10 men in the box this year and since he has shown little fight over the past year to break tackles, he will probably gain 500 yards on 400 carries this year. The Chiefs have to find a quarterback, not drafting one was a risky move but they believe in Brodie Croyle, or they are just insane. Knowing Herman Edwards, I say insane.
Team record: 4-12
Oakland
Offense: Are you a physical speciman? Do you have little to no football skills? Have you never heard of football? Then Al Davis wants you. Darren McFadden fumbed 27 times in college, so that bodes very badly for the team, but he is fast so that more than makes up for it in Al Davis' eyes. They need to practice those fumble recovery drills. I truly believe Michael Bush is either the best or second best RB on this roster and he needs to get more touches. JaMarcus Russell has a laser for an arm, no longer weighs 280 pounds, and hopefully will get an opportunity this year to play without getting yanked from the game. He is going to be very fun to mock. If you get tickets to a Raiders game, I would warn you to not sit behind the end zone in the first 30 rows. If Russell tries to throw a five yard slant, he could very well miss and kill you with a football. Does he necessarily have any football skill? Hell no, fuck that, but he looks good playing poorly and that is all that matters. I give it two years before DMac and JaMarcus run away from the team and start a Los Angeles street gang. I would rather do that then play for this clueless team. The initiation would be to kick Javon Walker's ass everytime he leaves the hotel room.
Defense: Remember when everyone would say the Raiders had a good defense and they just needed a good offense? Not anymore. Along with drafting physical specimens and low character players, Al Davis also believes if you can't find a defensive player to play for your team, overpay the ones you got. Tommy Kelly thanks them for this. DeAngelo Hall is going to compete all year with Gerard Warren for worst locker room influence. I have my money on Hall. Anytime you lose your temper in argument with Steve Smith, and Steve Smith keeps his, you know you have temper problems. Apparently the Raiders and Broncos have a turd exchange program because this defense is full of them. DeAngelo Hall, Gerard Warren, Tommy Kelly, and William Joseph. A definite classic collection. Look for Gibril Wilson to have a horrible year as well. What is it with the Raiders and signing players who were in the Super Bowl in the previous year. Dexter Jackson, Gibril Wilson, Dominic Rhodes and Larry Brown just pop into my mind. Have I mentioned Al Davis is clueless?
Final Report: Lane Kiffin is on the hot seat this year. What has he done to deserve this? He accepted the head coaching position with the Raiders. The offense has a lot of potential if the offensive line can just block for the running backs and give JaMarcus Russell time. Sounds easy, remember it is the Raiders and they will make it difficult. The defense also has a lot of potential but I am not sure if it actually improved in the off season. Hall and Asomugha are two good corners but the problem lies in the fact this team is inherently dysfunctional. No one listens to the coach, the owner is insane and there is a lack of talent on the roster. Should make for a shitty year.
Team record: 5-11
San Diego
Offense: The only thing holding this team back is the fact Norv Turner is the head coach. How is an offense with Antonio Gates and LaDanian Tomlinson 20th in the league in offense? The Philip Rivers Era is fully here finally and as someone who has watched him at NC State when he was in college, I am still wondering how the hell he throws the football like he does. He and Vince Young are the only two sidearmed throwing QB's ever, except for David Carr of course, but he rolled the ball to the receiver, as well as ducked when the pass rush was coming. Fortunately, as long as LT can run the ball there should be no need to see Rivers' crazy ass delivery of the football. I bet Ben Roethlisberger really wishes he played for the Chargers because they have really tall receivers with Malcolm Floyd, Vincent Jackson, and Kassim Osgood. Granted, none of them are necessarily any good, but Big Ben likes tall men and the Chargers certainly have that. The Chargers still have that great O-Line, so LT should find many holes to run through and if Rivers should ever have to throw the ball he will have time to do so.
Defense: Why is it that everyone forgets Shawne Merriman is a steroid user? He got suspended for a few games and now it seems like everyone forgets he used steroids, while baseball players are shut out of the game if they are even suspected. Bizarre. Either way the defense has not lost anything since last year, but again, did you know they were only 14th in the league in total defense? They had some problems stopping the run and they have really not done anything signficant since the end of last year to remedy this. Norv Turner at his absolute best. There is a problem? Who cares, let's just keep doing the same thing over and over again. The secondary is very good, though Quentin Jammer did not quite become the All Pro cornerback I was sure he would be. They have three safeties on the roster but DeJuan Tribble, who has an awesome name, will hopefully end up playing some safety because (a) I like his name and (b) he should be a good player. You can trust me, I said Charles Rogers and DeShaun Foster would go to 14 All Pro games combined, so I definitely know what I am talking about.
Final Report: This team is going to dominate the division and have a good chance at winning a playoff game. Unfortunately, they will probably then realize Norv Turner is the head coach and lose to New England. It's not that Norv Turner is a bad coach, it's just that he seems so uninspiring and for a person who works so well with QB's, as a head coach he never really develops any great QB's. I really like this team though and I think the window may be closing on them with LT getting near running back middle age (i.e. 30). If they are going to make a Super Bowl, I think this could be the year. That being said, I am not sure they can stop the run well enough to do it. Good Ol' Norv better start updating his offensive coordinator resume if they don't because the mentally incompetent front office will probably fire him and try to rehire Marty Schottenheimer.
Team Record: 13-3
2 comments Adam Dunn=Sponge
As Jane Austin once famously wrote;
"it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. And Adam Dunn is terrible."
Very true Jane, very true. No lesser literary critic than Jeff Passan concurs.
Swinging for fences
Adam Dunn has glaring weaknesses but the D'backs got stronger after dealing for him
glaring. Blinding. Fucking deafening weaknesses. But they did get stronger after dealing for him. I guess I might be convinced since the most similar player through seven seasons is this dude.
No player in baseball history has been quite like Adam Dunn...
BEHOLD, the power of the internet truly is imposing. I, like you, Jeff, thought that no other hitter in the one hundred and sixty nine year history of baseball every hit a lot of home runs, struck out a lot and walked plenty. But my eyes have been opened. Opened by the power of this scary new technology called the internet and baseballreference.com. And the moment they were opened I had the misfortune of being blinded by a passing Adam Dunn weakness. What are the odds?
the epitome of a hit-or-miss guy, so it is fitting that he’s on the move for the first time in his career, heading to the Arizona Diamondbacks, in the sort of deal that clicks or bombs but rarely sees an in between.
ugh, dude, you are so reaching here. First of all, what did the D'backs give away? A bunch of prospects, I dunno, say they are awesome prospects, which I guess you're assuming for the dire consequences you envision. OK, you know what is the youngest team full of prospects in the one hundred and sixty nine year history of baseball? The Arizona Diamondbacks. Man, it is so fun to say things are the only one of their kind in like two centuries. So they are really young and don't really want to be any younger, in fact, young, inexperienced hitting is a big part of the problem this year. So they need to get older, more experienced, and more level headed.
Furthermore, you know what the most likely outcome here is? That the Diamondbacks fall somewhere "in-between". I still think they will win the World Series (I've always been contrarian), but they probably won't, statistically, but they probably will make the playoffs. Isn't that the definition of in-between? It's literally the most likely outcome.
Simple though it may sound, if the Diamondbacks do hold their tenuous 1½-game lead over Los Angeles in the National League West, the trade is a success.I'm not sure why that sounds simple. It sounds pretty accurate to me. You should have more self confidence Jeff! I don't need you giving me a little disclaimer before every opinion. It's not like I'm dissecting everything you say and making fun of you. Then taking those beliefs and putting them on a website for people to see, humiliating you. That would make me a bit of a dick now wouldn't it?
Because without Dunn, the Diamondbacks – buoyed by Brandon Webb and Dan Haren playing Batman and Robin – would be hard-pressed to survive a season laden with trip wires.
I beg to differ with Dodgers superfan#1 right here, but I'm sure you'll offer some analysis and evidence for your opinion.
The latest, a season-ending wrist injury to second baseman Orlando Hudson, made the deal – which just beat the 48-hour deadline after the Diamondbacks claimed Dunn off waivers from Cincinnati – all the more imperative. Oh, there were other bummers: losing Eric Byrnes for the season and lamenting the selling of Carlos Quentin, whose 32 home runs tie Dunn for the major-league lead, and getting substandard production from some of their great young talents, Justin Upton and Chris Young chief among them.
I don't see why Justin Upton and Chris Young's poor performance so far would be a trip wire for the future. If anything, statistically it suggests they are likely to regress to the mean and be better over the last month and a half. Unless you're suggesting their both terrible, which is a pretty big call for a #1 pick in 2005 and a dude who hit 32HR in his first season in the majors. But you are Jeff Passan, who listens to no fan and laughs in the face of things of things that make grown men cower.
I'll give you Orlando Hudson, I guess. Eric Byrnes however is hitting .209/.272/.369. He's not very good even when he's at his best. Carlos Quentin playing for the White Sox has nothing to do with the games the D'backs have already played (they didn't meet in interleague) let alone a "trip wire" for what is coming up. You could say you've "struck out" with this passage Jeff.
Sorry.
Hudson’s absence shook the Diamondbacks, and shook them into action.
shook them deep in their soul, rattling their ribcage with a tremour that could only be measured by an existential angstometer.
Dunn is a mess of exaggerations – size, at 6-foot-6 and 275 pounds, and swing, a long, looping strike of force, and mannerisms, with his outsized sense of humor. But he has undeniable raw natural power, which will play at Chase Field just fine.
the same power in PNC Park? Ho-ho-ho, an absolute recipe for disaster my niave friend. It would appear you don't know a lot about running a baseball team. That cockamammy nonsense may play down in Chase Field, but it doesn't fool us around here.
With eight more homers this season, Dunn will become the eighth player in major league history to hit 40 or more in five consecutive years. Babe Ruth owns the record with seven. Alex Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa did it six times. Ralph Kiner, Duke Snider, Barry Bonds and Ken Griffey Jr. round out the list.
this trade does sound like a risk.
Griffey, a teammate of Dunn’s with the Reds for the last eight seasons, can’t understand why the 28-year-old isn’t more of a commodity. Maybe it’s Dunn’s batting average – .233 this year, .247 for his career. Or the nonchalance with which he’s perceived to conduct himself – due, perhaps, as much to the long-running idea that he regrets leaving a scholarship to play quarterback at Texas as the fact that, yes, Dunn does carry himself in the outfield like a sloth.
or perhaps, just perhaps, too many people involved in baseball teams are totally full of shit! Yes! Eureka!
Whatever the case, Dunn’s reputation has been the object of whispers that in June went public when Toronto general manager J.P. Ricciardi ripped him on a radio station as a player who “doesn’t really like baseball all that much.”
The two had never spoken.
“For someone to think just because he likes throwing a football around, he isn’t passionate about baseball – it’s just so far from the truth,” Griffey said last week. “If you don’t care about baseball, you don’t hit 40 home runs every year. You just don’t.”
Dunn’s retort – “I don’t know the clown,” he began – was pointed. Still, the questions raised by Ricciardi about his commitment could have driven down his trade value.
I submit a challenge to our readers. Who can come up with the funniest word to describe the stupidity required to have flippant comments from an uninformed source on someones personality, who doesn't even play, not only on that team, but any team, convince you to not want one of the best players in the Major Leagues? You'd have to be inbred wouldn't you? What about Jeff, who has been swayed by this argument second hand? I don't know if there's any more hope in this column dearest Jeffrey.
Because, in the end, Cincinnati GM Walt Jocketty got Dallas Buck, a one-time hotshot prospect with a history of arm troubles, and a couple of players to be named later.
this Dunn sounds like a risk (part 2).
For eight years, Dunn languished in Cincinnati, where the postseason meant a derriere imprint on the couch. He’ll play right field and hit fourth in Colorado on Tuesday, the Diamondbacks going headlong into the Dunn experience.
better put your sunglasses on Phoenix.
Part of it is the laughable fielding and the absurd strikeout numbers, which makes Arizona’s lineup – already with serial whiffers Young, Upton and Mark Reynolds – more porous than a sponge.
there is this thing, it's called a colander . It's entire purpose is to have lots of holes. Porosity is a measure of the void spaces in a material. A sponge's purpose is to absorb liquids. Literally to stop liquids from passing through. If a colander had an opposite, it would be a sponge. This metaphor, in other words, could not logically be more wrong.
And the other part...
the non-sponge part.
consists of home runs and walks, the two special qualities that separate Dunn from his predecessors and contemporaries. Think five straight years of 40 homers is impressive? Dunn is 20 walks from hitting 100 for the fifth straight year, and only Bonds has done 40-100 five in a row. Never Babe Ruth. Never Ted Williams. No one but Bonds and, soon, Dunn.
risk!
The Diamondbacks are fine with the skeptics trashing Dunn. They can chuckle that 36.8 percent of his hits this year are home runs...
wh-wha-why is this bad? Is there some metric done on what constitutes the optimal percentage of hits that are home runs? Wouldn't it be 100%, and closer is better? Do you mean he doesn't have a lot of hits? Nearly as retarded a way of judging a player.
or call him Dave Kingman with a good eye or train cameras on his outfield antics in preparation for the blooper reel.
Arizona is in a pennant race, and it needed to do this. As its newest player can attest, it’s better to swing for a home run than stand there with the bat on your shoulder.
well to be fair, he does that a bit too, you forgot to mention, he's third in walks. Anyway,
RISK!!!
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