All you have to do is invoke the name Peter King and my wrath comes out. Do you like the Mannings, the Red Sox or the Patriots? No? Tough shit says King Peter, you get it anyway. I actually like Peyton Manning, but I always adore how Peter goes the extra mile for his favorite players to cover to find out information. Whether it is standing outside their hotel room door pretending to be a bell man, showing up at dinner time, or just generally stalking the player Peter King will get the story so he, and the rest of the world, can get the full story on the player, whether we want it or not.
Patriots, Red Sox, and Mannings Weekly Review
Manning wasn't going to practice that day.
Because he is injured. I have heard this from ESPN frequently lately. Probably for the same reason they led off SportsCenter with Chad Johnson's injury, they have zero journalistic credibility and play favorites.
Rather, he has spent much of the summer getting treatment for his recovering left knee on his own --somewhere -- and, from what I hear, has been absolutely wearing out the physical therapist,
I certainly hope the PT is a female, not married, or at least a real human and not a blow up doll. What are we talking about again?
Manning had the infected bursa sac near his left knee removed July 14, and he hasn't practiced in the five weeks since. It is one of the cloudiest injuries in sports.
I need to be right, so remember I picked the Colts at 10-6.It is one of the cloudiest injuries in sports? More than a knee injury of any type, a concussion, or a hamstring pull for a wide receiver? I am going to go ahead and say I have never heard of a bursa sac before Manning got his infected, so I am also going to say this is probably not one of the cloudiest injuries in sports just because Peyton Manning has it.
Manning has started every game in his 10-year career -- 160 in the regular season and 14 in the playoffs, second in NFL ironman-quarterback history to Brett Favre -- and the Indy QB told me a couple of years ago consecutive games mean a tremendous amount to him.
Favre! I knew a mention of him would come at some point on the first page.
The iron man streak is very impressive and all but let's get one thing straight as well, it involves several aspects other than a player's skill. Let's look at them to see how much luck could be involved and how much control the player has.
1. Player skill- The player has to be good enough to play and start for a team for a long time. - 100% control
2. Ability to stay away from major injuries- The player has to avoid major injuries that would involve him being on crutches, so unless you are Jeremy Shockey's ego, you can not prevent yourself from being injured nor cause an injury. - 25% control
3. Your Offensive Line- If you have a decent offensive line, then most often you will not be touched that often and can avoid major hits caused by a sack. A player also has to know when to get rid of the ball, which both Manning and Favre did well. Except when Favre was intentionally taking sacks so Michael Strahan could break the sack record or when he threw it away to the other team. - 35% control
Basically it is impressive but you also have to be lucky.
I am writing about it because I think there's a chance -- oh, maybe a 30, 35 percent chance if I had to guess -- that the removal of the infected bursa sac could prevent Manning from playing in the Colts' opening game against Chicago Sept. 7.
This is the justification of his crush. Kind of like a 14 year old girl explaining why she broke curfew to attend a party. So I guess we are going to see an injury diagnosis of every player that has a 30% chance of missing the first game of the year due to an injury?
Just to remind you. This had nothing to do with Peter King's crush on Peyton and Eli Manning. Zero. Zilch.
according to WebMD.com, the knee needs this sac to keep the areas around the bones in the area lubricated. Not that the removal of the sac injures the knee per se, but it takes away part of the liquid that keeps the knee lubricated.
He WebMD'd this shit. Seriously. I am going to start calling him King Peter M.D.
At the time of the injury, it was announced as a four-to-six-week injury. Today is the five-week anniversary of the surgery, and Manning practicing is not imminent.
This is the point where the Patriots would list him as Probable with an elbow injury like they do with Tom Brady. Blatant violations of the injured list is the only rule breaking problem I have with the Patriots these days. And the fact Tedy Bruschi is a douchebag, but he lives in New England, so that is a given and I can't hold that against him.
Dungy said he doesn't anticipate Manning missing the opener. But how would he know? He hasn't seen Manning practice.
You're a fucking liar Tony Dungy and King Peter M.D. just proved it! Good investigative work Peter, here is a cupcake.
Peter King should star in Diagnosis: Injury Report.
Everyone here says all the right things about Jim Sorgi. He's been preparing for this for five years, and he's learned under Manning and coordinator Tom Moore, and he knows what to do, and the players believe in him, and all that. But let's be real. He's a one-year college starter.
And you, stupid fucking Jim Sorgi who dared to back up Peyton Manning, are a no good shit spitting hack! A one year college starter? Tom Brady started in college for 13 years. Sorgi has been with the team for five years now? Steve Young was drafted as a 2 year old to back up Joe Montana and had to wait 26 years to start...and he wasn't even ready then.
Way to be real with us Peter, here is a doughnut from Dunkin' Donuts and an expresso latte.
The Bears are coming to town for the season opener, and they'll try to blitz Sorgi out of Lucas Oil Stadium.
Then Sorgi will start crying and it will be over right then. Inspired by a QB crying, that is not him, Kyle Orton will throw 250 TD passes and Brian Urlacher will post pictures of Sorgi crying and Manning's infected sac all over the Internet and no one will invite them to the Fall Dance at school. Way to figure that out Peter. Here is a piece of cake and a soy bean latte for your trouble.
Quote of the Week I
"I didn't have time to think. You don't have time to think when the ball's coming at you 100 miles an hour.''--Rookie Jets tight end Dustin Keller, on what he was thinking when Favre's first touchdown pass as a Jet was in the air, headed for Keller's hands in the end zone.
I have never heard Brett Favre throws hard. Good thing his arm was not sore after practice or else someone should suggest he let up a little.
Quote of the Week III
"We can't be the Patriots. The Patriots, they epitomize the whole team concept. Those guys are all about team and that's it. We're not them. We are a team that has a bunch of names, a bunch of personalities and a bunch of youth.''--Dallas linebacker Bradie James, to NBCSports.com's Tom Curran.
Does anyone else sense some sort of sarcasm in this quote? Neither did King Peter M.D. but I think Bradie James was mocking the Patroits, or at least I would like to think so.
Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week
Benard in North Dakota opens up an email to Peter right now in preparation for this.
I walk from the side door of the hotel, across the street from the Giants' training camp at the University at Albany (who calls a place the "University at'' something, by the way?), and begin to look for my car. I never remember where I park. And this morning, I forget what rental car I picked up in Boston for the drive to Foxboro and then to Albany. Then I think I remember: Pontiac Vibe. I look for the funky little car. Can't find it. I take the key fob and start pressing the door-open button, walking around the parking lot and wondering where the heck is the Pontiac Vibe. Finally I hear a faint "beep'' and walk toward it.
It's a red car. Can't be mine. Mine's a little Vibe. This is a two-door Ford Mustang. I look down at my Hertz key chain. Sure enough, "Ford Must 2DR,'' it says. Hmm. Now I remember: The Vibe was in Cincinnati/Indianapolis/Terre Haute earlier in the week. Thank God for the key fobs that make the cars beep now.
I have reduced the amount of time until we get to hear about Peter's prostate surgery and the color of his latest stool. It is going to be three more years and I think we may get to hear a little bit about bed sores if he gets to stay in the hospital at some point.
a. Just a hunch, but when Sean Payton saw the highlight on TV Thursday night of Leodis McKelvin of the Bills returning a kickoff 95 yards for a touchdown against Pittsburgh, I bet he had second thoughts about passing on McKelvin (the Saints loved him) and taking Sedrick Ellis in the first round last April.
Just remember this statement.
b. If I'm Mike Tomlin, I'm asking myself: Why can't Dennis Dixon be my No. 2 quarterback? At least until Charlie Batch comes back. That's no fifth-round-looking player. Dixon is poised and throws a zinger of a fastball.
If King Peter is Mike Tomlin then he should answer his own question with the fact Dennis Dixon is going to be a rookie and there is more to playing the QB position than throwing the ball fast and showing poise in the preseason. He would also tell himself, as Mike Tomlin, that as much as Byron Leftwich scares everyone as a potential starter, if an injury to Big Ben happens which QB would be better equipped to win a football game? That would be Leftwich. Which is the entire point of playing the game. This is not gymnastics where poise and playing a game with a shitty QB gets you extra points for difficulty.
c. You can't tell me the Titans are looking at Vince Young's game against Oakland -- he completed one of his last 10 throws -- without getting a little nervous.
You can't tell me you have ever watched Vince Young play and thought he could be a starting NFL QB, King Peter. He has looked lost as a passer ever since he got into the league and has showed no signs of this changing. Way to pick up on it though, here is some pumpkin pie and a five minutes "Alone Time" token with Brett Favre.
d. John Harbaugh says Troy Smith and Kyle Boller "have separated themselves'' from Joe Flacco. Looks like Smith over Boller for the starting job in the Baltimore opener from what I'm hearing. And why not? Boller continues to be frenetic. Smith's more of a calming presence, and he's got the respect of his defense.
Just remember this statement.
e. I know the state of Minnesota inhaled deeply when Tarvaris Jackson went down with a wrenched knee Saturday night in Baltimore, but if you bleed purple, ask yourself this question: Are you positive Jackson gives your team a better chance to win at Lambeau Field on opening night than Gus Frerotte?
THE Gus Frerotte? The man who banged his head against a brick wall and had to sit out the next week because he gave himself a concussion? Gus Frerotte who has been in the league long enough to remember Heath Shuler and when Trent Green played for the Redskins? I am not a Tavaris Jackson fan but I am going to go ahead and say yes Jackson is the best chance they have.
Just a statement that Green Bay, all jacked-up, might not be the best environment for a 25-year-old kid with 14 career starts.
They can just pull him from every game that involves any pressure or any road game! That is the sure way to a Super Bowl, which he would not play in because it is not a home game and is played in a high pressure environment.
f. Michael Turner played 10 minutes Saturday night against Indy and ran the ball four times for Atlanta. The carries: 52, 0, minus-2, 63. I still think you should not ignore my fantasy warning about Turner, who will be playing behind a porous offensive line.
Just remember this statement.
g. Jay Cutler completed his first 12 throws against Dallas. Matt Schaub hit on 12 of his first 14. The thing about preseason football is those could mean everything and those could mean nothing.
So points A-F you just made mean absolutely nothing?
So Sean Payton should not worry about choosing the wrong player in the draft, Dennis Dixon is not the best #2 QB for the Steelers, Vince Young's dookie throwing motion and ability is nothing to worry about, Troy Smith may not end up with the starting QB job, Tavaris Jackson should start in Green Bay, and we should ignore the advice on Michael Turner?
Or it could mean everything? So you are saying the preseason performance is not the best way to evaluate a player because the games mean nothing? What an insightful look at the preseason King Peter M.D. just gave us. He still felt the need to make suggestions in A-F, so it makes me wonder what the hell he is talking about.
We are going to call this "Point G" whenever Peter makes a prediction based on the preseason but also does cautions us later to not read too much into anything. If it does not mean anything then why does he keep mentioning preseason performances?
Favre was given diverse and daunting formations in the 20 plays he had to know for Saturday night, but no throw he made was a challenging deep ball. "I should be able to complete those,'' he said.
Brett Favre has nothing to do with this but Peter has to mention him.
So I wouldn't be feeling like you've got to think of changing your preseason opinion of Cutler or Schaub just yet.
But change it on Michael Turner based on the preseason? Got it, and you make no fucking sense. If you were a super hero your super ability would be to stalk the other super heroes and tell them meaningless facts, then fade into the sky whispering words that may or may not mean anything.
h. Chad Pennington did look good in a limited appearance against the Jags, compiling a nearly identical night to Favre (5-of-6 in three series to Favre's two), but the two most impressive Miamians on offense were Ricky Williams (10-for-43), who is working his way up Tony Sporano's hit chart, and backup QB Chad Henne, a workmanlike 17-of-26 with no turnovers in three quarters.
Point G. Chad Henne had a workmanlike 17-of-26? Did he wear a hard hat on his helmet and say inappropriate comments at the cheerleaders as he left the tunnel? What the hell does "workmanlike" mean?
He also felt the need to mention Favre again. His school boy crush is reaching high levels at this point.
i. Remember this name: Brandon London. He'll be on an NFL team this year. He's a free-agent Giant wideout from UMass, and when I watched him the other day, all I saw was a fearless, tall guy who caught everything in his zip code.
Point G.
2. I think John Lynch is a natural for the Patriots. I also think there's a good back-story to this one-year, $1.5 million deal. I like how Lynch, unlike a lot of veterans, eschewed more money and more playing opportunity to go to New England.
I only mention this because Peter creams all over the Patriots for three paragraphs after this talking about what a classy and wonderful organization they are. Which Patriots is he speaking of?
The one that lies constantly on injury reports, have been caught cheating by the NFL, had a player get picked up in the offseason as a NARC in a drug transaction because he had gotten busted with enough drugs to put him away for five years, and have a safety that was voted the dirtiest player in the NFL? The one that has a coach who cheated on his wife with a younger woman, has been accused of making players play when they have had concussions the previous week, and is barely gracious enough to shake the opposing coaches hand after every game?
That one?
3. I think when I see Michael Phelps give his quasi-goofy thrill-of-victory smile and aw-shucks look, I see a lot of the Eli Manning aw-shucks look. Giants fans, you know what I'm talking about.
Only the Giants fans who are female and have a crush on the way Eli/Michael smiles will know what you are talking about. Let me help you with a link where this could be relevant. Try this:
http://www.ladieshomejournal.com/
4. I think I don't want to hear what great fans the Jets have. Not for a long time. That crowd Saturday night was a disgrace. At least half the stadium was empty for Favre's debut in a Jets' uniform. I expressed my amazement to a few fellow scribes Saturday night -- emphasizing that N.Y. traded for an all-time-great quarterback, not a broken-down one -- and they gave varying reasons for the poor turnout. If you really love your team, and you have season tickets, you should have been at that game unless you were in Tibet. Ridiculous.
He really wrote this and I can't say enough about this.I will keep it short. King Peter is obviously very hurt the other fans don't share the love and enthusiasm he has for Brett Favre and thinks this is a massive slap in the face to Favre and God himself.
First, it is a preseason game so it does not matter if anyone is there. Second, Favre is not broken down but his arm has been hurting and he is 38, so he is pretty fucking close to broken down. Third, don't challenge the Jets fans love of their team just because your all time favorite player and fucking butt buddy got traded to the team and no one gives a shit. This is what Favre deserves from the fans, disdain and indifference, for the bullshit he pulled in Green Bay for even halfway pretending the return from retirement was about winning a Super Bowl and not enhancing his legacy and him just overall trying to get his way. Fuck him and fuck you for being such a baby about the Jets fans not caring. You know who else does not care about Brett fucking Favre? Everyone else in the free world. He is old and he doesn't deserve the red carpet treatment that you and every other journalist has ever given him.
Besides, as you said, it is the preseason so it does not really matter. Also, I agree that more Jets fans should have shown up. What do you expect from New York fans? Just like the Mets and Yankees, they just switch the hats they have when the other team is winning. Right now it is Giant Fever! Jets fans are losers.
b. I like how the IOC is vigilant about every petty little thing that comes across its desk, which it probably has to be. And then, when the world can see the Chinese have clearly and blatantly violated the rule that Olympic gymnasts must be at least 16, the IOC plays dumb.
This is the only thing in this column that has any sort of meaning to me. King Peter could not be more correct about this. The IOC has so many stupid and petty little rules but when a team is clearly violating a rule and lying about it, they stay out of it. Japan would never lie about it anyway, would they? Even if they did, the IOC would not check on it. I know everyone hates the United States but other countries, like Spain and Japan, get away with so much other shit we would apologize for 10 days for and eventually give a $1 billion dollar donation to charity to make it all right.
There were pedophiles who watched the Olympics who thought those Chinese gymnasts were too young.
h. Did you notice in one game last week -- Boston 19, Texas 17 -- that the Red Sox 2-3-4 hitters combined for 11 runs, 10 hits and 13 RBIs?
There are non Red Sox fans in the world. Go to a Red Sox message board if you want to be a cheerleader.
i. In that same game, in the first inning, David Ortiz hit two home runs and Kevin Youkilis struck out two times.
Fucking amazing. Way more amazing than anything else going on in the world. Here is a message board you can join:
www.sonsofsamhorn.net/index
j. There is one word to describe watching Daisuke Matsuzaka pitch a baseball game: excruciating. Or maybe two: excruciatingly rewarding. He's 14-2. He's also averaging 5.4 walks per nine innings. And he must lead the majors in three-ball counts. He started the first inning the other night with a walk and a 3-0 count. Then he shut out Texas for seven innings. Weird, weird pitcher.
Holy shit, that is incredibly odd. Here is a place to discuss it so I don't have to read about your favorite baseball team:
I think Bill Simmons ghostwrites the end of this column.
n. So I see Gary Myers of the New York Daily News in the press box at the Meadowlands on Saturday night. He tells me the doctor about to give him a colonoscopy last year says to him, "Do you know Peter King?'' Myers says yes, and the doc proceeds to tell him what a kook I am for beginning the prep work for my bowel cleanout just before a two-hour-and-40-minute plane trip. You think that's the first time I've heard that one, doc?
I kid you not he wrote this. I need to start a national movement preventing him from telling us his stool color and size in three years. I am beaming with pride right now. My previous quotes on this issue:
"Remember less than ten years until we get to hear about the color and size of his latest stool. Again, I am just preparing you for a "Interesting Stool Sample of the Week" section."
"15 years from now King Peter is going to be telling everyone what color his latest bowel movement was and how parking spaces have decreased in size since he was younger. I just want to prepare everyone for this."
It's going to happen people, I just need everyone to be prepared. I am usually being an asshole when I say no one cares about something Peter writes, but seriously, no one cares about a colonoscopy you had. No one. Stop now.
Can YOU beat Peter King in fantasy football. Click here to find out.
I don't need to click on that button, based on Point G, I am going to say I could beat him in fantasy football. I just vomited thinking about Peter King getting a colonoscopy.
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