Thought you could get away with copying my idea Easterbrook? Do an NFC Preview on the sly without BoB seeing it? BoB? Oh my God, now I'm doing it! Let's just end this introduction before I go mad. To preserve my sanity, I could not go through everything, I had to take regular breaks to take in pure oxygen from a tank to not go delirious. There's only so much sacrifice I'm willing to make for this blog.
Don't go here!
Raise your hand if you want cupcakes
Arizona: This team has one playoff victory in the past 61 seasons; Liechtenstein has more wins in that period. For reasons I do not pretend to know, every summer, football pundits suggest that the coming year will finally be the Cardinals' year. It's never going to be the Cardinals' year! Pundits saying nice things about the team this summer base their optimism on last season's 8-8 finish. But Arizona defeated only three teams that finished with winning records, while the Cactus Wrens managed to lose twice to hapless San Francisco. Receiver Anquan Boldin is demanding a new contract with star-sized numbers though he didn't post 1,000 receiving yards last season and has never had a 10-touchdown receiving season. Players who aren't that good demanding to be treated as stars is the sort of thing that happens to a terrible team. Plus, the Cards play in ridiculous uniforms that look like children's pajamas; they might as well have feetsies instead of cleats. Year in, year out, this club shows it has earned TMQ's nickname, the Arizona (CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN FOOTBALL-LIKE SUBSTANCE) Cardinals.
this is the level of analysis you can expect kids, Lichtenstein, childrens PJs, that's pretty much it. "TMQ" asked to preview Arizona's season - not good!
Mission accomplished Easterbrook.
The ultrafawning team bio of new Falcons head coach Mike Smith rivals the Broncos' team bio in which Mike Shanahan proclaimed himself "The Ultimate Leader" (see below). Smith "has always been a man with a plan." His coaching is "deeply rooted in certain basic tenets or a core of beliefs that drive him to succeed." According to the official Atlanta bio, Smith is tireless, a great communicator, a teacher, has passion, has an unbelievable work ethic and nobody has a better football mind. TMQ is still trying to figure out what this means...
Bob Dole knows what it means, Bob Dole, Bob Dole...Bob Dole...
It means they think he's a good coach Gregg, or should I say "TMQ". Have you changed your name to TMQ legally? Because no one else I can see writes this column. It's just you. Calling yourself TMQ at every opportunity is kind of childish isn't it? I bit self involved too right? You're not a brand man. And it doesn't sound cool. DMX? Maybe kind of cool. TMQ, not cool in the slightest.
The official bio further declares Smith has a "winning résumé." Considering the Atlanta roster, the coach may have to send his résumé into the game!
fucking love the self satisfied exclaimation point. Can just see him at his keyboard, laughing heartily, "Good One TMQ!". I hate you so much it hurts sometimes. The remainder of the Atlanta bit is about third rounder, there are three sentences on Michael Turner.
Carolina: Dear Panthers, the Eagles' front office thinks you will be awful this season. That's why Philadelphia traded its 2008 first-round choice to Carolina for the Cats' 2009 first-rounder and other selections. The trade made sense if you assume Carolina's 2009 first-round choice will come near the top of the draft; if the Panthers have a winning season and draft low in 2009, the Eagles will be losers in the transaction. Two-thirds of NFL teams have at least one No. 1 drafted quarterback. As Darin Gantt of The Herald of Rock Hill, S.C., has pointed out, Carolina is the sole NFL club without a drafted quarterback. Records note: Though the Cats have appeared in a Super Bowl, this club is underwater at 103-114 (including playoffs) since its inception.
this isn't analysis! Let's paraphrase - Carolina and Philadelphia made a really boring pretty insignificant trade. Some teams draft quarterbacks in the first round. Carolina did not. Doesn't have a drafted quarterback in fact. Their record in past seasons is not impressive. If you're only allocating half your column to football (an improvement, admittedly, over the initial effort of 11%) and some seven sentences for a "preview" at least pack it with relevant information.
Just after their Super Bowl appearance, the Bears unloaded running back Thomas Jones and canned defensive coordinator Ron Rivera.
saying "canned" is disingenuous, Rivera was understandably looking for more money and a new contract, Chicago didn't want to give it to him so he left. I'm not saying it was the right decision, but he wasn't fired or anything.
Jones was shown the door so that Chicago could start Benson in 2007; the club had a bureaucratic stake in Benson because it expended a high first-round pick on him.
again, it makes it sound like they wanted the team to fail. Like this wasn't made for football related decisions. They thought Benson would be good, yes, they were wrong, but they thought the money spent on Jones could be better used elsewhere, at the time it was a reasonable, calculated risk. It wasn't to save face, it was to improve the team.
Last year, things came together for the Cowboys, who finished 13-3 before losing in the playoffs to the eventual Super Bowl champion. Dallas performed well, Terrell Owens remained calm, the stats were good, two No. 1 draft picks were added in April. Into this favorable picture we insert -- Adam Jones, who brings the same nutty flavor as Mr. Peanut. Jones was nothing but trouble in college at West Virginia and nothing but trouble in the pros at Tennessee, where he missed the 2007 season on suspension.
thanks for the scoop!
Between Tony Romo's celebrity dating rituals and Owens' genetic proclivity to self-destruct, you would think the last thing the Cowboys need is the kind of me-first locker room influence who can bring out the worst in teammates. Yet that's exactly what owner Jerry Jones brought in by trading for Adam Jones.
not mentioned - exceptionally talented cornerback. I daresay that factor was a little more relevant than the points raised here. Again, it's not that it's wrong, more that it clearly, wilfully doesn't tell the whole story and is a deceptive comment to make.
Plus, the owner signed the cornerback to a contract whose terms encourage selfish play. A bonus clause specifies that if Adam Jones intercepts at least seven passes in two of the next three seasons with Dallas, about $10 million will be added to the back end of his contract.
much like home runs in baseball, interceptions are the worst possible barometer for how good a defensive back is. Yes, I understand gambling for INT's isn't always wise, particulary with a poor cover safety in Roy Williams, but interceptions are good, not bad, right?
So what's going to happen? Jones may gamble for interceptions and not care if he gives up easy touchdowns; there's a bonus for interceptions, but no penalty clause for being burned deep. Contrast that to the contract cornerback Darrelle Revis signed as the Jets' first draft choice in 2007: that deal has all kinds of incentive clauses, but none for interceptions, because Eric Mangini wants Revis to be a team player. Indeed, Revis showed great fundamentals in his rookie season. Don't expect Jones to show fundamentals with the Cowboys -- expect him to gamble for interceptions to bring himself bonus money and personal attention.
even for someone as troubled and immature as Jones, this seems to be a pretty outrageous comment to make.
And now that he no longer wishes to be known as Pacman, TMQ will call the gentleman Adam "Pong" Jones. That's snappier than Adam "Missile Command" Jones -- Pacman, Pong and Missile Command being the initial arcade products of the video-game revolution.
yeah, we get it, thanks.
Detroit and most of the Packers is, SHOCKER, uninformative rambling, but then we have this;
Green Bay has lost three of its past five playoff games at Lambeau Field, which seems like saying Maria Sharapova has been turned down by three of the past five guys she asked out.
I read this, no joke, like seven times to try and get it. I think it means that Green Bay should never, ever lose at Lambeau field in the playoffs...which seems, in a set of five games, a pretty ridiculous thing to say. But then again, I'm guessing because the comparison is fucking terrible.
This next one is a doozy;
Minnesota: The Vikings are the darlings of NFL conventional wisdom -- with a great run defense and Adrian Peterson, they are being picked by almost everyone to push deep into the postseason. TMQ is not sold on Minnesota, however. This team lost 34-0 at Green Bay last season, and you can't hang that all on struggling quarterback Tarvaris Jackson.
yeah, that game sucked. It was ONE game of sixteen man, ONE, against a 13-3 team...on the road. I think we can excuse that ONE performance.
Holding the inside track to a wild-card berth, the Vikings dropped their final two games last year, and you can't hang that all on struggling quarterback Tarvaris Jackson.
well no, they choked and that's bad, sure, but they were 8-8. It's not like people were saying the Patriots are this "most likely to improve team". They are improved because they had flaws last year, if they didn't have flaws last year they wouldn't be being talked up. Yes, they lost games "TMQ", we all realise this.
Football is a team sport, and often last season the Vikings were not a particularly good team.
they lost as much as they won, everyone knows this, everyone.
Their big offseason addition was defensive end Jared Allen, who's talented but plays a selfish, my-stats-matter-more-than-winning style.
he had 15.5 sacks in fucking 14 games! TMQ's world - sacks bad, INT's bad, cheerleaders good. Got it. I bet you don't like Alex Rodriguez do you Easterbrook?
More importantly, the pair of deals means the Saints have mortgaged a chunk of their future for two players that the state of New Jersey did not wish to retain. Usually, when a team wants to get rid of a player, there's a reason.
of all the stupidity in this column, maybe this takes the cake. Most trades are bad, is the claim. Rasheed Wallace, Kevin Garnett, Randy Moss, Curt Schilling, Shaquille O'Neal (not the latest disaster for Phoenix, I mean the Miami one), a billion other examples of trades helping teams. These were all players that their teams did not want for various reasons, all turned out to be awesome swindles.
Wait, that one isn't even close to the next bit of lunacy.
Philadelphia: Five of the past six years, the Eagles' highest draft choice has been a lineman -- three defensive tackles, a defensive end and an offensive tackle. Add to that another defensive end chosen with the team's second of two second-round selections in 2007, and Andy Reid has gone line-heavy in a spectacular way. Reid's Eagles always have strong offensive stats, despite using few high draft choices on running backs and wide receivers.
49 sacks.
This follows TMQ's rule that football success is primarily determined by line play, away from the ball that the sportscasters are watching. For three seasons now, sports pundits have talked nonstop about Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook, missing the line-play aspect of the Eagles' success.
they finished last in their division, last also in 2005.
Line play was the primary reason that, in 2007, Philadelphia was ranked sixth on offense and 10th on defense -- the NFL's only double top-10 team not to reach the playoffs.
49 sacks, 28 in 2006 (pretty good), 48 in 2005; rankings of 28th, 8th, 21st. That's right, fifth worst O-Line in the league last year. He had to have looked this up right? Come on. Is he fucking with us or what? Is this column all sarcastic? Like a sendup of itself? If so, bravo Mr.Easterbrook, I salute you, you are indeed a card!
The Rams, 15-28 since Mike Martz departed, are at the nadir of a talent cycle. Their Super Bowl players are either gone or aging. Brett Romberg, Quinton Culberson, O.J. Atogwe -- these are just a few of the household names expected to start for St. Louis this year.
Charlie Johnson, Gijon Robinson, Tyjuan Hagler -- these are just a few of the household names expected to start for Indianapolis this year.
Sean Mahan, Ryan Clark, Brett Keisel -- these are just a few of the household names expected to start for Pittsburgh this year.
Will Heller, Brandon Mebane, Darryl Tapp -- these are just a few of the household names expected to start for Seattle this year.
This is fun! Try your own.
Alex Smith, the first overall draft pick of 2005, will hold the clipboard. TMQ can't help but think that if Smith had been chosen in the second round instead of at the top of the first, his career would be going a lot better.
based on what? What's that? Nothing. Oh. Business as usual then, much like your "the 49 sack Philly O-Line is awesome you guys!" call.
But the standard dismissive comment about the Hawks -- "they're just a system team" -- drives TMQ crazy. If so, why doesn't everybody adopt their system? Transplant the Pittsburgh Steelers or Carolina Panthers to the Emerald City, give them the same record and results over the past five years, and football pundits would yak nonstop about how great they were. Instead, the Seahawks barely even get mentioned.
what does this mean? Do you mean the Steelers/Carolina's records? They aren't that far off Seattle's btw, all went to Superbowls. In fact, I'd almost say these two teams are two of the closest to Seattle in terms of on field performance/track record. Definately above average, and usually consistantly so, but not by much. Oh, I think on like the fifth reading it's because Carolina/Pittsburgh are perenial sleepers...is that what he means? Should reading a sports column be this much fucking work? Pittsburgh aren't even sleepers at all generally. You literally are giving me a headache.
This isn't about sport (of course not, it's TMQ time!) but it's so laughable, I had to throw it in. Contains Dark Knight spoilers BTW
The latest Batman installment is a hit, and well-made from a cinematography standpoint, but the Joker character was unrealism carried to an extreme, even by Hollywood's low standards.
the dude in the batsuit, with access to state of the art militant weaponary, who is also a billionaire playboy who flies through the windows of buildings - apparently OK, but a guy who paints his face and kills people, hang on a minute here! Something smells funny about this!
The Joker has hundreds of obedient, superefficient henchmen, including surgeons and high-ranking police officers, who serve him without question -- even though they know he murders his own henchmen.
it's not hundreds at all, it's a few, and for most of the film, if Gregg paid any attention, The Joker has access to the entire criminal underworld's services, so they aren't actually his henchmen at all. He even tells one of the mobsters that his men work for him now, near the very end of the film, after they had been essentially contracted out to Joker for most of the film. I do kind of agree it's a bit weird they did it, knowing he'd kill them at the drop of the hat, but they were desperate, batman was fucking shit up and generally doing his batman like thing.
The Joker knows things no one could possibly know, such as what street the police van carrying Harvey Dent will turn down during a wild chase. (He has henchmen positioned on that street, one of dozens the van might have turned down). The Joker can get poison into the police commissioner's private office without anyone suspecting anything. City officials make a sudden decision to load several hundred people into ferries; in just a few hours, Joker is able to place thousands of pounds of explosives aboard the ferries without anyone noticing, plus rig devices to take over the ferries' engines. Joker is able to move thousands of pounds of explosives into Gotham General Hospital without anyone noticing. Positioning the explosives for the two giant-blast sequences in "The Dark Night" would have required large trucks and a front-loader carrying multiple heavy objects through places crawling with police officers without anyone noticing. Joker always knows exactly where everyone he wants to kill is in a huge city (how?)
let's leave aside the obvious point that Easterbrook would be just a huge downer to take to a movie, or any social function really, with this ridiculous hyperanalysis and just a buzzkill for the ages. He's just fucking wrong. Listen carefully Gregg, it's said in the movie several times. Harvey Dent can't fucking shut up about it in fact. It's a key plot point, it's WHY he goes on a killing spree at the end. The Joker also says it to the commissioner in the interrogation room, you know when he says "what about your men commissioner? Assuming they are still your men?". That's called an allusion. Let me spell it out.
THE JOKER/MOB HAVE MEN ON THE INSIDE. THEY ARE TIPPING THE MOB/JOKER OFF.
Joker steals from the mob, yet no mob soldier simply shoots him
they threaten this explicitly when he first confronts him. You know? The black guy? There's also the guy he kills with the pencil thing? One of the films most famous scenes? No? Fell asleep Gregg? I probably would too if I had the dull internal monologue of "TMQ". Did you watch this film or read crib notes? You know that guy they kill? He put a BOUNTY on the Joker. They keep him alive because a) he threatens to blow them up with explosives in his jacket and b) they dislike him, but they need batman gone, and he's the one man who seems likely to accomplish that goal.
Joker has a bomb sneaked into the jail where he's being held -- somehow he knew in advance what cell he would be in! -- and it blasts open the jail wall, plus kills all the police officers standing around the Joker, but does not hurt him.
this, I grant you, was a bit weird, but I'm gonna let it go on account of general coolness, something you will never understand Gregg.
Washington: The Redskins were fast becoming the federal government of the NFL, with two people owning the title Associate Head Coach: Al Saunders and his 700-page playbook, and Gregg Williams and his ultracomplex defense. Maybe the Redskins should file Environmental Impact Statements for their plays!
Ugh, you suuuuuuck. Is this the biggest nerd in history? Honestly, he giggles at cheerleaders, makes up a psuedonym that no one else finds cool except him, refers to himself in the third person (like The Shermanator) and enthusiastically laughs at his own jokes about bureaucratic red tape such as "Environmental Impact Statements". 50/50 that he has a clubhouse.
Next Week: For seven years, the lead-up to my annual all-haiku predictions column...
60/40
0 comments:
Post a Comment