Oh boy. Have you come to the right place for all your pun, Eckstein, Red Sox, Yankee Stadium and pitching win needs! No, we're not a subidiary of Sportscenter, but if it's cliches, lack of thought, and an absolute contempt for your readership you're looking for, look no further than Bottom of the Barrel favourite,Scott Miller. For those of you not acquainted with Scott, he writes for Sportsline and is suitably terrible.
Weekend Buzz: Boston's Pedroia playing like league MVP
this would be the "Buzz" for people who don't actually follow baseball.
"Um...Yankees right? Like "da Sawx"? Eckstein...puns...October (THERE'S ONLY ONE OCTOBER!)"
You'll catch on quick, trust me.
The Weekend Buzz as you were digesting the Barack Obama-Joe Biden ticket while preparing to watch this week's Republican National Convention, because whatever side you're on, we can all agree that the more informed we are, the better off we are...
o...k? Remarkably serious Scott.
1. Dustin Pedroia, Willie Shoemaker and mint juleps
what do they have in common? Nothing. Scott doesn't explain, I'm not even joking.
The Red Sox have found their balance in the aftermath of eighty-sixing Manny Ramirez, and no small part of it comes from their gymnast-looking second baseman who, in a season devoid of obvious AL Most Valuable Player candidates, is more and more looking like one.
Pedroia is 21st in OPS, 16th on RC/27, 15th in XBH and hey, what about this dude?
"I never thought I was going to walk a (bleeping) jockey," Guillen told reporters. "Walking a guy who just came from being on top of Big Brown.
"Right now, he's on a roll. This guy right now is on fire. No matter what you throw up there, he's going to get it. I can't believe you can change professions in one year, go from the Kentucky Derby to the Boston Red Sox ballpark."
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary of Translating Ozzie Guillen, of course, what that means is that the White Sox manager is thoroughly impressed with Pedroia.
oh that Ozzie! He is so inimitable isn't he? One of the games true characters! Ho! Ho! Ho! Yes, he is indeed a larrikin! No...not larrikin, that's not the word, what is it? Oh yeah, retarded that's right. Let's quote him in my column in order to boost my already shaky case. After all, Mariotti's gone, someone has to quote Ozzie now.
He's marveling at Pedroia's knack for being a nuisance, cringing at Pedroia's penchant for pest-ism.
awwwwwwww! Look at de widdle Pedwoya! He can bawewy hold the bat, it's bigger than him! He's such a cutey-wutey widdle gymnast/jockey/pest/nuisance. I could jwust eat him up wid a spoon!
Seriously, how fucking patronising are these sportswriters? He's an athlete and a grown man. Stop treating him like a lap dog, he's not something to marvel at and gawk at like it's a miracle he's playing here at all. He's a major league baseball player, treat him with the appropriate respect.
I mean fuck, all that's missing here is a David Eckstein reference.
Pedroia? He led the AL through Sunday in batting average (.327) and led the majors in runs (106) and hits (183). His appearance in the cleanup spot Saturday and Sunday marked only the fourth and fifth times since 1956 that a Red Sox second baseman hit in that slot.
what's amazing is how much effort Miller went to get that 1956 stat and yet he won't glance for a moment at OPS. It's pretty staggering, almost all of this is irrelevant and the article presents a terrible case for Pedroia, who is like the fourth most valuable Red Sox.
2. Sanford's sons: Huge week for a couple of kids from Sanford, Fla.
Shortstop David Eckstein, Most Valuable Player of the 2006 World Series, re-joined a real, live pennant race when Toronto mercifully traded him to Arizona.
and there it is.
And talk about lending some support in the dog days of a season gone sour for the Nats. Just back from Beijing, Eckstein no doubt arrives with plenty of stories. For instance ...
"You can order any type of dog you want," Eckstein said. "I didn't want to try any of that."
Woof.
get it? GET IT? Dog days of August - eating dogs? Fuck Miller has this writing thing down, what a smooth transition.
3. Yankees announce season ticket prices for new ballpark: Let's just say, you could take your family of four to Italy and it would set you back less than taking them to a game at new Yankee Stadium.
it's funny because it's false. Apparently.
5. Carlos Zambrano misses Sunday start with tired arm: Listen, Carlos. You think your arm is tired? That fatigue is NOTHING compared to the generations of antsy Cubs fans who are expecting great things in October. So rest up. Get a massage. Have some warm milk. Whatever. JUST BE BACK AND BE RESTED BY OCTOBER OR THEY'LL SEND THE GOAT AFTER YOU!
oh yeah, the Cubs, add that to the list of cliche's. By the way, this is what Miller is paid for. This is "analysis". It's only #5 of ten, it's only going downhill kids, brace yourselves.
6. Philadelphia acquires Matt Stairs: Good idea for a club still trailing the New York Mets by one game in the NL East. Now, instead of running the same ol' treadmill each day, they can take the Stairs.
I swear to God, it says it. Go look for yourself. This is the quality of your sportswriting America.
7. The onion rings were extra: Minnesota knew the monster 14-game, 15-day trip would be a turning point in its season, and you know how it is on the road. You'd better eat well.
So when the Twins, battling a tired bullpen and the Chicago White Sox, acquired reliever Eddie Guardado from Texas for a kid pitcher named Mark Hamburger last week, Guardado asked Rangers general manager Jon Daniels this:
"You traded me for a hamburger?" Guardado said. "Where's the fries and milkshake, at least?"
Hamburger is his LAST name AND it's a FOOD. Genius.
Thanks folks, he's available for bar-mitzvah's and weddings!
3 comments:
I don't think Pedroia is a good MVP candidate (like you pointed out he isn't even the best candidate on his own team) but he is having a great season this year. The kind of season David Eckstein can only dream about. Really the only valid comparison between them is that they're short white middle infielders. Pedroia right now is way better than Eckstein ever has been or will be.
You're right, all this scarappy, gritty crap is patronizing and insulting the players it's supposedly praising. A guy like Eckstein probably needs it to justify keeping his big league job but Pedroia doesn't deserve it.
I was going to try and refute an argument Dustin Pedroia is having a year where he is among the top 5 in the AL in hitting that Peter King made and I actually could not do it. Pedroia is having a hell of a year and as sad as it is to say, he should be embarrassed to be even mentioned in the same sentence as Eckstein.
I read somewhere today where a writer said the Eckstein pick up won't pay off until October, because that is his "time." What the hell does that mean? That is like saying Mark Lemke and Jim Leyritz's "time" was October. They just got lucky in one short time span.
Pedroia is good, no question, I have Youklis, Ortiz, Beckett still ahead of him in terms of importance to the team. And let's not forget Varitek ;)
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