Monday, October 20, 2008

0 comments MMQB Review: Dallas Cowboys Update!

I should start calling King Peter's weekly MMQB article the NFC East Review. Until further notice that is what I am going to call it. I realize the Dallas Cowboys are the awesomest team in the world and have the most fans in the world (with the least teeth), but I personally don't really care about them. Apparently ESPN and King Peter King thinks someone does. ESPN had 10 solid minutes of ShitCenter coverage of the Cowboys loss and King Peter leads off his MMQB with more updates on them. I am sorry if anyone reading this is a Cowboys fan or is thinking of becoming a Cowboys fan, but I can't stand them. They last won a playoff game in 1996. 1996!!! Yet their "fans" are still out talking shit about how great the Cowboys are and how great Tony Romo, who looks retarded (now I can put the tag up), is going to kick your team's ass. They are also the absolute sorest losers in history. You would think the last 12 years would have taught them how to lose. I guess not. At a playoff game in 2003, a Dallas Cowboy fan sitting in my favorite team's stadium for a playoff game nonetheless, called my favorite team and their fans "the least courteous fans he has ever seen." Then he and his wife/sister with his children/siblings got up and left the stadium. He was mad because every time Dallas was on offense our part of the stadium was chanting "Quincy Carter" and then clapping five times. Not exactly creative but not obnoxious either.

Enough exposition, on to MMQBNFCEAST.

How does Dallas trading for and signing wideout Roy Williams transition, six-degrees-of-separation style, into a lockout of the players by the owners in 2011? It may not, but I'm here to tell you the danger of a job action hangs over the league and is beginning to influence many business decisions the owners and player agents are making, and this Williams deal is a big example.

(I fall asleep...)

if there is not a new labor deal negotiated by the end of that season, the league will have no salary cap in 2010. That could well morph into a lockout in 2011 because the players are on record as saying once they experience life with no salary cap, they're not going to back to a system with one. And the owners, I feel sure, would rather not play than agree to a cap-less collective bargaining agreement. Thus the chance of a lockout.

This is actually interesting to hear about and scary too. I want my football!

What does this have to do with Roy E. Williams? (How awesome is it that we call him that now?) He sounds like a villain from an old western movie on AMC that I flip past after making sure it is not a Dirty Harry movie.

And in salary and bonuses, Dogra succeeded; Williams will earn $27 million by the end of the 2010 season. When Dogra met Williams to explain the deal Saturday night, he told him, "You're going to earn $27 million before a lockout, if a lockout happens.''

So the players are trying to get their money before the lockout. This makes sense and does not require a good 1,000 words. I don't want football to get locked out!

It was Jones, not the coaching staff, on the field in St. Louis long before Sunday's loss to the Rams watching quarterback Tony Romo, seeing if he was fit enough to be the second quarterback. Jones judged that he was.

How is this a shock? He is one of the most hands on owners in the entire NFL. This is not an example of dysfunction, it is an example of how hands on Jerry Jones is.

Williams was no help Sunday, and he was shut out for the first time in his NFL career.

Let's be fair here King Peter. He did not come to Dallas to have Brad Johnson or Brooks Bollinger throwing the ball to him. He came to Dallas so he and Terrell Owens could fight over the ball until Roy E. Williams murders T.O. in cold blood while Jerry Jones looks on like Emperor Palpatine urging Roy E. Williams to take all those years of anger at having Jon Kitna as his QB out on T.O. I am kidding, he came of course to meet Jessica Simpson and steal her from Tony Romo. Ok, still kidding. I have no idea why they traded for Roy E. Williams but I really, really like typing "Roy E. Williams."

Yes, I just made a Star Wars reference. I am in my mom's attic, she is baking me cookies, and I have never had a girlfriend either.

4. Tampa Bay (5-2). The more I see of the reincarnation of Jeff Garcia, the more I see Doug Flutie with a few more inches and a few more completion-percentage points.

You can call Jeff Garcia gay, you can replace him with Brian Griese, you can not sign him as your starting quarterback and force him to get a job as a backup, and you can make fun of his receding hairline and the fact he has a high pitched voice. Do not compare him to Doug Flutie though. We all love Doug Flutie with his Flutie Flakes and miracle pass at Boston College against Miami as he jumps in his XXS uniform...but there is a reason he could barely beat out Rob Johnson for the starting job in Buffalo, and it was not the fact he is shorter than a hobbit. I have nothing against Doug Flutie but I want to go on record as saying Jeff Garcia scares the hell out of me when my favorite team plays Tampa Bay. Garcia has made the Pro Bowl four times, I would say he is a step above Doug Flutie.

6. Carolina (5-2). "We were so pathetic last week,'' Jake Delhomme said over the cell last night.

Jake, never talk to King Peter. Never.

8. Chicago (4-3). Told Kyle Orton after the game it looked like he was inordinately comfortable in the offense in putting up 34 on the Vikings. (The Bears also scored 14 special-teams points in a 48-41 win over the Vikes.) "I've felt that way since the first game of the season,'' he said.

This brings up a question I have. Do you think King Peter calls a player until he picks up so he can talk to him or he leaves a message on that player's voicemail? I have him pegged for more the "call until they pick up" type.

13. New England (3-2). My big worry for the Pats tonight: In the past four games, the pass defense has allowed foes to complete 69, 86, 48 and 67 percent of their passes. They can't let Jay Cutler get comfy tonight, the way they allowed Chad Pennington and Philip Rivers to get.

Read that sentence about King Peter's worry. The Pats let Chad Pennington and Philip Rivers play well against them and the last four games the competition has completed 69, 86, and 67% of their passes? In all seriousness, what the hell is Jay Cutler going to do to them tonight? He could throw for 94% with 400 yards.

Sebastian Janikowski, K, Oakland. With the sands of time in overtime running through the hourglass, Janikowski bailed out the luckless Raiders with a 57-yard field goal to stun the Jets, 16-13. The kick bent right, then evened out, and it went through the middle of the uprights with the speed of a Papelbon fastball.

A Papelbon fastball? You mean a Game 5 of the ALCS fastball that gets knocked 410 feet for a double or a Papelbon fastball in Game 1 of the World Series that does not actually exist?

I am sorry good Red Sox fans, I really am. They lost, I don't rub it in usually. Just a weird analogy at this present time for Peter King to bring up.

3. I think if the Fox report on Brett Favre is correct about him advising the Detroit Lions with tips on how to beat the Green Bay Packers, his reputation will be irrevocably tarnished in Wisconsin.

I think his reputation will be irrevocably tarnished pretty much throughout football as well. I waited this whole MMQBNFCEAST to find out what King Peter was going to say about his BFF, and no tell lover, Brett Favre's latest betrayal.

I know Favre and former Lions GM Matt Millen are close, and Millen is a great admirer of Favre's. There's nothing illegal about this, if it did happen.

It may not be illegal but I think the entire world is finally seeing Brett Favre's true colors. I almost feel bad for him if this is true. How pathetic.

Favre texted me before the Jets-Raiders Sunday to call the story "total bs ... not true and pretty ridiculous. I'm telling you it's not true. What the hell is their [Fox's] problem?''

We are all assuming in this denial that Brett Favre is telling the truth of course. Even though he is known to lie and try to deceive others in order to get what he wants. Whether it is contacting Minnesota to see if they will trade for him, retiring/unretiring, or ensuring he gets traded to get what he wants, Brett always knows how to manipulate and look like the good guy. I think Fox's problem is that they don't adhere to "whatever Favre does gets swept under the rug" mantra the rest of the NFL seemed to have his entire career in Green Bay. Brett Favre is not a bad person but I don't believe him when he says he did not do this and I don't think anyone else should believe him either at this point.

No one is out to get Brett Favre. Fox is just reporting the news as they hear it.

But there was one semi-damning quote out of the Lions' locker room Sunday. "No comment,'' said head coach Rod Marinelli, when asked about the report.

I don't think this is damning at all. I would say Marinelli has much more important things to worry about, like not getting fired and figuring out how to help his football team win games, to talk about Brett Favre. I think the most damning evidence is that Jay Glazer is not backing down from his report and Glazer tends to be pretty correct when he reports something.

f. Mewelde Moore said he played "a real patient game, picking and choosing the right holes'' in Cincinnati. Twenty carries, 120 yards, two touchdowns (and another receiving TD) ... call it what you want. All I know is Moore's the latest example of how you can find running backs, and unless it's Adrian Peterson, I'm never drafting one in the first round.

The top 10 rushers in the NFL and what round they were drafted in:

1. Clinton Portis- 2nd
2. Adrian Peterson- 1st
3. Michael Turner- 5th
4. Chris Johnson- 1st
5. Marion Barber- 4th
6. Frank Gore- 3rd
7. Brandon Jacobs- 4th
8. Matt Forte- 2nd
9. Steven Jackson- 1st
10. Thomas Jones- 1st

This is kind of a good point. Based on the above numbers though, I would not wait too long to get a running back in the draft. Of course, not all running backs can be as good as Melwelde Moore, so Pittsburgh just got lucky in picking him up off waivers because no other team wanted him.

c. Damon Huard must wake up some mornings and say, "Was it really worth $1.75 million to come back and endure this?''

I am not going to go all "there are tons of hardworking Americans out there and this man plays a kid's game," but since King Peter comes off as a swarmy know-it-all he should know that Damon Huard gets paid better than 99.9% of the rest of Americans. I think Huard can handle a few losses by his team when many other American's have to wake up in the morning to endure a middle class job with poor health care benefits, a declining economy, a lower than average salary, and the fact his/her retirement fund is being reduced to nothing by the stock market. I think all 99.9% of Americans would take $1.75 million to endure a season like Damon Huard has.

Get some fucking perspective Peter before you start your weekly horseshit lecturing about what you think/know/have thought about/wonder every week. You spend so much time on your pedastal lecturing the rest of your less knowledgeable readers, maybe you should take some time to think about what you fucking write rather than taking a donut and coffee break every five minutes to check your Blackberry to text millionaires all day.

Palmer has talked to Jake Delhomme of the Panthers, who had the ligament replacement surgery that Palmer fears he might be facing, and Delhomme's advice: "I was more trying to reassure him that the surgery works, if that's what he needs. I had more than just that done, but you don't lose your quality of life, and you can be sure the surgery is better now than it was a few years ago, when it was difficult to come back from. I told him it was a very easy rehab. Basically, I told him not to be afraid, that if this is what it was, he'd be able to come back from it.''

Dammit Jake, quit talking to Peter King.

Jason Varitek is as noble a captain as is playing in all of sports today, but he's also a shell of himself, for some reason;

Yes, if it were Varitek's job to captain a ship around the Cape of Africa he would be the most noble of all captains in the world...ever...in...the...history...of the world. Unfortunately he is required to hit a baseball and nobility does not always translate to hitting the ball.

The reason Jason Varitek is "a shell of himself" is because he is 36 fucking years old and plays catcher. If Peter can't figure that question out, he needs to go do some long hard thinking. You can't expect catchers to be 40 years old and playing catcher still while hitting .300 with 20 homeruns and 80 RBI's.

Jacoby Ellsbury went missing.

Check the team's bench. He may be there.

Think the entire media world went crazy over Ellsbury for no reason last year in the World Series? "Ellsbury: Greatest Player Ever?" "Next Great Red Sox is Ellsbury?" "Could Jacoby Ellsbury Be Jesus Brought to Earth To Hit a Baseball?"

I actually think Ellsbury has a great future in the major leagues but I also think there is a reason Coco Crisp was roaming center field for the Red Sox.

I can't wait for Mark Teixiera to play in Boston next year. I wonder what Bill Simmons will say when another Scott Boras client signs with Boston and it is the greatest of all second tier players, Mark Teixiera.

And after TBS came back on the air as Evan Longoria batted, Caray said, "You haven't missed much.'' Right. You saw it all. We saw nothing. To you it's no big deal because you saw it. Thanks for the taunt.

I wonder if Chip Carey's taunt was similar to the "I am a football insider, I know everything about everything and everyone, I get to talk to the players, and I know most of anything that goes on---hey is that a chocolate doughnut" taunts we get every week from King Peter?

f. Coffeenerdness: Sam Farmer, the ace NFL writer for the Los Angeles Times and an underrated guy in cleverness, had this java-related reference to Adam Jones' five-game career with the Cowboys -- if that's all it is: "If it's over, he didn't have a cup of coffee with the Cowboys, he had a shot of espresso.''

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Fucking hilarious! Coffee jokes never get old.

Who I Like Tonight, and I Mean Tony Kornheiser

This may shock you but he chooses New England and thinks Matty Iccccccccccccce Version 1.0 will make enough plays to win the game.

Bill Belichick was right about Drew Bledsoe when he thought he should get rid of him in 2001. He was right about Tom Brady when he thought he should bank the team's future on him in 2001.

Yeah Belichick is such a super smart guy sticking with Tom Brady and all considering the Patriots won the fucking Super Bowl with him as the quarterback. What knowledge this man has! How the hell did he make the decision to get rid of the QB with blood in his chest for the younger guy who just won the fucking Super Bowl! It must have been tons of sleepless nights tossing and turning. To have the guts to make this decision! Amazing!! Phenomenal! It's Belichick!

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