You are all probably like me and woke up this morning after this weekend of football, looked around the room and wondered what the hell was wrong with the Cowboys. I actually woke up with a piece of glass in my left leg, but why would I care about that, I need to know what is wrong with the Cowboys! NOW! I also need to know, is Matt Ryan an elite QB? Fortunately that is why CNNSI pays King Peter King in animal crackers, so they can get this type of information.
On to the MMQBNFCE
Well, everything is not fine with the Dallas Cowboys, even though owner Jerry Jones and coach Wade Phillips would have you believe that it's only a matter of time before it will be.
They are currently 4-2, why hit the panic button now King Peter? Doesn't it seem a bit early?
Even more so now that Tony Romo will be sidelined for up to four weeks with a fracture in his throwing pinkie.
I hope King Peter texted him after the game and it went like this:
(PK): Hey sexy, hows the finger? I hope its still not swoln
(Romo): Is good sorry 2 hurt u like dat could not believe how much u bled but broke pinkie playin futbol 2day
(PK): 2 injured fingers? Need me 2 come over?
(Romo): Nah jess is here, plus i look mildly retarded
(PK): that is offensive 2 mentally handicapped ppl but is true
(Romo): g2g
(PK): how long u out? luv u
(Romo) 4 weeks...see u sunday night a/f futbol
(PK): (giggles to himself) see u then!
Dallas backup Brad Johnson won't be a disaster in relief. He's won a Super Bowl, played in big games, won't be cowed by the Cowboy Nation pressure and has a strong bond with offensive coordinator Jason Garrett.
Really if you were searching for the 4 factors that will have zero bearing on how well Brad Johnson is going to do as the QB, Peter King just nailed them for us.
Won Super Bowl 6 years ago + played in big games 6 years ago + not scared + hangs out with OC= great success
He's a 62 percent passer, lifetime, which is in Romo's range.
Wow, you are really stretching there to compare these two positively. I am going to go ahead and say there are 67 QB's I would rather have starting for me than Brad Johnson, and this list includes Randall Cunningham, who could very well be dead for all I know.
When Bill Parcells walked away from the team 21 months ago, the one thing I feared was Jones hiring the second coming of Barry Switzer, a man he could manage and control.
Odd choice of words here. Peter did not "worry" or "hoped did not happen," but he actually "feared" this would happen, like he has some personal stake in the outcome. King Peter is odd, so I will pass this one by, but put it in my "potential bias" notebook for later use if needed.
I thought about the Cowboys a lot in the wee hours of this morning, trying to put two and two together about their slide.
Dallas lost its starting QB to an injury, two of its cornerbacks to an injury and a possible suspension, really has no second receiver, and refuses to give their equally talented running backs equal amounts of carries. Still, Peter has to stay up until the wee hours of the morning to think about what is wrong. I don't need to stay up long to figure out what is wrong with Peter.
He was staying up late eating lasagna.
But whatever Jerry Jones says to the players behind closed doors, what he's saying to the public is: We've got an asylum here, and the inmates are running it.
The inmates have been running the asylum for nearly 20 years now. How in the hell King Peter just came to this realization is beyond me. There is a book out now, called "Boys Will Be Boys" by Jeff Pearlman that maybe Peter should take a gander at. It should help him clear this situation up.
The long-term answer in Dallas is to shed some of the prima donnas and go back to the way the team was built in the Parcells days. In other words, big turds need not apply.
This team of turds was partially built by Parcells. He did sign Terrell Owens and the only other real turd is Pacman Jones, who Parcells did not sign, and I think everyone knew that was a mistake.
I would also like to clear up the Parcells days had the team winning 0 playoff games, while the fun and cocaine loving Jimmy Johnson/Barry Switzer days had them winning three Super Bowls...so King Peter doesn't have a great point here. Get good players that are too smart to be arrested should be the real solution.
1. New York Giants (4-0). Jints entered the weekend first in the league in yards per game, points per game, rushing yards per game and in the top three in points allowed and passing yards allowed. This is the best all-around team in football right now.
What a noble and thrill seeking statement King Peter just made. I would have to say if a team was first in these categories and top 3 in the other categories, then yes, that team would be the best overall football team right now. If not, I would love to see the team that is the best all around.
17. (tie) Chicago (3-3). Not to paint the town rosy, but the play of Kyle Orton is more good than bad.
A stunning and absolutely breath taking review of Kyle Orton. Just what you are looking for in a quarterback! Sure he sucks but most of the plays he runs are for positive yardage over negative yardage.
Of course, that could be how the Raiders drafted JaMarcus Russell.....
Offensive Player of the Week
Matt Ryan, QB, Atlanta.
Folks, we may be seeing the game's next great quarterback growing up before our very eyes. To complete 22-of-30 for 301 yards, one TD and no interceptions against a defense that hounds the quarterback as well as Chicago does is a tremendous feat for a quarterback in his sixth pro game.
You know King Peter puts on some Barry White when he starts typing about Matt Ryan, just to get in the mood. Stewart Mandel of SI.com may have his Mailbag Crush but King Peter King has his MMQBQB crush and it is Matt Ryan.
He is so dreamy, that Matt Ryan..........
Geno Hayes, LB, Tampa Bay. The rookie sixth-round pick from Florida State did something he shouldn't have been able to do. He busted through an inexplicable gap between veterans who should know better -- Na'il Diggs and Dante Rosario --
Dante Rosario is in his second year in the league. Not an excuse but he is not a veteran, unless anyone who has been in the league more than one year is a veteran.
What would you say if I told you Abraham had been on the sidelines, through five games, for 138 of the Falcons' 320 defensive snaps, and it had been done that way by design? Abraham, through five games, was playing 57 percent of the snaps.
I would say this is called rotating defensive ends. King Peter is talking about platooning or rotating defensive lineman to keep them fresh, here with John Abraham, as if this is the absolute most novel concept that has ever existed. Granted, this is usually done with defensive tackles because they are so fat and get tired easily but Abraham is different. See, he is a wimp.
"It hasn't been just for preservation,'' said Smith. "It's been for effectiveness. Different players have different muscular efficiency, and what we're doing here is trying to maximize that in our guys.''
Translation: He gets hurt all the time and I want to minimize the amount of time on the field he spends so he has a chance of playing all 16 games in a year. Also, he plays 4 plays and his body breaks down like a paper mache football.
But it seems to make sense with a guy like Abraham, who has missed 31 games due to injury in his previous eight NFL seasons.
In other words, he is a wimp.
And I am not taking my frustration out on Abraham because he has been personally responsible for two of my favorite team's offensive players having season ending surgeries because Abraham is do damn fast and hard to block. I would not do that.
h. It's been a long time -- maybe back to Danny Wuerffel -- since I've been as wrong on a player as I was about Michael Turner. He's a much, much better runner in traffic than I thought, a bull to bring down.
Unless you want to count your Cleveland Browns prediction for this year and the prediction you made that Yunel Escobar would be in the top 5 in MVP voting in the National League. Discounting those of course...and those are just off the top of my head.
It sounds totally illogical, but I bet Jerry Jones calls the Eagles and tries to pry Lito Sheppard away.
He can call but I bet the Eagles don't answer or ask for a 1st and 2nd round pick in return. I would lose all respect for Andy Reid and take back everything I said positive about him the other day if he trades the best 3rd CB in the league to his division rival. This would/should never happen.
See: Favre, Brett
d. Offensive mayhem? What offensive mayhem? Wes Welker's on pace to catch 115 balls.
One person's statistics. Disproves any theory the Patriots offense is struggling, so just ignore the 3 points they put up last night.
His yards per catch are down a yard and a half also.
h. Stewart Bradley, the invisible Philly middle linebacker
Well no wonder he is so good, he is invisible.
I seriously thought about this for a minute and how awesome would it be if a player on the football field was invisible? Just imagine a player running and being tackled by what seems to be nothing...I think I am the only one that thinks this would be grand.
Just imagine it though. Terrell Owens would absolutely refuse to go over the middle if this happened.
is among the five underrated really good players in the NFL.
"Five underrated really good players." I love these specific titles players get from King Peter.
Do you know who is among the top five underrated really shitty players in the NFL?
1. Brooks Bollinger- no one knows how bad he really is at throwing a slant because he does not play.
2. DeShaun Foster- he runs backwards sometimes...seriously...then he fumbles...seriously, he did this twice in a game.
3. Bubba Franks- has been so bad for so long, he is now considered good.
4. David Carr- Michael Jackson gloves, Fabio hair, and the nerves of a skittish cat in the pocket.
5. Gerard Warren- so fat and so bad. Speaking of fat and bad.............
b. At some point, JaMarcus Russell has to go from young quarterback making his way in this league to an efficient NFL quarterback. He played an "F'' game at New Orleans, and I'd grade him lower if I could. His judgment on medium and deep throws was as bad as his accuracy. His tools are tremendous, obviously, but the disconnect between his ability and actual play is too much.
Read that sentence again and then wonder, as I do, why scouts pay so much damn attention to "tools." I don't know if there is a bigger criticism than "the disconnect between actual play and ability is too much."
Though it makes me wonder how you know someone has ability if it does not translate to actual play? So basically, the guy just looks like he should be able to play well.
c. I know I'm not there in that locker room, and I know LaDainian Tomlinson is still a fabulous player, but I don't understand after what we've seen from Darren Sproles, how the Chargers can call a game and put the ball in his hands three times from scrimmage, as they did against New England last night.
They won 30-3, that's how.
f. There's something about Matt Cassel, and I found myself searching for the right trait watching him in San Diego.
Matty Iceeeeeeeeeeeeeee Version 1.0.
"Stinks" would be the word I am using.
c. Three of the six Red Sox playoff games have lasted until 1:25 a.m. or later. I agree with Bob Costas: These games, even the ones that don't go into extras, are just too long. Captivatingly long, but too long. The umps need to tell the pitchers, particularly with bases empty, to adhere to the quicker pace they've been told to keep.
What's that sound? Is that a Wah-mbulance coming? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!!!!!!!!
The game is at 4:30pm today, I hope that is more manageable for you Peter. Do you know what time my favorite team's games come on television? Absolutely fucking never o'clock. That is way too late for me.
You could also just go to California and watch the game with Bill Simmons and live blog it. Please do this.
h. Weird chemistry on The Office. We need Pam back.
Yeah, all one episode without her being seen was too much. Combine that with the total 2 episodes that have been shown this year and this show needs a major overall. Maybe they should add a fat ass sportswriter who has his head up his ass. I know of one.
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