Thursday, December 23, 2010

8 comments An Early Christmas Wish List

If change is progress, then it is my most sincere hope that progress can be had in the world of sports. I'm not asking for major changes, as I do quite often. Just a few things that Santa could and should make happen.

1. Abolish AP Player of the Year in College Football. We already have the Heisman. ESPN is wasting one of its headline stories on this when I could be reading something more newsworthy.

2. Get off Rex Ryan's back for the foot fetish video (which he did not even deny). And no, I do not have a foot fetish. The reason why I care is that it makes me think about Rex Ryan and his sex life. Don't believe me? When I say to you, "don't think about Penguins," what's the first thing you think about? That's what I thought.

3. Have Ohio State and Boise State play each other for a spot in the Big 10. If Boise wins, they move into the Big 10 and Ohio State into the WAC (it sort of works geographically). If they lose, everything remains the same.

4. Have someone smack Phil Jackson. He doesn't like working on Christmas? When you make that kind of money, you have no right to make such a comment. If he cleaned toilets, maybe I'd be more forgiving.

5. Add more playoff teams to the MLB. And just because it would be funny, have a one game, win or go home system for every round.

6. Add a 16 man, non-post players 1-on-1 contest to the NBA All-Star Weekend (Although a Shaq vs. Dwight Howard matchup would be interesting). Kobe vs. LeBron would settle a lot of office debates.

7. Force Rashard Lewis to shave his goatee. He is not an Egyptian pharaoh.

8. Force all general managers to publicly explain every trade they make. Who wouldn't want Isiah Thomas to explain in-depth every move he made during his tenure as Knicks GM? Or what about David Kahn? There are a lot of dumb moves out there in need of explanation.

9. Ban Bill Simmons from Twitter. I really do enjoy his column, but his latest tweet (as of when I'm writing this) was "14 straight, 22-4 overall + all 4 losses were winnable games in the last minute. Ladies and gentleman, the 2011 Boston Celtics!!!" and then, "Check that: 23-4 overall. And with no Perkins, no Delonte, no Jermaine's corpse and (lately) no Rondo. Once again, your 2011 Boston Celtics!" Thanks for that, Bill.

10. Have Tom Brady and Peyton Manning switch teams for 3 years (you need multiple years to develop some sort of rapport with the team and familiarity with the offense) so we can finally settle the debate of who's better. There's really no other way to do it that I can think of.

11. Find a way for every illegal TV website to broadcast in HD. If you're not in front of a TV during an important game, this one is crucial.

12. Disallow recent former players from analyzing sports on ESPN. Or at least require them to pass an English language test beforehand.

13. Institute a rookie salary scale in the NFL. JaMarcus Russell should not have a dollar to his name. Okay, well, maybe more than nothing. But not millions.

14. Invite every sports fan to an NHL arena for free. If they do not enjoy watching hockey live, they are not sports fans.

15. Have the 5 best players of the UConn Women's Basketball team (all players who participated in the streak are eligible) play a game to 11 against a terrible division I Men's team. Not a team from the big six conferences, but someone from the Big South or something. Kinda curious how that would play out.

16. Broadcast the MLB draft on TV with potential 1st round picks invited to some grand location. Who wouldn't want a Mel Kiper type on ESPN explaining whom exactly his team is drafting? Let's be honest: no one really knows anything about MLB draft picks until they reach the Big Leagues.

17. Film Hard Knocks with every NFL team every single season. Well, at least more than one team. One show for five weeks is simply not enough behind-the-scenes access. And it's not like HBO will refuse the monetary gain.

18. Require Paul Pierce to be clean shaven. The whole "I can't grow any facial hair except for random tufts so I'll wear them proudly" look simply does not work. He's holding onto his scraps like a bald guy.

19. Have the 2nd and 3rd man (the non play-by-play guys) of the ESPN Monday Night Football TV Broadcast be chosen by vote each season. Any current ESPN on-air employee would be eligible. Maybe Tony Kornheiser would still have a job. Or what if, Hannah Storm and Tony Kornheiser got voted in together? The possibilities are endless.

20. The Giants win the Super Bowl. Okay, that might be a little biased.

8 comments:

Nunyer said...

4. Have someone smack Phil Jackson. He doesn't like working on Christmas? When you make that kind of money, you have no right to make such a comment. If he cleaned toilets, maybe I'd be more forgiving.

I'm going to take you to task on this one. In general, I'm not a fan of the "but you make so much money!!" line of reasoning and this is no exception.

Phil Jackson would rather spend time with his family on the Christmas holiday and not coach basketball. No amount of money is going to mitigate Phil's desire to spend time with his family on Christmas. You can't give him that?

I'm glad that you clearly have a price that could get you to not be with your family on Christmas, apparently Phil does as well, I doubt he calls in sick... But I wouldn't throw either one of you under the bus for not exactly being happy about it.

Bengoodfella said...

I would say the only wish I don't like the is the thing about OSU and BSU playing each other and then putting them in different conferences. I say just put BSU in the Pac-10 or the Big 12 (or whatever it is called now) and let them have a shot at being a part of the BCS...or having a playoff, which would be easier.

You know I completely agree with #12, that's a layup for me.

#13 is a big one as well and not just b/c my team will probably (Steelers/Falcons willing) have the #1 overall pick. Rookie salaries aren't terrible as the draft goes on but the Top 10 picks tend to get a lot of money for never having played in the NFL before.

As far as the UConn women playing a team from the Big South...I don't know if they would stand a chance. Of course it could be a team that is terrible, but even then I would put my money on the guys team. Nothing against girls basketball of course, it's just there is a height/athleticism differential that can't be met by the women.

As far as Phil Jackson goes, I'm Switzerland. I don't care that he said it and I see both sides. I've worked in retail before and had to work on Christmas away from my family so I get how making a ton of money would make me feel better, but I also didn't enjoy doing Christmas in the back of a car meeting halfway with my family before I went to work.

So I can see both sides. More money would have probably made me feel better about having to work Christmas but I wouldn't like it either way. I think it is just disconcerting to hear Phil Jackson complain about it when other people who make less money have to do it as well.

Either way, it is entertaining to watch the games.

ivn said...

If Boise wins, they move into the Big 10 and Ohio State into the WAC (it sort of works geographically)

just like the Dallas Cowboys in the NFC East!

I'm not opposed completely to the BCS but I think it needs some tweaking, specifically in regards to Automatic Qualifying teams. someone from a major conference can go 8-4 and make it to the Fiesta Bowl because they were born on third base, so to speak, but a team like Boise, TCU, or Utah has to go undefeated just to be considered? doesn't seem right.

then again the same principle kinda qualifies in college hoops (I remember when Georgia went something like 15-17 a few years ago but snuck in after winning the SEC tournament) so there's that...

I really do enjoy his column...

it works because he writes one column a month. which NBA team reminds him of a psycho ex-girlfriend? gotta wait til mid-January!

my Simmons-related wish is that he gracefully retires his "pandering to early-20's college guys" persona. dude's a huge dork and is clearly at his best when he embraces it in his writing, like when he describes Moses Malone's rebounding or Kevin McHale's low-post offense in his last book. all the MTV/porn/stripper analogies didn't bother me quite as much as they bothered guys like Bethlehem Shoals at FD but they were pretty unnecessary. you're 40 years old and you have kids, Bill. writing about strippers in your sports column is fucking creepy.

16. Broadcast the MLB draft on TV with potential 1st round picks invited to some grand location. Who wouldn't want a Mel Kiper type on ESPN explaining whom exactly his team is drafting? Let's be honest: no one really knows anything about MLB draft picks until they reach the Big Leagues.

Mel Kiper gives this suggestion a B-minus.

in response to your comment about Matt Stafford in your picks post: I look forward to the annual Stafford injury because it means the annual phone call to my friend who is a die-hard Lions fan. "Good thing you guys picked Brandon Pettigrew over Mike Oher!"

bonus Christmas wish: you know how when the last undefeated team loses in an NFL season, the members of the 1972 Dolphins pop champagne in the stands? I wish that when the last winless team in the NFL gets a victory, the members of the 2008 Lions crack open cans of Steel Reserve in the stands. that would be awesome.

Dylan said...

Nunyer,

I understand his desire to be with his family on Christmas. I do have some set of morals, however deeply buried it may be. I was just saying that this is not something he pronounces publicly. To make himself seem like he's suffering is what I have the problem with.

Ivn,

I completely agree about the BCS. It needs to go. I just want a grudge match so the Ohio State president can see that his institution is not that much better than Boise in football (if they are even better in the first place). I just want to see a heated football game.

Regarding Simmons, I agree that he needs to embrace his inner dork. The porno/stripper references are just way over the top. If he stuck to his guns, he would not have alienated so many readers.

On your bonus Christmas wish, that's a good idea. Another possibility would be for the Lions to give up .01% of their pay from the '08 season to the last team to win a game each season as another reminder that they were terrible.

FJ said...

10. Have Tom Brady and Peyton Manning switch teams for 3 years (you need multiple years to develop some sort of rapport with the team and familiarity with the offense) so we can finally settle the debate of who's better. There's really no other way to do it that I can think of.

I know it's only by one TD, but Brady does own the single season TD record. As far as their respective game-manager abilities go, I hear announcers gush about Manning's audibles every game, but I've been hearing and seeing the same out of Brady since 2001.

I like the comparison of Colts in 2010 vs. Pats in 2006. The Colts are banged up on offense in 2010, and we're seeing how that affects Manning as a QB and how it's affecting the team. In 2006, the Pats had no decent threat at WR, and we saw them go 12-4 and get a play away from the super bowl - with Reche Caldwell dropping the ball on a play that would have iced it.

Both are great; I'll admit I'm a Pats fan and I'd rather have Brady on my team when it counts.

Nunyer said...

I understand his desire to be with his family on Christmas. I do have some set of morals, however deeply buried it may be. I was just saying that this is not something he pronounces publicly. To make himself seem like he's suffering is what I have the problem with.

Certainly wasn't trying to suggest you are morally bankrupt by any means, just rarely do I find the "but he gets paid so well!" argument worthy of much merit.

Also, let's not fool ourselves here in regards to the "pronouncement". I highly doubt Phil Jackson was standing on a street corner, ringing a bell and proclaiming that working on Christmas sucks. Most likely, as in a 99.5% chance, a reporter asked him a direct question and he answered it. How else was he going to answer without making his grandkids feel like 2nd class schmucks?

Dylan said...

Ivn,

I can't say I disagree about wanting Brady when it counts. It's a debate that will never be truly settled. In the end, it's all going to depend on how many titles each ends up with. While this is not always a fair assessment because there is a thing called teammates, it's just the way the media does things.

Nunyer,

You're probably right. I think my main problem with Jackson is his overall smugness and willingness to unecessarily stir the pot sometimes. And I did not mean to say that you think I am morally corrupt. I think we can just end this Phil Jackson debate and talk about whatever Ben or I writes next.

Bengoodfella said...

I am late to this discussion, so I will just add this...Ivn, as far as the BCS goes and your comment about Georgia making the NCAA Tourney. They made the NCAA Tournament because they won the SEC Tournament. They stunk but they earned that berth by beating a bunch of teams that were better than them. So I think they deserved the spot personally.