Friday, November 4, 2011

8 comments Having Solved the NBA Lockout, Bill Simmons Ranks the NFL Quarterbacks

Bill Simmons has solved the NBA lockout, so now he is going to rank all 42 NFL quarterbacks. That's right. All 42 NFL quarterbacks. You may ask, "Isn't there only 32 NFL teams." Of course there are, but Bill ranks 10 other quarterbacks that either are retired, are currently starting in the NFL or have never started an NFL game. This is a Bill Simmons ranking system, so naturally rather than just rank the quarterbacks and allow the rankings to speak for themselves he gives them each a category the quarterbacks fall into. These categories are all named after..........wait for it..............still waiting.............New England Patriots quarterbacks. Of course they are! Rather than me explain, I will allow Bill to explain why he did this.

As a Patriots fan for the past four decades, I rooted for the great Tom Brady, the sometimes-great Drew Bledsoe, and the always-dreadful Marc Wilson. I rooted for Matt Cassel during the year when He Wasn't Tom Brady. I rooted for one of the softest QBs who ever lived (Tony Eason), as well as the one of the toughest (Steve Grogan). I rooted for the immortal Scott Zolak in a playoff game.

Really? In a playoff game? Was Zolak not even dressed up for cold weather that chilly day?

I rooted for Matt Cavanaugh, and then, I rooted for him to get traded. I rooted for Bob Bleier during the '87 scab games. (That's right, THE Bob Bleier.) I rooted for Michael Bishop every preseason and fully expected him to turn into the next Randall Cunningham. (Never happened.) Apparently I rooted for Tom Owen, Tom Ramsey and Scott Secules. I barely remember this. I definitely remember rooting against Millen, Zolak, Tommy Hodson and Jeff Carlson when we needed to bottom out for the top pick in the Mirer-Bledsoe draft.

In case you were wondering why we had to sit through Bill discussing every quarterback that has ever played for the Patriots. It is for Bill to show he is an expert on quarterbacks and that is why he is qualified to write this list. What's interesting to me is some of these quarterbacks Bill is listing as those he has seen as a Patriots fan never even started a game for New England. So opening up the category of quarterbacks he "saw" to include backups is not very impressive. Nearly every team has had crappy backup quarterbacks.

We all know Bill has made a bit of a career out of reveling in his team's losing (he wrote an entire book about the Red Sox losing that basically was a re-write of his columns) and he never takes a moment off to remind us of just how tortured his favorite team's fan base truly can be. So in an era when the Patriots have one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL (and the position has been fairly secure since 1993), he still wants us to know that at some point in the past as a Patriots fan he was tortured. Bill wants it both ways. He wants to be a fan of one of the best teams in the NFL, while also being a part of a tortured fan base. I feel bad for Patriots fans that Bill seems to represent them to the general public.

Here's the point: As a Patriots fan, I have seen EVERY level of quarterback play from "transcendent" to "putrid."

That makes you, as a Patriots fan, a member of 20+ NFL team fan bases who have seen this from their NFL team. Congratulations, you aren't special. Even if you really, really want to be, you aren't.

That makes me uniquely qualified to judge the 42 best quarterbacks in 2011 —

I don't mean to generalize about people who are an only child, but if you had to guess whether Bill Simmons was an only child or not, you would immediately guess he was an only child, right? He fits all the stereotypes of someone who got excessive attention from his parents and is used to the world revolving around him. Even if this comment is made in jest, for anyone reading Bill's past writing, he consistently appears to judge himself uniquely qualified to do anything from make up fake rules governing pretty much anything to singlehandedly end the NBA lockout. So it is hard to tell if he is writing this in jest.

Our four best starting QBs play for teams with a combined record of 22-5. This isn't an accident. Why even write a power poll of NFL teams when a QB poll is basically the same thing?

This just in: A quality quarterback is an important for an NFL team to have. I am glad Bill is uniquely qualified to make this observation.

One caveat: We're judging these guys by their ability to win in 2011. That's it. Anyway …

So wouldn’t this mean no quarterbacks that lead a team which is currently 2-6 would be in the Top 10 of this list? No? Great, then this entire exercise is stupid.

What I find really funny about Bill’s contention he has seen all sorts of quarterbacks play for the Patriots is the Patriots have had a Hall of Fame quarterback (or very borderline) start for them every season since 1993. Naturally, while feeling sorry for himself, Bill forgets the Patriots haven’t really had a starting quarterback issue in nearly two decades. Still…that Scott Secules was terrible wasn’t he? Let’s focus more on that.

The Tom Brady Division (Superduperstars)

Not to be confused with the next category of “Superstars.”

1. Aaron Rodgers
2. Tom Brady
3. Peyton Manning

Brady's biggest advantage: Because Rodgers suffered two concussions last year and plays more recklessly in general, you can't count on him in quite the same way. Brady will be there in January barring a fluke injury or another vicious Bernard Pollard assault. (Sorry, I'm still bitter.)

You should probably let it drop and stop pretending Bernard Pollard intentionally tried to injury Tom Brady. Quarterbacks get injured when defensive players attempt to tackle them.

What about Rodgers? He's one more hit away from becoming an ongoing question mark, right? You could say he's on double-secret concussion probation right now.

You could also say he won a Super Bowl while being on double-secret probation and hasn’t had concussion problem (that we know of) for quite a few months now. Also, I am not sure it is smart to critique a quarterback’s overall skill at the position in relation in any way with a potential injury. It's not like injuries can be predicted and Rodgers hasn't seemed to have any effects from his concussion for quite a few months now.

The Young Drew Bledsoe Division (Superstars)

4. Ben Roethlisberger

The last "I know I can win a title with this guy" guy. Are you frightened? Only 36 dudes left.

So is Bill saying this is the last quarterback a person knows he can win a title with? If so, that’s ridiculous. Especially since one quarterback the category below this one won a Super Bowl with his team.

I love watching Ben Roethlisberger play football. Nobody saves more plays, nobody takes a bigger beating and nobody makes more out of less.

It helps in taking the beating he takes that Roethlisberger is a huge guy. Just thought I would throw that in there.

The 1986 Tony Eason Division (All-Stars)

10-4 as a starter, 3,328 passing yards, 19 TDs, 10 INTs, 89.2 passer rating, won the AFC East title … that was a real season! Sure, it ended with Tony turtling in the end zone for a Rulon Jones safety when we were down three in Denver in the final minutes, but still, that was a real season!

Oh…when “we” were down three in Denver in the final minutes. I didn’t know Bill played for the Patriots back then. Since we all know it is stupid to use “we” in that context.

The good news: Rivers would be 2011's "What the eff is wrong with him?" NFL star if not for Chris Johnson, who's had at least 30 carries this season that made him look like Deena or Snooki starting to lunge at someone in a bar and immediately being tackled by three bouncers who carried her 10 feet backwards.

That’s what it has come to for Bill Simmons. At this point he is making overly-long analogies to reality television shows that few people care about anymore. Remember when Bill’s writing felt crisp and like a breath of fresh air in the stuffy world of sportswriting? I barely remember this…and I am forgetting more and more everyday.

7. Cam Newton

This seems crazy. I know.

It is crazy at this point. Jump off the Cam Newton bandwagon of over-hype and unrealistic expectations.

Just remember, he'll keep getting better and better … and from what we've already seen, he can make any throw, extend any play and make things happen with his legs whenever he wants.

He is also good at missing open receivers and hasn’t won games for his team, which should preclude him from the list since Bill said these quarterbacks are being judged by their ability to win in 2011.

He's like Steve McNair 2.0 crossed with Roethlisberger, only with Jay Cutler's arm.

Newton is very entertaining. After 8 games into his NFL career, he isn’t the 8th best quarterback in the NFL.

More importantly, if you were making a list of "Football Players I Wish Were On My Team For the Next Decade For Sheer Entertainment Value," it would be Rodgers, Newton, Calvin Johnson and Adrian Peterson in some order. That's a pretty good no. 1 pick. So there.

“Newton is a member of a list I just arbitrarily put together, so because I believe my opinion means something in the larger context of the NFL, then this means a lot and should be taken as meaning something outside of this just being my personal opinion.”

8. Eli Manning

Considering Manning has won a Super Bowl, wouldn’t he be a guy you know you could win a Super Bowl with as your quarterback?

Eli's résumé since January 2008: 34-20 (regular season), 4-1 (playoffs), one Super Bowl ring, two 4,000-yard passing seasons, 96 TDs, 57 picks, 90+ QB rating, played every game, part of the luckiest play in football history (I'm not even going there),

New York Giants fans would like to say a big "fuck you" to Bill Simmons for that comment. Bill just can't get over the fact the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Much like Kobe's 6-24 Game 7 in 2010 Bill is going to be bitter and refuse to accept his team lost.

Also, this comment by Bill is the old, "I'm going to mention something and then say I am not going to mention it, even though I did just mention it by saying I wouldn't mention it" way of talking about a topic.

The Young Steve Grogan Division (Borderline Franchise Guys)

10. Matt Ryan
11. The RomoCoaster

Combined record: 79-41. And yet … they both make me pee-in-my-pants nervous every time I wager on them, so I can only imagine how their fans feel.

So Bill is basing his opinion of Tony Romo and Matt Ryan not on how good they are as quarterbacks, but how they make him feel when he wagers on them. Again, Bill is egotistical enough to use the moniker "The Sports Guy" when he only follows his favorite teams in each sport closely and bases his evaluation of a quarterback on how he personally feels when gambling on that quarterback. And yet, he has a ton of fans who would lose a limb while defending Bill's honor.

It really does amaze me Bill has such a loyal fan base considering he uses old and forced pop culture references and makes nearly every single sports-related article he writes either about him or about his favorite teams. I don't hate Bill's writing overall, but the bad parts of his writing seem to be getting worse over time.

Our last six Super Bowl winning QBs since 2004 (the year they started making the rules more pass-friendly)

You can thank Colts GM Bill Polian for that one — the rules mysteriously changed after the Pats roughed up Indy's receivers in the 2003 playoffs, followed by the first bump in QB numbers. And we've never looked back.

And yet, these rules we can all thank Bill Polian for have also benefited the Patriots because they throw the ball very effectively with Brady as their quarterback. So I am not sure if Bill Simmons is complaining about these rule changes, but they were changed AFTER his team benefited from the previous rules and now his team benefits from the changed rule due to their excellent passing game.

12. Matt Schaub

Porn name: Luke Warm. Can you remember an above-average QB provoking less opinion over a longer period of time? If I effusively praised Schaub, you'd think this was bizarre.

Thanks for telling me how I feel, but no I wouldn't think it was bizarre. He's playing very well and is a quality quarterback.

I could see him finishing his career two games over .500 with no playoff wins, and then Houston retiring his number and not being able to fully form an opinion about it.

And as always, Bill's opinion on a player completely represents everyone's opinion on a player. Bill has gone from writing the way you and your friends talk to each other to believing he writes what you and your friends actually believe.

13. Matt Stafford If He Stays Healthy

The "If" is pulsating right now. Look, some people just aren't built to get hit all the time. For instance, I have a bad back, bad knee and bad shoulder right now. I've always been getting hurt dating back to when I broke my collarbone twice as a kid. My son? He's built like a 1780s blacksmith. All muscle with one of those hard pot bellies. He's fallen down stairs, fallen off beds, fallen off playhouses … it just doesn't matter.

Of course Bill's son is also under the age of 4, so I'm guessing he hasn't gotten hit by any 200 pound human beings and doesn't have 40 years of wear and tear on his body. So Bill's bad back, shoulder, and knee is from 40 years of wear and tear. But seriously Bill, really shitty analogy. Like terribly bad. Well done, if that was your intent. I can see how comparing your injuries to your preschool-aged son's injuries makes great sense as long as you aren't thinking about it too much.

The Jim Plunkett Division (Enigmas)

It has one player, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and it isn't even worth discussing.

The Older Steve Grogan Division (Game Managers)

By the way, naming these divisions after Patriots quarterbacks got old about five divisions back.

And yes, I know it's not his fault that Kenny Britt blew out his knee, or that Chris Johnson is apparently filming a "Whatever Happened to Chris Johnson?" 30 for 30.

In my West Coast fantasy league this week, Chris Johnson was traded for A.J. Green. I wish I was making this up.

You probably also wish we cared or wish this had meaning in terms of the NFL, but it doesn't.

17. Andy Dalton
18. Joe Flacco

I wanted to put Dalton six spots higher but I thought you'd make fun of me. I'm all in on the Red Rifle. He's good. You can't talk me out of this.

So in conclusion, Bill wanted to make Andy Dalton a borderline franchise guy, but he was afraid his readers would mock his opinion, so he didn't. But Bill still believes Dalton is a borderline franchise guy, but he didn't rank him this way because he was afraid what is readers would think, so he didn't rank Dalton that way...but he still believes it. This is what is commonly called "hedging." So Bill can now say he thought Dalton was a franchise player or he could say Dalton was a game manager. So as long as Dalton isn't a complete bust, Bill can say he was right about Dalton.

It is also a wimp move to rank a player a certain way because of how your readers would react.

The Doug Flutie Division (Charisma Guys)

22. Tim Tebow

When I watched football with some friends last Sunday, we put Tebow on one of the four TVs even though Miami and Denver had one win between them. We laughed every time he bounced a pass or sailed one over someone's head — that's just part of the Tebow Experience at this point — and we were riveted anytime he started scrambling. We started cheering when Tebow led the first comeback drive, and when they recovered the onside kick, we had absolutely no doubt that Denver was winning.

Of course, if the Dolphins had won the game then Bill wouldn’t have included this belief Denver would in this column. It just makes me wonder how many times (and I am talking about Gregg Easterbrook here too) a writer is so sure something is happening, but since it didn’t happen this sure-fire belief is edited out of the column.

When they kicked an absurdly long field goal to win the game, we weren't surprised when it hooked left and mysteriously hooked back straight, and we weren't surprised that Tebow was crouched and praying after it went in.

They KNEW this would happen…immediately after it happened they knew.

Can't Tim Tebow just be a super-athletic QB with an erratic arm and possibly mystical powers who bugs the hell out of hardcore football analysts and stat guys because not EVERYTHING about sports has to have a concrete answer? One of my favorite songs of all time is "Nuthin' But a G Thang." Has anyone ever sat around trying to interpret what "It's like this and like that and like this and uh" means? No!

This is what it has come to for Bill Simmons. He says Tim Tebow is the type of quarterback that shouldn’t have a concrete answer because one of his favorite songs of all-time has a line that doesn’t make sense. If Bill Simmons’ writing was part a part of his quarterback rankings he would be in the “Drew Bledsoe on the Dallas Cowboys Division” where we remember how good he used to be, but the results on the field are showing he is past his prime.

And that's the chorus! Not everything has to mean something.

Not everything has to mean something, which is why Bill Simmons just tried to tell us what Tim Tebow means by comparing Tebow’s quarterbacking skills to a song Bill likes. Not everything has to mean something, so Bill uses an analogy to try and decide what this means.

The Hugh Millen Division (20/20 Guys)

23. Kyle Orton

Named this group after Mike Lombardi's theory that some QBs live between the 20s on the field … but as soon as they're in the red zone, you don't want any part of them.

24. Brian Hoyer

Of course this is where the Patriots backup quarterback is. Bill is a Patriots fan after all. I liked Hoyer coming out of Michigan State too, but I wouldn’t put him as the 24th best quarterback since he has 42 career passing attempts.

Also, if Bill is going to list a backup quarterback on this list shouldn't he list Matt Flynn? Flynn is on high on most lists as the best backup quarterback in the NFL. Of course, Bill has probably never heard of Matt Flynn. I find it interesting Bill mentions Aaron Rodgers is an injury risk but fails to rank the backup quarterback to the best quarterback on his own list.

Putting my full faith in Mike Lombardi on this one: Lombardi says that, had he gotten the Niners job, he would have immediately traded for Brady's backup AND that Hoyer would have been Cassel 2.0 (a.k.a. the seasoned backup who learned enough from Brady and Belichick that he could become a competent starter somewhere else).

Because if you can’t trust an out-of-work talent evaluator, then who could you trust? After all, when Lombardi was responsible for college evaluations with the Raiders they did manage to draft guys like Zach Miller, Kirk Morrison, Robert Gallery, Nnamdi Asomugha, and Shane Lechler. Those are the best players from a total of eight drafts worth of picks. Mike Lombardi may be a great talent evaluator, but we shouldn't take everything he said as gospel, especially when the guy he would replace (Alex Smith) has played fairly well this year.

He didn’t have very many 1st or 2nd round busts/underachievers he drafted unless you want to count Tony Bryant, Derrick Gibson, Marques Tuiasosopo, Langston Walker, Doug Jolley, Teyo Johnson, Tyler Brayton, Jake Grove, Fabian Washington, and Michael Huff.

Let’s think about this for a minute. Lombardi would have immediately traded for Brian Hoyer if he had gotten the 49ers job, a guy who is compared to Matt Cassel by Bill. The 49ers hired a different General Manager and did not trade for a quarterback and have turned Alex Smith into a guy who Bill ranked in this very column as being on the same level as Matt Cassel. So Bill is asking us to trust a guy who essentially would have traded to get a quarterback they already had on the roster.

So while I think Brian Hoyer may have a bright NFL future, there’s no way he can be ranked as the 24th best quarterback in the NFL. So now you may ask, “But where is Peyton Manning at?”

25. Peyton Manning

He’s not quite as good as Brian Hoyer for 2011. Knowing full well he is about to get angry emails from Colts fans, Bill starts to compliment Manning, like he didn’t just put him as the 25th best quarterback in the NFL for 2011.

Yes, this Manning right now — at this moment, the one with the still-healing neck that might get worse if anyone popped him even once. Question: If your life depended on winning one game, wouldn't you rather have a semi-crippled Manning over anyone else on this list? Just have him stand seven yards behind center, shotgun every snap and dump the ball anytime any pass-rusher gets close.

“I think Manning is washed up at this point. I also believe among the rest of the crappy quarterbacks on the list he is easily the best of them, which should be obvious to anyone with half a brain based on the fact I ranked Manning above the other quarterbacks on the list.”

By the way, I don't think Manning is coming back. Three neck surgeries in two years? Stem cell treatments in Europe? This seems insane. He won a Super Bowl, set some records and made more than enough money. Why risk it? What's the point?

The point is that Manning is incredibly competitive and doesn’t want his career to end like this. I don’t know if Manning will come back. I think he will. I also know he won’t let his career end like this or will do anything in his power to prevent his career from ending like this.

28. Donovan McNabb

Bill ranks McNabb ahead of Christian Ponder. I find this somewhat odd.

how in God's name was Donovan McNabb (born on November 25, 1976) washed up two years ago? It's not like he suffered a major injury. It's not like his personal life fell apart. Shouldn't he still be thriving? Mike Lombardi's recent report about McNabb's poor work ethic was pretty telling —

So does Bill have a statue at his house dedicated to Mike Lombardi or his hero-worship of Lombardi more of an unofficial thing where he just keeps a picture of Lombardi on the wall in a rarely-used room?

30. Christian Ponder
31. Blaine Gabbert
32. Colin Kaepernick/Jake Locker

Too early to tell, although it's a promising sign that the first two started games without self-combusting. I do think there's something to the theory of rookie QB clusters in high rounds.

For instance, the 2007 draft had the following QBs picked in the first three rounds: JaMarcus Russell (1), Brady Quinn (22), Kevin Kolb (36), John Beck (40), Drew Stanton (43) and Trent Edwards (92). If you needed a young QB that year, you were desperately talking yourself into one of those guys and comparing them against each other … and eventually, that leads to decisions like, "We need to grab Beck right here!" or "Let's take Quinn right in front of Dwayne Bowe."

On the flip side, 2011 had Newton, Locker, Dalton, Ponder, Gabbert and Kaepernick within the first 36 picks, there's a chance every team that picked them lucked out, and nobody else needed a QB

So basically this theory may or may not be true. Thanks for the help, Bill.

which makes you wonder if the last guy in that cluster who fell to no. 74 (Ryan Mallett) might be more of a steal than we thought.

So Bill has officially now mentioned every single quarterback on the Patriots roster at this point in a positive light. I would expect nothing less of the Boston Sports Guy.

The Matt Cavanaugh Division (Hope Usurpers)

35. Rex Grossman
36. John Beck

Redskins fans arguing about Beck and Grossman is like Van Halen fans arguing about Mitch Malloy and Gary Cherone.

So who was the David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar to the Mitch Malloy or Gary Cherone? Donovan McNabb? Jason Campbell? If you are going to make an analogy, at least have it make sense. What star quarterback that was popular and effective did Grossman/Beck replace? If there wasn't an effective quarterback these guys replaced then the analogy really doesn't hold up too well.

Marc Wilson/Tommy Hodson Division (The Dregs)

39. Carson Palmer

How can anyone say Palmer was "rusty" last week? Did you see those ducks he was throwing? My dad's urine has more zip. Can you really trust someone who quit on the Bengals last year, to the point that his old coach called him out last week? And shouldn't it matter that he hasn't been good in three or four years? I continue to think that was the worst football trade since the Herschel Walker deal (and more indefensible).

I do agree with Bill about this.

41. Charlie Whitehurst

During Week 17 last season, I had a chance to finish in the top-10 of the Hilton's SuperContest. I only needed the Rams to beat Charlie Whitehurst and the Seahawks. Charlie singlehandedly cost me a top-ten finish and $13,000, then went back to being the lousy backup QB who looks like James Brolin in Amityville Horror. I will never figure out what happened. Ever.

How about this is what happened…Charlie Whitehurst played well enough to beat the #29 quarterback on Bill’s list. That is where Bill has Sam Bradford. It isn’t like Whitehurst beat a team or quarterback Bill seems to think is incredibly competent.

Then Bill gets to his picks for this week. He didn’t end up doing very well, which anyone who had read his Friday football column on a regular basis is probably used to at this point.

For every Simmons column and podcast, log on to Grantland. Follow him on Twitter and check out his new home on Facebook.

Yes loyal readers of Bill Simmons, please join Bill on social media sites where he refuses to interact in any way with his loyal readers.


jacktotherack said...

This whole column makes me want to punch Bill Simmons squarely in the sack, especially him showing his credentials as a Pats fan with that excessively long list of shitty Patriots QB's. But I lost it in when I got to this paragraph:

"Can't Tim Tebow just be a super-athletic QB with an erratic arm and possibly mystical powers who bugs the hell out of hardcore football analysts and stat guys because not EVERYTHING about sports has to have a concrete answer? One of my favorite songs of all time is "Nuthin' But a G Thang." Has anyone ever sat around trying to interpret what "It's like this and like that and like this and uh" means? No!"

First of all, Tim Tebow doesn't have mystical powers. He's a shitty, shitty QB who the national media has decided to shove down America's throat mostly because of his polarizing overt Christianity. If he does have "mystical powers" where the fuck were they as Denver was getting trucked by Detroit 45-10? I only saw Tebow mustering his mystical power of "dogshit quarterbacking" as he had a pick 6 and a fumble taken to the house to go along with his other completely uninspiring play.

And his whole "Nuthin But a G Thang" bit at the end is another desperate attempt by Bill to relate to his audience. "Look at me, I love early 90's West Coast rap too. I'm just like you."

Here's hoping someone busts a cap in the Sports Guys' ass.

rich said...

Here's the thing: every fanbase has suffered through shitty QBs.

I had to go through Danny Kannel, Dave Brown, Jesse Palmer and Kent Graham.

Before Eli, Kerry Collins was the best QB I had seen play for the Giants (Simms having retired when I was 7).

Then he lists a bunch of players who he "apparently" rooted for but doesn't remember? Seriously? Like the Patriots are the only team like that. The Giants had Kurt Warner for a year, I rooted for Tyron Wheatley, Ron Dayne and Ryan Grant, but no one gives a shit because every team had random guys on their teams.

It's funny how Patriots fans want to be seen as special for having this type of franchise arc. I'm sorry, but Patriots fans, you've won three Super Bowls in the past decade, no one gives a shit that you weren't good 20 years ago.

Why even write a power poll of NFL teams when a QB poll is basically the same thing?

Because Cincinnati is starting a rookie and is 5-2? Because Buffalo is playing Ryan Fitzpatrick and is 5-2? Because the NY Jets despite Mark Sanchez's terribleness has made the past two AFC Championship games?

One caveat: We're judging these guys by their ability to win in 2011.

More importantly, if you were making a list of "Football Players I Wish Were On My Team For the Next Decade For Sheer Entertainment Value,"

Yes, when judging a player's ability to win games, entertainment value is obviously more important.

Eli's résumé since January 2008

So he's judging players on their ability to win this year and he brings up Eli's stats from 2008? Oh right, because if it's not back to 2008, he can't bitch about the Super Bowl.

Eli's stats this year: 102.1 passer rating, 2100 yards, 13 TDs to 5 Ints.

And that's with significant injuries to the offensive line (Snee and Baas have both missed time), injuries to the WR corps (Hicks, Manningham and Hixon) and with his top two TEs gone (to Oakland and retirement).

Plus you add in the fact that the Giants are ranked 30th in league rushing and the only reason the Giants are 5-2 is Eli.

But he's right, Cam Newton really gives you a better chance to win this year. (Sorry BGF).

New York Giants fans would like to say a big "fuck you" to Bill Simmons for that comment.

I would like to say fuck you to Bill, but I won't go there.

Bill ranks McNabb ahead of Christian Ponder. I find this borderline retarded.

I think that's what you really meant to say.

and to extend what Jack said: Tim Tebow didn't do anything to help the Broncos win the game. He didn't recover the onside kick, he didn't hit the extra long FG and he sure as shit didn't have the strip sack in OT.

I mean for the love of God, the only reason they needed a 50+ yard FG to tie the game was because Tebow couldn't manage to move the ball more than 10 feet.

Oh and it was the Dolphins, I'm pretty sure I could QB a game winning drive against them in the fourth quarter.

rich said...

and by tie, I meant win.

BR said...

Bill seems to have become very formulaic in his writing. He has used most if not all of his tired constructions before except maybe the Mike Lombardi, fellow genius ploy. It should be remembered that Mike has appeared on Bill's podcasts several times. Mike is liked by Bill because he rarely corrects Bill or puts down his ideas no matter how nonsensical. Add to this the fact that they totally agree on Carson Palmer and Bill's genius and acumen is being validated by a former pro general manager. Stand back, mortals.

Bill is supposed to be a hit with the 18-35 demographic. At 42, isn't he quickly ageing and earning his way out of an easy compatibility or connection with this group. He now frequently references accoutrements of his wealth like the four-tv maln cave and the Clips and Kings season seats. I don't think this is a particularly winning evolution for Bill as I imagine this distances him from many of his readers.

Thanks for the BS colonoscopies, Ben.
R. R.

ZidaneValor said...

This is Bill's entire picks column for Week 9.

My last 3 weeks of picking games: 13-22-2 against the spread. That's so unconscionably atrocious that I banned myself from writing a football column this week or explaining any of these Week 9 picks.

And then his picks for the week. This is the sidebar to an Eddie Murphy column that according to Microsoft Word "word count" is 6,912 words plus footnotes. I like Eddie Murphy, but come on now.

Murray said...

Bill is an idiot. If any of you other fan bases want him we may be willing to trade. (Except for Woody Page. I don't need articles on how Brady is getting older and impeding Mallets progress)

Also I always like Sammy better than Dave (Because Sammy could actually sing)

Murray said...

It just drives me insane to no end that people think we are all like Bill Simmons

Bengoodfella said...

Jack, the comparison between "Nuthin' but a G Thang" and Tim Tebow was just terrible. At this point, Bill is doing a parody of himself with his analogies. Bill loves West Coast rap b/c he lives on the West Coast! He knows the lifestyle. Don't you know?

Rich, that is absolutely correct. Bill is qualified to rank the QB's because he has seen all of these guys play, regardless if they started for the Giants or not. Good catch on Bill using Eli's resume since 2008 for ranking him this year.

Cam Newton is not the 8th best QB in the NFL. There's no way. I don't believe that.

I still have no idea how Ponder is ahead of McNabb. I like McNabb but Ponder has shown through a few games he gives the Vikes a better chance to win.

BR, maybe with his references to 4 televisions in the man cave and knowing famous people Bill is trying to be the famous uncle we all want? Probably not.

I don't listen to Bill's podcasts. I just don't have time to listen to podcasts, and if I did, I probably wouldn't listen to his. I have heard one, and while it wasn't terrible, it was what I thought it was going to be. I did know Lombardi had been on the podcast, but I didn't know they were each other's lap dogs. That explains a lot. Lombardi is one of the genius GMs that just can't find a team to hire him I guess.

Bill is nothing like his readers and he seems to hold them in contempt and thinks they are stupid at times. I don't get why many can't see that.

Zidane, I was away all weekend and didn't read his Friday picks. Have you noticed they keep coming in later and later. I don't think the article I posted here was up until like 3:30pm or 4pm. That's just really late to put a picks column for the weekend up. I'll have to check out the Eddie Murphy thing. It can't be that interesting though...

Murray, I won't trade you Bill Simmons for anything. I have to deal with enough crap about the media and my favorite college basketball team. I couldn't handle a Shaughnessy-Simmons couplet of commentary on my sports teams.

Sammy v. Dave. Always a tough call and so controversial. Bad analogy by Bill first off...but as far as the answer goes I think I probably lean to Sammy as well. Though I have to say the highs weren't as high with Sammy for me, but the lows also weren't as low.

At his best, you have VH1/1984 with Dave, but at its worst you have the albums in the early 1980's that honestly just are a lot of crap.

At this best, you have 5150/OU812 with Sammy, but at his worst you had something like Balance. It was crap hard rock, but at least it rocked and had some sort of flow to the album. It's a tough call, but Sammy wins very narrowly. I could change my mind tomorrow.

All Boston fans aren't like Bill Simmons. That's the problem w/ the idea he speaks for you all...I have learned he doesn't. It's not your fault!