Monday, April 30, 2012

0 comments Marcus Hayes Misses Pat Burrell's Scent, His Musk; Once This Is All Over Thinks They Should Get an Apartment Together

Ever since Marcus Hayes' epic "Chase Utley is loved by Phillies fans because he's white" chat happened, I've bookmarked Marcus Hayes as a person to look out for. I've written about him a few times, but he's never expressed extreme love/hate for a player like I had hoped he would since that date. My patience has finally paid off because Marcus Hayes has written a fluff piece/love letter to Pat Burrell. He wants us all to know that Burrell isn't just a sexy man with a sexy look in his eyes while he is sexily swinging the bat, but he's also a pretty face that played baseball in a very attractive fashion. To call what Burrell did "playing baseball" is selling him short. He played baseball much in the way Albert Einstein played inventor, much like George Gershwin played composer...except he did it all with much more charisma and sextitude.

(As a complete sidebar to this article, Burrell was also a pretty good player. A point I tend to lose when his physical attractiveness and his love of party are mentioned too often.)

TONIGHT, Pat Burrell will throw out the first pitch in San Francisco.

He will also swing and miss this pitch. The Phillies fans will then somehow simultaneously manage to boo and give him a standing ovation. That's how amazing he is.

For years, Burrell's influence on the organization will be felt.

Years? Decades. Millenniums. 20,000 years from now the only thing that will survive from modern society is drawings on office walls of Pat Burrell and stories of his exploits as a Philadelphia Phillie. Well, mostly the drawings will be of how movie-star gorgeous Burrell was and how much he liked to party.

Around Burrell, the Phillies constructed a ballclub that won the last five National League East titles; a club that won the World Series in 2008 and went to another Series in 2009, after Burrell left for Tampa Bay.

Of course MVPs like Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Howard and Chase Utley also had the team built around them in some ways. The Phillies were built around Pat Burrell much in the same way the New England Patriots early 2000's dynasty were built around Kevin Faulk or Mike Vrabel.

He was not the best player on any of his Phillies teams.

But he was the sexiest.

Just once was he the most valuable player on a Phillies team, in 2002, when he teased the baseball world with a breakout season.

(Marcus Hayes begins rubbing his body with oils) What a tease, Pat the Bat was...

Burrell always was the biggest star.

I wonder why that was?

After a princely high school career in California

Here comes the unacceptable and hilariously terrible fawning over Burrell.

Let's cue some mood music for this column.

and a Ruthian stint in college at Miami,

Really it was more Mantleian, but no one enjoys using that word very much.

Standing 6-4, movie-star gorgeous and often without scruple, "Pat the Bat" thrived.

Burrell was sexy and dangerous. That's a combination no sportswriter can ignore. No sportswriter with scruple that is.

He rocketed through the minors.

Clearly, you can see from the metaphors Marcus Hayes is using that this is a very sexualized column on Burrell.

The corner locker belonged to Burrell. He radiated charisma,

I'm pretty sure he never radiated Charisma, but he did go out on the town with her quite a few times. He had a habit of coming back from his night on the town with Charisma AND Candy.

with his Ray Liotta eyes

Now are these the "I'm crazed on cocaine and is that a helicopter that has been following me all day" Ray Liotta eyes or the "I'm gonna have to beat the shit out of my neighbor, be back in a minute," Ray Liotta eyes? I feel like this needs to be cleared up.

and his Rat Pack exploits.

Nothing better than sitting down near the corner locker with the other media guys and hearing some stories of Pat Burrell tagging some road beef. Amirightorwhat? Let's just let guys be guys.

"He handled his business," says Howard, grinning. "If you're going to go out and party or whatever, you have to come in the next day to handle your business . . .

Pat Burrell was a good hitter and good at partying. Also, Marcus Hayes wants us to remember he was sexy too! Don't forget that!

"He was everybody's dream. Every girl's dream," Victorino says.

And Marcus Hayes' dream.

Every player watched how Pat dressed,

Or DIDN'T dress, as the case may be.

what Pat drove,

Or what drove women (and Marcus Hayes) crazy, of course.

where Pat lived,

He lived life in the fast lane, naturally.

how Pat tipped clubhouse attendants and barkeeps,

"Tell you what, in lieu of cash, come out with me tonight and get my sloppy seconds."

says Victorino: "He was similar to a godfather."

So he was like Ray Liotta, except a godfather? I smell "Goodfellas" sequel with Burrell as a cocky, sexy, fast-living mafia figure!

Blessed with heavenly looks, Burrell proved mortal most of his 11-year career. A foot injury has ended his run. Incredibly, Burrell is only 35.

I'm not sure what's shocking about Burrell's age. Injuries have ruined many a player's career. Also, I love how Marcus Hayes says Burrell was blessed with heavenly looks, but injuries made him mortal. I just love it. It's like Burrell is a Greek god and his Achilles Hell is his that makes him a human, right?

Only twice did he reach his production potential. In 2002 and '05, he drove in more than 100 runs and hit at least .280, the only times he hit those marks.

Maybe he exceeded his production potential those two years and the rest of the years WERE his production potential. Deep.

Burrell never was a bad investment. He averaged 31 homers and 93 RBI over the last three seasons of the deal, which cost the Phillies just over $37 million.

In the same span, Alex Rodriguez averaged 41 homers and 127 RBI . . . but then, Burrell made about half as much money.

Of course Rodriguez played a different position from Burrell and there are other numbers that could better compare the two players, but I still get Hayes' point. The other difference between these two players is no one except for A-Rod wanted to look at pictures of A-Rod shirtless...while everyone wanted to look at Pat Burrell shirtless.

And, despite shining in the Steroid Era, Burrell never was tainted by a scandal involving performance enhancers.

So we KNOW he was definitely clean since he never got caught!

Still, as Burrell stood in leftfield night after night, abuse rained on him. Fans were maddened by his tendency to watch third strikes as he raised his arms and locked his left knee;

Weren't Phillies fans paying attention to how pretty he looked out there? He's incredibly handsome and always willing to go get drunk and show up at the ballpark ready to play again. How can this frustrate them?

and fed up with his legendary evening jaunts into Center City, which could turn boorish.

Well, all Philadelphia fans are boorish, rude, inconsiderate people who hate Santa Claus, Jesus, and all that is good in the world. Isn't that what I've been conditioned to believe? So why would they not like Pat Burrell? He's just like them.

Still, weren't these Burrell's people? Where was the love?

Considering he is from California and played his college ball in Miami, I'm not sure the Philadelphia crowd are his people.

"I've been everywhere: New York, Boston, you name it," Manuel says.

Iraq, Afghanistan, the inner cities of major US cities...

"As far as [self-]abuse, Philadelphia is No. 1."

Actually, #2 next to every teenager in America's bedroom!

(Yeah, I know that was terrible. It was intended to be.)

He created a culture of dismissiveness that often resurfaces in the Phillies' clubhouse, like a foul odor.

I'm pretty sure that foul odor of dismissiveness is just the smell of a professional team's locker room.

When new general manager Pat Gillick deconstructed the Phillies in 2006, Burrell and Rollins were the only tenured stars left untouched. Aaron Rowand was part of that team, a mercenary trade product of the Thome deal. Howard, Utley and Cole Hamels were the new cornerstones, untouchable. Burrell was, by contrast, untradable, with a no-trade clause and that burdensome contract.

His time was nearly past, but Burrell remained

Really? Burrell hit pretty damn well from 2006-2008 (which is a point Hayes previously made in this fluff piece). His time was very nearly past, but he was still hitting the ball well.

Manuel never minded that Burrell sometimes was the last guy to return to the team hotel.

I sense a running theme here. That running theme seems to be that Pat Burrell can do his job very well even after he has spent his nights carousing and drinking on the town. While I think Burrell hit the ball well during his career, perhaps Hayes can see why Burrell wasn't the toast of the town? If there was a perception he had untapped potential and he was the last guy to return to the team hotel? Maybe the perception could be if he came in earlier at night he could reach his potential? "Bullshit," says Charlie Manuel.

"There are people who can stay out until 2, 3, 4 o'clock in the morning and still do their job," Manuel says. "With Pat, that might not be all that bad. The less he could think about his performance, the better he hit."

So basically Charlie Manuel thinks Pat Burrell isn't the brightest bulb in the box. It was a good thing Burrell spent time on the town so he didn't have to think about his performance. Hmmm...I'm not sure if this is persuasive or not. Either way, Burrell was still a very good hitter.

Who does Manuel think Pat Burrell is? A woman? A woman with a small brain. With a brain a third of the size of a man's brain? It's science.

Burrell could have been a clubhouse cancer, as he became more and more marginalized with the ascension of Rollins, Howard and Utley. But he wasn't.

Really? Does Marcus Hayes remember typing this:

Eroded by years of derision, dealing with Burrell meant a snarl one day; thoughtful perspective the next; an up-yours walkoff with the third. He created a culture of dismissiveness that often resurfaces in the Phillies' clubhouse, like a foul odor.

I'm not saying Pat Burrell is a clubhouse cancer because I wasn't there, but a person who has a bi-polar type personality and created a culture of dismissiveness that lingers three years after he left the team...that's pretty close to calling a player a clubhouse cancer. If he wasn't a clubhouse cancer maybe he was a clubhouse STD or something like that.

"He bought in with the fact that we were changing the face of our team. He let those guys do their thing," Manuel says, appreciatively. "There was never a bitch."

There was never a bitch...except for those women Burrell brought home from the Center City bars at night who only wanted to talk.

(Bengoodfella looks around for a high-five as everyone looks at him dismissively, as the stench of this joke hangs in the hair...much like a foul odor)

It has been 3 years of pain and of failure. Since he doubled off J.P. Howell in his last at-bat as a Phillie, Burrell has averaged 111 games, 14 homers, 50 RBI and hit .235.

Really, his career ended that night against the Rays.

But his movie star good looks and chiseled manly frame just keep going, going, and going...

Pat Burrell, Marcus Hayes wants to say something. He's gonna put it out there. If you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. He wants to be on you. Your career has ended, but that sparkle in your Ray Liotta-cocaine-crazed eye won't ever stop sparkling. It's probably the cocaine that causes that look in your eyes, but it could be just the reflection of just how handsome you are in the eyes of Marcus Hayes.

In Philadelphia, his impact will be felt for years.

The bars in Center City have reported a 17% decline in sales since Pat Burrell left and the Phillies fans don't have a player on the current team they can have a disproportionate amount of hatred towards as compared to his actual output on the baseball field.

Mostly, Marcus Hayes will miss that smile, those gorgeous good looks and the charismatic foul odor Pat Burrell left behind. Goodbye angel. Fly those beautiful princely arms away from professional baseball now.