9 comments ...Our Pets' Heads Are Falling Off!: Week 8

Another weekend of games are done and the NFL season is almost halfway over. Time flies when you are not having any fun (at least for me). Just six months from now every team in the NFL will believe they have a chance to win a Super Bowl, only to have their and their fans hopes crushed three or four weeks into the 2013 season. I'm already excited.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 36 Minnesota Vikings 17

It is usually good news for a team's fan base if I bash one of their players. I have a tendency to bash a player or criticize a player and then look like an asshole when I am wrong. Take for instance, Doug Martin. I criticized him earlier in the year for having "Eddie George Special" kind of games where he gets 70 yards, but it takes him over 20 carries to get there. In the last three games he has had a yards per carry average of 5.8, 5.3, 4.7. I could be a jerk and say 5.8 yards per carry was his high point and now he is going back down to his 3.3 or 2.8 average from the first and second games of the season, but that's probably not true. So I was right that Martin had an "Eddie George Special" kind of first few games, but it doesn't look like he will be that kind of running back in the NFL. He is more explosive than I give him credit for. He's what Mark Ingram will never be, a running back who can catch and run the football equally well. The big news coming out of this game is that the Vikings are "frauds," as if this should be any kind of news to anyone really. The Vikings played well at the beginning of the year and idiots like Gregg Easterbrook wrote they succeed because they run simple plays instead of being overly creative (How's that working out now, Gregg? Gregg? You there? I am sure he will address the Vikings success with a simple offense in a later TMQ...I'm very sure of it) with their offensive play calling. Was there really people who thought the Vikings were going to go 12-4 this year? It's a typical media overreaction to call the Vikings "frauds" or say the Buccaneers "exposed" the Vikings, just like it was a typical media overreaction to believe the Vikings were one of the best teams in the NFL just three weeks ago. The Vikings beat the 49ers, but otherwise weren't beating the greatest competition. The Buccaneers controlled the ball for 37 minutes and were able to put pressure on Christian Ponder. Three Vikings turnovers certainly didn't help matters either. I don't know if the Vikings are frauds or if the Buccaneers exposed them, but maybe the Buccaneers are simply a better team than originally thought? After all, they haven't lost a game by more than seven points all year.

Denver Broncos 34 New Orleans Saints 14

Peter King wrote last week about how if the Saints' season is saved then they can thank Malcolm Jenkins for chasing down Vincent Jackson and preventing a touchdown last week. I'm not so sure the Saints' season is saved after all, nor do I believe Malcolm Jenkins and his fellow defensive teammates are helping the team win games. Peyton Manning absolutely picked apart the Saints defense and the Broncos threw for 301 yards and rushed for 225 yards. The good news is that Drew Brees extended his streak of games in which he has thrown a touchdown pass. At least there is something salvageable for the Saints out of this game. We all know from last year that personal records like that are very important to the Saints. Joe Vitt, the interim coach for the Saints takes the blame though and realizes it could NEVER be the fault of the Saints players that the defense gave up 530 yards of offense to the Broncos.

"I've got to do a better job of preparing our football team," Vitt said. "I've got to do a better job of getting the team ready physically, mentally and emotionally to play in a game like this. And quite frankly, there's things I need to do better."

The only thing Vitt could really do better at this point is find a way to sprinkle magical fairy dust on the Saints defense that will help them stop the opposing team. He could also convince the Saints front office to trade draft picks in an effort to acquire better defensive players. I wonder if Bill Simmons will continue to call Peyton Manning "Noodle" since it doesn't seem to matter how good of an arm he has and it wasn't that funny of a joke in the first place? I'm guessing, yes, Bill will continue to call Peyton Manning "Noodle."

New York Giants 29 Dallas Cowboys 24

This was a crazy game. I thought the Giants had this game in hand pretty early on once Romo went on his interception-binge, but then the Cowboys came back. Also, someone needs to cover Jason Witten. He caught 18 passes in this game and was targeted 22 times. Everything the Giants tried did not work and Witten ran the same route it felt like on every play and continued to catch the football. My favorite note about the game is someone I follow on Twitter re-Tweeted a sports fan (I'm not sure of which team he is a fan) who was livid, livid I tell you, the Dez Bryant game-winning touchdown catch was overturned. In 140 characters he said instant replay was ruining football and if the Giants had any class they would petition the commissioner to give this victory to the Cowboys. You would think since it was obvious Dez Bryant's hand was out of bounds on that catch (which doesn't take away it was a great catch), this person would be happy with the multiple replays that showed overturning this call was a good move. Not so. He was angry the NFL doesn't have a field level camera, which he claims would show Dez Bryant's fingers weren't out of bounds, but instead were arched up in the air so that he wasn't actually touching out of bounds. You may say, "but how does he know Bryant's fingers were arched if he didn't have access to a field-level camera?" I am sure his answer would be that he knows and instant replay is ruining football. I think this is the only person I have ever heard claim instant replay is ruining the NFL. The call was correct. The NFL definitely needs to get on the field level camera, or at least have sensors around the field to detect when a player has touched out of bounds. Perhaps a big red light can blink and a loud buzzer could make a noise whenever a player touches out of bounds?

It's shocking the Cowboys were in this game in the first place. Six turnovers. They almost won the game after having six turnovers. The Dallas defense did a pretty good job of holding the Giants offense to less than 300 total yards of offense, but it's hard to get over a turnover-binge like Romo had in the first half.

Chicago Bears 23 Carolina Panthers 22

 This game was so Panthers. Six sacks in the first half, none in the second half. Dominating the game for three quarters, giving it away by allowing the Bears a chance to make plays in the second half. I personally never had a doubt Carolina was going to lose. That's what they do. They are 1-10 under Ron Rivera when the game is decided by less than a touchdown. Clearly, this is Cam Newton's fault. Let's talk about the other scapegoat though. Jay Cutler. He was bad in the first half, mostly because he couldn't stay upright, and then he came through on the final drive as the ran the exact same slant play to Brandon Marshall three times. The Panthers defense did all they could to stop this play by running the same defense THIS ENTIRE DRIVE. I kid you not. I would provide the link, but it makes me sad and I just can't do it right now. The Bears defense started to clamp down when they needed to and came up with a big pick-six on a Newton throw that never got to Steve Smith because he fell down (no word on whether he actually dove to the ground to beat the shit out of the field because the voices in his head said the field was talking shit about him) and then all it took from there was for the Bears defense to force Carolina into kicking another field goal and Cutler to convert against a soft-as-cotton Panthers Quarters defense. It seems to me that Jay Cutler is a pretty good quarterback when he is actually given time to throw the ball and it helps the Bears defense knows how to stop the other team from getting touchdowns. I think through all this blame on Newton (which this loss is obviously his entire fault) a few questions have to be asked.

1. Why is Carolina 1-10 in games decided by a touchdown or less? After 11 games like this, it no longer becomes about bad luck.

2. Why has Carolina never won a game when Newton threw an interception? That says more to me about what is expected from him than anything else.

3. When given the opportunity to kick a field goal right before halftime from 51 yards away, why did Rivera go for a Hail Mary rather than attempt the no-risk field goal?

At a certain point, and we are at that point, it's clear part of the problem lies with Ron Rivera. Bears fans may dislike Lovie Smith, but I would trade coaches in a heartbeat.

Cleveland Browns 7 San Diego Chargers 6

Speaking of bad coaching. I haven't always been hard on Norv Turner, not because I believe he is a great coach, but because it's so cliche to knock Turner. Of course, then he loses to the Browns. I don't see any reason why Norv Turner should be the head coach of the Chargers after this season. He's shown us what he can do as a coach and I think his time is probably up in San Diego. He's a great offensive coordinator. I would want my favorite team to hire him as an offensive coordinator. Trent Richardson ran all over the Chargers and Philip Rivers didn't have a very good day either. Robert Meachem did drop a touchdown pass, which obviously affected the outcome of this game, but Rivers has to play better than this against a team of Cleveland's caliber. It seems to me like Rivers' time in San Diego is starting to run short and I have to agree with Bill Simmons, who said a few weeks ago that a change of scenery might do him good. Of course, then another NFL team will realize that Rivers is a huge dick and the fact he is an even bigger asshole than Jay Cutler might get out. I honestly don't know why I was even wondering who would win this game, since under Bill Simmons "Tragedy Effect" and based on Peter King believing God helps certain teams win, the Browns were destined to win,

Shurmur said one of the game balls will go to Browns vice president Bryan Wiedmeier, who underwent emergency surgery Friday to remove a brain tumor.

So the Browns were destined to win the game. Really, prior to an NFL game being played I don't need to see the matchup between the two teams or the team's injury report, I just need to see if any member of the organization is in the hospital. That will determine which team wins the game.

Detroit Lions 28 Seattle Seahawks 24 Detroit Tigers 0

Apparently the key to helping the Lions win games isn't to get the running game going, but is instead (and sit down because this is shocking), find another couple of receivers who can be threats in the passing game. Yes, it turns out a struggling quarterback can be helped by more than one passing threat on the field. Who knew? Again, why did the Lions win this game? Injuries and inspiration.

Burleson broke his right leg in Monday night's loss at Chicago, pushing Young up the depth chart. Burleson sent a motivational message to his teammates on offense that was shown on video Saturday night.

Seriously, why do I even look at the matchups between two teams? All I need to know as to which team will win a game is to find out who is injured and being inspiratinal. If Ryan Kalil or Chris Gamble taped a message for the Panthers team before every game, I have no doubt they would immediately make the playoffs, if not win the Super Bowl and then be voted President of the United States.

The Lions were 12-16 on third down in this game. That's an excellent way to win a game and an easy way for the Seahawks to lose this game. Russell Wilson seems to have played pretty well and this game seems to be an instance where it was a competitive game between two teams, but the Lions had the ball last and had the last chance to make a play. Hey, at least the Lions showed up in this game, which is more than the Detroit Tigers can say in the World Series.

Green Bay Packers 24 Jacksonville Jaguars 15

The world is upside down. Every offensive statistical leader in this game was a Jacksonville Jaguar. Blaine Gabbert threw for more yards than Aaron Rodgers. The world is ending. The Mayans were right. The Packers needed a blocked punt returned for a touchdown and a Mason Crosby field goal in order to beat the Jags. Not that the Packers were overconfident and didn't expect much from the Jaguars of course. Well, it seems some of the Packers were overconfident. Jermichael Finley, clearly pumped up and excited about his stellar 54 yards receiving over the last three games coming into this one said,

"They're an NFL team, not to get that wrong, but the Jacksonville Jaguars stayed around in Lambeau Field," Jermichael Finley said. "They were supposed to have been under the Frozen Tundra at halftime."

Except the Jaguars weren't under the Frozen Tundra at halftime. It's always nice to read a player who has underachieved this year has such confidence in his teammates abilities to play well. Finley wasn't overconfident, not at all and don't get him wrong, it's just he thinks the Packers were incredibly superior to the Jaguars and Jacksonville had no business being in the game by halftime. Nobody likes a cocky asshole. Who ever said football players from the University of Texas come out of college pampered and unready for the rigors of the NFL? I think all of this trying to run the ball is hurting the Packers. They should just let Aaron Rodgers air it out and don't even care about running the ball. I have to believe Gabbert's good performance on Sunday is just a tease and he will have a 9-21 for 121 yards next week against Detroit. I can't accept a world where Blaine Gabbert throws for 300 yards.

Indianapolis Colts 19 Tennessee Titans 13

Greatest quarterback in the history of the NFL and future Hall of Famer, Andrew Luck, led the Colts to another victory yesterday in overtime. Luck had another comeback victory (sarcasm has ended) and the Colts were able to survive a questionable review and Mike Munchak putting his tail between his legs and not trying to win the game with a Rod Bironas 58 yard field goal towards the end of regulation. I'm not a member of the "coaches should always be aggressive" team, but in this situation you go for the win, especially since the wind was at Bironas' back. It's clear the Colts appear to be on the right track at this point, which is good news for their fan base obviously. Vick Ballard's overtime leap was ridiculous though. If one hears the name "Vick Ballard" it doesn't sound like a guy who would make an acrobatic leap to help win a game. He seems like a "three yards and a cloud of dust" type guy or a Madden-created running back. It turns out he's a fucking acrobat. It's easy to second-guess head coaches, but Rod Bironas is a pretty good kicker and rather than take a chance in overtime I think the Titans should have gone for the game-winning kick. What do I know though?

New England Patriots 45 St. Louis Rams 7

This is the home game for the Rams that was taken away so the diehard Tom Brady fans in England could get a chance at seeing Brady play there. Maybe Rams fans are happy they didn't get to see this game. It wasn't a good showing for St. Louis. I really thought the Rams had a good defense and then the Patriots went and proved me incredibly wrong by putting up 473 yards on the Rams. The Rams had an excellent first drive and then just withered away after that. It's good to see the NFL expanding into England like this, especially at the expense of United States football fans. I am sure Gregg Easterbrook will chalk up the Patriots victory to Bill Belichick choosing to go for it on fourth down after the Rams had taken the lead, while completely ignoring the other 38 points the Patriots scored as any reason they won this game. Obviously that fourth down call was what caused the other 38 points to be scored. Any idiot can see that. Rob Gronkowski did a dance after scoring a touchdown, much to the enjoyment of sheep-like NFL reporters who search hard to find stories coming out of an NFL game that has as little to do with the game as possible. I can't help but wonder if Bill Simmons watched this game. We all know he is such a big Patriots fan that he almost didn't watch the Jets-Patriots game because the Patriots could have lost. Being a fan means not being a fan if things look like they could go wrong.

Miami Dolphins 30 New York Jets 9

Now these are the Jets we have come to know and love. Ryan Tanne-who? Matt Moore stepped in and played well for an injured Tannehill, as Matt Moore is prone to do. Just don't ask him to start an NFL game because then he will get all concussion-y and not play well at all. Mark Sanchez failed to block for himself and the Jets gave up four sacks on the day and shockingly the Jets didn't switch to their All-Pro quarterback, ex-backup quarterback punt protector Jets, in order to immediately turn this game around and rip victory from the rabid jaws of defeat. Fortunately, after getting beaten by 21 points most Jets players were focused on the important issues in this game,

"They're not a very clean team," wide receiver Chaz Schilens said. "They're a little cheap."

Cornerback Antonio Cromartie also called Bush "a punk" who showed "his true colors."

These are the important issues to focus on. With the Jets it is always drama first, winning football games second. If Super Bowls were awarded for teams who talk a lot of shit between weeks and in the offseason without actually backing it up then Rex Ryan and his team would have several Super Bowl trophies at this point. If the Jets are focused on the Dolphins being cheap then they aren't focused on the right things. I wouldn't describe the Jets as "a mess" but they have quarterback issues and from what (little) I read and hear it seems Rex Ryan doesn't always help his team focus on winning football games.

Atlanta Falcons 30 Philadelphia Eagles 17

The Falcons didn't have to live right this week. They went to Philadelphia and kicked the Eagles' ass. Not ironically, Mike Vick didn't commit one turnover and the Eagles still lost. I guess it seems Juan Castillo isn't to blame for the Eagles defensive woes. Is it bad form to re-hire him? The Falcons scored on their first six possessions, spit on the Eagles, stepped on their toes and then screamed in their ear. I'll let Andy Reid explain his thinking with firing Castillo. He does a better job than I could do,

"I did what I did and what I thought was right at the time,"

"Which was saving my own job."

Reid said about the switch. "We need to get better there."

"What? You think I am going to blame my offense for the losses? Bitch, please." 

Absolutely. It's almost like hiring an offensive line coach as the defensive coordinator and then blaming him for the defense's problems was a bad idea. Whose idea was that again?

The anti-Reid fans may be seeing him in his final months with the team. Owner Jeffrey Lurie already stated before the season that another 8-8 finish would be "unacceptable."

In response, Andy Reid said, "Fine I won't lead the team to an 8-8 season. How about a 6-10 season, is that more acceptable?" I'm just going to say the Falcons are the best team in the NFC, even if I still don't completely believe it. At a certain point, I will be correct or continue to look like an asshole if I keep on saying the Falcons aren't the best team in the NFC. I don't like looking an asshole, so all hail the Falcons, the best team in the NFC.

Pittsburgh Steelers 27 Robert Griffin Redskins 12

Since with Robert Griffin all things are possible (according to Peter King) I figured I may as well re-name the Redskins after him since he makes all things possible...except for his receivers catching passes thrown in their direction. The Redskins dropped 10 passes yesterday, which is such an impressive number I started to wonder if they were even trying to catch the ball. The Steelers did a good job of forcing Griffin to stay in the pocket and not allow him room to wander outside the pocket and make plays with his feet. Shock of all shocks the Steelers are back in the hunt as one of the best teams in the AFC. Who saw this coming? Other than the fact the Steelers are always in the hunt as one of the best teams in the AFC, this is completely unforeseen. Roethlisberger got plenty of protection in the pocket and the biggest issue he had was figuring out which of his offensive weapons he should be throwing the ball to. What a predicament. A week after everyone was fawning over Robert Griffin, he came back down to Earth a little bit. It's almost like he is a rookie quarterback and bad games are going to happen. Maybe next week he can play well and sportswriters can throw in all of the unused religious analogies from this past week's game against the Steelers. The good news is the Robert Griffin Redskins play Carolina, so that's a guaranteed victory.

Oh, and those Steelers uniforms were the worst. Horrible.

Oakland Raiders 26 Kansas City Chiefs 16

So it turns out that Brady Quinn isn't the solution for the Chiefs either. After leaving the game with one passing yard, one interception and a "head injury," which is probably actually the injury Romeo Crennel suffered right before naming Brady Quinn the starter, the Matt Cassel era returned to Kansas City. In related news, it didn't make a damn bit of difference. Cassel was the Chiefs leading passer AND leading rusher, so that's horrendous news. In asked why Jamaal Charles didn't get more carries Romeo Crennel confidently answered,

"Now, that I'm not exactly sure, either," Crennel said.

Well, it's a good thing Crennel isn't the head coach or else he should be able to answer the difficult questions such as why the Chiefs game plan featured their best running back so little. As was completely expected, Romeo Crennel isn't the guy to turn this Chiefs team around and probably shouldn't have been hired after doing a good job as the interim head coach. Carson Palmer was able to stay pretty clean throughout this entire game. In fact, it sounds from ESPN's game recap that perhaps Palmer was a little TOO excited to have such great protection,

Helps that Palmer could have pitched a tent in his pocket.

Who is to say he didn't? Most quarterbacks probably get excited when playing against the Chiefs. Maybe not excited enough to pitch a tent in the pocket, but good protection in the pocket is very exciting. What's interesting is for all the great protection he received, Palmer still only completed 50% of his passes. He's worth a first and second round pick, isn't he? I would call the Chiefs the worst team in the NFL, but they still have games against Carolina and Cleveland. I prefer for this title to be earned on the football field and I have a feeling it will be. The Chiefs haven't led in regulation this year, which sounds about right.