Tuesday, December 11, 2012

7 comments MMQB Review: Robots and Athletes Edition

Peter King helped us all understand what kind of football player Jovan Belcher was in last week's MMQB. Peter talked with Belcher's agent who wanted us to know that Belcher didn't go to Arrowhead Stadium to make a scene or anything like that. It's like no one can kill themselves in a public place in peace anymore. Peter also told us about the one recollection of Jovan Belcher as an NFL player that he had and I think that's about all...wait no, he also eulogized Kasandra Perkins in haiku form. Her family is eternally grateful she merited a haiku while Jovan Belcher's actions were better explained by his agent and we got to hear what a hard-working player Belcher was. This week Peter tells us the postseason awards are very much up in the air, so this is a good time for Peter to pick his winners in each category, and he also introduces us to the "forgotten" rookie quarterback, Kirk Cousins. Maybe Cousins is forgotten because he doesn't start for his team and has the Offensive Rookie of the Year starting in front him of him. I don't know, that's just a guess.

Adrian Peterson is not chasing 2,000 yards. He is chasing 2,105. The record.

The English language begins weeping violently. Or as Peter King would say,

"The English language is not happy. It is very sad. Feelings hurt."

Kirk Cousins is going to write for The New Yorker someday, and maybe not about football. 

Not unless "Time" or "Newsweek" scoop him up first based entirely on a series of quotes he gave to Peter King in December 2012. Really that's all you need to do in order to become a well-respected writer is to give Peter a series of really, really deep quotes.

All of the stories of the day in due time, but this point first: Three weeks from today, the 50 voters for the annual Associated Press NFL awards have to file their ballots. Three weeks out every year, most of the races are either clear or have two or three men in the running. This year, as I see it, there's not a single easy race.

Except for "Super-Precocious Defensive Player of the Year," that award is already wrapped up. Step on up and take off your shirt for Pet---I mean, come and accept your award J.J. Watt!

For MVP, I could make a solid case for any of the three quarterbacks with at least 20 more touchdowns than interceptions

So apparently this is sole criteria for winning the MVP award? The MVP should go to whichever quarterback has 20 more touchdowns than interceptions.

And what about the rookie quarterbacks, with their insane frosh seasons; Robert Griffin III leads the league in passer rating. There's not a bad choice.

Robert Griffin for MVP? It's probably not a really great choice either. Give him the Offensive Rookie of the Year award and he'll get the MVP another season. You know what? Fuck it, just give the MVP to Andrew Luck. Why not?

I'll take the quarterback with the longest winning streak (eight games) and who's had the biggest adjustment to make of all the very good ones this year, schematically and physically, on a new team in a new city. For now, give me Peyton Manning.

No, literally, Peter wants us to give him Peyton Manning, which obviously can't be done. What have we told you about owning football players Peter? You can't own Peyton Manning and make him as your friend so you can sit on the front porch swing together drinking sweet tea. Have you learned nothing from kidnapping Brett Favre in 2003?

For now, give me Peterson, with an asterisk, because he has to keep up his breakneck pace when the three remaining defenses he'll face all know he'll be getting the ball early and often.

So for MVP Peter King is taking both Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning, who have apparently formed some sort of running back-quarterback hybrid in Peter's mind named Peyton Peterson. I can't say I am surprised. Peter desires to be liked by NFL players and can't seem to pick just one Offensive or Defensive Player of the Week in MMQB, so I wouldn't expect him to be able to pick just one MVP for the NFL over an entire year.

For Defensive Player of the Year, it's likely to be a race between Watt, Miller and Smith, with Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman an outside threat. To me, it's a choice between one of the best pass rushers to come into the league in years, Smith, versus two men who are more all-around run-pass defenders, Watt and Miller. A factor that must be considered, obviously, is Smith threatening the NFL sack record. He has 19.5 after getting two Sunday against Miami. 

I am sorry, who is this "Aldon Smith" guy again? Is he white? Does he knock down passes like King Kong knocks down planes? How fucking precocious is he? Peter hasn't ever heard of this "Aldon Smith" guy, but he'll use the Google to find out who he is.

Today I'll take Watt, with his 16.5 sacks and league-record 15 passes batted down, four of which resulted in Houston interceptions. Three weeks from today, who knows?

Me. I know J.J. Watt will be the answer three weeks from today, eight weeks from today or eight years from today, because he has batted down passes that (through some luck) resulted in interceptions.

For Offensive Rookie, three quarterbacks of teams that didn't make the playoffs last year are in playoff contention this season...Today I'd take Griffin, with his rookie-QB record 748 rushing yards and league-leading 104.2 rating. But if he misses time with his knee injury, Wilson or Luck could sneak in.

Because Robert Griffin's candidacy should be affected because he suffered a knee injury running for some of his 748 rushing yards on the season. Andrew Luck or Russell Wilson are better rookies because Robert Griffin was the best rookie, but he got injured.

I'm confused as to how Peter wouldn't be willing to give Offensive Rookie of the Year to Robert Griffin if he didn't play in Weeks 15-17 due to injury, but he is willing to allow Chuck Pagano to share the Coach of the Year award when he hasn't been the head coach of the Colts for 80% of the season due to illness. I guess Peter picks and chooses when his awards are going to be time-based. That's not inconsistent at all.

For Defensive Rookie, three linebackers stepped in from day one and became tackling machines -- Carolina's Luke Kuechly, Seattle's Bobby Wagner and Tampa Bay's Lavonte David. 

Tackles are somewhat overrated, but I will allow it for the time being. I've seen quite a few linebackers who have a lot of tackles simply because they are the guy who tackles the ball carrier after he has gained 5-6 yards. I'm thinking of Micheal Barrow specifically.

For now, for the wins and the leadership and filling a gaping hole, I'll take Wagner of the Seahawks.

Well, it makes sense. You obviously want to give an individual rookie award to the player who is on the team with the most wins. It's not like the Buccaneers had a gaping hole in the spot where Derrick Brooks played or the Panthers had a gaping hole at middle linebacker this year when Jon Beason went down. Bad point, Peter, very bad point. I like your conclusion, but the way you got there is suspect.

For Coach of the Year, line 'em up...My choice, today? I'll split my vote between the two men coaching the Indianapolis Colts: leukemia-stricken Chuck Pagano (by text and telephone) and interim Bruce Arians (by daily hard coaching).

No, no, no. Sentiment aside, just give it to Bruce Arians. Give Chuck Pagano "Inspiration of the Year" or something, but Bruce Arians is the head coach of the Colts and should win this award.

For Comeback Player, we could argue all day about Peterson coming back to a very high level after surgery and Peyton Manning, for returning to Peyton Manning form after something no quarterback's ever done -- playing the position coming off four neck procedures in two years. And don't forget the stirring comeback of Carolina linebacker Thomas Davis, who'd win it in a walk in almost any other year.

I don't think this award can go to Adrian Peterson. He played in 12 games last year. That's 75% of the season. To win the Comeback Player of the Year award I would think a player should miss a large portion of the previous season. "Comeback" in the award name seems to indicate the player didn't play much last year and came back to the NFL to play at a high level. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Peterson's recovery is amazing, but I think it has to come down to Peyton Manning and Thomas Davis since they missed large portions of last season (well, Davis missed large portions of the previous three seasons). Davis played in 1.5 games and Manning missed the entire season in 2011.

RGIII must be Elastic Man. Robert Griffin III's right knee whipped after being hit by a Ravens' defender in the fourth quarter at FedEx Field, and it hyperextended grotesquely. Remarkably, his MRI showed a knee sprain, which is a partial ligament tear, but not major damage. The Redskins know he can't expose himself to as many hits as he does at 218 pounds, but now's not the time for a lecture.

Now would be the time for a lecture because this injury is a warning as to what can happen when Griffin exposes himself and his body to hard hits on the football field. These hits can't be completely stopped, but this injury is a reminder of what can happen if Griffin doesn't slide or doesn't get a chance to slide.

The Colts take command of the AFC Wild-Card race. Pittsburgh lost, embarrassingly, to San Diego. Cincinnati got out-emotioned by the Cowboys.

I'm not even sure what "out-emotioned" means. I think Peter made this up.

David Wilson of the Giants ran back kicks for a total of 227 yards Sunday, including an electric 97-yard touchdown return, the longest for the franchise since the LBJ Administration. Tampa coach Greg Schiano's idea -- proposed to Roger Goodell when Schiano was still the Rutgers coach -- to eliminate the kickoff in favor of allowing a team to opt to go for it on 4th-and-15 from its 30-yard line ("So arbitrary it sounds like it was pulled out of a hat,'' one coach said Friday) seemed like a longshot before Sunday. But after the return electricity in the Meadowlands it seems ever more unlikely.

So David Wilson saved the kickoff by returning a kickoff for a touchdown? I don't get this. Is David Wilson the first player to ever return a kickoff for a touchdown? Why would half a century of kickoffs be forgotten by Roger Goodell until David Wilson showed up and ran a kickoff back for a touchdown? Roger Goodell knows the kickoff can result in exciting plays, but he also knows players can get injured on the kickoff, which is why he thought about eliminating the kickoff in the first place.

I think Goodell's point was, excitement or not, if there's evidence that concussion and other neck and knee injuries can be reduced significantly by the elimination of the kickoff, it's only a matter of time before something takes its place -- for the long-term health of the game and its players.

But has Goodell seen David Wilson's kickoff return? He wouldn't give a shit about the long-term health of the game and its players if he had seen it.

The Vikings are in a clump of teams at 7-6, and they may have to win out to make the playoffs. That's fine with Peterson, because winning means playing well, and playing well means he won't have to do it all himself. 

Oh no, with Christian Ponder as the Vikings quarterback and Percy Harvin injured, then Adrian Peterson is going to have to do it all himself.

The forgotten rookie quarterback.

On draft weekend, Michigan State's Kirk Cousins thought there were a lot of teams that might pick him. Washington wasn't one of them, not after taking Robert Griffin III in the first round. But the Redskins took him at pick 102. "I was scratching my head too,'' Cousins said Sunday evening, "I think like a lot of people were."

I was shopping at Whole Foods. I think we all know where we were when Kirk Cousins got drafted. I remember having a lengthy discussion with a guy in the produce section about when Kirk Cousins was going to get drafted. I remember the conversation because the guy had no idea who Kirk Cousins was and I just made that entire story up.

Timeout. Third-and-5. Offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan called a play with Cousins, in the pocket, instructed to take his time, survey his options, and pick the most open one.

"I didn't like the look I got right away,'' Cousins said. "Something inside me said to take off and try to make a play. That's what you do sometimes as a quarterback. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.''

But how many sometimes come when you're cold off the bench, with your team's playoff life at stake?

Three times, Peter. The answer is three times.

"It happened so fast,'' Cousins said. "I definitely didn't want to take a sack. We weren't playing The Little Sisters of the Poor out there. I was out of the pocket, and I just channeled my inner RGIII, and Pierre got open in the corner of the end zone.''

"Little Sisters of the Poor out there." I'm shocked, dismayed, awed, somewhat flabbergasted that Kirk Cousins isn't writing for "The New Yorker" right now or at least consulting on the State of the Union address right now.

Kirk Cousins: Athlete, poet, writer, wordsmith, sometimes robot.

"One of the things I've learned about being a quarterback,'' said Cousins, and for a minute, he sounded like a Penn professor of Football 101 with a tweed coat on,

That sentence is an incredibly basic sentence that anyone with an IQ over 100 could state. I don't see how Cousins sounds like a Penn professor, but I think Peter King has got himself a little crush. The NFL is just so full of precocious 20-something athletic men. It's such a joy for Peter to be around!

"is that it's a balance between being a robot and being an artist.

Actually, this sounds like a freshman Penn student talking at a party while high trying to impress a girl by sounding smart. Maybe that's what Peter meant.

On the touchdown to Garcon, that's being an artist; you don't really know how it's going to look, but you've just got to get out of the pocket and create something.

I got it. Artists don't know what they are creating or how it will look, you just have to do it. I'm not an artist, but I've always been under the impression an artist usually envisions and has an idea of what he/she is creating.

On the two-point conversion, you're a robot. You take the play and do what's called, because you know if it's blocked the right way and set up the right way, it'll work -- the quarterback just executes it."

That is unless the play isn't blocked the right way, in which case Kirk Cousins would then become an artist and get out of the pocket and create something.

Peter King is one easily impressed person if he thinks Kirk Cousins quote sounds like a Penn professor teaching Football 101 and not the ramblings of a quarterback who is coming off the biggest moment of his NFL career.

It all seems so empty, of course, because a service and a ball cannot bring her boy back from this awful death, from an irresponsible accident by his best friend, but what do you do after a senseless and awful death? You do the best you can.

"There's no road map for this,'' Garrett said quietly, 90 minutes after the game. "No script.''

Well it sounds like rather than be a robot, Jason Garrett needs to be an artist.

"The first week he's here, he's playing every snap in practice like it's a game. That first week, he wins our scout team player of the week. He's rushing the passer, giving all our tackles -- Tyron Smith, Doug Free, Jermey Parnell -- everything they can handle. I take notes at practice, and I can't tell you how often I wrote down, 'Jerry Brown' with an exclamation point.

Garrett was actually very angry with the California governor and wanted to remind himself of this, but the point remains. "Jerry Brown" was written on a piece of paper with an exclamation point.

Fine Fifteen

3. Denver (10-3). As the indefatigable Mike Reiss points out, Manning-Brady XIV is assured for 2013 now that Denver and New England have both clinched their divisions.

Thank God. We can all rest knowing there will be another hyped-up Manning-Brady game next year. Otherwise, if there wasn't a guarantee these two quarterbacks might meet I don't know how I could go on.

4. San Francisco (9-3-1). Remember when it was panicsville about Colin Kaepernick? You know, like, five days ago? The option run around left end cured that, at least for the time being.

No, I don't remember when it was panicsville about Colin Kaepernick. I do remember when Peter is panicsville in MMQB on a variety of topics from week-to-week, but I am sure since Peter is the mouthpiece for all NFL fans I was in a panic on the inside about Kaepernick.

5. Atlanta (11-2). Almost every good team in history has had a nightmare day, and this was Atlanta's. The key for Mike Smith now is to make sure it doesn't mushroom. You know how to do that?

Don't let your opponent get out to a 23-0 lead and hold the ball for most of the first half?

11. Indianapolis (9-4). I keep watching the Colts and saying Andrew Luck makes too many mistakes and there are holes in the secondary and they have a flawed offensive line and whatever else. But then Cassius Vaughn and Jerrell Freeman and Vick Ballard make plays, and it forces me to just say, "Shut up, logic."

The key, and stop me if I sound too much like a Penn professor, is that the Colts are playing like artists, but they also know when to play like robots.

Offensive Player of the Week

Cam Newton, QB, Carolina. The 30-20 win over NFC South first-place Atlanta showcased the 2011 Cam: 23 of 35 for 287 yards and two touchdowns, plus nine carries for 116 yards, including a 72-yard touchdown run. "I think this game allows me to have a little chip on my shoulder,'' said Newton. That's what he had most of last year.

I'm not fooled, Peter still hates him. Isn't it funny how having a chip on your shoulder as a quarterback plays a lot better with the media when you are winning football games?

Special Teams Player of the Week

David Wilson, RB/KR, New York Giants. For going 97 yards untouched on a kickoff return (longest GMen TD return on a kickoff since 1964) to forge a 7-7 tie in the first quarter of a game the Giants had to have.

Plus Wilson saved the NFL from changing the kickoff rules to a rule change that Greg Schiano suggested. If Roger Goodell is Scrooge then David Wilson was the Ghost of Christmas Present reminding Goodell how great kickoffs are.

"Maybe his wife can teach him how to throw."

-- FOX NFL analyst Jimmy Johnson, on Minnesota quarterback Christian Ponder, who was recently engaged to ESPN college sideline reporter Samantha Steele. Johnson also said Ponder is the worst quarterback in the NFL.

Remember back when the Vikings beat the 49ers and there was discussion about how much Christian Ponder was improving even though it was still early in the year? Whatever happened to those good old days?

The last time Detroit won at Lambeau Field was this week 21 years ago, Dec. 15, 1991.
That day, Brett Favre was a 248-pound third-string rookie quarterback in Atlanta, behind Chris Miller and Billy Joe Tolliver. While Favre sat on the bench, as he always did that season, Deion Sanders had two interceptions and Mike Rozier was the leading rusher for Atlanta.

Peter King wonders why people accuse him of having an infatuation with Brett Favre, but he brings it on himself. The fact the Lions had not won at Lambeau Field since 1991 isn't impressive enough, oh no, Peter has to use Brett Favre's career as a measure of exactly how long ago this was in case no one knows it is the year 2012. He measures time according to where Favre was in his career at that time. The accusations of an infatuation with Favre are correct to be made.

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

I was the Passenger You Don't Want to Be Near in the Quiet Car, on an Amtrak regional train, Providence to New York, Saturday afternoon. The idiot passenger. I put my phone on vibrate, and 10 minutes into the trip, it vibrated, and I answered it, bent over and whispering, not sure who it'd be. Of course the conductor came by. "Library-type atmophere, sir,'' he said. "Off the phone.'' I got off. Twenty minutes later, there was another call. Not urgent, but I picked it up anyway. Same deal. Conductor walked over. "Last time I'll tell you this,'' he said. "Off the phone or move."

He was right. I was wrong. The car was half-empty, but that doesn't matter. I was what I shake my head at on the Quiet Car often -- the idiot who whispers on the phone when you're not supposed to be on the phone. Felt like a bum. The rules of the train are not complex. If you can't follow 'em, walk.

If only there was a national writer who could eviscerate Peter for talking on his cell phone when he is specifically not supposed to do this. Unfortunately the sportswriter who usually eviscerates such dangerous people is the one doing the talking on the cell phone when he isn't supposed to. Peter says "If you can't follow 'em, walk" in reference to the rules but I have a feeling he would pick the phone up yet again in this situation. Of course it seems Peter has never thought the rules pertained to him. He tells his readers he is tired of all the Favre talk and then talks about Favre, he stares down other people for being annoying on the Acela but tells us all about phone conversations he had on the train, and now he goes in the Quiet Car knowing he shouldn't pick up his cell phone and then does so twice.

"Definition of team quitting? 9 losses n a row. 9th loss 58-0! Injuries handling of offense worst n NFL. Adrian Wilson&Darnell Dockett situations!''

-- @FitzBeatSr, Larry Fitzgerald Sr., father of the Arizona wide receiver, after the ridiculous loss by the Cardinals in Seattle. The son has been quite quiet through it all, but knowing the Cards receiver as I do, this is killing him -- and he's not going to sit idly by without trying to get out if he doesn't think the team can solve the endless quarterback problem.

I have difficulty feeling bad for Larry Fitzgerald. He's the one who asked that the Cardinals draft Michael Floyd because he wanted some pressure off of him. Who is to say what the Cardinals would have done with the draft pick if Fitzgerald had not stated he wanted Floyd, but this is reason #102 you don't let players help out or try to please players with personnel moves.

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 14:

a. Well, Greg Hardy, I guess you were right.

Hardy said the Panthers were a better team than the Falcons, which is probably a lie. 

If you ever want to see the defensive end of a 4-9 team talk shit after a win look no further. 

That's Hardy talking shit and saying "Get the fuck off our field" in reference to Matt Ryan screaming that at the Panthers bench after the first game this year in Atlanta. Such drama.

c. The tackling machine known as Luke Kuechly. Sixteen more for the Carolina rookie linebacker against the Falcons.

Tackles are somewhat overrated. If a player makes a tackle then it could also mean his defense was on the field enough to put him in a position to to make all those tackles or the defense ran the ball in his direction a lot. The single season leader in tackles for Carolina is James Anderson. This from a team who has had probably 10 linebackers that were better than Anderson just in the last 10 years. I'm not knocking Kuechly, but just acknowledging a partial truth to the "tackles" statistic.

l. The Rams, who are relevant again, much sooner than we thought they'd be.

They beat the Bills by three points. Stop pushing the Rams on your readers simply because you and Jeff Fisher have the same agent. The Rams are playing pretty well, but they beat the Bills by three points. That's not something to start talking about increased "relevance" over. They may be a team on the rise, but they also may not be. Give it time to breathe.

2. I think this is what I didn't like about Week 14:

b. Horrendous coverage by DeAngelo Hall on the second touchdown reception by Anquan Boldin. Pausing with the ball in the air?

If he isn't playing for a new contract then Hall isn't interested in your critiques. It's like Peter has never seen DeAngelo Hall play corner before.

j. The way Robert Griffin III's right leg flailed. I am surprised the thing didn't break in half. And he might play Sunday? That can't be real.

With Robert Griffin, all things are possible.

4. I think Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, at 6-foot-1, will be an intriguing pro whenever he chooses to enter the NFL draft. What's good for him, obviously, is the success of Drew Brees and Russell Wilson, which will diminish the perceived importance of height in a scouting report for quarterbacks.

The best part is Manziel should be entering the NFL about the same time Tony Romo is getting ready to leave the NFL, so there will at least one NFL quarterback who looks like he does a mean "Sling Blade" impression without actually knowing he is doing one.

5. I think, with all the talk about Jon Gruden's coaching candidacies, remember these things:

b. Gruden's going to have to have a veteran quarterback who's smart enough to process and execute the whims of his offense, and to be flexible. A Tony Romo, for instance, or Philip Rivers.

Given Gruden's history of collecting quarterbacks in Tampa Bay, he may want three or four veteran quarterbacks on the roster to process his super-intricate offense.

c. I would not be at all surprised if the Cowboys have a bad final three weeks if Jerry Jones goes after Gruden hard.

...said every single person after the end of every single season since Jon Gruden was fired by the Buccaneers.

Wasn't it just over a month ago Peter King had the Cowboys going hard after Sean Payton? What happened with that? Maybe Peter thinks the Cowboys are going to hire both Payton and Gruden to be their head coach and they would share the title.

"I guarantee you, this guy Jon Gruden, he's real team player. I will now make up a nickname for him on the spot. He's just a player. I love this guy, Jon Gruden. He would just love the idea of coaching with a legend like Sean Payton."

6. I think Brandon Jacobs cannot hide his disgust any longer at being nothing but an insurance policy for the Niners. Via ProFootballTalk.com, Jacobs wrote on Instagram this week, asked by a fan to put up a photo of him wearing some 49ers gear: "I am on this team rotting away so why would I wanna put any pics up of anything that say niners this is by far the worst year I ever had, I'll tell you like I told plenty others."

I always knew Jacobs wouldn't take the bench well. He never did in New Jersey either.

Then why did he choose to sign with a team that already had Frank Gore and Kendall Hunter at the running back position?

Just for your information, in the last 45 NFL regular season weeks, kickers have missed 23 extra points. That's 23 misses in 705 games (not including Sunday). I've been harping on this and probably won't stop: Why waste 45 seconds on a play that's 99.3 percent certain (which it's been since the start of the 2010 season)?

A FCS-team lost a playoff game two weekends ago when they missed an extra point.

10. I think these are my non-NFL thoughts of the week:

Oh goody.

a. Johnny Football is a good Heisman choice, but for many reasons, I thought Manti Te'o was a better one.

b. Nothing against Manziel (how many first-year starting quarterbacks walk into Tuscaloosa and beat Nick Saban and the unbeaten Tide?), and I don't watch a lot of college football, so I shouldn't have a vote. But think of this: Where was Notre Dame before this season in the eyes of America? Not ranked in the AP writers' poll, ranked 24th in the USA Today coaches' poll.

So Johnny Manziel shouldn't win the Heisman because a bunch of pollsters who were guessing at how good Notre Dame was prior to this season were very wrong in where they ranked the Fighting Irish? I hate preseason polls because idiots like Peter King use them as if they are a science and not just one big guessing game. This is nonsense. Where was Texas A&M ranked before the season? They weren't. They ended the season ranked #10 in the USA Poll and #9 in the AP Poll. Texas A&M started the season unranked in both the AP and USA poll. Notre Dame got more votes for the Top 25 than Texas A&M did in preseason polls. You could use the same logic to support Manziel for Heisman that is being used by Peter to support Te'o for the Heisman.

h. I like that Royals-Rays trade for Kansas City, because I'm very partial to James Shields and like Wade Davis too. I guess the outfielder Tampa Bay got, Will Myers, might be the best player in minor-league baseball, and obviously the Rays know what they're doing. But this is the first time in forever Kansas City looks to have a major-league rotation (Shields, Davis, the enigmatic Ervin Santana, Jeremy Guthrie and someone). The Royals might be OK.

The Royals now have a rotation with a #3 starter, a swing starter, a two #4-#5 starters. All they had to do was given up one of the their best hitting prospects (Wil Myers) and a pitcher who projects to be a #3 starter (Jake Odorizzi), both under team control for 5-6 years, to get a #3 starter and a swing starter. What a deal! The Royals are in win-now mode. This should be fun to watch.

i. It's entirely possible the Red Sox are the fifth-best team in the East. Just because you spend $13 million a year on Shane Victorino doesn't make him a $13-million-a-year player.

No way. Shane Victorino is very worth $13 million per year. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, Peter. I felt bad about the Braves giving B.J. Upton $15 million per year until I saw Victorino got $13 million per year. Oh, and Mike Napoli is also worth $13 million per year...well, maybe he actually is due to his versatility.

j. Chris Christie on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart was kid-like talking about hugging his new best friend, Bruce Springsteen. Cute.

Seriously, what is it with Peter King describing grown men as being like children? It's like an obsession he has with men who he wants to see act like kids. He just described the governor of New Jersey as being "kid-like" and says his actions were "cute." Are there websites online that features a fetish where grown men act like children? I wonder this because Peter is absolutely obsessed with referring to men as acting like children. It's bordering on incredibly bizarre. 

Yo! Adrian! And
I don't mean Talia Shire.
You smell a record.

Weak. If you are going to torture your audience with haikus at least have the courtesy to make them creative or interesting haikus.


HH said...

("So arbitrary it sounds like it was pulled out of a hat,'' one coach said Friday)

Two things:

1. There is no such coach. This is made up.

2. The number actually isn't arbitrary. I can't find the article where I read this, but 4th & 15 is converted about as often as onside kicks are successfully recovered. That's why the number was chosen.

Murray said...

Seriously Manning has 12 TO's Brady has 4. Is this just simply Brady has been so damn Brady that people see him have a great season and say "meh"

waffleboy said...

Why is Peter King even telling us about using his cell phone on the train? He keeps confessing things this year. First it was parking in a no parking spot, now using his cell phone in the quiet car.
What's going to be next week? "Was in a hurry at the airport in Indy, shat in the urinal."
I don't like this at all. You just know at the end of the season he's going to tell us he killed a hobo somewhere. Peter King is beginning to frighten me.

rich said...

"Off the phone.'' I got off. Twenty minutes later, there was another call. Not urgent, but I picked it up anyway. Same deal. Conductor walked over.

Six periods for 26 words, that's absolutely incredible. At least he admits when he's a douchenozzle? "It wasn't urgent and I knew I wasn't supposed to be on the phone, but fuck them, I'm Peter King!

Gruden's going to have to have a veteran quarterback who's smart enough to process and execute the whims of his offense, and to be flexible. A Tony Romo, for instance, or Philip Rivers.

Gruden had success with Rich Gannon and Brad Johnson, two guys who couldn't possibly be more different than Romo. Romo is not a smart QB, he's a chucker, a gunslinger, a precocious thrower of the ball.

Rivers is also a dimwit who has major attitude problems and a problem with folding under pressure.

Then why did he choose to sign with a team that already had Frank Gore and Kendall Hunter at the running back position?

Because Brandon Jacobs is a fucking moron. For a guy who can barely net 3 yards a carry despite being the size of a LB, he sure bitches about his playing time a lot.

Why waste 45 seconds on a play that's 99.3 percent certain (which it's been since the start of the 2010 season)?

Because 99.3 is not 100 and due to the sheer volume of extra points, that 0.7% is incredibly significant.

I wonder if Peter writes to his credit card company and tells them he doesn't want his 1% cash back because it's just not worth it.

The Royals might be OK.

Hahaha. They gave Guthrie 27M (a guy so bad, Colorado went with a 4 man rotation so they could avoid pitching him) and just traded away a guy who could have been their franchise player for the next 15 years for a 30 year old #2 and a bullpen arm.

Oh right, they could make this trade because Jeff Francoeur had a good season in 2011 (he sucked a bag of dicks last year). That's right folks, they made this trade because Jeff "if OBP is so important why don't they put it on the scoreboard" Francoeur is on the team. This would be like the Nationals not drafting Harper because Jayson Werth was on the team.

You make this trade after you've won the division and you need just one more piece to make a serious run, you don't make this move when you haven't won the division since the 80s. The Royals ownership and front office is the most incompetent in baseball.

This should be fun to watch.

Since they're my local team and I'm not paying an insane amount of money to watch the Phillies be old and mediocre, looks like I'm going to be very bored over the summer.

Snarf said...

The 2013 schedule metric, planned long before Peyton Manning signed with Denver last March, has the AFC West winner playing at the AFC East winner (as in 2012, for some bizarre reason), and sets up the XVIth time Manning's team will play Brady's team since Brady took the starting job for New England in 2001.

There is absolutely nothing bizarre about it. Peter has covered the NFL for how many years? It's on a rotating basis. A team plays all of the teams in its division twice, one division in the opposing conference, one division within its own conference, and two teams from the remaining divisions within conference that finished at the same spot in the standings last year.

So this year, for example, the Ravens played: the entire AFC North x2, the AFC West, the NFC East, and Houston (2011 South winner) and Patriots (2011 East winner). It's not hard.

Also, Peter continues to use words that don't really fit (presumably in an effort to make him sound smarter). Wouldn't a "scheduling metric" be a tool for measuring schedules? Perhaps their difficulty or something to that effect?

Snarf said...

Reading that comment again, I think he means that it's bizarre not alternating the location. Either way, he's the writer, I'm the reader. Burden's on him not to sound like an idiot.

Bengoodfella said...

HH, you think that coach is made up? Very well could be. That's the problem with anonymous sources if you don't trust the person using them.

I didn't know why the number was chosen either. I don't like the idea anyway.

Murray, pretty much. If Manning had played well this year I had a feeling he was going to be the frontrunner for MVP. It's because he was out all last year and it is easy to see how valuable he is. I don't rarely complain Brady is ignored, but he's had a pretty good year.

Waffle, I actually have a tag "Peter King commits random murders" so I am fully prepared for that to happen.

Rich, that's pretty much it. I think Peter felt he had the privilege of being on the phone.

I would Peter writes his credit card company and complains about the 1% cash back in some fashion. He probably complains he can't get the cash back at the beginning of the month before he has spent any money yet. I'm not a huge fan of the PAT, but if the reason to get rid of it is to save time I am sure the NFL will just replace the time spent on the PAT with more commercials. That doesn't help the viewer at all.

I have read a couple "this isn't so bad for the Royals" columns and even if the trade wasn't bad, the idea behind the trade was terrible. This was a win-now move for a team who isn't a position to win now. This was a move that took on salary for a team that claims to have reached its spending limit. Why trade young players for older players if you are the Royals? You take on salary and players who aren't under team control. Jeff Francouer fucks everything up. He's the worst.

The Phillies might be okay this year. They have pitching, plus I have a feeling they end up with Michael Bourn.

Snarf, I think a "scheduling metric" would be a tool to measure schedules. He does think it is bizarre not to rotate locations, but that's just how it works. Either way, I'm pumped for another hyped up Brady-Manning showdown.