Wednesday, December 26, 2012

5 comments Rick Reilly Still Hates Sports and Writing Good Columns about Sports

Most people know Rick Reilly is the worst. Whether it is imploring Stuart Scott to say he broke an injury first on Twitter when this wasn't the case, burying Notre Dame prior to this season only to see them go undefeated, or report a player made the team bus wait for 40 minutes when this wasn't true...he has a history of awfulness. He also recycles his old columns and presents them as new columns with slight re-wording and wears Ed Hardy shirts. Recently, Rick Reilly does us one better and re-wrote a couple of ideas from two old columns into one new column. All he had to do was combine his hatred for sports with his hatred for live football. He claims it makes no sense to attend an NFL game and then lists (because he always has a list) reasons why this is true.

This is the same old tired article that gets written a couple of times a year about how there is too much security at a football game and the fans act too crazy. Rick Reilly really doesn't enjoy sports like football and baseball. That's the difference in this column and the other 200 similar columns that have been written. On Reilly's list of the Top 10 sporting events to see live he has no mention of any football game and includes the Home Run Derby (yawn), the Iditarod (Maybe for the experience around the Iditarod, but not for the actual competition), America's Cup, and the Tour de France (even the most diehard cycling lover would possibly agree three weeks of this race isn't the fifth best sporting event to see live). Rick simply doesn't enjoy the major sports. He doesn't like baseball on television and he doesn't enjoy live football. He enjoys the upper crust sports like golf and sailing. Mingling with someone below his pay level? No thank you, he's above that. Watching a baseball game on television. Boring. Having to be in public with regular football fans? They are just barbarians!

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said recently that the reason NFL ticket sales are down over the past five years is HD television.

That reason, plus the economy...that's a conclusion I can somewhat buy.

Oh, Rog, Rog, Rog. There are so many reasons that NFL games, like teenage boys, are better at home.

Why are teenage boys better at home? Because Rick Reilly likes teenage boys in an inappropriate way and he want to be with them alone at home using football as a lure? I broke it first! Be sure to give me credit for accusing Reilly of liking teenage boys in an appropriate way. Sure, it's libelous, but I was first.

I've mentioned a few before, but how about 20 more?

Acknowledging you are plagiarizing yourself doesn't let you off the hook for being an uninspired and boring writer. It only shows you are aware of your terribleness and lack of new column ideas so you resort to partially copying what you have already written.

There are several reasons to attend an NFL game. It's the experience of cheering with thousands of other fans who cheer for the same team as you. It's about seeing the game from a different perspective than on television. It's the chance to get closer to the field and the players. It's the experience of tailgating with friends and to be able to say, "I was there for that," when something really cool happens. It's about creating memories (wipes away tear). I don't remember every NFL game I've watched on television, but I remember every NFL game I have been to over the last 10 years. Yes an NFL game is expensive, so if a person doesn't choose to go to NFL games then that is his/her choice. Simply because Rick Reilly doesn't like having to attend an NFL game doesn't mean they aren't worth attending for some people. There things a person can see when watching an NFL game in person they wouldn't see on television. Rick loves watching golf live, but what can you see in person that you can't see on television when it comes to golf?

1) At home, you don't have to stand in line to pee.

2) At home, you don't have to stand in line to pee while watching a drunk pee in a sink.

I've seen quite a few things in a public bathroom, but I have never seen a drunk pee in a sink at a sporting event. I'm sure Rick has seen this a lot as he uses the bathroom in the press box and he isn't just writing down stereotypes of fan behavior he hasn't personally seen because he's too good to use the public bathroom at an NFL game.

3) The average cost of a beer at an NFL game is $7.13. In your fridge, it's about a buck. And it's colder. And you can keep the cap if you want.

That is why a person should tailgate before the game and drink beer prior to the game. You can keep the beer cold, eat food with your friends and keep the cap off the beer. Problem solved.

4) At home, you will not get one of those precious beers accidentally poured down your neck.

I'm pretty sure that's only an issue you would have if you are a famous sportswriter who sucks at your job. Welcome to the world, Rick. People know you are stealing money from ESPN and have given up being a quality writer. While I normally wouldn't mind someone stealing money from ESPN, at least do so less blatantly.

At a Monday night game in Phoenix three weeks ago, I was standing on the field when a guy yelled at me, "Hey, Feherty," as he spilled his Budweiser down the neck of the guy in front of him, "You suck!"

In this guy's defense, he got the name wrong, but he got the sucktitude correct.

5) At home, you will not get one of those precious beers purposely poured down your neck. 

Rick just used this exact same reason it's better to watch NFL games at home in reason #4. Not only does Rick rip off prior columns to write this column, he duplicates reasons in this column because he doesn't have enough creativity to get to 20 reasons. So basically Rick is ripping off his old columns, but he can't even rip them off enough to write his new column, so he has to rip off the new column as well.

6) At home, parking is free. At an NFL game, the average cost to park is $27.35, according to Team Marketing Report.

The Denver-Carolina game from early November is the first time I paid for parking to an NFL game since 2003. You just have to simply park far enough away from the stadium to where there is no charge or be lucky that a local business will allow you to park for free. When I did pay for parking at the Denver-Carolina game it cost $10. The average cost to park may be $27.35, but people are lazy and don't want to walk, so that's a reflection on this laziness more than anything else. In my experience, parking can often be found cheaper further away from the stadium.

In San Francisco this weekend, people driving motor homes paid $100. A hundred dollars! And do you know what those people did once they parked those motor homes? Sat in lawn chairs and watched football on HDTV.

Where did these people park? Probably very, very close to the stadium or in a specific section for motor homes. Naturally, in an area for motor homes it is going to cost more to park since the motor home is huge and could hold 6-8 people. Yes, parking is expensive at an NFL game, but my wife has to pay $600 a year just to park in her company's parking garage. She isn't the only one. My sister has to pay about $1200 a year to park in her company's parking garage. So $20 to park for a football game a person actually wants to attend, as opposed to paying for the privilege of driving a car to your job, probably isn't the worst expense some people pay when it comes to parking.

7) The yellow first down line.

If a person requires the yellow first down line and can't figure out what yard line a team needs to get to when attending a football game then that person needs glasses or to pay better attention. The yellow line is a luxury and not a necessity.

8) Your comfy couch. Have you sat in an NFL seat for three-and-a-half hours lately?

Yes I have. I've never been uncomfortable as long as it isn't raining. Even then, I'm not uncomfortable because of the seating situation.

They're approximately the size of American Girl Doll tea chairs. This makes no sense. American seats are getting wider while American stadium seats are getting narrower?

How fat is Rick Reilly that he can't fit in a seat? I know some big people who don't have a problem sitting in seats at a stadium. Also, this small seat situation goes for nearly every sporting event. So if Rick doesn't like the small seats at an NFL stadium then the same problem is present for every major sport.

10) At home, nachos aren't 15 stale round tortilla chips placed in a plastic tray with cold Velveeta cheese squirted into the corner and topped by half a jalapeno sliced thinner than a Matthew McConaughey plot.

Again, tailgate before the game. You can eat before the game and then not be hungry again until after the game is over.

Also, the correct analogy is now "sliced thinner than a Rick Reilly column idea."

11) At home, the chance that a woman might walk out in Page 3 of the Victoria's Secret catalog is 2 percent. At the stadium, 0 percent.

This is stupid and juvenile. Rick and Gregg Easterbrook should get together and ogle women 30 years younger than them. We live in an age where porn and pictures of scantily-clad women are readily available. The only reason a person would list this as a reason to stay home from an NFL game is if that person was overcompensating for something.

13) At the stadium, more and more NFL teams blare ads during timeouts. Does it really take 125 decibels to remind us The Mattress King is insane? At home, you can flip straight over to "Doomsday Preppers."

Yes, but there are still a ton of commercials shown while watching an NFL game at home. You can flip to "Doomsday Preppers" if you want, but when at an NFL game you could talk to the person beside you or marvel at how many/few people are at the game. Of course Rick wouldn't want to talk to normal, average humans while at an NFL game. If there isn't a chance at taking a picture with a celebrity while pretending to choke that celebrity then Rick isn't interested. Not to mention, Rick contradicts himself. His reason #12 was this:

12) Your DVR pause button, in case one does.

Rick complains NFL games move too fast, but then in the very next reason why people shouldn't attend NFL games is because there is too much down time and loud music. That's the chance to pause, when The Mattress King is yelling in your general direction.

15) Your thermostat. Last week, at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, a 40 mph gust broke my umbrella in half, which meant the sideways rain soaked me like a human sponge. And as I stood there, somebody hollered, "Hey, Simmons! You suck!"

I don't believe this. I don't believe a person confused Rick Reilly with Bill Simmons. First off, why would Bill Simmons be at a Steelers game? Second, they don't really even look that much alike. I think Rick is lying when he claims someone said, "Hey, Simmons! You suck!"

But again, this fan did have the right idea, but just yelled it towards the wrong person.

17) There's no need to memorize that "Need Help?" stadium text number on the scoreboard.

(shakes head sadly)

18) At home, nobody murders the national anthem for you. Networks don't show it anymore. At stadiums, I've heard renditions that make you want to rip up the turf and crawl under it.

Yeah, fuck the national anthem. Who cares to hear the national anthem sung if it isn't sung well?

This isn't an audition for American Idol. Many people screw up the national anthem, but it's nice to hear it sung and then see jets fly by right at the end of the song. If you don't enjoy this, you are un-American. Vote McCain/Palin in 2008.

One woman in Atlanta tortured every single note, up and down the scales, until you wanted to walk up to her and hand her sheet music. "Here's the actual song. You should sing it some time."

Rick Reilly: Music Producer-extraordinaire.

19) At home, you do not have to stand because the guy in front of you is in your view. Unless you live with Yao Ming.

So from Rick's complaints about the seats being too small and not being able to see because the person in front of him is blocking his view, I can only assume he is 5'1" and weighs 350 pounds. Otherwise, if he is at an NFL game and wants to sit in his seat the entire game then he deserves not to be able to see. Don't get pissy because you don't like the game (or sports) enough to stand when something exciting happens.

20) Home is much, much cheaper. To take four people to a Dallas Cowboys game with hot dogs and Cokes and some souvenirs will run you $634.78. 

Well, right. If you go to one of the most expensive stadiums in the NFL, buy everyone food and then buy a bunch of bullshit souvenirs it is going to be expensive. Nearly anything can be made expensive if you buy enough needless shit. I could go to Chipotle and spend $150 if I buy a family of four a burrito, chips, a few beers, and some t-shirts to take home.

My God, you could get a 50-inch HDTV at Best Buy for $550 and have enough left to buy 84 beers.

Or you could pay for 1.2% of a Rick Reilly column.

He makes $3 million per year (reportedly), which is $57,692 per week. He writes one column per week, so you could go to a Cowboys game or read 1.2% of this Rick Reilly column. This is 1.2% of this Rick Reilly column: 

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said recently that the reason NFL

Now going to that Cowboys game seems like a good deal, no?

Which is about how many the guy at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans looked like he had had the other night when he yelled, "Hey, Reilly! You suck!"


That sound you heard was Rick Reilly cashing his $57,692 paycheck for this column. If Rick thinks paying $634.78 is a rip off, then it doesn't say much for the deal ESPN is getting for him to write this column. 


JimA said...

I have never seen a drunk pee in a sink at a sporting event.

Really? I used to see it often at the old Chicago Stadium. I thought it was a national thing.

rich said...

1) At home, you don't have to stand in line to pee.

Depends how many people you have over. When I was in Hoboken, going over to my buddies' place in NY meant there were 8 of us sharing one bathroom. There were no actual lines, but we sure had to call next to ensure our spot in line.

However, as JimA pointed out, people piss in the sinks at various events. Again, depends on the city, but I've seen people peeing in a variety of places: sinks, garbage cans (Rangers game at MSG) and once I even saw a dude try to pee in his beer cup (thank you Vet).

Your DVR pause button, in case one does.

So I'm supposed to be outraged by the $25 parking, but I'm supposed to be okay with the $10-$15 per month DVR fee?

Oh and if you live in downtown areas, parking isn't exactly free. Here in Kansas City (yes, even in buttfuck nowhere KC) I pay $70 a month to park my car, in Chicago I was paying almost three times that.

It's also as if he hasn't heard of this thing called "public transportation" that takes you to many of the stadiums that costs maybe 4 bucks round trip.

To take four people to a Dallas Cowboys game with hot dogs and Cokes and some souvenirs will run you $634.78.

Then have each person pay for their own ticket and don't buy any fucking souvenirs. Is there anyone who is going to ask to see the Troy Aikman throwback you spent 200 bucks on as proof that you went to the week 4 Cowboys game?

Merry Christmas everyone, may Gregg and Simmons be hit by an asteroid on 1/1/2013.

jacktotherack said...

What is so funny is Rick loves watching golf live, but it is almost certainly a sport that is best enjoyed at home watching it on TV. In football at least all the action is contained to a 100 yard field. When you attend a live golf event, the action is spread out for MILES. And sure, if you have a press credential like Rick, you can walk inside the ropes and get a good view of the final groups, but if you are just a spectator there is almost no way to follow the final group and get a good look at any of the shots or follow what is going on elsewhere on the course. That's why they sell XM radio earpieces at the course for $5. I have been to a handful of PGA events, I love it. There is a much more ecclectc group of people than you'd imagine and it is fun to get hammered and wander around a beautiful golf course, not to mention get to see the best players in the world do something incredibly well that I suck at. But no one in there right mind would say golf is better to view in person than on TV. Like any other sport it is a completely different experience, but watching on TV makes keeping track of what is going on in the tournament much easier.

My favorite memory from any golf tournament I've attended happened at this year's Ryder Cup and involved none other than Rick Reilly. My buddy and I see Reilly come scurrying by us and my buddy goes "HEY, Rick Reilly how's it going?" He gives us a quick "what's up" to which I look him in the eye and simply say "I hate you." It made my year.

Anonymous said...

RE: Victoria Secret at home. Unless you got phenomenally lucky, the spandex-clad NFL cheerleaders at the game will be a zillion times hotter than your wife even if she is wearing Victoria Secret.

Anonymous said...

Rick just posted a 1300-word column. He plans to recover from this work of epic proportions by taking a 10-day break before returning with 6 straight puff pieces all less than 350 words, followed by a 800-word novella about some cat who fell out of a tree and can now dunk on a 18-inch Nerf hoop (or something along those lines.)

Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I am counting the days till his contract expires.