Thursday, January 17, 2013

11 comments Gregg Easterbrook Decides the NFL Is a Running League Again...At Least Until Next Weekend When It Could Be a Passing League Again

Last week Gregg Easterbrook came up with perhaps the dumbest idea for a running play (and a play to be run continuously nonetheless) an NFL team could use. Gregg suggested the Vikings have Joe Webb and Adrian Peterson run in opposite directions after the snap and apparently this would have confused the Packers so much they would never figure out a way to stop it. It's a dumb play to run continuously and would not consistently work. Of course given how the Packers defended Colin Kaepernick this past weekend maybe the Vikings should have just run the zone-read option the entire game. Gregg also showed an example of where his "game over" comment was proven wrong. He stated the Bengals-Texans game was over when the Bengals went for a field goal in the fourth quarter instead of going for it on fourth down, then later stated the Bengals could have won the game in the closing minutes if Andy Dalton had thrown an accurate pass to A.J. Green. Now one week after repeatedly saying the NFL was a passing league, Gregg reviews the zone-read option and shows how college running tactics are taking over in the NFL.

So in summary from what Gregg told us last week, the NFL is a passing league and a team that can't run the ball can still win the Super Bowl...then Gregg said a team like the Packers can't advance if they solely pass the ball. This week Gregg says the zone-read option is a tactic thriving in the NFL and more teams are going to continue to use it. Of course this is a running play, so I'm not sure how that works in conjunction with Gregg's belief the NFL is a passing league now.

And the divisional round produced a message -- that college football is taking over the NFL.

Watching Colin Kaepernick run the zone-read option against Green Bay was like watching an iPhone versus a Princess rotary dial.

I enjoy how late to the game Gregg Easterbrook is on the zone-read option. Of course he was late to the game regarding Russell Wilson just last week, so I shouldn't be surprised. One year ago, Cam Newton set the record for rushing yards by a quarterback in a season and this year Robert Griffin used the read-option to get the Redskins into the playoffs. But only after Colin Kaepernick used the read-option to beat the Packers does Gregg acknowledge the usefulness of this offensive strategy with a mobile quarterback.

On offense, the Packers were trying to do what all NFL teams have been trying to do since Joe Montana. The Forty Niners were trying to do what college teams are doing right now. And college trumped pro tactics. 

As usual, Gregg leaves out context and pertinent information. The week before the college tactics of the Redskins was defeated by the (mostly) pro offense of the Seahawks. Carolina ran some read-option this year as well and they didn't even make the playoffs. So on the whole, college tactics worked for some teams and didn't work for other teams. These college tactics aren't suddenly going to start taking over the NFL causing the pro-style offense to disappear. Sometimes teams that use some college tactics will beat a pro-style offense and sometimes a pro-style offense will beat a team that uses some college tactics.

Kaepernick rushed for 181 yards, the Niners gained 579 yards on offense -- amazing numbers -- by using the zone read and the Pistol, tactics more common in the Mid-American Conference than the NFL.

Actually, the Pistol is more commonly used by Kaepernick's college team, Nevada, and Nevada was in the WAC when Kaepernick attended Nevada and is now in the Mountain West Conference. So these tactics are more likely found to be used by a Chris Ault-coached team in the Mountain West Conference.

Green Bay's outside linebackers kept crashing -- standard NFL tactics, but death against the zone read. On Kaepernick's 56-yard touchdown run, which put the home team ahead to stay, Green Bay linebacker Erik Walden crashed inside and seemed unaware Kaepernick still had the ball as the San Francisco quarterback roared past him, then outran future Hall of Famer Charles Woodson to the end zone.

I am sure if Colin Kaepernick was an unwanted or a lowly-drafted player then Gregg would see fit to mention his draft position. Because Kaepernick was drafted in the second round, Gregg intentionally leaves out his draft position when discussing his exploits.

Linebackers at Akron or Bowling Green know not to crash against a zone read. But NFL linebackers didn't know it.

Gregg you are exactly right. College teams know how to stop the zone-read, but NFL teams don't. Because college teams were so good at stopping the Kaepernick out of the Pistol at Nevada, that is why Kaepernick won two bowl games at Nevada and passed for over 10,000 yards and rushed for over 4,000 yards in his college career. He's the only Division-I quarterback to ever accomplish that, which is amazing knowing Gregg believes college teams like Akron and Bowling Green knew how to defend the zone-read.

The fireworks at San Francisco show coach Jim Harbaugh put Kaepernick into the lineup midseason over pro-style passer Alex Smith because Harbaugh/West suspected a college offense, in the right hands, would tear up the NFL.

Assuming Gregg is right, why did Harbaugh know this? Because he was super-smart or because he had seen how Griffin and Newton succeeded with parts of their college offense in the game plan? My point is Kaepernick wasn't the first to run this zone-read and I find it interesting Gregg only acknowledges the usefulness of the zone-read after it works in a playoff game. Teams have been running parts of the zone-read all year and Gregg has seemingly ignored it. Now Gregg is acting like the zone-read hasn't been used effectively by some NFL teams all year.

I'm not so sure Gregg is right about why Harbaugh changed quarterbacks from Smith to Kaepernick. I can't read minds like Gregg can, but I would assume Harbaugh put Kaepernick in as the starter because he knew Alex Smith couldn't get the 49ers to the Super Bowl and thought Kaepernick could. This could be because portions of the zone-read could be installed in the game plan or because Kaepernick has a better arm than Smith.

This was misinformation -- Harbaugh/West was trying to give the impression his concern was molding Kaepernick into a pro-style passer, lulling his first-round opponent into not expecting college tactics.

It's always "A" or "B" with Gregg, isn't it? There is never a "C" answer. Harbaugh is turning Kaepernick into a pro-style passer, but he is also incorporating college tactics into the game plan as well.

Atlanta was able to defeat Seattle -- though not contain its offense -- because the Falcons had a bye and an extra week to prepare for college tactics, and knew they would get the Washington-Seattle winner. 

Of course the Falcons had played the Carolina Panthers twice this year and the Redskins once, so they already had experience defending teams with some zone-read in their offensive game plan, but it's more fun to pretend the Falcons defense had never seen the zone-read option before. Actually, I'm pretty sure Gregg isn't even aware of what teams run the zone-read and what teams don't. He's sort of writing by the seat of his pants here fully knowing ESPN doesn't give a shit if what he writes is accurate or not.

The zone read is a fad, and fads always run their course. But last season, Tim Tebow at Denver used the zone read to defeat the Steelers in the playoffs. This season, San Francisco and Seattle used the zone read to win playoff games, and San Francisco is not done.

The zone-read is a fad and most NFL teams don't primarily use the zone-read as their primary offensive weapon, but once it starts working in a game there is no need to stop using it. So some teams will use portions of the zone-read in their offensive game plan, but it doesn't seem to be the primary offensive tactic for most NFL teams (except for maybe Washington). This may help the zone-read become less of a fad if it used as part of the offensive game plan and not the entire basis of the offensive game plan.

In television news, your columnist figures in "Star Spangled Sundays," a four-part NFL Films documentary on the growth of the NFL, currently airing on NBC Sports Network. 

I don't know of a better way to put it. If you are a network that has hired Gregg Easterbrook to talk about football then it is very difficult for me to take you or your documentary very seriously.

Gregg Easterbrook knows the NFL like Frank Caliendo knows funny standup comedy.

Stats of the Divisional Round No. 4: In the postseason, Houston is 2-0 versus Cincinnati, and has never beaten any other team. (Repeat of a Stat of the Wild-Card Round, suggested by many readers including Amy Elrod of Brookline, Mass.) 

I guess this is an interesting statistic, but how many times have the Texans been in the playoffs to beat a team other than the Bengals? Twice in 2011 and 2012. It's a pretty small sample size.

Even Trindon Holliday, who returned two kicks for touchdowns for Denver, found a reserve of sourness within himself at the end. Just before Manning's disaster interception, Holliday fielded a punt at the Denver 14, and ran backward to the 7, where he was tackled. Dante Hall could come out ahead by running backward; no other kick returner in football should ever run backward.

Yes, only Dante Hall should be allowed to run backwards and no other kick returner should do so, especially a kick returner who already had two returned two kicks for a touchdown in this very game. Running backwards is meant for immortals like Dante Hall and not amateurs like Devin Hester or Trindon Holliday. What was Holliday thinking in believing he could run backwards and eventually get a touchdown? It's not like he already had shown he could slice up the Ravens special teams.

Starting on the 7 seemed to put Denver into bundle-of-nerves mode. 

Yes, it was this kick return that made Denver into a bundle-of-nerves and not the historically bad pass defense which led to a 70-yard touchdown reception by Jacoby Jones and the game going to overtime. It wasn't the fact the Broncos gave away a 7-point lead and didn't take advantage of chances to put the Ravens away on third-down in regulation that negatively affected the Broncos. It was this kick return solely.

Atlanta leading 13-0, Seattle reached third-and-1 on the Falcons' 11, and a run was stuffed. Pete Carroll decided to go for it, the manly-man move. TMQ's law of short yardage holds: Do a Little Dance If You Want to Gain That Yard. Misdirection is essential on short-yardage plays. But there was hardly any misdirection, then Russell Wilson handed to fullback Michael Robinson for a straight-ahead quick-hitter and he, too, was stuffed. The play was designed to draw attention to star tailback Marshawn Lynch, who fakes a pitch left, while Robinson goes up the middle. But Lynch took just one step, then came to a halt, standing and watching Robinson -- drawing Atlanta's attention to what was really happening, rather than creating a diversion.

The play was already over by the time Marshawn Lynch had stopped running. The Falcons had sniffed out the play and stopped Robinson from moving forward. So Lynch continuing to pretend he was running with the football was pointless because the Falcons already knew where the ball was. Don't blame Lynch because a fourth-down conversion didn't work. There's always a reason given by Gregg as to why the fourth-down conversions don't work and it is always either the play-caller's fault or the player's fault. Gregg never can accept the defense made a good play.

In a contest Seattle would go on to lose by two points, this sequence was pivotal. The Seahawks gained 491 yards, the best offensive performance of the divisional round. Two failures to gain a single yard doomed their hopes. 

So wouldn't it be fair to say that fortune didn't favor the bold and rather than go for it on fourth-down the Seahawks should have gone for the field goal on fourth down? I know this goes against everything Gregg preaches, but it seems even Gregg acknowledges this play was the difference in the game. Fortune favors the bold...unless it doesn't. Going for it on fourth-down tells your team you are trying to win the game...unless it fails in which case it doesn't help your team at all. It's all outcome-based for Gregg.

Seattle, which boasts of the league's best defensive backfield, blitzed two defensive backs on the play with 19 seconds showing, nickelback Marcus Trufant and nickel safety Winston Guy. But the Hawks didn't need a sack,

I'm sorry, what kind of fucktardery is this? What team doesn't "need" a sack? The game was being played in a dome (which meant no wind on a field goal try) and the Seahawks wanted to keep the Falcons out of field goal range, so they tried to sack Ryan. At what point does a team not need a sack?

and downs weren't a factor -- all Seattle needed was incompletions.

Right, and completions can be created by putting pressure on the quarterback to where he throws the ball poorly or before he wants to. Pressure can be created by blitzing. If pressure was the goal, blitzing wasn't a bad way to achieve that goal.

But there's no longer a fully loaded, manual Accord. As of 2013, Honda believes that buyers of the Accord, its bread-and-butter model for decades, don't want the driver-in-command feeling a stick shift confers. 

They believe this because it is backed up by the fact there are few drivers who want to drive stick shift cars anymore. Honda bases their belief on car sales, which I am sure is a measure of driver interest in stick shifts that Gregg strongly disputes as being accurate.

I am narrowing my search to the Audi 4 and the Acura TSX. I feel motivated to buy a stick-shift sports sedan while this category still exists.


That's the amount I give a shit about what kind of car Gregg is looking to purchase. I'm fairly sure I am not the only one of his readers who feel the same way.

The postseason minkey finally is off the backs of the Falcons. 

A "Pink Panther" reference or a typo? I say it is a "Pink Panther" reference because that seems like something Gregg would reference.

The Falcons ran a beautiful play-fake touchdown pass on first-and-goal at the Seattle 1. If you're going to play-fake at the goal line, do it on first down, when the defense is primed for a rush, not on second or third down, when the defense has stopped a rush and expects pass. 

Gregg needs to teach a class on football so he doesn't keep all this important football knowledge to himself. If you are going to play-fake on the goal line, do it on first down. The defense is ALWAYS expecting rush on first down, while the defense is ALWAYS expecting a pass on second or third down. If I were in Gregg's class so he could teach me his football expertise, I would ask what is the defense ALWAYS expecting on second down if a team tries to run the ball on first down and fails? Are they expecting a rush or a pass? I am sure Gregg would have an answer that was completely horseshit. It's so good to know that Gregg knows what the defense is expecting on a certain down near the goal line. Gregg is either a football genius or he constantly makes shit up. I'll let you decide which.

Leading 27-14 late, Ryan threw a silly interception into double coverage, setting in motion Seattle's near win. If Atlanta takes a big lead against San Francisco, cover your eyes.

If the Falcons jump out to a big lead, boy they are going to be in trouble against the 49ers. I guess the Falcons are better off not trying to jump out to a big lead against the 49ers so they can ensure they win the game. So the Falcons should try not to score too many points and don't try to get sacks when they don't need a sack. That should be their offensive game plan.

Seriously, how full of shit is Gregg Easterbrook?

A 20-yard pass down the middle followed by a timeout -- not easy but possible, Atlanta had just done exactly that in 6 seconds -- would put the Hawks in position for a long field goal try to win.
Inexplicably, Seattle ran a short sideline route to Doug Baldwin, who frantically sprinted out of bounds to stop the clock -- when Seattle had timeouts!

But Seattle did have timeouts, but if they had tried to throw the ball any further down the field then the game clock could have run out and Baldwin got out of bounds by the time the Seahawks could have called at timeout. There is time off the clock between a head coach calling timeout and the official signaling for timeout. Baldwin was able to get out of bounds quick enough to where a timeout wasn't necessary. There simply wasn't enough time to run a much longer play and call a timeout before the game clock ran out.

Why on earth did Seattle call a short sideline route when holding two timeouts?

Because if they had run a longer route then the game clock would have run out. I know Gregg is an idiot when it comes to time and how time works (he really struggles with specificity of time), but if the Seahawks had run a much longer route then the clock definitely would have run out. It's just basic common sense. Maybe they could have gotten a longer sideline route completed, but even that was a risk. Anyway, it's not like the Seahawks had no success with a Hail Mary pass this year. 

If the Pats stay careful with the football, the last hurrah for Brady (and maybe for Bill Belichick) may await in New Orleans.

"The last hurrah?" So Belichick and/or Brady are retiring after the Super Bowl if they win it?

Over on offense, trailing 24-13 late in the third quarter, the Texans faced third-and-7 on the New England 38. Four-down thinking should be used here -- since you know you'll go on fourth down. Matt Schaub took a five-step drop and then threw a panic pass directly into the hands of a defender for an interception.

Yeah, this pass wasn't directly into the hands of a Patriots defender. This ball was thrown over the defender (Rob Ninkovich for those of us who like specificity in the description of a play that occurred) and he jumped up in the air and caught the pass. It wasn't a brilliant pass, but it also wasn't thrown directly into Ninkovich's hands. He had to make a play to make get the interception.

Before the game, Watt danced and stomped on the Patriots' logo. Boast after you win, not before you lose! New England leading 10-3, Watt stopped Ridley for a yard loss, then jumped up and performed an elaborate finger-pointing routine. Hey everybody, look at me! Dancing on the field about a routine tackle while your team is behind: ugh. Watt had a terrible game -- one tackle, half a sack, invisible for extended periods, often pancaked by Logan Mankins -- but limitless energy for self-promotion.

But Gregg, media members like Peter King like J.J. Watt so they won't call him out for immature antics when his team is losing. It pays to be on the good side of guys like Peter King because you can act like a dipshit and not get called out for it, when there are other athletes who get criticized by Peter for celebrating when their team is losing.

Atlanta leading 20-7 late in the third quarter, the Falcons faced third-and-9 on the Seattle 22. The key thing is to hold Atlanta to a field goal. A sack wouldn't alter the equation much, since Atlanta still would be in field goal range. Six-man blitz! Matt Ryan throws for 11 yards, and a moment later, the visitors trail 27-7. 

Plus, the Seahawks didn't even need a sack at this point in the game. A sack was worthless and it isn't like pressure on the quarterback can cause him to make a bad decision. Why create pressure on the quarterback or go for a sack when the defense doesn't even need a sack? Gregg gets so tired of teams trying to get a sack when they don't even need one.

Quarterbacks get too much praise when things go well -- see for example the beginning of this column -- and too much blame when things go poorly.

Gregg says quarterbacks get too much praise when things go well, but too much blame when things go poorly, and then references his own discussion of Colin Kaepernick in the beginning of this column. So is Gregg saying he has given Kaepernick too much praise? If so, why the hell is he praising him so much if he knows it is folly?

When the Bills rushed for 341 yards in a playoff game against the Dolphins in 1995, I thought no NFL team would ever again dominate the line of scrimmage in such fashion. I thought this until the Niners rushed for 323 yards in the playoffs against Green Bay, a team that boasts of its defense and whose linebacker Clay Matthews stars in not one but three series of television commercials. 

This is as opposed to the 49ers team that stars in a Visa commercial, of course. Also, when did numbers of commercials become the only standard upon which we determine if an athlete is any good at this sport or not? 

It was telling that on the fourth-and-5, Aaron Rodgers trotted off passively, not arguing with McCarthy to leave the offense on the field. Rodgers knew the Packers were beaten. He and his coach had quit on the game. 

Gregg made a remark like this last week too. When did publicly questioning your head coach's decision become a way of showing leadership? I missed this happening. I have no issue with a quarterback disagreeing with his head coach, but is it really showing leadership to throw a hissy-fit on the way to the sidelines when you disagree with your coach's decision?

The Ravens never quit, despite trailing in high altitude and facing the league's No. 2 defense.

Part of the reason the Ravens never quit is because they were never down by that many points to the Broncos. You know, that had something to do with their ability to not quit.

Baltimore's aging front seven sacked Peyton Manning thrice and hit him five times -- Manning gets antsy when he's hit, and this showed in the overtime interception.

Nearly every quarterback in the NFL starts to get antsy when he gets hit repeatedly.

Manning is 9-11 on his career in postseason games, Flacco is 7-4. Yet Manning is showered with effusive praise while all Flacco ever hears is complaints. And don't bother to compare their endorsement deals!

Gregg will have you believe the only difference in Peyton Manning and Joe Flacco is their playoff record and their endorsement deals. Other than the fact Peyton Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history and Joe Flacco isn't really an elite quarterback, there are a few other differences in why Manning has gotten effusive praise and Flacco has not.

The Sports Illustrated issue received by readers the day before the divisional round predicted on the cover that the Super Bowl would pit Denver versus Green Bay. Both teams immediately lost. As noted by reader Bion Chen of Chicago, the issue touting Green Bay and Denver was cover-dated Jan. 14. The Packers and Broncos were out on Jan. 12. 

Magazines are routinely dated one week ahead. This isn't some bizarre form of Magazine Creep that Gregg Easterbrook should comment continuously on. Please tell me he won't comment continuously on this.

As backup receiver Jacoby Jones ran a fly -- exactly the pattern a defense should expect in this situation! -- the cornerback on his side, Tony Carter, just let him run by, covering no one. Carter was busy making the high school mistake of looking into the backfield trying to guess the play, rather than guarding his man.

Incorrect as always. Part of the reason I can't take Gregg seriously is that he completely doesn't understand NFL defenses. He doesn't understand that NFL defenses don't always run man-defense and sometimes a team is running a zone on defense. So the Broncos appeared to be a deep zone and it was Carter's job to let Jones go past him and then allow Jones to get picked up by the safety or at least allow for safety help. It's how the defense was designed. Gregg is too stupid (and yet he constantly claims to understand NFL defenses) to know Carter let Jones go by him because Jones was leaving Carter's zone. He wasn't supposed to follow Jones and passed him off to Rahim Moore.

Del Rio could have called timeout to make sure his charges understood to keep everything in front of them. 

Yes, he could have. He also could have expected his players not to be complete dipshits and keep the offensive player in front of them. This play was in no way Jack Del Rio's fault.

The Broncos took over on their 20 with 31 seconds remaining, holding two timeouts, needing a field goal to win. Peyton Manning is among the best quick-strike quarterbacks ever. Fox had him kneel. Fox made this mistake twice! At the end of the first half, Denver took possession on its 20 with 35 seconds remaining, holding all three timeouts. Fox had the Broncos jog to the locker room. 

He's done this probably 20 times as a head coach in his career, including at least once this season with the Broncos that I have seen. I'm surprised sportswriters are just noticing this.

Next Week: Arugula! Arugula! Clear the decks, prepare to dive! The Tuesday Morning Quarterback Challenge returns, for a limited engagement.

(For those who don't recall the good old days of a weekly TMQ Challenge, readers once voted that the diving horns of submarines in World War II movies went, "Arugula!") 

And I thought haikus were a bad column gimmick for Gregg to use. 


JimA said...

Fortune favors the bold, but in this case, they went for it as a "manly-man" move, whatever that is. That trumps whatever fortune will do.

Bengoodfella said...

I wish I had a list of what trumps what in Gregg's opinion. So teams shouldn't be bold and be manly. Fortune doesn't favor the bold who are also manly.

Snarf said...

Gregg has a very odd position on masculinity. On one hand he won't stop acting extremely creepy regarding "cheer babes" in addition to letting us know he's "pro-topless." On the other hand he decries "manly-man" moves, wants to see more male beefcake in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition as well as in Jockey ads featuring Tebow, and seemed giddy about some woman declaring the "end of men." I think it's safe to say he's confused (and embarrassing the crap out of his son who goes/went to a HS near the one I graduated from in Montgomery County, MD).

Bengoodfella said...

Snarf, it's like Gregg is pro-creepy. Whatever is creepy is what he likes. That may be why he acts creepy towards both sexes. I think he is confused as well. He is pro-topless, likes male beefcakes, and has a weird cheerleader fetish. Maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis.

rich said...

Peter King resigns with SI for 5 years.

Better or worse than Matt Cassel for 5 years? Discuss!

Snarf said...

Who would be a worse person to sit next to on an airplane?

-Will comment on all of the products in Skymall and why they're ridiculous
-Will explain in way too much detail why the movies on the plane are unrealistic
-Will discuss the creeeeeeppppppp related to the inflight magazine talking about events going on in cities across the country next month
-Will cheer on flight attendant professionalism if they're willing to show some skin

Peter King:
-Will stare at you the entire trip then write about your actions in MMQB
-Will complain about the shitty coffee on the airplane, specifically that it tastes like it was brewed in a flight attendant station
-Will incessantly name drop and tell stories about himself
-Will be totally into the precocious kid flying by himself for the first time in the row next to you

Eric C said...

Or maybe Bill Simmons:
- Will name drop like crazy
- Will complain that the airplane doesn't have 4 DirectTVs he can watch
- He will spend 20 minutes telling you the seat is uncomfortable by using an impossible-to-follow analogy that only serves to make him sound smart
- He will tell you your opinion on things
- If the plane crashes he will spend time telling you why it was destined to in hindsight

JD said...

Or Jemele Hill:

- When you offer to trade your seat so she doesn't have to sit in the middle, she flips out and calls you a racist and explains to you "seat" is somehow race code for her sweet black ass.

- Will have a conversation on her cell phone while the plane is attempting to take off that revolves around that racist Steve Williams and his racist attempt to shove a golf club up Tiger Woods' backside.

- Will eventually have a conversation with you and start it by asking if LeBron James is a hermaphrodite then spend the next five hours telling you why he's not.

- Will attempt to tell you in Spanish that she isn't looking for a relationship after your elbow grazed her forearm while turning your book page.

- Will encourage you to pick up some "road beef" after she finds out you're away from home for several days. Ssys it'll make you feel better.

Nothing original here, in fact it's all a reminder that the BotB archives are worth a read. Thanks for the great writing guys.

rich said...

or Rick Reilly:

- Will remind you why your favorite sport sucks

- Will omplain that the airline didn't apologize enough for any delays

- Will tell you why it was better "back in the day"

- Will actually want to talk about golf

- Will make puns that were outdated in 1995 years ago.

JR Ewing Theory said...

Picture this, if you can: It's me, House, Hench, Skinner, and TRod at the airport bar at LAX, all of us ready to get on an airplane. Vegas, baby! We somehow coordinated this huge Bachelor Party weekend - with NO BACHELOR!!! - like my boy Sudekis in Hall Pass. (Well, except for the biggest perk in the Hall Pass arrangement. I'm not Andrei Kirilenko.) No wives, no children - just an awesome weekend with the fellas.

Only problem: why wasn't I stoked?

It's the whole flying thing. It just doesn't work anymore. Don't get me wrong, flying is the only way to get anywhere, but the whole process just bums everybody out. I look over at Hench and he looks like Madeline Stowe after Daniel told her he wants to get back with Emily on Revenge. And after House gives me a classic season two Doogie Howser look, I get to thinking: How can we improve the whole flying experience?

Let's be honest: the worst thing we can do is nothing. That's the way we've always done it! is the worst reason to keep flying like we fly. There's no good reason not to change. It was like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day: we're not getting out of this time loop if we do things the exact same way. So here's how we're going to fly from now on:

1) You still have to arrive at the airport two hours early. Unless you have a really good reason why you're late. So when I become head of the FAA, we're going to have a Tardy Excuse Arbiter at every airport to determine whether your story checks out. It's like in the NFL - they can call holding on every play if they wanted to, but they have people on hand to figure out which penalties are legitimate and which ones are not worth throwing the flag. (My deputy FAA head: Alfonso Rebeiro. But only if he dresses like Carlton Banks and does the dance whenever appropriate)

2) That fake TSA ad they did on SNL a couple of years ago? That's real now. You can have your luggage checked by the standard agents or for $20 more, you'll get the sexed-up version. You think we won't get the national debt paid down in like seven months? Who says no to this??

3) Planes need multiple sets of wings. Remember when Colt McCoy got injured in the national championship game against Alabama a few years back? Texas had only one set of wings on that airplane and they crashed big-time. But every airplane you board today is Colt McCoy airlines. When I'm head of the FAA, all commerical passenger jets will have at least two sets of wings, and we'll have about three airline fatalities per year. And all of them will be Cavs fans jumping out mid-flight when Kyrie Irving signs with the Lakers.

4) Hooters Air is back! Let me get this straight - we had Hooters Girls serving us in mid-flight and this was a BAD thing?? Since when does America turn down huge jugs and short-shorts? We don't usually whiff on such a juicy hanging curveball. In fact, since I'm head of the FAA, I'm in charge of flight personel uniforms. Flight attendants are in Hooters gear and pilots have to have bad Burt Reynolds mustaches.

And just like that, I've solved flying forever. Why do we make this so hard?

As for the rest of the trip: Vegas, baby, Vegas!

Bengoodfella said...

Rich, I have to say better...but only b/c at least I get a weekly post out of what PK writes. I get nothing but despair from watching Matt Cassel QB.

Snarf, Peter King. I have a feeling I could shut Gregg up by talking back to him point-by-point until the point we both get frustrated and stop talking. Peter would criticize me in his column after we have gotten off the plane and it would make me angry...but I would have no way of getting back in touch with him. Peter would somehow manage to be loftier than Gregg I think.

Eric, I think that's worse. I would be prone to physical violence if he name-dropped too much or acted like he was too cool to talk to me. Plus, Bill only takes private jets at this point I am sure.

JD, that's tough too. She would create a fake argument and then disprove it. I probably would try to ignore her. Not sure if I could do it and then would be kicked off the plane for being rude to her.

Rich, now I KNOW Rick only takes the most private of jets. He has no need to sit with the common people who despise him at this point.

To be honest, they all sound terrible to me. I would want none of them to sit near me.

JR, holy shit. That's pretty eerie. You have read his book too much that now you can imitate him. Name-dropping, references to pop culture, lists, bad pop culture references, bad analogies, and his ability to solve absolutely every problem that he knows absolutely nothing about.