The league is still a buzz with Brett Favre's un-retirement talk, but first, let's talk about the buzz on Buzz. There has been a lot of talk among league insiders, such as myself, about Buzz Bissinger and his rant at Will Leitch of Deadspin.com on CostasNow. Most of it focusing on how that is going to affect the newspaper business after blogs are no longer read and when the time comes that most people will prefer to get their news from the league insiders, such as myself. I know Buzz very well and we had lunch with Brett Favre last week together. Buzz told me his side of the story and I understand his point of view, but he left after 10 minutes because he said he was weirded out a little bit when he looked at Brett and me so we did not get to talk long. Cinnamon buns. After he left, Brett agreed with me that he thought Buzz's tone was a little harsh to Mr. Leitch but the message should not have been affected. We agree with each other that Buzz had a point and just because it is a journalist's job to tell a story sometimes does not mean they don't get worked up and act like a crazed drug addict.
I consider myself first and foremost a league insider, because I can get interviews with athletes based on my good personality and wealth of knowledge on proper grammar, and not just because I work for a major news organization. Pass the rolls please. In a way, I am a forerunner for the bloggers because I put a lot of my personal life in my columns and I shoot from the hip and play no favorites among the journalism world. Brett agreed with me on my view of myself at the lunch we attended together, without his wife or any other adult present.
Most blogs are put together in bad taste with horrible grammar, curse words, general filth, and most of all a lack of food and drink references. These writers mock other individuals and try to make a mockery of the sacred industry of asking questions to athletes so they can answer them with non-answers or cliches. I read Kissing Suzy Kolber the other day and boy did I feel old. I did not realize Suzy was a sex symbol for bloggers, but I guess that is one more major difference in the media and those hiding in their pajamas in the basement who write blogs. Brett told me that he did not think Suzy was that attractive either at the lunch we had together, without anyone else around, and I agree with him. I like chicken tortillini. As a league insider I used to be on HBO and have been on CostasNow for many different reasons, but mostly to talk about Brett. There is a general feeling among my colleagues that blogs are dumbing down news reporting overall. Deadspin claims they report without a bias or by showing favorites. All media is able to do that as well, but do not have to use foul language or coarse descriptions of animal sex. I just ate an entire pizza. The journalism field is being sabotaged by those who don't know how to do an entire interview with a man in a towel in a locker room. Sometimes Brett doesn't even wear anything at all. Try getting a good volley of questions going when you can see a man's penis and see how you do. All you know as a journalist is that if you don't ask the question to the athlete in the right fashion, you may not get the correct cliche and soundbite. So you have to stay focused on your line of questioning and not Brett's private parts.
Now on to the main issue, Brett Favre. I got to spend the entire day with Brett recently, all alone and there was literally no one else around the entire time. After speaking with Brett at coffee after our lunch with Buzz Bissinger, it seemed as if he was truly thinking about returning to the NFL. I can't get some of the things he said at dinner that same day, while we ate shrimp kabobs with a light ranch sauce and drank coffee, out of my head. He feels let down by the Packers and I think he should, because they went out and got two QB's only a month after he retired. Brett told me a little later, as we watched a movie on the couch together, that he felt a little betrayed and the Packers should wait a few years to find a new replacement for him. We joked for hours about how he would like to show up the day before the first game and he could run the offense better than the guys they got now. I know he could and I would hope he does. Chocolate makes me horny.
The real key here is Deanna Favre. She does not really care what Brett does but just wants him to make a decision and do it within a quick time span. Brett and I think she is out of line. She wants him to spend more time with the team, and coming back to the NFL would really cut into that. Brett wants us to spend more time with the kids, just me and him, so there is something to be said for that. Family first is what I always say. Then dessert. Brett says Deanna's main problem is that I talk about him and her more than I mention my own wife, who I have never mentioned in my columns to my knowledge. Well, when my wife can run around the field like a little boy and toss a football with so much joy, maybe she will get a mention, but not until then. See, this is real blogging guys.
Fine Fifteen
1. New England- if they had gotten Chris Long, who I know wanted to be there in New England and I know New England wanted him, and I know this because I am a league insider, then I would rank them higher. I think Tom Brady is really motivated for this year to be perfect and I know Randy Moss is as well. Mmmm...bread sticks. The Patriots will be in the Super Bowl when all is said and done.
2. Indianapolis- Peyton Manning is driven to prove he can win two Super Bowls and I believe him. They will be in the Super Bowl at the end of the year as well.
3. Green Bay- only if Brett comes back, otherwise they fall to #24. Brett has that unbridled joy that motivates his teammates. He also has donuts. I think if Brett comes back, anything less than a Super Bowl victory is a failure. He told me this in words when we talked on the phone last night.
4. San Diego- Phillip Rivers has to grow up this year and if he does not, this team does not stand a chance.
5. Jacksonville- David Garrard has big muscles and I think he looks good in his uniform, so he and his team gets placed here. Call it a stretch and I will call you a racial slur. Fuck off.
6. Philadelphia- call it a hunch. Donovan McNabb is fired up this year and so am I. Pass me more grits.
7. Minneapolis- they run the ball well. That is all I really know about them. Brett won't let me talk about them.
8. Dallas- this team is ripe for an explosion this year and not in a good way. Romo reminds me of Favre in that they are both white and from the South. I don't think Romo gets too much credit for being a great QB. Even great QB's can't win home playoff games when they are the favorite two years in a row.
9. New York Giants- Eli Manning reminds me of Peyton Manning for some reason, but neither of them remind me of Tony Romo and Brett Favre. I enjoy mussels covered in hot sauce.
10. New York Jets- Eric Mangini is going to turn it around this year. He has a lot of ex-Patriots on his team and is doing the same things Belichick did in the beginning of his career at New England, except cheating of course.
11. Cleveland- Brady Quinn is going to be a real stud and he looks like it. We went to lunch the other day and had chicken pasta with peas mixed in and he agreed with me that a league insider such as myself will be fine if Brett retires.
12. Pittsburgh- if they can run the ball and score more points than the other team in every game they play, they have a chance to win the Super Bowl.
13. Seattle- I spoke with Mike Holmgren about Brett Favre and he said he thinks Brett is not going to retire either.
14. Washington- I just like this team, I don't have a reason why I like them, but that coach of theirs is going to be a winner. He used to be the QB coach for Holmgren who used to coach Favre so he must know something. I think I spilled some spaghetti on me.
15. New Orleans- This is the year the two back system they have in place really takes off and if they can get the Shockey trade through, they will win the Super Bowl.
16. Carolina- they love to grind it out like a John Fox team loves to do. I don't know anything else about them really. I ate too much shrimp gumbo.
Quote of the Week I
"I think Brett Favre is coming back provided everyone bends over backwards for him to be successful and he is able to coast on his reputation for one more year."
--Some guy in a bar to me the other day. I murdered him and buried his lifeless body outside of a Starbucks.
Quote of the Week II
"What can I do for you sir?"
--Clerk at Starbucks. I got a chocolate latte with a cinnamon swirl, but the clerk seemed really uppity to me. What happened to customer service here in America? I am a motherfucking league insider, treat me with respect. I followed him after work, slit his throat with my laptop disk drive and grinded his body through the new bean grinders they have at Starbucks. After that I got one of the new bran muffins they have, which are too heavy on the bran if you ask me.
Stat of the Week
Three times in one night. Ask Brett what that means, he knows.
Factoid of the Week That May Only Interest Me
The Red Sox have only won the Division once in the past 10 years. I did not know that at all. Probably some statistic a blogger came up with. I want more cake please.
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of The Week
What happened to first class seating? I can hardly stretch out, listen to my IPod and get free food service in some of the small spaces airplanes provide now. How is a person supposed to live like this? Then I checked into the hotel and there was no mint on my pillow. What happened to customer service? When I asked the cleaning lady about it, she spoke in some different accent with words I could not understand. I used her cleaning supplies to sedate her and then tortured her in the bathroom with my new ballpoint pens Matt Hasselbeck gave me. She squealed like a piggie very loudly so I had to put a towel in her mouth until she choked to death, while I enjoyed a nice cream brule from room service. I guess pain is understood in every language.
Ten Things I Think I Think
1. I think the Patriots really wanted Chris Long. By the way, his number is unlisted, does anyone out there know his number? I need to call him really, really badly. I enjoy cake.
2. I think if Tom Brady really wanted to, he could throw 100 TD passes. He just wants to have some respect for the game. I called him to confirm this and he never called me back. I texted him and he never answered. His number must have changed.
3. I think SpyGate is over with now that they have no further proof the Patriots were cheating. It's a good thing because this was a black eye for the league and Arlen Specter should have backed off earlier. Cheesecake is delicious. The Patriots have suffered enough for cheating, every team does it, so I think it should be over now.
4. I spoke with Sgt. McGuire today and he said all is well overseas and they feel like the tide is starting to turn for the better. I speak to him a lot because it makes me feel like I am contributing something to this country other than coffee references and useless football facts. I am deeply depressed and the illusion of being productive and useful keeps me alive. Cheeseburgers do too.
5. Arizona is always the favorite underdog by most sportswriters at the beginning of the year. I will believe it when they win a Super Bowl or two.
6. The Chiefs had a great draft and I really liked it a lot. It takes a lot skill and planning to be such a bad team you get tons of good draft picks. Then you have to choose good players at those positions. Kudos Chiefs, you have done well.
7. I think Jemele Hill hit that Karl Malone article right on earlier this week. We need a moral police in this society, people who can call athletes out who are married and have two children with their current wife but had a child when they were younger and no longer have contact with that child. While most athletes ignore all of their children by multiple women, it is worse to make a mistake when you are younger and then try to settle down your life with the woman you love and have children. I need more pastries for my office. It would be stupid to call out the athletes, like Chad Johnson who has children by four different women, go for Karl Malone because made one mistake. Good job Jemele, I commend you.
8. Chris Long is going to be an All Pro for seasons to come and I know for a fact, because I am a league insider, that the Patriots wanted him very badly. Brett agrees with me.
9. I don't know how Jay Mariotti does his job. He does not do research and does not enter the locker rooms to get interviews with players in towels, like me a league insider does, so how does he churn out great article after great article?
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
A. Coffeenerdness: Is there anything better than the new barista set up at Starbucks? I stole one of those last week and installed it in my house and it worked great. Has anyone tried the Green River Mountain Trail roast from Starbucks? Delicious, though it will keep you awake for days. I love huge casseroles.
B. Mr. Francona, your best lineup is with Ramirez and Ortiz hitting near each other. Has anyone in the world heard of this Jed Lowrie fellow? Just jumped on the scene didn't he? I think he and Ellsbury will lead the league in triples together one of these years.
C. I dislike most Buddhists.
D. I don't get House. I just don't get it. They talk using funny words and are not quite as witty as they used to be. I found out yesterday a British guy plays "House," so do they just dub an American accent over his British one? I don't get it.
E. Brett agrees.
F. Quick update on Mary Beth, she is doing well at work and really gets kidded a lot for me mentioning her softball games in my columns. Brett and I love her so much.
(Ed. note: I had way too much fun doing this.)
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