I love a Bill Simmons mailbag almost as much as he loves to read white men between the ages 18-25 trying to talk and act like him in his mailbag questions. Part 2 will be up tomorrow (hopefully) simply because Simmons is putting up his Part 2 tomorrow. This wasn't his most exciting mailbag. Don't you like how I get everyone pumped up to read?
Part 1.
Q: I would like to nominate you, Bill Simmons, for a new Sports Czar position in the Obama cabinet. It's a position that's needed in government, no? You're the only one who can save this country from future sports missteps.-- Travis, Minneapolis
Now I have one more reason to hate Minnesota, thanks Travis from Minneapolis! We are all very familiar with Bill Simmons' constant need to have the focus and attention on him and his ideas at all times, so he is going to gladly accept this position. Whether it is GM of the Bucks or trying to save basketball in Seattle, Simmonsologists know Bill has an uncanny ability to make anything about him and less about the cause.
On the first week of 2009, I will post a complete platform for my bid to become the first Sports Czar.
Another opportunity well taken by Bill to make it about him. Rather than merely talk about the changes he would make to sports, Bill has to be campaigning for something and putting the focus on him. Just like when he wanted to be the GM of the Milwaukee Bucks. I greatly dislike him for this. I could argue with every single of one the things he lists after this but I will just cover a couple of them.
Bill is also the least qualified person in the world to be the Sports Czar...and I will never ever use the term Sports Czar again since he is going to use it 1,000 times in the future.
Creations: a full-length indoor basketball court in the White House, with all games involving Obama televised on NBA TV
I swear to God if Obama only plays basketball the entire time he is in the White House this would just make ESPN's day.
championship belts for the defending NBA champs that they must bring to every game; a hierarchy of alcoholic beverages for baseball celebrations (cheap beer, then good beer, then cheap champagne, then good champagne); relegation for Major League Baseball (a 30-team league with the bottom two teams forced to move to Triple-A for a year).
Only Bill Simmons has the ability to combine ideas that are not funny, bad ideas, and fucking stupid together into coherent thoughts.
Eliminations: The backstroke, butterfly and breaststroke events in the Olympics;
Why? I think the butterfly is the most exciting stroke. If I had an opinion of course...
If I had to eliminate something from sports, it would be Bill Simmons talking about college athletics. That just always irritates me.
baseball managers cannot wear uniforms anymore;
This is a part of baseball I really like. Dumb idea.
no NHL ticket can cost more than $75; no tax write-offs for season tickets,
Basically Bill wants socialism.
no more sideline reporters unless they agree to dress like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman";
Hate the movie, hate Julia Roberts. She is ugly. Also, more socialism from Bill. I look forward to his reign as Sports Asshole.
Restructures:
Gus Johnson will be promoted to CBS' lead play-by-play guy for March Madness and the Final Four;
I wish Bill would just fuck Gus Johnson and quit flirting with him.
the Olympics and World Cup will happen every three years (not four).
There is absolutely no reason for this. None. At what point are regular readers of Bill going to realize he knows nothing about sports. Do these ideas not tip you off a little bit?
New rules:
the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" will replace the Australian Open as tennis' fourth major (with the top six male and female tennis players competing against MTV cast members);
Nobody likes the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. It peaked like six years ago and the only losers who watch the show are either stoned, drunk or Bill Simmons.
Maybe I have just outgrown the phase where I wanted to watch other people get drunk and yell at each other, so I should not judge, but I still think it is weird for a middle age man to write this.
Tropicana Field is immediately blown up;
Bitter Bill doesn't like Tropicana Field. Bitter Bill can't get over the fact his team lost. Bitter Bill is a big douchebag.
Q: Watching the end of the Jets-Chiefs game, you know what I hate most about the obligatory "number of game-winning drives in Favre's career" graphic? The fact that if he didn't suck so much for the first 50 minutes of the game he wouldn't need those game-winning drives. Really? You're putting a last-minute game-winning drive against Kansas City on your résumé? Does that negate the three INTs you already threw?-- Aaron, Montpelier, Vt.
SG: Back in the day, this e-mail would have caused a riot in Wisconsin. Now? It's only causing a riot in Peter King's office.
What does a man do when his two objects of hatred get in a fight? I stand back and just let it happen. Please let it happen, please let King Peter read Bill Simmons' comment and get mad and put something in his MMQB and there end up being a cage match where King Peter suffocates Bill's head in Peter's 3 foot diameter thighs. Please...
Q: Milwaukee recently passed Houston as America's fattest city. Is this because CC Sabathia moved there?-- Jeremy, Sydney, Australia
Australia? J.S. is that you? That would be awesome.
SG: I mean, not entirely. Here's the part of the column where I send Hank Steinbrenner subliminal messages, in a tiny font that he hopefully won't realize he just read, telling him to spend $150 million on Sabathia.
God, I hope the Red Sox sign Sabathia and he mistakes Dustin Pedroia for a nacho and devours him. Or Sabathia could just stay injured the entire time he played for the Red Sox, either way. I just want to see Bill get pissed off because he has already avoided the J.D. Drew bullet, where Drew decided not to show off his poor hitting capabilities that St. Louis, Atlanta, and Los Angeles had already seen. Instead of showing his true suckatude, Drew actually develops into a good baseball player. Actually he was always a great baseball player, he is just not as frustrating anymore.
Q: C'mon Bill, you can't tell us about the "what's staying and what's going ritual" for your dresser without mentioning your top five sacred T-shirts. The ones you will have interred with you in your casket. The same ones that probably are on the Sports Gal's "top five to secretly throw out someday" list.-- Noah L., Chicago
Don't Bill's readers have a bizarre fascination with the Sports Gal? I bet she is the same type of person Bill is, where you could be with them at a party and all they will tell you is stories about their life until you are forced to fake getting the shits from the food being served so you run to the bathroom to avoid him for 15 minutes and then Bill wanders over to the television to watch the game and make "funny" comments. I bet no one likes Bill at parties...he is the guy who tries to be funny, makes up all kinds of fake monikers for players and ends up arguing with you for two hours about how many seasons of the original Knight Rider there were.
Anyway, I won't tell you my entire pitching staff because that would be boring.
Oh yeah, reading about the rest of your clothes is just a fucking joy to listen to. Yes, he called his shirts a "pitching staff." If you ever met someone who referred to their clothes like this would you ever forgive yourself for not punching them in the face repeatedly?
In this particular case, I flew to San Fran to hang out with my buddies Bish, Mikey and Hopper (the heart of the original Vegas crew) for a few days.
If somebody referred to someone a group of friends as "the heart of the original Vegas crew" would you ever forgive yourself for not keying their car?
Read this whole paragraph of douchebaggery: (If you watch The Office, imagine Ryan the Temp saying this about his time in New York and then ask yourself if Bill is the biggest douche you have ever heard about.)
The weekend started off with Mikey showing us a then-legendary porn scene -- one where Rocco Siffredi randomly decided to dunk a co-star's head into a toilet -- which we analyzed like it was the Zapruder film for a good two to 10 hours. Then we flew to Vegas and gambled for three straight days, and every time someone got killed by a blackjack hand we made a variation of a joke about someone getting their head rammed in the toilet by Rocco. Vegas is the place where you beat the same joke into the ground, but this went to another level -- flushing sounds, gurgling, "No, no Rocco, not again!" and everything else. It just never got old. My buddy Bish and I also had our legendary comeback run at Treasure Island that I have referenced a few times, which culminated in me peeing next to the WWF's Undertaker. Now that is a Hall of Fame Weekend.
Apparently Vegas, Boston, Los Angeles and anywhere Bill Simmons is are all of the places you beat the same joke into the ground.
I have come to the conclusion there is no Sports Gal. There is no way a woman would ever want to meet a man who talked about a comeback run in gambling being "legendary" and peeing next to a professional wrestler. Bill probably lives with his parents in Boston still and has Kathy Ireland posters all over his room.
Q: If I could have sex with someone's writing, it would be yours. Thank you.-- Michael, Knoxville, Tenn.
Clearly a fake email. Bill's wife probably hates his writing. Assuming she is not writing his columns for him by now.
Q: Giants-Titans Super Bowl: What is the line and who are you taking?-- Michael R., Passaic, N.J.
SG: What I don't understand is why people don't trust Collins; he has been the league's most consistent QB this season.
Most consistent QB? Is Joe Morgan ghostwriting Bill's columns now? You know why people don't trust Kerry Collins?
Check out these numbers: http://www.pro-football-reference.com/players/C/CollKe00.htm
I don't think Collins is bad but a losing career record with a trip to the Super Bowl and the NFC Championship game doesn't spell consistency over a long span of time.
If you don't like Tennessee's Super Bowl chances because of Collins, you need to find a better reason. You really do.
This coming from the same person who thinks the Celtics won the NBA Finals because how many chest bumps and high fives the players received. He would never gamble on Joey Harrington because he called himself Joey instead of Joe and thinks Greg Oden will not be a franchise center because he walks like an old man. I wish there was a hypocrisy meter that we could measure Bill's comments by. It would be off the charts 98% of the time.
Anyway, I keep getting e-mails from readers comparing the '08 Titans to the '72 Dolphins: Veteran backup QB who stepped in for the ballyhooed starter, great coach, tough-as-nails defense, two-headed running game, lack of national respect and everything else. Seems fair. I think they're a little closer to the '03 Pats, personally.
Now there is a shock. Bill thinks the unbeaten team in the NFL compares more closely to his favorite NFL team. Really the only differences are that the '03 Pats did not have a veteran backup stepping in for the starter, had tons of national respect from winning the Super Bowl, and had a two-headed running game in the fact none of their running backs were really good enough to start. Other than that, they are completely like the '03 Pats.
Which means everything would rest on the shoulders of Collins and a mediocre crew of receivers. Last Sunday, it didn't bite them because Rex Grossman gave them the game. But against a really good team? That can't happen.
Bill "If you don't like Tennessee's Super Bowl chances because of Collins, you need to find a better reason" Simmons has left the building and now Bill "I contradict myself in every other paragraph" Simmons has entered the building.
The paragraph above this Bill actually said, "What I don't understand is why people don't trust Collins; he has been the league's most consistent QB this season."
Come on, at least make this hard on me. Do like Gregg Easterbrook and make me wade through 18 pages of bullshit and contradict yourself.
If there is anyone in the world who goes to Bill Simmons for gambling advice, analysis, or anything related to these topics, I implore you immediately to seek professional help because you know more about sports than Bill Simmons does. Even if you know nothing, you are at least on the same playing field. Bill can't even make it a paragraph without contradicting himself.
So, I'd pick the G-Men in that game. I love the way they're defending the title.
Bill does not need a better reason than the way they are defending the title to pick them. Something along the lines that they are playing incredible football and are missing arguably their best defensive and offensive players and still winning games. There's a great reason and that would be a great reason, but not quite arbitrary enough for Bill.
Q: Which is a worse impersonation: the one Adam Carolla does of you on his radio show, or Steve Sanders and Brandon Walsh impersonating basketball players in the 3-on-3 tournament episode where their teammate Dick ODs on heroin in a bathroom at the PPAD? I gotta go with Carolla. At least in the game montage there was music to listen to.-- Matt, Sacramento
SG: Thank you for bringing up the "90210" episode where Ian Ziering cried and said the words, "This one's for Dick." Thank you. Again, thank you.
That Frank Caliendo definitely needs some new, more modern material doesn't he Bill? How the hell does Bill get away with making fun of someone's choice in joke material?
Q: Read your NBA preview about Portland the day after Oden was injured and scored no points. I could've sworn the music from "Boogie Nights" was playing. No, not the happy disco stuff, but the ominous this-world-is-ending music when Rollergirl has the worst limo ride ever and Dirk gets beat up for whipping it out. Did Oden happen to buy donuts on the way to the game for his pregnant porn star wife or something?-- Ian, Los Angeles
SG: That e-mail wasn't even that good -- I just wanted to keep my "Boogie Nights" mailbag streak alive. We're now at 53. I'm three away from DiMaggio.
Hey Ian, that was a big "fuck you" from your all time favorite sportswriter that you took the time to write into his mailbag to ask a question. Hope it tasted good with the shit sandwich answer he gave you.
Oh, and I saw Bill Simmons and he says, "fuck you again."
Q: I heard that Will Smith's son is starring in a "Karate Kid" remake due out in 2009. As a loyal fan to you and The Trilogy (as you described it), I have some deep fears of my anger for this movie. Please give me some things to hope for -- maybe Johnny and Ali's love child in the finals at the All-Valley or at least Larusso's red coat.-- Geoff S., Roselle, Ill.
SG: I'm a little torn because this flagrantly violates one of my Hollywood credos ("nobody should ever remake a movie that's still watchable and holds up")
This movie came out 25 years ago and is getting remade. Bill is still quoting it. He needs new material. Again, I implore loyal readers of his, you have to wake up and realize this is an untalented, hypocritical man who lacks any real knowledge, and is coasting on the same 5 pop culture references. Please, I will start a support group, just get out now.
(Add this to my Sports Czar platform: No sports movie can be remade if it's still exceedingly watchable.)
He's quite serious about this Sports Czar platform and you are all going to get plenty tired of it very, very soon.
I'm taking the Jets plus the four points in New England. Throw in the lack of home-field advantage at the Gillette Cemetery, and I'm grabbing the points.
For those of you who don't know, it is called Gillette Cemetery because the fans there are not ruckus and loud like they used to be when Bill went to games there. Bill experienced the stadium when it was absolutely the loudest it has ever been and it will never, ever be that loud again. Ever. It is because of all those corporate big wigs that go to the games now, the same people who are not real fans and live in the New England area still. Unlike Bill, who is a Hollywood wannabe but is a "real" fan of the team as is seen by his moving 3,000 away from the New England area. The place may not be loud but at least those people go to the games and stuck around in the area.
Part 2 tomorrow...
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