Here is Part 2 of the "real mailbag" of Simmons' readers' questions. I hope you enjoy, it is not that bad, mostly consisting of a tribute to his own jokes he makes. Which annoys me.
Part 2
When you start hyperboling (I know "hyperbole" is a noun, but just work with me) your own guys, that means you're getting attached to them. And Thursday, during another savvy Cassel scramble in the second half, I said excitedly to my friends, "When he takes off like that, he reminds me of John Elway!"
Yes, we have officially reached the "Tom Who?" part of the year for the Patriots. I hope everyone enjoys it until Cassel makes a huge mistake and Patriots fans swear him off again.
Considering Bill uses hyperbole constantly and describes anything he has seen as the "greatest," I would not be too flattered if I was Cassel.
Q: I'm watching the Bulls-Celts game -- can I nominate Vinny Del Negro for a new Pantheon Face? It's the Shooter from "Hoosiers," "I can't believe I haven't had a drink for 12 hours, and I'm a head coach" face.-- Ryan, Weymouth, Mass.
SG: Done and done!
The same people who criticize bloggers for criticizing Simmons have to even agree that hearing the same jokes over and over again gets tiresome. Some jackass loser reader writes in with a Pantheon Face or a Stomach Punch Game moment and Bill responds to it with "done and done." I guess it is unreasonable to expect even a little creativity from a person, even if they are not a "real journalist," otherwise you just get the same shit over and over and no one gets tired of it. These are the same people who went to go see the new Adam Sandler movie, those people that don't get tired of this type stuff. Easily amused I guess.
"I'm Bill Simmons and I approved this joke back in 2001."
Q: For years, you've been asking for certain athletes to be wheeled out on the court or field in a Hannibal Lecter Mask. Well, isn't Anquan Boldin perfect for that? For all the talk of T.O. and Brandon Marshall, Boldin has to be the strongest receiver in the game.
SG: Fourth, if he doesn't win a 2009 ESPY, then we're going to have to start wondering about the credibility of that show. (Oh, wait, that credibility was destroyed after the college softball player who got carried around the bases won the "Most Inspirational ESPY" over Jon Lester, who only battled back from cancer to win the deciding game of the 2007 World Series. Scratch that.)
Yes, he is officially whining about a Red Sox player not winning a fake award. Does it really fucking matter? To Bill Simmons it does, because like breathing, whining about something is a way of life for him.
The credibility of the entire network was lost and is continuing to be lost as long as they employ writers who have no journalistic credibility, can't form sentences that make sense, write about one specific team and ignores the rest of the NFL, and as long as they employ Chris Berman.
Actually, I bet Chris Berman and Bill Simmons are having a contest to see who can beat the same joke in the ground for the longest period of time.
Q: Just finished watching Charles Barkley on a CNN interview. Can there ever be another Charles Barkley, someone who can say absolutely anything on the air, no matter how controversial, and not get crucified by the media and the public?-- Jai-Bo, Calgary
SG: Chuck, we love you. You're the most charismatic NBA personality active or retired. You belong on TV. It's your current destiny. You were blessed with the ideal partners and a network that will let you say whatever you want. Please break a sweat. Teach us about the league. Come up with angles that only you can come up with. Stop falling back on the same five points that you've been regurgitating for the past few years and start looking at the league from the perspective of 2009 instead of 2003.
This is how to be a hypocrite. Bill Simmons implores Charles Barkley to "stop falling back on the same five points" that he has been making for five years now. Bill Simmons, on the other hand, has been making the same movie references, jokes, and the same analogies for almost 8 years now. He fails to recognize that if anyone needs new things to talk about it is him. What did Bill talk about in 2000? Boston teams, 80's movies and his personal jokes with his readers (Faces, Pantheon, or some other bullshit list). What does Bill talk about now? Being a father, Boston teams, 80's movies and personal jokes with his readers.
Bill needs to start looking at writing from the perspective of, he is not funny anymore. He is like that dad at his son's 13th birthday party still telling knock-knock jokes.
Q: Can you please change your ESPN picture? It's about seven years old.-- A.J. Schmitz, New York
Can you please change the way you write a column? It's about seven years old.
Q: Last weekend I drank a little too much and passed out on the floor of my room. Normally, your friends would take this as an opportunity to write on your body or put shaving cream on your face. Not my friends. They noticed that my fantasy football league was open on my computer and proceeded to release every player on my roster. Add to it that there is significant money involved, and I was in first place. Is this the most unforgivable "prank" that can happen to a guy? Really, they could have slashed my tires and I would have been less mad.-- Casey, Lynnfield, Mass.
"Fuck you my loyal reader! Your stupid fucking prank was horseshit, my friend Stoner and Hillbilly did something so much funnier, it dealt with a porn tape and us telling the same joke over and over again at Vegas, when we ran into P.J. Carlisemo in the hotel, and Stoner pretended to choke him...it was hilarious. That was the Vegas gang man."
SG: See, I don't think that's a great prank -- it's funny, but ultimately, I bet it was resolved by you being allowed to add everyone back to your roster.
Bill doesn't like it, now go kill yourself.
A much funnier prank for this situation that was pretty much created and trademarked by my buddy Sal: In the writer's office at the "Jimmy Kimmel Live," if any of the writers run out to check on a bit, get coffee or whatever and forget to lock their computer, Sal goes on their computer and sends an abrasive e-mail to someone else on the show. And for the first year, it kept leading to a scenario where the person who received the abrasive e-mail would send an equally abrasive one back, so Sal's victim would log back onto their e-mail and think, "What the hell?" And it would basically turn into a "Three's Company" episode. After six years, everyone caught on to this trick, so any time someone gets a random abrasive e-mail from a co-worker, they just write back, "Hey, Sal."
That is so much funnier! Except it is the exact same fucking thing pretty much that Casey from Mass. did, but the difference is that Bill's friend did not think of it.
Also, couldn't this prank also be sorted out by the victim just emailing the person and saying someone else did it? Wait, then it wouldn't be a super duper special prank. Bill sucks and why do people read him?
Q: Your comment about the Lopez twins (comparing them to the Hanson Brothers) caused audible office laughter. It is dead on, and I want to add that in addition to the race cars, they could easily deteriorate into a grappling/slap fight in any game against each other and will probably call room service at each hotel and ask for the biggest sundae they have ever made.-- (Name withheld)
SG: Please know that the man who sent me that e-mail spent an extensive amount of time dealing with the Lopez Brothers once upon a time.
So now drunken frat boys, drunk boys pretending to be women, douchebags, and VIPs are writing in to Bill's mailbag. Pretty impressive.
Q: What individual athletic achievements in the last few years would have been made that much better had the person done the Sam Cassell Dance after? Would it be Kurt Gibson after hitting his famous home run in the '88 World Series? Doug Flutie after his "Hail Mary" pass? Any home run involving Dustin Pedroia?-- Chris, Boston
What the fuck is the Sam Cassell dance and do we have to name things after every person in the world? I don't know whether to feel bad for Bill who invents this shit or the readers who write in and think they are awesome because he puts it in the column.
5. Rafael Nadal after he nailed that otherworldly down-the-line, behind-his-body forehand against Federer in their epic Wimbledon match this summer. Considering the circumstances (fourth-set tiebreaker, 7-7, Nadal up 2-1), that was the single most incredible shot I've ever seen. He should have done the Cojones Bailar afterward.
Yes somehow that Wimbledon epic is not enough proof for Bill Simmons that tennis does not need fixing. Also Bill refers to this as the most incredible shot he has ever seen. Just stay consisent with what you say and know one will mock you, it is that easy. You can't trash a sport for being boring and having no players who are characters and then write about a great moment in the sport. It reeks of hypocrisy.
He clearly did not see Jimmy Connors in 1991 or several other shots in the history of tennis that were better, which goes back to prove my point that anything Bill has seen is the awesomest thing that has ever happened. If Bill did not see it, it did not happen, and certainly could not have been any good.
Q: After his challenge of the Brandon Jacobs fumble when Jacobs' arm was clearly down, Andy Reid needs to take his place on the Mount Rushmore of coaches who don't know how to manage the clock or use challenges properly.
Random disgusting thought: Do you think Bill pleasures himself when reading other people regurgitating the material he writes back to him? I say he does.
Q: I don't know which moment was more euphorically shocking: Joe "Heavy B" Blanton's home run in Game 4 of the World Series, or Anna Paquin going topless in "True Blood" that same weekend, but I will tell you that on both occasions I ran around my living room with my fist raised in jubilation.-- Cruds, Philadelphia
SG: What is "True Blood?" Is it a television show or a movie that is over 15 years old? How am I missing out on these things? I try so hard to stay cool while still raising a family and name dropping random celebrities in my sports column that is not about sports but actually about my own fascination with myself. I need to find this show...in 15 years.
Ok, Bill did not write that. If you thought for a split second that he did though, I have proven my point and feel vindicated. I have to get emotionally ready now for a massive letdown game by my favorite team against the worst team in the NFL.
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