Friday, December 12, 2008

2 comments Bill Simmons Has Officially Run Out of Column Ideas

I will let him explain his shitty column idea.

Then I made the mistake of asking readers to send me the most depressing NFL-related gifts they could find. Roughly 10 trillion e-mails later, we were able to narrow down that list to a top 50.

I don't know who "we" is but I am really sad that it took more than one person to narrow this idea down into fifty shitty ideas. There is really not much I can write this week since Bill does not actually do the typing, but we should just stay astounded at the fact he mailed in his column this week even worse than normal. It's like a new record for him.

For Christmas in '97, Geoff gave me an autographed O'Donnell football he won in a charity auction. This was an authentic NFL football, exactly like the one they used during games, only Geoff landed it for $50. In other words, O'Donnell's signature had devalued the football by almost half. This brought us endless amounts of joy. We went outside and played catch in a parking lot, with no regard for the wear and tear on O'Donnell's signature. If anything, we were intentionally trying to scuff the ball up to make it go away. Now that, my friends, is a great NFL-related Christmas gift.

Woooo-hoooooo! I just shit my pants at the hilarity of this situation. It doesn't come much funnier than this. Maybe Geo-off should have written for Jimmy Kimmel as well and later "quit" the show.

I am also not your friend.

One important note: For every reader's suggestion we used, we ran their explanation as well. I included my thoughts afterward in parentheses with a "BS" tag. Without further ado …

The reader's explanation was still not sufficient, Bill had to get some comedic barbs in there somewhere. You know, to mix it up a little.

I am still way too happy with the fact his initials are "BS." It works perfectly to how I feel about him as a writer.

47. Although this official NFL football with the inscription "Best Wishes, Matt Millen" seems a little overpriced at $59.99 and might provoke an Artest-like melee at any family Christmas gift exchange in Michigan, think of my O'Donnell example above and how much fun it would be for Lions fans to whip a Matt Millen football against walls, the pavement, trees, parked cars, an overflowed toilet …

Clearly this is Bill writing here and I see no parenthesis anywhere in this paragraph. It took him three items on the list and he is already taking over and not letting the readers make their jokes. Apparently there were so many great suggestions sent in, Bill had to do some himself. Fire Jay Mariotti's Reader Participation Friday got more entries than this stupid ass contest Bill did.

(I am not making fun of FJM, I am just saying they had good participation for the fact they are not posted on ESPN, and Bill is "really, really popular.")

46. Gordon in Cleveland: "Yes, it's the Derek Anderson '08 Pro Bowl jersey. Too bad it's only a replica, because nothing says 'God I hate myself' more than the authentic jersey of the poor man's Tim Couch."

I am not defending Derek Anderson, I am just saying he did make the Pro Bowl last year. He did have a bad year this year but he may bounce back. Right?...then this would not be funny.

43. Ryan in Los Angeles: "You asked for it … it's the 2007 AFC Champs t-shirt for the Pats. On sale for just five bucks!"

(BS: I mean, at this point, shouldn't these NFL merchandise sites just create a "JOKE GIFTS" category? What other reason would there be to purchase that shirt? FYI: We're now heading into the realm of "just plain miserable and bewildering," starting now.)

I would bet you $100 Bill has this shirt in his closet, or he may even have three of them. I don't think this is funny at all because they went perfect and almost won the Super Bowl. It's not even really ironic either.

We are already on #43 and this joke has already run cold...much like Bill's other writing, but this one seems to be losing steam a whole lot faster than the 80's references and bad sportswriting usually does. How many times can you list a bad athlete's merchandise that has been signed or a shirt that is outdated because of a later event (such as losing the Super Bowl) and continue to think it is funny? Apparently 42 more times.

(BS: This got me thinking of an idea for next season -- what if the Browns saved every game ball that Edwards dropped during the '08 season and auctioned them afterward as a collector's set? Would it go for $1,500? $3,000? $4,500? Imagine a sports bar buying it and building a special shelf behind the bar to accommodate 27 dropped footballs from Braylon? The Browns fans would go there just to stare at it the same way people stare at the Grand Canyon. I would strongly consider this idea for next season.)

There is no bar or person that would do this. Ever.

I hope #1 is a signed copy of this column because that would be really, really funny. It would also be ironic because this column is bad but it is making fun of bad athlete's....nevermind, you get it.

39. Bruce in Houston: "Try opening a framed David Carr Texans Rookie card for Christmas if you're a Texans fan. This would make Mike Gundy cry even though he is a man and 40."

If this is Bill trying to be Rick Reilly, I want the old Bill back ASAP. At least I could mock him for what he writes, he is not even writing here, its his stupid ass readers who are giving him some ideas.

34. Check out this Bengals flask for 37 bucks. Such a thoughtful gift for Bengals fans. No, seriously. What's funny is that the prices of the flasks differ depending on the team. Shouldn't they be charging triple for the Lions flask?

In no way is this old. I am just ridin' the storm out at this point.

(BS: This won't come as a major surprise, but Cleveland, Buffalo and Detroit fans were responsible for 75 percent of the depressing gift suggestions from the past week. What's strange is the Bengals fans were serenely quiet. Are we sure they're still alive? Was there a Jim Jones/Flavor-Aid situation that hasn't come out yet? Let's send some National Guardsmen down to Cincy just to make sure.)

"Down to Cincy?" Really? Does Bill live in Michigan or North Dakota now? Geography is difficult to learn I guess.

I don't care if some Simmons-ite points out Bill is actually further north where he lives in California, you get what I am saying.

21. Can you think of a worse ex-football player to delve into the barbecue business than Tony Siragusa? Me neither.

Actually, wouldn't he be perfect for this gift? He is overweight and clearly loves to eat, this seems like a no brainer for him to get involved with this. It may just be me though.

It's because of these questions that I'm nominating Vick's $306 signed Falcons jersey as the single most depressing NFL-related gift for 2008.

(Bengoodfella asleep at the keyboard...wakes up realizing this nightmare of repetitiveness is finished.)

Let's do a final count and see whether Bill made more suggestions he thought was funny or his 13 loyal readers made more funny suggestions that Bill thought was funny.

Bill's suggestions: 28 (including the last #'s 1-4...because he is the funniest person in the world of course)

Reader's suggestions out of the "10 trillion" that came in and caused this column to actually exist on the Internet: 22.

Bill Simmons loves himself better than you.


Martin said...

Maybe Bill lives in a giant zeppelin that hovers over Los Angeles, invisible in the smog and fire smoke, so when he says "Down to Cincy" he literally means down from his viewpoint.

Bengoodfella said...

That is a hilarious idea and I really, really wish that was true. I don't really know what he meant by that but your idea is the best one I have heard.

This column idea got old very fast.