Thursday, December 18, 2008

0 comments We're Mad As Hell and Are Going To Type In Mildly Coherent Sentences About It

From time to time I like to look at The Vent, which is basically an Atlanta Braves one sentence message board where morons can write sentences that sound like a fifth grader wrote them. Then they get graded for "the best vents" by their fellow morons. This could not be a more mediocre idea to put on the AJC's Braves page so I have to read them.

They are fun to read because mostly people write them in anger, like when I emailed Matt Doherty and Ronald Curry in 2000 drunk and angry at their actions on the basketball court. I should not have done this but I am sure Ronald Curry showed at least one of his friends what I wrote and I felt better so it worked out for everyone.

I don't care if Smoltz can only roll the ball to the plate. Sign him or be gone, Wren. Like, we're gonna be a contender, duh?

This was the second highest rated comment over the past 30 days. I am trying to decipher this and can only come up with the fact the writer wants Frank Wren to quit if he doesn't sign John Smoltz, regardless of Smoltz's ability, because the Braves are not going to win any games this year so they may as well re-sign Smoltz.


I love how this franchise always tantalizes us with possible big name deals, fizzles and winds up with signings the equivalent of fish bait.

Why do I feel like someone is typing this in broken English? Along with the mixed metaphor or analogy or whatever the hell this person was trying to say, I don't think he/she realizes the franchise does not tantalize him, it is the media who reports the story and then this person probably gets his hopes up.

So the Cubs won't give the world for a pitcher either. Good job Cubbies.

This is a Braves venting board and someone took the time out to compliment the Chicago perfectly relevant.

I wonder if we could steal some of the Yankees' prospects (Hughes or Kennedy) for cheap since they don't seem that high on them anymore.

Oh absolutely, I am sure the Yankees are just looking to give away the players they thought enough of to not trade for Johan Santana last year really, really cheap right now. I don't think the New York media would notice that at all. Not all franchises are as stupid as you are.

What a great job Braves GM must be. Do nothing and get paid for it.Team sinking like the Titanic, but we have hope. Genius!

I am not even 100% sure what the hell this guy is referring to. I have a feeling at least 60% of the people who write this stuff in are heavily medicated and see little purple men following them around all day.

Anyone else getting worried we are going to panic and toss our $40 million out the window on this years worthless second-tier players?

You mean Javier Vazquez or constantly injured players like Rafael Furcal and A.J. Burnett?

Would you rather have Ross with his .222 or Corky Miller? I'll take Ross without even knowing who he is!

I would rather know who David Ross is and then make a decision. I love it when fans of teams admit they have absolutely no clue who a player is but he HAS to be better than what the team currently has. Then this person feels the need to post his opinion publicly.

I'd love to have Peavy, but shortstop is a very important position and Escobar will be one of the best for years to come.

Yes, shortstop is a very important position, even though two teams have won World Series with David Eckstein as their starting shortstop. I would have to say Peavy is one of the best pitchers right now, and if given the choice, I would rather have a pitcher who is one of the best as opposed to a shortstop...and so would everyone else on Earth. Good reasoning though.

-Bill Simmons talks about pro wrestling and the new movie "The Wrestler" with Mickey Rourke.

Roger Ebert has got nothing on Bill Simmons. (Speaking of Ebert, this is my favorite movie review of all time and honestly one of the best lengthy put downs I have hear also. The review by Roger Ebert for Deuce Bigalow 2)

Anyway, Simmons' article contains wonderful cinematic relevatory tibits like this:

The hardest achievement in acting—in my opinion, anyway—is nailing a role that absolutely nobody else could have played. Pacino owned Michael Corleone … but DeNiro could have owned it as well. Who else, though, but Val Kilmer could have nailed Jim Morrison? Does anyone besides Will Ferrell pull off Ron Burgundy? Could anyone other than Sly Stallone play Rocky? It's something you can learn only after the fact.

I do love all those movies but it is very hard to read a sentence comparing the character of Ron Burgundy, written by Will Ferrell, to the character of Michael Corleone, which was written by Francis Ford Coppola. I don't think DeNiro could have pulled that role off anyway, because I don't think he could have been as subdued, yet simmering in the role as Pacino was. (I know that sounds weird since Pacino is doing impersonations of himself now and yelling a lot but it was true at the time.)

I do wish someone would point out to Bill it is easier for an actor to play a role that actor actually wrote for himself like Stallone and Ferrell did, as compared to what Val Kilmer and Pacino did in their respective roles.

-What a shock, Carlos Boozer plans on becoming a free agent after this year.

Since last time he tricked a blind man into letting him out of his contract with the intent he would re-sign with the Cavs and then lied, I wonder what tricks he has up his sleeve this time to become a free agent? Is he going to offer to roll Jerry Sloan's mother in a wheelchair around all day and then leave her in the street, then declare free agency or will he just go a more simple route and go to a food shelter, throw food in the face of the homeless, and walk away to declare free agency?

Color me intrigued.

"I'm opting out. No matter what, I'm going to get a raise regardless," Boozer told "I am going to opt out, I don't see why I wouldn't, I think it's a very good business decision for me and my family, but I'd also like to see what happens with the Jazz and stay here."

I like how he just comes out and says it is all about the money. At least he is honest...unlike last time when he lied to a blind man and caused the Cavs to look for a power forward worth a crap for the next 4 years.

Currently, Atlanta, Memphis, Portland, Miami, Detroit and Oklahoma City are among the teams positioned to have the most cap flecibility.

Apparently cutbacks have stopped ESPN from being able to hire someone to proofread their articles.

-Rick Reilly Gets Paid Millions to Write Things Like This Once A Week.

Do you really have to pay someone millions of dollars to write a puff piece about Tyler Hansbrough? They pretty much write themselves these days. He is hard working, tough, smart, dedicated to being a good player in college and overseas in Europe next year, a good kid who just wants to win, and the person you would want your son/daughter to date.

He'd like to. "Sometimes, when I get an elbow to the face, I'd like to just punch somebody," Hansbrough says. "Hard."

Sometimes when I see him go over someone's back for a rebound, lean into that person while shooting to initiate contact, and then gets a foul call, I would like to punch him in the face. Very hard. Unfortunately, we can ask Gerald Henderson, that would just lead to Hansbrough crying and I would get suspended one game for touching the ACC's golden boy. He is the only person I know of who doesn't bitch about getting fouled all the time by talking about how he does not bitch about getting fouled all the time. He also leaves out the part where he leans into every shot he takes, initiating contact EVERY TIME, and if you watch him closely/at all you can see how many times he commits fouls by elbowing other players in a spastic attempt to get a rebound.

I am not a Tyler Hansbrough fan.

Less humorous are the chants meant for his mom: "MISS Mah-ZOOR-ee!" (Which she was.)

She is also now an employee with the university. Not suspicious at all that his mom gets a job with the university. Of course good ol' Roy Williams would never do anything like that, so gosh darn it I should just quit accusing him.

"I'm not changing anything," he says. "That's my style. I just hope I don't drop dead."

Sadly, I am called an asshole when I wish the opposite as I watch you climb another player's back or come close to tears if a player even comes near hurting you as you flail away with spasms trying to shoot the ball.

-The Red Sox have limits?

"We all have limits," Red Sox owner John Henry said in an e-mail to The Associated Press. "Eight years is a very long time in baseball and everywhere else."

Was that a Barack Obama crack right there? Count John Henry as someone who is not going to want Obama re-elected for a second term!

Seriously, I do like how he doesn't have a problem with the $200 million dollars Tex wants but actually has a problem with the 8 years he wants the length of the contract to be. I can just see the Red Sox/Yankees signing Tex to a 5 year $140 million dollar contract here soon. At least then it won't be for 8 years.

I like how ESPN felt the need last night to break the news Tex was not going to Baltimore. As if this is news. He is going to the New York Yankees or the Boston Red Sox, we should all just prepare for this. I don't know how there has ever been any doubt, because when those two teams are bidding for a player, all other offers will pale in comparison. I say there is a 70% chance he goes to Boston.

-As if Indiana basketball did not have enough problems, now Eric Gordon says the team had players that tore the team apart with drug use.

Gordon declined to identify which players allegedly used drugs, but said D.J. White and two others still on the team were among those who did not.

Gordon and White were the two best players on the team last year, so I can't understand how this really negatively affected the team if the scrubs were the drug abusers. I am kidding, kind of. Call me insensitive but it sounds like it was players who did not even play that often, so they should have just been kicked off the team. The only reason they were not is because Kelvin Sampson, who apparently is not a hypocrite and allows his players to cheat and break rules like he did, was the head coach.

Then-coach Kelvin Sampson tried to stop the drug use, Gordon said, but Sampson "was just so focused on basketball and winning and everything."

Now that is a ringing endorsement for Sampson to be the next head basketball coach wherever the hell he gets hired next.

I thank God every day I am not an Indiana Hoosiers fan.

-Sammy Baugh died.

I know I am in the minority on this issue and I have respect for my elders but I can't ignore the fact these players who played football in the 1930's -1960's would never have made it in the NFL today. I know everyone accepts this but still some idiots feel the need to compare today's players with past players.

Baugh was the best all-around player in an era when such versatility was essential. In 1943, he led the league in passing, punting and defensive interceptions. In one game, he threw four touchdown passes and intercepted four as well. He threw six touchdowns passes in a game twice. His 51.4-yard punting average in 1940 is still the NFL record.

This can not happen in today's NFL, not because the players are not athletic enough, but because the competition is too tough and playing one side of the ball is complicated enough as it is. I am not saying Sammy Baugh was not a great player but at some point it has to be acknowledged he played at a time when the players who played the sport were not nearly as athletic and gifted as they are today, not to mention minorities were not allowed to play.

"There's nobody any better than Sam Baugh was in pro football," Don Maynard, a fellow West Texas Hall of Famer who played for Baugh, said in a 2002 interview. "When I see somebody picking the greatest player around, to me, if they didn't go both ways, they don't really deserve to be nominated. I always ask, 'Well, how'd he do on defense? How was his punting?'"

Is this really what you would ask? Congratulations, Sammy Baugh played three positions, and that is great, but at what point can we acknowledge it was so much easier for him to do this because the game was 10% as advanced then as it is now. I am not trying to pick on old people here and I think he was a great player but to make statements like Don Maynard made in 2002 shows a complete lack of respect for where the game is at now.

"I'll watch it all damn day long," Baugh, who often sprinkled his conversation with mild obscenities, told The Associated Press in a 2002 interview. "I like the football they play. They got bigger boys, and they've also got these damn speed merchants that we didn't have in those days. I'd love to be quarterback this day and time."

Exactly. Sammy Baugh was an above average athlete in a time when there just average athletes. I am not questioning whether Sammy Baugh was a great NFL player but it also has to be mentioned very few players specialized in playing one position at his time so no one was simply great at one thing and there were few to no minorities who played the sport. This really diluted the pool of players and their skills. Players are drafted now just to be kick returners, if that shows you how much specialization occurs.

I know I am being an asshole but the same thing goes for George Mikan. Does anyone really think if he had played against any of the players from the 1970's he would have been as dominate as he was? I certainly don't. I have respect for my elders but it is also wrong to fail to mention they played at a time when the talent pool was diluted for racial reasons and the fact the sport has grown in complexity since the earlier eras.

I am done picking on old people now.

I think I am going to quit while I am way behind.