Monday, February 17, 2014

7 comments Bill Simmons, His "Real" Readers, and Another Mailbag

Against my better judgment I have read and will cover Bill Simmons' Super Bowl mailbag. Yep, Bill did a mailbag for the AFC/NFC Championship Games, didn't write anything for a week, and then did a Super Bowl mailbag. Sure, that's not lazy at all. But have no fears, because this is the mailbag that really counts as Bill tells it.

Even if I’ve written something like 150 normal mailbags over the course of my career, ultimately, only the Super Bags matter.

As suspected, the other mailbags are just time wasters mainly used by Bill to bide time until he finds inspiration to write another column and to be used as a source of ideas for Bill to write a column. Also, he doesn't really "write" the mailbag. His lemming-like readers send in questions, he answers them. I'm not sure I consider that "writing" a mailbag more than a mailbag is simply answering questions posed to him.

We’re about to find out. In honor of Super Bowl XLVIII, we’re tackling 48 mailbag questions.

Not shockingly, this turns out to be a lie. Bill tackles more than 48 questions.

As always, these are actual emails from actual readers.

As always, I will be mocking Bill as well as his brain-dead readers who loyally follow him and idolize absolutely everything he does.

Q: My buddy and I came up with a great idea for a stoner flick called “Archie Manning’s Vasectomy.”

I'm going to stop you right there. This isn't a good idea and the fact Bill Simmons likes it doesn't make it a good idea. In fact, based on the fact you are emailing ideas to Bill Simmons so you can get his approval I think it's best if you get a vasectomy.

SG: I think you just created something that could potentially leapfrog The Verdict, The Town and The Departed as the most popular Boston movie ever. My biggest note: Definitely name the lead characters “Murph and Sully.” And I’d seriously consider throwing them into the title — something like Murph and Sully Stop the Mannings, just to avoid the inevitable lawsuit when Archie hires an army of lawyers to stop production of Archie Manning’s Vasectomy.

These two characters go back and convince Archie Manning he will get a Super Bowl ring if he gets a vasectomy. The idea is so ridiculous I can see it getting made, except no one outside of the Boston area would care to see it.

Q: Is Aqib Talib hobbling off the field your least favorite AFC Championship Game tradition?
—Kyle, Philly

SG: It’s right up there with the annual Sunday-night post-Pats elimination conversation with my dad —

This email from Kyle has prompted some Bill Simmons whining about the Patriots not winning the Super Bowl every year. WE'RE SO CURSED! MY TEAM ONLY MAKES THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME EVERY OTHER YEAR, BUT CAN'T WIN THE SUPER BOWL! PITY ME!

you know, the one in which we try to figure out why Belichick won’t get Brady more weapons, why the Pats can’t score more than 17 points in any playoff exit game even though they always average 30-plus during the season,

Because the Patriots play better defenses in the postseason. This is an easy answer and is probably something Bill should already know.

Q: If anyone can bring back the nickname for Richard as “Dick,” it is Richard Sherman. In fact, for Super Bowl week, why isn’t he insisting that everyone refer to him as “Dick Sherman?”
—Chris G, Burbank

Because he wants to go by "Richard" Sherman. Why aren't you insisting that everyone call you "Chrissie G"?

SG: That’s baloney — after Dick LeBeau and Mighty Mighty Bosstones singer Dicky Barrett did a phenomenal job of carrying the “Dick” banner in the 1990s,

Nobody cares about your Boston-area one-hit wonder Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Bill. Yes, I do get that you know Jimmy Kimmel and Dicky Barrett is the announcer for Jimmy Kimmel. The impression I get is that the Mighty Mighty Bosstones haven't been very relevant after their one big hit. Also, "Dicky" isn't the same thing as "Dick."

Q: Every time Richard Sherman gets an interception my friends and I call it a “Dick Pick”. It could be the greatest inappropriate way to describe an interception of all-time.

It's also one of the least funny ways to describe an interception of all-time. But hey, you got your email printed in Bill's latest mailbag so you can print that out, blow it up and put it on your wall to show everyone just how cool you are.

Why can’t the media say this? This should be a thing. Life is unfair sometimes.
—Pete, Seattle

Life is fair sometimes. For example, why won't Bill Simmons print all of your emails? You and your friends are so funny.

SG: Imagine if Peyton Manning lost Super Bowls in 2010 and 2014 thanks to a TAINT (That’s the acronym for TD after INT)

Thanks for clearing that up, because your readers are all idiotic dipshits who require you to explain everything sports-related and need you to be the representative voice of the common fan.

and a Dick Pick, respectively.

Yeah, imagine that. Imagine this also, Bill. What if you wrote a column about sports and stopped pretending you are a 20-something fresh out of college and finally admitted to yourself that you are over 40 years old and probably should stop trying to crave the acceptance of your readers.

(I've explained before my theory of the symbiotic relationship between Bill and his readers. He's popular and his readers want to be popular so they crave his acceptance to justify their existence in the world, mostly because they idolize him. Bill wants to feel young and relevant so he craves the acceptance of his readers that he is still young and cool. What follows is a perverse version of Bill Simmons sounding like that dad who still listen to today's music and wants to come off as being hip to today's youth, while Bill's readers play the part of this dad's kids who think their dad is so awesome because he knows what twerking is and makes jokes about penises.)

My question: Let’s say I presented that scenario to you right before the game, then said, “Let’s bet … if a charged-up Richard Sherman doesn’t say anything that outrages America in this interview, I will give you $500. But if he DOES say something that outrages America, you have to give me $200.” Would you have taken that bet? No way. You would have tried to negotiate a 1,200/200 ratio.

Oh yes, it is one of Bill's hypothetical scenarios where he puts himself in other person's shoes and then reads the mind of this person to ultimately get an outcome that (what a shock!) proves the point Bill wants to prove. He does this all the time. See Bill is right, because "you" would have tried to negotiate a 1,200/200 ratio. Bill knows "you" would have done this so he's right. Bill loves these hypothetical scenarios where he tells "us" how we would behave, and then lo and behold, the outcome proves the point Bill wants to prove.

Q: Apparently some of the survival traits you learn by growing up in Compton and scrapping to survive are only acceptable for rappers. You worship Pac, Simmons, and I do too, but was Pac a better human than Sherman? Pac bangs a guy’s wife and calls him out on the national stage and it’s this epic “throwing down the gauntlet” moment,
—John Wolff, Missouri

Actually John, not that you should know your Tupac history or anything...but it's still up in the air on whether Tupac slept with Faith Evans or not. It's highly possible that Tupac lied about it in order to incite Biggie but it's also possible that Tupac did sleep with Faith Evans. Also, Tupac never called out Biggie "on the national stage" with Hit 'Em Up. The song was originally a B-side to "How Do You Want It" and only was released as a single in the summer of 1996, when it did get frequent radio play. I don't know if that's calling Biggie out on the national stage or not because the song was severely edited when on radio, though the video was pretty funny.

SG: God, you were so close to grabbing the lead in the Best Mailbag Email of 2014 race, John Wolff! If only your last sentence had been, “Well this is how we gonna do this. F—- Crabtree, f—- Harbaugh, f—- the Niners as a team, a franchise and a motherf—ing crew, and if you wanna be down with the Niners, f—- you too!”

I see what you did there, Bill. You quoted "Hit 'Em Up" except referred to the 49ers. You are super-hip.

Q: On December 22, 2013, a special teams defender came streaking in from the right side of the formation, lept, extended his arms, and delivered a glancing blow on the pigskin, stopping it from reaching the goal posts. It was the NFL’s last blocked extra point. The blocker? Bernard KARMELL Pollard! That’s right, there’s a chance that Bernard KARMELL Pollard murdered the Point After Touchdown.
—Ryan U, Somerville, Massachusetts

SG: Add that to the list. Pollard also concussed Wes Welker in December, then Welker came back for the playoffs and knocked Aqib Talib out of the AFC title game — it was like Pollard transferred his evil powers to Welker like they were starring in a Wes Craven movie.

Yeah, Bill you are sort of reaching now to keep this Bernard Karmell Pollard thing going. Sadly, your readers still seem to think this bit is fresh and hilarious.

Roger Goodell brought up an intriguing wrinkle: Maybe the NFL makes every touchdown worth seven points, but if you go for two and get it, you climb to eight points (and if you miss it, you drop to six points).

In that case, most teams will choose to not go for two. That's just me speculating, but NFL coaches are conservative enough as it is. I doubt the same NFL coaches who won't go for it on fourth-and-short at the 50-yard line would run the risk of losing a point in order to try a two-point conversion. So basically a touchdown would be worth seven points and the sum effect of getting rid of the extra point would only be that the extra point got eliminated with no corresponding improvement to the excitement of the game.

Q: When listing nicknames for SB48, aka the first Stoner State Bowl (hey, there’s another!), how could you miss “The Cotton Mouth Bowl”? —Ray Charbonneau, Arlington, Massachusetts

SG: I still love the Doobie Bowl … but man, the Cotton Mouth Bowl is pretty inspired. 

It sounds like a bowl that references a snake, not a bowl referencing smoking pot.

By the way, you guys can stop sending me every conceivable variation of the “After seeing this Super Bowl matchup, when are Ohio, Michigan and Minnesota legalizing marijuana?” joke. We’re at capacity.

Yeah, Bill's readers, don't beat a joke into the ground. That's Bill's job.

Q: During the most recent Cousin Sal podcast (Jan. 21), the AOL “goodbye” sound byte can be heard at 12:34. I’m sure of it since I decided to rewind it 50 times for confirmation. 

Who are these people who write into Bill? Who rewinds the podcast even three times to hear the AOL "goodbye," much less do it (I don't believe he did it this often) 50 times?

Q: I believe the closest qb to ever become the greatest quarterback of all time (including playoffs) was Tom Brady in 2007, when he set the touchdown record (50), was undefeated until the Super Bowl (18-0), and one win away from achieving four Super Bowls in eight years and breaking the ’72 Dolphins’ record. He also would have had the greatest win percentage ever. Unfortunately, the “helmet catch” happened and you know the rest. That’s how close Brady was to being the greatest quarterback of all time. But I do believe Peyton Manning 2014 will win the Super Bowl, to go along with the td record, and passing yds record, making him the greatest single season quarterback of all time.
—Dr. Funk, Halifax

I guess these people are the same ones who go by the name "Dr. Funk" when writing emails to Bill.

SG: This was the last step in a Halifax conversation that clearly started with the question, “How can we get Simmons to open the window of his New York hotel and jump out of it?”

This is Bill's not-covert way to mention he was in New York for the Super Bowl. It's much easier and wouldn't ruin the joke at all to write," How can we get Simmons to open the window of a hotel (or his hotel) and jump out of it," but Bill HAD to add the words "New York" in there so his readers would know exactly where he was located at that point in time during Super Bowl week. He was at the Super Bowl. If there is a such thing as a humblebrag this is a non-covert brag.

Q: I was thinking of titles for the inevitable 30 for 30 in a couple years on the Seahawks after the whole organization gets suspended for a season due to PEDs. This was the best I could come up with: “The Space Needles”. Thoughts?
—Steve, Nashville

Steve from Nashville, you know Bill Simmons can't allow you to be the most clever guy in the room. He has to top your suggestion to feed his own ego.

SG: I like The Space Needles slightly more than I like Guiltless in Seattle or The Greenie River, but not as much as I like The Real 12th Man.

See? Bill has to be more clever than you are Steve. You lose, yet you already lost by writing into Bill with this idea in the first place.

In real life, most people don't like that person who always tries to top another person's idea or tries to show why his ideas are better than your idea. Yet for some reason, it seems the Simmonsites love it when Bill tops their idea and they don't see Bill as having a massive ego who only uses his readers and their ideas as a way of confirming his own relevance and superior ability to be clever.

Q: What would the best Super Bowl week trash talking comment be? Can you top Manning saying “I’m gonna complete so many passes on Richard Sherman, that he’ll be the most depressed Seattle resident since Kurt Cobain”?
—Tony Greco, New Orleans

Then we have jokes like this which Bill should be able to easily top.

SG: There’s only one way to hurt people from Seattle. Even the email we just ran didn’t hurt them.

Cue the whining about losing the Seattle Supersonics, where Bill acts like Seattle is the first and only franchise to have ever lost a professional sports team. Bill has been beating the "Seattle lost the Sonics" drum for so long now it's lost any relevance. The Sonics got screwed by the NBA and lost a professional franchise. This isn't the first time a team has left a city and won't be the last. Charlotte lost their professional NBA franchise and then were rewarded with a franchise so shitty the city ended up stealing back their original franchise's name in a desperate attempt to get the fans to re-connect with the new NBA franchise.

But if a Bronco like Manning said anything along the lines of, “On Sunday, I’m gonna steal this Super Bowl from Seattle like Clay Bennett stole the Sonics!,” or, “There are two certainties in life: The Seahawks aren’t winning the Super Bowl this Sunday, and Seattle is never getting another NBA team,” or even something more subtle like, “I look forward to winning the Super Bowl, then celebrating with Clay Bennett, Howard Schultz and Aubrey McClendon,” that might start our first American civil war in 150 years.

Except it won't really be a Civil War because no one in Denver will care and the city of Seattle will be too busy celebrating their Super Bowl win.

Q: So I guess that now football is over you’ll go back to shooting the shit about crappy NBA games on TV and writing a column once every three months. Consider this a preemptive strike: You suck, Simmons! Write a column already!
—Charles, Inglewood

SG: My readers keep finding new and improved ways to complain about my columns.

Your lemming readers aren't complaining about your columns, but the lack of columns and over preponderance of mailbags. Mailbags aren't columns. They are circle-jerks with your readers that only serve to prop up your ego.

Then Bill posts a YouTube video, which is another one of his crutches to make his columns (when he writes one) seem longer than they really are.

Q: I used to believe in you. In 2010, you predicted that Justin Bieber would be the one child star “who wouldn’t go off the deep end,” explaining, “He’s Canadian. Canadians don’t go off the deep end. Lock it down.” How can I trust anything you say anymore?
—Jebediah, Fullerton, California

SG: Wait, it took my horrible Bieber prediction for you to stop trusting my opinions??? That was the catalyst? It wasn’t me being 34 games under .500 picking NFL games this season? By the way, that Bieber prediction was flawed coming out of the gate, given the late Corey Haim was Canadian (and I totally forgot this).

"Totally forgot this" being better restated as "I didn't know this, but I'm going to totally pretend I did know this."

Q: I like Richard Sherman. He took it a bit too far with Crabtree and I may not like him as a person, but he makes the league more entertaining. Now we need a receiver who will talk with him. Today’s elite offensive players say the right things and go about their business. Give me the players, past or present, you’d most like to see lined up against Richard Sherman on game day.
—Curt, Boston

Remember this column where Bill fawned over Calvin Johnson and called him one of the most exciting wide receivers in NFL history (or some variation of that)? Surely, Bill would think the best wide receiver in the NFL today should be on this list. Surely, Bill would mention these two players matched up last season and how Sherman held Johnson to 3 catches for 46 yards on 8 targets. Right? Bill will mention this since he is the one who wrote an entire column about how great Calvin Johnson is? Wrong.

SG: 2000 Randy Moss in a landslide — not just for the nonstop woofing and shoving that would eventually cause a double ejection and a frustrated Troy Aikman to sob on live TV, but because the matchup itself (tall, athletic cornerback trying to stop tall, freak-athlete receiver) would have been consistently fascinating. Runner-up choices: 1991 Michael Irvin, 2005 Steve Smith and 2002 Marvin Harrison — wait, scratch Harrison, I don’t want Sherman to coincidentally get shot by a custom-made and extremely rare Belgian gun.

Ok then. What about Calvin Johnson who Bill described in this way:

But it's the in-the-moment stuff that makes him special. I'm 40 NFL seasons in at this point. During that time, only five non-quarterbacks made me feel like their games never had a ceiling: Jerry Rice, Barry Sanders, Lawrence Taylor, Adrian Peterson (2012 only) and Megatron.

Or how much of Stafford's success can be directly attributed to the part where, you know, HE GETS TO THROW FOOTBALLS TO A FREAK OF NATURE? What would Stafford's numbers look like if we removed the 20 catches every season that no other human could make?
In four decades of watching football, three receivers stand out for me over everyone else: Rice, Megatron and Moss. I'd take Rice for any important game, Moss for any deep ball, and Megatron for any "sitting at home on a lazy October afternoon expecting to see someone kick ass for three hours" situation. I will remember watching all three. Even if it's too early to wonder if Megatron can leapfrog those other two, he has launched the conversation.

Maybe Nike should dump that Diddy commercial, press the RESET button and make a new one called "Calvin Johnson, the Last of the Freak Receivers." Show him doing Megatron things for 58 seconds, then close with the tagline "YOU WILL NEVER SEE THIS AGAIN." 

Because it might be true.

That was written in late November. Now it's February and Bill doesn't even mention wanting to see Calvin Johnson lined up against Richard Sherman nor acknowledge this has already happened last season. Calvin Johnson has gone from one of three receivers who stand out to Bill over everyone else to not worthy of being in the same group as 2000 Randy Moss, 1991 Michael Irvin, 2005 Steve Smith, and 2002 Marvin Harrison. In case I was wondering whether Bill really does have to work hard to think of column ideas, this cements it for me. The same guy he fawned over less than four months ago as possibly the greatest receiver in NFL history doesn't make the cut as one of the best four receivers that Bill would like to see face Richard Sherman. Bill doesn't care about what he writes anymore.

Q: While everybody gushes about how quickly the 49ers have become contenders under Harbaugh, what’s ignored is that they have also mastered the mysterious art of the Pre-2004 Red Sox of getting thiiiiiiiiis close and then losing in the most painful way possible. First it was Kyle Williams, who needed only to literally do nothing and walk away to avoid a punt to beat the Giants in regular time, then he fumbled another punt in OT. Against Baltimore, they get to the 5 and call the four dumbest plays imaginable to lose. Then against Seattle, they get into the red zone, 35 seconds left, 2 timeouts. And they call a fade. Thrown by a mobile QB who isn’t a static pocket passer. Into double coverage. Against Richard Sherman. On 1st down.
—Drew, Raleigh, North Carolina

So now Bill is going to call a team that has made the NFC Championship Game the last three seasons and the Super Bowl once in the last three seasons as a tortured team. At a certain point, every professional franchise will have been called tortured by Bill. It's his schtick though, to wallow in misery, so he has to keep going with it.

SG: Glad Drew brought this up. Has another NFL team made the Final Four for three straight years, had a legitimate chance to win all three games late, then lost those games in legitimately agonizing ways? My gut feeling was “no,” but we have this thing called “the Internet” that allows us to look up useless crap at all hours of the day. Well … since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970, only Philly (2001-04), Buffalo (1990-93), Oakland (1973-75), Dallas (1980-82) and the Rams (1974-76) played in at least three straight conference title games without winning the Super Bowl. None of those teams lost three straight “heartbreakers,” which means the Niners made tortured football history.

The 49ers did lose those games in miserable ways, but I still find it very, very hard to call them a tortured team. Unfortunately for Bill, he cheers for Boston-area teams so he's lacked all perspective over the last decade on what cheering for a tortured franchise feels like. So what results is he calls the most successful NFC franchise over the last three years "tortured" and doesn't think anything about it.

Q: How amazing would it be if the next Beats by Dre “Hear What You Want” commercial was Obama walking into the State of the Union address? 

It would be phenomenal if Obama made a mockery of the President's annual address to Congress and the country. It would be even more cool if Obama just rapped the whole time he was at the podium for the State of the Union address. That would be awesome too.

SG: Wait, why can’t we have the “Hear What You Want” commercial with Obama AND the WWE entrance for his next State of the Union? Why do we have to choose? Just steal Vince McMahon’s entrance music and be done with it.

Reading Bill's writing is exactly like having a conversation with a friend of yours. Unfortunately it's like having a conversation with that friend you don't really like anymore, but just hang out with because you feel bad for him.

Then Bill posts two more YouTube videos because killing space is important when you don't have anything to write about.

Q: After watching the NFC championship game and watching Sherman’s rant about who knows what, I proceeded to take the garbage out. I somehow forgot the recycling bin and about an hour later my girlfriend proceeds to start screaming at me about the recycling bin for three seconds, then changed and went on three different tangents that involved the words laundry, toilet seat, and remote that all intertwined and from an English standpoint made no sense. I know you’ve been there. 

Of course Bill has been there. Haven't you read "The Book of Basketball"? Women are either strippers, pornstars or total bitches. Bill's bitch is always crying about something he has or hasn't done. That and making babies is all women are good for.

It seems this reader's girlfriend belongs to the "School of Cliched Complaints by Women" or he is making this story up. A woman complaining about a man not doing laundry, not lowering the toilet seat and anything involving the remote is so cliched that even beer commercials won't use these cliches in their commercials anymore.

Can we coin this phrase getting “Richard Sherman’ed”?
—Mike D., OCNJ

No. We can call it, "Stop whining about your girlfriend to a misogynistic media personality who you seem to believe out of pure desperation is your friend."

Q: Once upon a time, your nickname for Pete Carroll was Coach Fredo. But what if when Fredo was sent to Vegas (USC) to learn the casino business, he defied all odds and kicked ass? He didn’t take shit from anyone and effectively ran a casino or two. He gained confidence, learned a few valuable lessons along the way, and came out of his shell. Then he went back to New York (the NFL) and with his newfound wisdom and toughness, FREDO became the one who settled all family business and took over the Corleone family. Too big of a stretch?
—Jeremy, Portland

SG: well … I wrote this: “It took Carroll two years to destroy a Super Bowl team (in New England), and after he left, it took the Patriots two years to win a Super Bowl. You couldn’t do worse. Even Fredo has ‘banged two cocktail waitresses’ on his résumé. Now, this was a good 10-plus years ago, and I was smoking a ton of pot back then, but I specifically remember thinking to myself in 1999, “Pete Carroll is definitely not meant to coach professional football or pick the players.”

Look, I don’t know where this ranks on the “Worst Simmons Predictions” ever list — a really, really, really, really, staggeringly long list, by the way — but it has to crack the top 10.

Bill's comments about James Harden as he was coming out of Arizona State has to be somewhat high on this list as well. It does seem like Bill is showing some humility here, but I don't believe it's authentic. It's hard for me, someone who believes Bill has a very large ego mostly due to the fact he thinks he speaks for sports fans everywhere, to believe Bill is capable of true humility.

I wish I could email this paragraph back to 1998 Me — he wouldn’t believe it. (Also: 1998 Me would say, “Wait a second … you’re still writing mailbags in 2014??? That’s impossible! Weren’t you the guy who promised that you’d never become a middle-aged sportswriter?

Fortunately for Bill, he isn't a middle-aged sportswriter because he would actually have to write weekly columns to be considered a sportswriter. He's a middle-aged media personality. He's like Rick Reilly, he just doesn't write as often.

Wait, you’re making HOW MUCH?

By the way, Bill is making a lot of money. He can't emphasize this to us enough. He's rich. I would call this a non-covert brag, but I'm not sure Bill was trying to be covert.


This is a good example of what I'm talking about where Bill wants to make himself younger than he is and his readers want to view him as the "cool dad." Bill smoked pot! He's talking about it! How cool is he?

Q: I present to you the last two years of football/basketball first round selections in Cleveland: Trent Richardson (3rd), Brandon Weeden (22nd), Dion Waiters (4th), Tyler Zeller (17th), Barkevious Mingo (6th), Anthony Bennett (1st), and Sergey Karasev (19th).
—Thomas, Cleveland

I'll play this game and outright defend the Tyler Zeller and Anthony Bennett picks. I didn't really like the Waiters pick too much at the time it happened, though he hasn't been an outright bust.

I still like the Ty Zeller pick and think he deserves more minutes. He's not a starter, but he's a good backup center who can play the Big Z role on a good team. It's way too early to judge Anthony Bennett. I may end up feeling stupid, and while I wouldn't have drafted Bennett #1 overall, he has a diverse skill set that he has yet to show in the NBA. He's young, give him time.

Q: So this shirt exists. And as proof of how bad it is to be a Chiefs fan, my thought was “Do they mean playoff victory?” Because that seems like an admirable goal at the moment, and I’m 30.
—Aaron Schmidt, Santa Monica

If you are 30, then you know the Chiefs won two playoff games in 1993 and one playoff game in 1991, which is well within your lifetime. So this admirable goal has already happened.

Q: From the opening kick of the 2013 season through Week 17, which three NFL coaches drank the most alcoholic beverages among all 32? Location, bad luck and quality of the team had to play into it, so I am heading north and in some order guessing Mike McCarthy, Doug Marrone and Rob Chudzinski.
—Rock, Jacksonville

SG: I’m going McCarthy, then Marrone, then Chud.

Bill just essentially repeated the exact same order that Rock from Jacksonville had already laid out. As opposed to writing, "I think your order would be correct," Bill acted like Rock's "in no particular order" wasn't actually what he considered to be the right order. It's a small thing, but one more reason why I think Bill tries too hard to be the most clever guy in the room and one-up his readers.

Q: Who are the top five current starting QBs (in order) that need a Super Bowl win? It can be any reason from “He can’t seem to win the Big One” all the way to “He hasn’t won anything since Spygaye.” My list would be: (5) Philip Rivers (both Eli and Big Ben have two and Rivers had more weapons);

First off, what's "Spygave"? Second, I'm too lazy to break down which QB had more weapons, but Roethlisberger seems to have had a more dominant defense (as did Manning when it came to the playoffs) than Rivers has had through his career and Manning has had Hakeem Nicks, Victor Cruz, Jeremy Shockey and Plaxico Burress at wide receiver/tight end while Roethlisberger has had Heath Miller, Plaxico Burress, Hines Ward, Antonio Brown, and Mike Wallace at wide receiver/tight end. Rivers has had Tomlinson, Gates, Vincent Jackson, and Darren Sproles. It's hard for me to say which quarterback had better weapons, but defense should be taken into account as well.

(4) Tom Brady (to stick it to those saying he hasn’t won since Spygate); (3) Jay Cutler (Pro Bowl weapons everywhere, recently got a huge payday);

Jay Cutler has Pro Bowl weapons everywhere? He has Matt Forte, Alshon Jeffrey and Brandon Marshall. They all made the Pro Bowl this year (a year in which Cutler got injured for part of the season) and he hasn't that many offensive weapons make the Pro Bowl in year's past. Plus, Cutler hasn't ever had a great offensive line in front of him. I think it's unfair to claim Cutler has Pro Bowl weapons everywhere when this is only been true for one season when Cutler was injured.

SG: I’m answering this question in ascending tiers. Tier 1: Eli, Big Ben, Rodgers, Flacco and Brees, all of whom could absolutely use another ring for career cachet (and in Eli’s case, needs it for his Hall of Fame case).

I disagree with Rodgers and Flacco. They are both still in the prime of their careers and haven't reached the stage of needing another Super Bowl ring yet.

Tier 2: Andy Dalton, who could at least be remembered in a Brad Johnson/Trent Dilfer–type of way with a ring. 

Terrible. Dalton has been in the NFL for three seasons and if Bill really wants to make the parallel to Johnson/Dilfer then he should also know both Johnson and Dilfer won a Super Bowl with a team that didn't originally draft them. So make the comparison, but understand what you are saying when making the comparison. Dalton is still young and for the comparison to hold up he would need a Super Bowl ring with a team other than the Bengals.

Q: Is this Super Bowl the worst possible scenario for us Boston homers?

Shut up and go cry into the multiple championships Boston-area teams have won in the past 10 years. The worst possible scenario for Boston homers is to not have a local sports franchise win a championship over a five year span. Then we could really see what spoiled brats the fan base has become.

SG: But I’ll try to be objective here.

Which is utterly impossible for Bill considering he knows very little about other professional sports franchises (not including the NBA of course) and only has the capability to make a comparison that involves a Boston-area team. After all, he's the Boston Sports Guy.

For Boston fans, “Brady vs. Manning” has been the “Russell vs. Wilt” or “Bird vs. Magic” for this generation. 

It's a solely Boston-focused question that gets a solely Boston-focused answer. The odds of Bill ever answering a city-specific question with a city-specific answer that doesn't mention a Boston-area athlete is not high.

Now, throw in the Seattle component — an unquestionably tortured sports city that hasn’t won a title since 1979, suffered through some amazing so-close-and-yet-so-far Mariners seasons, got blatantly screwed by the refs in Super Bowl XL, had the Sonics stolen away from them while David Stern did everything short of helping Clay Bennett purchase the getaway car (again, congrats on 30 great years, David — the ones from 1976 to 2006),

This was basically a copy and paste job from every column mentioning Seattle that Bill has written over the last six or seven years.

Hold on, it’s time for a quick tangent because nobody asked me this question and it’s illegal to make up mailbag questions. I thought for sure someone would ask what it’s like to have a Super Bowl week in New York City, especially because I am a longtime proponent of the “Super Bowl should only be hosted by Miami, San Diego and New Orleans in a three-city rotation and that’s it” theory.

Bill is at the Super Bowl, guys. How many times does he have to hint around this before someone comes out and asks him? He's looking out his New York hotel right now at Central Park which is located in New York. What more can he do to drop hints he wants to be asked about being at the Super Bowl in New York?

Well … New York City definitely passes the bachelor party/Real World test. And then some. It’s been freezing cold all week, obviously, but here’s a news flash: Jacksonville 2005 and Dallas 2011 weren’t exactly St. Bart’s. It’s going to be an absolute pain in the ass to get to and from MetLife Stadium, but you could say that about a variety of Super Bowls (Glendale 2008, anyone?).

This is a reminder that Bill has been to these Super Bowls as well. He's famous and gets to go to the Super Bowl anytime he wants to. This is a not-covert brag at its best. I love the "Glendale 2008, anyone" mention that comes off as smarmy and inside-information-y at the same time. Bill loves to tell his readers about all the cool shit he gets to do, but tries to do it in a way that doesn't come off as bragging. Somehow his lemming readers manage to not call him on this shit.

There are more than enough hotels and restaurants and bars and late-night food options and cabs and things-to-do-that-can’t-be-printed, that’s for sure.

Bill is so edgy.

Here’s my only nitpick: It doesn’t feel like it’s the Super Bowl.

That's crazy and I can't believe it doesn't feel like the Super Bowl. 

I’ve been here since Monday — it feels like any other week I’ve ever spent in New York City. You wouldn’t even know it was hosting the Super Bowl save for the 10-block stretch they carved out near Times Square.

Bill wants you to know he goes to New York a lot so he knows what a non-Super Bowl week feels like. He has many important documents to be signed, meetings to be held and people to meet and that's why he goes to New York. He's important. You must be aware of this.

Anyway, I’ve been to 11 of the last 13 Super Bowl weeks (only missing Tampa and Detroit). Ranking those cities in order from “best host” to “worst host”: New Orleans/Miami (tie), San Diego, Indianapolis, New York, Phoenix/Scottsdale, Dallas, Houston, Jacksonville, Jacksonville again, Jacksonville a third time. Whether New York climbs past Indy and San Diego remains to be seen.

So this is the answer to the question that no one gave a shit enough to ask about, but Bill assumed everyone cared so he asked the question of himself and answered.

"How come no one has asked me what it's like to attend a Super Bowl in New York as compared to attending a Super Bowl in all of the other cities where I have attended a Super Bowl? Surely someone must wonder my professional opinion and just forgot to ask."

Q: I’m interested to know if you think On Golden Blonde is the most extraordinary porno since Shaving Ryan’s Privates.
Randy E., Oakland

SG: That was our 48th email. Look, at that, we’re suddenly in range! Bonus round!

So the whole "48 emails for Super Bowl 48" thing was a lie. It's not like Bill has control over how many emails he answers or anything.

Q: I finally got the balls and the idea to send you an email.

You're a huge pussy if you think you need balls to send Bill Simmons an email. I can see this reader crying while only wearing dirty white briefs as he sends the email to Bill, desperately afraid Bill will reject him.

Q: On the lameness scale, how high is watching the Super Bowl at home alone with your wife? No buddies, no poker, no profanity, no drinking. Please list the things you would rather do than watch the Super Bowl at home alone with your wife. I typed that again because I still can’t believe that’s what I’m doing on Sunday.
—Neil, Ottawa

Yeah! Because women are bitches that only serve to bring a man down!

Q: I need your infinite wisdom. Just got home from a great first date in Atwater Village with a girl I met online. I ordered a chai latte and a greek yogurt parfait, drizzled with organic honey with blackberries, blueberries and raspberries. I told my roommate this and he said my order alone had relegated me strictly to friend zone status with this girl forever. What’s your take?
—Michael, Los Angeles

My take is if you need the take of Bill Simmons about a date you went on then you have much bigger problems than whether you are in the friend zone. Also, are you Peter King? Why are you ordering food that's so haughty and dipshit-like?

Q: My tongue has been hurting me for awhile now and I finally went to the doctor today. First thing he asks me after looking at my tongue was if I had been eating a lot of cinnamon lately. I immediately started laughing and told him I drink a lot of fireball (had to explain to him cinnamon whiskey) and he Seems to think this is the problem. It’s quite coincidental that he led with that question if you ask me.

Not really. He's a doctor and probably has seen people with the tongue issue this guy is having before. It's not a coincidence, he's a doctor.

He put me on the fireball DL for 2-3 weeks which if I actually adhere, will be an awful time. My only hope is “fireball tongue” will forever be known as Brian Linner Disease (BLD) ala Lou Gehrig which is good news for Bud Light since my intake will skyrocket considering no fireball to compete with.
—Brian, Staten Island

(Puts on Ron Swanson hat) If you are going to drink whiskey, drink whiskey. Don't dress it up in cinnamon to water down the taste of whiskey. You can't be a man who claims to drink whiskey if you drink it with little bits of cinnamon in your whiskey. Cinnamon is good for coffee and spraying in the face of a person accosting you on the street, not for alcohol. If you are going to water down your whiskey, it's best to stick to Bud Light anyway.

Why You Regretted Taking Denver:

Frustratingly, Bill even puts "You" in the heading for his picks as if his readers are the ones making the pick and not him. He loves to say "we" and "you" as it pertains to the thoughts of people he has never met.

The Pick: Denver 22, Seattle 19

I missed this pick too. Finally, something I won't bash Simmons for getting wrong.  


Anonymous said...

"On the lameness scale, how high is watching the Super Bowl at home alone with your wife?"

I just wanted to point out what an absolute loser this guy is. I don't know who Neil from Ottawa is, but his wife is clearly too good for him. I hope she read this email and dumped his sorry ass. You know what might be worse, Neil? Coming home to an empty house because you have no wife!

JBsptfn said...

They want to make a movie about Archie Manning's Vasectomy? What about one where Bill and his readers get a life? Or is that too much of a stretch?

Bill and his readers are such beta males.

Bengoodfella said...

Anon, I think if Neil felt so bad about watching the game at home with his wife he could have watched with a friend. Makes sense, no?

JB, I don't understand it either. They got in Bill's mailbag so that's a big win.

Murray said...

I watch with my wife every year

Bengoodfella said...

Murray, you must feel pretty fucking lame every single year. Neil pities you.

Slag-King said...


Wow, we've come a long way from that commercial where the dad confronts his teenage son with a box of drugs, and he asks his son where he learned it from. The son replies that it was the dad he learned it from, and there's a closeup of the dad's face filled with shame. Bill sure brags (!) about being on drugs. Is it hip today to brag that you did drugs in the past?

Bengoodfella said...

Slag, I think it is hip to brag about the drugs you did. See, the reason I never got caught doing anything wrong is because I didn't go around bragging about what I did.

Bill goes around bragging that he used drugs and I don't worry about his kids (they are going to be raised with a semi-wealthy lifestyle by a father who by my account is a starfucker, so God help them anyway...we've already heard a story about his daughter almost clawed him to death at a hockey game, so they are probably screwed anyway), but I worry about why Bill cares so much to brag about the drugs he once used. It's over, man. You aren't going to impress "the kids"...though sadly Bill probably does impress his readers.