http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/080319
If shit could be converted into an online article, it would be like this one. Please don't read it, I don't want him to get the hits on the page. I will sum it up and then mock it. My summary: I pick UCLA, they remind me of my favorite team, I am not a bandwagon fan, I watch them on television, I know nothing about college basketball and will try to sound smart, I am Bill Simmons. I am still reeling from this weekend, so this is the perfect time to take it out on the resident "I want to be Hollywood but no one really likes me" shit article pusher, Bill Simmons. In case you are wondering, yes it will be that kind of article mocking party, full of bad language and angry mocking.
I have some bad news for UCLA fans: I'm about to kill your season by picking the Bruins to take the 2008 title.
Please don't consider this a bandwagon pick, although it's true UCLA became my "favorite" college team, and I watched the Bruins more than every other '08 team combined.
I don't watch any other teams in college basketball, so therefore I know the only team I watch is going to win. Good thought process Simmons. What happened to Texas and Kevin Durant from last year Simmons? Bill Simmons is like a college basketball team pedophile. He finds a good, young player and then watches everything he does. Once he is done with the team, he looks for more good, young basketball ass to root for. Oh and yeah, Bill, this is a FUCKING BANDWAGON PICK. Why should I not consider it one? WHY? You watch them and you fall in love with a young freshman? So you are in love with them now and want to take them to prom? Maybe being a Red Sox, Celtics, and Patriots fan you have become so accustomed to bandwagon-ism, but this is unacceptable. This boils my blood pressure that as I live and die with a certain overrated college basketball team, a 38 year old man finally chooses a team to root for. The team just happens to have a rich history and is pretty good that year that he chooses them as his favorite. Fuck you, you have until you are 30 years old to choose your favorite teams and I think you decided last year with Texas. Then he compares them to MacGyver and makes excuses for the two wins the refs gave to them. He is literally two years from a Bosom Buddies reference...just wait for it, it will come.
I started watching the Bruins because of Love, a unique player and a joy to watch on the college level, but my favorite player ended up being Russell Westbrook, a sophomore guard who played point for the first six games when Darren Collison was injured. He's one of those "10th Impression Guys" -- someone you like a little more each of the first nine times, and then by the 10th time, you suddenly realize, "All right, why isn't anyone talking about how good this guy is?"
This is going to hurt my lungs when I cyber scream this so give me a second. (Two seconds pass...) EVERYONE HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT RUSSELL WESTBROOK AND HOW GOOD HE IS. JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT PAID ATTENTION TO SOMETHING DOES NOT MEAN IT HAS NOT HAPPENED. DID YOU KNOW CHINA HAS ELECTRICITY? JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THERE DOES NOT MEAN THEY CAN NOT BE AWARE OF THE SAME THINGS YOU ARE!!
Nobody had him in their top 20 until the Super Bowl! I was going to spend the whole NCAA tournament singing his praises! I felt like one of those college grads who sees his favorite band from college in the top 5 on iTunes.
God I hate you. I genuinely do. I would reference your bandwagon article from a few years ago but I don't wanna. You can't just jump on any old bandwagon and then sing the praises of the players. You should feel like a 38 year old man using the same references to television shows and movies that you were using 10 years ago. That is really what you are. You are not anywhere near a college graduate, don't try to identify with one. Then he sings Kevin Love's praises and for some reason calls him polarizing in reference to his draft value. Whatever, I can't let him distract me.
I remember liking their uniforms and growing up with their legacy of dominance, but the Wooden Era slightly predated me as a basketball fan. I remember watching Marques Johnson and Reggie Miller play at UCLA, and I remember the '95 team winning the title with the O'Bannons, but I can't say I ever put a ton of thought into UCLA basketball until recently -- partly because of HBO's excellent special on the Wooden Era last year, partly because of my admittedly pathetic jump on the Bruins bandwagon this year.
Just because you admit you are a bandwagon jumper does not make it any less wrong Bill. God, I hate you.
But what really reminds me of the Celtics are their home games. Coming back from commercial, the cameras will scan the crowd and you'll invariably see a UCLA legend crammed into the stands with the students. During any given game, it might be Kareem, Walton, Marques Johnson, Jamaal Wilkes, Michael Warren … regardless, seeing those faces never fails to give you a sense that, "Hey, basketball mattered here once, and it matters right now."
This happens at every school Bill. Literally, every school. They are not special at all. You are so unknowledgeable, how do you even have the balls to write this article? This is like me talking about hockey and choosing a favorite team and then making blanket comparisons I know nothing about.
It's one thing to root for a team that's good. It's another thing to root for a team that truly mattered once upon a time.
Just to be clear, you are rooting for a team that is good. Admittedly, you did not watch them when they really mattered. So you are a bandwagon jumper. Are we clear Bill?
But I guess what I'm trying to say is this: If I did pick a college team to adopt, I'd pick UCLA. Since it's too late for me, the least I can do is make the Bruins my pick for the 2008 title.
Thank God he understands this. What a relief for me. You can't choose when you are old Bill, sorry. So now more talking college basketball then Bill?
On the other hand, that's the great thing about this particular college season -- at least seven schools have a genuine chance to win the championship, and each of them has one or two major "ifs."
Wrong! Poor attempt at analysis, and also, how would he know since he has admittedly only watched UCLA? Can someone answer this for me? UNC and Kansas have no major "ifs" though Bill. Unless the question is, "If Kansas/UNC were not on the same side of the bracket how could they not meet up in the National Championship?" Or "If I did not hate Tyler Hansbrough so much would I give him a compliment right now?" I would like to know what Kansas and UNC's "ifs" are Bill?
So, I'm going with UCLA over Tennessee in the title game.
In my face! Not agreeing with me and going with the only other team he has watched this year, Simmons chooses Tennessee over my choices of Kansas and UNC. I have no funny way to end this mocking of Simmons but to tell Simmons. God, I hate you.
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