Sunday, May 22, 2011

2 comments Rob Kardashian Writing for Spells the End of Sports Journalism Forever

Apparently there has been a nuclear disaster and there was no one left on Earth to write about the Laker's Western Conference Semifinals loss (in a sweep nonetheless) to the Dallas Mavericks. That's the only explanation I can come to. Rob Kardashian has written a column---you know what, it isn't even a column. It is just bullshit. That's how I will describe it. It is words that were once separate and have somehow formed into sentences consisting mostly of bullshit about a topic no one outside of Lakers fans care about (how Lamar Odom feels right now...I'm not even sure Lakers fans care too much either), written by a person that has no journalistic background outside of writing forlorn love notes to ex-girlfriend G-list celebrities who appear on Disney shows, and by a person who has no writing skills nor a connection with the team outside of knowing someone who knows a player on that team. Were there no groupies available to write about the bitter tears Steve Blake cried after the four game sweep?

Here it is. Rob Kardashian's first, God-willing last, attempt to write a column publicly.

For those of you who don't know who Rob Kardashian is...well nobody except his family does either. He's the guy who is related to famous people who are famous mostly for being famous and much like sneaky food poisoning that hits you 24 hours after (what you perceived to be) wonderful lunch at the Mexican restaurant, he has snuck up in America's radar because some people enjoy watching his sister's life on television, while he in an attempt to be famous hangs out in the background. His youngest sister, who in me calling her the ugliest and most irritating Kardashian sister would be similar to splitting hairs, is married to Lamar Odom. He plays for the Lakers and see...ROB KNOWS HIM! He can't make that clear enough. It's his brother in-law, so that makes Rob qualified to write for Sadly, this isn't the least qualifications a person has ever been required to prove in order to write for

If Rob were a female groupie then this post would be about how one time he slept with Ozzie Canseco and then later that year her brother married Kent Hrbek's she knows exactly how Hrbek felt after winning the World Series in 1991. That's sort of the equivalent to what Rob writes here.

It's definitely a strange day for Lakers fans and of course my brother-in-law, Lamar Odom.

Because they are so used to winning championships, the mere reality the Lakers didn't win another championship is unthinkable. Much like Rob getting a real job.

After two straight championship seasons, nobody expected these playoffs to end like this, especially with a blowout loss to cap a four-game sweep.
Because the Lakers are supposed to be so great every single year. YOU DON'T FIND THIS ATTITUDE OF INHERENT SUPERIORITY FROM ROB ANNOYING DO YOU? You shouldn't. Rob is a Lakers fan AND a Kardashian. That's like being Bill Gates and being related to Bill Gates. See, it just doesn't happen naturally. Now you see why Rob is more special than you are.

I have a feeling Rob is listening to Maroon 5 or an "underground" rapper while writing this column.

Obviously, our entire family was cheering for L.A.,

Well obviously. Because Rob is related to Lamar Odom through his sister least until their divorce in two years. Has Rob mentioned he is related to Lamar Odom? It will be important here in a minute, because Rob will tell us how Lamar is feeling.

I have to give credit where it's due, and the Mavs deserved to advance with a performance that was close to perfect.

Because that's the only real way to beat the Lakers. You have to be perfect.

Aside from my personal relationship with Lamar,

He's related to Lamar Odom remember. He has a personal relationship with Lamar. This is still a very important fact.

it's hard to watch coach Phil Jackson go out this way. He's a legend, and it will be interesting to see how his successor takes control of the team next season if he really does retire. Personally, I think Phil will come back next season. I know everyone has said he's retiring, but I don't think a coach as great as he is would leave after a 4-0 sweep.

Bill Simmons should have read Rob Kardashian's opinion before writing this column. It would have rocked his world and he NEVER would have thought Phil Jackson would retire. By the way, does Bill Simmons know he is writing for the same site as Rob Kardashian? If Bill Simmons were still alive, this wouldn't happen.

Back at home, it's been a stressful couple of weeks,

I can only imagine the stress of being a fan of an NBA team AND having to be in the background during the shooting of a reality television show at the same time. I barely have time to be a fan of my teams. I don't know how I could handle actually moving out of my mom's attic long enough to have a camera crew tape someone else's life while I latch on desperately to whatever little fame I have accumulated to that point...all while being a fan of an NBA team. How is there enough time in a day?

especially since Game 1 of the Mavericks series. Losing is never easy,

I never realized Rob actually played for the Lakers. I guess at a certain point when you live your life through vicariously through various family members you lose all perspective and actually think you are an important part of what those family members are doing.

and when you have to listen to pundits and experts rip your team on national television, it gets even more difficult.

Lay off Lamar Odom and the Lakers! Quit ripping them! Can't Lamar play for an NBA team and have his own reality television show and just live in long as people are watching of course? How dare the media put Lamar in the spotlight for something he doesn't want to be in the spotlight for and talk negative about him! This is going to take at least two staged beach "paparazzi" photo ops and possibly one fake pregnancy to recover from. How are Khloe and Lamar going to have time to fit this into their reality show?

That's what I love most about pretty much any person who is famous for being famous. They want privacy, but still want everyone to pay attention to them to keep their celebrity up. Everything has to be on their terms. Lamar Odom wouldn't get criticism if he was the manager of a Dairy Queen. Actually, he wouldn't get quite as much celebrity and criticism if he just merely played for an NBA team. He has to have a reality television show too. I know life can be hard though when your team gets criticized though. It sounds painful as a fan (AND BROTHER-IN-LAW!) to experience this.

It is similar to the Lakers. If experts and pundits are ripping them, at least that means they are still relevant. If Rob wants to be a fan of one of the most successful NBA teams of all-time, and a team that won an NBA Title two years in a row, then he is going to have to deal with experts ripping them.

So I've been doing my best to keep Lamar stress-free.

Because Rob is related to Lamar and has access to him. If anyone out there understands the point of this bullshit column by Rob Kardashian, please inform me of the purpose. We are halfway through it and all I have learned is nothing.

Of course, if I expected to learn anything from this column then I am going to be severely disappointed.

It wasn't easy with plenty of tension in the air, but we all tried our best to crack jokes and stay loose.

Is it the tension from when Lamar Odom decided to throw a cheap-shot on Dirk Nowitzki? Nah, that couldn't be it?

Sure, you want to stay extra-focused during the playoffs, but thinking about it every second of every day will drive you crazy.

Of course Rob knows it will drive you crazy, because he plays for the Lakers. Oh, he doesn't? Could have fooled me.

I really believe by hanging out in the background of...pretty much everyone around him in his life Rob Kardashian actually believes he plays for the Lakers. He's like a leech that latches onto someone in his life so tight, he actually believes what they experience is also his experience.

One of the better ways to relieve stress was the Xbox 360 and our favorite game, "NBA 2K11."

"Our favorite game." I am guessing the reason he makes this statement is Rob now believes he is married to Lamar Odom since his sister is married to him.

Both Lamar and I get really into it, and I went easy on him last week, playing with the Mavericks and letting him destroy me with the Lakers.

This is so stupid I can't even make a comment on it. Who plays a video game and lets the other guy intentionally beat him to make him feel better? This is the height of being someone's bitch. Lamar Odom is a grown-up man, not a 10 year old child who just had his first dog die.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen in real life, but it was a lot of fun to pretend.

It sounds like a lot of fun to pretend.

I can guess from much of what he writes here, a lot of stuff Rob experiences doesn't happen to him in real life and he does a lot of pretending in his head that it does happen to him.

Now that the Lakers have lost, the offseason is officially here for my family.

There is no offseason for reality television! It's reality!

We all wanted another championship this season, but I'm looking forward to hanging out with Lamar, who finally has some free time after a long season on the court.

See, Rob can hang out with Lamar Odom. Has he mentioned this yet? It's not that important really, just typical everyday stuff with his friend AND BROTHER-IN-LAW, an NBA player. There's no need for a big deal to be made over this. This is just Rob's life, like everyday. You want a picture with Rob and Lamar? They'll take one with you because they are nice and down-to-earth people.

Obviously, I feel for Lamar, and I know he'll work harder than ever to get better for next season.

Great, because I wasn't concerned about this.

Some of the experts are saying the Lakers are done,

No one is saying the Lakers are done. People are questioning whether the Lakers will rebuild or not. There's a difference.

They will be back and hopefully better than ever!

Gosh, I hope so! We can't have Lamar pouting around the house! Then Rob will have to spend more time intentionally losing to Lamar on the X-box, while they are having guy time.

Rob Kardashian is spokesman for, an online site for playing video games,

So this was all a big commercial for the X-Box and X-Box tournaments? Is that why Rob mentioned he likes to play NBA 2K11 on X-Box? So ESPN is letting a person not affiliated with sports write an article (that sounded like something a fifth-grader would write) so he could advertise for his online X-Box tournaments? Does ESPN have any sort of standards? More importantly, why do I feel Rob Kardashian paid ESPN to write this column?

and will occasionally write for Page 2.

When he's not busy cracking jokes and making Lamar feel better of course.


Anonymous said...

One of the better ways to relieve stress was the Xbox 360 and our favorite game, "NBA 2K11."

You relax by playing a video game that simulates the thing that makes you need to relax in the first place?

What the fuck?

Both Lamar and I get really into it, and I went easy on him last week, playing with the Mavericks and letting him destroy me with the Lakers.

This is supposed to be relaxing? "Hey Lamar, the Mavs just kicked you ass, what are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to go home and play the Mavs in a video game and win!!!11!!!! : ))))))"

I'm looking forward to hanging out with Lamar, who finally has some free time after a long season on the court.

And this couldn't possibly have happened if the Lakers had won. Little known fact: The 2011-2012 NBA season has already started.

Bengoodfella said...

Anon, that's great. I didn't think of that.

"So Lamar, you want to relax and play some basketball?"

"Sure, that's what stressed me the fuck out originally."

This was pretty much one long advertisement for a video game, but even as a fan beating the crap out of a team on a video game that beat my favorite team in real life doesn't make me feel a whole lot better. I can't imagine it would for a real athlete either.

I didn't think of that last part either. I guess the 11/12 season has started, it just so happens the Lakers don't get to play yet.